Table of Contents



Issue No. 5, August/September 1998

"Read it or die!"





Standard Dungeon Equipment



Retributive Strike (letters, reviews, opinions, and other nonsense)

Dear Bozo (where our resident psychopathic gnomish jester imparts his "wisdom" on anyone foolish enough to ask for it)

Minstrel's Musings (poetry, riddles, jokes, etc.)

Inn of the Rampaging Dragon (for members only. Here you will find the guidelines for posting to the bulletin board)

Adventuring Advice for Amateurs (a tongue-in-cheek look at the oddities of fantasy roleplaying)

Archives (here we post our old issues in a text-only format. For those masochists who really enjoy pain)





Altered Reality



"Blood and Souls," by Naugrim

"Man's Best Friend," by David Fox

"A Few Thoughts on Microsoft," by the FBS

"A Few Thoughts on Online Roleplaying," by the FBS

"Favorite Vampire Flicks," by FBS

"Movies: Bill Murray and Acting in General," by the FBS

"Romance Movies," by the FBS

"Movies for Real Men," by the FBS

"Roll of the Dice: Part III," by the FBS







Retributive Strike!

*Where the editors, authors, and readers get the opportunity to say hello or express their views (no matter how ill-conceived).

Letter from the Editor

Well, here we are with our fifth issue already. We have decided to put out an issue every two months, so hopefully everyone will be able to contribute something regularly. We also have a bit of a different feel to this month's issue, owing to the fact that we only have three stories but several articles. The Inn was very busy lately with a variety of debates over many topics, most notably movies. Seems we all have strong opinions on movies, and these may be found in some of the articles included here (thanks to Faffard for sparking these). Thanks also to Dave for some very funny stuff and to John for his story, as well as to everyone who contributed to "Roll of the Dice" (which really picked up its pace) or to the debates in the Inn. Hope all of you enjoy the issue.

- Brian











Dear Bozo,

[The views expressed in this column are NOT those of the editors. Any and all threats of death or legal action should be directed solely to the author.]







Dear Bozo,

I recently took part in a canoe war of epic proportion. There were many casualties and much plunder. There was this one marauder in a damnable white skiff that was hard to get to. Bozo, in the next canoe battle, I would like to send this privateer to Davy Jones' locker. Any advice?

Signed,

A Crewmember of the Mighty Green Dreadnaught



Dear C.M.G.D.,

Although I cannot claim that I have vast experience with aquatic warring, I do understand the art of killing. I respect your bloodlust but scorn your lazy approach to destroying the "marauder in the damnable whit skiff". You claim that he was "hard to get to". Whine, whine, whine. As my pappy used to say to me, "anyone worth killing, is worth killing right.......never give up......do or do not, there is no try....... what don't kill you only makes you stronger........ whistle while you work..... if at first you don't succeed, try, try......aarrgghh....you stabbed me you little bastard". My pappy always did have a way with words, but I got tired of listening to him. My motto is "what don't kill you, should be killed by you". So buck up little pirate and get out there and kill that marauder. I suggest attacking when he least expects it, like when he is asleep. Good luck. I'm behind you all of the way.... so watch out.

Your pal,

Bozo



*



Dear Bozo,

I can't believe that I am writing to you but here goes. I am a 17th level barbarian fighter who is in his twilight years. I have noticed some changes recently that have me concerned as well as my six concubines. Instead of adventuring, killing, and stealing, I find that I enjoy reading romance novels, crying, and trying on women's clothes. I also haven't had an erection in over 2 years. I am afraid that my friends will disapprove, my concubines will leave me and take their clothes, and that I will be made fun of by all. Please help Bozo-wan, you are my only hope.

Sign me,

Scared and confused



Dear Sissy Boy,

I have one question to ask you.... why didn't you include a return address? I have a burning urge to kill you. I have three suggestions for you. First, consider killing yourself or letting someone else do the honors. Second, put on your prettiest dress and walk into the local bar and sing a Barbara Streisand tune. And number C, consider killing yourself or letting someone else do the honors. I hope that you find this helpful. If your concubines are in need of a new master, please send them my way as I have discovered the miracle of Viagra. Just remember, when life is getting you down, kill yourself. Have a nice day.

Your Platonic friend

Bozo



*



Dear Bozo,

I find your column offensive and in bad taste. You constantly abuse those that write in and pour their innermost secrets out to you. You berate everyone and offer only violence as a solution for every problem. You are truly a twisted little man with a great deal of emotional problems. I would recommend counseling but in your case I don't think that it would help. Please consider changing your approach to helping others or discontinuing your column.

