Chalkboard Gags
| 7G08 | None - Christmas Special | |
| 7G02 | I will not waste chalk | |
| 7G03 | I will not skateboard in the halls | |
| 7G04 | I will not burp in class | |
| 7G05 | None | |
| 7G06 | I will not instigate revolution | |
| 7G09 | I will not draw naked ladies in class | |
| 7G07 | I did not see Elvis | |
| 7G11 | None | |
| 7G10 | I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes" | |
| 7G13 | Garlic gum is not funny | |
| 7G12 | They are laughing at me, not with me | |
| 7G01 | I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom | |
| 7F03 | I will not encourage others to fly I will not fake my way through life |
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| 7F02 | Tar is not a plaything | |
| 7F04 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 7F01 | I will not Xerox my butt | |
| 7F01 | It's potato, not potatoe | |
| This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaffe while visiting a school) | ||
| 7F05 | I will not trade pants with others | |
| 7F08 | I am not a 32 year old woman | |
| To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy | ||
| 7F07 | I will not do that thing with my tongue | |
| 7F06 | I will not drive the principal's car | |
| 7F09 | I will not pledge allegiance to Bart | |
| 7F10 | I will not sell school property | |
| 7F11 | I will not cut corners | |
It actually looks like this: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS " " " " " " " " " " " " |
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| 7F12 | I will not get very far with this attitude | |
| 7F13 | I will not make flatuent noises in class | |
| 7F15 | I will not belch the National Anthem | |
| 7F16 | I will not sell land in Florida | |
| 7F14 | Repeat of 7F10 | |
| 7F17 | I will not grease the monkey bars | |
| 7F18 | I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment | |
| 7F19 | None | |
| 7F20 | I will not do anything bad ever again | |
| 7F21 | I will not show off | |
| This was written in an "Olde English"-style font | ||
| 7F22 | I will not sleep through my education | |
| 7F24 | I am not a dentist | |
| 8F01 | Spitwads are not free speech | |
| 7F23 | Nobody likes sunburn slappers | |
| 8F03 | High explosives and school don't mix I will not bribe Principal Skinner |
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| 8F04 | I will not squeak chalk | |
| Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this | ||
| 8F05 | I will finish what I sta | |
| This appears on one line; the rest is blank | ||
| 8F02 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 8F06 | "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender | |
| 8F07 | I will not fake rabies | |
| This never appeared in original airings in the USA, but did in Canada | ||
| 8F08 | Underwear should be worn on the inside | |
| 8F09 | The Christmas Pageant does not stink | |
| 8F10 | I will not torment the emotionally frail | |
| 8F11 | I will not carve gods | |
| 8F12 | None | |
| 8F14 | I will not spank others | |
| 8F16 | None | |
| 8F13 | I will not aim for the head | |
| 8F15 | I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty |
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| Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers | ||
| 8F17 | I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge | |
| 8F19 | I will not conduct my own fire drills | |
| 8F20 | Funny noises are not funny | |
| 8F21 | I will not spin the turtle | |
| 8F22 | I will not snap bras | |
| 8F23 | I will not fake seizures | |
| 8F24 | This punishment is not boring and pointless | |
| 8F18 | My name is not Dr. Death | |
| 9F01 | I will not defame New Orleans | |
| New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!" | ||
| 9F02 | I will not prescribe medication | |
| Originally, the FOX showings had no chalkboard for 9F01 and the New Orleans one for 9F02, while Canadian showings had them as listed | ||
| 9F04 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 9F03 | I will not bury the new kid | |
| During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child" | ||
| 9F05 | I will not teach others to fly | |
| 9F06 | I will not bring sheep to class | |
| 9F07 | A burp is not an answer | |
| 9F08 | Teacher is not a leper | |
| 9F09 | Coffee is not for kids | |
| Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl | ||
| 9F10 | I will not eat things for money | |
| 9F11 | I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call | |
| 9F12 | The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee | |
| 9F13 | I will not call the principal "spud head" | |
| 9F14 | Goldfish don't bounce | |
| 9F15 | Mud is not one of the 4 food groups | |
| 9F17 | No one is interested in my underpants | |
| 9F16 | I will not sell miracle cures | |
| 9F18 | I will return the seeing-eye dog | |
| 9F20 | I do not have diplomatic immunity | |
| 9F19 | I will not charge admission to the bathroom | |
| 9F21 | I will never win an Emmy | |
| This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past) | ||
| 9F22 | The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy | |
