There's Something About Mary

Not to break the code of "movie reviewers" here or anything, but if you read any of my movie reviews after this one (this being the FIRST for the page), you'll see my "shill the movie like a commercial, then break it down like the sarcasitic biased rat-bastard you are" pattern... really. Now, there's a film we were talking about here somewhere--- wasn't there? Oh yeah, the film starring real life lovebirds Cameron Diaz (still as fine as the day I saw the Mask ) and Matt Dillon and that crazy comedic genius Ben--MOTHER FUCKING--Stiller. I mean, come on. Who else would be sick enough to throw a racist famous twin killing O.J. rip-off into the Cable Guy but it's seriously underrated director. And right from the get go, I love this movie--- I really do.

Before I move any further, I'm going to TRY to hype this bastich as much as possible without rehashing the plotline or giving away the shock stuff, but--- it might not happen... okay, now that we understand each other, we begin in the late 1980s. Ben Stiller is the long haired-braced faced geek that is forced to not realize that he's not exactly "loved by girls"--- geez, that's all to familiar. Scary, actually. Stiller's character is introed with the most horrifically hilarious song... by a band that is in the film just as much as the central characters. The band and the under and overtones of the song are just a huge joke and really carry this film to new heights. For example (WARNING! If you haven't seen the commercials or don't want to know a THING I break reviewer KAYFAYBE in about a line...):

Come on! That's funny... [sigh] Still, the hinting of perversive ideas in the background like that as WELL as the over the top and very science fiction-esque wonderment that is this story is sure to win ANY person over not old enough to remember the days Gunsmoke was on Television.

There was a review here, wasn't there? Oh yeah, Stiller's dorky character rules the farking world and continually is taken advantage of by the world. Awww... so we're even building more sympathy for the guy as he harps over the babe-that-could-have-been, the much loved... Mary. [Cue Music]

Well screw you too... so Mary's a hottie, I mean--- it _IS_ Cameron Diaz, but she's also the "perfect woman". She likes sports, digs beer guzzling guys who work for themselves, and basically fill every "Testosterone Injected" male stereotype the world has every known. This fact alone, never MIND the fact that Mary dresses and _undresses_ in front of an open window nor the fact that I don't think I counted _ONE_ time during the whole film where she had a bra on (did I SAY I minded? Sit down asshole...) make Mary the goddess amongst godesses.

As the movie progesses, the evil Matt Dillon (in all senses... this guy is out there WITH Cameron Diaz. Bastard. Matt, if you're reading this--- I don't REALLY mean it that way, I swear... heh...) basically tries to fuck ole Benny boy up the ass sideways, and Ben is given a second chance MIRACULOUSLY, despite Dillon's attempt to pulled a Bischoff (for those of you not into the lingo, a Bischoff is a HUGE way to fuck someone over). So from Rhode Island to Florida (why must such a HOT chick live in one of the few Flit Capitals of the world? Hell, might as well have thrown her in SAN FRANCISCO rather than Maimi--- which is the funny part... she's a '9ers fan! MORE INSIDE JOKES! WOOO!) we go...

So Stiller has the typical pathetic guy trying to win over the love of this insanely awesome chick trip halfway across the country trip and basically causes himself more plight by being good. So the whole build up here tells you: BEN WILL FUCK HIMSELF OVER BEFORE THE END OF THE FILM.

After a brief appearence on the ever white trash popular Cops, Stiller is back on the road, with his friend Dom (Chris "Cabin Boy? WTF is Cabin Boy--- ha! You've got to be kidding me... who would make THAT film?" Elliot). Ben spends the whole movie basically WISHING to have the relationship and life of Elliot. So it's only RIGHT that Elliot helps the schmuck out, right? Glad you agree so easily. Now, Stiller has been beaten to shit and must finally attempt to win over the love of Mary. Dillon's got his snooping ass ALL over the place making sure nothing fucks him out of that pussy... or something. Then we have Mary's British cripple friend (she's a caring babe too... man), and things get interesting. Does Ben end up fucking himself over? Who EXACTLY "gets" Mary? Does the movie just end like Titanic and Mary kills herself? (Wait, that's not ANYTHING like the sinking ship, then again NEITHER WAS THE FILM) Does Matt Dillon decide he's gay and he should just give Cameron Diaz my phone number? --- wait, off the subject. Heh. So many questions... but if I say anymore you'll all kill me. =P I mean, those who HAVEN'T seen the film anywayz.