Sign me,

Dear Abby



Dear Abby,

I see the error in my ways. You are right. I must do something about this. I would greatly appreciate your counsel. Will you kindly send me your address so that I may work with you to become a better and more caring gnome. I will anxiously await your reply.

Your bloodthirsty friend,

Bozo









Minstrel's Musings

*Poetry, riddles, and various ramblings...



I have no body but I speak though my voice may be weak.

Don't throw insults at me, or I'll throw them triple at thee.

[Brian F. Fox]

[Echo]



*

Ode to the Passing of a Friend



Here I sit with axe in hand

working and struggling to understand

why I shouldn't just rise and kill

that which steals from life its thrill.

He kills, tortures and causes pain.

I am certain that he's insane.

I think it's time to take a stand.

to grab my axe in my mighty hand.

To track and stalk this bane of good

to break his neck like a twig of wood

I crave the time when my axe finds its home

in the neck of the one called Bozo the gnome.



Balin Brokenshield, Esq.





*



What is wet when it's warm, dry when it's cold, and gone when it's hot?

What do you need to survive that can kill you if you breathe it in?

What allows you to lay down and not fall, even when it stays still, but yet is not solid?

[Brian]

[water]



*



Games of Old



In the days of old

when gamers were bold

and flatulence filled the air.



A gathering of boys

in search of D&D joys

began gaming without a care.



Handy Way food we did consume

while sequestered in a room

as we mastered the game called D&D.



We drank soda and beer

and had nary a care

except when we were in a melee.



With names like Faffard, Proteus, and Palin

we created demi-gods to equal the great Balin

and at times we had to mourn their death.



Many lessons were learned

and even more experienced points were earned

but the excitement would take away your breath.



For some the game did end

as others play again

but all of us will always know

the true meaning of "hanging low".



the nihilistic poet













"Blood and Souls"



"Oh�I love to fight, I love to kill, I love to hack and slay�and when I'm done with all that fun�.I love to drink all day�"

It was many years ago that that fight song rose from our throats as we entered the fray of our role-playing campaigns. The battles were fierce and the carnage was great and terrible. The reality of such carnage never occurred to us. As for me, I was sheltered from anything that could even be close in rural Putnam county. It wasn't until much later in my life that I would witness the evil that men do.



Approximately three weeks into my training as a patrol officer in Eastern North Carolina, I was standing in a convenience store with my training officer. The night had been uneventful and we had just stopped in for a cup of coffee. As we talked with the clerk and browsed the latest edition of the Bargain trader, we heard a single shot. There was no mistaking the sound since it was fairly close and had the distinct 'flat-crack' of small-arms fire. My training officer made a comment� "hmmmm, somebody probably just got shot"( especially since we were in a rougher part of town). Within moments the radio squawked, "All units be advised, report of a subject's just been shot on Farmville Blvd near Tyson Street." My eyes grew wide as I realized that was only three blocks from where we were. As we raced toward our patrol car, my T.O. was calling for a suspect description.



The scene was pure chaos. People from the neighborhood were all out in the street. Two other officers had arrived moments before us and secured the scene. I was assigned as the preliminary investigating officer. As I approached the victim, who was lying in a yard, EMS pulled up. The victim had been shot in the throat and was beginning to convulse. Blood soaked the ground and a large piece of what I believed to be his neck was lying nearby. I felt a bit sick but was too focused on containing the crowd and gathering information from witnesses to be sick. While still on the scene, the victim died. EMS went through the motions, but the young boy was already dead. He was 15 years old and his name was Yusha Hemal Paige. After the scene was cleared and while sitting alone in the Police Department writing my report, I had a chance to really think about what I saw. The lights, the sirens blaring, the screaming, the crying, the struggle to save a life�the blood�the dying�all were images that were forever carved into my psyche.



It was the first homicide victim I had ever seen. In a way, I had actually witnessed the event�at least, I heard it happen. I couldn't help think that If I had been patrolling that stretch instead of standing in the store, a 15 year old boy might still be alive. It was my first homicide�my first true critical incident�but it was certainly not the last.

Blood and Souls.

Naugrim



Recap



We were first introduced to the half-elfin fighter/thief Dane ConDoin and the giant wolf Clutch of the Mist Wolf Clan when Dane was reminiscing about their first encounter. Dane had been hired by a wealthy Baron to recover his kidnaped daughter and offered a total of 1000 gold pieces for the service. Dane, an expert tracker, fighter, not-to-mention thief, easily picked up the trail of the group that had kidnaped the baron's daughter. After closing in on his target, Dane sized up the group as one troll, leading the pack, and five orcs, one of which was carrying the apparently unconscious girl in a burlap sack. The kidnappers broke for camp and began heavily drinking and soon fell into a drunken slumber.



