---------------+-------------------------------------------------
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. -- Einstein
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest thing: The decayed and
degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing
worth a war is worse. A man who has nothing for which he is
willing to fight, nothing he cares about more than his personal
safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free,
unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than
himself." -- John Stuart Mill
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
``Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.'' -- Mark Twain
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
Tighten it until it strips, then back off a quarter turn...
- on the wall at a racing mechanics shop...
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
The thinking that we are has brought us to where we have already been.
In order to go somewhere else, we must think in a different way.
-- Albert Einstein
---------------+------------------------------------------------
What's the most popular order at the Zen hotdog stand?
"Make me One With Everything!"
---------------+------------------------------------------------
He who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to
total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it."
-Churchill
---------------+------------------------------------------------
My Mom always told me that sex was a dirty, ugly, horrible thing that
I was only to do with someone I loved.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under socialism, it's just the opposite.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Lady Astor and Churchill:
LA: If you were my husband, I would feed you poison.
WC: If you were my wife, madam, I would take it!
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Sir Winston and Lady Astor:
LA: Winston your quite drunk!
WC: Madame your quite ugly. In the morning I will be sober where
as you will still be ugly!
---------------+------------------------------------------------
>From the movie "Patton":
"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making
the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Woody Allen :
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ..."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's
one of the best." Woody Allen
---------------+------------------------------------------------
You won't learn much about capitalism at a university. How could you?
Capitalism is a matter of risks and rewards, and a tenured professor doesn't
have much to do with either. -- Pournelle.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
***********
"Yes, it is true," he was saying, "that sometimes unusually intelligent
and sensitive children can appear to be stupid. But, Mrs. Benson,
stupid children can sometimes appear to be stupid as well. I think
that's something you might have to consider."
Ralph Standish - Chief Consultant Psychologist
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I want you to get that man out of bed right away. Get him back
to the front. I won't have these men who are really wounded
see that man babied so."
- George S. Patton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
An officer in the US Civil War was inspecting his troops
while enemy snipers were active. When warned to be careful, he said:
"Are you kidding? They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
and collapsed, shot through the head.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A pilot friend of mine mentioned that when the "black box" is recovered
from an airplane crash site, the last words on it are usually something
like "OHHHHHH SHIIIIIITTTT!!!!". But in one instance, the captain is
clearly heard to say:
"Point your toes; we're going in deep!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather,
who said "A truck!"..."
- Emo Philips
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"What do you do if you step on a mine, Captain?"
"Well, the usual procedure is to leap 200 feet in the air and spread
yourself over a wide area..."
- Captain Blackadder, _Blackadder Goes Forth_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
90% of Science Fiction is crap. On the other hand, 90% of _everything_
is crap.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals."
--written in a bathroom
"Yeah, it makes them soggy and hard to light."
--scrawled beneath
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"We are all worms, but I believe I am a glowworm."
- Winston Churchill
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other
people to live as one wishes to live."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Art should never try to be popular. The public should try to make
itself artistic."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Glimpses do ye seem to see of that mortally intolerable
truth; that all deep, earnest thinking is but the intrepid
effort of the soul to keep the open independence of her
sea; while the wildest winds of heaven and earth conspire
to cast her on the treacherous, slavish shore?
--Herman Melville, Moby Dick
---------------+---------------------------------------------
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of
people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move.
-- D. Adams
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"No library is complete that contains the works of Jane Austen."
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The United States has much to offer the third world war."
Ronald Reagan, in a 1975 speech.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for them Mexicans"
-- Some politician in Texas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The problem with learning from experience is that you get the test
before the lesson."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
1) Reach between legs
2) Grasp firmly
3) Pull
Ejection Seat Instructions
From the cockpit of a wwii US fighter...
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Help," he said, "is giving part of yourself to somebody who
comes to accept it willingly and needs it badly.
-- Norman Maclean
_A River Runs Through It_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You can love completely without complete understanding."
-- Norman Maclean
_A River Runs Through It_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"One of life's quiet excitements is to stand somewhat apart
from yourself and watch yourself softly becoming the author of
something beautiful, even if it is only falling ash."
-- Norman Maclean
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You look like someone who owes me money.
--- Tony Ianuzzi
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the
death your right to say it."
- Voltaire
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Nietsche is Pietsche."
--Ogden Nash
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
-Bill Clinton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The progress toward totalitarianism arose, and keeps arising, because
of society's refusal to be shit." ---Kathy Acker
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Women, can't live with them ... pass the beer nuts."
- Norm on "Cheers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For the last time, I'm not male! I'm HUMAN!"
- Curt Siffert
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.
- Howard Kandel
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much, heavier.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
- Ambrose Bierce
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
- Eric Hoffer
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I don't know about all this sex on television,
I keep falling off.
-Monty Python
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The fight is what's important. Doing
what is good and right is why we're here.
The end is variable and relative. A person
can only do what his heart tells him and
break away from the terrible things
around him. We do what we can ... and live
with the consequences.
-Marc Zanoni
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does
a man need to be happy?
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There is a fundamental conviction which some people never acquire, some hold
only in their youth, and a few hold to the end of their days-- the conviction
that IDEAS MATTER. In one's youth that conviction is experienced as a
self-evident absolute, and one is unable fully to believe that there are people
who do not share it. That ideas matter means that knowledge matters, that
truth matters, that one's mind matters. And the radiance of that certainty,
in the process of growing up, is the best aspect of youth."
- Ayn Rand
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a
bottle. They're on TV."
- Homer Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa. Nothing personal, I just fear the
unfamiliar."
- Marge Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ya' know, Mo, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said 'Homer, your a big disappointment' and God bless her soul,
she was really onto something."
- Homer Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I guess you say that about most things in life; it isn't so bad as
long as you can keep the fear from your mind"
- Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination"
- Oscar Wilde (I believe)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"He who laughs last donesn't get the joke"
- M. Keast
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"That's the problem with tradition, it's always dated."
- Curt George Siffert
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases"
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Or, as a Southern friend of mine says, "If at first you don't secede,
try, try again."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
There's a comedian over here in Britain called Jack Dee who came
out with a great string of famous last words. He came up with
the idea of a Black Box Recorder for cars, so that you could
find out the last thing that was said in the car before crashing!
"'Reduce Speed Now'. Hmmmmm, I think I know when to apply MY
brakes ...."
"Mum, Dad, I want to be a woman!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Asked in rec.sport.volleyball
Subject: FAQ
Ok, I've seen this a bunch of times. What the heck is an FAQ???
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If worms were dogs the ground would bark.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
High tech is potent, precise, and in the end, unbeatable. The truth is,
it reminds a lot of people of the way I pitch horseshoes. Would you
believe some of the people? Would you believe our dog? Look, I want to
give the high-five symbol to high tech.
- George Bush, April 25, 1989
---------------+---------------------------------------------
". . . Nirvana or lasting enlightenment or true spiritual
growth can be acheived only through persistent
excercise of real love"
- M. Scott Peck, M.D.
_The Road Less Travelled_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I wouldn't mind dying--
it's that business of having to stay dead that scares me
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living
that wears you out.
- Chekhov
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A quote in Newsweek attributed to Alexander Haig on Cuba:
Just give me your word, Mr. President, and I'll make the island
into a fucking parking lot.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song,
read a good poem, see a fine picture and, if possible,
speak a few reasonable words."
--Goethe
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man
is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice."
--Clint Eastwood
---------------+---------------------------------------------
" The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and
which to burn."
- David Russell
---------------+---------------------------------------------
" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"To the atheist, death is the end; to the believer, the beginning; to
the agnostic, the sound of silence."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become
immortal through not dying."
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
when you're really thinking about a mother."
-- Cliff Claven - Cheers
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he
entitled to happiness?
-- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, _Unkempt Thoughts_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Our love is God. Lets go grab a slushie" --J.D. "Heathers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Veronica: "Lots of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way."
JD: "Yeah, but this is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you
might as well be wearing a skirt."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Heather Chandler's dying words: "Corn nuts!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Pauline Fleming: "Deciding whether or not to kill yourself is one the most
important decisions a teenager can make." - "Heathers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
The only truly indigenous American inventions are Thanksgiving turkey
and fingerfucking.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Eloquence is logic on fire.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much
better"
- L. Anderson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Give, expecting nothing thereof"
- St. Thomas Aquinas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"On the day of victory no one is tired."
- Arab proverb
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
- Hannah Arendt.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an
exact man"
- Francais Bacon
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For three hundred years flutists tried to play in tune. Then they
gave up and invented vibrato."
- George Barrere
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedence, loyalty, and the
importance of turning around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- John Benfield
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
- John Bernal
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves"
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want.
It's money."
- Bizarro
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded
perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?"
- Black Adder II
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's Catholic directive, intended
to slow down their loss of martyrs."
- Ellen Blackstone
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Most human problems can be solved by an appropriate charge of high
explosive."
- Blaster, "Uncommon Valor"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
- Derek Blok
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier."
- Blore's Razor
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce
more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire
history."
- Ray Bradbury
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power"
- Ashleigh Brilliant
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school."
- Mathew Broderick in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool."
- Bellamy Brooks
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because
he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he
was a lawyer."
- A. Whitney Brown
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your
intelligence."
- William F. Buckley, Jr.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I would sooner live in a society governed by the first two thousand
names in the Boston telephone directory than in a society governed by
the two thousand faculty members of Harvard University."
- William F. Buckley, Jr.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why
the poor have no food, they call me a communist."
- Dom Helder Camara
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do."
- Dale Carnegie
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Liberals are an easy target. They're so soft and furry, and they make
lovely pleading noises when trod on."
- Patrick Carroll
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse."
- Miguel de Cervantes
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid."
- G. K. Chesterton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them."
- William Clayton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You wanna know how to nail Capone? This is how you nail Capone: he
pulls a knife you pull a gun, he puts on of yours in the hospital, you
send one of his to the morgue. THAT'S how you nail Capone."
- Sean Connery in "The Untouchables"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."
- Quentin Crisp
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"
- Bill Davidsen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white man came, and Indian said simply Ours."
- Vine Deloria, Jr.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are
broken."
- Benjamin Disraeli
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them."
- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as
part of the problem."
- Ducharm's Axiom
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I guess we all know who's the real wizard under the sheets."
- David Duke, referring to Bill Clinton and Gennifer
Flowers
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"This is a picture of the British High Command at the beginning of
World War I. These aren't evil men -- some of them aren't even
stupid."
- G. Dyer, in _WAR_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing
is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would
indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear and
punshiment and hope of reward after death."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until ordered to do so."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Why do men go to war? Because women are watching."
- T. S. Eliot
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I never met a kid I liked."
- W.C. Fields
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
- W. C. Fields
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Four people attack you with screwdrivers, you have a gun, they're
supposed to die. That's not racism. That's Darwin."
- Chip Flatow
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread."
- Anatole France
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -; I took the one less traveled
by; And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
- John Kenneth Galbraith
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly' [...] Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
- Bill Gates, Microsoft CEO
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth."
- Arthur J. Goldberg
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The most important thing in an argument, next to being right, is to
leave an escape hatch for your opponent, so that he can gracefully
swing over to your side without too much apparent loss of face."
- Sydney J. Harris
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec."
- J. Hart
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves
infested with losers and nut cases."
- Patrick Nielsen Hayden
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and
he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale
of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism."
- Bernard J. Hibbits
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe,
with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
- John Andrew Holmes
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are
consequences."
- Robert G. Ingersoll
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or
no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."
- Thomas Jefferson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the
world, and do not find in our particular superstition [Christianity]
one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and
mythology."
- Thomas Jefferson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before
you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him
shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and
daughters."
- Genghis Kahn, 1226
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the
urge to throw a snowball."
- Doug Larson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry.'"
- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success."
- Christopher Lasch
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too."
- Lichty & Wagner
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way
the social and political equality of the white and black races--I am
not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of
Negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with
white people."
- Abraham Lincoln, First Lincoln-Douglas Debate, August
21, 1858
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt."
- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking"
- H. L. Mencken
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."
- John Stuart Mill
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you
could know how seldom they do."
- Olin Miller
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Listen, strange women, lyin' in ponds, distributin' swords, is no
basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
itself from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
ceremony."
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority."
- Richard M. Nixon
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO: `I dunno. What do you wanna do?'"
- Sharon O'Neil
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the
sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their
country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of our
men and women. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have
this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more
glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly:
it is dearness only that gives every thing its value."
- Thomas Paine
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Practically everyone but myself is a pusillanimous son of a bitch."
- George S. Patton, Letter to Col. Codman, 1945.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes
and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum
tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they
foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."
- Porterfield
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A university professor set an examination question in which he asked
what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had
to give an A+ to a student who answered; I don't know and I don't care"
- Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional."
- Professor Brian Quinn
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Conservatives define compassion not by the number of people who recieve
some kind of government aid but rather by the number of people who no
longer need it."
Jack Kemp
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I don't feel in the least bit humble before the vastness of the heavens.
The stars may be large, but they can not think or love; and these are the
qualities which impress me far more than size does."
- FP Ramsey
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Guns don't kill people; people kill people."
Now apply to smoking:
"Cigarettes don't cause lung cancer; lungs do."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of
themselves." -- Dorothy Parker
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
My father is credit manager at a funeral home. His bosses have a card that
they hand out. It says "Thank You for Smoking
-- Your local undertaker."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Sam: What's up, Norm?
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
- Norman Douglas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teen-ager wondering about each other.
- Laurence J. Peter
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Milwaukee Journal, about two years ago (on the front page):
"MATH TEST RESULTS ADD UP TO A FAILURE - Only 14% of eighth grade students
show average proficiency
Washington DC - AP - Just one in seven eighth grade students nationawide
can exhibit average proficiency in mathematics, according to a federal . . .
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"
- Homer Simpson, trying to be a father to Lisa.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Things are only impossible until they're not."
-- Jean-Luc Picard. I forget which episode.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made
bullshit white.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back
you've really got something.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
M. D. to patient: First the good news--you're going to have a disease named
after you.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There's a Fine Line Between Fishing and just Standing
on the Shore like an Idiot..."
-Stephen Wright
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"My parents went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Hell, if you understand everything I said, you'd be me!"
-Miles Davis
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that
encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
-- Televangelist Pat Robertson,
speaking at the Republican convention,
on the proposed equal-rights amendment:
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human
being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For the rest of your life you must run,
Your day in the sun is done,
You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!
"Big government was your creed;
But now you're the last of a dying breed.
So, run liberal run,
Run run run run run run,
Run run run RUN,
Run run run run;
Run run..."
--Saturday Night Live
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A liberal mind is a mind that is able to imagine itself believing anything.
--Max Eastman (1883-?)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a
liberal.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Reality is always more conservative than ideology.
--Raymond Aron
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You never forget how to fuck. Unless you're really, _really_ stupid."
-Frank Zappa
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Where imagination is sucked out of children by a cathode ray nipple
T.V. is the only wet nurse that would create a cripple
On television, the drug of a nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation."
-Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If a women seeks education it is probably because her sexual apparatus
is malfunctioning.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
There once was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get his limericks to rhyme
When asked "Why not?"
It was said that he thought
They were probably too long and badly structured and not at all very funny.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid"
Heinrich Heine
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The modern definition of 'racist' is 'someone who is winning an argument
with a liberal'"
-- Peter Brimelow, National Review (2/1/93)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Keep your values off my family.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's not by amusing oneself that one learns."
-- Anatole France
"It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn."
-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
---------------+---------------------------------------------
He is one of those peple who would be enormously improved by death
H.H. Munro
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Country and Rap are to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
Bart Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Mae West
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Bern Williams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long
and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones
which open for us.
Alexander Graham Bell
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and
ecstasy for me.
Kugell
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money.
IRS auditor
---------------+--------------------------------------------
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides.
John H. Patterson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the
personality to be accountants.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people
will be surprised to learn they're not it.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
Benjamin Disraeli
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
Construction Digest
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
Confucius
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
---------------+--------------------------------------------
May you live all the days of your life.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since
they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked `petite'
and hold on to the receipt.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
Samuel Johnson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
Bill Stern
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I could prove God statistically.
George Gallup
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the
study of carbon compounds that crawl.
Mike Adams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
Miles Davis
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Rudyard Kipling said:
"A woman is a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion.
I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of
Christian dogma."
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on
the Christian religion."
George Washington (1732-1799)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"This sentence no verb."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"This sentence is false."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Everybody's got plans...until they get hit".
- Mike Tyson, heavyweight champ on "plans"
released by Tyrell Biggs' camp on how they
would defeat the champ.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
In case you don't know yet, Mississippi's governor, Kirk Fordice, has
a habit of making colorful, unpolitic remarks that get him in trouble
with the press and some factions and groups. Today's contribution is:
"If you were a gay illegal-alien looking for an abortion, it was a
humdinger of a week." Kirk Fordice 1/29/93
---------------+--------------------------------------------
First learn your horn and all the theory.
Next develop a style. Then forget all that and just play.
- Charlie "Bird" Parker
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Jack: "I don't get it..."
Lo Pan (interrupting): "Shut up, Mr. Burton. You are not put upon this
world to 'get it.'"
- Big Trouble In Little China
---------------+--------------------------------------------
My favorite wedding toast from a best man included:
"... and may your children have rich parents."
---------------+-------------------------------------------
There are two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
allworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkand
noplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakes
jackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadull
boyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplay -- the shining
---------------+--------------------------------------------
It is the early worm that gets eaten by the bird.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your
cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to
romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between
mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters."
- Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Miscellaneous method of Civil Disobedience:
Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until
one's demands are met."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it."
-- Sir Thomas Beecham
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Facts are stupid things."
-- Ronald Reagan
---------------+--------------------------------------------
In NOTORIOUS, Claude Reins' Nazi Mom says to him:
"You have been saved by the enormity of your stupidity"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter
what we are doing? What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you?
If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get
to work on that. -Epicetus
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The words "I am..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to.
The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.
-A. K. Kitselman
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can
never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of
them all. How much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?
-C. S. Lewis
---------------+--------------------------------------------
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then
one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to
love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To
be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from
too much happiness. -Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"A zebra cannot change its spots." -- Al Gore
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced;
the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled.
Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't
want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living
on public assistance." - Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Then Nicholl, using his own calculations, demonstrated that it was absolutely
impossible to give any object at all the velocity of 12,000 yards per
second. And, algebra in hand, he maintained that even if such a velocity
could be attained, such a heavy projectile could never be lifted beyond the
limits of the Earth's atmosphere! It would never reach even an altitude of
twenty miles. And furthermore! Even if such a speed could be attained,
even if it would suffice, the shell could not withstand the pressure of the
gases produced by igniting 1,600,000 pounds of powder. And even if it could
resist the pressure, it could not withstand the temperature, it would melt
as it left the Columbiad, and a red-hot rain would fall on the heads of the
foolish spectators.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle
a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.
- C. G. Jung
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Is there life before death?"
-- Belfast Graffito
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few
pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
-- Douglas Adams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is a 9.8 meters per second squared.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion - i.e. none to speak of.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Get a shot off *fast*. This upsets him long enough to let you
make your second shot perfect.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there
is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will
*know*. So why fret about it?
---------------+--------------------------------------------
A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty
percent of all human wisdom.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Stay away from needle drugs. Richard Nixon is the only
dope worth shooting."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a
crowded fire."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just as we
cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my
knees and give thanks at every opportunity)." -- Dave Barry
---------------+--------------------------------------------
SLAVERY IS FREEDOM...IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH...TAXES IS PATRIOTISM...
CLINTON IS PRESIDENT!!!
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Women. You can't live with them, and sheep can't cook."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"I have two rules about smoking. The first is that I never smoke while
I'm sleeping. The second is that I never smoke more than one cigar at
a time."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most
enligthened when we are the most confused." M. S. Peck
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Bigamy is when you have too many wives.
Monogamy is... the same thing.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I saw this bumper sticker yesterday.
Our child was
INMATE OF THE MONTH
at Santa Clara County Juvinile Detention Facility
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Leadership is getting someone else to do what you want him to do
because he wants to do it."
- Dwight David Eisenhower
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Why yes, a bulletproof vest."
--Convicted murderer James Rodges, when asked if he had
any final requests before facing the firing squad.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The question of whether or not a computer can think is
about as interesting as whether a submarine can swim."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Heard on the local news in Burlington, Vermont:
"On a scale of 1 to 10, that [prison] is very poorly run."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Better keep yourself clean and bright;
you are the window through which you must see the world."
- George Bernard Shaw
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at U.C.L.A., but my goal is
to become a veternarian, 'cause I love children." -- Julie Brown
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The reward of a thing well done is to have done it." --Emerson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Always do what you are afraid to do." -- Emerson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Whose
face is marred by dust, sweat and blood: who knows the enthusiasm, the great
devotion, and spends himself in a worthy cause. Who at best if he wins
knows the thrill of high achievement and if he fails at least fails while
daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls, who know neither victory nor defeat."
-JFK
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated."
-M. C. Reed
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Everybody experiences far more than he understands. Yet it is
experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior."
--Marshall Mcluhan
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the
ability to learn from the experience of others, are also
remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
---------------+--------------------------------------------
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut
up.
-- Phyllis Diller
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Return-Path:
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id AA21508; Wed, 7 Apr 93 04:11:29 -0700
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 07:13:58 EDT
From: [email protected] (Noel Estabrook)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
References:
Status: R
In alt.quotations you write:
>Being somewhat of a collector-at-heart, I'd like to assemble a large number
>of famous (and infamous) quotes of all kinds.
Here's mine. In exchange (even though I may not want to) tell me what
INFJ means.
"All generalizations are dangerous, including this one."
-Alexandre Dumas
If you believe the people who believe in reincarnation,
life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again
I wouldn't be so paranoid, if everyone wasn't out to get me.
"there are three types of people in this world: those who
can count, and those who cannot."
"This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life
you would have been instructed where to go and what to do."
"You should never use the phrase 'you should'."
- Tim Veatch
"What if no one ever asked a hypothetical question?"
- in the .sig for [email protected] (Jeff Wang)
>For every problem there is a solution which is simple, obvious, and wrong"
> --Albert Einstein
"The modern definition of 'racist' is 'someone who is winning an argument
with a liberal'" Peter Brimelow, National Review (2/1/93)
No one ever says 'I am a reincarnated shoe salesman from Jersey', or anything.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
---Lily Tomlin
No, a liberal is someone who insists that the government should
intervene and restrict argument-winning on grounds that violates
people's self-esteem and is clearly prejudicial to peoples whose
cultural and socioeconomic upbringing do not allow them to develop
competitive arguing skills.
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just loose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!
(c)opyright 1986 AIR COURIERS INTERNATIONAL Vancouver, BC
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state
of maximum entropy
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics,
but their future is doubtful
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life."
---Bertolt Brecht
"A liberal is someone who won't take his own side in an argument."
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
"Time is only thing keeping everything from happening at
once."
"Giving money and power to government is like
giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
I was Caesarian born. You can't really tell that, although whenever
I leave a house, I go out through a window.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Still tired from the
move. Day 2: Everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot.
I took the headlights off my car and put strobe lights on. When I drive
at night, it looks like I'm the only one moving.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... it feels real."
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asks me, "Did you
sleep well?" I said, No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... eventually.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
exactly.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres
Programming is an endless race between the software engineer, who seeks to
design increasingly idiot-proof code, and the Universe, which strives to
produce even bigger idiots.
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", what is the opposite of "progress"?
The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.
A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer.
He who laughs last has the slowest sense of humor.
Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the
apples in one seed.
God does not have to put His name on a label in the corner of a meadow
because nobody else makes meadows.
You have to wonder about a society that says God is dead and Elvis Presley
is alive.
Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is a 9.8 meters per second squared.
f u cn rd ths u r usng unx
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
'Psychic Wins Lottery.'
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.
--Brother Theodore
When you find yourself in the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
--Mark Twain
Men do not reject the Bible because it contradicts itself, but because it
contradicts them. E Paul Hovey
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters/second squared.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she
gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a
fur coat.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
May you never leave your marriage alive.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized
one and kept the other as a control.
--
Noel Estabrook - MSU __|__ Men do not reject the Bible because
[email protected] | it contradicts itself, but because it
Instructional Design | contradicts them -- II Timothy 3:16
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 11:08:41 -0500
From: Jemaleddin Cole
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
References:
Status: R
In alt.quotations you write:
>So, if you happen to have a file of such quotes, no matter how big or
>small, I'd like to receive it. Feel free to e-mail it to me, or other
>arrangements are also possible.
>Charter Member --->>> INFJ Club.
I'm brave and I'll trade you my data for whatever INFJ means!
Here's my stuff!
"I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to
refuse a drink after dark."
--H. L. Mencken
"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre but they
are more deadly in the long run."
--Mark Twain
"All the modern inconveniences....."
--Mark Twain
"An experienced, industrious, ambitions and often quite
picturesque liar....."
--Mark Twain
"Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice."
--H. L. Mencken
"Truth is never pure and rarely simple. Modern life would be
tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossiblity."
--Oscar Wilde
"Good men must not obey the laws too well."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."
--James Thurber
"Whoso would be a man must be a non-conformist."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
--From _Familiar Quotations_, Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Shallow men believe in luck."
--James Thurber
"Early to rise and early to bed, makes a male health,
wealthy, and dead."
--James Thurber
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored
by little statesman and philosophers and divines."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous,
or when they are most luxurious. They are conservatives after
dinner."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"All say, 'How hard it is to die' - a strange complaint
to come from the mouths of people who have had to live."
--Mark Twain
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and
nobody wants to read."
--Mark Twain
"Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is
knows how deep a debt of grattitude we owe to Adam, the first
great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world."
--Mark Twain
"I have lived some thirty years on this planet and I
have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest
advice from my seniors."
--Henry David Thoreau
"One of the benefits of a college education is to show
the little boy its little avail."
--James Thurber
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desparation."
--Henry David Thorueau
"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."
--Oscar Wilde
"I can resist everything except temptation."
--Oscar Wilde
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People
are either charming or tedious."
--Oscar Wilde
"There is no sin except for stupidity."
--Oscar Wilde
"Ah! don't say you agree with me. When people agree with me
I always feel that I must be wrong."
--Oscar Wilde
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies,
and statistics."
--Mark Twain
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
--Mark Twain
"One of the most striking differences between a cat and
a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."
--Mark Twain
"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."
--Mark Twain
"We cannot be free men if this is, by our national crisis,
to be a land of slavery. Those who deny freedom to others deserve
it not for themselves."
--Abraham Lincoln
"What is conservativism? Is it not the aherence to the old
and tried against the new and untried?"
--Abraham Lincoln
"People who like this sort of thing will find that this
is the sort of thing they like."
--Abraham Lincoln
"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling but it wobbles
and the letters get in the wrong places."
--Pooh (Alan Alexander Milne)
"Four things greater than all things are, -
"Women and Horses and Power and War."
--Rudyard Kipling
"For the female of the species is more dangerous than the
male......"
--Rudyard Kipling
"A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy."
--Benjamin Disraeli
"The man for whom law exists - the man of forms, the
Conservative, is a tame man."
--Henry David Thoreau
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs
who, however, has never learned to walk."
--Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"Of all the varieties of virtues, liberalism is the
most beloved."
--Aristotle
"Society everywhere is in a conspiracy against the manhood
of every one of its members."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"All conservatives are such from personal defects. They
have been effeminated by position or nature, born halt and blind,
through luxury of their parents, and can only, like invalids, act
on the defensive."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing
that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great
moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one
thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of
things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a
lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he
would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was,
and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut
Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can
fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any
patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left
that open to us. He did not intend to."
--C. S. Lewis
"Some rainy winter Sundays when there's a little boredom, you should
always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know exactly that you're
always making a choice."
--Lina Wertmuller
"Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter
what we are doing? What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? If
you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work
on that."
--Epicetus
"Let us treat men and women well; treat them as if they were real.
Perhaps they are."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can never
examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of them all. How
much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?"
--C. S. Lewis
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's
opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
--Oscar Wilde
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 11:29:10 -0500
From: [email protected]
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
References:
Status: R
Hi, I too am interested in collecting some good quotes.
I have enclosed some of the quotes that I have picked up
from this newsgroup. I apologize for not including the
name of the person whose quote this is.
I would appreciate it if U could mail to me all the good
quotes that U have.
Thanks.
Vishal Verma
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Reality is only as the mind perceives it,
where yesterday will never arrive and
tomorrow has long since gone.
%%
In life try to get what you like otherwise you shall
be forced to like what you get.
%%
The diffrence between success and failure is to refuse
to quit when you are discouraged.
%%
"To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for." Alexander Smith
%%
"Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly." - Simeon Strunsky
%%
Life is like quotations. Sometimes, it makes you laugh.
Sometimes, it makes you cry.
Most of the time, you don't get it.
%%
"Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question."
Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
%%
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
-O. Wilde-
%%
When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's
finished.
[I have to admit - this quotation is chauvinistic. I guess if you're
a woman you could just reverse the gender ]
%%
A thief will demand your money or your life,
but only a woman will demand both.
[I have to admit - this quotation is chauvinistic. I guess if you're
a woman you could just reverse the gender ]
%%
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." --Wilde
%%
"The question of whether or not a computer can think is
about as interesting as whether a submarine can swim."
- Edward Djikstra on AI
%%
Try to learn something about everything and everything
about something.
- T.H. Huxley
%%
The most merciful thing in the world . . . is the
inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
- H.P. Lovecraft
%%
To hate is to study, to study is to understand, to
understand is to appreciate, to appreciate is to love. So
maybe I'll end up loving your theory.
- John A. Wheeler
%%
One trouble with being efficient is that it makes
everybody hate you so.
- Bob Edwards
%%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have
trouble doing it.
- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
"The problems of this world cannot possibly be solved by sceptics or
cynics , but only by men who can dream of things that never was "
- John F. Kennedy
%%
The hard thing about death is that nothing ever changes. The hard thing
about life is that nothing stays the same.
%%
Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.
H. Ford
%%
Common sense is collection of prejudice acquired by age 18.
Albert Einstein
%%
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To: [email protected]
Subject: quotes
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 20:17:35 BST
From: [email protected]
Sender: [email protected]
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
Status: R
There are more here than I thought,some of them are very well-known
and some of them are from friends and hence may not be that terribly amusing.
I would appreciate some choide quotes that you may have compiled already.
******************************************************************************
"Immortality -- a fate worse than death."
- Edgar A. Shoaff
"Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves."
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Lactomangulation, n.:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat-hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
UfO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
not much good in a fight."
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? FIRST you rape, THEN you
pillage!!
Famous last words:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
4. We won't need reservations.
5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
8. After being driving for twenty years I think know well
enough when to slow ....
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
Kasha, n.:
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? I
know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Boy's Guide to Yiddish"
"Seeing Ministry live is like mainlining on the 20th Century"
- Melody Maker
'The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting drunk.' The
Replacements.
`Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny.' Frank Zappa
"Cos there's nothing strange about an axe with bloodstains in a barn,
there's always some killing you've gotta do around the farm."
- Tom Waits
"Noone could be happy-happy out of their head all the time,unless they
were on some fierce drug altogether."
- Frank & Walters
"When I emerged from my mothers uterus,I was the size of a chicken bouillon
cube and Father said to the obstetrician:
`I realise that at this age it's difficult to prognosticate his chances for
a productive life,but if he's going to to remain six-sided & 0.4 grams
for the rest of his life,then euthanasia's our best bet' "
- Mark Leyner
"Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no
other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure."
"Take this cross and garlic; here's a Mezuzah if he's Jewish; a page of the
Koran if he's a Muslim; and if he's a Zen Buddhist, you're on your own."
"Moviemaking is not about politically correct people - Fuck politically
correct." - Paul Verhoeven
"Hell,I even thought I was dead.But I found out I was just in Nebraska."
- Little Bill,in Unforgiven
"People should mate for life,like pigeons or catholics."
- Woody Allen,Manhattan
"I was such a pacifist I used to get beaten up by Quakers"
- Woody Allen,Sleeper
"It takes a sweet little bullet from a pretty blue gun to put those scarlet
ribbons in your hair."
- Tom Waits,Blue Valentine
"I can resist anything except temptation"
- Oscar Wilde
"Vogon spaceships don't look as if they had been designed so much as
congealed."
- Douglas Adams
"To say that vogons are not above a little bribery and corruption is
like saying that the sea is not above the sky"
- Douglas Adams
"They've got a Saturday night special,every night of the week."
- Loudon Wainwright III
"Real life sucks losers dry,if you wanna fuck with the eagles you've
got to learn to fly."
- Heathers
"Another time in the park I was waiting for her,sitting on
a bench humming tunes in my head and staring vacantly into
space;she came up from the side and was leaning over to say
'Boo!' when I realised she was there;I jumped up to give her a
kiss and cracked her on the chin with my head;knocked the poor
kid unconscious."
-Iain Banks "Espedair Street"
"There are only two really important things in life:
1. Sex
2. (well it's not really that important)"
-Woody Allen
"Soap and education aren't as deadly as a massacre but they get you in
the end."
- Mark Twain
"Veronica : But Heather why can't we talk to different types of people
Heather : Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,do I look like Mother
Teresa ?"
- Heathers
"I'm considering a move to Memphis,that's Memphis,Tenesee
It worked for Elvis Presley,why can't it work for me?"
- Colour-blind James Experience
"I don't know but I've been told
the streets of heaven are lined with gold
I ask you how things could get much worse
if the russians happened to get up there first
wowee,pretty scary"
- Robert Zimmerman
"The difference between the Pope and George Bush is that whereas Bush
walks on the ground and kisses women,the Pope kisses the ground
and..."
"CIA spokesman : We can say with some certainty that Noriega was a
sadist,a drug-abuser and despot.
Reporter : How do you know so much about him?
CIA spokesman : Well he was on our payroll."
- Johnny Tingle
"And she had a bath once a year .....whether she needed it or not."
- Mark Twain
"The vogon spaceships hung in the air,in the same way as bricks don't."
- Douglas Adams
"the band is just fantastic,that is really what I think
oh,by the way,which one's Pink"
- Pink Floyd
"Grow up,be a man and shut your mealy mouth
Dial-a-Cliche"
- Morrisey
"Back in the days when the galaxy was formed,when men were real
men,women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
- Douglas Adams
"Broad-mindedness is what you get when you flatten out
high-mindedness."
"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others"
- George Orwell
"A Clockwork Orange,the story of a young man whose principal
intersets are rape,ultra-violence and Beethoven"
"There is more than one way to skin a cat;
Way No.27 : The electric-sander method ...."
"2 is never equal to 3,not even for large values of 2."
"We have a large selection of milk,but that one looks hungry"
- Maths Soc.
"But what we want to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?"
"I travelled to a mystical time-zone,and I missed my bed and I soon came
home.They said there's too much caffeine in your blood-stream and a
lack of real spice in your life....."
- S. Morrisey
"Frank settled out in the valley,and he hung his wild years on a nail
that he drove through his wifes forehead."
- Tom Waits
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work,I want to achieve
immortality by not dying"
- Woody Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
- Woody Allen
"Eric : What kind of system errors could you expect in this experiment?
Jason : Typograhical errors. [and he was serious] "
"All science is either physics or stamp-collecting."
- E. Rutherford
"Welcome to the Politically Correct States of America. Please turn your mind
in to the nearest oppressed minority pressure group. It will be returned to
you once we've decided what you can think"
"The good christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
make empty prophecies.The danger already exists that the mathematicians
have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine
man in the bonds of hell."
- St. Augustine
"Accuracy is the vice of being right."
"People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it."
- Ogden Nash
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
- R. Serling
"If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?"
"What follows is based on actual occurences.Although much has been
changed for rhetorical purposes,it must be regarded in its essence as
fact.However,it should in no way be associated with that great body of
factual information relating to orthodox Zen Buddhist practice.It's
not very factual about motorcycles,either."
- Robert M. Pirsig
(Introduction to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance)
"... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up."
- Dave Barry "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
"All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all."
- Monty Python's Flying Circus
" 'Heather,why are you such a megabitch ?'
'Because I can be.' "
- Heathers
"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all."
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw."
- W. C. Fields
"These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink."
They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
impression.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
"Jesus was killed by a moral majority."
"I have little experience of marriage myself,sir,having only been
married once."
- Oscar Wilde
"If the lower orders do not set us an example,then I really cannot see
the use of them.As a class they seem morally very irresponsible."
- Oscar Wilde
**************************************************************************
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From: [email protected]
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Quotes
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 93 15:29:28 EDT
Status: R
Here's all the stuff that I have. Some of them are from
just people I know, so they might not mean that much to other peo-
ple.
#1
-----------------------------------
Article 33585 of alt.romance:
Path: taco!rock!stanford.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!bb3.andrew.cmu.edu!andrew.cmu.edu!af2e+
From: Alex Feely
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: You know you are in love when...
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1993 20:30:56 -0500
Organization: Sponsored account, School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Lines: 28
Message-ID:
NNTP-Posting-Host: po4.andrew.cmu.edu
Greetings...
> You know you are in lust/love/infatuation when...
When thought can nolonger be un-interupted by her, and
your soul is crying out to be loved by her.
