Be kind to your kids.  They will choose the nursing home ...

3 Kind of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't ...

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Flying saucer: happens when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone ...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astounded!

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggy" ... until you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Its not hard to meet expenses: there everywhere.

Help wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

Sign on ESP Research Dept. Door: "Don't knock, we know you're there."

Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: a way to go broke methodically.

Car Service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it ...

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.

Dain Bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS.   Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE missing - Insert cup and press any Any Key.

Where is the "Any" key, anyway?

Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster?

2+2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached.  Press F1 to continue.

Press any key ... no, no, no NOT THAT ONE !

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.