| 1F02 | None | |
| 1F01 | None | |
| 1F04 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 1F03 | None | |
| 1F05 | None | |
| 1F06 | None | |
| 1F07 | All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy | |
| This was not written "line by line" like the others | ||
| 1F08 | I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause | |
| 1F09 | I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers | |
| 1F11 | My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man | |
| A reference to "The Fugitive" | ||
| 1F10 | I will not go near the kindergarten turtle | |
| 1F12 | None | |
| 1F13 | None | |
| 1F14 | I am not delightfully saucy | |
| 1F15 | Organ transplants are best left to the professionals | |
| 1F16 | The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan | |
| 1F18 | I will not celebrate meaningless milestones | |
| This was first used for the 100th new episode | ||
| 1F19 | There are plenty of businesses like show business | |
| 1F21 | I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball | |
| 1F20 | Five days is not too long to wait for a gun | |
| 1F22 | Beans are neither fruit nor musical | |
| 1F17 | Repeat of 9F17 | |
| 2F33 | I will not use abbrev. | |
| 2F01 | I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. | |
| 2F02 | None | |
| 2F03 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 2F04 | I will not send lard through the mail | |
| 2F05 | I will not dissect things unless instructed | |
| 2F06 | I will not whittle hall passes out of soap | |
| 2F07 | Repeat of 1F11 | |
| 2F08 | Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough | |
| 2F09 | Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal | |
| 2F10 | "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice | |
| 2F11 | Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does | |
| 2F12 | Next time it could be me on the scaffolding | |
| 2F13 | I will not hang donuts on my person | |
| 2F14 | I will remember to take my medication | |
| 2F31 | None | |
| 2F15 | I will not strut around like I own the place | |
| 2F18 | The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far | |
| 2F19 | I do not have power of attorney over first graders | |
| 2F32 | Nerve gas is not a toy | |
| 2F21 | I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface | |
| 2F22 | The First Amendment does not cover burping | |
| 2F16 | This is not a clue...or is it? | |
| In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns | ||
| 2F20 | I will not complain about the solution when I hear it | |
| In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed | ||
| 2F17 | "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism | |
| 3F01 | No one wants to hear from my armpits | |
| 3F02 | I am not a lean mean spitting machine | |
| 3F03 | The boys room is not a water park | |
| 3F04 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 3F05 | Indian burns are not our cultural heritage | |
| 3F06 | None | |
| 3F08 | Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things | |
| 3F31 | I will only do this once a year | |
| ...which is once a year too many for clip shows | ||
| 3F07 | I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist | |
| 3F10 | I am not certified to remove asbestos | |
| 3F09 | None | |
| 3F11 | None | |
| 3F12 | None | |
| 3F13 | None | |
| 3F14 | None | |
| 3F16 | None | |
| 3F15 | None | |
| 3F17 | None | |
| 3F18 | None | |
| 3F19 | None | |
| 3F20 | None | |
| 3F21 | None | |
| 3F22 | None | |
| 4F02 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 3F23 | I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten | |
| 4F03 | I am not my long-lost twin | |
| 4F05 | None | |
| 4F06 | None | |
| 4F04 | None | |
| 4F01 | None | |
| During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period) | ||
| 4F07 | None | |
| 3F24 | None | |
| 3G01 | The truth is not out there | |
| A reference to "The X-Files" | ||
| 4F08 | I am not licensed to do anything | |
| 4F10 | None | |
| 3G03 | I will not hide the teacher's Prozac | |
| 4F12 | None | |
| 4F11 | I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face | |
| Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name) | ||
| 4F14 | None | |
| 4F13 | None | |
| 4F15 | None | |
| 4F09 | None | |
| 4F16 | A fire drill does not demand a fire | |
| 4F17 | None | |
| 4F18 | None | |
| 4F19 | None | |
| 4F20 | None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase | |
| 4F21 | None | |
| 4F22 | None | |
| 4F23 | None | |
| 3G02 | I no longer want my MTV | |
| 5F02 | None - Halloween Special | |
| 5F01 | Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story | |
| 5F03 | I did not invent Irish dancing | |
| 5F04 | None | |
| 5F05 | I will not tease Fatty | |
| 5F06 | There was no Roman god named "Fartacus" | |
| 5F07 | Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related | |
| 5F24 | None | |
| 5F08 | None | |
| 5F23 | Shooting paintballs is not an art form | |
| 5F11 | None | |
| 5F10 | Pain is not the cleanser | |
| 5F12 | Silly String is not a nasal spray | |