Alex Feely
****************************************************************
My mind prances in wilderness yet untamed by human conception.
Enter my world of LIFE, DEATH, AND NEUTRALITY ETERNAL!!
A tree is a terrible thing to waste....
Love can be the basis of daily existance, my goal is to
find as much love as possible.
#2
----------------------------------
Sir I admit your general rule
That every Poet is a Fool
But you yourself may serve to show it
That every Fool is not a Poet
rendered from the french by Pope
#3
------------------------------------
"Any sufficiantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke
#4
------------------------------------
"Bruce is too obsessed with the Beatles"
--comment on report card from Spring '64
Bruce Dumes
Stratus Computer, Inc.
#5
--------------------------------------
Civilization is just a temporary failure of entropy.
--Christine Nelson
Cray Research, Inc.
#6
---------------------------------------
> FEMINISM IS FOR THE BIRDS AND ANY REAL WOMEN KNOWS THAT. WOMEN ARE BORN
>SUBMISSIVES AND LONG TO BE TREATED AS SUCH. MAN IS THE TRUE DOMINATE SEX AND
>WILL ALWAYS BE SUPERIOR TO THE FEMALE. A WOMAN SHOULD BE KEPT BOUND AND GAGGED
>UNTIL SHE HAS REACHED A POINT IN HER TRAINING THAT SHE KNOWS HER PLACE AND WILL
>BE TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE TO HER MASTER (THE MALE).
[etc., etc., etc.]
Down-dooby-doo-down-down/breaking up is hard to do.
Have you been this bitter for a while now, or did she just leave you
recently?
-Devjani Mishra A student/professor at Yale
#7
---------------------------------------
"Eliminate the impossible and what ever remains, no matter how
improble, is the truth"
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
through Sherlock Holmes
"I reject that philosophy. The impossible often has a kind of
integrity which the merely improbable lacks."
-- Douglas Adams through Dirk Gently
#8
--------------------------------------
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they
make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams
#9
---------------------------------------
Ask Troi, and do the opposite of what she says.
Jeff R. Lamb
University of Illinois at Urbana
#10
---------------------------------------
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-Martin Luther King Jr.
From "Letter From the Birming-
ham City Jail"
#11
----------------------------------------
It was 8:05 but my instructor ask
me to drop it since I have already
taken GC101. 805 > GC 120.
So my first class is at 11:20 T H .
I also register for EC 201 on mondays & wednesday
at 11:20 and 12:10 and I will also add CSC 258
to push it to 17 hours and drop one a couple of weeks from now.
-Nelson Wilson (A freind of mine
demonstrating his great mastery
of the English language.)
#12
----------------------------------------
We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a
journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
-Marcel Proust
#13
-----------------------------------------
But then again, Holland is a country where you buy your marihuana at a
coffee-shop, your porn mags & video's at a petrol-station and hamburgers at
an electronics store, so whadja want?
-Ralph 'Hairy' Moonen
AT&T, Holland(?)
#14
-------------------------------------------
Even when you do find food, it's wicked expensive (like everything else at
WDW!).
- [email protected] (Rik Ahlberg)
#15
-------------------------------------------
What's right is what's left when everything is wrong.
-Robin Williams
#16
---------------------------------------------
Why does there have to be an end to the rainbow? Can't we just let
beauty exist without trying to prove that it dies?
-- Spite
The University of Akron
#17
-------------------------------------------
Stuff from the Star Wars trilogy:
"Oota goota, Solo? Soam peetalay. EE mal-a-tran tee-tachma geekeetna."
"Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all
right now. We're fine. We're all fine here...now...thank you. How
are you?" *wince*
"I am NOT a committee!"
"Oh, listen to them, Artoo; they're dying!"
"R2D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer."
"Can someone get this walking carpet out of my way?" "No reward is worth this."
"I bring a gift: these two droids." "Artoo, you're playing the wrong message!"
"And you said it would be pretty down here."
"Don't be so proud of this technological terror you've created. The
ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power
of the force."
"Kreesh naa krenko." "Yeah, I'll bet you have."
"Keep your distance though, Chewie...but don't LOOK like your tryin' to keep
your distance. I don't know...fly casual."
"But *sir*, the odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial
Stardestroyer--" "SHUT UP!"
"Get in there, you big hairy oaf! ...I don't care what you smell, get in!"
"That's cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they
lose. Wookies are known to do that."
"I have a new strategy, Artoo. Let the Wookie win."
"Wait! I thought you were blind!" "Trust me!"
"Urk..urk..."
"Apology accepted, Captain Nida"
#18
-------------------------------------------
Article 564 of alt.quotations:
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Path: taco!rock!stanford.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!bradley.bradley.edu!camelot!dlphknob
From: [email protected] (Jemaleddin Cole)
Subject: Re: Stephen Wright quotes (WAS: Ours is not to reason why)
Message-ID:
Sender: [email protected]
Nntp-Posting-Host: camelot.bradley.edu
Organization: "Panty of the Month Club"
References: <[email protected]>
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 93 12:13:10 EST
Lines: 964
In <[email protected]> [email protected] (Jeffrey Bradford) writes:
>>Anyone got any others?
STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--- appliances ---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
--- telephones ---
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said,
"Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said,
"How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my
calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I
said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."
--- apartments ---
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When
I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
--- houses ---
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... so I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
--- cars and driving ---
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (slow glance upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got
dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you
can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came
back the entire area was missing.
--- sleeping ---
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
--- socks ---
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
--- records ---
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
--- fishing ---
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
--- dogs ---
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
--- chemistry ---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live
on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--- childhood ---
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
--- not-all-there ---
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
--- suicide ---
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
--- books ---
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
--- miscellaneous one-liners ---
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper... (said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
"So, do you live around here often?"
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--- miscellaneous ---
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did
it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the
only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There
was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
for a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it)... gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.
Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Here are my categories, with examples (his):
ENGLISH:
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't
notice until I got it set up. People complained because they
couldn't see the lake.
WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
SELF:
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
NAAAHH:
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
TRIVIALIZATION:
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
___________________________________
These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
___________________________________
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a
spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a
blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees
were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I
said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll
be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
___________________________________
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
___________________________________
Subject: not quite Wright...
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is
the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may
wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats
another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable tv.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon
paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
--
"V ungr dhbgngvbaf. Gryy zr jung lbh xabj."
--Sebz _Snzvyvne Dhbgngvbaf_, Enycu Jnyqb Rzrefba
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jemaleddin Sasha David Cole IV - Chief of Knobbery and Knobbility
[email protected]
#19
-----------------------------------------------
familiarity * lots = warm-fuzzies;
warm-fuzzies + magic = fall in love.
-Stewart Tansley (Nov 17, 1992)
BNR Europe Limited
London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK
#20
-------------------------------------------
"The wonderfull thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderfull things.
Thier tops are made out of rubber,
thier bottoms are made out of springs.
They're bouncy,flouncy,trouncy,pouncy,
fun,fun,fun,fun,fun.
But the most wonderfull thing about Tiggers
is I'm the only one."
-Tigger (From Winnie the Pooh)
#21
-------------------------------------------
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
-Walter Elias Disney
#22
--------------------------------------------
When the doors of perception are cleansed, man will see reality
for what it really is, infinite.
-William Blake
(Inspiration for the name of The Doors.)
Well, that's it. I hope it's enough. :)
Greg Wilson
[email protected]
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 23:53:21 -0500
From: Jennifer Young
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Quotes.....
Status: R
Ok... here are my 2 quotes files.... they're kinda long....
also, I am curious as to what INFJ means.... :)
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid"
Heinrich Heine
*******************************************************************
AMERICA (See Politics)
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
Richard M. Nixon
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Frank Lloyd Wright
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
*******************************************************************
ART/MUSIC
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one
Stella Adler
I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.
Erin Cleary
Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and
have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are.
Henry Fielding
Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom
Robert Frost
You're an actor, are you? Well, all that means is: you are irresponsible,
irrational, romantic, and incapable of handling an adult emotion or a
universal concept without first reducing it to something personal, material,
sensational -- and probably sexual!
George Herman, _A Company of Wayward Saints_
But that's what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else
feels crummy.
The New Yorker
Without music life would be a mistake
Friedrich Nietzsche
Wagner's music is better than it sounds
Mark Twain
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell
it.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
*******************************************************************
CHILDREN/YOUTH (See Marriage/Family)
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of
infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and
three from the remorse of age.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks
and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
*******************************************************************
COMPUTERS
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and
explode once a year killing everyone inside.
Robert Cringely/InfoWorld
To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its
programmer
Morris Kingston
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Orben's Current Comedy
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
The goal of Computer Science is to build somthing that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Whenever possible blame the hardware.
*******************************************************************
DECADENCE
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring
the deadening effect of a habit.
W. Somerset Maugham
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
Bart Simpson
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
Mae West
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Mae West
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Bern Williams
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be
good.
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
*******************************************************************
DESIRE
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.
Alexander Graham Bell
Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire
William Blake
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp--or what's a heaven for?
Robert Browning
Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose
pain.
William Faulkner
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy
for me.
Kugell
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Lane Olinghouse
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough
whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
Whatever you want too much, you can't have, so when you REALLY want
something, try to want it a little less.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't
have that you wouldn't want
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an
electric fan.
*******************************************************************
ECONOMICS/MONEY/BUSINESS
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Frank Adams
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty
I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud
for half the money.
Arthur Godfrey
The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money.
IRS auditor
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
Karl Marx
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it
would have been much better.
Karl Marx's Mother
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
John H. Patterson
When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.
H. V. Prochnow
I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire.
Lewis Timberlake
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
Mark Twain
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality
to be accountants.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
afterward.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
*******************************************************************
EDUCATION
Learning is finding out what you already know
Richard Bach
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish
their lack of understanding.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Ben Franklin
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
Mark Twain
About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations.
*******************************************************************
EGO
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Tallulah Bankhead
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space
Diana Black
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
Ashleigh Brilliant
A really busy person never knows how much he weighs.
Edgar Watson Howe
I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress
Jane Siberry
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example
Mark Twain
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
Mae West
Swallowing pride never choked anyone
The best thing to do behind a person's back is to pat it
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be
surprised to learn they're not it.
*******************************************************************
FOOLS
There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience.
Jacob Braude
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.
Niven's Law # 16
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
*******************************************************************
FRIENDS/ENEMIES
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other
fragile and precious thing.
Randolph S. Bourne
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
Oscar Wilde
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are
trying to kill us.
Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it
is bad.
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that
subject.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*******************************************************************
HAPPINESS
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
Benjamin Disraeli
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
*******************************************************************
HISTORY/PAST
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
Construction Digest
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.
Benjamin Disraeli
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times
like these.
Paul Harvey
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable
must Man be of learning from experience
George Bernard Shaw
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.
*******************************************************************
HUMOR
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer
and die.
Mel Brooks
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit
of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Herodotus
The muse of humor has once again looked down upon me, and found me worthy to
carry out the deeds of her noble cause.
Michael S. Rosenberg
He who laughs, lasts.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first. A person
will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body
- the wishbone.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to
be amused.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
*******************************************************************
KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM (see Mind)
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
Confucius
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
Montaigne
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in
it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove
lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also
she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and
the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge.
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise
at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach,
and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these
practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being
that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of
them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has
killed all the others who have tried it.
It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
*******************************************************************
LANGUAGE
Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows
where his towel is.
Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
Language is a virus from outer space.
William S. Burroughs
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave
danger they will be misinterpreted.
H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
*******************************************************************
LEGEND/VALOR
Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
H. L. Mencken
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One: Get scared right away; avoid the rush.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
...the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is
before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet
it.
Thucydides
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became
heroes.
*******************************************************************
LIFE/DEATH
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of
underwear.
Woody Allen
A life without cause is a life without effect
Barbarella
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Bugs Bunny
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill
...the fog is rising
Emily Dickinson's last words
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing pole.
Doug Larson
If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of
myself.
Mickey Mantle
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Kathy Norris
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Heidi Sandige
When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming-
-I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. "No, no, you want the
other Walter Slovotsky."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards
with us.
Karl Cullinane, _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner,
you have learned how to live.
Lin Yutang
May you live all the days of your life.
What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of
life is to enjoy it.
There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are
increasing. The living are getting rarer.
*******************************************************************
LOVE (See Sex)
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown
Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of
his personality
Victor Frankel
Love is a hole in the heart.
Ben Hecht
She's a very dominant woman; she walks on the ground I worship
Dennis Miller
Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man
is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
*******************************************************************
MARRIAGE/FAMILY (See Children/Youth)
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.
Edward Albee
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.
George Burns
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since
they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.
F. M. Knowles
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not
hereditary.
Thomas Paine
Familiarity breeds contempt --- and children.
Mark Twain
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked `petite'
and hold on to the receipt.
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have children, but
there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at
how many re-enlist.
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together
if ever we had been married?
There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't,
and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like
a bank note, for two twenties.
*******************************************************************
MIND (see Knowledge/wisdom)
-Well, here's something to occupy you and keep your mind off things.
-It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.
Aristotle
95% of this game is half mental.
Yogi Berra
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
Lewis Carroll
It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and
unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings.
Bronwyn Davies
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Thomas Dewar
Just on the border of your waking mind, there lies another time, where
darkness and light are one. And as you tread the halls of sanity, you feel
so glad to be unable to go beyond. I have a message from another time.....
ELO: "Prologue from the "Time" album -- Daicon IV Opening Animation
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
George was a great dunce, but no matter for that: all men do not thrive in
the world according to their learning.
Henry Fielding
That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling
in itself.
Tom Gates
Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
Colonel Flagg, MASH
Open your mind before you open your mouth.
Fortune Cookie
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier
Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
Remy De Gourmant
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine
Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original
dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
It's great to be young and insane.
Michael Keaton, "Dream Team"
The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many
accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.
Ed Parker
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
George Bernard Shaw
The melancholy truth was that his glorious golden head had nothing in it.
Cecil Woodham Smith
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in
the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should
have in mind.
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid
the real labor of thinking.
If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as a man
and then compare the relative brain size, we know find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it WAS!
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
When a stupid person is doing something it is ashamed of, it always declares
that it is his job.
*******************************************************************
MISC
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life
forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
meeting.
Marvin, _Life, the Universe, and Everything_ by Douglas Adams
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
Woody Allen
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty
Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you
do not entertain.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state
religion.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Get your cut throat off my knife
Diane Diprima, _Nightmare Gallery_
Lif is too short
Bart Gold
Every once in a while a film comes along. This is such a film.
Mad Magazine
There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy.
Ambose Pierce
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg
If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you
can hang yourself with the cord.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
...an eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death shall
be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading one, so
I woke up from sheer boredom.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*******************************************************************
OPTIMISM/PESSIMISM
Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly,
everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ...
It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
Ambrose Bierce
Since I gave up hope I feel much better
A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and
the pessimist fears this is true.
*******************************************************************
PLEASURE
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
Samuel Johnson
There is no time like the pleasant.
Pain past is pleasure.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play
for once!
*******************************************************************
POLITICS/LAW
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to
burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
William H. Borah
Diplomacy --- the art of saying "Nice doggie" 'til you can find a stick.
Wynn Catlin
I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first
lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of
infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was
Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.
Winston Churchill
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
Arthur C. Clarke
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood.
Alexander Haig
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but
Congress can.
Cullen Hightower
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
Abbie Hoffman
Justice is incidental to law and order.
J. Edgar Hoover
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
J. Edgar Hoover
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country
choose a second rate president.
Richard M. Nixon
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men
in national government too.
Richard M. Nixon
No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making
other bastards die for their country.
George Smith Patton
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Will Rogers
Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
Bill Stern
A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a
leader.
Harry Truman
No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
Judge Gideon J. Tucker
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly
American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen
more of them who were paralyzed in the head
George Wallace
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains
a lamp and the friend of a politician.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to
run.
This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many
people. They had to settle for what they could get.
There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things. Death and taxes come
to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators come
together.
Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on bugs.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
A politician is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to
the ground.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congres.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our
idea of useless legislation.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles
away when it happened.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
*******************************************************************
PROCRASTINATION
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up
Nothing is really work unless you'd rather be doing something else
*******************************************************************
RELIGION
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side
of the case. God has written all the books.
Samuel Butler
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with
our frail and feeble mind.
Albert Einstein
I could prove God statistically.
George Gallup
Who says I am not under the special protection of God?
Adolf Hitler
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
Alfred Jarry
In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him.
"Aqualung" - Jethro Tull
You don't fuck around with the infinite
Mean Streets
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist
Michael Patton
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
*******************************************************************
SCIENCE
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the
study of carbon compounds that crawl.
Mike Adams
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and
springs, and believes it civilization.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and
Saturday.
William Bragg
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
Goethe
Scientists are the easiest to fool. They think in straight, predictable,
directable, and therefore misdirectable, lines. The only world they know is
the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they
appear to be. Children and conjurors--they terrify me. Scientists are no
problem; against them I feel quite confident.
Zambendorf, _Code of the Lifemaker_ by James P. Hogan
The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a
torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an
oracle, is inborn in us.
Paul Vale'ry, 1895
Gyroscope, n.:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to
rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis
of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes
results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning
and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the
axis of spin.
Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is trivial,
is trivially trivial.
*******************************************************************
SELF
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours
Richard Bach
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of
lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
Montaigne
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
*******************************************************************
SEX (see Love)
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Joseph Fischer
Slovotsky's Law number Twenty-Three: Trouble with you Jewish girls is that
your desire to DO is in inverse proportion to your willingness to TALK about
it.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg
I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.
Robin Williams
Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or
how long it will last.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is sex.
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad,
it's still pretty good.
Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily.
*******************************************************************
SEXIST
For every dollar a man makes
A woman makes 63 cents
Now, fifty years ago that was 62 cents,
So, with any kind of luck, it'll be the year 3,888
Before we make a buck
Laurie Anderson
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson
When God created men, she was only joking
All men are created equal. All women are created superior.
*******************************************************************
TIME
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want
Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson
You can't make a baby in one month, even if you make nine women pregnant
Some scientist
*******************************************************************
TRUTH
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the
truth.
Ashleigh Brilliant
It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away,
I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling.
Robert M. Pirsig
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
Harry Truman
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a
falsehood, isn't it?
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by
children.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know
how to lie well.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
*******************************************************************
UNIVERSE
There is a theory that state: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for
it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizzarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened..."
Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether
I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
Chang-tzu
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
Albert Einstein
The chess board is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe,
the rules of the game are what we call the laws of Nature. The player on the
other side is hidden from us. We know that his play is always fair, just and
patient. But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake,
or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance.
Thomas Henry Huxley
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind
to correlate all its contents.
H. P. Lovecraft
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything
else in the universe.
John Muir (1838-1914)
When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you
Friedrich Nietzche
Reality is good for you...in small doses.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
Natural laws have not pity.
*******************************************************************
WOMEN
You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which
is why God invented dental floss.
Susanne Kollrack
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes
a fool of him in twenty minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars.
*******************************************************************
WORDS
Aischbedellazouchecastleabbe
-title of song (Ash forest by the bridge next to the Castle Abbe)
Artiformologicalintactitudinarianisminist
-one who studies 4-5 letter latin prefixes and suffixes
Humahumanukanukaapua'a
-the state fish of Hawaii (Reef Trigger Fish)
Kardivilliwarrakurrakurrieapparlandoo
-name of a lake in Northern Australia
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.)
*******************************************************************
UNCATEGORIZED
...If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the
wrong impression.
If you're walking on thin ice, you might was well dance.
A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
Barbarella
Of, excuse me, I though I was someone else for a moment
Three may keep a secret, if two are dead
Benjamin Franklin
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing
George Bernard Shaw
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic
desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately
deserves it.
Tenderness is the repose of Passion.
Joseph Joubert
A bore is a person who talks so much about itself that you can't talk about
yourself.
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the
plain people is the stork.
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
Every person is wrong until they cry, and then they are right, instantly.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware
of it.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
I do desire we may be better strangers.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion.
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the
tail and face the situation
W. C. Fields
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct,
or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction
of a new order to things.
N. Machiavelli
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
Miles Davis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but
that's the way to bet.
Damon Runyon
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong
direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
Graffiti
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it
Gordon R. Dickson
I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as
in what direction we are moving; To reach the port of heaven, we must sail
sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it--but we must sail, and not
drift, nor lie at anchor.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Man tends to root for the underdog, because he fears that he will find
himself in that same position far too often.
Michael S. Rosenberg
There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
D. J. Hicks
To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The
highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
Ancient Chinese Warlord
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem
more afraid of life than death.
James F. Byrnes
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
Charles G. Dawes
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own.
You may both be wrong.
Dandemis
Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
Jean Toomer
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
Charles Brower
No one ever listened himself out of a job.
Calvin Coolidge
A signature always reveals a man's character--and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar
Some people march to a different drummer--and some people polka.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they
were.
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get
more wax!!
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from
you.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
Ashleigh Brilliant
In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there
is just one of it where there should be two.
Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!
People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor!
The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do
for an encore.
We have deep depth.
Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes.
Yogi Berra
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't
hittin'.
Casey Stengel
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
Willard Gaylin
You can observe a lot by just watching.
Yogi Berra
In Mexico we have a word for sushi -- bait.
Jose Simon
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of
ten it will.
Paul Harvey News, 1979
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
Farmers Almanac
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
David Hull
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else.
---Ogden Nash
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
---American proverb
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
---Robert Frost
I am the only guinea pig I have.
---R.Buckminster Fuller
True friendship is never serene.
---Marie de Rabutin-Chantal
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
---Lily Tomlin
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
---Walter Bagehot
Sweet is revenge - especially to women.
---Lord Byron
"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, I
didn't like it, I didn't inhale it, and never tried it again."
-- Bill Clinton
"I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all,
we've been voting for boobs long enough."
-- Arizona senatorial candidate Claire Sargent, on women candidates
"Many, if not all, of my presidential opponents are certifiable idiots."
-- Philippine presidential candidate Miriam Defensor Santiago
"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for
President. One hopes it is the same half."
-- Gore Vidal
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective Marc, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
-- From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.)
Department of Social Services
"We believe he wanted to win in the worst way."
-- Seminole County, Fla., Sheriff Don Eslinger on a state representative
challenger charged with attempted murder of his opponent
"It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages
women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
-- Televangelist Pat Robertson, who spoke at the Republican convention, on
the proposed equal rights amendment
"Would you please shut up and sit down!"
-- George Bush, to a grooup of POW-MIA families protesting his campaign
speech in Crystal City, Va.
"you've got to cry without weeping,
talk without speaking,
scream without raising your voice"
---U2
"I'm an experienced woman; I've been around...
well, alright, I might not've been around, but
I've been... nearby."
---Mary Richards
(mary Tyler moore show)
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That
will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
---Ernest Hemingway
"Dont' play for safety- it's the most dangerous thing
in the world."
---Hugh Walpole
"I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to
be able to do things the same way other people did.
Dad's advice? 'Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate
sheep. They eat sheep.'"
---Margo Kaufman
"Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life."
---Bertolt Brecht
"In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes."
---Andy Warhol
"If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would
have changed the history of music... and of aviation."
-- Tom Stoppard
"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start
and so on."
-- Robert Byrne
"Life is something that everyone should try at least once."
-- Michael Moncur
"I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency."
-- Anon., French slogan
"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it."
-- Sir Thomas Beecham
"I take the view, and always have, that if you cannot say what you are
going to say in twenty minutes you ought to go away and write a book
about it."
-- Lord Brabazon
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the
public and have no self."
-- Cyril Connolly
"Last week, I went to Philidelphia, but it was closed."
-- W. C. Fields
"Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the
beholder."
-- Dr. Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"
-- Ronnie Shakes
"And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle."
-- Stan Dunn
"Facts are stupid things."
-- Ronald Reagan
Un baiser: un petit point rose que l'on met sur l'i du verbe Aimer.
"votres lobes d'oreilles sont comme les te^tes des poissons"
" The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard further than
the roar of a lion"
Arab Proverb
"God is love,but get it in writing".
Gypsdy Rose Lee
Plumpick?: Don't you understand, the whole town will blow up in three minutes!
Columbine: Yes--they will be wonderful, those three minutes.
--_The King of Hearts_
We are only what we feel.
--Neil Young
There are three kinds of kisses: peach, plum, and alfalfa.
--Tom Hyde
It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.
--Brother Theodore
A thing can be true and still be desperate folly.
--Richard Adams, _Watership Down_
The thousand mysteries around us would not trouble but interest us, if only we
had cheerful, healthy hearts.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
When you find yourself in the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
--Mark Twain
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women
that you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
--George Carlin
If they give you lined paper, write the other way.
--e. e. cummings
A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest.
--Paul Simon
Don't get even--get odd.
--Swami Beyondananda
All children are morbid. It is their one saving grace.
--Truman Capote
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught
heart and bids it break.
--William Shakespeare, _Macbeth_
When men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster.
--Lao Tse, _Tao Te Ching: 72_
Kon: Are you happy?
Jake: Who can answer that question off the top of their head?
Kon: People who are happy.
--_The Two Jakes_
God created sex. Priests created marriage.
--Voltaire
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.
--Henry Miller
Sin is seeing yourself through somebody else's eyes.
--Sebastian Moore
You can best serve civilization by being against what usually passes for it.
--Wendell Berry
============================================================================
This compilation is copyrighted material. I encourage you to distribute
it as widely as possible, but do not charge anything for it other than
the actual distribution costs. Copyright (c) 1992 Michael Goldsman
============================================================================
Bobby Knight told me this: "There is nothing that a good defense
cannot beat a better offense." In other words a good offense wins.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club
of Chicago, comparing the offensive capabilities of the
Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Right now we have a theory of mutually assured destruction that supposedly
provides for peace and stability, and it's worked. But that doesn't mean
that we can't build upon a concept of MAD where both sides are vulnerable
to another attack. Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable
peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the
first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction
to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will
eventually go.
-- Senator Dan Quayle discussing nuclear weapons at
a speech in Chicago. (reported in the NY Times 9/9/88)
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
US News and World Report (10/10/88)
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th
anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen.
If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Those same asteroids which promise material riches can be a threat as well.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/1/90
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a -- it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states
are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when a woman at a hospital in
Colorado Springs asked Mr. Quayle last week whether Hawaii's
universal health-care plan might serve as a national model.
(reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92)
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89
This gem has been added to Bartlett's "Familiar
Quotations."
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
(reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)
I can see the hate that was there; I can see the bigotry. I can see
it from his perspective.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing his impressions
of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X."
(The Wall Street Journal, 6/8/92 - taken from
The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo," 4/25/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102)
[The US] condones violence in El Salvador.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle reveals what people have
known for years. 1/31/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights--the elimination of human rights in accordance with the
pursuit of Justice.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 2/3/89
(reported in The Chicago Tribune, 2/4/89)
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
One learns every day. Experience is a great teacher. By experience you
learn. But as I enter office, I'm prepared now. Obviously, I will be
more prepared as time goes on. I will know more about the office of the
presidency. But I'm prepared now and I will be more prepared as time goes
on.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
(reported in the NY Times, 1/14/89)
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Also reported by Reuuters, 5/2/90
It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 10/20/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Somewhere between real and real real.
-- Senator Dan Quayle pinpointing their location to reporters
aboard the Quayle campaign plane.
(reported in Wall Street Journal, 10/21/88)
Let me say it one more time. It is ill-rel-e-vant.
-- Senator Dan Quayle testily responding to repeated questions
about his parents' involvement in the John Birch Society.
(reported in the Washington Post, 10/10/88)
Because. Because I say it isn't.
-- Senator Dan Quayle explaining why questions about
his parents' ties to the John Birch Society aren't
relevant, 10/9/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
define the term "target prices."
Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for,
what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me
on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/6/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Also reported by Newsweek, 9/5/88
I guess you'll have to ask the details to the management, I am here.
The Governor and I are announcing this today. It was just signed off on
by the Secretary of Defense as something that we have been monitoring,
and the Governor obviously has been very involved in this. And we're
making this announcement today.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a factory near Detroit
in August, 1992, showing just how familiar he was
with the details of a $300 million plan to upgrade the
Army's M-1 tanks. (reported in the NY Times 10/7/92)
[The US is] naked, absolutely nude, to attack [by Soviets]
-- Senator Dan Quayle at the Ohio State Fair,
8/20/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Vietnam is a jungle. You had jungle warfare. Kuwait, Iraq, Saudi Arabia,
you have sand. [There is no need to worry about a protracted war because]
from a historical basis, Middle East conflicts do not last a long time.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 10/2/90
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to Latin America.
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 10/2/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
but it's still funny]
I got through a number of things in the area of defense, like showing the
importance of cruise missiles and getting them more accurate so that we can
have precise precision.
-- Senator Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
accomplishments. (reported in The NY Times 8/26/88)
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant, 1988
Senator Bentsen talks about recapturing the foreign markets. Well, I'll
tell you one way that we're not going to recapture the foreign markets, and
that is, in fact, we have another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter
grain embargo. Jimmy Carter's grain embargo set the American farmer back.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
Washington Post transcript (10/6/88)
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations. And I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
-- Senator Dan Quayle, when asked what he would do if he
assumed the Presidency, 10/10/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I had not had that question before.
-- Senator Dan Quayle explaining why, during the Bentsen
debate, he couldn't say what he would do if he suddenly
became president, 10/6/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Want to hear a sad story about the Dukakis campaign? The governor of
Massachusetts, he lost his top naval advisor last week. His rubber
ducky drowned in the bathtub.
-- Senator Dan Quayle addresses the issues during the
1988 campaign, 9/13/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
That is not a yes or no question.
-- Senator Dan Quayle during a somewhat heated exchange with
reporters in 1988. Quayle indicated he would only accept
"yes or no" questions for the rest of the session. Here,
he refuses to answer a question of whether he's offered to
take his name off of the ticket, 8/19/88
(reported in the Washington Post, 8/20/88, p. A6)
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports
that his aides have had to, in effect, "potty train" him.
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 10/27/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 10/30/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92 and the Los Angeles
Times, 10/30/88)
Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge
it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to
tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I am the future.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 10/18/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The future will be a better tomorrow.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States Senate.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 1988
We'll let the sunshine come in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to students at a high
school in Miami with the highest dropout rate of the
city, 10/26/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/2/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I'll have to check with my dad.
-- Dan Quayle responding when an Indiana GOP county chairman
asked him to run for Congress in 1976.
(reported by the Washington Post, 10/2/88)
I do- I do- I do- I do- what any normal person would do at that age.
You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like
to get into the National Guard."
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/19/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I did not know in 1969 that I would be in this room today, I'll confess.
-- Senator Dan Quayle responding to questions in 1988 about
allegations that he used family connections to get into
the Indiana National Guard.
(reported in the Washington Post, 8/26/88)
When you get into conflict, and regional conflicts, I mean, you have to
have certain goals, and a goal cannot be really a no-win situation.
-- Senator Dan Quayle attempting to explain his military
service during the Vietnam war.
(reported in the Washington Post, 9/6/88)
Obviously, if you join the National Guard, you have less of a chance
of going to Vietnam. I mean it goes without saying.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle discussing his draft record
on NBC's "Meet the Press," 9/20/92.
(reported in the Houston Chronicle 9/21/92)
Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/27/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
-- Senator Dan Quayle on the upcoming Thanksgiving
holiday, 11/6/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
[Americans will soon observe the 20th anniversary of] Neil Armstrong and
Buzz Lukens' walk on the moon.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual
assaulter/Congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 7/15/89
Los Angeles Times (7/16/89)
...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle continuing to confuse the sexual
assaulter/Congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 7/15/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Okay, I won't open it until then
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after having been
presented with an empty box that was to contain
a gift from a sailing team in South America.
He was told that the gift was not ready yet,
but that it would be presented to him when they
arrived in the United States.
You always learn something by reading the classics. Particularly The
Prince. I go through and look at this from this intellectual point of
view. Machiavelli had these three classes of mind. The first class was
the person that was creative enough to be leader and be able to lead a
great nation without much help. The second class of mind was one that
wasn't creative but could take ideas, put people around him, and be able
to lead nations forward. And the third class of people didn't really know
much of anything. And they were the worst kind of leaders, because not
only were they not creative, but they didn't know what was right or wrong,
and they just sort of went by whatever they felt like.
I've tried to figure out where I am. I know I'm not the first because I don't
think I have the creativeness that Machiavelli talks about. If I go back and
reread it I might figure it out exactly where I put myself. I'm somewhere
between two and one.
-- Senator Dan Quayle gives his opinion of the book
"The Prince," 9/28/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
And it was a very good book of Rasputin's involvement in that, which shows
how people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history.
-- Senator Dan Quayle gives his opinion of the book
"Nicholas, and Alexandra," to Hendrick Hertzberg of the
New Republic, 9/28/88 (reported in Savvy Woman, 1/89, p. 56)
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to
catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone
forever.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/4/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was.
He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective
we've had in a couple of hundred years.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
Intrapersonal.
-- Senator Dan Quayle describing his relationship with Bush
on the campaign trail in Irvine, California.
(reported in the NY Times, 8/28/88)
I would like to express my sympathy to all those impacted by this disaster.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle standing in front
of the collapsed section of highway caused by the
Loma Prieta quake. (CNN)
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San
Francisco earthquake, 10/19/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I couldn't help but be impressed by the magnitude of the earthquake.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, stepping out of
the helicopter upon arrival at Alameda Naval Air
Station.
Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn
and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types
of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that
would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa
Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in
George Bush.
-- Senator Dan Quayle at a garden center and produce store
in Baltimore (from the Los Angeles Times, Douglas Jehl,
11/6/88)
It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing,
so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to oil spill clean-up
workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989
The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him
when I arrive.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to oil spill clean-up
workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989
They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help. And we
are helping, and we're going to continue to help.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing federal involvement
in the Chicago floods. (Chicago Tribune, 4/24/92 -
taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/30/91
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of
interest.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South
American Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an
erection, 3/11/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away
from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and
there.
-- Senator Dan Quayle defending himself
(LA Herald Examiner 10/3/88)
Public speaking is very easy.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
The mike works. That's very important to make sure the mike works, and
ours is working well.
-- Senator Dan Quayle informing reporters of a successful
sound check before the VP debate, 10/5/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I am not part of the problem; I am a Republican.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
They asked me to go in front of the Reagans. I'm not used to going in
front of President Reagan, so we went out behind the Bushes.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the swearing in ceremony
on Inauguration Day, 1/20/89. No, he's not discussing his
sanitary habits. (reported in the NY Daily News, 1/21/89)
I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90)
I'm the Vice-President. They know it, and they know that I know it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about his political
enemies, 3/13/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I've never professed to be anything but an average student.
-- Senator Dan Quayle during the
VP debate in Omaha, Nebraska (10/88)
Hey, Roger, does... on, on this, you know, if I'm gonna, if I, if I
decide on my gesture over there... is that all right?... You don't mind?
-- Senator Dan Quayle asking Roger Ailes's advice
on a debating gesture, 10/5/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I, I can't tell you exactly what we do on that pain and suffering in the ----
[He then looked off-stage to Kevin Moley, the deputy secretary of the
Department of health, for advice]
Kevin, what do we do on the pain and suffering on our malpractice proposal?
[He listened briefly to Moley's explanation]
So, it doesn't address it specifically.
The state -- the states could in fact -- what we basically do is --
try to do -- is get the states to come up with medical malpractice
legislation. We have, I think it's five criteria in our suggested
recommendations. But once they meet the five criteria, then they get a
favorable distribution from us if they meet -- basically forcing the states
to adopt this medical malpractice legislation, and that's the way
that you do it.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle in Phoenix, Arizona, answering
a question on Bush's malpractice reform bill. One of the
five malpractice measures would actually require states to
place a cap of $250,000 on damages for pain and suffering
to avoid a cutoff of federal financing.
(reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92)
The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I
want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you,
in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you
like a puppy?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)
In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
-- Senator Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois (LA Times 10/19/88)
I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting
season begins at noon.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc.
(LA Times 10/16/88)
The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say the
SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending
(Newsweek 10/30/89)
I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very
close, personal, loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted
plant in these meetings.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
(Tampa Tribune-Times 1/7/90)
Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call
him George... When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him
George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice
President, because that's who he is.
-- Senator Dan Quayle shortly after being named
Geo. Bush's running mate, 8/27/88
(reported in Esquire, 8/92, The NY Times, 8/28/88 )
Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousey [sic].
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in a handwritten note
written to Sam Snead in the summer of 1991,
after they had played a lousy round of golf.
(Herald-Times, Bloomington, IN, July 15, 1992)
I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect
opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter's
questions about his use of Air force 2 to
go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour
It's not to keep him from running off our property. It's to protect my
putting green.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle telling a guest at his house
why his dog, Breezy, wears a special collar that emits
a painful jolt of electricity should the dog try to
run away. (reported in the NY Daily News, 6/30/92 -
taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 92)
[I support efforts] to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
members of the House and members of the Senate.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/26/90
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will
never, never surrender to what is right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the Christian
Coalition about the need for abstinence to avoid AIDS,
11/15/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Maybe you guys will get lucky this year and face the Orioles in the
World Series.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle encouraging the Milwaukee
Brewers after throwing out the opening pitch of the
season. Both teams are in the American League.
