Two men had just finished a round of golf at their country club and were about to leave the 19th hole. Arnold asked Jack if he would like to see the new hunting rifle Arnold had purchased. Jack thought that would be fun, so they tossed their clubs in the trunk and drove to Arnold's home. Upon entering, Arnold went into another room and returned with his new rifle. Holding it up and pointing it out the window, he told Jack about the magnificent scope and how it made everything seem so close. Arnold told Jack he thought he could see into Jack's house across the valley...into the bedroom actually. "Is anyone in there?" asked Jack. "Yes," said Arnold looking through the scope once again. "Is it my wife?" "Yes." "Is she alone?" "Nope." "Is there a man with her?" "Yep." "Are they on the bed?" "Yep," Arnold answered, again looking through the scope. "Do they have their clothes on?" "Nope." At this point, Jack was becoming frantic. He saw a box of bullets on the table and rushed over and took two bullets out of the box. Handing them to Arnold, Jack told him, "Load these into your rifle, and with the first bullet, shoot off that man's penis. With the second bullet, put it right through my wife's head for being unfaithful. I've had it with her." Arnold held up the rifle once more and peered through the scope. He then handed one of the bullets back to Jack, saying, "It's only going to take one shot!"
Two friends, Bob and Fred, are sitting in a bar, debating over whether or not there is golf in heaven. They made each other a promise right then and there: the first one to die would come back and let the other know if there is golf in heaven. Bob was the first to die. A couple of Sundays later, Fred got rained out of a round of golf and was in the bar, when, suddenly, he heard a voice. "Hello, Fred," said the voice. "It is me, Bob." Fred, a little bit scared, asked Bob, "So...is there golf in heaven?" Bob replied, "Fred, I have good news and bad news. First, the good news. There is golf in heaven!" "And the bad news?" asked Fred. "You have a tee time today at 11:35!"
This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot. A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building. "His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."
A man takes the day off and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit his ball when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old-girl." "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
The club champion was playing a round of golf with one of the city's young beauties,who was also the winner of the city queen title. After the tenth hole was completed the golf champ asked her if she would consider going to bed with him for a thousand dollars. Not taking too long to answer, she said she would. He then asked if she would for five hundred dollars, and again she agreed. Next he asked if she would for five dollars. She got very indignant and asked "what kind of a girl do you think I am?" He said," that has been already established, but now we need to decide the fee."
We all know that if you putt with no glove on, the feel and sensitivity on the club will increase. This is due to the large number of nerve endings in the finger tips. Phil got the idea to further increase his control by placing his penis on the club and then wrapping his hands around it, thus inventing the term "miniature golf."
Once upon a time a guy was talking with his girlfriend and she invited him over to dinner the next night. He graciously accepted and then she proclaimed after this big event she would make love to him. So before dinnertime, he was out getting a golf lesson at the club, but he couldn't concentrate at all. The pro asked him what was on his mind. So he told him that his girlfriend wanted to make love with him tonight. The pro was excited for the young man, and instead of giving him golf lessons he gave him lessons on making love. He taught him everything and by the end of the lesson he was an expert. So later that night the boy arrived at his girlfriends' house. They sat down for dinner and the girl said grace. The boyfriend just kept his head down. Finally after 20 minutes the girlfriend whispered "I never knew you were so religious", and the boy responded, "I never knew your dad was a golf pro."
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?" "You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember." "Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'" "That was the last thing I remember."
A man had been practicing his putting while on a business trip. His putter was in his car as he rode the elevator up to his hotel room. His practice balls, however, were still in his pocket. The elevator stopped on the third floor and a woman got on. She kept glancing at the man's pants pocket. Finally, the man looked her straight in the eye and said, "golf balls lady." "Oh," she replied, "is that anything like tennis elbow?"
Mike and Bob were on the first tee discussing the rules for the day's match. Mike suggested that they play the ball as it lies and Bob agreed. Mike proceeds to tee it up and knock a drive down the dead center of the fairway, about 200 yards out. Bob tees off and slices toward the woods and cart path. They hop in the cart and head toward Bob's ball.They find that it is in the center of the cart path, with a large tree between him and the green. Bob asks "surely I get relief from the cart path, don't I?" To which Mike answers, "we agreed to play it as it lies". Bob grabs a club and proceeds to his ball while Mike heads toward his in the cart. As Mike watches Bob takes several practice swings whith sparks flying off the cart path. Finally Bob takes a mighty swing, and with sparks flying hits a wonderfull shot over the tree landing on the green not far from the pin. "WOW!" Mike exclaims." What club did you use?" Bob replies, "Oh, that was your six iron."
