Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Samuel Littleman. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.
Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."
JVV Read the following six statements and the conclusion they lead to: 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL 2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING 3. The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL 4. The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL 5. The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS 6. The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF CONCLUSION: the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
TT Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was. "Three." he replied. "Oh come on !" said another member of the group. "I heard six." "Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in. "Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer. "Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!
A guy visiting a fairly rough (down market) golf course for the first time was getting ready to tee off on the first hole. "Keep your head down," he heard a voice shout to him. Not wanting to get into any bother with the local thugs, he kept his head down. "I said keep your head down!" So he lowered his head further, and continued to address the ball. "No, I said keep your head right down dammit!" The golfer now had his head so low his chin was touching his chest. He played the ball and it dribbled about 30 yards down the fairway. In a rage, he turned around to find out who the idiot was that gave him the advice, only to find that his clubs had been stolen.
Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf." Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!" Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?" Boy: "Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"
Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
An out-of-towner in Myrtle Beach, N.C at the height of the tourist season, decided to revisit a golf course that he had enjoyed on a previous trip to the city years before. Finally catching the eye of the overworked assistant pro, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried Asst. Pro, "I can only serve one golfer at a time."
A man and his wife were out playing a round and through 13 he was even par. The 14th was a treacherous dogleg to the left. He hooked his tee shot and it wound up behind a barn with no clear shot to the green. Disappointed and knowing this was going to cost him a potential par, he addressed the ball. Before he could hit, his wife yelled to him, "Honey, if you open up the front door to the barn and I open up this back door, I think you have a shot." To his delight, he sure enough did. He readdressed his ball and hit his 2 iron on the screws. Just as the ball was about to clear the barn, it clipped the corner of the door and hit his wife in the head, killing her... Less than a week later, he was back out on the same course shooting another great round going into 13. He hooked his drive again on 14 and wound up in the same place as he had the previous week. His buddy, assessing the situation, yelled to him "If you open up the front door of the barn and I open up this back door, I think you have a shot." "No way", the gent replied, "I did that last week and it cost me a 7."
Henry won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope. When he openend it and was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before and decided to go the next day eventhough he was nervous. The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room. Five minutes later she came running to the Madam and asked, "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"
Bob and Paul were teeing off on the long par 5 seventh hole. Bob decided he was going to reach the green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and boucing into the fairway about 150 yards out. Paul said: "Nice condom shot." Bob said: "What's a condom shot." Paul said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."
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