(5/3/92 Sunday Detroit News)
Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a cure for AIDS in the marketplace
before Magic Johnson gets AIDS?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/13/91 (CNN)
[Note: Magic Johnson is HIV+ and does NOT have AIDS.
This quote seemed to imply to me that Dan was expressing
his hope for a cure only because a well-liked figure was
in danger of dying: "Because Magic is sick, it would be nice
to have a cure."]
Are they taking DDT?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan
AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice, 4/30/92
(reported in Esquire, 8/92, and NY Post early May 92)
We are leaders of the world of the space program.
We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program
and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding
the Soviet Union's demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now
have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union.
Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore.
Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications
from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missile attacks. Ballistic
missiles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missiles. How do
you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missiles and things like
that? Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We
use space a lot today.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
What you guys want, I'm for.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to farmers on a
local pork issue (8/25/88)
(from the Book "The Clothes have No Emperor")
Perestroika is nothing more than refined Stalinism.
-- Senator Dan Quayle (9/04/88)
(from the Book "The Clothes have No Emperor")
America is great, because America is free.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they
aren't. I don't know if its the way you say it, or how you look.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their
whole career in public service.
-- Vice President (former senator, former congressman, etc..)
Dan Quayle
If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still
in a recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth;
people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91
Need any help?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing
GM autoworkers in Southgate two weeks before GM
announced 74,000 layoffs
The message of David Duke, is this, basically: Big government, anti-big
government, get out of my pocketbook, cut my taxes, put welfare people
back to work. That's a very popular message. The problem is the messenger.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
It doesn't help matters when prime time TV has Murphy Brown -- a
character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid,
professional woman -- mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a
child alone, and calling it just another "lifestyle choice."
I know it is not fashionable to talk about moral values, but we need to
do it. Even though our cultural leaders in Hollywood, network TV, the
national newspapers routinely jeer at them, I think that most of us in
this room know that some things are good, and other things are wrong.
Now it's time to make the discussion public.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
Commonwealth Club of San Francisco and criticizing
Murphy Brown's decision to NOT have an abortion
and to be a single (highly successful) mother, 5/19/92.
When told about Quayle's comments, a senior
Bush campaign official replied only "Oh, dear."
Bush's top aide said, "The world is a lot more complex
than Dan would like to believe"
And for those concerned about children growing up in poverty, we should
know this: marriage is probably the best anti-poverty program of all.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
Commonwealth Club of San Francisco, 5/19/92
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to
blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings? The killers are to blame.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth
analysis of the LA riots. (during the Commonwealth
Club speech 5/19/92)
There is one picture on TV I'll never forget - the picture of a man
being pulled from his truck and being beaten to death.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about a LA riot video
tape showing 33-year-old Reginald Denny being beaten
unconscious. Denny, however, did not die from the attack.
(Reported by AP 5/1/92, taken from the Quayle Quarterly,
Summer/Fall 1992)
I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional
woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to The Chron's Jerry Roberts.
I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his opinions about
the TV show "Murphy Brown" [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92]
The intergenerational poverty that troubles us so much today is
predominantly a poverty of values.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
not having it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
You know, before I left, President Bush and I were talking and he said to
me, "I knew Spiro Agnew. I worked with Spiro Agnew. And believe me, you are
no Spiro Agnew."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to those who had compared
his attacks on the "cultural elite" to Agnew's
denunciations of "effete intellectuals."
(The Los Angeles Daily News, 6/28/92 - taken from the
Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92, (reported on KRXX News)
Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired
of losing our women.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about
breast cancer
I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning
to turn around.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters
that the economy was doing better because a
Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window.
He was campaigning for reelection in Ontario, CA,
1/17/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
You have a part-time job, and that's better than no job at all.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the
Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time
minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on,
and that "It's hard to find people who want to actually
show up for the job."
Ever heard of this theory of "trickle down?" That's ridiculous. We're
talking about trickling up. We're talking about climbing up the ladder.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to encourage teenage
students in Salinas, California to push themselves in
school. (The Fresno Bee, 5/19/92, taken from The
Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
I'm ready.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle describing his ability
to take over the presidency after President Bush vomits
and collapses in Tokyo, 1/8/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We're in Florida.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining why he
had just purchased four peaches (and no citrus
fruits -- for which Florida is famous) at a Publix
supermarket in Oakland Park, Florida. Georgia (which
IS famous for peaches) did not gain from the transaction,
however; the peaches were from Chile. (The Sunstenial)
I hope there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do.
-- Senator Dan Quayle defending himself against
allegations of involvement with Paula Parkinson,
8/23/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an
election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the
fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the
last two years, I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those
last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I
don't have to do that.
-- Senator Dan Quayle
I don't have to experience tragedy to understand it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle during a photo-op
in LA, responding to criticisms that he didn't
understand what it meant to live in the "inner
city." (WRAL 6/23/92)
My position is that I understand from a medical situation, immediately
after a rape is reported, that a woman normally, in fact, can go to the
hospital and have a D and C. At that time... that is before the forming
of a life. That is not anything to do with abortion.
-- Senator Dan Quayle explaining that Dilatation
and Curettage, a form of abortion which occurs
after fertilization, is not really abortion.
(the Washington post, 11/03/88)
You're a very strong woman... Though this would be a traumatic experience
that you would never forget, I think that you would be very successful in
life.
-- Senator Dan Quayle telling an 11-year-old girl
why he would want her to have the baby if she were raped by
her father, 10/18/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potatoe,' how's it spelled?
You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go... all right!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's
correct spelling of the word "potato" during
a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.
I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But
as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only
one way to spell a word."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from
President Andrew Jackson.
I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since
he got his nickname "Stonewall" by vetoing bills passed by Congress.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson
with Confederate General Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson,
who actually got his nickname at the first Battle of
Bull Run.
People who Bowl Vote.
Bowlers are not the cultural elite.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle while at a Las Vegas bowling
alley. The Vice President bowled 5 times, and knocked
down 19 pins. (6/25/92, San Jose Mercury News)
The American Bowling Congress projected his score for a
full game to be 76. The Detroit average for amateur
players is 163 (USA Today, 7/6/92)
I wear their scorn as a badge of honor.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing how he
copes with criticism from the media elite, 6/9/92
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
It would be a serious mistake to replace a seasoned statesman with a
temperamental tycoon who has no respect for the constitution.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle giving his opinion about
Ross Perot's presidential campaign (June 1992)
This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will happen.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop at CA State
University, Fresno, 1/17/92
(The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)
We have to do more than just elect a new president if we truly want to
change this country."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Absolutely. I certainly hope I am.
- Vice President Dan Quayle on whether he is still on the
Republican ticket. (Newsweek, August 10, 1992.)
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about the Mideast
situation, 9/22/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, talking to NASA
employees, 9/5/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was] a stirring victory for the
forces of aggression.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/11/91
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I hope I never have to deal with it. But obviously I would counsel her
and talk to her and support her on whatever decision she made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to Larry
King's question of how he would react if his 13-year-old
daughter chose to have an abortion. (CNN, July 22, 1992)
Marilyn Quayle later remarked that her daughter would
"take the child to term."
[Abortion] is not an issue with the American people. It is a figment
of your imagination if you think that this is an issue that is talked
about a lot.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters while flying back
to Washington on September 23.
[From the Associated Press 9/24/92]
It's a good Supreme Court. They're lawyers... they're judges...
they're appointed for life.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked about the
verdict in the Supreme Court ruling on the PA abortion
law case. (Broadcast on ABC's "Prime Time Live,"
August 10, 1992)
I'm not sure I'm up for a "Murphy Brown" appearance yet. I'm not sure
that they want a guest appearance by me either... Well, I'd consider
it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on Larry King Live.
He also said that he'd make a guest appearance as long
as his point of view wasn't censored.
(CNN, July 22, 1992)
It's sort of like define pornography. You know it when you see one. You
know a cultural elitist when you see one.
[Jim Lehrer: Who are they?]
They know who they are.
[Jim Lehrer: Yes, but WHO ARE they?]
You know and I know.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle describing who he is talking
about when he refers to the cultural elite, 6/19/92
The McNeil/Lehrer Report. (taken from the Quayle
Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
It shows "us vs. them," and I'm on the "us" side.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining the strategy behind
his twitting of "cultural elites."
(The Indianapolis Star, 6/14/92 - taken from the Quayle
Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
We have had a number of discussions and, believe me, if I thought I was
hurting the ticket, I'd be gone.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on Larry King Live when asked
if he'd offered to remove himself from the ticket,
(CNN, July 22, 1992)
I just have one thing to say: Murphy, you owe me!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after Candice Bergan won an
Emmy for her role as Murphy Brown
[KTLA a.m. co-anchor Barbara Beck, "So, what's your favorite TV program?"]
Murphy Brown on KTLA/Channel 5--not!
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle in a television commercial
for KTLA's Murphy Brown reruns.
(reported in the San Jose Mercury News, 9/10/92)
Hollywood is the stronghold of the adversary culture. It is on the other
side of the cultural divide from Huntington, and they don't like it when
someone from Huntington, with Midwestern values, challenges their
so-called moral authority.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle, while campaigning in
Kansas City, MO, 9/2
(reported by the NY times, 9/3/92)
You smile discreetly, you look like you're enjoying yourself, like
you're ready to get down to serious business. You've got to be careful
what you say.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, on how to act in
front of the press.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing John Sununu's
resignation and apparent lack of flexibility, 12/6/91
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the American
Society of Newspaper Editors, April 1991
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, (USA Today 4/22/92 - taken
from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, regarding David Duke's
candidacy, 10/12/90, (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I'm not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will
miss me.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston
Chronicle, 5/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly,
Summer/Fall 1992)
It was just a job. It wasn't any special interest in consumer affairs.
I needed a paycheck and the Attorney General said that I would be best
to go down there, because he knew I was anti-consumer.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle and talking about his job as
Chief investigator, consumer protection division of the
Indiana Attorney General's office from 1970-1971
Our future competitiveness demands that true environmentalists and
responsible leaders not allow the well-intentioned concerns of the
American public to be manipulated and exploited as a means to re-establish
unnecessary regulatory, economic and social controls.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I take my children hiking and fishing, walking in the woods.
-- Senator Dan Quayle offering proof of his
commitment to the environment during the VP
debate, 10/5/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The National Academy of Sciences says that this level [40 MPG]
is not even technically achievable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle arguing against suggestions
to raise fuel efficiency standards for American automobiles.
But Richard A. Meserve, who served as the chairman of
the academy's study on fuel efficiency, said that Mr.
Quayle had misunderstood a report by the academy that had
discussed whether cars that efficient would be attractive
to American buyers. (New York Times, 8/29/92)
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The [Democrats] talked about putting people first. Well, they put people
first unless you happen to be a spotted owl or a giant garter snake or
some other endangered species and then that seems to have priority.
Obviously, you take the bald eagle and things of that sort, of course
you're going to make sure that they are saved and that they can live and
you're going to take every precaution that you can. But others---we just
need a little flexibility.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his lambasting of
Democrats on the Spotted Owl/ Endangered Species issue.
(In an interview on Prime Time Live, August 10, 1992.
Reported in the NY Times, August 12, 1992)
Our values are creating jobs in America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle answering Chris Wallace's
question: "[The Council on Competitiveness] has made it
easier for businesses to exceed pollution levels, it has
delayed regulations on aircraft noise, it has weakened
regulations to make apartment buildings more accessible to
wheelchairs. Are those your values?"
(ABC's "Prime Time Live," August 10, 1992)
We lead in exporting jobs.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle committing a Freudian slip while
speaking to the Chamber of Commerce of Evansville, Indiana,
a city which lost 4 large companies in the last four years.
He quickly changed the word "jobs" to "products."
(NY Newsday 7/26/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly,
Summer/Winter, 1992)
My grandfather... saw where inherited wealth ruined people. And my
grandfather was right.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle giving an analysis of his
own situation: he has a half-million dollars
worth of his family's newspaper stock holdings.
(ABC's "Prime Time Live," August 10, 1992)
Life has been very good to me. I never had to worry about where I was
going to go. But I do say, 'Dan, you know, sometime in life there's
going to be a tragedy.' There was never anything where 'I've got to work
really hard to get there ...'
-- Senator Dan Quayle engaging in self-reflection while on the
campaign trail. (reported in the Washington Post, 10/10/88)
I didn't pay a lot of attention as I should have in college.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I've heard people say that [I have a short attention span]. I don't feel
I do, because when I'm interested in something I'll stay in focus as long
as it is necessary ... If you get off on something I'm not very interested
in, it's very easy for me to block it out. It's easy for me to block
things out.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12-JAN-92
[The book, "The Satanic Verses"] is obviously not only offensive but,
I would think most of us would say, in bad taste.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle commenting on the book
which caused Salman Rushdie to be placed under a death
sentence. The Vice-President had not read the book, 3/16/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/5/89
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
We will move forward, we will move upward, and yes, we will move onward.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to a group of students at
a Chicago school, 4/24/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I am now cashing in on being vice president for others. They'll remember me.
I'll remember them.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
One thing we're able to do is raise money.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on the Republican Party
[I will describe] where I come from and what kind of a house I lived in
when I was a kid, how many public schools that I went to - five elementary,
two high schools - product of a public school system, two jobs in college,
went to night school, worked my way through law school.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle telling an interviewer how
he will use his acceptance speech at the Republican
Convention to reintroduce himself to the public, and
to provide details of his hard-working background.
(reported in the NY Times 8/15/92)
When you start talking about sleaze, I think some in the media ought to
look in the mirror. Now what's the motivation of this? I can't think of
any other motivating factor other than you want to hurt the President and
help Bill Clinton.
There's good journalism and there's bad journalism. And I want to say
something to you good journalists. You are being overwhelmed by the bad
journalism and the bad journalists of America.
Good journalism is taking a rumor, taking gossip and going out and
investigating it and finding out if it's true, and if there's any credibility
at all. And when you find something like this that was investigated and
was totally false, you don't print it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a news conference in
Huntington Beach, CA, defending George Bush against
charges of marital infidelity.
(reported in the NY Times 8/13/92)
I was a less than serious student in college. If I had it to do over again,
I would be far more serious. I did play a lot of golf. But I don't think
that's any reflection on my ability to lead this nation.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Looking back, I should have pursued philosophy and economics and things of
that sort in college more, but I didn't.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
[I got into law school] through an experimental Indiana University program
intended to offer 'equal opportunity' to minorities, the economically
disadvantaged and other students of different viewpoints and backgrounds.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Let us get through this week. Let us get through the debate or debates.
Let us see George Bush re-elected this November. And then we'll talk
about 1994.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked by Bernard Shaw if
Bush/Quayle victory in 1992 would make him the heir
apparent in 1996, 8/17/92, on CNN. (A NY Times article
started: "No Comment Yet On Strategy for '94. But will
it be a good year for potatoes?" It then went on to
speculate that Kemp, Baker, Bennett and Buchanan won't
be running in '94)
Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively because Americans
are smoking less.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1990 (reported by IPS, 8/14/92)
This is not a bipartisan issue.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle noting that Democrats
and political independents join Republicans in
endorsing term limits, while speaking before supporters
of term-limitation proposals in 15 states, 8/20/92
(reported in the NY Times, 8/21/92)
For more than a month the media have been telling us that Bill Clinton and
Al Gore are "moderates." Well, if they're moderates, I'm a world champion
speller.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in his acceptance
speech during the 1992 Republican National Convention,
8/20/92.
We will never give Bill Clinton the opportunity to be the President of the
United States.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (9/19/92)
We are doing the right thing and we do not see the bad things.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle pretending he is one of the
wise monkeys.
We shouldn't have to be burdened with all the technicalities that
come up from time to time with shrewd, smart lawyers interpreting
what the laws or what the Constitution may or may not say.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle, addressing a police
academy in Knoxville, Tennessee in August 1992
(from the AP wire)
Most women do not want to be liberated from their essential natures as women.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle, while campaigning in
Kansas City, MO, 9/2/92
(reported in the NY times, 9/3/92)
My viewpoint is that it's more of a choice than a biological situation...
I think it is a wrong choice. It is a wrong; it is a wrong choice.
I do believe in most cases it certainly is a choice.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle discussing his views on
homosexuality while on "This Week with David Brinkley"
9/13/92. (reported in the San Francisco Chronicle, 9/14/92)
If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us.
[a reporter then asked him what he meant by that]
That's for you to figure out.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle answering a reporter's question
on what the effect might be if Perot re-entered the race.
He was campaigning in Rockford, Ill., 9/29/92.
The Vice-President later clarified the remark saying that
Perot will raise issues about the economy, and this is
one of the President's strengths.
(reported in the NY Times, 9/30/92)
He grew up in Washington, D.C., and he's the son of a wealthy U.S. Senator...
He went to the most expensive private schools in Washington, D.C., and I'm
the product of the public schools... I'm at a big disadvantage, but we'll
do all right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle while in Detroit, 9/30/92
A spokesman later said that he was joking.
(reported in the Philadelphia Inquirer 10/1/92):
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on the concept of a
manned mission to Mars.
Our trick, Rush - not a trick, our challenge - our challenge is to make the
American people comfortable with the leadership George Bush will offer in
the next four years.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, on the Rush Limbaugh show.
(Reported in the NY Times, 7/8/92 - from the Quayle
Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
If you elect Bill Clinton and Al Gore that would be a disaster for
agriculture. What Bill Clinton says he'll do, well, I'll tell you what
I'm going to do is to give a lot of balance to the interest here in California.
What we would have is an environmental summit, and guess who's going to be the
head of that enironmental summit? It's not going to be the Governor of
Arkansas. He's going to put Senator Al Gore in charge of the environmental
summit and his book will be the agenda for that environmental summit.
I hope everyone reads that book. We wanted to take that book to our debate,
but for some reason Al Gore didn't want us to have the book in the debate
because we wanted to make sure everyone knew what was in that book. Because
that's the agenda for Bill Clinton. That's the agenda of the Clinton-Gore
administration. Here's what he says about farmers. Here's what he says
about agriculture in that book. He says that farmers strip-mine the land.
He says that agriculture is in fact bulldozing the Garden of Eden. Well I
tell you what, if you elect Bill Clinton and Al Gore you can say goodbye to
water, goodbye to food, and goodbye to your jobs. But come November the 3'rd,
the American people are going to say good-bye to Bill Clinton and Al Gore.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in a speech to farmers outside
Fresno, California on 10/7/92.
(reported in the NY Times 10/8/92)
[David Broder: Doesn't that sound like a case where the public is
getting shafted and there may be a need for local regulation or F.C.C.
regulation?]
Yeah. There is F.C.C. regulation. There is regulation.
[There's not control of rates or service.]
That's true, but there is ----
[Well, tell me in simple terms that people can understand: Why shouldn't
they be regulated?]
O.K., simple terms, here's the choice. Here's the choice in simple
terms. Are you going to try to constrain the price increase through
regulation or through genuine competition? Our preference is to do it
through genuine competition.
[But there isn't genuine competition.]
That's right. Because you have -- but the cities that grant these
things can certainly be more competitive and have more openness if
they're ----
[So your suggestion is that they go out and have two or three
different companies wire these communities to get competition?]
I'm not going to get into the micromanagement of the cable industry.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on NBC's "Meet the Press"
9/20/92, defending the administration's opposition
to the cable-tv reregulation bill.
(reported in the NY Times 10/7/92)
We have been pushing the idea that George Bush is going to make matters
much, much worse.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in a interview on CBS's
this Morning. (reported by the Star-Ledger, 10/28/92)
Take a breath, Al... Inhale.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al
Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92.
Bill Clinton's tax-and-spend policies will create a recession in America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in New Jersey, 10/19/92.
He did not go on to distinguish between the predicted
Clinton recession and the current Bush recession.
(reported in the Philadelphia Inquirer, 10/20/92)
Remember the last time we had a Democratic president and a Democratic
Congress? Remember the 21 percent interest rates? Remember the inflation of
13 percent? Remember the grain embargo? Remember the Soviet Union invasion
of Afghanistan?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in New Jersey to a crowd of
teenagers, 10/19/92. During the Carter administration,
these teenagers were probably more interested in diapers
and baby formula than in economics and foreign policy.
(reported in the Philadelphia Inquirer, 10/20/92)
You can't just walk into a store and buy a gun. There's all sorts of
registration, there are all sorts of state laws.
-- Senator Dan Quayle after criticizing Michael Dukakis
for the Massachusetts furlough program. Quayle was soon
informed that indeed in many states a person could just
walk into a store and buy a gun.
in the NY Times, 8/27/88)
That's solid. There, you see how much I learned.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when when visiting a welding
class at a vocational school in Union, Missouri. He welded
two scraps of metal together to demonstrate how much he
had learned while in the National Guard.
(reported in the NY Times, 10/25/88)
We have been pushing the idea George Bush is going to make matters much,
much worse by holding the line on taxes, a balanced budget amendment...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle while on "CBS This Morning,"
10/27/92. (reported in the Chicago Tribune, 10/28/92)
The President scores much better than Bill Clinton.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, comparing Bush's record of
marital infidelity to Clinton's during a televised interview
with David Frost, 10/92.
It was a good campaign contribution to Bill Clinton, but he gets a lot of
contributions from Hollywood. We're making great progress with Hollywood.
I am convinced because of my speech of several months ago on the poverty of
values in this country that Hollywood will begin to reflect our values better.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, when asked about the season
opener of the television sitcom, "Murphy Brown," while
ay the Texas Medical Center in Houston.
(Reported by UPI, 9/92)
If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train
a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle while at a job training
center in Atlanta celebrating the 10'th anniversary
of the Job Training Partnership Act, which Quayle helped
to sponsor while a senator, 10/13/92.
(reported in the NY Times, 10/14/92).
[Republican supporter: You did great, Dan, great. There's just one thing.
This abortion thing. You've got to realize that the Democratic position --]
Is extreme? (nodding in anticipation)
[No, is supported by 72 percent of the people in this country.
You've got to drop it, Dan.]
-- Vice President Dan Quayle while standing on the stage after
the VP debate taking the congratulations of well-wishing
Republicans, 10/13/92. Quayle then nodded politely and
moved on. (reported in the NY Times 10/14/92)
My opponent knows less about national defense than I know about spelling.
Even I know it's Cruise missiles, not Patriot missiles that go through
doors and chimneys.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a Bill Clinton
misstatement, 9/92. (seen on CNN; the CNN anchorwoman
corrected Quayle when the story was over.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan Quayle had a trip planned to Beijing, but was worried because of
the turmoil at that end. His security advisor however informed him that
it was pretty safe for D.Q. as, "They are only harassing intellectuals."
Republican activist Dana Reed said he was amused recently when he received
an unsolicited certificate of commendation signed by Vice President
Dan Quayle. The honor was awarded to Reed as "a champion of the traditional
American values of family, faith, hard work and morality." Reed quipped,
"I'm twice-divorced and "Murphy Brown" is my favorite TV show"
(reported July, 92 by the Orange County Register)
On 10/11/88 Dan Quayle held a pumpkin next to his head.
(reported in Esquire 8/92)
On 6/13/89, Dan Quayle posed in El Salvador holding a grenade launcher.
Unbeknownst to him, it was aimed at his elbow.
(reported in Esquire 8/92)
Quayle was very enthusiastic about signing author Tom Clancy to the National
Space Council as an unpaid consultant (see his quote re: Red Storm Rising).
Clancy, however, was not Quayle's first choice; that honor went to famed
aviator Clutch Cargo. A plan to approach him and offer him the position was
scuttled when it was discovered that Mr. Cargo is a fictional character.
(reported in The New Republic, 7/3/89)
During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs
using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides
handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly
and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.
Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors
may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order
to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine.
On 8/13/91 lawyer Dan Quayle tells the American Bar Association that the
US has too many lawyers. He is quickly scolded by another speaker.
(reported in Esquire 8/92)
While discussing the terms of the vice-presidential debate, Quayle's aide
suggested that "props" be allowed, mainly because the Vice-President
wanted to read directly from Al Gore's book on the environment,
"Earth in the Balance: Ecology and the Human Spirit." Gore's people agreed,
saying that the Senator would then use a potato as a prop. Quayle quickly
abandoned the proposal. (reported in The NY Times, 10/6/92)
Bed Spreaders spread spreads on beds.
Bread Spreaders spread butter on breads.
And that Bed Spreader better
watch out how he's spreading
or that Bread Spreader's
sure going to butter his bedding.
- Dr Suess
Upon an island hard to reach,
the East Beast sits upon his beach.
Upon the west beach sits the West Beast.
Each beach beast thinks that he's the best beast.
Which is best? Well, I thought at first
that the East was best and the West was worst.
Then I looked again from west to east
and I like the beast on the east beach least.
- Dr Suess
Fritz needs Fred and Fred needs Fritz.
Fritz feeds Fred and Fred feeds Fritz.
Fred feeds Fritz with ritzy Fred food.
Fritz feeds Fred with ritzy Fritz food.
And Fritz, when fed, has often said,
"I'm a Fred-fed Fritz.
Fred's a Fritz-fed Fred."
- Dr Suess
One year we had a Christmas brunch
with Merry Christmas Mush to munch.
But I don't think you'd care for such.
We didn't like to munch mush much.
- Dr Suess
The storm starts
when drops start dropping.
When the drops stop dropping
then the storm starts stopping.
- Dr Suess
Also, I'm not sure about these two:
A skunk sat on a stump. The skunk thunk the stump stunk but
the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Betty Botter bought some butter,
"But", she said, "the butter's bitter.
If I put it in my batter it will make my batter bitter."
So she bought a bit of better butter
(better than her bitter butter) and
she put it in her batter and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
In Anthony Burgess' "The End of the World News", one of the characters
recites the following:
"I loved you. And love for you has not yet burned out of my soul. But
don't let my love cause you distress any more. I don't wish to bring you
grief. I loved you silently, hopelessly, sometimes in joy, sometimes in
jealousy. I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly. Ah, may God grant that
you be so loved by another."
My world, and welcome to it -- Thurber.
Become who you are -- Nietzshe
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one play
s -- Smuel Butler (I've misquoted this somewhere on the net -- apoologies to a
ll)
Life is like the Olympic games; a few men strain their muscles to carry off a
prize, others sell trinckets to the crowd for a profit; some just come and see
how everything is done. -- Pythagoras
it is now some years since I detected how many were the false beliefs that I ha
d believed to be true since my earliest youth. And since that time, I have bee
n convinced that I must once and for all seriously try to rid myself of all the
opiniouns which I had formerly accepted, and begin to build anew, if I wanted t
o establish any firm and permanent structure for my beliefs. -- Rene Descartes
, Meditations.
The following ties in nicely with another thread (What is music?)
All I know about music is that not many people ever really hear it. And even t
hen, on the rare occasions that something opens within, and the music enters, w
hat we mainly hear, or hear corraborated, are personal, private, vanishing evoc
ations. But the man who creates the music is hearing somethin else, is dealing
with the roar rising from the void, and imposing order on it as it hits the ai
r. What is evoked in him, then, is of another order, more terrible because it
has no wards, and more triumphant, too, for that same reason. And his triumph,
when he triumphs, is ours. -- James Baldwin "Sonny's Blues"
"You're not *hearing* Jimmi" -- paraphrase (not an exact quote -- I have a lous
y memory) from White Men Can't Jump
Since I've seen this *several* times in this group, the actual context of the
"God is dead" quotation of Nietzsche:
The Madman. -- Have you ever heard of the madman who on a bright morning lighte
d a lantern and ran to the market-place callin out unceasingly: "I seek God! I
seek Gad!" -- As there were many people standing about who did not believe in
God, he caused a great deal of amusement. Why! is he lost? said one. Has he
strayed away like a child? said another. Or does he keep himself hidden? Is
he afraid of us? Has he taken a sea-voyage? has he emigrated? -- the people c
ried out laughingly, all in a hubub. The insane man jumped into their midst an
d transfixed them with his glances. "Where is God gone?" he called out. "I me
an to tell you! *We have killed him*, you and I! We are all his murderes!...."
-- from THE JOYFUL WISDOM
The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalcuable. -- Carl Jung
The present is the only thing that has no end. -- Erwin Schrodinger
The mere formulation of a problem is often far more essntial than its solution.
To raise new problems from a new angle requires creative imagination and mark
real advances..." -- Albert Einstein (why don't my prof's ever accept this o
n a test??? hehehehehehehe)
Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard -- Stanislav Lee
A closed mouth gathers no foor. ???? (saw it on a crosstich of all places!)
There are some things that are so serious that you have to laugh at them. --
Niels Bohr (quantum physicist).
"Stay away from needle drugs. Richard Nixon is the only
dope worth shooting." -- Abbie Hoffman
"Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a
crowded fire." --- Abbie Hoffman
Steal this Book
"Our rights remain rights only as long as we have the
prudence not to test them" -Mark Twain
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron."
-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
- The Doctor
- Meglos
The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was
created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has
been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams
- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.
- Robert M. Hamilton
Perhaps the reader may ask, of what consequence is it
whether the author's exact language is preserved or not,
provided we have his thought? The answer is, that inaccurate
quotation is a sin against truth. It may appear in any
particular instance to be a trifle, but perfection consists in
small things, and perfection is no trifle.
- Robert W. Shaunon
Try to learn something about everything and everything
about something.
- T.H. Huxley
In reality, though, the first thing to ask of history is
that it should point out to us the paths of liberty. The
great lesson to draw from revolutions is not that they devour
humanity but rather that tyranny never fails to generate them.
- Pierre Trudeau
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
- M.C. Escher
The most merciful thing in the world . . . is the
inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
- H.P. Lovecraft
He did not mean to be cruel. If anybody had called him
so, he would have resented it extremely. He would have said
that what he did was done entirely for the good of the
country. But he was a man who had always been accustomed to
consider himself first and foremost, believing that whatever
he wanted was sure to be right, and therefore he ought to have
it. So he tried to get it, and got it too, as people like him
very often do. Whether they enjoy it when they have it is
another question.
- Dinah Craik
- The Little Lame Prince
To hate is to study, to study is to understand, to
understand is to appreciate, to appreciate is to love. So
maybe I'll end up loving your theory.
- John A. Wheeler
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- George Wald
Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe.
There are no longer any citizens in the world; there are only
subjects. They work day in and day out for their masters;
they are bound to die for their masters at call. Out of this
working and dying they tend to get less and less.
- H.L. Mencken
One trouble with being efficient is that it makes
everybody hate you so.
- Bob Edwards
Abroad, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a
Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad
is to make others miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce
- The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have
trouble doing it.
- Tallulah Bankhead
It is easy-- terribly easy-- to shake a man's faith in
himself. To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit is
devil's work. Take care of what you are doing. Take care.
- G.B. Shaw
- Candida
It is ordinary for us to poison rivers also; yea and the
very elements whereof the world doth stand, are by us
infected: for even the air itself, wherein and whereby all
things should live, we corrupt to their mischief and
destruction.
- Pliny The Elder
I am a design chauvinist. I believe that good design is
magical and not to be lightly tinkered with. The difference
between a great design and a lousy one is in the meshing of
the thousand details that either fit or don't, and the spirit
of the passionate intellect that has tied them together, or
tried. That's why programming-- or buying software-- on the
basis of "lists of features" is a doomed and misguided effort.
The features can be thrown together, as in a garbage can, or
carefully laid together and interwoven in elegant unification,
as in APL, or the Forth language, or the game of chess.
- Ted Nelson
Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a
solution.
- Edward Teller
[In their report on _Life of Brian_]: Monty Python's usual
schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history
appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a
faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry
would be a very precarious faith indeed.
- The British Board Of Film Censors
If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school
metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, "Does it contain any
abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number?" No. "Does
it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of
fact and existence?" No. Commit it then to the flames: for it
can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.
- David Hume
You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door
because I'll be working pretty late on the secret of making
myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven
o'clock.
- S.J. Perelman
Girls who wear glasses have lots & lots of energy! -- Al on Qunatum Leap
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired. -- Robert Frost
Time and space can be a bitch. -- Gooshie on Quantum Leap
There is more to life than chocolate. Just not a whole lot more.
I know my mind.... and it's around here somewhere!!! 8)
No, we're never going to survive unless we get a little bit crazy--Seal
Don't wait for answers, just take your chances, don't ask me why--B.Joel
If you want me, you can find me, left of center, off of the strip.--Suzanne Vega
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
The death rate on Earth is: One per person.
I use not all the brains I have, but all the brains I can borrow.-W.Wilson
Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.--Al Bernstein
Love: 2 minds without a single thought.--Philip Barry
There is no intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting. :)
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.--Murphy's Law
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see-The Beatles
Faith is believing in things that common sense tells you not to.-G.Seaton
I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer--Indigo Girls
"My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark..."--Indigo Girls
"In a world that keeps on pushing me around, I won't back down."--T.Petty
"I know what's right...I got just one life..."-- Tom Petty
"You can stand me up at the gates of Hell, but I won't back down."--T.Petty
Why is it always due yesterday when tomorrow is already here??
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. 8)
"With friends like these... who needs hallucinations?"--Buddy on Night Court
My .sig loves me.
My .sig never lies.
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine... "--REM
Smile - people will wonder what you've been up to. :)
Have you hugged your .sig today?
Read my .sigs.
"She's fragile as a string of pearls... she's nobody's girl."--Bonnie Raitt
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting. - Alan Dean Foster
There are three kinds of memory--good, bad, and convenient.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.-Ehrlich
The meek shall inherit the Earth after the strong are done with it.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Is there life before death?
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.-SeanO'Casey
There are a lot of lies going around and half of them are true.-Churchill
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.-Santayana
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.-Cicero
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.-S.Dali
There's no future in time travel.
There's no thief like a bad book.--Italian Proverb
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
There are two kinds of egotists: those that admit it and the rest of us.
I'm not like other people. You see, pain hurts me.--Darkwing Duck
Facts are stupid things. -- Ronald Reagan
When it's dark enough, you can see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
People who don't read are brutes. -- Eugene Ionesco
--
The Shimmering Glimmer Jennifer Young [email protected]
"Now think of all the years you tried to/Find someone to satisfy you/I
might be as crazy as you say/If I'm crazy then it's true/That it's all
because of you/And you wouldn't want me any other way"--Billy Joel
Girls who wear glasses have lots & lots of energy! -- Al on Qunatum Leap
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Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 10:00:35 -0500
From: [email protected]
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
In-Reply-To:
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.
Cc:
Status: R
In article you write:
>Hello,
>
>Being somewhat of a collector-at-heart, I'd like to assemble a large number
>of famous (and infamous) quotes of all kinds.
>
>So, if you happen to have a file of such quotes, no matter how big or
>small, I'd like to receive it. Feel free to e-mail it to me, or other
>arrangements are also possible.
Heh heh heh...you asked for it!
Could I have copies of other lists people send you?
-----
This is the Quote List I have been compiling over the last few years.
Most of the errors are probably mine so feel free to blame me for them.
Suggestions, comments, and complaints should be sent to me at
[email protected]
Enjoy.
--Mike a.k.a. Weasel
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
* Mike Rosenberg | [email protected] *
* | [email protected] *
* "Weasel is not a nickname -- | [email protected] *
* it's a state of mind." | [email protected] *
* | [email protected] *
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
*"Ordinarily he was insane, but he |"He has the instinct for being unhappy *
* had lucid moments when he was | highly developed." *
* merely stupid. | H.H. Munro *
* Heinrich Heine | *
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
AMERICA
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel,
even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
Albert Einstein
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice
as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
H.L. Mencken
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
Richard M. Nixon
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
Frank Lloyd Wright
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
*******************************************************************
ART
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one
Stella Adler
Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into
his pictures.
Henry Ward Beecher
The poet ranks far below the painter in the representation of visible things,
and far below the musician in that of invisible things.
Leonardo DaVinci
Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and
have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are.
Henry Fielding
Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe
to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only
art matters, I do belive in Art for Art's sake.
E. M. Forster
Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom
Robert Frost
Art is a collarboration between God an the artist, and the less the artist
does the better.
Andre Gide
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
Paul Guaguin
You're an actor, are you? Well, all that means is: you are irresponsible,
irrational, romantic, and incapable of handling an adult emotion or a
universal concept without first reducing it to something personal, material,
sensational -- and probably sexual!
George Herman, _A Company of Wayward Saints_
The art of a people is a true mirror to their minds.
Jawaharial Nehru
But that's what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else
feels crummy.
The New Yorker
Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion.
Kate Reid
Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has
experienced.
Leo Tolstoy
Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of
immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before.
Edith Warton
I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always
to be out of step with his time.
Orson Welles, 1966
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
*******************************************************************
CHILDREN/YOUTH (See Marriage/Family)
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of
infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and
three from the remorse of age.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by
our children.
Clarence Darrow
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks
and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
*******************************************************************
COMPUTERS
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and
explode once a year killing everyone inside.
Robert Cringely/InfoWorld
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Orben's Current Comedy
Copmuters are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
*******************************************************************
CONSERVATIVE/LIBERAL
Of all the varieties of virtues, liberalism is the most beloved.