Did I forget to mention that Mary had only come close to marriage ONCE, with a character named Brett... and the second T is relavent... and if you see the film, you'd know why--- now WOULDN'T you? HUH?!?! HUH?!?! Alrighty. I'm done with getting you interested. If you're not intersted in the film by that alone... SHAME ON YOU and... go see it anyway. =)


THE GOOD STUFF

The Farley Brothers will have one hell of a time topping this one with their next film. This movie took an amazing four person collaboration and made it one of the best comedies I've seen in a while and head and hells ABOVE their past two hits.

Ben Stiller and Cameron Diaz fit their characters SO well, though despite Chris Elliot's just outright coolness... he's the only one I question in terms of casting simply during the shock ending.

The band schtick all the way through the film is great. It was a nice way to switch the pace or let new subplots begin. Props!

Who feeds a Dog Speed anywayz? Funny schtick... and the dog in the body cast is perhaps one of the coolest things I've seen in a while... now to con one of the theatre workers OUT of the button... hmmmm.

Did I forget to mention that aside from Chris Rock, Jim Breuer, and a load of SNL alums I worship... this movie has just about the world's most ass kicking line-up of comics? I mean... Harland Williams (me thinks that be his last name, the guy from Rocketman ) is in the THING! WOO!

This blockbuster is chockful of about twenty different subplots that ALL tie in together at the end... and god, does it feel good to see a movie that makes you say "Who, that plot MADE SENSE! YEAH!" Think Seinfeld episode in terms of plots running and starting and eventually EVERYTHING finishes in the end together.

The brother of Mary is just such a lovable character. The spots of cruelty towards the retarded character seemed to leave me questioning whether I was supposed to HATE the people picking on him or laugh with them. Regardless, you did gain a good feeling towards Mary and Stiller's character through him, which I THINK was the point.


THE BAD (scary, huh?) STUFF

Okay, Stiller's crotch is the focus of WAY too much of this film. The stuff that made America's Funniest Home Videos the number one show on Sundays at one point is drenched all over this thing. I mean, it worked in the different ways they used it and the fact that is was ONLY STILLER'S crotch that always took the pounding made it all the more plotline driven. But did I _REALLY_ , I mean _REALLY_ have to see what it looked like when he caught it in the zipper? I mean--- REALLY?!?!

Speaking of stuff I didn't need to see, there's a few "neekid" scenes I could have done without... more or less full frontal nudity that SHOULD have been Diaz, but for truely sick comedic purposes, it wasn't... damn them.

Do I have to wait another two or three years to see ANOTHER Farley's Movie? More please!


THE MICHAEL STUFF

The movie was, in Farley Brothers' fashion, longer than most comedies. It ran 1:59 from beginning to end. And delivered more than MOST films in a long time.

HOW EXACTLY did it deliver? Simple. Comedy, Science Fiction (the whole "everyone loves Mary" deal is hinted with science fiction overtones... which I love), Drama, and a plotline without many wholes, EVEN THOUGH it's basically says from the beginning "Hi, we're an over the top comedy that shouldn't be taken seriously." Amazing.

Is it just me or is a little scary that the 1980s were considered "a long, long, long time ago." God damn, I'm 16... I'm frightened.

Just to show how much I LOVE this film, this is the first film I've EVER promoted through word of mouth. The mystique and aura about it just rips so much ass... it's amazing.

Great date movie. I really have YET to meet a person who did not LIKE this movie a good amount. It's just an amazingly effective film in it's build-up and delivery, and in the end (despite my mocking DURING the film that Dillon and Stiller would end up as a gay couple simply by some of the hinting at the beginning) everything is alright in the world--- and then there's a shotgun.