Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A wealthy American tourist checks into an Irish hotel. Upon his arrival the tiny reception area becomes filled with not only suitcases, but golf clubs, golf shoes, golf umbrellas and several boxes of golf balls. "Surely now, sir," cried the manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake. We've no golf course you see and you'll be finding there's not one within miles of the place." "Well now, that's no problem," replied the tourist. "I'm having one sent over with my heavy baggage."
Why is it that single golfers are skinnier than married golfers? Because after the single golfer plays his round of golf, he has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. When he finds nothing decent there, he goes to bed. The married golfer on the other hand, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole after a round of golf, goes home and goes to bed. When he finds nothing decent there, he goes to the refrigerator.
Two couples were golfing one afternoon, as they walked down the fourth fairway Jim helped Frank's wife look for her ball in the woods. All of a sudden out of no where a ball struck the woman in the head and knocked her out cold. A few minutes later, Frank found the two having sex in the woods, and asked Jim what was going on. Jim replied that she had been struck by the ball and blacked out and stopped breathing. Frank responded, "well that doesn't mean you have sex with her. You should've given her mouth to mouth!" To which Jim said, "how do you think this all started?"
An amateur was talking to his golf pro. Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?'' Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?'' Amateur: "About 130.'' Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back ?!"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at,"he replied. "I'm a toilet papersalesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
A guy is waiting on the first tee for the rest of his group to arrive when he spots Bill Gates warming up off to the side. Thinking this is his lucky day, he walks over and introduces himself; "Mr.Gates my name is Jimmy and I'm entertaining clients on the course today, do you think you could just say hello to me when they arrive? I'd really appreciate it." Gates says "Sure, no problem!" A few minutes later Jimmy's group is together and Bill walks over and says "Hey Jimmy! How's it goin?" to which Jimmy says "GET LOST GATES!! Can't you see I'm busy??"
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
One day, a doctor and brunette are out playing golf. The brunette says to the doctor, "I can't play golf anymore because when I poke myself it hurts all over." The doctor said, "That's impossible?" "No it's not, watch." Said the brunette as she began to poke herself. She poked her elbow and screamed, then she poked her knee and screamed and so on and so on. So the doctor said, "First of all, you are not a brunette you are a blonde and second of all, your body does not hurt you broke your finger."
A husband and wife had just finished a rather lousy 18 holes of golf. They were both angry and refusing to speak to each other on their drive home. The husband had decided to take a short cut through the country where they saw a barn full of pigs and cows. Upon noticing the animals, the wife turns to her husband and says, "see any relatives?" To which he replies, "yes, in-laws."
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know."
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "Are you my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "Are you good at finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
Jon and Miguel were out playing golf one day, when suddenly Jon grabs chest and says, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" Miguel replies, "It had better be a heart attack because if it's a stroke I'm marking it down!"
One day after a hard round of golf Bill decides to go to a bar. While he is having a drink a man comes in the bar carrying a large bag and sits down next to him. While he is asking the bartender for a drink music starts to play from the bag. Bill is curious and asks the man where that music comes from. The man willingly pulls out a magic lamp and a little man playing a piano. Bill is amazed! And he asks if the genie would grant him a wish as well. The man told him to go for it, but to be careful what he wished for. Bill rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and told the man that he would grant him one wish. The man answers, "I would like a million bucks." The genie asks if he's sure, and Bill answers again, "I want a million bucks." One by one, a million ducks appear in the bar. Bill was so angry that he starts yelling at the man with the lamp. "I asked for a million bucks what the heck are all these damn ducks doing in here?!" The man simply responded, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianest."
An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course by the ocean when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice." The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice." Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "cause the tide's out!"
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