RH Guy comes home from his weekly round of golf, but his wife notces how unusually tired and disheveled he looks. Seeking to console him she sympathizes "Ah, have a bad day at the course, Honey?" He replies "It was terrible! On the first tee, both Bill and John hit nice drives to the left center of the fairway. Then I proceeded to shank my tee shot off the ball washer and hit John square between the eyes. The whole rest of the day it was,... Hit and drag John! Hit and drag John!"
Cardinal Nicklaus Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world." The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If you had $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
John asked his priest one day, "Father, do you think that there is a golf course in heaven?" The priest replied that he really didn't know but during his nightly prayer he would ask. "I may get an answer someday and if I do I will let you know". A few days later the two met again and the priest told John that he had asked that question during his prayer. He said, "You know God communicates in strange ways and when I woke up this morning I found I had the answer, and the answer is that there is a golf course in Heaven." John replied, "Well, that certainly is good news Father." The Priest said, "Yes it is, but there is more to the answer, you are scheduled to tee off next Wednesday morning at 10:00."
Two lady friends met at a local restaurant for lunch. "I hear your husband hasn't been feeling well lately," the first woman said. "Oh, he was in bad shape there, for a while," her friend replied. "But he's feeling better now?" she asked. "Much, much better now, thank you. He's finally, for the first time in his life, completely at peace with himself and the universe around him." "You don't say," said her friend. "And to what do you credit this remarkable turnaround?" "It turned out to be quite simple, actually," she said. "He gave up golf!!"
Your first golf shot of the day is never made to order. Rarely down the middle, usually in the water. Your second slices in the woods a place no man dare tread. Your gutsy third comes wizzing back, almost takes off your head. You chip your fourth back into play. Your fifth lands in the beach. Your sixth sprays sand but it's still there, Your seventh just might reach. Oh well, two putts for nine, it happens now and then. Oh no! My ninth just rimmed the cup. Oh God I took a ten!
BC Avid golfer asks priest if golf courses in heaven.Priest said in his daily prayers he'd ask God. Week later golfer runs into priest. "God gave me answer--good news/bad news". Let me have good news. Good news, there are hundreds of golf courses in heaven. What's bad news? You have a tee time at 1:30 Tuesday.
"I don't understand you," said his wife. "You spend all this time and money on your precious golf. Sooner or later, you won't be able to play anymore. What will you have saved for that rainy day when it comes?" "A whole lot of work!"
Frank arrived home from the golf course after his usual Sunday game. "So how was your golfing today?" his wife asked, as he came through the door. "Most interesting," said Frank. "I played golf today with the most amazing guy in the world." "What was so amazing about him?" asked his wife. "Was it his driving?" "No." "Was it his iron play?" "No." "So he must have been a great putter?" "Nope." "So then, what was so amazing about him?" "You wouldn't have believed it," said Frank. "He actually kept score with a pen!"
What do golf and sex have in common? They're two things you can enjoy even if you're lousy at both of them.
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says. "Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."
Two gentelmen golfers were sitting at the bar having a drink after golf, when they heard a foursome of ladies talking at the next table. One of the ladies seemed to be bragging about how well she had done in today's around. She told the other ladies that she had had several riders during the round. Another lady bragged that she had also had several riders. The Gentlemen decided that they must be playing some new golf game. They thought that perhaps it might be a game that they could play with their foursome. So they asked one of the ladies what a rider was. The Ladies were more than happy to tell them what a rider was. "Well," said one Lady, "A rider is every time you hit the ball far enough to get into the cart and ride to it."
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world." The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
One day this guy got a hole-in-one and won 1 million dollars. So, he called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I just won 1 million dollars. Pack your bags." His wife replied, "What should I pack summer clothes, winter clothes, what?" Her husband replied, "I don't care but you better be gone when I get home."
Tom and Ted met at their favorite golf course for a round. Ted was about to tee off when he noticed that Tom was holding in his hand a very unorthodox golf ball. What caught his eye was that it had roughly eight colors. "Say Tom, what kind of ball is that? I've never seen so many colors." Tom replies, "Well Ted this ball is really quite something. If you hit it into the bunker, little wheels pop out and it rolls itself out of the sand. If you hit into the rough, a small blade trims the grass down around the ball. If you hit into the lake a tiny sail unfolds and the breeze will blow it over to you. And if you hit into the deep grass, a beeper will sound and direct you to where it is!" Ted says, "That's terrific, where can I get a ball like that?" Tom replies, "I don't know Tom; I found this one."
Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they liked the game of golf. "What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind." "Forget that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy spend the afternoon with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him?!"
A Mother-in-Law goes to visit her daughter-in-law and finds her standing in front of the door, completely nude. The mother-in-Law says to her, "What are you doing standing there, naked in front of the door?" Her daughter-in-law says, "I'm wearing my love dress and your son is soon to be home from the golf course!" The mother-in-Law becomes absolutely frustrated with her and leaves for her own home. At home, she decides to shower and put on her best perfume, thinking that perhaps she should wait for her hubby in the nude at the front door as well! There she is waiting at the door in her new love dress when her hubby arrives. He says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I have my love dress on for you!" He immediately replies, "Well darlin' you had better get your iron on that love dress of yours!"
There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway... a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy... isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"
A man hit his ball into the bunker and looked down and saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a Genie popped out. The Genie said, "Look, I'm very busy so I'm going to grant you only one wish so make it good." The man said, "I'm afraid of flying so I'd like you to build an overseas bridge to Hawaii." The Genie said, "Do you realize how incredibly difficult that would be. I'm powerful but I can't do that. Make another wish." The man said,"OK,I'd like to know how a woman's brain works." The Genie said, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Two golfers took shelter beneath a giant oak tree near Augusta National's 3rd hole to avoid a sudden thunderstorm. One pulled out their score card. "What did you have on the last hole?" "Six" CRASH CRASH! LIGHTNING! "Better make that a seven."
A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman. "Yes, I think it is." "Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors." "Gee, I'm sorry." said the golfer."Is there anything I can do?" The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."
He's (or She') such a good golfer .... he's really improved. � Today he hit the ball in one! � He shout's "Fore" when he putts! � He just missed a hole in one - by 5 strokes! � He can't help but cheat - when he got a hole in one he wrote 0 on the card!
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one senior golfer complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddy from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play. On the first tee, the golfer mishit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par. The man turned to his caddy and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!" To which the caddy replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
A married couple was sitting at the dinner table one evening when the wife suddenly broke down in tears. Taken completely by surprise, the husband could barely spit out a "What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong," she said. "There's no romance left in our marriage. After all these years, I'm just old news to you. You couldn't care less about me. The only thing you care about is your stupid golf. You haven't cared since the day we got married." "Oh, honey," he said, taking her hand gently in his. "How could you say such a ridiculous thing? The day we were married is engrained in my mind like no other day in my life." "Do you really mean it?" she cried. "Of course I do," he declared. "How could I forget it? The day before I got my first eagle."
George and Bob having completed the front nine, dropped by the country club bar for a few too many 'shots' before commencing the remaining nine holes. George having moderate difficulty teeing his ball, finally comes to a wobbly address and exclaims, "Holy Toledo Bob, I don't even know which of these damn balls to hit." Upon which Bob slurs, "Well hell man, hit 'em all, ya got enough clubs in your hands!"
A friend of ours was playing in a tournament in Florida last fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world." The caddy grinned, "That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence."
"What are you getting your husband for his birthday?" "A new stove." "I thought he wanted a set of golf clubs." "He did." "Then why are you getting him a stove?" "Because the golf clubs didn't match the refrigerator he got me for my birthday."
One day two men were golfing when they noticed that there were two dogs sitting in the middle of the fairway. They waited about ten minutes for the dogs to move, but they wouldn't leave. So one of the men hits his shot and yells, "Twenty-eight!" His friend asks him why he did that, and he responds, "Twenty-eight is four in dog years."
Robert went to see his doctor. He wasn't feeling well at all. He felt tired, run down, and generally suffering from exhaustion. "My diagnosis is simply that you are worn out," said the doctor. "I believe you've been playing too much golf." "Too much golf," exclaimed Robert. "What can I do?" "You need to take some time off and relax," said the doctor. "My advice to you is to spend some time at the office."
BC Conversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Shit.
Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast, steeply-sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to hit a wedge between the putts.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not too choosy about which fairway.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being marked.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Then check it for floatability.
--------- A man hit his ball into the bunker and looked down and saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a Genie popped out. The Genie said, "Look, I'm very busy so I'm going to grant you only one wish so make it good." The man said, "I'm afraid of flying so I'd like you to build an overseas bridge to Hawaii." The Genie said, "Do you realize how incredibly difficult that would be. I'm powerful but I can't do that. Make another wish." The man said,"OK,I'd like to know how a woman's brain works." The Genie said, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the PA system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee." He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!! He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the PA shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his SECOND shot".
DG Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
3 men were standing on the first tee, about to hit, when a beautiful young woman approached and asked if she could make up a foursome. Naturally, the men were delighted to have the company of such a stunning female. The young lady was given the honor and proceeded to hook her shot into the thick bush. The first man teed off, caressing his drive 220 yards straight down the center of the fairway. "What a wonderful drive," commented the woman. "Not bad for a man with a wooden leg," replied the first golfer. The young lady, disbelief evident on her face, required proof of this handicap. Player 1 promptly sat down and, to the of sounds squeaking and rattling, proceeded to unscrew his leg. The woman was flabbergasted. The second man then addressed his ball and drove it 250 yards to the left-hand edge of the fairway. Once again the young lady made comment on the magnificence of the drive. "Not bad for a man with an artificial arm," stated the second golfer. The young lady was skeptical, so player 2, to the sounds of screeching metal, unscrewed his arm as proof. Again the young lady was astounded. The third man walked up to the tee and monstered his ball 320 yards to the edge of the green. The woman, by now almost speechless, could only manage a muttered, "Unbelievable." "Thank you," was his reply, "I shall help you look for your ball," he said to the beautiful young lady. The young lady and the third male, set off to search the bush for the lost ball whilst the other two players strolled down the center of the fairway. "I wonder why Bill didn't let on about his artificial heart," said the first male to the second. Suddenly, the quiet was interrupted by the sounds of moans and groans and rattling scrub. The two players rushed to where the sounds were coming from, and sure enough, there was Bill, screwing his heart out.
----- Recently while on a golf trip in North Carolina I was talking to one of the guys on the trip and he related to me how his wife had really been on his case for playing so much golf. He stated that she had become more and more upset about his ever increasing golf trips. In a moment of shear frustration, she told him, "You know dear our sex life seems to be non- existent and I think it is because you are always playing golf." After giving her comment some serious consideration he calmly replied, "Dear, when you start screwing me as much as my golf clubs our sex life will be okay!"
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life to make this putt?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Q. So what do you call a black guy being chased by 100 white guys? A. The PGA Tour!
The foursome irately approached the club pro after a six hour round and unloaded their anger. "I'm sorry," said the pro, "but I should have warned you that all the guys in that foursome were blind." The first man in the angry group then, apologetically, took out a twenty and offered the blind guys a drink. The second man also dropped a twenty on the table and told them to enjoy lunch. Another twenty from the third man was given for after-dinner drinks. They then confronted the last of their group, and, stating that he had been the most vociferous complainer on the course, asked if he too would drop a few bucks to atone for his actions. "Heck no," he bellowed, "if those guys had any courtesy at all they would have played last night."
A man was teeing off on the first hole. Unfortunately, his drive was a brutal hook and hit a woman at the ladies tee. He rushed over to the unconscious woman only to find that it was his wife. He immediately called for paramedics, who promptly came and took her to the hospital. The man waited for a while, then the doctor appeared to inform him that his wife had passed away. The man was instructed to wait around as they determined the cause of death. Three hours later, the medics came out and told the man that the cause of death was due to a sharp blow to the head, but during the examination of the body, they found a golf ball up her rectum. One of the medics turned to the man and asked, "Do you, sir, know anything about that?" The man replied, "Oh yeah, that was my mulligan!"
The Rules of Bedroom Golf * Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls. * Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. * Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. * For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. * Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. * The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. * It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers. * Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing. *Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. *Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. * Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. * Players are advised to obtain the course owner*s permission before attempting to play the back nine. * Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner*s request. * It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. * The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. * Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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