JVV The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro. "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm. Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they played their eighteen holes as usual. When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the "19th Hole", one of the group got enough "Jack Daniels" courage, and asked, "Mr. President, what's the story on those panties you have stuck to your left arm?" Clinton replied, "It's a patch...I'm trying to quit."
The difference between a gentleman golfer, and a golfer who is not a gentleman can be found in the way they handle themselves after hitting another golfer with the ball. The non gentleman golfer would say something like, "Hey you, yeah you, the guy lying in the fairway, did you see where my ball went?" And the gentleman golfer would say something like, "I'm awfully sorry sir, are you alright, I hope I didn't hurt you, don't bother getting up, by the way, you didn't happen to see where my ball went, did you?"
"Last night, John finally popped the big question," one young woman confided to another. "He said it was really difficult for him since he wasn't sure he was ready to take on the responsibilty, having been on his own for so long. But if we were going through life together, we might as well do it." "So, when's the wedding?" the other woman asked. "What wedding?" the first woman replied. "He asked me if I wanted to go golfing."
Top Ten Signs You're Golfing Too Much � When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter � The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME. � You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job. � You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver. � You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left. � You'd like to take off your glove but hey, why bother? � Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line. � You're vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife � You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through. � Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.
"Worst Golfer Award" http://www.flowgo.com/page2.cfm?l=1678
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''
It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's just lying there. I think she's dead." Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving.I think he may be dead, too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he ants. "I can't find any green golf balls,'' the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?'' "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!''
A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course. Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course. Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?" And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."
Send to Scott