Aristotle
The modern definition of 'racist' is someone who is winning an argument with
a liberal.
Peter Brimelow, National Review (2/1/93)
Knee-jerk liberals and all the certified saints of sanctified humanism are
quick to condemn this great and much-maligned Transylvanian statesman.
William F. Buckley, Jr. "The Wit and Wisdom of Vlad the Impaler"
Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous, or when they are most
luxurious. They are conservatives after dinner.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
All conservatives are such from personal defects. They have been effeminated
by position or nature, born halt and blind, through luxury of their parents,
and can only, like invalids, act on the defensive.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Robert Frost
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral
philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for
selfishness.
John Kenneth Galbraith
What is conservativism? Is it not the aherence to the old and tried against
the new and untried?
Abraham Lincoln
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are
conservatives.
John Stuart Mill
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake, at the moment.
Willis Player
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned
to walk.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
Leo C. Rosten
The man for whom law exists -- the man of forms, the Conservative, is a tame
man.
Henry David Thoreau
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the
first time.
Alfred E. Wiggam
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
changing a single idea.
Robert Anton Wilson
A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal
who's been mugged.
*******************************************************************
DEATH
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of
underwear.
Woody Allen
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The
difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and
no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
Woody Allen
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
J.J. Furnas
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to stay dead that scares
the shit out of me.
R. Geis
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing
whatever to do with it.
W. Somerset Maughm
When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming
-- I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. "No, no, you want
the other Walter Slovotsky."
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards
with us.
Karl Cullinane, "The Silver Crown" by Joel Rosenberg
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
*******************************************************************
DECADENCE
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
Tallulah Bankhead
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring
the deadening effect of a habit.
W. Somerset Maugham
Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of
robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and sabbath-breaking, and
from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincey
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
Bart Simpson
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose
from.
Andres S. Tannenbaum
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty
sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
Mae West
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Mae West
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Bern Williams
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be
good.
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
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DESIRE
It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations.
Walter Bagehot, "Biographical Studies" 1863
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.
Alexander Graham Bell
Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire
William Blake
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp -- or what's a heaven for?
Robert Browning
You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which
is why God invented dental floss.
Susanne Kollrack
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy
for me.
Kugell
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Charlie McCarthy
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish.
Michelangelo
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Lane Olinghouse
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough
whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you REALLY want something,
try to want it a little less.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Sleeping Dragon" by Joel Rosenberg
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The
other is to gain it.
George Bernard Shaw
I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for
me do not tempt me.
George Bernard Shaw
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't
have that you wouldn't want
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an
electric fan.
*******************************************************************
ECONOMICS/MONEY/BUSINESS
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Frank Adams
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take
economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer
A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real
money.
Everett Dirksen
Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers (six if one went
to Harvard).
Edgar R. Fiedler
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
John Kenneth Galbraith
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty
I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is--I could be just as proud for
half the money.
Arthur Godfrey
The trick is to stop thinking it as `your' money.
IRS auditor
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
Karl Marx
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it
would have been much better.
Karl Marx's Mother
I am not an economist. I am an honsest man!
Paul McCracken
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
John H. Patterson
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted
yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.
H. V. Prochnow
I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire.
Lewis Timberlake
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
Mark Twain
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality
to be accountants.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
afterward.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
*******************************************************************
EDUCATION
Learning is finding out what you already know
Richard Bach
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish
their lack of understanding.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
John Ciardi
The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity
of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it afterwards.
Anatole France
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Ben Franklin
If you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed
you.
Robert F. Goheen
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
Hellen Keller
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
Laurence J. Peter
Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.
Charles Schulz
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and
art into pedantry. Hence University education.
George Bernard Shaw
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
Mark Twain
About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations.
*******************************************************************
EGO
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Tallulah Bankhead
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space
Diana Black
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
Henry Kissinger
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
Golda Meir
I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress
Jane Siberry
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
Mae West
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be
surprised to learn they're not it.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware
of it.
*******************************************************************
EXPERIENCE
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of
youth for those of age.
Ambrose Bierce
Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the
experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it.
Jimmy Connors
Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.
Heinrich Heine
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
F.P. Jones
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons
afterwards.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Trouble brings experience, and experience brings wisdom.
Experience is what you got by not having it when you need it.
*******************************************************************
FOOLS
Silence is the virtue of fools.
Francis Bacon
There's no fool like an old fool -- you can't beat experience.
Jacob Braude
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask reamins a
fool forever.
Old Chinese saying
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool
may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
Charles Caleb Colton
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old
fools.
Doug Larson
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.
Edsel Murphy
There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.
Niven's Law # 16
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill
the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer
As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty
may make a fool seem a man of sense.
Jonathan Swift
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
*******************************************************************
FRIENDS/ENEMIES
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other
fragile and precious thing.
Randolph S. Bourne
True friendship is never serene.
Marie de Rabutin-Chantal
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
Oscar Wilde
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are
trying to kill us.
Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it
is bad.
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that
subject.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*******************************************************************
FUTURE
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to
despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray
that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
Niels Bohr
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.
Benjamin Disraeli
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to
give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are
like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large
samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set
to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.
Alfred Hitchcock
The trouble with out times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Paul Valery
I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less
time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness
and respecting her seniority.
E.B. White
It is the business of the future to be dangerous; and it is among the merits
of science that it equips the future for its duties.
Alfred North Whitehead
*******************************************************************
HAPPINESS
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.
George Burns
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
Benjamin Disraeli
He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
H.H. Munro
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
*******************************************************************
HERO/LEGEND/VALOR
Legend--a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
H. L. Mencken
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and
a courageous person afterward.
Jean Paul Richter
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Will Rogers
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One: Get scared right away; avoid the rush.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of
energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
creamed?
Solomon Short
...the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is
before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet
it.
Thucydides
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became
heroes.
*******************************************************************
HISTORY/PAST
Even God cannot change the past.
Agathon
What is history but a fable agreed upon?
Napolean Bonaparte
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
Construction Digest
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and
always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times
like these.
Paul Harvey
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former
breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The
husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to
enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
Tom Robbins
Any event, once it has occurered, can be made to appear inevitable by a
competent historian.
Lee Simonson
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable
must Man be of learning from experience
George Bernard Shaw
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or
not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces
like this but we all have to do it.
Mark Twain
Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
Voltaire
History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.
Lord John Whorfin
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.
*******************************************************************
HUMOR
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer
and die.
Mel Brooks
We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh at all.
Jean de La Bruyere
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
Humor is a universal language.
Joel Goodman
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
Heisenberg
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit
of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Herodotus
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then
says them about other people.
Peter McArthur
Humor is our greatest natural resource.
James Thurber
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
Mort Walker
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part
of his body - the wishbone.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to
be amused.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
*******************************************************************
IMMORTALITY
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying.
Woody Allen
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Each life makes its own immitation of immortality.
Stephen King
When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal --
For a limited time
"Dreamline" -- Rush
*******************************************************************
KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM (see Mind/Intelligence)
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking
up something and finding something else on the way.
Franklin P. Adams
Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man
from trying.
Harry Anderson, "Night Court"
The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.
Richard Cecil
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
Confucius
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
Sacha Guitry
The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not
understand.
Frank Herbert
Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune
Nicholas Ling
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of
five.
Groucho Marx
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
William G. McAdoo
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
Montaigne
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in
it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove
lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but
also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain
Knowledge is soon changed, then lost in the mist, an echo half-heard.
Gene Wolfe
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise
at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach,
and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these
practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being
that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of
them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has
killed all the others who have tried it.
*******************************************************************
LANGUAGE
Language is a virus from outer space.
William S. Burroughs
>From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which
I will not put.
Winston Churchill
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?
Clarence Darrow
The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater
the profit.
Felelon
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
"Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave
danger they will be misinterpreted.
H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.
Rudyard Kipling
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their
children to speak it.
George Bernard Shaw
How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.
Herbert Spencer
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
A witty saying proves nothing
Voltaire
We dissect nature along lines laid down by our native language. Language is
not simply a reporting device for experience but a defining framework for it.
Benjamin Whorf
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*******************************************************************
LAST WORDS
Now comes the mystery.
Henry Ward Beecher, March 8, 1887
Friends applaud, the Comedy is over.
Ludwig von Beethoven
Goodbye, Everybody!
Hart Crane, poet, who committed suicide by jumping overboard during a
steamship voyage.
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath
of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across
the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Crowfoot, Blackfoot warior and orator, 1890
...the fog is rising
Emily Dickinson's last words
The nourishment is palatable.
Millard Fillmore
Dieu me pardonnera. C'est son mtier.
(God will forgive me. It's his job.)
Heinrich Heine
And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the
latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first
-- an attempted suicide.
Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Karl Marx to his housekeeper
Drink to me.
Pablo Picasso
Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---
General John B. Sedgwick, 1864
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Pancho Villa
I still live.
Daniel Webster
Go away...I'm alright.
H. G. Wells
Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Oscar Wilde
*******************************************************************
LAW
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Robert Frost
Justice is incidental to law and order.
J. Edgar Hoover
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
J. Edgar Hoover
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
Henry Kissinger
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
Erik Pepke
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our
idea of useless legislation.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles
away when it happened.
*******************************************************************
LIFE
A life without cause is a life without effect
Barbarella
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Bugs Bunny
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem
more afraid of life than death.
James F. Byrnes
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing pole.
Doug Larson
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
People find life entirely too time-consuming.
Stanislaw J. Lec
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
Mike Leonard
If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of
myself.
Mickey Mantle
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Kathy Norris
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have
rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Heidi Sandige
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner,
you have learned how to live.
Lin Yutang
What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to
enjoy it.
There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are increasing.
The living are getting rarer.
*******************************************************************
LOGIC/REASON
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
Lewis Carroll
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it,
she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
Goya
Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face,
what a sincere and logical mind discovers.
Rodan of Alexandria
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists
in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on
the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
Oscar Wilde
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
*******************************************************************
LOVE (See Sex)
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one
suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to
suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then,
is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one
must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Woody Allen
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but
among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W. H. Auden
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it
enkindles the great.
Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
Albert Einstein
There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when
they no longer love each other.
Francois, Duc de La Rouchefoucald
Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of
his personality
Victor Frankel
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
Robert Frost
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is a hole in the heart.
Ben Hecht
Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important.
Lisa Hoffman
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
Ken Kesey
Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the
species.
W. Somerset Maugham, "A Writer's Notebook" 1949
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H. L. Mencken
Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the
recognition.
Alexander Smith
Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man
is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
*******************************************************************
MARRIAGE/FAMILY (See Children/Youth)
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it
anyway.
Joey Adams
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.
Edward Albee
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is
more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to
time.
Honor de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage" 1829
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything:
familiarity.
Honor de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage" 1829
Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the double
bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we ahd to stop or our marriage
would have been wrecked.
Winston Churchill
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since
they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.
F. M. Knowles
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavran
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be
married too.
H. L. Mencken
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside equally desperate to get out.
Michel de Montaigne
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not
hereditary.
Thomas Paine
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
Mark Twain
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked `petite'
and hold on to the receipt.
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have children, but
there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at
how many re-enlist.
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together
if ever we had been married?
There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't,
and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like
a bank note, for two twenties.
*******************************************************************
MATH
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and
as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine
are still greater.
Albert Einstein
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
Goethe
Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a
beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture.
Bertrand Russell
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is trivial,
is trivially trivial.
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
M.C. Reed
This makes sense. This over here, this does not make sense. That's why I
called it algebra.
Trying to solve differential equations is a yourful aberration that you will
soon grow out of.
Nature abhors secord order differential equations.
Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is.
*******************************************************************
MIND/INTELLIGENCE (see Knowledge/wisdom)
95% of this game is half mental.
Yogi Berra
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Arthur C. Clarke
It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and
unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings.
Bronwyn Davies
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Thomas Dewar
There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And
I am unsure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong.
David Fasold
George was a great dunce, but no matter for that: all men do not thrive in
the world according to their learning.
Henry Fielding
Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
Colonel Flagg, MASH
That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling in itself.
Tom Gates
Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
Remy De Gourmant
Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers.
Robert Graves
Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original
dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine
on it, the more it will contract.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or
becomes true.
John Lilly
Like most intellectuals, he is imensely stupid.
Marquise de Merteuil
The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many
accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.
Ed Parker
If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to
understand it.
Emerson Pugh
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
George Bernard Shaw
The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions
-- which time and mediocrity can solve.
Hugh Trevor-Roper, "Men and Events"
The mind has exactly the same power as the hands: not merely to grasp the
world, but to change it.
Colin Wilson
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.
Woodrow Wilson
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means
that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its
limits.
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in
the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labor of
thinking.
If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as a man
and then compare the relative brain size, we know find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it WAS!
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
When a stupid person is doing something it is ashamed of, it always declares
that it is his job.
*******************************************************************
MISC
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life
forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
meeting.
Marvin, "Life, the Universe, and Everything" by Douglas Adams
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
Woody Allen
Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities.
Aristotle
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Walter Bagehot
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the
woman.
Honor de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage" 1829
A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
Barbarella
...once can imagine the government's problem. This is all pretty magical
stuff to them. If I were trying to terminate the operations of a witch
coven, I'd probably seize everything in sight. How would I tell the ordinary
household brooms from the getaway vehicles?
John Perry Barlow
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty
We have deep depth.
Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes.
Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by just watching.
Yogi Berra
A kiss is a rosy dot over the 'i' of loving.
Cyrano de Bergerac
There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy.
Ambrose Bierce
Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you
do not entertain.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state
religion.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from
you.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
Ashleigh Brilliant
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong
direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Ashleigh Brilliant
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Winston Churchill
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as
equals.
Winston Churchill
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
Winston Churchill
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill
It's a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
Winston Churchill
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
Miles Davis
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
Charles G. Dawes
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it
Gordon R. Dickson
Get your cut throat off my knife
Diane Diprima, "Nightmare Gallery"
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppresiion. It is in such
twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air--however slight-
-lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
W. O. Douglas
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's
useless.
Thomas Alva Edison
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason
for existing.
Albert Einstein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The
latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to
hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.
Albert Einstein
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the
source of all true art and science.
Albert Einstein
A signature always reveals a man's character--and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar
Only those who attempt the absurd...will achieve the impossible. I think
...I think it's in my basement...Let me go upstairs and check.
Escher
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to
be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.
Millicent Fenwick
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the
tail and face the situation
W. C. Fields
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
J. K. Galbraith
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
Willard Gaylin
A kiss: the anatomical juxtaposition of 2 orbicularis oris muslces in a
state of contraction.
Dr. Henry Gibbons
Lif is too short
Bart Gold
The truly proud man knows neither superiors or inferiors. The first he does
not admit of -- the last he does not concern himself about.
William Hazlitt
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
Robert Heinlein
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
D. J. Hicks
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not
very incriminating.
Alfred Hitchcock
The paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace the
hardcover book--it makes a very poor doorstop.
Alfred Hitchcock
I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as
in what direction we are moving; To reach the port of heaven, we must sail
sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it--but we must sail, and not
drift, nor lie at anchor.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
David Hull
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic
tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too."
Jake Johanson
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Brian W. Kernighan
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to
not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.
T. Lehrer
Nearly all men can stand adveristy, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln
It takes less time to do a thing right than explain why you did it wrong.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct,
or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction
of a new order to things.
N. Machiavelli
Every once in a while a film comes along. This is such a film.
Mad Magazine
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
H. L. Mencken
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
Vladimir Nabokov
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.
Nietzsche
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.
And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Nietzsche
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest
enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
Nietzsche
Nirvana or lasting enlightenment or true spiritual growth can be acheinved
only through persistent exercise of real love.
M. Scott Peck, M.D.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where
you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not
be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings...
Playboy, January 1983
A woman is like a tea bag--you can't tell how strong she is until you put her
in hot water.
Nancy Reagan
Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...So, do I feel intrinsically
better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!
Todd Andrew Reid
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
L. Rochefoucauld
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Karl Cullinane "The Silver Crown" by Joel Rosenberg
There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Warrior Lives" by Joel Rosenberg
Man tends to root for the underdog, because he fears that he will find
himself in that same position far too often.
Michael S. Rosenberg
If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.
Leo Rosten
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner...sulking and nausea.
Tom K. Ryan
Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.
George Santayana
I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
George Bernard Shaw
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing
George Bernard Shaw
Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.
Peter Sellers
A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid,
charity.
V.P. Skipper
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't
hittin'.
Casey Stengel
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to
read.
Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Mark Twain
Since the mind is specific biocomputer it needs specific instruction and
directions. The reason most people never reach their goals is that they
don't define them, learn about them, or even seriously consider them as
believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what
they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with
them.
Denis Waitley
I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist
in the present, which is what there is and all there is.
Alan Watts
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Oscar Wilde
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that
is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to
oneself.
Oscar Wilde
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely
fatal.
Oscar Wilde
In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there
is just one of it where there should be two.
People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor!
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes
a fool of him in twenty minutes.
...If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the
wrong impression.
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the
plain people is the stork.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
In place of infinity we usually put some really big number, like 15.
Anonymous Computer Science professor
The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do
for an encore.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her
confidence.
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you
can hang yourself with the cord.
...an eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death shall
be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading one, so
I woke up from sheer boredom.
Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*******************************************************************
MUSIC
In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies and at least four
miscarriages.
Sir Thomas Beecham -- on Bruckner's 7th symphony
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
Sir Thomas Beecham
I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.
Erin Cleary
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired
when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound
achieved by the pig.
Alfred Hitchcock
Without music life would be a mistake
Friedrich Nietzsche
Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.
Gioacchino Rossini
Wagner's music is better than it sounds
Mark Twain
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
*******************************************************************
OPTIMISM/PESSIMISM
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 1957
Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly,
everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ...
It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
Ambrose Bierce
I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want,
forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will.
Clint Eastwood
The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
Havelock Ellis
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist
fears it is true.
Robert Oppenheimer
A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists
*******************************************************************
POLITICS
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to
burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
William H. Borah
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
with income tax policies.
William F. Buckley
Diplomacy --- the art of saying "Nice doggie" 'til you can find a stick.
Wynn Catlin
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of givernment except all
the others that have been tried.
Winston Churchill
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
Arthur C. Clarke
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the
disastrous and the unpalatable.
John Kenneth Galbraith
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood.
Alexander Haig
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but
Congress can.
Cullen Hightower
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
Abbie Hoffman
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the
headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM
Lyndon B. Johnson
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
Napoleon
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country
choose a second rate president.
Richard M. Nixon
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men
in national government too.
Richard M. Nixon
If Communism goes, I've still got the U.S. House of Representatives.
Robert Novak
No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making
other bastards die for their country.
George Smith Patton
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will
get the blame.
Laurence J. Peter
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
Will Rogers
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Will Rogers
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've
been voting for boobs long enough.
Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud
what the country could do under first-class management.
Senator Soaper
Our elections are free--it's in the results where eventually we pay.
Bill Stern
A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a
leader.
Harry Truman
No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
Judge Gideon J. Tucker
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly
American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted
for President. One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen
more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
George Wallace
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains
a lamp and the friend of a politician.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many
people. They had to settle for what they could get.
There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things. Death and taxes come
to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators come
together.
Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on bugs.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
*******************************************************************
PROBLEM/SOLUTION
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Ashleigh Brilliant
When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how
to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not
beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Richard Buckminster Fuller
For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
H. L. Mencken
The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.
Alan Saporta
*******************************************************************
PROCRASTINATION
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Procrastination is the thief of time.
John Dos Pasos
The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
Nothing is really work unless you'd rather be doing something else.
*******************************************************************
RELIGION
To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side
of the case. God has written all the books.
Samuel Butler
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create
him.
Arthur C. Clarke
I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure
of.
Clarence Darrow
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with
our frail and feeble mind.
Albert Einstein
I want to know all Gods thoughts...all the rest are just details.
Albert Einstein
I could prove God statistically.
George Gallup
Who says I am not under the special protection of God?
Adolf Hitler
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
Alfred Jarry
In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him.
"Aqualung" - Jethro Tull
The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world
ugly and bad.
Nietzsche
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist
Michael Patton
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
Alan J. Perlis, "Epigrams of Programming"
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
George Bernard Shaw
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
I believe in god, I just don't like him.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
*******************************************************************
SANITY
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.
Aristotle
Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full
responsibility for me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine
It's great to be young and insane.
Michael Keaton, "Dream Team"
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond resonable doubt.
Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always
worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen
*******************************************************************
SCIENCE
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the
study of carbon compounds that crawl.
Mike Adams
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but "That's funny..."
Isaac Asimov
When the lay public rallies round to an idea that is denounced by
distinguished by elderly scientists and supports the idea with great fervour
and emotion, the distinguished but elderly scientests are then, after all,
right.
Isaac Asimov
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and
springs, and believes it civilization.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and
Saturday.
Sir William Bragg
The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to
discover new ways of thinking about them.
Sir William Bragg
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic,
we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One
mihgt as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the
mathematics of probability.
Vannevar Bush
As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise,
human science is at a loss.
Noam Chomsky
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Robert R. Coveyou
It has been a bitter moritification for me to digest the conclusion that the
'race is for the strong' and that I shall probably do little more but be
content to admire the strides others made in science.
Charles Darwin
The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one
graveyard to another.
J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 1945
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
Thomas Edison
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
Robert Heinlein
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the
later only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods
differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and
thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
Thomas Henry Huxley
The great tragedy of Science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an
ugly fact.
Thomas Henry Huxley
Scientists are the easiest to fool. They think in straight, predictable,
directable, and therefore misdirectable, lines. The only world they know is
the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they
appear to be. Children and conjurors -- they terrify me. Scientists are no
problem; against them I feel quite confident.
Zambendorf, _Code of the Lifemaker_ by James P. Hogan
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Immanuel Kant
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise
require harder thinking.
Jerome Lettvin
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
Louis Pasteur
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
E. Rutherford
Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.
Carrie P. Snow
Evolution...is--a change from an indefinite homogeneity, to a definite
coherent heterogeneity.
Herbert Spencer
Science is organized knowledge.
Herbert Spencer
Discovery consits in seeing what everone else has seen and thinking what no
one else has thought.
Albert Szent-Gyorgi
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Mark Twain
The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a
torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an
oracle, is inborn in us.
Paul Vale'ry, 1895
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Wernher von Braun
Gyroscope, n.:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to
rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis
of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes
results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning
and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the
axis of spin.
Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*******************************************************************
SELF
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours
Richard Bach
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of
lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
Montaigne
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
Kurt Vonnegut
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
*******************************************************************
SEX (see Love)
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
I don't mind where people make love, so long as they don't do it in the
street and frighten the horses.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Joseph Fischer
I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and
jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
Billy Joel
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
Samuel Johnson
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. . . the other eight are
unimportant.
Herny Miller
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
Francoise Sagan
Slovotsky's Law number Twenty-Three: Trouble with you Jewish girls is that
your desire to DO is in inverse proportion to your willingness to TALK about
it.
Walter Slovotsky, "The Sleeping Dragon" by Joel Rosenberg
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Swami X
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
Voltaire
If you are ever in an S&M relationship, make damn sure you are the S.
Someone's mother to them
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or
how long it will last.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is sex.
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad,
it's still pretty good.
Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily.
*******************************************************************
SEXIST
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no
one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't
have what it takes."
Clare Boothe Luce
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry
later; for another thing they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken
I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
George Meredith
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
Marilyn Monroe
If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexaul apparatus is
malfunctioning.
Nietzsche
If you go to see the woman, do not forget the whip.
Nietzsche
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
Cornelia Otis Skinner
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a
woman.
Margaret Thatcher
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
Virginia Woolf
*******************************************************************
STATISTICS
I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first
lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of
infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was
Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.
Winston Churchill
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of
ten it will.
Paul Harvey News, 1979
Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they
conceal is vital.
Aaron Levenstein
50% of this country's schoolchildren have IQ's below average. Under our
education policy, we can turn that around!
New Zealand National Pary candidate's campaign statement
49% of all statistics . . . are wrong.
Statistics Canada 1985
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.
50% of the high school graduates in this country graduated in the bottom half
of their class.
50% of the citizens of this country have a below average understanding of
statistics.
49% of the U.S. population belongs to some minority group.
82.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
*******************************************************************
SUCCESS/FAILURE
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
Charles Brower
If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it
made.
Jean Gieraudoux
If you wish to be a sucess in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
Napoleon
It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
*******************************************************************
TIME
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen
Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women
pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
Wernher von Braun
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Jon Lithgow
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want
Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
*******************************************************************
TRUTH
Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.
Matthew Arnold
Defending the truth is not something one does out of a sense of duty or to
allay guilt complexes, but is a reward in itself.
Peter Bechmann
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the
truth.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Winston Churchill
It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an
exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
Stephen King
It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away,
I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling.
Robert M. Pirsig
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
Harry Truman
Honesty is the best policy; but he who is governed by that maxim is not an
honest man.
Richard Whately, Archbishop of Dublin
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a
falsehood, isn't it?
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by
children.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know
how to lie well.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
*******************************************************************
UNIVERSE/NATURE
There is a theory that state: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for
it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizzarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened..."
Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether
I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
Chang-tzu
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
Albert Einstein
God does not play dice with the universe.
Albert Einstein
It has always seemed to me extreme presumptuousness on the part of those who
want to make human ability the measure of what nature can and knows how to
do, since, when one comes down to it, there is not one effect in nature, no
matter how small, that even the most speculative minds can fully understand.
Galileo Galilei
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier
It is my supposition that the Universe in not only queerer than we imagine,
is queerer than we CAN imagine.
J.B.S. Haldane
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it as
it is and why it exists as all.
Stephen Hawking
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it unfriendly. It is simply
indifferent.
Rev. John H. Holmes
The chess board is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe,
the rules of the game are what we call the laws of Nature. The player on the
other side is hidden from us. We know that his play is always fair, just and
patient. But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake,
or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance.
Thomas Henry Huxley
The farther it gets from the bench it was worked on, the more real the real
world becomes.
Todd Johnson
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind
to correlate all its contents.
H. P. Lovecraft
You don't fuck around with the infinite
Mean Streets
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything
else in the universe.
John Muir (1838-1914)
For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all
in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and
infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their
beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He
is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and
the infinite in which he is engulfed.
Blaise Pascal
The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that
lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the
grace of tragedy.
Steven Weinberg
Reality is good for you...in small doses.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
*******************************************************************
WORDS
Aischbedellazouchecastleabbe
-title of song (Ash forest by the bridge next to the Castle Abbe)
Artiformologicalintactitudinarianisminist
-one who studies 4-5 letter latin prefixes and suffixes
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a
-the state fish of Hawaii (Reef Trigger Fish)
Kardivilliwarrakurrakurrieapparlandoo
-name of a lake in Northern Australia
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.)
*******************************************************************
WRITING
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested
solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that
writing didn't require any.
Russell Baker
The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which
the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost
all sense and meaning.
Winston S. Churchill
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
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Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 09:13:27 PDT
From: [email protected] (Bill Gascoyne)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Status: R
You asked for it, here it comes:
%1000
Trouble rather the tiger in his lair than the sage amongst his books;
for to you kingdoms and their armies are things mighty and enduring, but to him
they are but toys of the moment, to be overturned by the flicking of a finger.
GORDON DICKSON, "THE TACTICS OF MISTAKE"
%1001
Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.
CLARKE'S THIRD LAW
%1002
Everything should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1003
There ain't no sense worrying about what you can control, because
if you can control it, there ain't no sense worrying about it, and
there ain't no sense worrying about what you can't control, because
if you can't control it, there ain't no sense worrying about it.
MICKEY RIVERS
%1004
We have met the enemy, and they is us.
POGO (WALT KELLY)
%1005
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
JIMMY BUFFET
%1006
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
JOHN LENNON
%1007
A little patience goes a long way.
Too much patience goes nowhere.
ANONYMOUS
%1008
It is better to laugh about your problems than to cry about them.
OLD JEWISH PROVERB
%1009
Nothing is foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
ANONYMOUS
%1010
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations,
if you live near him.
J.R.R. TOLKIEN
%1011
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you'll look forward to the trip.
ANONYMOUS
%1012
Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when his neck is out.
DR. JAMES B. CONANT, HARVARD UNIV. PRESIDENT
%1013
Don't claim that you know everything-
besides not being true,
it's very irritating
to those of us who do.
ANONYMOUS
%1014
We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
ANONYMOUS
%1015
I've got to start acting more sensible--TOMORROW!
SNOOPY (CHARLES SCHULTZ)
%1016
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
MESKIMEN'S LAW
%1017
I'm sick and tired of this machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.
ANONYMOUS
%1018
Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language
for no reason at all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason.
ANONYMOUS
%1019
Practice does not make perfect;
perfect practice makes perfect.
VINCE LOMBARDI
%1020
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
ANONYMOUS
%1021
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
J.R.R. TOLKIEN
%1022
Alas, "should" is not "would".
ANONYMOUS
%1023
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to log off or run the program.
ANONYMOUS
%1024
Scientists study the world as it is,
engineers create the world that never has been.
THEODORE VON KARMAN
%1025
Chance favors only the prepared mind.
LOUIS PASTEUR
%1026
Everybody is ignorant, only in different subjects.
WILL ROGERS
%1027
To think is to differ.
CLARENCE DARROW
%1028
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1029
An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously.
CHARLES F. KETTERING
%1030
Common sense is not so common.
VOLTAIRE
%1031
Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them.
ANONYMOUS
%1032
You can observe a lot just by watching.
YOGI BERRA
%1033
I am a great believer in luck.
The harder I work, the more of it I seem to have.
COLEMAN COX
%1034
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
RALPH HODGSON
%1035
There are no foolish questions, and no man has become a fool
until he stops asking questions.
CHARLES P. STEINMETZ
%1036
Seek simplicity, and distrust it.
ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD
%1037
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things
that escape those who dream only at night.
EDGAR ALLAN POE
%1038
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
BISHOP RICHARD CUMBERLAND
%1039
There are two kinds of failures: the man who will do
nothing he is told, and the man who will do nothing else.
PERLE THOMPSON
%1040
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
SATCHEL PAIGE
%1041
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1042
A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one.
He would have to ask an engineer to do it for him.
GORDON L. GLEGG
%1043
A great many people think they are thinking
when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
EDWARD R. MURROW
%1044
An engineer is an unordinary person who can do for one dollar
what any ordinary person can do for two dollars.
ANONYMOUS
%1045
Use logic to decide between alternatives, not to initiate them.
ANONYMOUS
%1046
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
HENRY CLAY
%1047
Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all.
SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1048
He who will not reason, is a bigot;
He who cannot, is a fool;
And he who dares not, is a slave.
WILLIAM DRUMMOND
%1049
Money is a stupid measurement of achievement but
unfortunately it is the only universal measurement we have.
CHARLES P. STEINMETZ
%1050
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboard falls,
I'll never see a tree at all.
OGDEN NASH
%1051
The man who graduates today and stops learning tomorrow
is uneducated the day after.
NEWTON D. BAKER
%1052
Education is what you have left over after
you have forgotten everything you have learned.
ANONYMOUS
%1053
A child is highly creative
until he starts to school.
STANLEY CZURLES
%1054
The test of tolerance comes when we are in a majority;
The test of courage comes when we are in a minority.
RALPH W. STOCKMAN
%1055
"I must do something" will always solve more problems
than "something must be done".
ANONYMOUS
%1056
.......but the breadboard worked
ANONYMOUS CUSTOMER
.......but your salesman said...........
ANONYMOUS CUSTOMER
%1057
O sibili si ergo
Fortibusis in ero
Nobili demis trux
Sevatis enim
Cousendux
ANONYMOUS
%1058
Although a wise man might urge that one suffer fools gladly, this
should not be construed as a license for any fool to demand that one do so.
FREDRICK WILLIAM KANTOR
%1059
Knowledge is the only instrument of production
that is not subject to diminishing returns.
J.M. CLARKE
%1060
When you lose your power to laugh,
you lose your power to think straight.
JEROME LAWRENCE & ROBERT E. LEE
%1061
The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone:
the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1062
Common sense is that layer of prejudices
which we acquire before we are sixteen.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1063
Science is nothing but developed perception,
interpreted intent, common sense rounded out and minutely articulated.
GEORGE SANTAYANA
%1064
If we do not permit the earth to produce beauty and joy,
it will not produce food either.
JOSEPH WOOD KRUTCH
%1065
Order and creativity are complimentary.
LEWIS MUMFORD
%1066
No doubt equality of goods is just; but, being unable to cause might to obey
justice, men have made it just to obey might. Unable to strengthen justice,
they have justified might; so that the just and the strong might unite,
and there would be peace, which is the sovereign good.
PASCAL
%1067
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
ELBERT HUBBARD
%1068
Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight.
THOMAS CARLYLE
%1069
The important thing is never to stop questioning.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1070
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible,
he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible,
he is most probably wrong.
CLARKE'S FIRST LAW
%1071
The feeble minded are people who know the truth, but only affirm it as
consistent with their own interests. Apart from that, they denounce it.
PASCAL
%1072
There is no one cause more mysterious than another, if we look into it.
LEIGH HUNT
%1073
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1074
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder
and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1075
The great political tugs of the past 35 years
have concerned the distribution of the golden eggs.
In the 1980's and 1990's we must focus on the health of the goose.
PAUL TSONGAS
%1076
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt to people we personally dislike.
OSCAR WILDE
%1077
How wonderful that we have met with a paradox.
Now we have some hope of making progress.
NIELS BOHR
%1078
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
G.K. CHESTERTON
%1079
He who knows nothing, loves nothing.
He who can do nothing understands nothing.
He who understands nothing is worthless.
PARACELSUS
%1080
There are two ways to slide easily through life;
to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
ALFRED KORZYBSKI
%1081
Cream rises to the top. So does fat.
KELVIN THROOP III
%1082
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
%1083
Yes quaint and curious war is,
You shoot a fellow down;
You'd treat if met where any bar is
Or help to half a crown.
?
%1084
Here lies a toppled god;
His fall was not a small one.
We did but build his pedestal--
A narrow and a tall one.
TLEILAXU EPIGRAM
FRANK HERBERT, "DUNE MESSIAH"
%1085
What does it avail a man to gain a fortune and lose his soul?
JIMMY MESSINA, from the Bible
%1086
Sometimes work comes from inspiration,
but more often inspiration comes from work.
ANONYMOUS
%1087
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
W.C. FIELDS
%1088
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member
of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others.
His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant.
JOHN STUART MILL, "ON LIBERTY"
%1089
But let your communications be Yea,yea; nay,nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
MATTHEW 5:37
%1090
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
%1091
Parties who want milk should not seat themselves on a stool
in the middle of a field in hope that the cow will back up to them.
ELBERT HUBBARD
%1092
We shape our buildings, and forever afterwards our buildings shape us.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1093
We don't inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.
DAVID BROWER
%1094
The world is very different now. For man holds in his
mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty...
JOHN F. KENNEDY
%1095
All good things which exist are the fruits of originality.
JOHN STUART MILL
%1096
Greater than the tread of mighty armies is the idea whose time has come.
VICTOR HUGO
%1097
Creativity is the art of taking a fresh look at old knowledge.
ANONYMOUS
%1098
Important ideas are those that lie within the allowable scope of nature's laws.
ANONYMOUS
%1099
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose
the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
%1100
Observation, not age, brings wisdom.
ANONYMOUS
%1101
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
PLUTARCH
%1102
The probability is that tomorrow will not be an extrapolation of today.
ERNEST C. ARBUCKLE
%1103
You may not, cannot, appropriate beauty.
It is the wealth of the eye, and a cat may gaze upon the king.
THEODORE PARKER
%1104
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact.
GEORGE ELLIOT
%1105
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
CADMAN
%1106
Money never starts an idea; it is the idea that starts the money.
W.J. CAMERON
%1107
The highest use of capital is not to make more money,
but to make money do more for the betterment of life.
HENRY FORD
%1108
If an army of monkeys were strumming on typewriters,
they MIGHT write all the books in the British museum.
SIR ARTHUR EDDINGTON
%1109
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea
hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it.
ANONYMOUS
%1110
The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
DOUG LARSON
%1111
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
ABRAHAM MASLOW
%1112
Every adult needs a child to teach;
it's the way adults learn.
FRANK A. CLARK
%1113
The hours that make us happy make us wise.
JOHN MASEFIELD
%1114
Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.
A.A. LATIMER
%1115
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
VICTOR HUGO
%1116
The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides,
never decides.
HENRI FREDRIC AMIEL
%1117
By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
VOLTAIRE
%1118
One of the advantages of being disorderly is
that one is constantly making new discoveries.
A. A. MILNE
%1119
It is not doing the thing we like to do,
but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.
GOETHE
%1120
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
MARK TWAIN
%1121
School is a building that has four walls-
with tomorrow inside.
LON WATTERS
%1122
I believe that genius is an infinite capacity
for taking life by the scruff of the neck.
CHRISTOPHER QUILL
%1123
In the long run the pessimist may be right,
but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
DANIEL L. REARDON
%1124
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
TOM STOPPARD
%1125
The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery.
