After two weeks of suspicion, the jealous wife fired her maid. But before leaving, the attractive employee bragged, "Your husband told me that I'm a better golfer than you are." The wife just shrugged. The maid then added, "I'm also better in bed than you are." "My husband told you that?" the startled woman asked. "No," the maid replied, "His caddy did!"
At the Club's annual board meeting, the President was just about to finish when one of the members stopped him. "There is one more item that we must discuss: the exclusion of Mr. Petersen." "Why?" asked the President. "Last week he made love to our new secretary in the bunker on hole 9," the President was informed. "So, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!" he replied. "Yes, but he didn't rake the bunker afterwards!!"
Two friends were driving to the golf course one morning, when one of them decided to get a little philosophical. "You know, I was thinking," he said to his friend. "Golf is a lot like taxes." "Okay," replied his friend, "I'll bite. Why is golf a lot like taxes?" "Simple," said his friend, "You spend your whole life driving your heart out for the green, and, no matter what happens, you always end up in a hole."
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh . .. . you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
A man was golfing on a hot day when he noticed a gorrila sitting in a tree on the 5th tee. He called the clubhouse and reported the problem to the marshall, who called a gorrila removal service. The removal man came and instructed, "Meet me at the 5th tee in one hour." One hour later, they met the removal man, who had a stick, a trained chiuahah, hand cuffs, and a shot gun. He gave the marshall some instructions, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorrila till it falls out, then the trained dog will bite its testacles. The gorrila will naturally cover up his injury and you will then hand cuff him." The marshall, still confused about the man's shotgun, asked what it was for. The removal man replied, "To shoot the dog in case I fall out of the tree first."
Jack came into the clubhouse one Sunday afternoon sporting a big black eye. "What happened to you?" asked one of his friends. "Have you noticed that beautiful young woman who just joined the club?" Jack asked. "Sure," said his friend. "Who hasn't?" "I happened to be standing by the first tee when she came over and took the cover off her clubs." "So?" said his friend. "I told her it looked like she had a really nice set."
A man was sitting in his dentist's chair, when the dentist asked him to scream loudly as if he were in great pain. He asked, "Why? I'm not in any pain." The dentist replied, "There are too many people in the waiting room, and I have a 2 o'clock tee time."
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are at the pool of a hotel that they both are staying at. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!" Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that -- when would you like to play?" "I don't care -- any night next week is ok with me."
Two lawyers, John and Roger, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. John offers Roger a bet. "Let's say we bet $50." Roger agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Rogeris ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to John. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Roger pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces. John looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" John said. "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" Just then, a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
A Texas billionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The billionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him and, as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible, I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine." With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan billionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the billionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend. "No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?" "Evidently, very well," said the first lady. "He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"
Two Lesbians Playing Golf Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
RH The Ladies were in the clubhouse having drinks and discussing their rounds when one of them notices a golfer nearby who had stepped behind a tree to relieve himself. Unfortunately his attempt at modesty was inadequate to the point that while he was hidden, his organ was fully visible to the clubhouse ladies. The first lady snapped to her partners, "Look at that disgusting behavior. Can you imagine,.... I'm just glad I can see that it's not my husband!" The second Lady turns and squints out the window at the exposed organ, and verifies, "Well thank goodness its not my husband!" The third Lady gets up and walks over to the window taking a long thoughtful look at the still hidden golfer. She returns to the table and triumphantly declares, "Husband, shmusband, ...that isn't even a Club Member!"
LG Golf Carts Do Not Have Four-Wheel Drive The revelation that golf carts do not have four-wheel drive came to me one morning as I tried to find my ball in the mud, which I found out later was actually not part of the golf course at all but rather the site of a pending condo project, half a block away. I must have missed the out-of-bounds marker when I was crossing the freeway. It was just one more lesson in the complex world of golf. I remember the first time I played. My twosome was paired up with another twosome. After my tee-off on the first hole went somewhat awry, landing on the clubhouse roof, one of the other players asked if I had a handicap. I thought his joke in poor taste and threatened him with my 9-iorn. Now, of course, I realize that having a handicap is a good thing, even if it is 52. Learning the rules and language of golf is crucial. It separates the obvious beginning from someone just having another bad day. Therefore, I have from experience compiled a few lessons that may help other novices. If the instructor tells you to address the ball, do not take out a pen and write "to green" on the ball. Try not to stand on asphalt in the summer while wearing golf shoes, unless you are with a very strong friend. The easiest way to find a lost golf ball is to ask the guy limping in the next fairway. Never insist that your spouse play golf. It can lead to only two results. One, she/he plays really badly, complains for four hours and ruins your whole day. Or, he/she plays really well, offers four hours of suggestions on how you might do better and ruins your whole day. A double bogey is not a strong drink from the movie Casablanca. It means two over par. And not a bad score at all. If they have a name for it it's a good score. There is no name for a fifteen. A chip is not something left behind by a foraging cow. That's a flap. A chip is a carefully choreographed half-swing that often goes further than your original drive. A divot is a lump of grass that flies up from where the golf ball used to be. A damnit is a lump of grass that flies up in your face as you hit two feet behind the ball. A slice is a ball that curves to the right. A bad slice is a ball that lands behind you. A tough lie has double meanings. It's when you have to come up with an excuse - for the umpteenth time - as to why it took six hours to play nine holes and why your breath smells like nacho chips and beer. It also refers to a difficult spot to have to hit your ball from. For instance, the base of a tree, the crook of a tree or the upper branches of a tree. Heavy rough is the area along the edge of the fairway just before your ball is legally out of bounds. A good rule of thumb - if the guy beside you is barbecuing, you're probably out of bounds. And finally, Club Rules imply that you are not penalized by foreign objects on the fairway. Therefore, if you knock out a tourist with your drive, you are allowed to move your ball one club's length from the body. Now that you understand some of the basics, you should be able to better appreciate the game. And, you can focus on some of the more intriguing idiosyncrasies of golf, like if it's completely made out of metal, why do they call it a 3-wood?
After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?" "My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "The majority of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "38,334 dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small bag of tees, then a medium bag of tees and finally a really large bag of tees. Then I sold him a small box of golf balls, a medium box of golf balls and a huge box of golf balls. I asked him where he was going to golf and he said he was going down to the Country Club. I said he would probably need a golf cart, so I took him down to the cart department and sold him that new 300-amp electric golf cart with the nubby wheels. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new pick-up to haul it in." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a bag of tees?" "No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go golfing."
A foursome consisting of 3 young guys and an old man were getting ready to putt out on the green. The devil decided he wanted to get into some mischief, so he appeared suddenly on the green, halfway between the players and the flagstick. The 3 younger guys screamed in a panic, and then ran off. The old man stayed over his putt, lining it up. The devil was confused at the old man's courage. "Don't you know who I am?" said the devil. "Sure do," said the old man. "Aren't you afraid?" "Nope." "Why not?" asked the devil, still confused. "Because I've been married to your sister for over 45 years now!"
Send to Scott