JOKES...
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve string in here." The string walks out of the bar. A man sees the string and says, "hey, buddy...let me help you." The man pulls out a knife, shreds both ends of the string and then ties the string up in the middle.
The string walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "ain't you the string I just threw out of here?" And the string says, "no, I'm a frayed knot."
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A father was at the beach with his children when
the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand,
and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the
refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother
pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost,
but eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on
the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary
recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When
the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the
cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the
recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw
the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped.
He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands
of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you
don't speak Spanish." The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair
of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New
Orleans prices." I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one
shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free."
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde
standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a
huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead
alligators were lined up."Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just
go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly, Johnny
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? ~Johnny
Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving
of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed
because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside
and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.
He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?"
he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home
is about three feet tall!"
Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates,
she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15
minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down
on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the
bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their
foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
And she was good.
And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob.
And God created man.
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had
a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the
gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven.
There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't
bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in
any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven
for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had
stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person
in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly
torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second
ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to
these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen,
she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said,
"He stepped on a duck."
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on
Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman
answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to
make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that
witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the
bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"