MARK VAN DOREN
%1126
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
MAE WEST
%1127
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
FRANKLIN P. JONES
%1128
On the whole, human beings want to be good,
but not too good, and not quite all the time.
GEORGE ORWELL
%1129
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
WODDY ALLEN
%1130
In matters of principal, stand like a rock,
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
%1131
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong."
This method works every time.
HENRY C. LINK
%1132
Success is a journey, not a destination.
BEN SWEETLAND
%1133
In the pursuit of happiness,
the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught up.
R.H. GRENVILLE
%1134
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly
is to fill the world with fools.
HERBERT SPENCER
%1135
'Tis the mark of an instructed mind to rest assured
with that degree of precision that the nature of the subject admits,
and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible.
ARISTOTLE
%1136
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
YOGI BERRA
%1137
Thousands of engineers can design bridges.....,but the great
engineer is the man who can tell whether the bridge.....should be built at all.
EUGENE C. GRACE
%1138
We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.
TITUS LIVIUS
%1139
It's amazing what ordinary people can do
if they set out without preconceived notions.
CHARLES F. KETTERING
%1140
Habit is a cable;
we weave a thread of it each day, and at last we cannot break it.
HORACE MANN
%1141
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish.
MICHELANGELO
%1142
Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward;
they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
GOETHE
%1143
If you want to kill an idea, assign it to a committee for study.
ANONYMOUS
%1144
Nature never deceives us; it is always we who deceive ourselves.
JEAN JAQUES ROUSEAU
%1145
The engineer's first problem in any design situation
is to discover what the problem really is.
ANONYMOUS
%1146
We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts.
JOHN DEWEY
%1147
Watch your step when you immediately know the one way to do anything.
Nine times out of ten, there are several better ways.
W. B. GIVENS, JR.
%1148
Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve.
JULES VERNE
%1149
Originality is just a fresh pair of eyes.
W. WILSON
%1150
Mathematics is the queen of the sciences.
CARL FRIEDRICH GAUSS
%1151
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.
JAMES THURBER
%1152
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
OSCAR WILDE
%1153
There is one rule for the industrialist and that is: Make the best quality of
goods possible at the lowest cost possible, paying the highest wages possible.
HENRY FORD
%1154
In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most,
it is the honest man who doesn't know what he is doing.
OWEN D. YOUNG
%1155
It is a socialist idea that making profits is a vice.
I consider the real vice is making losses.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1156
Aluminum was once a precious metal.
JULES VERNE
%1157
One of the cheapest ways to design something is not to design it at all.
GORDON L. GLEGG
%1158
The world is divided into people who do things as they are,
and those who do things as they ought to be.
STOWE
%1159
Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.
JOAQUIN de SETANTI
%1160
The difficulty in life is the choice.
GEORGE MOORE
%1161
It's got to be the goin',
Not the gettin' there that's good.
HARRY CHAPIN
%1162
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.
NIELS BOHR
%1163
Better is the enemy of good enough.
ANONYMOUS
%1164
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come again.
ANONYMOUS
%1165
Hope: Mistaking desire for probability.
ANONYMOUS
%1166
Most of the change we think we see in life
is due to truths being in and out of favor.
ROBERT FROST, "THE BLACK COTTAGE"
%1167
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
KELVIN THROOP III
%1168
I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand,
as in what direction we are moving; To reach the port of heaven, we must sail
sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it--but we must sail, and not
drift, nor lie at anchor.
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
%1169
Witchcraft always has a hard time,
until it becomes respectable and changes its name.
CHARLES FORT
%1170
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1171
Indifference is isolation. In difference is texture and wonder.
EDWIN SCHLOSSBERG
%1172
The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.
HENRI BERGSON
%1173
If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule
can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage.
As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1174
Change is one thing, progress is another.
"Change" is scientific, "progress" is ethical;
change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy.
BERTRAND RUSSEL, "UNPOPULAR ESSAYS"
%1175
A strong conviction that something must be done
is the parent of many bad measures.
DANIEL WEBSTER
%1176
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
HENRI BERGSON
%1177
There is no such thing as a functional illiterate.
KELVIN THROOP
%1178
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
G.K. CHESTERTON
%1179
The real world is not user-friendly.
KELVIN THROOP
%1180
Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
OSCAR WILDE
%1181
Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backward.
KIERKEGAARD
%1182
It's what you learn after you think you know it all that counts.
EARL WEAVER
%1183
The aim of education is the wise use of leisure.
ARISTOTLE
%1184
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs,
even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor
spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in
the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
%1185
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1186
To stimulate creativity, one must develop the childlike inclination
for play and the childlike desire for recognition.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1187
In matters of belief, he who is absolutely sure he is right
is almost certainly dead wrong.
KELVIN THROOP
%1188
More persons on the whole are humbugged
by believing nothing than by believing too much.
PHINEAS T. BARNUM
%1189
The Earth is the cradle of human civilization,
but one cannot live in the cradle forever.
KONSTANTIN TSIOLKOVSKII
%1190
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
HONORE' de BALZAC
%1191
Until now, I had never realized what beauty water adds to a river.
MARK TWAIN, ON ALBUQUIRQUE
%1192
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEPHEN WRIGHT
%1193
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from religious convictions.
PASCAL
%1194
Blaming "society" makes it awfully easy for a person of weak character
to shrug off his own responsibility for his actions.
STANLEY SCHMIDT
%1195
Ultimately what's most lasting are those intimate moments that are so fleeting.
Those magical, mystical moments where a man leaves himself and becomes one with
another person. There is no witness except the person you shared it with--
a woman, a child, another man. I think if you stacked all those tender moments
head to head, if you get out of life with 27 minutes like that, you're probably
way ahead.
LEE MARVIN
%1196
Success is what people settle for when they can't
think of anything noble enough to be worth failing at.
LAURENCE SHAMES
%1197
All women grow up to be like their mothers.
That is their tragedy. No men do. That is theirs.
OSCAR WILDE
%1198
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system
is that the fool attacks more unpredictably and on a broader front.
GUMMIGES LAWS OF COMPUTING
%1199
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1200
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities.
The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly
submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his
intelligence.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1201
For every complex problem, there is a solution that's
simple, straightforward -- and wrong.
H.L. MENCKEN
%1202
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
GRACE HOPPER
%1203
If it's never finished, you can't prove it doesn't work.
JEFF BROWN, ARGOSYSTEMS
%1204
Never leave an enemy behind or it will rise again to fly at your throat.
SHAKA ZULU
%1205
I hold that man is in the right who is most closely in league with the future.
HEINRIK IBSEN
%1206
There is a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood
leads on to fortune.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
%1207
When the doors of perception are cleansed,
man will see things as they truly are, infinite.
WILLIAM BLAKE
%1208
Cogito ergo sum.
DESCARTE
%1209
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember
that your objective was to drain the swamp.
ANONYMOUS
%1210
Nature has given man one tongue and two ears,
that we may hear twice as much as we speak.
EPICTETUS
%1211
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts
when you have forgotten your aim.
GEORGE SANTAYANA
%1212
The religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1213
It is better to debate a question without settling it
than to settle a question without debating it.
JOSEPH JOUBERT
%1214
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
%1215
As you believe, so it is for you.
RICHARD BACH
%1216
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe
while the legislature is in session.
JUDGE GIDEON J. TUCKER
%1217
I can resist anything, except temptation.
OSCAR WILDE
%1218
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
BERT WHITNEY
%1219
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
MARK TWAIN
%1220
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1221
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
BILL HOEST
%1222
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
TROTSKY
%1223
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to reform.
MARK TWAIN
%1224
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1225
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity,
and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
JOSEPH HELLER
%1226
Justice is incidental to law and order.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
%1227
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
JOE WALSH
%1228
Companies should spend money keeping ahead of the competition, not suing it.
JON TITUS
%1229
Diplomacy -- the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a stick.
WYNN CATLIN
%1230
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
BELLAMY BROOKS
%1231
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
CHARLIE MCCARTHY
%1232
Hindsight is an exact science.
ANONYMOUS
%1233
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1234
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity;
and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their colour.
VOLTAIRE
%1235
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
ANONYMOUS
%1236
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
H.L. MENCKEN
%1237
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. ** There's so little hope for advancement.
SNOOPY (CHARLES SCHULTZ)
%1238
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
OSCAR WILDE
%1239
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
should on no account be allowed to do the job.
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
%1240
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. FIELDS
%1241
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
ART HOPPE
%1242
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH
%1243
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
OGDEN NASH
%1244
POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
MARTIN PITT
%1245
Hell is a city much like London--A populous and smoky city.
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLY, 1819
%1246
The sky is the daily bread of the eyes.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1247
Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation and in cold
weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.
LEONARDO DA VINCI
%1248
Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than constricts it.
ANONYMOUS
%1249
In nature's infinite book of secrecy
A little I can read.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
%1250
Beauty, like supreme dominion,
Is but supported by opinion.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, POOR RICHARD'S ALMANAC, 1741
%1251
Only fools and dead men don't change their minds.
Fools won't. Dead men can't.
JOHN H. PATTERSON
%1252
Great is the art of beginning, but greater the art of ending...
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
%1253
Men are more apt to be mistaken in their generalizations
than in their particular observations.
MACHIAVELLI
%1254
Everyone complains of his memory, but no one complains of his judgement.
DUC DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
%1255
The justification of private profit is private risk.
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
%1256
Many times an economical design with a predictable life is superior
to an expensive design with an indefinite life...
GORDON L. GLEGG
%1257
The laws of probability, so true in general, so fallacious in particular.
EDWARD GIBBON
%1258
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
BIERCE
%1259
Justice: A decision in your favor.
ANONYMOUS
%1260
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
ANONYMOUS
%1261
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
ANDREW W. MATHIS
%1262
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
It is because we are not the person involved.
MARK TWAIN
%1263
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
MARK TWAIN
%1264
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
%1265
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
%1266
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
ERIC HOFFER
%1267
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1268
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
HANLON'S RAZOR
%1269
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
LILY TOMLIN
%1270
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud
what the country could do under first-class management.
SENATOR SOAPER
%1271
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
VAN ROY'S LAW
%1272
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
WOODY ALLEN
%1273
He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.
JOHN STUART MILL
%1274
Genius might be described as a supreme capacity
for getting it's possessors into trouble of all kinds.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1275
Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.
CULLEN HIGHTOWER
%1276
What is more mortifying than to feel that you have missed the plum
for want of courage to shake the tree?
LOGAN PEARSALL SMITH
%1277
A stepping-stone can be a stumbling block
if we can't see it until after we have tripped over it.
CULLEN HIGHTOWER
%1278
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
ANATOLE FRANCE
%1279
No object is mysterious. The mystery is in your eye.
ELIZABETH BOWEN
%1280
Beware of the man of one book.
ST. THOMAS AQUINAS
%1281
We changed with the times, so we can't blame the children
for just joining the times without even having to change.
WILL ROGERS
%1282
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up
plowing for those who kept their swords.
ANONYMOUS
%1283
I have never found, in a long experience of politics, that
criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
HAROLD MACMILLAN
%1284
Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
H.L. MENCKEN
%1285
A failure is not always a mistake; it may simply be the
best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.
B.F. SKINNER
%1286
The endeavor to understand is the first and only basis of virtue.
BARUCH SPINOZA
%1287
Science is always simple and always profound.
It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1288
We keep, in science, getting a more and more sophisticated view
of our essential ignorance.
WARREN WEAVER
%1289
To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream,
not only plan but also believe.
ANATOLE FRANCE
%1290
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
CULLEN HIGHTOWER
%1291
Modern science has imposed on humanity the necessity for wandering.
ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD
%1292
Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men.
JEAN ROSTAND
%1293
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
JOHN GALSWORTHY
%1294
You can't depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus.
MARK TWAIN
%1295
Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not.
In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER
%1296
Though many have tried, no one has ever yet explained away the decisive fact
that science, which can do so much, cannot decide what it ought to do.
JOSEPH WOOD KRUCH
%1297
Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.
WALT WHITMAN
%1298
Space is to place what eternity is to time.
JOSEPH JOUBERT
%1299
The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with truths for which
Archimedes would have sacrificed his life.
ERNEST RENAN
%1300
Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone.
MARK TWAIN
%1301
If you chose to dance with a bear, don't stop when you get tired.
OLD RUSSIAN PROVERB
%1302
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--Did you ever try buying then without money?
OGDEN NASH
%1303
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1304
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself
as part of the problem.
DUCHARM'S AXIOM
%1305
A university is what a college becomes
when the faculty loses interest in students.
JOHN CIARDI
%1306
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
OSCAR WILDE
%1307
The superfluous is very necessary.
VOLTAIRE
%1308
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
JULES DE GAULTIER
%1309
I'm too tired to distinguish truth from reality.
KEN HERRITY
%1310
Idiot, n.:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1311
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
MARK TWAIN
%1312
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
ANONYMOUS
%1313
He who Laughs, Lasts.
ANONYMOUS
%1314
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
ANONYMOUS
%1315
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
WALT KELLY
%1316
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
ANONYMOUS
%1317
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
ANONYMOUS
%1318
It's not the size of the dog in the fight that counts,
but rather the size of the fight in the dog.
DWIGHT EISENHOWER
%1319
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
VOLTAIRE
%1320
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
LEWIS CARROLL
%1321
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper
when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
OSCAR WILDE
%1322
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
ANONYMOUS
%1323
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
ANONYMOUS
%1324
Every successful person has had failures
but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
ANONYMOUS
%1325
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1326
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
ANONYMOUS
%1327
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
HERBERT PROCHNOW
%1328
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as 'n' tasks.
GRAY'S LAW OF PROGRAMMING
'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
LOGG'S REBUTTAL TO GRAY'S LAW
%1329
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
PARKER'S LAW
%1330
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
NAESER'S LAW
%1331
People who have what they want are very fond
of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
OGDEN NASH
%1332
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
VOLTAIRE
%1333
Ninety percent of everything is crud.
STURGEON'S LAW
%1334
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
OSCAR WILDE
%1335
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1336
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
RULE OF DEFACTUALIZATION
%1337
The advancement of the arts, from year to year, taxes our credulity and
seems to presage the arrival of that period when human improvement must end.
HENRY ELSWORTH, US PATENT OFFICE, 1844
%1338
Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions.
They're a lot easier to deal with than dumb mistakes.
ANONYMOUS
%1339
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
ANONYMOUS
%1340
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to
live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success in common hours.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
%1341
Every engineer should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
RONAN CULLEN
%1342
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
The realist adjusts the sails.
WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
%1343
A faith-holder puts himself below his faith and lets it guide his actions.
The fanatic puts himself above it and uses it as an excuse for his actions.
GORDON DICKSON, "CHANTRY GUILD"
%1344
It's not whether you win or loose, it's how you lay the blame.
ANONYMOUS
%1345
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
MARK TWAIN
%1346
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
OLIVER'S LAW
%1347
1) When in charge, ponder.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in doubt, mumble.
BOREN'S LAWS
%1348
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
LACKLAND'S LAWS
%1349
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1350
Sales: Mistaking desire for profitability.
SIMON FAVRE
%1351
The morning sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass,
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you, my friends --- drink hearty!
ANONYMOUS
%1352
Because it's there!
GEORGE MOWRY, ON WHY HE CLIMBED MOUNTAINS
%1353
All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear
and disregards the rest.
PAUL SIMON
%1354
There comes a time in every man's life at lease once,
and I've had plenty of them.
CASEY STENGLE
%1355
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched
to everything else in the universe.
JOHN MUIR
%1356
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
WERNHER VON BRAUN
%1357
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F.P. JONES
%1358
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for
it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizaarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
DOUGLAS ADAMS, "THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY"
%1359
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEPHEN WRIGHT
%1360
Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.
JAVIER PASCUAL SALCEDO
%1361
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please
because nobody tries to please him.
BIERCE
%1362
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
JOHN O'HARA
%1363
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
ANONYMOUS
%1364
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
ANONYMOUS
%1365
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
ANONYMOUS
%1366
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
ANONYMOUS
%1367
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
H.L. MENCKEN
%1368
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
HERBERT HOOVER
%1369
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion
to the amount of work already completed.
VAIL'S SECOND AXIOM
%1370
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
HARRY S TRUMAN
%1371
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1372
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
ANONYMOUS
%1373
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
SIMON'S LAW
%1374
If you take something apart, odds are you cannot get it back together again.
SIMON'S COROLLARY
%1375
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
WALT KELLY
%1376
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
MARK TWAIN
%1377
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
GORE VIDAL
%1378
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
%1379
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
OSCAR WILDE
%1380
After exhausting all other possibilities,
Americans can be counted upon to do what is right.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1381
We are in business to make money.
Our problem is that the Japanese make money to be in business.
GASCOYNE
%1382
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
BROOKE'S SECOND LAW
%1383
We must remember the First Amendment, which protects any shrill jackass,
no matter how self-seeking.
F.G. WITHINGTON
%1384
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong
than forgiveness for being right.
ANONYMOUS
%1385
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
WETHERN'S LAW
%1386
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
been.
ALAN ASHLEY-PITT
%1387
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
JOHN F. KENNEDY
%1388
The nice thing about standards is
that there are so many of them to choose from.
ANDREW S. TANENBAUM
%1389
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
ROBERT HEINLEIN
%1390
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
WOODY ALLEN
%1391
There were but little work left for preaching,
if law and compulsion should grow so fast upon those things
which hithertofore were governed only by exhortation.
JOHN MILTON
%1392
The reason God was able to create the world in six days
is that He didn't have to worry about the installed base.
ANONYMOUS
%1393
Hacker, oh Hacker,
Where goest thy code?
Far, far away,
Flushed down the commode!
FAVRE
%1394
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
HENRIK TIKKANEN
%1395
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
DEREK BOK, PRESIDENT OF HARVARD
%1396
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
OSCAR WILDE
%1397
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.
BOSS TWEED
%1398
Innovation is hard to schedule.
DAN FYLSTRA
%1399
Every solution breeds new problems.
ANONYMOUS
%1400
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
%1401
The problem with trying to keep everything a secret
is that eventually you will succeed.
JEN-HSUN HUANG
%1402
Investment in security continues only until someone insists on getting
some real work done.
ANONYMOUS
%1403
Science and technology are just tools.
What they do FOR you is entirely dependant on what you do WITH them.
STANELY SCHMIDT
%1404
Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1405
I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
OSCAR WILDE
%1406
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
ANONYMOUS
%1407
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
MARK TWAIN
%1408
Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1409
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1410
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
MAE WEST
%1411
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
ANONYMOUS
%1412
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
EMERSONS' LAW OF CONTRARINESS
%1413
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
BUCY'S LAW
%1414
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
ANONYMOUS
%1415
Practical people would be more practical
if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
J.P. MCEVOY
%1416
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1417
Work expands to fill the time available.
PARKINSON'S LAW
%1418
The older I get, the better I used to be.
ANONYMOUS (SEEN ON COFFEE MUG)
%1419
Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1420
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
GALILEO GALILEI
%1421
I'd better get off the phone now,
I've already told you more than I heard myself.
LORETTA LOCKHORN
%1422
You'll always find a tool in the last place you look.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1423
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times,
you will eventually have two of them.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1424
A carelessly planned homebuilding project takes three times longer than
expected to complete, a carefully planned one takes only twice as long.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1425
When the need arises, the tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1426
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1427
The first place to look for a dropped part
is the last place you expect to find it.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1428
A horizontal surface will soon be piled up.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1429
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1430
There are two kinds of tape:
The one that won't stay on, and the one that won't come off.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1431
There are some things that are impossible to do,
but it is impossible to know what they are.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1432
No two identical parts are alike.
COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW
%1433
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and
You can fool all of the people some of the time, but
You can't fool mom.
ANONYMOUS BUMPER STICKER
%1434
You can pick your friends,
And you can pick your nose,
But you can't pick your friends' nose.
ANONYMOUS
%1435
We need to listen twice as much as we need to talk.
That is why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth.
ANONYMOUS
%1436
Reputations are made by searching for things that can't be done and doing them.
FRANK TYGER
%1437
To teach is to learn twice.
JOSEPH JOUBERT
%1438
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
JOHN MCNULTY
%1439
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.
It just stops you from enjoying it.
ANONYMOUS
%1440
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
ANONYMOUS
%1441
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
PLATO
%1442
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
ANDREW YOUNG
%1443
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
ANONYMOUS
%1444
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
AESOP
%1445
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
SNOOPY
%1446
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
OGDEN NASH
%1447
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
WEISERT
%1448
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good;
and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
DICK BRANDON
%1449
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
MILTON FRIEDMAN
%1450
In a hierarchy, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.
THE PETER PRINCIPLE
%1451
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
ANONYMOUS
%1452
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
GALLAGHER
%1453
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
ANONYMOUS
%1454
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
DUCHARME'S PRECEPT
%1455
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
LAUREN BACALL
%1456
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
SALVOR HARDIN (ISSAC ASIMOV)
%1457
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
MARK TWAIN
%1458
If two men agree on everything,
you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON
%1459
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
CLARENCE DARROW
%1460
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
MIGUEL DE CERVANTES
%1461
No good deed goes unpunished.
CLARE BOOTHE LUCE
%1462
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
MARK TWAIN
%1463
Absurdity, n.:
A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1464
Even if you do learn to speak correct English,
whom are you going to speak it to?
CLARENCE DARROW
%1465
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
THOMAS EDISON
%1466
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
GEORGE MCGOVERN
%1467
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
OSCAR WILDE
%1468
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
ANONYMOUS
%1469
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
R. CLOPTON
%1470
There are four kinds of homicide:
felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ...
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1471
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage;
Those who manage what they do not understand.
PUTT'S LAW
%1472
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1473
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
OGDEN NASH
%1474
Culture is the arts elevated to a set of beliefs.
TOM WOLFE
%1475
Don't confuse the water with the pump.
TOM WOLFE
%1476
Something there is that doesn't love a wall.
ROBERT FROST, "MENDING WALL"
%1477
The difference between intelligence and education is this:
Intelligence will make you a good living.
CHARLES F. KETTERING
%1478
There are two kinds of statistics:
The kind you look up and the kind you make up.
REX STOUT
%1479
I want to suggest to you today, that unless we have a tolerant attitude toward
mistakes - I might almost say "a positive attitude toward them" - we shall be
behaving irrationally, unscientifically, and unsuccessfully. Now, of course, if
you now say to me, "Look here, you weird Limey, are you seriously advocating
relaunching the Edsel?" I will reply, "No." There are mistakes - and mistakes.
There are true, copper-bottom mistakes like spelling the word "rabbit" with
three Ms; wearing a black bra under a white shirt; or, to take a more masculine
example, starting a land war in Asia. These are the kind of mistakes described
by Mr. David Letterman as Brushes With Stupidity, because they have no
reasonable chance of success.
JOHN CLEESE
%1480
Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
BIERCE
%1481
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
CHARLIE BROWN (CHARLES SCHULTZ)
%1482
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX
%1483
Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
BIERCE
%1484
Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses.
BIERCE
%1485
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone,
but they've always worked for me.
HUNTER S. THOMPSON
%1486
Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
BIERCE
%1487
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.
It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
%1488
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
ANONYMOUS
%1489
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
ANONYMOUS
%1490
To ask permission is to seek denial.
SCOTT MC NEALY
%1491
All things are to be examined and called into question.
There are no limits set on thought.
ANONYMOUS
%1492
There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things
we don't know.
BIERCE
%1493
It isn't what people think that's important,
but the reason they think what they think.
EUGENE IONESCO
%1494
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
MARK TWAIN
%1495
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1496
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
R. SERLING
%1497
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
CARL SANDBURG
%1498
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
%1499
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
ANONYMOUS
%1500
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
RANDOM SHACK DATA PROCESSING DICTIONARY
%1501
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.
THOMAS CARLYLE
%1502
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
LAZARUS LONG, "TIME ENOUGH FOR LOVE" (HEINLEIN)
%1503
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
FRED ADLER
%1504
So naturalists observe, a flea
hath smaller fleas that on him prey;
And these have smaller still to bite 'em;
and so proceed ad infinitum.
JONATHAN SWIFT
%1505
I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documen-
tation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool.
JOSEPH COSTELLO, PRESIDENT OF CADENCE
%1506
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.
P.J. O'ROURKE
%1507
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
INDIAN PROVERB
%1508
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1509
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
HEINLEIN
%1510
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises
shall be liable to a fine of one pound.
Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
RULE 46, OXFORD UNION SOCIETY, LONDON
%1511
Barometer, n.:
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1512
Coward, n.:
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1513
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
%1514
Anyone can make a fortune. It takes a genius to hold onto one.
JAY GOULD
%1515
Work and play are words to describe the same thing under different conditions.
MARK TWAIN
%1516
If you want to know what a man is really like,
take notice how he acts when he looses money.
NEW ENGLAND PROVERB
%1517
Men of power have no time to read,
yet the men who do not read are unfit for power.
MICHAEL FOOT
%1518
The reason why worry kills more people than work
is that more people worry than work.
ROBERT FROST
%1519
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
URSULA K. LEGUIN
%1520
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
%1521
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEPHEN WRIGHT
%1522
Unemployment has gone from quantitative to qualitative.
ALVIN TOFFLER
%1523
Human capital has replaced dollar capital.
MICHAEL MILKEN
%1524
We were nearly one of the last to realize that in the age of
information science the most expensive asset is knowledge.
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV
%1525
You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.
ANDREW CARNEGIE
%1526
There exist limitless opportunities in every industry.
Where there is an open mind, there will always be a frontier.
CHARLES F. KETTERING
%1527
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
MARK TWAIN
%1528
Happiness is the result of discovering that you do not have to
have what you want.
JAMES FLEIBLEMAN
%1529
Football combines two of the worst things about American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
GEORGE WILL
%1530
In time of war, the first casualty is truth.
HODDING CARTER
%1531
Faith is an island in the setting sun
But proof, yes proof is the bottom line for everyone.
PAUL SIMON
%1532
The field cannot be seen from within the field.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1533
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
ANONYMOUS
%1534
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
WOODY ALLEN
%1535
Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.
JONATHAN SWIFT
%1536
Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
T.S. ELLIOT
%1537
Desk-top publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users to
create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and the
intellectual content of a Formica slab.
STEPHEN MANES
%1538
In peace, children bury their fathers. In war, fathers bury their children.
HERODOTUS
%1539
Europe was created by history. America was created by philosophy.
MARGARET THATCHER
%1540
Getting laid off is better than not getting laid at all.
BRETT ISHAM
%1541
Sports serve society by providing vivid examples of excellence.
GEORGE WILL
%1542
What we do not understand we do not possess.
GOETHE
%1543
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
JONATHAN WINTERS
%1544
George Orwell, in his vision of 1984, got it backward.
We do not have to fear Big Brother watching us on TV.
In times like these, we have to fear the effects of our watching Big Brother.
MORTIMER B. ZUCKERMAN
%1545
I was married once, to a beautiful woman. She drove me to drink.
That is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS
%1546
The will to perfection is absolutely the cause of so much evil.
ROBERT CONQUEST
%1547
Dogs are trained. People are educated.
KEITH RILEY
%1548
Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice,
but people can see your lips moving.
PENN JILLETTE
%1549
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works....A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
GRADY BOOCH--OBJECT ORIENTED DESIGN
%1550
A question well-asked is half answered.
ANONYMOUS
%1551
The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason.
I have never used any other, and I trust I never shall.
THOMAS PAINE, "AGE OF REASON"
%1552
To explain the unknown by the known is a logical procedure;
to explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy.
DAVID BROOKS
%1553
I can't stand intolerant people.
TORE ADOLFSON
%1554
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.
MELISSA TIMBERMAN
%1555
To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as
to be right in doing it.
G.K. CHESTERTON
%1556
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
THOMAS F. JONES, JR.
%1557
Some tortures are physical and some are mental,
but the one that's both is dental.
OGDEN NASH
%1558
Hydrogen, n.: A light, colorless, odorless gas that, given enough time,
turns into people.
ANONYMOUS
%1559
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
ANONYMOUS
%1560
It's easier to listen than it is to think.
ANDY ROONEY, ON THE POPULARITY OF TELEVISION
%1561
On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson.
On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and
Dennis Hopper--all your choices should be so easy.
SANDRA BERNHARD
%1562
God is a verb.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
%1563
The stone age was marked by man's clever use of crude tools; the
information age, to date, has been marked by man's crude use of clever tools.
ANONYMOUS
%1564
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
LEO TOLSTOY
%1565
Money is like muck, not good unless it be spread.
FRANCIS BACON, "OF SEDITION AND TROUBLES"
%1566
Nature cannot be commanded except by being obeyed.
FRANCIS BACON, "PLAN OF THE WORKS"
%1567
Scripture does not explain things by their secondary causes,
but only narrates them in the order and style which has most power
to move men, and especially uneducated men, to devotions....
Its object is not to convince the reason, but to attract and lay hold
of the imagination.
SPINOZA
%1568
Love of bustle is not industry.
SENECA
%1569
Minds are conquered not by arms but by greatness of soul.
SPINOZA
%1570
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1571
Among mankind money is far more persuasive than logical argument.
EURIPEDES
%1572
The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause
of all our adversities.
SOPHOCLES.
%1573
All we know about the new economic world tells us that nations which
train engineers will privail over those which train lawyers. No nation
has ever sued its way to greatness.
RICHARD LAMM
%1574
Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory to build
the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with our vast development
activities, I fail to understand why we have lost our industry leadership
position by letting someone else offer the world's most powerful computer.
THOMAS J. WATSON, IBM PRESIDENT, 1965
It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question.
SEYMOUR CRAY
%1575
Ignorance of the law is no defense, and since
they'll never tell you what the law is, you're defenseless.
Every business must pay protection money to lawyers.
NICHOLAS VON HOFFMAN
%1576
Most people would die sooner than think - in fact they do so.
BERTRAND RUSSELL
%1577
The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used
to acquire it.
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
%1578
Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
MALCOM FORBES
%1579
Adding engineers to a late project makes it later.
BROOKE'S FIRST LAW
%1580
Morality is not properly the doctorine how we may make ourselves happy,
but how we may make ourselves worthy of happiness.
KANT
%1581
Critics of utopia unite. You have nothing to lose but illusions.
E.J. DIONNE
%1582
A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both, and deserve neither.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
They that can give up an essential liberty to obtain a little
temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
%1583
We were all guilty in letting the regime function.
VACLAV HAVEL
%1584
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
WEINBERG'S COROLLARY
%1585
When it is not necessary to make a decision,
it is necessary not to make a decision.
LORD FALKLAND'S RULE
%1586
Useless laws weaken the necessary laws.
MONTESQUIEU
%1587
Science can get along with talent, but art requires genius.
WILL DURANT
%1588
The world is a comedy for those who think but a tragedy for those who feel.
HORACE WALPOLE
%1589
These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
ZIGGY (TOM WILSON)
%1590
Knowledge of the lowest kind is un-unified knowledge;
science is partially-unified knowledge;
philosophy is completely-unified knowledge.
HERBERT W. SPENCER
%1591
The eyes have one language everywhere.
GEORGE HERBERT
%1592
Remember that when you hear a horse, it might be a zebra.
ANONYMOUS
%1593
Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.
JAMES WESLEY JACKSON
%1594
Everything has changed except our way of thinking.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1595
I used to really adore women, but now I've decided
they really aren't much nicer than men.
NORMAN MAILER
%1596
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective
as a rightly timed pause.
MARK TWAIN
%1597
Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.
MARK TWAIN
%1598
Love each other like brothers and sisters, and have a real good time.
BILL GRAHAM
%1599
The plan is nothing. The planning is everything.
ANONYMOUS
%1600
Anything scarce is valuable: praise, for example!
ANONYMOUS
%1601
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
NEIL YOUNG
%1602
There are women and women, and some hold you tight
While some leave you counting the stars in the night.
BERNIE TAUPIN
%1603
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
VINCE LOMBARDI
%1604
Everything starts as somebody's daydream.
LARRY NIVEN
%1605
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
DAN STANFORD
%1606
The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.
PETER F. DRUCKER
%1607
The arm of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
%1608
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
TOM WILSON
%1609
Change starts when someone sees the next step.
WILLIAM DRAYTON
%1610
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
PLATO
%1611
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
E.B. WHITE
%1612
The cat could very well be man's best friend
but would never stoop to admitting it.
DOUG LARSON
%1613
I take a simple view of life:
keep your eyes open and get on with it.
LAURENCE OLIVIER
%1614
The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it.
RICHARD BACH
%1615
Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.
AL BERNSTEIN
%1616
A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.
WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
%1617
What some people mistake for the high cost of living
is really the cost of living high.
DOUG LARSON
%1618
Spring appears, and we are once more children.
ANONYMOUS
%1619
In the race for quality, there is no finish line.
DAVID T. KEARNS
%1620
Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON
%1621
A true friend is someone who is there for you
when he'd rather be anywhere else.
LEN WEIN
%1622
Money is a good servant but a bad master.
FRENCH PROVERB
%1623
This summer one third of the nation will be ill-housed, ill-nourished,
and ill-clad. Only they call it a vacation.
JOSEPH SALAK
%1624
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
MIGNON MC LAUGHLIN
%1625
The impersonal hand of government can never replace
the helping hand of a neighbor.
HUBERT H. HUMPHREY
%1626
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
BILL COSBY
%1627
A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once.
FRANK A. CLARK
%1628
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
%1629
There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them
than to travel with them.
MARK TWAIN
%1630
Make no judgements where you have no compassion.
ANNE MC CAFFREY
%1631
Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them
almost anything.
HERB GARDNER
%1632
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most do.
DALE CARNEGIE
%1633
It takes a long time to grow on an old friend.
JOHN LEONARD
%1634
Trust in God - but tie your camel tight.
PERSIAN PROVERB
%1635
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
JONATHAN WINTERS
%1636
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them,
and pretty soon you have a dozen.
JOHN STEINBECK
%1637
You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it.
LORENE WORKMAN
%1638
Until you make peace with what you are,
you'll never be content with what you have.
DORIS MORTMAN
%1639
You don't have to suffer to be a poet.
Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
JOHN CIARDI
%1640
Time has a wonderful way of weeding out the trivial.
RICHARD BEN SAPIR
%1641
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
MILDRED BARTHEL
%1642
You never know when you're making a memory.
RICKIE LEE JONES
%1643
We find comfort among those who agree with us--
growth among those who don't.
FRANK A. CLARK
%1644
One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than 50 preaching it.
KNUTE ROCKNE
%1645
Cherishing children is the mark of a civilized society.
JOAN GANZ COONEY
%1646
A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think
he's the only one who can save the ship.
IVERN BALL
%1647
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment
of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
JIM FIEBIG
%1648
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous;
you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
MARGARET THATCHER
%1649
Other things may change, but we start and end with family.
ANTHONY BRANDT
%1650
Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
CHARLES SCHULZ
%1651
Christmas is the day that holds time together.
ALEXANDER SMITH
%1652
Discoveries are often made by not following instructions,
by going off the main road, by trying the untried.
FRANK TYGER
%1653
Character is what you are in the dark.
DWIGHT MOODY, "SERMONS"
%1654
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life,
but only a fool trusts either of them.
P.J. O'ROURKE
%1655
I have learned to use the word "impossible" with the greatest caution.
WERNER VON BRAUN
%1656
Nothing can keep an argument going like two persons who aren't sure
what they're arguing about.
O.A. BATTISTA
%1657
Each man can interpret another's experience only by his own.
THOREAU
%1658
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
%1659
In marriage, being the right person is as important
as finding the right person.
W.D. GOUGH
%1660
There is no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.
FRENCH PROVERB
%1661
Don't worry about opposition.
Remember, a kite rises against the wind, not with it.
HAMILTON WRIGHT MABIE
%1662
The essence of genius is to know what to overlook.
WILLIAM JAMES
%1663
Nothing is worth more than this day.
GOETHE
%1664
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more
difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing in the tempting place.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
%1665
So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one
to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
%1666
Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.
ANONYMOUS
%1667
What he labels sexual, she labels harassment.
ELLEN GOODMAN
%1668
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
YOGI BERRA
%1669
It is seldom that any liberty is lost all at once.
DAVID HUME
%1670
Computer models can't prove correctness, they can only prove incorrectness.
ANONYMOUS
%1671
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.
CORNELIUS TACITUS
%1672
In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
NAPOLEON
%1673
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
MOHANDAS K. GANDHI
%1674
Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement
than they have to our knowledge.
WILL ROGERS
%1675
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children
to come back home.
BILL COSBY
%1676
Wisdom is that quality that keeps you from getting into situations
where you need it.
DOUG LARSON
%1677
Optimism is an intellectual choice
DIANA SCHNEIDER
%1678
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
BORIS YELTSIN
%1679
Organic life, we are told, has developed gradually from the protozoon to
the philosopher; and this development, we are assured, is indubitably an
advance. Unfortunately, it is the philosopher, not the protozoon, who
gives us this assurance.
BERTRAND RUSSEL
%1680
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, or the Roman
church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant
church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.
THOMAS PAINE
%1681
We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty.
EDWARD R. MURROW
%1682
Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a
high powered rifle and scope.
