A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long? You're over two hours late." "Hey! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie." I have a 27 handicap."
A guy and his buddy go golfing one day. The first guy tee's up and takes a wild swing at the ball and misses it. The buddy says, "Well that's one stroke". The guy says, "Oh no that was just a practice swing". The buddy then says, "Not when you say 'oh s***' after your swing."
A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals. Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet. Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills. Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired. An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"
After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday? "My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me". So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice." The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice." Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!"
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it". The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said "Sure!". They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!". The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
MP In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English (You believe that and I will tell you another).
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