Dane camouflaged himself using a cloak of invisibility and decided to sleep a few hours so that he could strike the group when they were in deepest sleep. He intended to kill them all before they awoke and get the girl out in one piece. Upon waking, he discovered that something else had already killed the entire group and the girl was missing. He immediately assessed the situation and determined that the kidnappers had their throats ripped open and blood was everywhere. He also found large dog or wolf tracks all over the place and the tracks of what he figured were the girl leaving the camp area quickly. Dane opted to track the girl and finish the job of recovering her.



While tracking the girl, he felt that he was being followed and swiftly camouflaged himself using his cloak of invisibility and natural cover. A few minutes later the largest wolf that he had ever seen came into view and was actively searching for him. Dane held perfectly still and waited for the wolf to pass assuming correctly that it was one of the vicious killers that had done his work for him. The wolf also waited for his prey to show itself as he was unsure of its location. Time passed and Dane suddenly felt his mind being probed and took evasive mental response. He deduced that it was the great wolf that was seeking his mind and that the wolf was very intelligent.



Dane began a dangerous dialogue with the great wolf who identified himself as Clutch of the Mist Wolf Clan. Dane hoped to escape with his life and Clutch hoped to end that same life. Dane negotiates a contest for his freedom. The contest involves a one question riddle and Clutch answers it incorrectly which wins Dane his freedom and his life. Dane cautiously steps into view and greets Clutch. Clutch is intrigued by this "pet" as he calls Dane and the discussion continues. Clutch, out of curiosity of Dane, offers to assist him in finding the girl and they both continue their mental communication while trailing the frightened girl.





Man's Best Friend

Part 2 of the Dane Chronicles



by



David Fox



I will forever be amazed at how graceful a three hundred pound wolf can move through a thick forest. It was a challenge to keep up with Clutch of the Mist Wolves Clan. He loped along easily while continuing to converse with me mentally. I believe that this intelligent giant wolf was authentically intrigued by me. As a half-elf, I have an innate respect far all creatures of the forest but I found that I had more of an awe for Clutch. I had never encountered a creature of his abilities and had thought them only of myth.



Clutch and I spoke of many things including his clan, the Mist Wolves Clan, and of his standing as the eldest son to the Alpha Male or chief of his clan. It was apparent that he and his father were not on good terms. Clutch also shared that he has strong desires to leave the confines of his forest territory and see other lands. Apparently this was not the norm for the typical clan member who more commonly stayed within the safe confines of their forest home. As our conversation continued, I noticed that Clutch did not share specifics about his clan such as numbers and its location. I assumed this was a long standing practice and the main reason that his group continues to survive.



Clutch seemed naturally curious about me and my travels. I told him of my skills as a tracker and finder of lost items (often before they are truly lost). I also told him of the many places that I have seen and shared some of my better tales of adventure. He seemed moderately impressed. Clutch then communicated in his unique way about my reason for trying to rescue the girl. This was a tricky question because I was not sure how Clutch would feel about me pursuing her just for the bounty. I was also not sure that if he knew the truth, that I was to receive a handsome reward, that he would not demand a share. My rationale was that I did not hire him or even ask for his assistance, so therefore I am not obligated to cut him in. I chose to answer his question with a partial truth, "the child's father requested my expert skills and I felt that I could not refuse". Clutch then added, "the reward money was also something that you could not refuse". I simply responded by thinking, "it's a living".



I was getting more comfortable with this form of communication but I wanted to know more about how it worked, so I changed the subject to asking Clutch about this topic. Clutch responded that his clan and those of his species are gifted with the ability to reach others' minds. "Some say that we were granted this gift for saving the life of a great wizard many ages ago. But others consider that just myth". I asked him if I could be taught this skill. He said, "I am not sure if pets like yourself may master this skill but some among my clan feel that many creatures have this capability but just have not discovered how to access it".



By now we were moving quickly through the moist forest and the sun was resting high in the sky. Clutch proved to be an excellent tracker and informed me that we were not more than 40 minutes behind her. Fortunately for us, she wondered through the forest as aimlessly as a drunken dwarf. Clutch and I continued our discussions while we stealthily moved through the thick woods. I quickly found that I enjoyed this form of communication with its many benefits such as the ability to carry on a conversation while moving at a swift pace.