P.J. O'ROURKE
%1683
If the obstacles of bigotry and priestcraft can be surmounted,
we may hope that common sense will suffice to do everything else.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
%1684
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal.
He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself
and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.
MARK TWAIN
%1685
The motto ("In God We Trust") stated a lie. If this nation ever trusted in God,
that time has gone by; for nearly half a century its entire trust has been in
the Republican Party and the dollar - mainly the dollar.
MARK TWAIN
%1686
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus.
Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
WILLIAM H. JEFFERYS
%1687
High expectations are the key to everything.
SAM WALTON
%1688
One of the most dangerous forms of human error is forgetting what one
is trying to achieve.
PAUL NITZE
%1689
When in doubt, duck.
MALCOM FORBES
%1690
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEPHEN WRIGHT
%1691
What we must decide is how we are valuable rather than how valuable we are.
EDGAR Z. FRIEDENBERG
%1692
No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
%1693
Either God exists or He doesn't. Either I believe in God or I don't.
Of the four possibilities, only one is to my disadvantage.
To avoid that possibility, I believe in god.
PASCAL
%1694
My atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the universe and
denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image to be servants of
their human interests.
GEORGE SANTAYANA
%1695
If God made us in His image we have certianly returned the compliment.
VOLTAIRE
%1696
Happy is the person who can laugh at himself for he will never cease
to be amused.
ANONYMOUS
%1697
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -
jolted by every pebble in the road.
HENRY BEECHER
%1698
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
VICTOR BORGE
%1699
Humor is such a great gift - why leave it to chance?
JOEL GOODMAN
%1700
You can be happy or you can be miserable - the choice is yours.
ANONYMOUS
%1701
It is as useless to argue with those that have renounced the use
and authority of reason as to administer medication to the dead.
THOMAS PAINE.
%1702
Those who are not shocked by quantum theory do not understand it.
NEILS BOHR
%1703
I don't like it (Quantum Mech.), and I'm sorry I had anything to do with it.
ERWIN SCHROEDINGER
%1704
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
MARK TWAIN
%1705
I have repeatedly said that in my opinion the idea of a personal God is
a childlike one, but I do not share the crusading spirit of
the professional atheist whose fervor is mostly due to a painful act
of liberation from the fetters of religious indoctrination received in
youth. I prefer an attitude of humility corresponding to the weakness of
our intellectual understanding of nature and of our own being.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1706
Upon careful examination, Nostradamus will be found to have predicted
EVERY significant event. However, the prediction itself cannot be
understood, or even recognized, until after the event has occurred.
ROBERT SHEAFFER, PAST CHAIRMAN, THE BAY AREA SKEPTICS
%1707
Inspect every piece of pseudoscience and you will find a security blanket,
a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold. What have we to offer in exchange?
Uncertainty! Insecurity!
ISAAC ASIMOV
%1708
Science does not promise absolute truth, nor does it consider that such
a thing necessarily exists. Science does not even promise that everything
in the Universe is amenable to the scientific process.
ISAAC ASIMOV
%1709
We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
WERNHER VON BRAUN
%1710
True greatness consists in the use of a powerful understanding to
enlighten oneself and others.
VOLTAIRE
%1711
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
ALEXANDRE DUMAS
%1712
If the liberties of the American people are every destroyed,
they will fall by the hands of the Clergy.
GENERAL MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE, 1789
%1713
The fires of righteous indignation may yield a pleasant feeling of warmth,
but they don't get the food cooked.
ROBERT MATHIESEN
%1714
There are two infinite things: The Universe and Human Stupidity.
But the former is not certain.
EINSTEIN'S CALCULUS
%1715
Stupidity is much the same all the world over.
JOHN STUART MILL
%1716
Every generation thinks it has the answers, and every generation is
humbled by nature.
PHILIP LUBIN
%1717
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it
and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
GRAUCHO MARX
%1718
Critics quarrel with other critics. With an artist, no sane man quarrels.
GEORGE SANTAYANA
%1719
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
YOGI BERRA
%1720
Mystical explanations are considered deep.
The truth is that they are not even superficial.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
%1721
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
OSCAR WILDE
%1722
Every age and generation must be as free to act for itself,
in all cases, as the ages and generations which preceeded it.
THOMAS PAINE
%1723
Let us permit nature to have her way;
she understands her business better than we do.
MONTAIGNE
%1724
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
JAMES BRANCH CABELL
%1725
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
%1726
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius
has it's limits.
ANONYMOUS
%1727
Each of us visits this Earth involuntarily, and without an invitation.
For me, it is enough to wonder at the secrets.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1728
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans
are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected
and prove it.
P.J. O'ROURKE
%1729
Conservative (n.) - A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as
distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
AMBROCE BIERCE
%1730
Liberalism is trust of the people, tempered by prudence;
conservatism, distrust of people, tempered by fear.
WILLIAM GLADSTONE
%1731
[W]e shall continue to have a worsening ecologic crisis until
we reject the Christian axiom that nature has no reason for
existence save to serve man.
LYNN WHITE, JR.
%1732
The value of the average conversation could be enormously improved by the
constant use of four simple words: "I do not know."
ANDRE MAUROIS
%1733
Experience is a hard teacher.
She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
ANONYMOUS
%1734
When a man assumes a public trust,
he should consider himself as public property.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
%1735
We do not remember days; we remember moments.
CAESARE PAVESE, "THE BURNING BRAND"
%1736
Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solicitude is
the enemy of well-being.
JOHN UPDIKE
%1737
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
BEVERLY SILLS
%1738
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
JAMES STEPHENS
%1739
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
EDITH SITWELL
%1740
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of
youth for those of age.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1741
Statistics are like bikinis: what they show is important, but what they
hide is vital.
ANONYMOUS
%1742
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming
or tedious.
OSCAR WILDE
%1743
I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent
less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her
sweetness and respecting her seniority.
E.B. WHITE
%1744
It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes. It takes more gut and
gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.
JESSAMYN WEST
%1745
When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.
EAST AFRICAN PROVERB
%1746
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN
%1747
A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism,
but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion.
FRANCIS BACON
%1748
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
RALPH WALSO EMERSON
%1749
We have too many high-sounding words, and too few actions that
correspond with them.
ABIGAIL ADAMS
%1750
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
MAUGHAM
%1751
Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty--power is ever stealing from the
many to the few.
WENDELL PHILLIPS
%1752
Crash programs fail because they are based on the premise that,
with nine women pregnant, you'll get a baby in a month.
WERNER VON BRAUN
%1753
It is because the people are civilized, that they are with safety armed.
JOEL BARLOW
%1754
The tree of liberty must be watered periodically with the blood of
tyrants and patriots alike. It is its natural manure.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
%1755
Swallow your pride occasionally, it's not fattening.
FRANK TYGER
%1756
A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1757
A hero is no braver than anyone else; he is only brave five minutes longer.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1758
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
G.B. STEIN
%1759
If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
WOODY ALLEN
%1760
Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling.
CLAUDE PEPPER
%1761
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes.
There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
HENRY KISSINGER
%1762
All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1763
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1764
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1765
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1766
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
%1767
As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
%1768
A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
%1769
Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom.
ROBERT FROST
%1770
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of
infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and
three from the remorse of age.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1771
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
%1772
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
MAE WEST
%1773
An executive is a person who always decides;
sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.
JOHN H. PATTERSON
%1774
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish
their lack of understanding.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1775
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
BEN FRANKLIN
%1776
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
AMBROSE BIERCE
%1777
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
ANONYMOUS
%1778
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
OSCAR WILDE
%1779
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
%1780
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable
must Man be of learning from experience.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1781
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
VICTOR BORGE
%1782
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit
of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
HERODOTUS
%1783
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
MONTAIGNE
%1784
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
CONFUCIUS
%1785
Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
H. L. MENCKEN
%1786
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
WOODY ALLEN
%1787
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon.
SUSAN ERTZ
%1788
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
GEORGE BURNS
%1789
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually hasa
a son who thinks he's wrong.
CHARLES WADSWORTH
%1790
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.
ARISTOTLE
%1791
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1792
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
THOMAS DEWAR
%1793
The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many
accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.
ED PARKER
%1794
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1795
Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set.
ANONYMOUS
%1796
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you
do not entertain.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1797
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but
Congress can.
CULLEN HIGHTOWER
%1798
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
ARTHUR C. CLARKE
%1799
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
WILL ROGERS
%1800
Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
BILL STERN
%1801
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
%1802
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin.
AMBROSE BIERCE, "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
%1803
An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side
of the case. God has written all the books.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1804
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1805
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
GOETHE
%1806
The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a
torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an
oracle, is inborn in us.
PAUL VALE'RY, 1895
%1807
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours.
RICHARD BACH
%1808
Do, or do not. There is no try.
YODA
%1809
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR
%1810
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
%1811
Natural laws have not pity.
ANONYMOUS
%1812
Three may keep a secret, if two are dead.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
%1813
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
OSCAR WILDE
%1814
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
%1815
Man tends to root for the underdog, because he fears that he will find
himself in that same position far too often.
MICHAEL S. ROSENBERG
%1816
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
JAMES F. BYRNES
%1817
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
CHARLES G. DAWES
%1818
No one ever listened himself out of a job.
CALVIN COOLIDGE
%1819
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
CHARLES BROWER
%1820
We have deep depth.
YOGI BERRA
%1821
We made too many wrong mistakes.
YOGI BERRA
%1822
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
CASEY STENGEL
%1823
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
FARMERS ALMANAC
%1824
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
BESS MYERSON
%1825
The road uphill and the road downhill are one and the same.
HERACLITUS
%1826
There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when
they no longer love each other.
FRANCOIS, DUC DE LA ROUCHEFOUCALD
%1827
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.
ALEXANDER PENNEY
%1828
Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.
HANNAH ARENDT
%1829
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but
among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W.H. AUDEN
%1830
Many a man's tounge broke his nose.
SEUMAS MACMANUS
%1831
The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion.
I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of
Christian dogma.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
%1832
The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on
the Christian religion.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
%1833
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
BILL CLINTON
%1834
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises
in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral
justification for selfishness.
JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
%1835
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid,
but most stupid people are conservatives.
JOHN STUART MILL
%1836
Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our
inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter
the state of facts and evidence
JOHN ADAMS
%1837
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...
THE KNIGHTS WHO SO RECENTLY SAID "NEE!"
%1838
For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine.
Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great
number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will
turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.
2 TIMOTHY 4:3-4
%1839
Revenge is a dish which people of taste serve cold.
SICILIAN (OR KLINGON) PROVERB
%1840
Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel
and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more
than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called
it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness
that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind.
THOMAS PAINE
%1841
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
GEORGE SANTAYANA
%1842
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an
experiment.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1843
I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing
one can be sure of changing is oneself.
ALDOUS HUXLEY
%1844
Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.
SIGMUND FREUD
%1845
I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind.
ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY
%1846
Men do not desire to be rich, but to be richer than other men.
JOHN STUART MILL
%1847
Love cures people--both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
KARL MENNINGER
%1848
It matters if you don't just give up.
STEPHEN HAWKING
%1849
It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
SIR PHILIP GIBBS
%1850
I am convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal
second base than an automobile
TOM C. CLARK
%1851
No one goes there anymore -- it's too crowded.
YOGI BERRA
%1852
The best proof of love is trust.
DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
%1853
You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether
what you're doing is work or play.
WARREN BEATTY
%1854
The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard further than the roar of a lion.
ARAB PROVERB
%1855
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
ANONYMOUS
%1856
In waking a tiger, use a long stick.
MAO TSE-TUNG
%1857
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
%1858
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's
opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
OSCAR WILDE
%1859
The trouble with our age is it's all signposts and no destination.
LOIUS KRONENBERGER
%1860
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
FORTRAN MANUAL FOR XEROX COMPUTERS
%1861
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored
by little statesman and philosophers and divines.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1862
Sooner or later, you've heard about all that your best friends have to say.
Then comes the tolerance of real love.
NED ROREM
%1863
We shall always keep a spare corner in our heads
to give passing hospitality to our friends' opinions.
JOSEPH JOUBERT
%1864
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
BOB HOPE
%1865
The man who believes he can do it is probably right.
HELVETIUS
%1866
A word to the wise is unnecessary.
LA ROUCHEFOUCAULD
%1867
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.
EDGAR J. MOHN
%1868
The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another.
The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month.
HENRY VAN DYKE
%1869
Fable is more historical than fact, because fact tells us about one man
and fable tells us about a million men.
G.K. CHESTERTON
%1870
There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the
mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions
of an audience not practiced in the tricks and illusions of oratory.
MARK TWAIN
%1871
Politicians say they're beefing up our economy.
Most don't know beef from pork.
HAROLD LOWMAN
%1872
It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
EDMUND HILLARY
%1873
Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
CULLEN HIGHTOWER
%1874
In the long run, men only hit what they aim at.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
%1875
We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.
EDUARDO GALEANO
%1876
There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience.
JACOB BRAUDE
%1877
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it
GORDON R. DICKSON
%1878
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own.
You may both be wrong.
DANDEMIS
%1879
The man who does not read good books is at no advantage over the man that
can't read them.
MARK TWAIN
%1880
This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher
must learn not to be frightened by absurdities.
BERTRAND RUSSELL
%1881
There are three ways to get something done:
1) Do it yourself
2) Hire someone to do it for you
3) Forbid you kids from doing it
ANONYMOUS
%1882
When men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster.
LAO TSE, TAO TE CHING: 72
%1883
God created sex. Priests created marriage.
VOLTAIRE
%1884
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1885
When choosing between two evils,
I always like to try the one
I've never tried before.
MAE WEST
%1886
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle
a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.
C. G. JUNG
%1887
Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
%1888
I have tried too in my time to be a philosopher;
but I don't know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in.
OLIVER EDWARDS
%1889
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due
to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this
you have the power to revoke at any moment.
MARCUS AURELIUS
%1890
Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.
FRENCH PROVERB
%1891
The proverb warns that "You should not bite the hand that feeds you."
But maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding yourself.
THOMAS SZASZ
%1892
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as
one goes on.
SAMUEL BUTLER
%1893
Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.
(Entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity.)
OCCAM'S RAZOR
%1894
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so
simple we couldn't.
LYALL WATSON
%1895
The mountain remains unmoved at seeming defeat by the mist.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE
%1896
In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and
often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows
which of those is the more annoying.
BERTRAND RUSSELL
%1897
You always pass failure on your way to success.
MICKEY ROONEY
%1898
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was
founded so we could all be anything we damn well please.
P.J. O'ROURKE
%1899
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past
and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
ART BUCHWALD
%1900
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
%1901
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit ther
WILL ROGERS
%1902
How should one deal with a man who is convinced that he is acting
according to God's will, and who therefore believes that he is
doing you a favour by stabbing you in the back?
VOLTAIRE
%1903
The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you
are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
BERTRAND RUSSEL
%1904
Unfalsifiable propositions are not amenable to any method at all.
If there were, then religions would be able to find a way to resolve
internal conflicts over differing versions of their unfalsifiables
without resorting to schism, excommunication, torture, or jihad.
In science, however, there are no permanent schisms, because there
is a recognized final court of appeal, namely the universe itself.
ANONYMOUS
%1905
The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth,
and have it found out by accident.
CHARLES LAMB
%1906
One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are
those who will have sought and found how to serve.
ALBERT SCHWEITZER
%1907
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
AESOP
%1908
Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.
ANNA FREUD
%1909
Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
HENRY WARD BEECHER
%1910
Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new
bureaucracy.
FRANZ KAFKA
%1911
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
AMBROSE BIERCE: THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
%1912
When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's
finished.
ANONYMOUS
%1913
There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures
early in life.
THOMAS HUXLEY
%1914
Chivilization is a method of living, an attitude of equal respect
for all men.
JANE ADDAMS
%1915
Every guilty person is his own hangman.
SENECA
%1916
A man's silence is wonderful to listen to.
THOMAS HARDY
%1917
If a man has done his best, what else is there?
GEORGE PATTON
%1918
Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.
HENRY FORD
%1919
For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such
a thing as superhuman law it is administered with subhuman inefficiency.
ERIC AMBLER
%1920
The average man who does not know what to do with his
life, wants another one which will last forever.
ANATOLE FRANCE
%1921
There is no such whetstone, to sharpen a good wit and encourage
a will to learning, as is praise.
ROGER ASCHAM
%
Bill Gascoyne -----
LSI Logic Corp. LSI |LOGIC|
1501 McCarthy Blvd. | |
MS E-197 -----
Milpitas, Ca. 95035 addr: gascan@dcs4 internet: [email protected]
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Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 17:44:10 -0400
From: [email protected] (Tom Swiss (not Swift, not Suiss, Swiss!))
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
In-Reply-To:
Organization: The Reality Liberation Front (pixels to the people!)
Cc:
Status: R
In article you write:
>Hello,
>
>Being somewhat of a collector-at-heart, I'd like to assemble a large number
>of famous (and infamous) quotes of all kinds.
>
>So, if you happen to have a file of such quotes, no matter how big or
>small, I'd like to receive it. Feel free to e-mail it to me, or other
>arrangements are also possible.
My fortunes file. Share and enjoy.
(Boy, I didn't realize how long this was getting!)
%%
"If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it." -- Stanley Garn
%%
"Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too." -- Richard M. Nixon
%%
"Assuming that the left wing or the right wing gained control of the
country, it would probably fly around in circles." -- Pat Paulsen
%%
"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average
star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very
special." -- Stephen W. Hawking, Der Spiegel, 1989
%%
"We're all nothing but unified arrangements of atoms and particles, drifting
around, enjoying consciousness every now and then for a second or so before
splitting up to become bits and pieces of trees and stars and french fries."
-- Alan Dean Foster, character Rail in _Glory Lane_, 1987
%%
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.
%%
"Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas."
-- Ken Weaver
%%
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
%%
"You may think you're smart, Pierce, but you're STUPID! But, you've met your
match in ME!" -- Col. Flagg
%%
"Good tea. Nice house." -- Worf
%%
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
-- Niels Bohr
%%
"If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable." -- John F. Kennedy
%%
Elwood: "It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank
of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, It's dark and we're wearing
sunglasses."
Jake: "Hit it!"
-- _The Blues Brothers_
%%
"The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet." -- Damon Runyon
%%
"Her life was saved by rock and roll." -- Lou Reed
%%
"Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
%%
"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
%%
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
%%
"Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal."
%%
"The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity.
The rest is overhead for the operating system."
%%
"All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas." -- Kingfish
%%
"Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked."
-- Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp)
%%
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.
%%
Vique's Law:
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
"Duty then is the sublimest word in the English language. You should do your
duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less."
-- General Robert E. Lee
%%
"In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice,
solid piece of wood in your hands."
-- Ian Faith, _Spinal Tap_
%%
All obvious theorems are true.
-- Pommersheim's Principle
All true theorems are obvious.
-- Keane's Kriterion
%%
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
-- Old Chinese saying
%%
Monty Python: "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
the death for it."
%%
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
--Daffy Duck
%%
"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"
-- Daffy Duck
%%
"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"
-- D. Duck
%%
"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty
recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but
the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream
with open eyes, to make it possible."
-- T. E. Lawrence _The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
%%
"Always do what you are afraid to do."
-- Emerson
%%
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that power
attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than
power. When they do act, they think of it as service, which has limits.
The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insatiable, implacable."
-- David Brin, _The Postman_
%%
"Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--"
[aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!"
"--I would like..."
-- Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
%%
"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
and gunpowder and cordite!"
-- Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
%%
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know." -- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
%%
"Go! And never darken my towels again!"
-- Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup".
%%
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-- Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
%%
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
-- Brian Clark
%%
"There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory,
decreased short term memory, and I forget the third."
-- Timothy Leary
%%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
-- Voltaire
%%
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry."
%%
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
%%
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action."
%%
"Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk."
%%
Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs
treat us as equals."
%%
James Thurber: "I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we
would get somewhere."
%%
Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the ape, how come
there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices."
%%
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
-- _Calvin and Hobbes_
%%
"My life needs a rewind/erase button." -- _Calvin and Hobbes_
%%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of
obligation." -- Stephen Crane
%%
"The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
-- Sean O'Casey
%%
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about."
%%
"There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish,
if they don't care who gets the credit."
-- Anonymous
%%
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you."
-- Will Rodgers
%%
"When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary."
-- Thomas Paine
%%
"While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does."
%%
"You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
%%
"You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff." -- Groucho Marx
%%
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do." -- Olin Miller.
%%
"You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10-12 to 1." -- Ernest Rutherford
%%
"The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're
on TV!" -- Homer Simpson
%%
"A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root
around the tree. A crow remarked, `You should not do this. If you lay bare
the roots, the tree will wither and die.' `Let it die,' said the pig. `Who
cares so long as there are acorns?'" -- Anonymous
%%
"You oughtn't yield to temptation."
"Well, somebody must, or the thing becomes absurd!" --- Anthony Hope
%%
"Only a brave person is willing honestly to admit, and fearlessly to face,
what a sincere and logical mind discovers." -- Rodan of Alexandria
%%
"Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot
get on without it any more than we can without potatoes." -- Louisa May Alcott
%%
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be
serious when people laugh." -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you
count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
-- Dave Barry
%%
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -- Mark Twain
%%
"There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
obviously impossible."
-- Richard Davisson
%%
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
If you wish to know
Why there are disasters
Of Armies and Weapons in the world
Listen to the piteous cries
From the slaughterhouse at midnight
-- Old Chinese Saying
%%
"If you understand, things are as they are.
If you do not understand, things are as they are."
-- Gensha, Zen Master
%%
"Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time
to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete.
Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would
take as long?"
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
-- Leonard Brandwein
%%
A Law of Computer Programming:
"Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find that programmers cannot write in English."
%%
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%%
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
%%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
%%
Arthur C. Clarke's Law :
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
%%
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
%%
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%%
"But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed....The evidence...is still
unimpeachable. The judges' decisions...were sound in logic and in law. Nothing
in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of
witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no
witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
%%
Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%%
Finagle's second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
%%
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
%%
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
%%
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
%%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
%%
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%%
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
%%
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
%%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
%%
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.
%%
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
%%
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%%
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
%%
"Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival
of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in
situations where he is most likely to be creamed?"
-- Solomon Short (David Gerrold's _War Against the Chtorr_ series)
%%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
%%
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread." -- Anatole France
%%
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
%%
"The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws."
-- Tacitus, 56-120 A.D.
%%
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%%
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
%%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
%%
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%%
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen." -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%%
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%%
"You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please
wait until I am wrong." -- John von Neumann, on being phoned at 10 a.m.
%%
"The only difference between a madman and myself is that I am not mad"
-- S. Dali
%%
"Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by
deterministic means is, of course, living in a state
of sin."
-- John von Neumann
%%
"Statistics in the hands of an engineer are like a lamppost
to a drunk--they're used more for support than illumination."
-- Bill Sangster, Dean of Engineering, Georgia Tech
%%
"Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress."
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
"The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability."
-- Tom Lehrer
%%
"The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend."
-- Lincoln
%%
"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom."
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
"The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt
the one who is doing it."
%%
"The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 p.m."
%%
"The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence."
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
The Peter Principle:
People are promoted until they reach their level of incompetence.
%%
"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone." --Ibsen
%%
"The universe is not indifferent to intelligence,
it is actively hostile to it."
%%
"Necessity is the excuse for every infringement of human freedom. It is the
argument of the tyrant and the creed of the slave" - William Pitt, 1763
%%
"The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity."
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
"Your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception, matched
only by its ingenuity in destroying itself." -- The 7th Doctor Who
%%
Thomas Edison is alleged to have remarked about his laboratory, "There ain't
no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something."
%%
"Only those who attempt the absurd...will achieve the impossible"
%%
Subject: longest turnaround time in the world
"Rumor has it that when they closed down the 7094 at MIT in 1973, they
found a low-priority job that had been submitted in 1967 and had not
yet been run."
%%
Lie, n:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
known to date.
%%
"Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked."
%%
Meeting, n:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person
or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%%
"Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood."
-- Louise Beal
%%
Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate
that they are in the market.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."
%%
"Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the
way to your execution is not generally understood by less
advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy."
-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
(_Illusions_, R. Bach)
%%
"A day without sunshine is like night."
%%
"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the
people are right more than half the time."
-- E. B. White
%%
Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emporer of Siberia" or
"Director of Corporate Planning".
%%
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%%
Spouse, n:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%%
Westheimer's Discovery:
A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours
in the library.
%%
Those whom computers must destroy, they first drive mad.
%%
Command, n:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer
in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in
control.
%%
"It's not by amusing oneself that one learns."
-- Anatole France
"It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn."
-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
%%
"A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice
without getting nervous.
%%
Machine-independent, adj:
Doesn't run on any existing machine.
%%
"The good christian should beware of mathematicians and all those
who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that
mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the
spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell"
--St. Augustine
%%
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of congress. But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain
%%
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
-- George Wald
%%
"You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far.
Especially if they're dead."
%%
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
Magic."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a
rigged demo."
%%
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%%
Sweater, n:
Garment worn by child when it's mother is feeling chilly.
%%
The Meta-Turing Test:
I'll call something intelligent when it attempts to
construct objects and apply Turing tests to them.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
%%
"It's impossible to make something foolproof because fools are so
ingenious."
%%
Idiot, n:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."
%%
"There are some microorganisms that exhibit characteristics of
both plants and animals. When exposed to light, they undergo
photosynthesis and when the lights go out, they turn into
animals. But then again, don't we all?"
%%
"Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within."
%%
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."
%%
"All men are poets at heart"
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"All poets are mad"
--Robert Burton
%%
"If we applied government standards for determining the amount of salt in food
to the question of how much matter there is in the universe, we would conclude
that the universe is matter-free." -- Kolak & Martin, _Wisdom without Answers_
%%
"The number of UNIX machines has grown to 10 with more expected."
-- The UNIX manual, *1972*
%%
"The Way of the sage is to act but not to compete." -- Lao Tzu
%%
"If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at
the same time, insight into and understanding of many things." -- Van Gogh
%%
"Nature has neither kernel nor shell; she is everything at once." -- Goethe
%%
"To know and to act are one and the same." -- Samurai maxim
%%
"The foolish reject what they see, not what they think; the wise reject what
they think, not what they see." -- Huang Po
%%
"Words, as is well known, are great foes of reality" -- Joseph Conrad
%%
"All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream." --Edgar Allan Poe
%%
"Man's many desires are like the small metal coins he carries about in his
pocket. The more he has the more they weigh him down." -- Satya Sai Baba
%%
"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving
and that's your own self." -- Aldous Huxley
%%
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth."
-- Alan Watts
%%
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future
and the recent past." -- George Carlin
%%
"Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced."
-- Kierkegaard
%%
"There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval."
-- Santayana
%%
"We have no right to assume that any physical laws exist, or that if they have
existed up to now, that they will continue to exist in a similar manner in
the future." -- Max Planck
%%
"What we call reality is an agreement that people have arrived
at to make life more livable." -- Louise Nevelson
%%
"An independant reality in the ordinary physical sense can neither be
ascribed to the phenomenon nor to the agencies of observation."
-- Niels Bohr
%%
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." -- Albert Einstein
%%
"Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man
manages his affairs as well as a tree does." -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
"Monk: Where can I enter Zen?
Master Gensha: Can you hear the babbling brook?
Monk: Yes, I can hear it.
Master Gensha: Then enter it there."
%%
"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old;
seek what they sought." -- Basho
%%
"I wonder why. I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder _why_ I wonder why
I wonder why I wonder!" -- Richard P. Feynman
%%
"If you know that fundamentally there is nothing to seek, you have settled
your affairs." -- Rinzai
%%
"The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp."
-- John Berry
%%
"If you want to get the plain truth,
Be not concerned with right and wrong.
The conflict between right and wrong
Is the sickness of the mind." -- Seng-Ts'an
%%
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Former Vice President (and space program coordinator) Dan Quayle
%%
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here." -- Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989
%%
"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund
%%
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
%%
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix
Republican Forum, March 1990
%%
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,
or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be
violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported
by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be
searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
"No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise
infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand
Jury... nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be
twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in
any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived
of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor
shall private property be taken for public use, without just
compensation."
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to
a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and
district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which
district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be
informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be
confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory
process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the
Assistance of Counsel for his defence."
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
"The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights shall not
be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people."
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution
nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States
respectively, or to the people. "
-- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
one with nintendo
halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
cold matsushita
their technology stronger
enslaves our people
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
midori ito
girl finds glory, is broken
they can rebuild her
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
honda seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
samurai fighter
keyboard and mouse are his sword
digital battles
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
DAT arrives
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
young sony worker
innocent hands build walkman
tears run down faces
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
"Either I've gone nuts, or all this is really happening. If I'm nuts,
I'll be the last to know. So I might as well act as if everything is
just the way it looks." -- Keith Laumer, _The Ulitmax Man_
%%
"...and remember you're a Man, not just god, and for you there aren't
and never will be any easy answers, only questions, and no reasons,
only causes, and no meaning, only intelligence, and no destination
and no kindly magic smiling down from above, and no fires to goad you
from below, only Yourself and the Universe and what you make out of
the interface between the two equals."
-- Keith Laumer, _Night of Delusions_
%%
"Baby, after considerable thought I've reached the conclusion that the
only conceivable legitimate answer to the Universe as constituted is
a peal of hysterical laughter." -- Keith Laumer, _Night of Delusions_
%%
"I wasn't ready, man. I - I still believed in justice."
"Your world entertains many quaint superstitions."
-- Victor Milan, "Madman across the Water"
(in _Jokertown Shuffle - Wild Cards IX_)
%%
"Laws are only words words written on paper, words that change on
society's whim and are interpreted differently daily by politicians,
lawyers, judges, and policemen. Anyone who believes that all laws should
always be obeyed would have made a fine slave catcher. Anyone who
believes that all laws are applied equally, despite race, religion, or
economic status, is a fool."
-- John J. Miller, "And Hope to Die"
(in _Jokertown Shuffle - Wild Cards IX_)
%%
"[There is] a duty in refusing to cooperate in any undertaking that
violates the Constitutional rights of the individual. This holds in
particular for all inquisitions that are concerned with the private
life and the political affiliations of the citizens..."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"We care a lot / About the welfare of all you boys and girls
We care a lot / About you people 'cause we're out to save the world.
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it..."
-- Faith No More
%%
"Quick to judge, quick to anger / Slow to understand
Ignorance and prejudice / And fear walk hand in hand..."
-- Rush, "Witch Hunt"
%%
"When they turn the pages of history
When these days have passed long ago,
Will they read of us with sadness
For the seeds that we let grow?"
-- Rush, "A Farewell to Kings"
%%
"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude
better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace.
We ask not your councels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands
which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity
forget that ye were our countrymen." -- Sam Adams
%%
"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation
as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence."
-- C.A. Beard
%%
"Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control
a man's appetite by legislation and makes crimes out of things that are not
crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our
government was founded." - Abraham Lincoln
%%
"And all should cry, Beware! Beware! / His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honeydew hath fed, / And drunk the milk of Paradise."
-- "Kubla Khan", Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
My opinions are definitive; reality is frequently inaccurate.
%%
"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit
and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car." -- Harvey Diamond
%%
"Gee, but I'd like to be a G-Man / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Just like Dick Tracy, what a "he-man" / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
I'd do as I please, act high-handed and regal
'Cause when you're a G-Man there's nothing illegal."
-- Harold Rome, from "The G-Man Song",1937
%%
"Question with boldness even the existance of God; because if there
be one, He must more approve of the homage of reason, than
that of blindfold fear." -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man
would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear and
punshiment and hope of reward after death." -- Albert Einstein
%%
"All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian,
or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up
to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit."
-- Thomas Paine
%%
"...[T]he lesson [comic books] taught children- or this child, at any
rate- was perhaps the unintentionally radical truth that
exceptionality was the greatest and most heroic of values; that those
who were unlike the crowd were to be treasured the most lovingly; and
that this exceptionality was a treasure so great that it had to be
concealed, in ordinary life, beneath what the comic books called a
'secret identity'." -- Salman Rushdie
%%
"Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete
and firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and
report: `There's a naked person outside!'" -- Mike Nichols
%%
"A vegetarian diet can prevent 97% of our [society's] coronary
occlusions." - "Diet and Stress in Vascular Disease," Journal of
the American Medical Association, Vol 197, No. 9., 1961, pg 806.
%%
"I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will
come when men will look upon the murder of animals as they now look
upon the murder of men." -- Leonardo Da Vinci
%%
"To be a vegetarian is to disagree -- to disagree with the course of
things today. Nuclear power, starvation, cruelty -- we must make a
statement against these thigns. Vegetarianism is my statement. And I
think it is a strong one." -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
%%
"With our combined strength we can end this destructive conflict
and bring order to the galaxy." -- Darth Vader
%%
"Heard a lot of talk about this Jesus
A man of love, a man of strength
But what a man was two thousand years ago
Means nothing at all to me today." -- "Operation Spirit", Live
%%
"If you fall down seven times, get up eight times." -- Japanese proverb
%%
"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me...and causes
me to tremble for the safety of my country....Corporations have been enthroned
...an era of corruption in high places will follow...and the money power of
the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working on the prejudices
of the people...until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands...and the
republic is destroyed." -- Abe Lincoln
%%
"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel
and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more
than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called
it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness
that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." -- Thomas Paine
%%
"When in doubt, use brute force" -- Ken Thompson
%%
Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those
ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."
-- Edward A. Murphy, Jr
%%
"In hardware engineering, Ohm's law and Maxwell's equations pale in
importance and influence next to Murphy's Law" -- Gordon Bell
%%
"... A socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to
leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians." -- Pat Robertson on feminism
%%
"Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the
leaders of a country who determine policy, and it is always a simple
matter to drag the people along ... All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of
patriotism and exposing the country to danger." -- Hermann Goering,1936
%%
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities.
The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly
submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his
intelligence." -- Albert Einstein
%%
"I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent
less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her
sweetness and respecting her seniority." -- E.B. White
%%
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill
%%
"I don't understand you." -- Every man who ever lived to every woman
he's ever known
%%
"When two tigers fight, one is certain to be maimed, and one to die."
-- Master Funakoshi
%%
"Without music life would be a mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
"When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before." -- Mae West
%%
"Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL." -- Mae West
%%
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
%%
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us." -- Alexander Graham Bell
%%
"I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough
whiskey for three, and enough women for four."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
%%
"Whatever you want too much, you can't have, so when you REALLY want
something, try to want it a little less."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg
%%
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." -- Bugs Bunny
%%
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."--Lewis Carroll
%%
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley."
-- Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg
%%
"In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him."
-- "Aqualung", Jethro Tull
%%
"I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether
I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man." -- Chang-tzu
%%
"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic memory circuit, using
stone knives and bearskins." -- Spock
%%
===============================================================================
Tom Swiss/[email protected] | "Born to die" | Keep your laws off my brain!
"What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?" - Nick Lowe
This .sig contains no animal products and was not tested on animals.
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
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Date: Fri, 9 Apr 93 14:08:42 EST
From: [email protected] (Tim MacKenzie)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected] (Jon Noring)
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Organization: Computer Science, Monash University, Australia
Cc: [email protected]
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Status: R
In article you wrote:
>Hello,
Hi.
>Being somewhat of a collector-at-heart, I'd like to assemble a large number
>of famous (and infamous) quotes of all kinds.
>So, if you happen to have a file of such quotes, no matter how big or
>small, I'd like to receive it. Feel free to e-mail it to me, or other
>arrangements are also possible.
I too collect the odd quote or two (which is why I read alt.quotations) and
have the odd one or two. I would be happy to share my quotes with you if
you would share yours with me.
Here is an index of what I've got at the moment... you may already have some
of these.
Currently available volumes:
volume number Description
b7 72 Blakes 7 quotes
ba 398 The Blackadder quotes
disney 196 Quotes from alt.fan.disney.afternoon
dw 196 Doctor Who quotes
dwarf 302 Red Dwarf quotes, from Karl.
f0 1739 The USEnet fortunes file, obtainable via ftp from many locations.
f1 233 Fortunes obtained early in 1991 from miscellaneous sources
f2 976 Still more fortunes obtained in early-mid 1991
f3 969 A few more fortunes
f4 971 If you can tell me where these fortunes are from, please do.
f5 473 Please tell me where these fortunes are from
f8 363 Karl Geppart gave me a lot of these fortune (I think)
fern 62 Excerpts from "FernGully: The Last Rainforest"
ft 246 Fawlty Towers quotes
hg 159 Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy quotes
jar 1847 The jargon file version 299. With appendices.
kibo 162 Quotes from Kibo
local 131 Fortunes collected from around monash
love 148 With Love - compiled by Dave Braithwaite ( [email protected] )
misc 651 Miscellaneous quotes found floating around daz's directory.
mork 2016 Fortunes I got off mork (Simon Raik)...
new 1020 New fortunes that come from various places as single fortunes
phone 239 Answering phone messages collected from rec.humor
princ 219 Fortunes from the Principia Discordia
quetz 576 Fortunes obtained from quetzal (ins534z@aurora)
res 17 Quotes on research.
rez0 771 Quotes I got off rez@yoyo... ask him where he got them from
roth 52 David Lee Roth quotes
sail 225 "A Sailing Dictionary" by Henry Beard & Roy McKie
seminars 59 Seminars for Men/Women.
shoot 57 The "How to shoot yourself in the foot with" fortunes
st 2029 Star trek quotes, from rec.arts.startrek.misc
tlm 124 Excerpts from Disney's "The Little Mermaid."
wings 122 Wings, by Terry Pratchett, The Third Book of the Nomes.
wright 42 Steve Wright quotes
As you can see, there are quite a few (17925 to be more precise) and as you
might guess take up a little disk space (3655K for fortunes, 282K for indexes).
