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We all have "mood swings" every once in a while. Some "mood swings" are positive and some are negative, however after everything is said and done you will return to normal. When a person starts to experience these "mood swings", the person will usually not realize that he/she is having a "mood swing". Some people will describe "mood swings" as "highs" and "lows". Also many times when a person in seen to go into a "low-mood swing" (negative mood swing), doctors will tend to want to subscribe medicine for those times that he/she in experiencing the "low-mood swing".
I have been having many "mood swings" lately. I have been experiencing them more and more, especially when I am trying to defeat this depression that I am in. I have also had extremely negative "mood swings" when I have challenged my family's loyalties. This has put me in a dangerous "low-mood swing" because of the feeling of betrayal through those family members. This in-turn has caused me to realize that the patterns that I am use to having may not follow the same patterns. An example of this is my "self-destruction" periods. There is always a pattern of warnings, however the warnings can be false if there is too much negative emotion blocking my view.
I thought that the warnings that I was experiencing, last week, were to warn me that I was about to go through a "self-destruction" period. I was wrong; it was an imbalance of negative emotions. This imbalance was vented through physical labor, however could have escalated into a "snapping period" (which I haven't had in a long time). Thankfully the imbalance of negative emotion was vented in a good way, however that type of imbalance could be classified as a negative "mood swing". If a doctor had seen this, I would be on medication now.
I have a lot of imbalances going on in my mind. This is why I have so many "mood swings" that will come and go, all the time. These imbalances are due to the lack of repression that I have been doing lately. I know that I can become a very dangerous person if stuff like this gets out of hand. I also know that I have a long road ahead of me when it comes to this depression. These are facts that I will not ignore, and I will deal with to the best of my abilities. The therapy that I have having should give me a better version of contact with my emotions. Hopefully the connection to my emotions will be enough to help me deal with this depression in a better way than I have been lately.
When I have a great imbalance of emotions, it is usually due to someone telling me that my judgment is wrong. It may seem like a small thing, however the imbalance will come when my judgment is questioned without making any real sense to me. This is something that can be very frustrating, which causes the imbalance to happen. Thankfully this imbalance only will happen when I feel like I am being attacked, and it only has happened once lately. This can be an easy when to be committed to a mental health facility, however I have enough control to stop that from happening.
With the repression of emotions that I have gone through, there seems to be a lot more negative emotions than positive ones that are buried. This is not a good thing because I know that I am not a negative person by nature. I know that I have a lot of things to work through, and a lot of things to find within myself; but I am not an evil person. With this much negativity being repressed, I question whether I should unbury it all or not. This type of second-guessing can become more destructive than anything else.
I have been preparing for the worst, ever since I started to uncover the things that have caused my depression. I have also decided that I need to do this very carefully because of the seriousness of my depression, and the reasons for my depression. I know that I need to regain control of my sanity, however I also know that there is a lot of pain & suffering that others must feel for me to obtain my sanity. I do feel awkward about needing to cause any pain & suffering to anyone because I have never done anything like that in my past. I have always done whatever was necessary to keep others happy, regardless of the cost to myself. Unfortunately this type of way to live must end.
The end to my depression is nowhere in sight, however I do know that the end will come after time. I have told my parents to not interfere in my life until I decide it is time for them to do so. What this means is that I told them to not tell me to "think about settling down" and to not "make others do it for them". I have told them that if they want me to be happy, then they will have to trust me. I did this type of talk with them on Sunday night when the rest of the family had already left the house. I told them that if I was going to "settle down" with someone it would be at least 3 years down the road, when I hope I will be prepared to do something of that sort. My parents have said that they do not know what I am talking about, however if you have read any of the other things that are on this site; you would know better just as I do.
My mind will be going through multiple "mood swings" for a while. I will be up and down with the "mood swings" and hopefully I can get through them enough to continue with ending the depression. I know that ending this depression will take time, and hopefully when my secret is finally out I will be able to end the depression. I know that I will be facing one hell of a war with everyone when my secret is out, however I really don't care. I have to do things for myself, and to do that I have to change enough to end the depression one way or the other.
Time is the thing that may be against me. I have dug around into the past and found out some details that I didn't know about. I hope that whatever I may discover in the past is able to help me deal with everything that is in my life now. I know that many people will not understand why I put myself in the depression. I know that I have been having problems understanding it, myself. Time will be the only thing to tell when it is necessary for the next few steps to happen. The depression will end regardless of the cost to myself.
Many people would try to keep anything of his/her past a secret, however I am faced with the need to expose my past. For my mind to finally be at ease, for my family to finally understand me, and for me to regain my sanity; the past will need to be exposed. This will cause a lot of fighting amongst my family and other families, however it will be necessary for me to finally be able to move on. The depression has caused me more damage than anyone can image. Now I am faced with the need to end it all.
My mind has been fighting with itself since I decided to end the depression. I have been asking the odd question about some feelings. I have asked these questions to those that know I am in a depression. I have asked the questions dealing with crushes, lust, and love. These questions I have asked because I have only experienced the first two, but not the big one. I only realized that I had experienced those two when I started to end my depression. I understood the whole thing dealing with lust. I understand more about crushes, especially where I did have one or two when I was in school. However I haven't experienced anything dealing with love.
The more that I talk about love, the more that people seem confused. Where I have always been fearful of that emotion, I know that I haven't experienced it. I knew that if I experienced that emotion during my depression that my depression would end instantly. The problem is that I would have been crushed by all of the emotions that would be no longer repressed by the depression. This is why I have always feared the emotion of love. I have been told that I will know it when it happens, however I still have a bit of fear of that emotion.
Time is the only thing that knows what my life will have happen to it. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, and hopefully my family will stand by me throughout the whole ordeal. Time will only tell how long it will be before the depression or the secret is finally dealt with in the proper manner.
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