As we continued our pursuit, I summoned the courage to ask Clutch why his clan kills all that enter their woods. He responded with what I could only guess was a mental laugh. He then stated "only those who are friends of the Mist Clan may travel our woods. All others are prey. In most cases, we opt to chase away rather than kill. To discourage visitors, we only need to leave tracks during the night near their camp or eliminate one of their horses. We judge pets to be a destructive and dangerous lot". I interrupted him with a question as to his reference to humanoids as pets. He replied with, "Pets are those of your kind. It is our nickname of sorts for all two-leggers". I wasn't sure if I liked this reference but I did see the humor in it.



Clutch continued, "Though not all pets are worthy of being destroyed. You for example seem of a different breed. At least one that I find curious". I received this compliment with mixed feelings. By this time, we were closing the distance with the girl. Another few minutes of travel and we found ourselves looking down a steep incline which led to a creek. Next to the creek, I was pleased to see a young girl resting and drinking water. Clutch projected, "she seems well enough considering her recent adventure. She looks very nervous though. I doubt that we would improve her level of anxiety if she sees me with you. The last time she encountered me will probably give her many nights of cold sweats". Somehow I sensed that Clutch found humor in his last statement. None-the-less, he was correct and I agreed that I should approach her alone.



I wrapped my cloak of invisibility around me and disappeared to the untrained eye. In reality, I was still very much there but through the use of my enchanted cloak I could blend into the natural surroundings perfectly. The camouflage is not perfect if I am moving but good enough to let me get dangerously close if I am moving silently. "Nice trick", Clutch suggested, "I assume that is how you avoided me". I smiled, "that along with my limitless natural skills". I quietly moved down the incline and carefully approached the girl. I wanted to get close enough to her that I could stop her if she decided to bolt out of fear. I snuck down to the tree line and uncloaked behind a tree.



I stepped out from my cover and said, "Good morning, please do not be afraid". The girl jumped to her feet and spun around to face me. I could tell that she was no more than 14 or 15 years old and was very upset. Understandably, she was frightened and looked very dirty and hungry. With impressive speed she turned and ran straight into the creek. She had underestimated the depth of the creek and went underwater. By the way she thrashed around, it occurred to me that she could not swim. I thought about my next move for a moment. "Should I jump in and get wet and pummeled by a drowning girl or should I throw a rope and hope that she grabs it before she drowns". In my mind I heard, "I will be very disappointed in you Pet if you let the child die". "I was just about to help her", I replied. I waded into the water and threw out my rope until she grabbed it and pulled her up onto shore. The girl was much calmer now that she had a mouthful of water.



I calmly explained to her that I had been sent by her father to rescue her. She then picked up a couple of rocks and told me that I was not truthful and wished her harm. She said that her father had been dead for two years and could not have hired me. I described the baron to her and she sat back down with a look of understanding. The girl then told me that the baron was not her father but rather her guardian. The baron assumed custody of the girl when her parents were killed in a fire. He was a close family friend and business partner of her father. She further told me that her name was Glonwynn but I could call her Wynn. Wynn struck me as a spunky kid who liked to talk a lot. Normally, I enjoyed a little conversation but I was beat tired and I needed rest. I decided to try out my new form of communication by asking Clutch, "We need rest, can we sleep here or must we move on?" Clutch informed me that there is a safer spot near the top of the incline and suggested that we stay there.

I escorted Wynn to the site that Clutch recommended and created a camouflaged camp and told her to sleep. I tried to sleep but found it difficult with thoughts of 300 pound wolves biting through my neck. I assume that I did sleep some but I was not well rested. It was early morning when I decided that it was time to wake the girl and make the trip back. Another day's travel and I would be 600 gold pieces heavier. That's all the motivation that I needed.



Sitting up and shaking the sleep from my head, I sensed that Clutch was calling me. I opened my mind and heard, "It's about time, I thought that you might sleep the day away. I have stood watch over you both while you enjoyed your nap and report nothing moved about, with the exception of the prize that I have collected for you. You should find it located about 30 feet behind you". I got up and walked to the area that Clutch had described and found two freshly killed rabbits. I thanked Clutch for his generosity and he replied with a sarcastic, "Don't get too used to it". I prepared the rabbits and began cooking them when the girl awoke. She was not sleeping very soundly but I suppose that this is understandable considering her recent experiences. She climbed back down to the creek to freshen up and to retrieve water.



I found it odd that we were being watched over by a 300 pound wolf and I felt safe because of it. I was additionally impressed that I had not even glimpsed him yet he watched us without flaw. I would forever feel a little different about my travels in the wild because of this. I contacted Clutch and asked if he had eaten and he replied that he had. After enjoying a warm meal, we quickly broke camp and began the return trip with Clutch following near but not within my vision, which says a lot about his ability to move unseen as I have what many would consider as superior vision and woodscraft.