| 4F24 | None | |
| 5F13 | I was not told to do this | |
| 3G04 | My butt does not deserve a website | |
| 5F14 | I will not demand what I'm worth | |
| A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money | ||
| 5F15 | None | |
| 5F09 | I will not mess with the opening credits | |
| This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom | ||
| 5F16 | None | |
| 5F17 | I am not the new Dalai Lama | |
| 5F18 | I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" | |
| This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld" | ||
| 5F20 | None | |
| 5F21 | I will not file frivolous lawsuits | |
| 5F22 | None | |
| AABF01 | The Simpsons Halloween Special IX | |
| This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush | ||
| 5F19 | "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address | |
| Originally, "butt.com" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as butt.com is an actual web site address; however, "butt.com" still appeared in Canada | ||
| AABF02 | No one cares what my definition of "is" is | |
| Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case | ||
| AABF03 | I will not scream for ice cream | |
| AABF04 | I am not a licensed hairstylist | |
| AABF05 | "The President did it" is not an excuse | |
| This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed) | ||
| AABF06 | My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld | |
| AABF07 | Sherri does not "got back" | |
| AABF08 | I will not do the Dirty Bird | |
| The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl | ||
| AABF09 | No one wants to hear about my sciatica | |
| AABF11 | Hillbillies are people too | |
| AABF10 | Grammar is not a time of waste | |
| AABF12 | Repeat of 9F20 | |
| AABF13 | It does not suck to be you | |
| AABF14 | I cannot absolve sins | |
| In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics | ||
| AABF15 | A trained ape could not teach gym | |
| AABF16 | Loose teeth don't need my help | |
| AABF17 | I have neither been there nor done that | |
| AABF18 | Repeat of 3F01 | |
| AABF20 | I'm so very tired | |
| AABF23 | Fridays are not "pants optional" | |
| AABF22 | Pork is not a verb | |
| AABF21 | I am not the last Don | |
| BABF01 | None - Halloween Special | |
| AABF19 | I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize | |
| BABF02 | I won't not use no double negatives | |
| BABF03 | Repeat of 3F05 | |
| BABF05 | I can't see dead people | |
| A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law) | ||
| BABF07 | I will not sell my kidney on eBay | |
| Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small); also, Lisa writes "I will not do math in class" during the show | ||
| BABF04 | I will not create art from dung | |
| A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung | ||
| BABF06 | I will stop phoning it in | |
| BABF08 | Class clown is not a paid position | |
| BABF09 | Substitute teachers are not scabs | |
| BABF10 | My suspension was not "mutual" | |
| BABF11 | A belch is not an oral report | |
| BABF12 | Dodgeball stops at the gym door | |
| BABF13 | "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge | |
| BABF14 | I was not touched "there" by an angel | |
| BABF16 | I am not here on a fartball scholarship | |
| BABF15 | I will not dance on anyone's grave | |
| BABF18 | I cannot hire a substitute student | |
| BABF19 | I will not obey the voices in my head | |
| BABF21 | None - Halloween Special | |
| BABF20 | I will not plant subliminal messagores | |
| The parts in green appeared in green on the show A reference to the "subliminal message" claim during the 2000 USA Presidential Election campaign; during a Republican commercial, the word "RAT" appeared briefly while Democrats were being mentioned |
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| BABF17 | I will not surprise the incontinent | |
| CABF01 | I am not the acting President | |
| A reference to the 2000 USA Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode first aired | ||
| CABF04 | I was not the sixth Beatle | |
| CABF02 | I will only provide a urine sample when asked | |
| CABF03 | The nurse is not dealing | |
| CABF06 | Science class should not end in tragedy | |
| During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus" | ||
| BABF22 | Network TV is not dead | |
| CABF05 | I will not "let the dogs out" | |
| CABF08 | I will not hide the teacher's medication | |
| CABF07 | I will not publish the Principal's credit report | |
| CABF10 | The hamster did not have "a full life" | |
| CABF12 | I will not buy a Presidential pardon | |
| A reference to ex-President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations/payments which might be "a conflict of interest" | ||
| CABF09 | "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap | |
| A reference to a Fox television series where couples were sent to an island filled with singles to test their commitment | ||
| CABF11 | I will not scare the Vice President | |
| A reference to USA Vice-President Dick Cheney being in the hosiptal with a heart condition | ||