A group of golfers and a group of tennis players sat in the same train car on the way to a sports convention. Each of the tennis players had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of golfers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The tennis players started laughing and snickering. One of the golfers said, "Here comes the conductor," and they all went into the bathroom. The tennis players were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, and said, "Tickets please!" collecting tickets from all of the tennis players. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please." The golfers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the golfers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The tennis players were impressed. On the way back from the convention, the group of tennis players had one ticket for the group. However, the golfers didn't buy any tickets. The tennis players were once again confused. One of the golfers said, "Conductor coming!" and, once again, they all went into one bathroom. All of the tennis players scrambled into another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the golfers left his bathroom, knocked on the tennis players' bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?" "What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously. "It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon. "Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf." "What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon. "I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game! On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!" "No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I have to give up this time?" "You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon. "Okay!" said the man. He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one. And that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!
A man and his wife finished playing a round of golf, and were sitting in the bar, having a few drinks. After the drinks, they got in their car and were driving home, when a cop stopped the couple and began writing the husband a ticket for not wearing his seat belt. The man became quite upset and denied the accusation. He then told the officer, "My wife is a witness, ask her whether I was wearing my seat belt." The officer asked the wife, and she replied, "I never argue with my husband after he has been drinking."
Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
Bee Sting - The old pro was bored early on and had already been into the cooler in the pro shop, when suddenly a young lady ran in screaming, "I was stung by a bee!" "Where," the bleary-eyed pro asked? "Between the first and second holes," replied the frantic young blonde. To which the tipsy pro replied,"I told you yesterday that your stance was too wide."
A beautiful blonde and a young man are paired up at a golfcourse. At first tee, the blonde looks at the young man and tries to start a conversation saying, "T. G. I. F." The young man replies, "S. H. I. T." The blonde replies a little louder, "T. G. I. F." The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T." The blonde replies a even louder, "T. G. I. F." The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T." The blonde replies, "Thank God It's Friday." The young man replies, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday."
A blonde walks into a pro shop, points to a golf club and asks the clerk the price. The clerk looked to where she was pointing and stated that the owner told him not to sell golf equipment to blondes because they always seem to return the items. The blonde left the shop, very mad, and walked down the street to a wig shop, where she bought a brunette wig. She returned to the pro shop and, pointing to the same golf club, asked the clerk the price. The clerk replied, Sorry lady, the owner does not sell golf equipment to blondes because of the high return rate. How did you know that I am a blonde, she asked. The clerk replied, That's a golf umbrella, not a golf club.
1. The sport of choice for entry level workers is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
Don?t you have a dollar Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..." The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff." The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper." Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?" "Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
"To me, golf is something you do with your hands while you talk. Unless you smoke - then you never have to leave the clubhouse." -- Erma Bombeck
Bill had just completed the best round of his life. He decided to stop by his parents' house to tell them of his accomplishment. As he got out of the car and walked around to the back porch, he noticed that his father was sitting in his rocking chair, naked from the waist down. Bill asked, "Dad, what is going on?" There was no reply. His father just sat there rocking back and forth. Bill asked again, "Dad, you are sitting out here with nothing but a shirt on. Why are you doing this?" His father turned to him and said, "Last week I sat out here without a shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your mother's idea."
A foursome of golfers had the same tee time every Sunday morning and always played together. One Sunday they were skeptical about playing because there was a 100% chance of rain. Walt told the others not to worry because his lucky umbrella would save them from being rained out. To the amazement of the rest of the group, they played the entire round, and escaped any and all rainfall. They continued playing several times in threatening weather, but always escaped rain because of the lucky umbrella. One Sunday after they reached the point farthest from the clubhouse, the heavens opened up; it rained harder than anyone had ever seen. Jim said to Walt with the lucky umbrella, "So much for your lucky umbrella!" To which Walt replied, "Yes I know, but just think how hard it would be raining if I didn't have it!"
Mr. Nicklaus, "Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" Jack's response? "The holes are numbered!"
Two men were out golfing when one man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have Golf Elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks. That evening, as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead; get a filter. Your dog has worms; give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs; get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant, it's not your baby; get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your golf elbow will never get better.
A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The husband says to the wife, as she gets ready to tee off on the 3rd hole, "Your rear end is as wide as the golf cart." She ignores the remark. A little later on the green, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the golf cart, then goes over to his wife while she is bending over getting ready to putt. He measures her rear-end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the golf cart." Again, she ignores him. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna start up the golf cart to drive one little wiener around, you are sadly mistaken."
Send to Scott