The return trip was relatively uneventful with the exception of Wynn having difficulty keeping the pace that I was setting. We had to stop a few times to rest but at least I didn't have to carry her. She seem pretty tough for such a young and privileged girl. I was mildly impressed with the fact that she did not complain and never asked for a break. Throughout the trip, I took advantage of the time to continue my discussions with Clutch via our mental link. I learned a great deal about Clutch and his culture which I found very civilized.



As we were approaching the town of Dirksville, I sensed a heightened awareness and caution with Clutch. As the road that leads into town appeared before us, Clutch said, "I must go now. Unfortunately, we must part ways now, Pet". I stopped and Wynn looked at me and asked what was wrong. I ignored her and replied to Clutch, "I understand. I sincerely hope that I will have a chance to travel and speak with you again. I consider you a creature of impressive talents and intelligence and a friend. I hope that one day I will be able to repay you for your generosity and assistance". "You will be considered a friend of the Mist Wolves Clan and welcome in our home as long as you have no ill will. Travel safely and may your prey be swift but you be swifter". I then sensed Clutch's departure. I felt a twinge of regret as I was authentically impressed by this great creature.



I noticed Wynn staring at me and said, "Let's go and get you home". We began the last two mile walk to town. It was early evening by the time we reached the outskirts of Dirksville. This is a coastal merchant town with a reputation for its nighttime activities. I felt right at home and looked forward to a good meal, a bath, a warm bed, and a game or two. It also has a long standing and well established Thieves Guild. One of the most organized, powerful, and lucrative guilds in the area. I have worked with some of the Dirksville Guild members in the past and they seem to be a very honorable lot. I felt very safe in this town but if given a choice, I would still prefer to be in the woods where I find things more predictable, at least until recently.



Wynn escorted me through the city gates and to the Baron's home. The home was a small castle near the opposite side of town and seemed well equipped for comfort. Upon approaching the front gate, a guard called for the gate to be opened and it was obvious that there was excitement at seeing the return of the Baron's ward. In a matter of minutes, the Baron was seen hurrying to meet us. He seemed authentically happy to see Wynn and quickly overwhelmed her with doting maids who tried to whisk her away to get her cleaned up and nursed back to health. She stopped long enough to thank me for returning her and told me that she will always be indebted to my bravery. I felt honored but was really looking forward to the type of thanks that can be spent.



After Wynn took her leave, the Baron turned towards me and said, "You are as good as they say you are. Many doubted your chances for success let alone if I would ever see you again. Thank you for returning Wynn to us. Is there any way that I can express my appreciation to you?" I smiled and said that it was just what I was hired to do. I elected to omit explaining about the kidnapper orcs with missing necks and the giant talking wolf. The less known the better. I was surprised that he didn't ask about the kidnappers. Maybe he was just glad to see Wynn back and that was enough. Either way, I said that I would like to get a bed and a meal so if possible, I would like to collect my money and take my leave. The Baron said that he didn't have the money right now but would have it in the morning. He continued, "I realize that this is an inconvenience but I really didn't expect you so soon and I had guards on the lookout for you so that I could prepare for your coming. I feel terrible and hope that you will allow me to place you in one of the finer inns in our town until the morning when I will have your 600 gold pieces and a bonus for returning our beloved Wynn. I also want you to feel free to call on me anytime as I am indebted to you". I accepted his offer and was off to the Hornets Nest Inn. Apparently one of the more comfortable inns in town. I have never been one to not take a gift and I was dead beat tired.



The Hornets Nest Inn was a great inn with great food. The bartender was very pleasant and kept the drinks coming, compliments of the Baron he said. Like I said, I am never one to turndown a gift. I drank my fill and someone else's fill too and decided to turn in and get some well deserved sleep. I couldn't help but continue to think about Clutch. I was very curious about him and his kind and considered myself very fortunate to meet him. I wondered where he was now. I bid the bartender good night and climbed the stairs to the second floor and entered what was a very nice room. I took my usual precautions such as chair in front of locked door and lock the window and place a bottle on the window sill. I quickly fell asleep.



I awoke abruptly to see a hand carefully moving the bottle on the window sill and slowly, professionally moving through the now open window. He was a small figure dressed all in grey with no distinguishing features. I stayed perfectly still to see what he was after. Most of my weapons were out of quick reach but I did have a tainted dagger under the pillow. I held my position while I watched my guest unsheathe an evil looking curved shortsword. The blade was all black but it obviously had a liquid on it that I could only assume was not good for me. At this point, I decided that I was not dealing with your average street burglar and slowly moved my hand toward my dagger. Not my first choice for a weapon against a shortsword but beggars can't be choosers. Apparently I was too slow as my guest swung his sword down at my neck. I manage to roll and deflect the blow with the pillow. The strike hurt like hell but made no cut.