It would be nice if you would be able to forward any other collections that
people are willing to send to you. I currently use a '%%' separated fortune
file format, with 2 indexes for each file, one which lists each fortune's
location, size in bytes/lines and other which indicates how many fortunes
are <= a particular number of lines. This allows uniform random lookups on
the entire database.
--
-Tim MacKenzie ([email protected])
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Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Quotes
Date: Sun, 11 Apr 93 03:52:36 -0600
From: "Greg L. Richardson"
X-Mts: smtp
Status: R
I read a post that said you wanted a bunch of quotes...
Here you go . . .
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
SUCCESS
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and
the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to
find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know
even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to
have succeeded.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
"When I consider the caliber, the bravery and the patriotism of the fine
young soldiers whose deaths I have witnessed...it is untenable and
incomprehensible to me that a man who was not merely unwilling to serve his
country, but actually protested against its military, should ever be in the
position of commander in chief of our armed forces."
Lt. Col. Eugene Holmes, US Army (Ret.)--commenting on Slick Willy Clinton
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
Ren,.............will you button me?
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
"You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word."
- Al Capone
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!" - MST3k
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
Learn. Keep Moving Better yourself.
---------------+--------------------------------------------------
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and
dissected at least one woman."
Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. -- Einstein
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
>From 'The Little, Brown Book Of Anecdotes' by Clifton Fadiman
Albert Einstein was a late talker as a child. His parents were
understandably worried. finally at the supper table one evening,
He broke his silence to say, "The soup is too hot." Greatly relieved,
his parents asked why he never said a word before. Young Albert
replied, "Because up to now everything was in order."
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
It is alledged that when Einstein and his wife visited the Mount
Wilson Observatory in California, Mrs. Einstein pointed to a particularly
complex piece of equipment and asked its purpose. Their guide said
that it was used to determine the shape of the universe. "Oh," she
said, not at all impressed, "my husband uses the back of an old
envelope to work that out."
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
And Einstein said
If Euclid failed to kindle your youthful enthusiasm, then you were
not born to be a scientific thinker.
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"Stimpy, your wealth of ignorance astounds me."
-Ren Hoek
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"I'm bored--I think I'll become a beatnik."
-Sluggo (from the Nancy comic strip)
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"You shouldn't think about *how* we're doing this. You should ask yourself,
'why?'"
-Penn Jillette
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies."
--Gore Vidal
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"You just can't fillet a twinkie."
--Michael MacDonald,
breeder of Golden Retrievers
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"Does history repeat itself, the first time as tragedy, the
second time as farce? No, that's too grand, too considered
a process. History just burps, and we taste again that
raw-onion sandwich it swallowed centuries ago."
-- Julian Barnes
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"I think Rodney King said it best when he said: 'Ow ow ow ow..'"
-Dennis Leary
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas."
- General Phil Sheridan
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities,
each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares
to observe those of his neighbor.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest thing: The decayed and
degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing
worth a war is worse. A man who has nothing for which he is
willing to fight, nothing he cares about more than his personal
safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free,
unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than
himself." -- John Stuart Mill
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood:
the person who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost
it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that
person's liberty. Are you free?" -- Andrew Ford
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
It's 106 miles to Chicago,
We got a Full tank of gas,
Half a pack of cigarettes,
It's dark
And we're wearing sunglasses.
Hit It!
-Elwood Blues
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
``Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.'' -- Mark Twain
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"It is not enough to succeed. Everyone else must fail."
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
"I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused."
-Ken Small
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
Tighten it until it strips, then back off a quarter turn...
- on the wall at a racing mechanics shop...
---------------+-------------------------------------------------
A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part
limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and
feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical
delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for
us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few
persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this
prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living
creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
-- Albert Einstein
---------------+------------------------------------------------
The thinking that we are has brought us to where we have already been.
In order to go somewhere else, we must think in a different way.
-- Albert Einstein
---------------+------------------------------------------------
You don't hunt ducks with a turnip!
---------------+------------------------------------------------
What's the most popular order at the Zen hotdog stand?
"Make me One With Everything!"
---------------+------------------------------------------------
He who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
---------------+------------------------------------------------
I am a meatball: Bite me.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
We cannot stop at the foothills when Everest lies ahead.
-- Ronald Reagan
---------------+------------------------------------------------
An idea which cannot be commercialized is just a passing thought.
--Momofuku Ando (Nissin Foods)
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Them bats is smart--they use radar.
--Dave Letterman
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Damn the rules! It's the feeling that counts!
- John Coltrane
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Man's greatest joy is to slay his enemy, plunder his riches,
ride his steeds, see the tears of his loved ones and embrace his women.
--- Genghis Khan"
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Money does not protect me from grief,
but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than in a bus.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"If at first you do succeed---try to hide your astonishment."
--Harry F. Banks
---------------+------------------------------------------------
The agnostics prayer: "O God, if there is a god, save
my soul, if I have a soul"
- Ernest Renan (1823-1890)
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing.
Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees. - Boris Marshalov
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Nobody believes a rumor in Washington until its officially
denied. - Edward Cheyfitz
---------------+------------------------------------------------
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to
total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"If at first you succeed -------- don't let your boss know or he
will expect it all the time.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Self-deprecation is my middle name, but I am not very good at it."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing."
-- Warren Miller
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"hello/ computer support/ my shift key doesn't seem to work." - e.e.cummings
---------------+------------------------------------------------
A reasonable man adapts himself to the world around him,
while an unreasonable man expects the world to adapt to him.
Therefore, all progress is caused by unreasonable men.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it."
-Churchill
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"I'm not really a lesbian -- it's a career move."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
My Mom always told me that sex was a dirty, ugly, horrible thing that
I was only to do with someone I loved.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"It is a mistake to suppose that God is only, or even chiefly,
concerned with religion."
-- Archbishop William Temple, 1955
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as
great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things
as possible."
-- Sean O'Casey, "The Plough and The Stars"
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"To become a popular religion, it is only necessary for a superstition to
enslave a philosohpy."
-- William Ralph Inge, 1920
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Without a doubt the greatest injury of all was done by basing morals on myth.
For, sooner or later, myth is recognized for what it is, and disappears.
Then morality loses the foundation on which it has been built."
-- Lord Samuel, "Romanes Lecture", 1947
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"The Churches must learn humility as well as teach it."
-- George Bernard Shaw, "St. Joan"
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
-- Monty Python
---------------+------------------------------------------------
In my music, I'm trying to play the truth of what I am. The reason
it's difficult is because I'm changing all the time.
--Charles Mingus
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under socialism, it's just the opposite.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving."
--Unknown
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war, for a leading role in a
cage?
--Roger Waters
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like...VICTORY"
Robert Duvall
---------------+------------------------------------------------
God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- The Dead
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Lady Astor and Churchill:
LA: If you were my husband, I would feed you poison.
WC: If you were my wife, madam, I would take it!
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Sir Winston and Lady Astor:
LA: Winston your quite drunk!
WC: Madame your quite ugly. In the morning I will be sober where
as you will still be ugly!
---------------+------------------------------------------------
>From the movie "Patton":
"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making
the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Once I was at a gig with Big Jack Reynolds a old bluesman I know in Toledo
after he played a couple of young wanna-bees were gathered around his amp
and guitar checkin' out the hardware when Big Jack happened by and said in
passing, "It ain't the guitar boys ...."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
'Money doesn't buy happiness but it does buy a better grade of
misery.'
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Money can't buy happiness. It buys things that make you happy.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
(Old couple in run-down shack:)
Man: Martha, maybe before we die, we can be rich someday.
Woman: We've always been rich, dear; maybe someday we'll have money.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
Solid Woody Allen :
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's
fantastic ..."
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's
one of the best." WA
---------------+------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't suceed, try, try again. Then give up. No use
being a damn fool about it.
---------------+------------------------------------------------
How about:
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
at any point."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Nobody goes to bed hungry in America"
-R Reagan
---------------+------------------------------------------------
"Trees make more smog than cars." -R Reagan
---------------+------------------------------------------------
English cuisine is generally so threadbare that for years there has been a
gentlemen's agreement in the civilized world to allow the Brits preeminence in
the matter of tea - which, after all, comes down to little more than the
ability to boil water. -- GQ
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
"Yes, we're all different!"
"I'm not."
"Shh!"
- Monty Python
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
Don't knock masturbation --- it's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
If you have built castles in the air do not despair;
build foundations under them.
Thoreau
---------------+-----------------------------------------------
Through the travail of ages
Midst the pomp and toil of war
Have I fought and strove and perished
Countless times under the star.
As though through a glass and darkly
The age old strife I see
Where I fought in many guises, many names
But always me.
- George C. Scott
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"He who proselytizes in the cause of unbelief is basically a man in
need of belief." -- Eric Hoffer
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"How does Ramen blow up?"
- Curt George Siffert
29 Dec 92
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"If they laid all the coeds from Yale end to end...I wouldn't be
surprised."
- Dorothy Parker
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"That's it then! Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans; no more
merciful beheadings; and call off Christmas!"
- Sheriff of Nottingham, "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves"
---------------+----------------------------------------------
Nobody loves me but my mother,
And she could be jivin' too.
-- B. B. King
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"I read the book of Job last night - I don't think God comes out well in it."
-- Virginia Woolf
---------------+----------------------------------------------
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time."
-- Nietzsche
---------------+----------------------------------------------
Half a cup of water is half-full, with air.
---------------+----------------------------------------------
...understanding Marketing...
"...what I told you was true...from a certain point of view."
-Ben Kenobi
---------------+----------------------------------------------
...understanding Computer Science...
"Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology."
---------------+----------------------------------------------
...understanding Responsibility....
"This is all your fault, Artoo." -See Threepio
---------------+----------------------------------------------
...understanding How To Combine Budget Cuts, Extra Projects, And
No Resources...
"Use the Force." - Obi-Wan Kenobi
---------------+----------------------------------------------
...understanding The Work Environment...
"If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
...understanding How To Deal With Authority Figures...
"Yes, Your Worshipfulness." - Han Solo
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The two most evangelical groups in the world are atheists and vegetarians,
especially the least knowledgeable and least intelligent individuals within
those groups." -- Clark Coleman
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is seldom that any liberty is lost all at once." David Hume
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Would I rather be right, or happy?
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Dorthea Parker's reply to her editor who was bugging her for
her belated work while she was on her honeymoon:
"Too fucking busy, and vice versa."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Sir, how much money do you get for those seal skins?"
"Money? I just like to club them!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
To be is to do.
-Immanuel Kant
To do is to be.
-Sigmund Freud
Dooby, dooby, do.
-Frank Sinatra
---------------+---------------------------------------------
All Bibles are man-made.
-- Thomas Edison
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have had your hand
stuck in a blender."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, masturbation is better than sex."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You won't learn much about capitalism at a university. How could you?
Capitalism is a matter of risks and rewards, and a tenured professor doesn't
have much to do with either. -- Pournelle.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Yes, it is true," he was saying, "that sometimes unusually intelligent and
sensitive children can appear to be stupid. But, Mrs. Benson, stupid children
can sometimes appear to be stupid as well. I think that's something you might
have to consider."
Ralph Standish - Chief Consultant Psychologist
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I want you to get that man out of bed right away. Get him back
to the front. I won't have these men who are really wounded
see that man babied so."
- George S. Patton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
An officer in the US Civil War was inspecting his troops
while enemy snipers were active. When warned to be careful, he said:
"Are you kidding? They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
and collapsed, shot through the head.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A pilot friend of mine mentioned that when the "black box" is recovered
from an airplane crash site, the last words on it are usually something
like "OHHHHHH SHIIIIIITTTT!!!!". But in one instance, the captain is
clearly heard to say:
"Point your toes; we're going in deep!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather,
who said "A truck!"..."
- Emo Philips
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"What do you do if you step on a mine, Captain?"
"Well, the usual procedure is to leap 200 feet in the air and spread
yourself over a wide area..."
- Captain Blackadder, _Blackadder Goes Forth_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
90% of Science Fiction is crap. On the other hand, 90% of _everything_
is crap.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals."
--written in a bathroom
"Yeah, it makes them soggy and hard to light."
--scrawled beneath
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"We are all worms, but I believe I am a glowworm."
- Winston Churchill
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other
people to live as one wishes to live."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Art should never try to be popular. The public should try to make
itself artistic."
- Oscar Wilde
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Glimpses do ye seem to see of that mortally intolerable
truth; that all deep, earnest thinking is but the intrepid
effort of the soul to keep the open independence of her
sea; while the wildest winds of heaven and earth conspire
to cast her on the treacherous, slavish shore?
--Herman Melville, Moby Dick
---------------+---------------------------------------------
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very
angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move. -- D. Adams
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"No library is complete that contains the works of Jane Austen."
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The United States has much to offer the third world war."
Ronald Reagan, in a 1975 speech.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for them Mexicans"
-- Some politician in Texas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The problem with learning from experience is that you get the test before
the lesson."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
1) Reach between legs
2) Grasp firmly
3) Pull
Ejection Seat Instructions
From the cockpit of a wwii US fighter...
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Help," he said, "is giving part of yourself to somebody who
comes to accept it willingly and needs it badly.
-- Norman Maclean
_A River Runs Through It_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You can love completely without complete understanding."
-- Norman Maclean
_A River Runs Through It_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"One of life's quiet excitements is to stand somewhat apart
from yourself and watch yourself softly becoming the author of
something beautiful, even if it is only falling ash."
-- Norman Maclean
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You look like someone who owes me money.
--- Tony Ianuzzi
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the
death your right to say it."
- Voltaire
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Nietsche is Pietsche."
--Ogden Nash
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
-Bill Clinton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The progress toward totalitarianism arose, and keeps arising, because
of society's refusal to be shit." ---Kathy Acker
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Women, can't live with them ... pass the beer nuts."
- Norm on "Cheers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For the last time, I'm not male! I'm HUMAN!"
- Curt Siffert
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.
- Howard Kandel
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much, heavier.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
- Ambrose Bierce
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
- Eric Hoffer
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I don't know about all this sex on television,
I keep falling off.
-Monty Python
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The fight is what's important. Doing
what is good and right is why we're here.
The end is variable and relative. A person
can only do what his heart tells him and
break away from the terrible things
around him. We do what we can ... and live
with the consequences.
-Marc Zanoni
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does
a man need to be happy?
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There is a fundamental conviction which some people never acquire, some hold
only in their youth, and a few hold to the end of their days-- the conviction
that IDEAS MATTER. In one's youth that conviction is experienced as a
self-evident absolute, and one is unable fully to believe that there are people
who do not share it. That ideas matter means that knowledge matters, that
truth matters, that one's mind matters. And the radiance of that certainty,
in the process of growing up, is the best aspect of youth."
- Ayn Rand
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a
bottle. They're on TV."
- Homer Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa. Nothing personal, I just fear the
unfamiliar."
- Marge Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ya' know, Mo, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said 'Homer, your a big disappointment' and God bless her soul,
she was really onto something."
- Homer Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I guess you say that about most things in life; it isn't so bad as
long as you can keep the fear from your mind"
- Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination"
- Oscar Wilde (I believe)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"He who laughs last donesn't get the joke"
- M. Keast
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"That's the problem with tradition, it's always dated."
- Curt George Siffert
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases"
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Or, as a Southern friend of mine says, "If at first you don't secede,
try, try again."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
There's a comedian over here in Britain called Jack Dee who came
out with a great string of famous last words. He came up with
the idea of a Black Box Recorder for cars, so that you could
find out the last thing that was said in the car before crashing!
"'Reduce Speed Now'. Hmmmmm, I think I know when to apply MY
brakes ...."
"Mum, Dad, I want to be a woman!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Asked in rec.sport.volleyball
Subject: FAQ
Ok, I've seen this a bunch of times. What the heck is an FAQ???
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If worms were dogs the ground would bark.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
High tech is potent, precise, and in the end, unbeatable. The truth is,
it reminds a lot of people of the way I pitch horseshoes. Would you believe
some of the people? Would you believe our dog? Look, I want to give the
high-five symbol to high tech.
- George Bush, April 25, 1989
---------------+---------------------------------------------
". . . Nirvana or lasting enlightenment or true spiritual
growth can be acheived only through persistent
excercise of real love"
- M. Scott Peck, M.D.
_The Road Less Travelled_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I wouldn't mind dying--
it's that business of having to stay dead that scares me
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living
that wears you out.
- Chekhov
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A quote in Newsweek attributed to Alexander Haig on Cuba:
Just give me your word, Mr. President, and I'll make the island
into a fucking parking lot.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song,
read a good poem, see a fine picture and, if possible,
speak a few reasonable words."
--Goethe
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man
is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice."
--Clint Eastwood
---------------+---------------------------------------------
" The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and
which to burn."
- David Russell
---------------+---------------------------------------------
" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"To the atheist, death is the end; to the believer, the beginning; to
the agnostic, the sound of silence."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become
immortal through not dying."
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
when you're really thinking about a mother."
-- Cliff Claven - Cheers
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he
entitled to happiness?
-- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, _Unkempt Thoughts_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Our love is God. Lets go grab a slushie" --J.D. "Heathers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Veronica: "Lots of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way."
JD: "Yeah, but this is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you
might as well be wearing a skirt."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Heather Chandler's dying words: "Corn nuts!"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Pauline Fleming: "Deciding whether or not to kill yourself is one the most
important decisions a teenager can make." - "Heathers"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
The only truly indigenous American inventions are Thanksgiving turkey
and fingerfucking.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Eloquence is logic on fire.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much
better"
- L. Anderson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Give, expecting nothing thereof"
- St. Thomas Aquinas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"On the day of victory no one is tired."
- Arab proverb
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
- Hannah Arendt.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an
exact man"
- Francais Bacon
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For three hundred years flutists tried to play in tune. Then they
gave up and invented vibrato."
- George Barrere
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedence, loyalty, and the
importance of turning around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- John Benfield
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
- John Bernal
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves"
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want.
It's money."
- Bizarro
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded
perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?"
- Black Adder II
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's Catholic directive, intended
to slow down their loss of martyrs."
- Ellen Blackstone
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Most human problems can be solved by an appropriate charge of high
explosive."
- Blaster, "Uncommon Valor"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
- Derek Blok
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier."
- Blore's Razor
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce
more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire
history."
- Ray Bradbury
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power"
- Ashleigh Brilliant
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school."
- Mathew Broderick in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool."
- Bellamy Brooks
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because
he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he
was a lawyer."
- A. Whitney Brown
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your
intelligence."
- William F. Buckley, Jr.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I would sooner live in a society governed by the first two thousand
names in the Boston telephone directory than in a society governed by
the two thousand faculty members of Harvard University."
- William F. Buckley, Jr.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why
the poor have no food, they call me a communist."
- Dom Helder Camara
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do."
- Dale Carnegie
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Liberals are an easy target. They're so soft and furry, and they make
lovely pleading noises when trod on."
- Patrick Carroll
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse."
- Miguel de Cervantes
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid."
- G. K. Chesterton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them."
- William Clayton
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You wanna know how to nail Capone? This is how you nail Capone: he
pulls a knife you pull a gun, he puts on of yours in the hospital, you
send one of his to the morgue. THAT'S how you nail Capone."
- Sean Connery in "The Untouchables"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."
- Quentin Crisp
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"
- Bill Davidsen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white man came, and Indian said simply Ours."
- Vine Deloria, Jr.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are
broken."
- Benjamin Disraeli
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them."
- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as
part of the problem."
- Ducharm's Axiom
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I guess we all know who's the real wizard under the sheets."
- David Duke, referring to Bill Clinton and Gennifer
Flowers
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"This is a picture of the British High Command at the beginning of
World War I. These aren't evil men -- some of them aren't even
stupid."
- G. Dyer, in _WAR_
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing
is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would
indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear and
punshiment and hope of reward after death."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until ordered to do so."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Why do men go to war? Because women are watching."
- T. S. Eliot
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I never met a kid I liked."
- W.C. Fields
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
- W. C. Fields
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Four people attack you with screwdrivers, you have a gun, they're
supposed to die. That's not racism. That's Darwin."
- Chip Flatow
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread."
- Anatole France
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -; I took the one less traveled
by; And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
- John Kenneth Galbraith
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly' [...] Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
- Bill Gates, Microsoft CEO
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth."
- Arthur J. Goldberg
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The most important thing in an argument, next to being right, is to
leave an escape hatch for your opponent, so that he can gracefully
swing over to your side without too much apparent loss of face."
- Sydney J. Harris
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec."
- J. Hart
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves
infested with losers and nut cases."
- Patrick Nielsen Hayden
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and
he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale
of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism."
- Bernard J. Hibbits
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe,
with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
- John Andrew Holmes
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are
consequences."
- Robert G. Ingersoll
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or
no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."
- Thomas Jefferson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the
world, and do not find in our particular superstition [Christianity]
one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and
mythology."
- Thomas Jefferson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before
you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him
shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and
daughters."
- Genghis Kahn, 1226
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the
urge to throw a snowball."
- Doug Larson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry.'"
- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success."
- Christopher Lasch
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too."
- Lichty & Wagner
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way
the social and political equality of the white and black races--I am
not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of
Negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with
white people."
- Abraham Lincoln, First Lincoln-Douglas Debate, August
21, 1858
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt."
- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking"
- H. L. Mencken
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."
- John Stuart Mill
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you
could know how seldom they do."
- Olin Miller
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Listen, strange women, lyin' in ponds, distributin' swords, is no
basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
itself from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
ceremony."
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority."
- Richard M. Nixon
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO: `I dunno. What do you wanna do?'"
- Sharon O'Neil
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the
sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their
country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of our
men and women. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have
this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more
glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly:
it is dearness only that gives every thing its value."
- Thomas Paine
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Practically everyone but myself is a pusillanimous son of a bitch."
- George S. Patton, Letter to Col. Codman, 1945.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes
and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum
tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they
foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."
- Porterfield
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"A university professor set an examination question in which he asked
what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had
to give an A+ to a student who answered; I don't know and I don't care"
- Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional."
- Professor Brian Quinn
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Conservatives define compassion not by the number of people who recieve
some kind of government aid but rather by the number of people who no
longer need it."
Jack Kemp
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"I don't feel in the least bit humble before the vastness of the heavens.
The stars may be large, but they can not think or love; and these are the
qualities which impress me far more than size does."
- FP Ramsey
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Guns don't kill people; people kill people."
Now apply to smoking:
"Cigarettes don't cause lung cancer; lungs do."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of
themselves." -- Dorothy Parker
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind."
- Albert Einstein
---------------+---------------------------------------------
My father is credit manager at a funeral home. His bosses have a card that
they hand out. It says "Thank You for Smoking
-- Your local undertaker."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Sam: What's up, Norm?
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
- Norman Douglas
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.
- Mark Twain
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teen-ager wondering about each other.
- Laurence J. Peter
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Milwaukee Journal, about two years ago (on the front page):
"MATH TEST RESULTS ADD UP TO A FAILURE - Only 14% of eighth grade students
show average proficiency
Washington DC - AP - Just one in seven eighth grade students nationawide
can exhibit average proficiency in mathematics, according to a federal . . .
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"
- Homer Simpson, trying to be a father to Lisa.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Things are only impossible until they're not."
-- Jean-Luc Picard. I forget which episode.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made
bullshit white.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back
you've really got something.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
M. D. to patient: First the good news--you're going to have a disease named
after you.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"There's a Fine Line Between Fishing and just Standing
on the Shore like an Idiot..."
-Stephen Wright
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"My parents went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud"
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Hell, if you understand everything I said, you'd be me!"
-Miles Davis
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that
encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
-- Televangelist Pat Robertson,
speaking at the Republican convention,
on the proposed equal-rights amendment:
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human
being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"For the rest of your life you must run,
Your day in the sun is done,
You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!
"Big government was your creed;
But now you're the last of a dying breed.
So, run liberal run,
Run run run run run run,
Run run run RUN,
Run run run run;
Run run..."
--Saturday Night Live
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A liberal mind is a mind that is able to imagine itself believing anything.
--Max Eastman (1883-?)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a
liberal.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Reality is always more conservative than ideology.
--Raymond Aron
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"You never forget how to fuck. Unless you're really, _really_ stupid."
-Frank Zappa
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Where imagination is sucked out of children by a cathode ray nipple
T.V. is the only wet nurse that would create a cripple
On television, the drug of a nation
Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation."
-Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent."
---------------+---------------------------------------------
If a women seeks education it is probably because her sexual apparatus
is malfunctioning.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
There once was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get his limericks to rhyme
When asked "Why not?"
It was said that he thought
They were probably too long and badly structured and not at all very funny.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid"
Heinrich Heine
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"The modern definition of 'racist' is 'someone who is winning an argument
with a liberal'"
-- Peter Brimelow, National Review (2/1/93)
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Keep your values off my family.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
"It's not by amusing oneself that one learns."
-- Anatole France
"It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn."
-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
---------------+---------------------------------------------
He is one of those peple who would be enormously improved by death
H.H. Munro
---------------+---------------------------------------------
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Country and Rap are to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
---------------+---------------------------------------------
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
Bart Simpson
---------------+---------------------------------------------
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Mae West
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Bern Williams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.
Alexander Graham Bell
---------------+---------------------------------------------
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy
for me.
Kugell
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money.
IRS auditor
---------------+--------------------------------------------
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
John H. Patterson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality
to be accountants.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be
surprised to learn they're not it.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
Benjamin Disraeli
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
Construction Digest
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
Confucius
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
---------------+--------------------------------------------
May you live all the days of your life.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since
they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked `petite'
and hold on to the receipt.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg
---------------+--------------------------------------------
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
Samuel Johnson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
Bill Stern
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I could prove God statistically.
George Gallup
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the
study of carbon compounds that crawl.
Mike Adams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Do, or do not. There is no try.
Yoda
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
Miles Davis
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Rudyard Kipling said:
"A woman is a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion.
I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of
Christian dogma."
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on
the Christian religion."
George Washington (1732-1799)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"This sentence no verb."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"This sentence is false."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Everybody's got plans...until they get hit".
- Mike Tyson, heavyweight champ on "plans"
released by Tyrell Biggs' camp on how they
would defeat the champ.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
In case you don't know yet, Mississippi's governor, Kirk Fordice, has
a habit of making colorful, unpolitic remarks that get him in trouble
with the press and some factions and groups. Today's contribution is:
"If you were a gay illegal-alien looking for an abortion, it was a
humdinger of a week." Kirk Fordice 1/29/93
---------------+--------------------------------------------
First learn your horn and all the theory.
Next develop a style. Then forget all that and just play.
- Charlie "Bird" Parker
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Jack: "I don't get it..."
Lo Pan (interrupting): "Shut up, Mr. Burton. You are not put upon this
world to 'get it.'"
- Big Trouble In Little China
---------------+--------------------------------------------
My favorite wedding toast from a best man included:
"... and may your children have rich parents."
---------------+-------------------------------------------
There are two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
allworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkand
noplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakes
jackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadull
boyallworkandnoplaymakesjackadullboyallworkandnoplay -- the shining
---------------+--------------------------------------------
It is the early worm that gets eaten by the bird.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your
cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to
romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between
mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters."
- Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Miscellaneous method of Civil Disobedience:
Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until
one's demands are met."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it."
-- Sir Thomas Beecham
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Facts are stupid things."
-- Ronald Reagan
---------------+--------------------------------------------
In NOTORIOUS, Claude Reins' Nazi Mom says to him:
"You have been saved by the enormity of your stupidity"
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter
what we are doing? What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you?
If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get
to work on that. -Epicetus
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The words "I am..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to.
The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.
-A. K. Kitselman
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can
never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of
them all. How much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?
-C. S. Lewis
---------------+--------------------------------------------
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then
one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to
love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To
be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from
too much happiness. -Woody Allen
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"A zebra cannot change its spots." -- Al Gore
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced;
the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled.
Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't
want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living
on public assistance." - Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Then Nicholl, using his own calculations, demonstrated that it was absolutely
impossible to give any object at all the velocity of 12,000 yards per
second. And, algebra in hand, he maintained that even if such a velocity
could be attained, such a heavy projectile could never be lifted beyond the
limits of the Earth's atmosphere! It would never reach even an altitude of
twenty miles. And furthermore! Even if such a speed could be attained,
even if it would suffice, the shell could not withstand the pressure of the
gases produced by igniting 1,600,000 pounds of powder. And even if it could
resist the pressure, it could not withstand the temperature, it would melt
as it left the Columbiad, and a red-hot rain would fall on the heads of the
foolish spectators.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle
a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.
- C. G. Jung
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Is there life before death?"
-- Belfast Graffito
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few
pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
-- Douglas Adams
---------------+--------------------------------------------
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is a 9.8 meters per second squared.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion - i.e. none to speak of.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Get a shot off *fast*. This upsets him long enough to let you
make your second shot perfect.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there
is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will
*know*. So why fret about it?
---------------+--------------------------------------------
A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty
percent of all human wisdom.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Stay away from needle drugs. Richard Nixon is the only
dope worth shooting."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a
crowded fire."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just as we
cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my
knees and give thanks at every opportunity)." -- Dave Barry
---------------+--------------------------------------------
SLAVERY IS FREEDOM...IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH...TAXES IS PATRIOTISM...
CLINTON IS PRESIDENT!!!
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Women. You can't live with them, and sheep can't cook."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"I have two rules about smoking. The first is that I never smoke while
I'm sleeping. The second is that I never smoke more than one cigar at
a time."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most
enligthened when we are the most confused." M. S. Peck
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Holy 1/2 a keg on the porch!"
- Brian Eberle
7 Feb 93
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"How does a guy grow a goat cheese?"
- Stephanie Cinocco
24 March 93
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Jesus Saves!!
He Shoots, He Scores, WHAT A GAME!!!
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Bigamy is when you have too many wives.
Monogamy is... the same thing.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
I saw this bumper sticker yesterday.
Our child was
INMATE OF THE MONTH
at Santa Clara County Juvinile Detention Facility
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Leadership is getting someone else to do what you want him to do
because he wants to do it."
- Dwight David Eisenhower
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Why yes, a bulletproof vest."
--Convicted murderer James Rodges, when asked if he had
any final requests before facing the firing squad.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The question of whether or not a computer can think is
about as interesting as whether a submarine can swim."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Heard on the local news in Burlington, Vermont:
"On a scale of 1 to 10, that [prison] is very poorly run."
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Better keep yourself clean and bright;
you are the window through which you must see the world."
- George Bernard Shaw
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at U.C.L.A., but my goal is
to become a veternarian, 'cause I love children." -- Julie Brown
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The reward of a thing well done is to have done it." --Emerson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Always do what you are afraid to do." -- Emerson
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Whose
face is marred by dust, sweat and blood: who knows the enthusiasm, the great
devotion, and spends himself in a worthy cause. Who at best if he wins
knows the thrill of high achievement and if he fails at least fails while
daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls, who know neither victory nor defeat."
-JFK
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated."
-M. C. Reed
---------------+--------------------------------------------
"Everybody experiences far more than he understands. Yet it is
experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior."
--Marshall Mcluhan
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the
ability to learn from the experience of others, are also
remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
---------------+--------------------------------------------
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut
up.
-- Phyllis Diller
---------------+--------------------------------------------
Article 3214 of alt.quotations:
Path: ucsu!boulder!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!cats.ucsc.edu!haynes
From: [email protected] (Jim Haynes)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Re: learning
Date: 7 Apr 1993 18:59:34 GMT
Organization: University of California; Santa Cruz
Lines: 17
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: hobbes.ucsc.edu
"Learn what not to do from the experience of others. It's cheaper
than your own."
J. Winter Smith
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from
bad judgement."
Jim Horning, quoted in Silicon Gulch Gazette, Vol 5 No 2
--
[email protected]
[email protected]
"Ya can talk all ya wanna, but it's dif'rent than it was!"
"No it aint! But ya gotta know the territory!"
Meredith Willson: "The Music Man"
Article 3204 of alt.quotations:
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Path: ucsu!boulder!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!usc!sdd.hp.com!news.cs.indiana.edu!johnl@cs.indiana.edu
From: "John Lacey"
Subject: Re: learning
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 00:51:12 -0500
Lines: 27
[email protected] (Public account) writes:
>ROGER ASCHAM 1515 1568
>I said how, and why, young children, were sooner allured by love,
>than driven by beating, to attain good learning.
>The Schoolmaster (1570), preface
This put me in mind of a story i have long enjoyed, but never known
the source of. A young man went to Socrates and asked to be taught.
Socrates led the man down to the sea, and waded in. The young man
hesitated, but followed Socrates until they were both chest deep
in the water. Socrates then pushed the young man's head under the
water and held it there for some time, though the young man
struggled (Socrates was known for being hale).
Finally he released the young man, and waded back to dry land. Then
Socrates questioned the man. `What did you most want just now?'
The young man replied, `Air.' `When you want knowledge as much as
you just wanted air, you shall have it.'
Sources?
--
There is nothing remarkable about it. All one has
to do is hit the right keys at the right time,
and the instrument plays itself. J.S. Bach
Article 3243 of alt.quotations:
Path: ucsu!boulder!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!malgudi.oar.net!ucbeh.san.uc.edu!ucunix.san.uc.edu!uceng.uc.edu!sweide
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Re: Denis! (Was: Re: Dennis! (Was: Re: David Leary quotes??!!))
Message-ID:
From: [email protected] (Steven Weide)
Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1993 01:22:15 GMT
References: <[email protected]>
Organization: University of Cincinnati
Lines: 31
Denis Leary is god. This is from his song Asshole, a great artistic work IMHO.
He just busts into this in the middle of the song. It's from memory but I
know it's almost exact.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac(sp) Eldorado
convertible, hot pink, with whale-skin hubcaps, and all leather cow interior,
and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doin' 155 miles per hour, gettin' 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old fashion
nonbiodegradable containers. And when I get done suckin' down those
greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and throw
the styrofoam containers right out the side and there ain't a God Damn thing
anybody can do about it. You know why? Cause we got the bomb, that's why.
Russia, Germany, Rumania, they can have all the Democracy they want. They
can have a big Democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienaman(?)
square and it won't make a lick of difference because we got the bombs.
Two words: Nuclear Fucking Weapons. Okay? John Wayne's not dead, he's
frozen. And as soon as we find a cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the
Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off, ya know why. Have you ever taken a
cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times and that's how pissed off
the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke, and Lee Marvin, and Sam
Beckenforth(?), and a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas...
You know you really are an asshole? (someone else)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song pal.
Then he just goes back to singing. His album No Cure For Cancer is well
worth the price.
Steve
Article 3251 of alt.quotations:
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Path: ucsu!boulder!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!bradley.bradley.edu!camelot!odo
From: [email protected] (D. Nathan Hood)
Subject: Re: Quotes About Cats
Message-ID:
Sender: [email protected]
Nntp-Posting-Host: camelot.bradley.edu
Organization: Bradley University
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
Date: 9 Apr 93 15:32:28 GMT
Lines: 19
In <[email protected]> [email protected] (Joerg Hallbauer) writes:
>"If the cats could figure out how to work the can opener, they would
>have the locks changed while we were out."
> --Unknown
>How's that?
i'm probably going to get hit for this one but... i couldn't resist...
"The only good cat is a stir fried cat."
-ALF
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just loose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve a state of maximum entropy
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
George Santayana (1863-1952)
"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has
to eat them." (Adlai Stevenson)
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down." (Woody Allen)
"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by
pestilence, so why bother shaving?" (Woody Allen)
"I want to find out who I am and give up letting everyone else define me."
(Judith)
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Elanor Roosevelt)
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then
one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to
love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To
be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from
too much happiness." (Woody Allen)
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it." (George Bernard Shaw)
"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless
manner, you have learned how to live." (Lin Yutang)
"The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that
lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of
the grace of tragedy." (Steven Weinberg)
"We are only what we feel." (Neil Young)
"It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong." (Brother
Theodore)
"A thing can be true and still be desperate folly." (Richard Adams)
"When you find yourself in the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
(Mark Twain)
"A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest." (Paul Simon)
"All children are morbid. It is their one saving grace." (Truman Capote)
"When men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster." (Lao Tse)
"God created sex. Priests created marriage." (Voltaire)
"When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes."
(Henry Miller)
"Sin is seeing yourself through somebody else's eyes." (Sebastian Moore)
"You can best serve civilization by being against what usually passes for it."
