My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?" "Certainly not, dear" she replied. "Well, neither would he."
A better set A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."
This golfer went to the Pro at his local course and said he needed help with his golf game. "What is the problem?" Asked the pro. "Well my practice swing is perfect every time, but the moment I put a ball on the tee and try to hit it, I go to pieces and just can't make the same smooth swing." He replied. "Okay," said the Pro. "Come out tomorrow and play 18 holes with out using a ball." "Play without a ball?" He asked. "Yes!" said the Pro. So out he went without a ball, and then came back to the golf shop and said, "I broke 90 for the first time." "Great!" Said the Pro. "Now come out again tomorrow and do the same thing." The golfer scratches his head but thinks, why not? When he got on the tee the next day there was a fellow waiting for a game. "Mind if I join you?" Said the golfer. "No" said the other golfer, "but I have to tell you I am not using a ball." The other golfer scratches his head and says, "okay I won't use one either. We should play for a dollar a hole." Standing on the 18th tee they realize that they are all square. "We should play for $100 on the last hole." One of the golfers says. They both agree and eventually they are both on the green. The new golfer gets up and putts, then shouts, "YES! I got a birdie, I win." "Sorry" says the other golfer, "you played the wrong ball! You Loose!"
Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether....!"
Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hell was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cool serene lake, well kept fairways, immaculate greens and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop. The man's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice: HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE. "Well, this is going to be tough to take," he said as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs. So later he went to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty. He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red. "Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"
Golfing Buddies Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know."
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!'"
JVV It was a sunny Saturday morning and Scott was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker-- "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!" Scott was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Then again the announcement-- "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!" Scott had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Paddy and Patrick were very keen Irish golfers, so keen that they decided to go over to America for a game of golf. On the plane they got very excited. However, the captain calls up on the loud speaker and says that one of the engines had cut-off, there was nothing to worry about and the arrival in America would be delayed by 1 hour. Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the pre-match dinner." Then the captain called up again 10 minutes later and says another engine had gone, but that it was ok and they would be 2 hours late. Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the first three holes." Again the captain called up telling everyone that the third engine had gone, but that the plane could still make it on one engine, although it would be 3 hours before they reached the airport. Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the front nine." Then the captain called again and said the final engine had gone. Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, now we'll be stuck up here all night!"
Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz." Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, after enough pressure, they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanded action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
TR A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. The first hit it way to the right. The pro said It's due to "LOFT". The second hit way to the left. The pro again said is due to "LOFT". The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. The pro said, "LOFT." All three questioned the pro about LOFT. He replied, "Lack Of F***ing Talent...."
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when a fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before. Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is "Oh Shit."
These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety near the water. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green. About six months later, a woman at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen her playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!
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