BC THE REAL RULES OF GOLF 1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. 3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. 5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all. 6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. 8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. 9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. 11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors. 12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. 13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. 14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck. 16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10. 17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. 18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. 19. It's not a gimme if you're still away. 20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. 21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. 22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. 23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. 25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph. 26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. 27. Hazards attract; fairways repel. 28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. 29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. 30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. 31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. 32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Bob and Paul were teeing off on the long par 5 seventh hole. Bob decided he was going to reach the green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and boucing into the fairway about 150 yards out. Paul said: "Nice condom shot." Bob said: "What's a condom shot." Paul said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."
Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "Yew haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Then Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
CN Proposed Rule Change: A revision to the rules of golf is being sought which, will replace the traditional call of "fore." Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "Gore" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach Fla. and the first hole only took 7 days to complete!
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." " I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "You won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
One lovely morning, Tim and Brian were out golfing. Brian slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Brian excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Tim, come here, I got big trouble down here." Tim comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Brian?" Brian shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
JVV THOUGHTS ON GOLF * In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. * Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. * Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. * Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. * The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. * There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. * Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. * An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. * Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
President Clinton showed up at his favorite country club for his weekly round of golf with Al Gore, James Carvel, and Lanny Davis, the President's most articulate "spin doctors" and was immediately surrounded by 6 prospective caddies. The President, happy for the attention and recognizing that they were future voters, reminded the caddies that only one of them could caddy for the foursome. One of the caddies stepped forward and remarked, "We know, Mr. President, that only one of us can caddy for your group, so we set up a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie will have the honor of being the caddy." The President quickly replied, "You young men shouldn't be having a contest telling lies", he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute speech that began with, "Don't you know it's a sin to lie", and ending with, "Why, when I was a young man your ages, I NEVER told a lie." There was a dead silence for a brief moment. Just as the President was beginning to think that he'd gotten through to the caddies, the youngest caddy took a deep breath and, looking directly at the President, said, "OK Mr. President, you can caddy."
Send to Scott