A gentleman is playing golf one fine afternoon. On the 11th tee he violently slices his ball into the buttercup field. After spending the alotted 5 minutes he finally finds his ball. Upon addressing the ball for his next shot he hears, "Don't you dare ruin my buttercups." Ignoring this he addresses the ball again, and one more time he hears the same voice. "Who is that?" he asks. "This is Mother Nature and if you take your ball out of the buttercups I will give you all the butter you want for the rest of your life." "That's fine," he says. "But where were you on No. 5 when I was in the pussy willows?"
A golfer and his wife were sitting around at home when she, being pregnant, began to have serious labor pains. The rush to the hospital began. Despite all their efforts, they were too late. Upon arrival at the hospital, she just fell, sprawled out on the grass, and had the baby on the lawn. After seeing that everything was fine, the husband looked around and said, "Well, no use going in the hospital now, we'll just go back home", which they did. Three days later, he got a bill from the hospital for $3000.00, marked "delivery charges". Irate, he wrote back denying the charges and stated that his wife made it no further than the lawn of the hospital. Three days later, he got another bill from the hospital for $3000.00, marked "green fees".
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "I'm really worried about my wife. I ask her a question and she never answers. I think she's going deaf." "That's possible," answers the doctor. "But in order to help, we'll have to determine the extent of her hearing problem. I suggest that you run a little test to see how bad the problem really is." At that point the doctor gave him instructions. The next day the two are out on the golf course. She's plumbobbing a putt, and he steps 15 feet away from her and asks, "Which way do you think it will break?" No answer. He steps 5 feet closer and asks the same question, and still no answer. Again 5 feet closer, and again still no answer. Finally he moves to within inches of her ear and asks, "Which way do you think it will break?" She snaps, "For the fourth and final time, I think the damn thing breaks to the left!"
Pregnancy and Exercise The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Two women are playing golf one evening when it starts to rain. One of the ladies remarks, "We should go inside before our clubs get wet." The other one takes a condom out of her golf bag and puts it over her club. "What is that condom for?" inquires her partner. "It keeps them dry," she replies. So the next day she goes to a drug store and says to the clerk, "I want a box of condoms." He says, "What size?" She replies, "Well I don't know but it has to fit a king cobra." After hearing this, the clerk passed out.
The worst foursome in golf: MONICA LEWINSKI O.J. SIMPSON TED KENNEDY BILL CLINTON Why, you ask?? - Lewinski is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't remember which hole he played last.
Tom sits in a clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra-marital affair. Deep in thought about the subject, he absent-mindedly starts thinking aloud. Not worth it," he mutters. "Never as good as you hoped. Expensive, and above all, drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time had overheard Tom's words. He leans across to Tom and says, "Come on Tom. You knew what to expect when you took up golf."
Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz." Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course." "Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"
Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
Catholic v. Jewish Golf Match - The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and, on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults," says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help." "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???" "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamn tree, did you?"
One day a man went out to play a game of golf. That day it was very cloudy and ready to rain. He was on the 10th hole when he was struck by a bolt of lightning. He was put in the hospital for a week or so, and as soon as he got out he went to play a round of golf with some buddies. On the first hole one man asked him ''aren't you afraid to play ever since you were struck by lightning?'' ''No,'' the man said. ''I carry my one iron iron with me. - God can't even hit a one iron.''
GOLF-I-TIS Most often attacks adult males, but the female is not immune. Appears in Spring with the first melting of snow, increases in severity during Summer months, and disappears only after heavy snow. SYMPTOMS: Patient complains of shut-in feelings, expresses desire for fresh air, sunshine and relaxation. Seems immune in Spring rains, Summer heat, Autumn gales, has yearning for tee and greens. Swings any long handled object like umbrella, cane or poker with an absent mindedness that might prove dangerous. Has no desire for work especially in afternoon. Shudders at sight of lawn mower. Goes into rage if wife asks for car. Mumbles to self about bogies, birdies, hooks and slices. TREATMENT: Permit as much outdoor freedom as possible. Keep sport shirts always in readiness. Never invite guests for Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Rarely fatal, although it has made more widows than any other known disease. Joining Golf Club should prove helpful.