I lost track of my dagger but I was now on my feet and close enough to my assailant to fight hand-to-hand. I was bigger than my guest and hoped I could take him before he used that frog sticker on me. My mind raced as I looked for an opening in his defenses. He wore a full face cover so I could barely see his eyes. He also had agility and speed so I knew I had my hands full. The sword whipped past my ear and I barely avoided a second encounter with his blade. The blade managed to cut the pillow open slightly and down feathers began to fall from it. The light in the room was poor and the encounter was making virtually no noise. I had to think of something fast before my pillow fight goes bad on me. I was pretty desperate so I tried something that was a long shot. I swung the pillow down on my guest and the down feathers went everywhere and temporarily blinded us both. I then dove at my assailant and crashed into him and began to struggle. I could feel that he still had his sword and was trying to get it into me.

We struggled in the dark for a few seconds and then I drove him towards the window with all of my might. He crashed through the window but never let go of me. I was impressed with his strength for his size. The window gave way and broke and we both fell through suddenly. The fall from the second story knocked the wind out of me and injured my leg but my opponent lay still with a large shard of glass sticking out of his neck. I peeled his mask off and saw the face of a young boy not more than 15 years old. I decided not to involve the local law as I was a stranger who just killed a boy and my profession does not instill that kind of fair treatment from the law that you might expect. I quickly stripped his body of any valuables such as money, rings, and weapons. I also decided to take his nasty little sword. That is when I noticed that I had been cut slightly on the leg. I looked at the sword and noticed some blood on it. At that point I was less than happy as I was pretty sure that I had been poisoned and had no idea what kind of poison that it was. I could go to sleep or I could take "The Big Sleep". I thought, my only hope is to take this sword and try to identify the poison and get a cure.



I also assumed that I would have company any minute now due to the noise of the broken window. The City Guard would be on me any minute so I decided to take my leave. As I was leaving the alley, I saw a group of guards coming towards the alley so I turned and tried to exit out of the other side of the alley but that plan was also dashed when I saw a couple of guards closing in fast. None of them seemed to have seen me yet but I was pinned. I could climb the wall back to my room but I might not have time and I might encounter more guards in the inn. I decided to hide. I wrapped my cloak around me and squatted down into a corner and held perfectly still. They search the area, the victim, the window, the ground, the roof, and whatever else they could search but they found nothing of any consequence. I guess they would have never figured that I would be sitting only forty feet away. This bumbling investigation took over 30 minutes and by now I was feeling the effects of the poison.



I guess that I only received a low dosage of it but I was still feeling very sleepy. I was not sure if I had enough to kill me but I was sure that I was not in the position to move. I watched the guards collect the body and leave. I tried to get up but was barely able. My mind began to wander and I thought of Clutch. I thought that I would like to talk to Clutch again before I went to sleep. I guess it was the poison that clouded my thinking but I immediately heard Clutch in my mind saying, "How goes your hunt, Pet". I was amazed that I actually was talking to him. I simply replied, "Pretty good except I think that I am dying" and briefly explained my situation and where I was located. I remember sticking the sword in my belt and falling over when I must have passed out.



When I awoke, I was lying in the woods under a thick bush. I immediately replayed the recent events and remembered "talking" to Clutch. I mentally reached out to him and he responded, "Glad to see that you didn't die. I would hate to have to eat your bony carcass for breakfast. I am sure that it would not be a very good meal". I was very relieved to see him and asked him how I got there. Clutch explained that he responded to my call and entered Dirksville to recover me. This was a very bold thing for Clutch to do as he had never been within two miles of human civilization. Apparently, I continued my link with Clutch even when I was semi-conscious and fell, which must have made me visible. Clutch managed to get me to climb onto his back and he carried me to the woods where he treated me with herb-lore. I don't really remember any of this so I must have been out of it.



Clutch did comment on how unusual the town was and how unlike what he had been told about towns and Pets. I thanked Clutch for his assistance and he replied with, "That's twice that I saved your life. The first time was when I let you live and then now. How will you ever pay me back for this? What price does a Pet place on his life?" I said that I had thanked him and asked what else did he want. He said, "Well I guess that you are going to have to accept me as a traveling companion for a while. You need someone to keep you alive and it looks like that honor falls to me. Anyway, I have to hang around long enough to figure out what to ask of you for saving your life".