(Wendell Berry)
"Become who you are." (Nietzshe)
"The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalcuable." (Carl Jung)
"The present is the only thing that has no end." (Erwin Schrodinger)
"There are some things that are so serious that you have to laugh at them."
(Niels Bohr)
"How can we have any new ideas or fresh outlooks when 90% of all the
scientists who have ever lived have still not died?" (A. L. Mackay)
"The way to get a new theory accepted is to propose it and then wait for
all the old physicists to die." (Max Planck)
"If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."
(Abraham Maslow)
"Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new
bureaucracy." (Franz Kafka)
Famous Last words:
"Die my dear Doctor? That's the last thing I shall do!" (Palmerston)
"I am dying as I have lived-beyond my means"
"This wallpaper is killing me-one of us has got to go"
-Oscar Wilde
"Goodnight" (Lord Byron)
"More light! Give me more light!" (Goethe)
Bigamy is when you have too many wives. Monogamy is... the same thing.
A thief will demand your money or your life, but only a woman will demand both.
When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's
finished.
Famous Last Words:
"My work is done, why wait?" (George Eastman)
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." (Pancho Villa)
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances." (A letter from the Greenville, S.C.
County of Social Services to a deceased Greenville resident.)
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." (Albert Einstein)
"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." (Henry Ford)
"If a man has done his best, what else is there?" (George Patton)
"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Whose face is
marred by dust, sweat and blood: who knows the enthusiasm, the great devotion,
and spends himself in a worthy cause. Who at best if he wins knows the thrill
of high achievement and if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so
that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls, who know
neither victory nor defeat." (Teddy Roosevelt)
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife
would have preferred.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket
of apples
-------
Now about size:
"It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean."
"It's not the size of the stick, it's the magic in the wand."
"It's not the shape, it's not the size, it's how many times you can
make it rise."
"It's not the size of your engine, it's the way you shift it."
"It's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long!"
"It's not how deep you can plow, it's how long you can stay in the field."
"It's not how deep you fish it's how you wiggle your worm!"
---------
Being bored the other day, and having access to a copy of Bartlett's Familiar,
I decided to go through and find a variety of "last words". These are all
from the "Fifteenth and 125th Anniversary Edition", 1980.
It is well, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.
-George Washington, 14 December 1799.
This is the fourth?
-Thomas Jefferson, 4 July 1826.
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
-Nathan Hale, 22 September 1776.
Thank God, I have done my duty.
Kiss me, Hardy.
-Adm. Horatio Nelson, 21 Oct 1805.
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing.
-Georges Jacques Danton, addressed to the executioner, 1794.
This is the last of earth! I am content.
-John Quincy Adams, 21 February 1848.
Chief of the Army.
-Napoleon I [Napoleon Bonaparte], 1821.
I still live.
-Daniel Webster, 24 October 1852.
Of course he [God] will forgive me; that's his business. [Bien sur, il me
pardonnera; c'est son metier.]
-Heinrich Heine, 1856.
I now have no time to be tired.
-Wilhelm I, 8 March 1888.
Strike the tent.
-Robert E[dward] Lee, 12 October 1870.
Now comes the mystery.
-Henry Ward Beecher, 8 March 1887.
Let us cross the river, and rest under the trees.
-Thomas Jonathan [Stonewall] Jackson, 10 May 1863.
I have tried so hard to do the right.
-Grover Cleveland, 1908.
So little done--so much to do.
-Cecil John Rhodes {Founder of the Rhodes Scholarships}, 1902.
Put out the light.
-Theodore Roosevelt, 6 January 1919.
Turn up the lights--I don't want to go home in the dark.
-O. Henry [William Sydney Porter], 5 June 1910.
I realize that patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or
bitterness towards anyone.
-Edith Cavell, before her execution by the Germans,
12 October 1915.
How is the Empire?
-George V, 21 January 1936.
Hope you find these interesting.
-Bob.
--
* Rememeber: ** From Bob Topping at: *
* No matter where you go, ** [email protected] *
* There you are. ** [email protected] *
* -Buckaroo Banzai ** :::RETURN OUR HURON!::: *
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From: [email protected] (Donald R. Newcomb)
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
In-Reply-To:
Organization: University of Southern Mississippi
Cc:
Status: R
Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under
the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmer of water, or
watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste
of time.
--Sir J. Lubbock
Well, I'll tell you: In all my days, I've never seen, heard, nor
smelled any issue that was so dangerous it couldn't be talked
about. Hell, yes! I'm for debating anything.
--Stephen Hopkins
A man who carrys a cat by the tail is getting experience that will
always be helpful. He isn't likely to grow dim or doubtful. Chances
are, he isn't likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But
if he wants to, I say let him!
--Mark Twain
The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish,
and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.
The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits.
When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten.
The purpose of words is to convey ideas.
When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.
Where can I find a man who has forgotten words?
He is the one I would like to talk to.
--Chuang Tzu
The breath of the man who loves and the woman who loves
goes to fill the water trough where the spirit horses drink.
--Robert Bly
Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself.
They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under
independence... From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the
present day, events, occurrences, and tendencies prove that to
ensure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle and pistol are
equally indispensable.... The very atmosphere of firearms every-
where restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor
with all that's good.
- George Washington (bogus?)
The militia of these free commonwealths, entitled and accustomed
to their arms, when compared with any possible army, must be
_tremendous and irresistable_. Who are the militia? _are they not
ourselves_. Is it feared, then, that we shall turn our arms _each
man against his own bosom_. Congress have no power to disarm the
militia. Their swords, and every other terrible implement of the
soldier, are _the birth-right of an American_...the unlimited
power of the sword is not in the hands of either the _federal or
state governments_, but, where I trust in God it will ever remain,
_in the hands of the people_.
--Tench Coxe 20 Feb. 1788
To preserve liberty, it is necessary that the whole body of the
people possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young,
how to use them.
--Richard Henry Lee
They that can give up an essential liberty to obtain a little
temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-- Benjamin Franklin (1759)
The great object is, that every man be armed....
Everyone who is able may have a gun.
--Patrick Henry
Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect every
one who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will
preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force,
you are ruined.
--Patrick Henry
Are we at last brought to such a humiliating and debasing
degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our own
defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in our
own possession and under our own direction, and having them under
the management of Congress? If our defense be the _real_ object
of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with
more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?
--Patrick Henry
Whenever, therefore, the profession of arms becomes a distinct
order in the state....the end of the social compact is
defeated... No free government was ever founded, or ever
preserved its liberty without uniting the characters of the
citizen and soldier in those destined for the defense of the
state...Such are a well regulated militia, composed of the
freeholders, citizen and husbandman, who take up arms to
preserve their property, as individuals, and their rights as
freemen.
--Richard Henry Lee
Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike
the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to
trust the people with arms.
-- James Madison
I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the rights
of the people by the gradual & silent encroachments of those in power
than by violent & sudden usurpations.
-- James Madison, Virginia Conv. 1788.
The right of the people to keep and bear...arms shall not be
infringed. A well-regulated militia, composed of the body of the
people, trained to arms, is the best and most natural defense of
a free country....
-- James Madison
I ask, who are the Militia? They consist now of the whole people.
--George Mason ?
I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except
for a few public officials.
-- George Mason
For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so,
a well organized and armed milita is their best security.
--Thomas Jefferson 1808
The Greeks by their laws, and the Romans by the spirit of their
people, took care to put into the hands of their rulers no such
engine of oppression as a standing army. Their system was to make
every man a soldier, and oblige him to repair to the standard of
his country when ever that was reared. This made them invincible;
and the same remedy will make us so.
--Thomas Jefferson
letter to Thomas Cooper(1814)
A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises, I
advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives
boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. Games played with the
ball and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no
character on the mind. Let your gun, therefore, be the constant companion
of your walks.
--Thomas Jefferson
--Encyclopedia of Thomas Jefferson, 318 (Foley, Ed. reissued 1967)
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep
and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against
tyranny in government.
-- Thomas Jefferson
No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
- Thomas Jefferson
"...when all government... in little as in great things, shall be
drawn to Washington as the centre of all power, it will render
powerless the checks provided of one government on another and will
become as venal and oppressive as the government from which we
separated." Thomas Jefferson, 1821
"The First Amendment has erected a wall of separation between
church and state, but that wall is a one directional wall; it
keeps the government from running the church, but it makes sure
that Christian principles will always stay in government."
- Thomas Jefferson, Jan 1, 1802, address to the Danbury Baptists
C'est magnifique, mais ce n`est pas la guerre.
--Marshal Bosquet
The outward and visible sign of the end of war was the
introduction of the magazine rifle.
--I.S. Bloch 1899
"I believe that God puts us in this jolly world to be happy
and enjoy life "
--Lord Baden-Powell
[The role of the Scoutmaster should be as an]"elder brother
among his boys - not detached or above them, but joining
in their activities and sharing their enthusiasm."
--Lord Baden-Powell
Shooting at a fixed target is only a step towards shooting
at a moving one, like a man.
--Lord Baden-Powell
Scouting for Boys(1908)
Make yourselves good scouts and good rifle shots in order to
protect the women and children of your country if it should ever
become necessary.
--Lord Baden-Powell
Scouting for Boys(1908)
We have all got to die some day; a few years more or less
of our lives don't much matter if by dying a year or two
sooner than we should otherwise do from disease we can help to
save the flag of our country from going under.
--Lord Baden-Powell
Scouting for Boys (1908)
Personally, I should like to see all Boy Scouts drilled.
I look upon the Movement as a further savings of the situation
for the nation in the future, and that it will pave the way
directly for its national service.
--Lord Baden-Powell
letter to Lord Meath (1910)
Our gallant fellows at the front are carrying their football training
into practice on the battlefield. They are 'playing the game' in all
conscience.
--Lord Baden-Powell
Headquarters Gazette (1914)
To certain individuals of small minds and overweaning ambition,
there is no greater insult than to be proved wrong.
--Thomas H Dyer 1984
Arms in the hands of citizens (may) be used at individual
discretion...in private self-defense.
--John Adams
A Defense of the Constitutions of Government of the United States
of America(1787-88)
Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.
It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.
--John Adams
The religion and public liberty of a people are intimately connected;
their interests are interwoven, they cannot subsist separately, and
therefore they rise and fall together. For this reason, it is always
observable that those who are combined to destroy a people's
liberties practice every art to poisn their morals.
--Samuel Adams, 1772
The Constitution shall never be construed...to prevent the people
of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping
their own arms.
-- Samuel Adams
During Mass' Constitution ratification Convention, 1788
The goal of civilization is settled life and the achievement of luxury.
But there is a limit which cannot be overstepped. When prosperity and luxury
come to a people, they are followed by excessive consumption and extravagance.
With that the human soul itself is undermined both in its worldly well-being
and in its spiritual life.
--Ibn Khaldun
The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that
they be properly armed.
- Alexander Hamilton
"For no soldiers or sailors, in any of our forces today, would so willingly
endure the rigors of battle if they thought that in another twenty years
their own sons would be fighting still another war on distant deserts or
seas or in far-away jungles or skies." - Franklin Roosevelt
"Military action is important to the nation--it is the ground of death and
life, the path of survival and destruction so it is important to examine it.
-Sun Tzu
``A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow,
beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave;
a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing,
super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that
wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir
of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if
thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.''
--Earl of Kent, _The_Tragedy_of_King_Lear_
"No people can be bound to acknowledge and adore the invisible hand
which conducts the affairs of men more than the people of the United
States. Every step by which they have advanced to the character of an
independent nation seems to have been distinguished by some token of
providential agency.... We ought to be no less persuaded that the
propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that
disregards the eternal rules of order and right, which Heaven itself has
ordained."
- George Washington, in his first Inaugural Address
"We have staked the whole future of American civilization, not upon
the power of government, far from it. We have staked the future of
all of our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind of
self-government; upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern
ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to
the Ten Commandments of God."
- James Madison
"Is it not that, in the chain of events, the birthday of the nation is
indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Saviour? .... Is it not
that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact
on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission? That it laid the
cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity
and gave to the world the first irrevocable pledge of the fulfillment of
the prophecies announced directly from Heaven at the birth of the Saviour
and predicted by the greatest of the Hebrew prophets 600 years before?"
-John Quincy Adams, 1837
"The religion which has introduced civil liberty is the religion of
Christ and his apostles, which enjoins humility, piety, and benevolence;
which acknowledges in every person a brother, or a sister, and a citizen
with equal rights. This is genuine Christianity, and to this we owe our
free constitutions of government."
- Noah Webster, _A History of the United States_
"The moral principles and precepts contained in the Scriptures
ought to form the basis of all our civil constitutions and laws.
All the miseries and evils which men suffer from vice, crime,
ambition, injustice, oppression, slavery, and war, proceed from
their despising or neglecting the precepts contained in the Bible."
- Noah Webster
"If religious books are not widely circulated among the masses in this
country, I do not know what is going to become of us as a nation. If
truth be not diffused, error will be; If God and His Word are not know
and received, the devil and his works will gain the ascendancy; If the
evangelical volume does not reach every hamlet, the pages of a corrupt
and licentious literature will; If the power of the Gospel is not felt
throughout the length and breadth of the land, anarchy and misrule,
degradation and misery, corruption and darkness will reign without
mitigation or end."
- Daniel Webster
"He who shall introduce into public affairs the principles of primitive
Christianity will change the face of the world."
- Benjamin Franklin, while he was US Ambassador to France
"The choice before us is plain: Christ or chaos, conviction or
compromise, discipline or disintegration. I am rather tired of hearing
about our rights and privileges as American citizens. The time is come
- it now is - when we ought to hear about the duties and responsibilities
of our citizenship. America's future depends upon her accepting and
demonstrating God's government."
- Reverend Peter Marshall, on being elected Chaplain
of the U. S. Senate in January 1947
"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, I
didn't like it, I didn't inhale it, and never tried it again."
-- Bill Clinton
"I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all,
we've been voting for boobs long enough."
-- Arizona senatorial candidate Claire Sargent, on women candidates
"Many, if not all, of my presidential opponents are certifiable idiots."
-- Philippine presidential candidate Miriam Defensor Santiago
"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for
President. One hopes it is the same half."
-- Gore Vidal
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective Marc, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
-- From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.)
Department of Social Services
"We believe he wanted to win in the worst way."
-- Seminole County, Fla., Sheriff Don Eslinger on a state representative
challenger charged with attempted murder of his opponent
"It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages
women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
-- Televangelist Pat Robertson, who spoke at the Republican convention, on
the proposed equal rights amendment
"Would you please shut up and sit down!"
-- George Bush, to a grooup of POW-MIA families protesting his campaign
speech in Crystal City, Va.
I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them.
I realised that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak
ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity.
With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and
inpenetrable fog !
-- Calvin Feb 11, 1993
"You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you
know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."
- Bill Clinton, East Lansing MI debate, Mon Oct 19 1992
"So, where can someone practice with his phaser 'round here?"
- Dr. Bashir to Odo, Stardate 46393.1
"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without
bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not
too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with
all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival.
There may be even a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no
hope of victory, because it is better to perish than live as slaves."
--Winston Churchill
"I consider trial by jury as the only anchor yet imagined by man, by
which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution."
- Thomas Jefferson
"It is not only [the juror's] right, but his duty, in that case, to
find the verdict according to his own best understanding, judgement,
and conscience, though in direct opposition to the direction of the court."
- John Adams, 1771
"... if exercising their judgment with discretion and honesty
they have a clear conviction that the charge of the court is wrong."
- Alexander Hamilton, advice to jurors to acquit
against the judge's instructions
"The jury has the right to determine both the law and the facts."
- Samuel Chase, signer of the Declaration of Independence,
and Supreme Court Justice, 1804
"The jury has a right to judge both the law
as well as the fact in controversy."
- John Jay, first Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court
( Georgia vs. Brailsford, 1794:4 )
"But, sir, the people themselves have it in their power effectually
to resist usurpation, without being driven to an appeal of arms.
An act of usurpation is not obligatory; it is not law; and any man
may be justified in his resistance. Let him be considered as a criminal
by the general government, yet only his fellow-citizens can convict him;
they are his jury, and if they pronounce him innocent, not all the powers
of Congress can hurt him; and innocent they certainly will pronounce him,
if the supposed law he resisted was an act of usurpation."
- Theophilus Parsons, in the Massachusetts Convention on the
ratification of the U.S. Constitution [Jonathan Elliot, ed.,
_The Debates of the Several State Conventions on the Adoption of the
Federal Constitution_, (New York, Burt Franklin: 1888), 2:94 ]
"In the trial of all criminal cases, the Jury shall be the
Judges of Law, as well as of fact, except that the Court may pass
upon the sufficiency of the evidence to sustain a conviction."
- Article XV, section 5, Constitution of Maryland.
"In all criminal cases whatsoever, the jury shall have the right to
determine the law and the facts."
- Indiana Constitution.
"If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the undisputed
power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the
law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence ... and the
courts must abide by that decision."
- US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006
"It would be an absurdity for jurors to be required to accept the judge's
view of the law, against their own opinion, judgement, and conscience."
- John Adams
--
Donald R. Newcomb * University of Southern Mississippi
[email protected] * This is the way we tax and spend, tax
[email protected] * and spend. We're Democrats in office.
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Message-Id: <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Would Like Your Quotes File
To: [email protected] (Jon Noring)
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 93 8:29:21 PDT
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Status: R
--
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence
with words in the proper order then why can't he? /fortune
--
Where am I going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
--
"I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have
changed several times since then." -- Alice
--
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist
it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard
of nonconformity. -- Bill Vaughan
--
Real Men are NOT afraid to say: "Fuck OFF, you're Not my type." -- Drieux
--
I try to take one day at a time, but lately
several days have attacked at once! (JP)
--
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
--
Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can
never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of
them all. How much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?
--C. S. Lewis
--
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it. --George Bernard Shaw
--
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless
manner, you have learned how to live. --Lin Yutang
--
It's men who make laws, and enforce them, and break them, and think
the whole performance is wonderful. Most women would rather just
ignore them. -- Ursula K. Le Guin
--
Even in mathematics, the sacred yoni appears in both the shape and
substance of 0, the void, while the lingam appears in the shape and
substance of 1, the creative lightning, and out of the union of the
0 and 1, all of the numbers of creation can be generated in binary
notation. -- Robert Anton Wilson
--
Advertising copy. Where sentences are replaced by participle phrases.
Noun phrases. And dangling conjunctions. Bleah. -- K
--
Anyone who believes exponential growth can go on forever in a finite
world is either a madman or an economist. -- Kenneth Boulding
--
My role model, inspiration, and heroine is Morticia Addams. -- Siouxsie Sioux
--
There is a California state law that says "All employees of
Apple Computer, Inc., must take either the Myers-Briggs
Personality Traits Battery or a urine test." I pissed on
the Myers-Briggs test. -- Mike Cappella
--
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer
--
All the world's a net! And all the data in it merely packets
come to store-and-forward in the queues a while and then are
heard no more. 'Tis a network waiting to be switched! -- Vint Cerf
--
In the future, computer companies will be famous for fifteen minutes.
-- Martin Streicher
--
Quality is Job 1.01. -- Daniel Sears
--
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves. --August Strindberg
--
"I'd like to buy him for what I think he is worth, and sell him
for what he thinks he is worth."
--
Four Stages of Acceptance:
1. This is worthless nonsense.
2. This is an interesting, but perverse, point of view.
3. This is true, but quite unimportant.
4. I always said so. --J.B.S. Haldane
--
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all,
has to make sense. --Mark Twain
--
[email protected] [email protected]
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. (fortune cookie)
--
[email protected] [email protected]
Purple shoes! I like that in a woman.
--
[email protected] [email protected]
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli
--
[The] Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some
people it is a complete substitute for life. -- Andrew Brown
--
I'm not a breast man. I'm a breast *person*. (jwh)
--
C'mon Mike. Would the dolphins give up their favorite
sandwiches to save our butts? -- John Grimes
--
This is Usenet. We're all masterbating in public places. -- Dawn
--
Beware the Vampire Jesus; he gave his blood for you
and he wants it all back--RIGHT NOW! (PB)
--
People are more violently opposed to fur than
leather because it's safer to harass rich women
than motorcycle gangs.
--
You slapped my face
Oh but so gently
I smiled
At the caress -- william carlos williams
--
Beware of Geeks bearing gifs. -- ST*
--
Some people move in lesbian circles,
I move in bisexual dodecahedrons. --RK
--
The enemy of science is irrationalism, not religion.
--Stephen Jay Gould
--
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-- Lillian Hellman
--
Who needs lime jello? We had lasagna... --In Joke Hall of Fame
--
I'll take Fucking Clues for $200. --Mark
--
To let understanding stop at what can be understood is a
high attainment. Those who cannot do it will be destroyed
on the lathe of heaven. Chuang Tse XXIII
--
A cat and his owner see a relationship counselor:
"He doesn't want you to run the vacuum cleaner or go out on dates."
--Nicole Hollander
--
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An ye harm none, do as ye will.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
--
That God is not other than the universe...does not diminish God
but rather elevates the universe. -- David Loy
--
It is Maya! Dost thou not know her?
Illusion -- dreams -- phantoms.
But, to the wise, Maya is more. -- Holst, "Savitri"
--
Anyone who wants to can call themselves a pervert or a queer,
but slut is a compliment you have to earn.
--
Cum deliramus,
ea numina significamus --"Profuit ignaris"
--
The truth will set you free,
but first it will piss you off for a while.
--
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation." --Stephen Crane
--
Suppose there were no hypothetical questions?
--
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
--
Yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfuly curled)
all worlds --e.e. cummings
--
The older woman flirts with a self-controlled awareness which can make her
assaults much more deadly than the blind rushes of the young -- Iris Murdoch
--
The force of gravity on the moon is a fraction of the gravity on the
earth, so the moon would not be able to attract the pen to inself.
Rather, it would only be able to suspend the pen."
--The Pen Is Mightier Than the Moon Hall of Fame
--
A more intimate theology, and one more consonant with the nature of...love,
pictures a demonic force engaged in continuous creation and participation.
-- Iris Murdoch
--
"One of us has to be a pragmatist." "Nonsense!"
--
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It is the time you have wasted for your rose
that makes your rose so important. Saint-Exupery
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
--
"What would *you* call the creation of the universe?"
"The Horrendous Space Klablooie!" -- Watterson
--
I didn't understand this at first, but YOUR CONVINCING USE
OF CAPITAL LETTERS HAS MADE IT ALL CLEAR TO ME. -- J. Nairn
--
Carpe diem (fish for ten cents) --Usenet Oracle
--
After many years of study, scientists have determined
that dogs bark "just for the hell of it." -- Smithsonian
--
"Excuse me. This life isn't working. I want to exchange it."
"Have you tried plugging it in?"
--
Sabina proceeded with her melancholy musings: What if she had
a man who ordered her about? A man who wanted to master her?
How long would she put up with him? Not five minutes!
>From which it follows that no man was right for her. Strong or weak.
--Kundera
--
Let's not drag any more dead herrings across the garden path.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
You're throwing out the baby to spite the bathwater.
--Bolloxed proverb hall of fame
--
The glove is on the other foot now.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
This is not a bootstrap process of stiffening the upper lip and digging into
unwanted independence, as some would have it.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
Look - either dualism sucks, or it doesn't.
--
We're caught on the horns of our own petard.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
Sometimes you want to ride herd over the default choices.
--Colorful metaphor hall of fame
--
You can separate the wheat from the shaft.
--Bolloxed proverb hall of fame
--
You've buttered your bread, now lie in it.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
I have a discussion topic I'd like to throw on the floor.
--Mixed idiom hall of fame
--
This bill goes to the very heart of the moral fiber of human anatomy.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
>From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-toothed comb.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
You either sink or swim, or you don't.
--Bolloxed proverb hall of fame
--
And that, in a breadbasket, is production control.
--Mixed idiom hall of fame
--
It's like looking for a camel in a haystack.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
Do under others as you would have them do under you.
--Bolloxed proverb hall of fame
--
I may look calm, but beneath this cool exterior is
a churning iceberg ready to explode.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
It's time to shit or get off the fan.
--Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
They were mad as a bunch of boiled owls.
--Colorful simile hall of fame
--
To see which way the tides are flowing, you have to feel the tea leaves.
--New-age cliche hall of fame
--
Picasso wasn't born in a day. --Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
--Bolloxed proverb hall of fame
--
Don't make a molehill out of a can of beans.
--
Were you waiting with baited breath to know if your life was still hanging
by a Sword of Damocles? --Mixed metaphor hall of fame
--
Dear Miss Manners --
Is it proper for a gentleman to compliment a lady on her tattoo?
--
SAYINGS
--
Most of the people I know are more critical of their own faults.
Especially when they find them in other people. -- Seth
--
It's so elegant that it's wrong.
--
The universe is not only queerer than we imagine,
it's queerer than we can imagine. -- J. B. S. Haldane
--
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe. -- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
--
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities
in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
-- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
--
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product,
in Any manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder
in the Universe. -- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
--
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
-- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
--
IMPORTANT NOTE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
ThisProduct, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product
in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
-- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
--
A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.
--
One day it was announced by master Joshu that the young monk Kyogen had
reached an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his
peers went to speak with him.
"We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
"It is," Kyogen answered.
"Tell us," said a friend, "how do you feel?"
"As miserable as ever," replied the enlightened Kyogen.
--
Your eyes are weary from staring at the screen. Your eyelids feel very heavy.
You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close
your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you
ever felt otherwise. When you awake you will follow up this post and
enthusiastically agree with it. Then you will send all your money to
[email protected].
--
Love was when you thought someone was so great that they should always
be happy, and you wanted to be part of making them happy. In love is
when you feel so good around someone that you always want to be around
them. -- Muffy Barkocy
--
I went to all that work to get him out of his shell,
and he really *was* a spineless mollusc! --Dame Enid Aurelia
--
"How would you like walking around with a frog in your drawers
that you couldn't get rid of?"
"What an astute metaphore for the masculine condition." -- Dawn/Charlie
--
All dates consist of three things; food, entertainment and
affection. At first, there is a lot of entertainment and only a
little affection. As the relationship progresses, the entertainment
is decreased and the affection is increased. When the affection
*becomes* the entertainment, we no longer call it "dating". At no
time may the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners
--
Say IT LOUD! Say IT PROUD!
I Ain't Gonna LET them FAGGOTS decide who Gets to CAMP IT UP!!!!
--drieux
--
You seem to have one of the common American delusions: that the Eleventh
Amendment in the Bill of Rights grants you the right to go through life
without being offended. Think again. --ALY
--
+---------------------------+
| This .sig has been |
| temporarily removed |
| for study. |
+---------------------------+ --Howard
--
I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah. --Sandra Hereld
--
I am not politically incorrect. I am politically challenged. --Matt Bloom
--
In the 17th century, Kikaku, one of the ten disciples of the great
Japanese poet Basho, composed a haiku:
Take a pair of wings
From a dragonfly, you would
Make a pepper-pod.
Basho told Kikaku: "That's not a haiku. You kill the dragonfly."
Kikaku recomposed the lines:
Add a pair of wings
To a pepper-pod, you would
Make a dragonfly. --Amal Naj, PEPPERS
--
You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him
to find it within himself. -- Galileo
--
The sin that most needs to be loved and forgiven
is the state of mind that sees human beings as sinners.
-- Thaddeus Golas in "The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment"
--
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. -- Sartre
--
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong
at the broken places. -- Hemingway
--
This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your
message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result
your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing.
Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [ny] y -- [email protected]
--
Years ago, I was musing with a biologist friend about the curse
"Jesus H. Christ!" and asked idly, "I wonder what the 'H' stands for?"
and my friend said "Haploid." I nearly died laughing. --Kathryn Huxtable
--
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice
what is adequately explained by stupidity.
--
It's better not to date anyone than to date someone who treats you like a
pair of slippers. --little 'e'
--
... of the many who beseech the Goddess to send them love, so few
will accept it when it comes, because it has come in what they consider
the wrong shape, or the wrong size, or at the wrong time. Against our
prejudices, even the Goddess strives in vain.
-- Diane Duane, DOOR INTO FIRE
--
Just as there are laws of Conservation of Matter and Energy, so there
are in fact Laws of Conservation of Pain and Joy. Neither can ever be
created or destroyed.
But one can be converted into the other. --Spider Robinson
--
We always thought there was something a little weird about Scooby Doo, but we
didn't realize he was in oppression-denial.
--The New Republic, discussing Feminists for Animal Rights
--
"And Walter, why does this issue concern you so?"
"The devil is paying me to have a conversation." -- Walter Lego
--
Endeavor to steer the craft of your narration
on a less serpentine course. -- Peter Shaffer, Lettice & Lovage
--
At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of
existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.
--Justice Anthony Kennedy
--
You're already a monk, try the libido instead. --Steve Swann
--
First they came for the drug users, and I said nothing because I wasn't
a drug user. Then they came for the atheists, and I said nothing because I
wasn't an atheist. Then they came for the hackers... [email protected]
--
Coming events do cast shadows. Writers know that their books are often
prophetic. One gratuitously imagines what is really going to happen.
Though since the fates are as teasing as oracles, the happening may be
curiously different from its prefigurement. --Iris Murdoch
--
"Because, my dear Julian, pure ignorant young girls cannot save
complicated neurotic over-educated older men from disaster, however
much they kid themselves that they can." --Iris Murdoch
--
I'm sorry, baby. You want monogamy? Marry a swan. -- HEARTBURN
--
But is not an event in fact more significant and noteworthy
the greater the number of fortuities necessary to bring it about?
Chance alone has a message for us....We read its message much as
gypsies read the images made by coffee grounds. --Kundera
--
If God were a woman, men would have vibrating dicks,
and three more tongues (strategically located). --Daniel Mocsny
--
Freedom's just another world for nothing left to lose. --Janis Joplin
--
There is a great difference between not wishing to do evil
and not knowing how. --Seneca
--
As formerly we suffered from crimes, so now we suffer from laws. --Tacitus
--
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
--
Anarchy. It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
--
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
--
Better is the enemy of good.
--
All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat."
--
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb, voting on what to have for lunch.
--
"It's a personal CD player! You said you wanted something personal!" -mhc
--
And if He closes before you
all passes and all ways
He'll show you a hidden pathway
which no one yet has known -- Maulana Rumi
--
...me and David were slow dancing. The odors of his brut cologne was
blowing my mind away and the feeling of his fingers on my back. You
know that great car-stomach feeling when you fly over a hump? That
was my whole body. -- Lynda Barry
--
Apollo, the God of light, of reason, of proportion, harmony, number --
Apollo blinds those who press too close in worship. Don't look straight
at the sun. Go into a dark bar and have a beer with Dionysos, every now
and then. -- U.K. LeGuin
--
At the first turning of the second stair
I turned and saw below
The same shape twisted on the banister
...
Under the vapour in the fetid air
Struggling with the devil of the stairs who wears
The deceitful face of hope and of despair. --TS Eliot
--
He wants to dream like a young man
With the wisdom of an old man,
He wants his home and security,
He wants to live like a sailor at sea --Bob Seger
--
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium --T.S. Eliot
--
Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled
About the center of the silent Word. --T.S. Eliot
--
i met a womyn from kentucky while i was in new orleans this summer
who found out that i am a vegetarian...she said:
"i'm a kittitarian."
she eats pussy-cats.....
ha ha ha ha ha...
so much for bi/lesbian/dyke/byke....we're all KITTITARIANS!!! --katie
--
In his chamber opera "Savitri" which is based upon the sanskrit
Mahabharata,
Holst has Satyavan sing about Maya:
It is Maya!
Dost thou not know her?
Illusion -- dreams -- phantoms.
But, to the wise,
Maya is more.
------------------
But, to the wise,
Maya is more.
Look around:
All that thou see'st,
Trees and shrubs,
The grass at thy feet,
All that walks or creeps,
All that flies from tree to tree,
All is unreal:
All is Maya.
Our bodies, our limbs, our very thoughts.
We ourselves are slaves to Maya.
What remaineth?
Who can say?
Love to the lover,
The child to the mother,
The song to the singer,
God to the worshipper;
These, wandering thro' the world of Maya,
Are perchance shadows of that which is. --Holst, "Savitri" (based upon the
sanskrit Mahabharata)
--
My Love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis, for object, strange and high;
It was begotten by Despair
Upon Impossibility. --Andrew Marvell
--
Human, do you know how interesting it is, this thing you describe?
Avata does not have a god. How is it that you have a god? Avata has
Self, has the universe. But you have a god. Where did you find this god?
--Frank Herbert
--
And the heat goes on...where the hand has been --Byrne/Eno
--
Had we never loved sae kindly
Had we never loved sae blindly
Never met, or never parted
We had ne'er been broken-hearted --Robert Burns
--
I aske not labored letters which should weare
Long papers out: nor letters which should feare
Dishonest carriage: or a seer's art:
Nor such as from the brayne come, but the hart. --John Donne
--
Cum deliramus,
ea numina significamus
(cum = with or by. deliramus = we go crazy, we run riot. ea numina = the
gods' will. significamus = we signify, denote, become, announce. "It is
when we run riot that we signify the gods." Or "By running riot, we do the
will of the gods." Or "It is when we run riot that we announce the will of
the gods." Or "By going crazy, we signify the will of the gods.") "Profuit
ignaris," "12th century poem of sexual invitation written by a churchman
to some young women who are behind the walls of a cloister. The speaker
turns his simple request into an elaborate argument considering the
purposes of love as the guiding principle of nature and the cosmos." --
Leonard Barkan, THE GODS MADE FLESH: METAMORPHOSIS AND THE PURSUIT OF
PAGANISM
--
...it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences
in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension
of beauty. --Kundera
--
Anyone whose god is "something higher" must expect someday
to suffer vertigo. Vertigo is something other than the fear
of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which
tempts and lures us; it is the desire to fall. --Kundera
--
Happiness is the longing for repetition. --Kundera
--
That God is not other than the universe...does not diminish God but rather
elevates the universe....those who choose to make an attempt to overcome
their egoism find their efforts aided by forces outside their conscious
control....the movement toward self-realization is inherent to the
structure of the universe....The Mayhayana Dharmakaya radiates love and
compassion to all, impersonally like the sun. --David Loy
--
In beauty may I walk
All day long may I walk
Through the returning seasons may I walk
Beautifully will I possess again
Beautiful birds...
Beautifully joyful birds...
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk
With grasshoppers about my feet may I walk
With dew about my feet may I walk
With beauty may I walk
With beauty before me may I walk
With beauty behind me may I walk
With beauty above me may I walk
With beauty all around me may I walk
In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, lively may I walk
In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk
It is finished in beauty
It is finished in beauty --Navajo Night Way chant
--
There is no room for death,
Nor atom that his might could render void;
Thou--Thou art Being and Breath
And what Thou art may never be destroyed. --Emily Bronte
--
Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost.
No birth, identity, form--no object of the world.
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
Ample are time and space--ample the fields of nature.
--CONTINUITIES, Walt Whitman
--
Joshu is my favorite Zen Master. It is said that a monk once asked him,
To be holy - what is it like?"
Joshu replied, "To dump a mountain of shit on a clean plain."
-- Disk Sutphen
--
Self-improvement is a dangerous form of vanity. -- Alan Watts
--
The meaning of here and now is beautifully illustrated by a Zen story of a
monk who was being chased by two tigers. He came to the edge of a cliff. He
looked back - the tigers were almost upon him. Noticing a vine leading over
the cliff, he quickly crawled over the edge and began to let himself down the
vine. Then as he checked below, he saw two tigers waiting for him at the
bottom of the cliff. He looked up and observed that two mice were knawing away
at the vine. Just then, he saw a beautiful strawberry within arm's reach. He
picked it and enjoyed the best tasting strawberry in his whole life!
-- Ken Keyes
--
Try Softer
A young boy traveled across Japan to the school of a famous
martial artist. When he arrived at the dojo he was given an audience
by the sensei.
"What do you wish from me?" the master asked. "I wish to be your
student and become the finest karateka in the land" the boy replied.
"How long must I study?"
"Ten years at least" the master answered. "Ten years is a long time,"
said the boy. "What if I studied twice as hard as all your other students?"
"Twenty years" replied the master. "Twenty years! What if I practice day
and night with all my effort?" "Thirty years" was the master's reply.
"How is it that each time I say I will work harder, you tell me it will
take longer?" the boy asked.
"The answer is clear. When one eye is fixed upon your destination,
there is only one eye left with which to find the way." -- Anonymous
--
Children, apples of my eyes, when you feel like weeping gems, go to the
garbage dumps, the dead ends of the labyrinth, the oubliettes, the cemeteries,
the charnal grounds. Find yourself a spot there and surrender to the
melancholy of the place, recollect the sadness around you and the misery of
the world, and wish ardently that they cease. The more sincere your feelings,
the clearer the gems that will form. Gems from cruelty have facets, gems from
broken hearts are purple or orange, the death of a child brings forth
emeralds; animals that people torment bring forth pearls and diamonds. The
deeper the emotion, the more luminous the gem. --Esther Rochon/Henry Polard
--
It is because of your disillusionments that you fly.... Here then is
the dragonfly with its four wings, full of confidence and joy, and
I am at the double junction of the wings. -- Esther Rochon/ Henry Polard