There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
One day, three elderly Senior Golfers, 60, 70, and 80 years of age respectively, were having their weekly round. The 60-year-old said, "Well, life sure gets tough when you get on in years." His 70-year-old companion asked what he meant. The younger man said, "Well, every day I wake up at 6:00 am and want to pee, however, no matter how hard I try, it won't come; I run water, shake it, no way." The 70 year old finished putting, thought and said "Man, you got it easy, every day I wake at 6:00 and want to poo. No matter how I grunt and strain, no luck, even medicine doesn't work." Their older partner, the 80 year old, who had been quietly listening, advised, "You're both lucky, my problems are much worse." One of the younger men asked why this was, to which the older man replied, "Every day I pee at 6:00 and every day I poo at 6:05." His friends looked at him and asked, "How can that be so bad?" The older man replied, "I don't wake up until 6:30"
An Australian Professional went over to Japan to play in an important tournament. He took his brother as a caddy. The first night in Tokyo the golfer had to have an early bedtime but the brother decided to go out on the town. He finished up in a house of ill repute, and upon having had his wicked way with one of the young ladies, heard her scream "YAKAMOTO!! YAKAMOTO!!" Assured in his mind and ego that this heartfelt cry of "YAKAMOTO" was an expression of satisfaction at his manhood the caddy returned to his hotel well satisfied with his night out. The next day on the course his brother, the pro, is on the difficult 187 yard par 3 fifth hole. He pulls out a 4 iron and drills it as straight as a gun barrel into what he mistakenly thought was the 5th green. Straight into the hole!!! The crowd all rose as one and screamed "YAKAMOTO!! YAKAMOTO!!" The Caddy said to the Pro..."I Think that means it was a great shot..." To which the more experienced Pro replied, " No, actually YAKAMOTO in Japanese, means 'wrong hole'".
Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.'' "What about the bucket of sand?'' "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''
What do alligators wear when they play golf? Sportshirts with little middle-aged men on them.
JH - There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was anobsession.One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air andlanded right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
LGrieve - Thought you guys might be able to relate. The Ball In my hand I hold a ball, White and dimpled, rather small. Oh, how bland it does appear This harmless looking little sphere. By its size I could not guess The awesome strength it does possess; But since I fell beneath its spell I've wandered through the fires of Hell. My life has not been quite the same Since I chose to play this game. It rules my mind for hours on end. A fortune it has made me spend. It has made me curse and cry. I hate myself and want to die. It promises a thing called "par" If I can hit it straight and far. To master such a tiny ball Should not be very hard at all. But my desires the ball refuses And does exactly as it chooses. It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies Or disappears before my eyes. Often it will have a whim To hit a tree or take a swim. With miles of grass on which to land It finds a tiny patch of sand, Then has me offering up my soul If it will just drop in the hole. It's made me whimper like a pup, And swear that I will give it up And take to drink to ease my sorrow.. But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back ... tomorrow.
10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty...... 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh s**t my shafts all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot ot be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up, I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
A man is out playing golf and is having the round of his life. He comes up to the 17th hole, a long par 5 with a large oak tree in the middle of the fairway. He hits a beautiful tee shot down the left side of the fairway. When he gets to his ball, he finds that there is one limb hanging over the fairway that may interfere with his 2nd shot. The man thinks to himself, "Do I pull out a 7 iron and play it safe or do I pull out the 3 wood and go for it?" The man has been having the best round of his life so he decides to pull out the 3 wood and go for it. He hits his second shot which hits the overhanging limb, bounces straight back at him striking him in the head and instantly kills him. Now the man is at the Pearly Gates and is standing in front of Saint Peter. Saint Peter is looking in his book and can not seem to find the man's name. Finally, Saint Peter is so frustrated that he asks the man, "How did you get here?" The man replies, "I got here in two."
Two blonde golfers were playing a very foggy par three in Ireland. The fog was so dense that they could see the top of the flag but not the green. "Not to worry," said their caddies, "we will watch your balls." Off went the caddies down the fairway to watch the balls. When the blondes reached the green and looked around, they found one ball two feet from the hole, the other in the hole. The caddies asked which ball each was using as they were unsure which one had holed out; both said they were using Top-Flite 2 balls. They all decided the only way to find a solution was to talk to the Course Pro. After hearing the story, seeing the balls, and congratulating them for their great shots, he asked the Caddies "Ok, now which of them was using the orange ball?"
Send to Scott