I was not in the position to bargain so I agreed. I had my work cut out for me with trying to figure out why someone wanted me dead and who that someone was. I decided that I would figure this mystery out and make it go away. I also had the pleasure of collecting 600 gold pieces from a leader of the community where I just committed murder, according to the city guard. It won't take them long to figure out who was registered in that room and connect it to the dead kid. Especially since I am missing. I made a mental note to never allow someone else to register me in a inn. I never use my real name and I am sure that the Baron did. Coincidence, I am not sure. Either way I am sure that my next meeting with the Baron will be profitable.









"A Few Thoughts on Microsoft"



by



Fellowship of the Broken Sword



[This was a discussion held in the Inn of the Rampaging Dragon. I have excerpted many of the comments for this article.]



If you don't currently have a word processor or maybe you would like to upgrade, I have a deal for you! CompUSA currently has Corel WordPerfect Suite 7 for $29.99 and inside the box is a cashback coupon(mail in) for $30! After taxes you've paid $1.94 for a very powerful office suite. It is the upgrade version but I never had to verify the qualifying products, also it's not the most current version (originally created for windows3.1) but if you just need it for personal use (like creating stuff for the sword) it's like taking the Cadillac to the grocery store. there is more available than u could possibly need without owning a business.



Kevin



*



Kevin,

Good eye! That is a heckuva deal if ever I saw one. One thing, though: the latest version of WordPerfect (and its suite of programs) >is actually 8 (designed specifically for Win95). With my

educator/student discount I was able to buy the suite for $40.00 (at an appropriate store), so you may or may not be able to get this deal. It is truly a fantastic program, and I like it MUCH better than the latest Office 98 suite (in fact, I used WordPerfect 8 to make the pages for the Sword). One thing, though: I had problems running Corel Central in suite 8, but it may have been that my computer is too slow and weak to run it properly. Otherwise, I can only say get WordPerfect! I enjoy using it much more than Word, and buying it is a good excuse to keep more money out of Bill Gates' bank account!



Brian



*



All hail the MIGHTY GATES!



For those of you who are considering Wordperfect, remember that Apple

gave away a bunch of computers to highschoolers to try and get people

hooked! You know how well it worked for them. If you can't afford the

Microsoft stuff, search online for shareware stuff. It has gotten

pretty good, free, and no mail-in required. Wordperfect is having a

dying gasp. $40 for the software - get real! Sounds like the apple

strategy to me. Those who prefer Wordperfect just have not dealt with

the ease of linking the microsoft products. A bunch of professors at UF

use Wordperfect as well, but for the same reason as Brian. They make

compatability with the rest of the world a real problem. In 6 months

they will be looking to change or upgrade and will have to learn it all

over again. I know Lord Gates has a strangle hold on the industry; but

you have to admire a man who will soon be the richest man in the world

(on his own) before turning 50. So reach deep into those pockets and

give forth to Lord Gates. All HAIL THE MIGHTY LORD GATES!!!;-)



Bill



*



Ah, Bill, you poor, pathetic Microserf. Perpetually singing your praises to the false god Gates. Heed my warning, you generation of vipers! Thou shalt NOT worship false idols! Bill Gates and company are truly a menace to the future of computing, if not to the world as a whole (I am not being facetious here). What have they actually done that is so remarkable? The basic idea for Windows is a direct rip-off of Macs (who, incidentally, got the idea from research done by Xerox in the early '70's), who, by MANY people's accounts, STILL do it better (their operating system is supposed to be not only more stable, but their chips are better for graphics and are now much more powerful). Compare the two side-by-side: amazing in their similarities, aren't they?



And what about Windows 98? It has taken them THREE years to give us a slightly jazzed up version of the same product! Which is buggy as hell to boot! The only true inovation it has is the tight integration of their browser, Internet Explorer, the goal of which is to steer (force?) consumers into going to Microsoft and Microsoft affiliate sites, further increasing their revenues. Microsoft even stole the name of their own browser! (They recently paid $5 million to a company in Texas for stealing the name "Internet Explorer.")



As for Word, I have used both products (it and WordPerfect 8)) extensively and can honestly say that I prefer WP hands down (my disgust with MS notwithstanding). It is more user-friendly and has a much better helper program. (I am not familiar with WP 7, so I cannot really comment on it.) Word has even had the problem of importing it's own files! If you use Word 98 you cannot import the document into an older version of Word; WP does not have this problem at all (it is fully backwards-forwards compatible). In addition, for quite a while Microsoft refused to allow WP to have the code which would allow WP to import its files (this was recently remedied). This was obviously an attempt to force consumers to upgrade to the new suite, and the move by MS to remove all older versions of its products from store shelves is further evidence of their stranglehold on the market. WordPerfect is still very willing to sell its older products to consumers, further evidence of their willingness to meet the market's needs, not create them.



What Microsoft does better than anyone is business. I do not mean this as a compliment, though; they have forced computer manufacturers to install their software, stolen product ideas from individuals and companies, and marketed their products better than anyone. WordPerfect has failed in this area due to its own shortsightedness, but also due to the fickle nature of consumers who seek only the newest and "hottest" products to hit the market place. We have allowed a global monopoly to form, one which is strangling consumers, software designers, computer manufacturers, and international trade.



Do I think Microsoft is all evil? Definitely not. They have done some amazing things, and I give them credit for many of their ideas (plug-and-play, backwards compatibility with DOS and Win 5.1, etc.). I will not, however, accept the fact that they have won the whole ball game. There are many challengers out there who are working on alternate operating systems even as we speak, some of which sound very promising (Oracle, IBM, Netscape, etc.). If you truly like Microsoft, buy and use their products. If you like something else, stick with it and support it! Don't buy what is the cheapest, buy the best you can afford. WordPerfect offered a great deal to educators in an attempt to increase their market share, which remains fairly strong in the areas of education and government. As for their unbelievable deal for WP 7, that, to me, is like a corporate garage sale. The stuff is still good, so why not sell it to those who are interested?



Sorry to ramble on a bit. I just had to get this off of my chest! Dang, there goes my lunch break again! Damn you Bill!



Brian



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BRIAN, Bite your tongue!



You don't know the power of the dark Microsoft? The X-files the movie

has only scratched the surface. Bill Gates is behind it all!! All

communications through the net are monitored! Your insolence will not

go unpunished. It is rumored that ALMIGHTY GATES may buy out our state

and federal governments. Wouldn't you be sorry then? As a federal

worker, I know who pays the most income tax! We need Bill Gates to pay

off the deficit. REPENT! REPENT! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GATES!!



Bill the Microserf



*



Yea verily, though I walk through the Silicon Valley of shadow, I shall fear no evil, for I am righteous in the eyes of the Lord! There will come a day of reckoning when the Lord God will reach down his mighty hand and smite that megalomaniac anti-Christ squarely on his pointy head! Head my words you generation of sinners! The anti-Christ has marked his disciples for all to see, for they bear the mark of "95" and "98"... Shun them or risk your immortal soul! Perchance do I see this mark upon your brow, Bill?



The prophet



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I guess I need to clarify several things. First, WP7 was originally designed for Windows 3.1 then adapted to run in Windows 95, both disks are in the package. Don't let that fool you , because this is a very powerfull and friendly program . Don't set your sights on WP8 for $40 either , to get

the upgrade is well over $100 ($185 the last I looked) The full version $495. WP7 IS a good deal. Second, I will not condemn anyone for trying to make money with an American based company. The only thing B.G. is guilty of is not checking up on what some execs are pulling in the company, like Marty said though, he is a programmer not a buisness man. Third, Xerox could

have been GODS! They had a research center in FL. where they had perfect running models of windows, a 2 button mouse, vertically rendered monitors and a pre-IBM personal computer. Right before some brilliant exec decided none of it was commercially feasable they allowed Steven Jabs to tour the facility who later added all these things to the MAC! I bet Xeorox still bleeds over that!



Kevin



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Speaking from a business point of view, the general public is similar to a

group of lemmings. We are the ones who made Microsoft a monopoly

(something the government may soon rectify, remember Bell Telephone???).

Granted, Bill Gates is an incredible business man; although he knows

virtually nothing about business, he has surrounded himself with the

greatest minds in the industry. Bill Gates is basically a backstabbing

nerd who got lucky. Sure, he's got a lot of money, but he has the

personality of a kobold.



As for Microsoft's future, we have truly created a monster that we

cannot control through natural economic forces. If Mr. Gate's reign is to

come to an end, the government is going to have invoke antitrust laws. Or he

may be assassinated. That's not a threat, just an option.



Martek



*



It is always comforting to see that my rabid anti-Gates feelings are shared by another zealot. Well put Marty! And you know, maybe 'someone' should take out a few of his ardent supporters as well... Of course, this is not a threat, just an option, Bill. ;-)



Brian



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Plug and play and backwards compatibility are Macintosh ripoffs as

well.......



Jeff



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Damnit! Jeff sent me this letter which only confirms my worst suspicions. Bill Gates steals EVERTHING! I ask you when, oh when will his reign of evil end?



Brian



*



Let's not forget about the Amiga. Anyone remember that one? And, the

Commodore software is still fundamantally better than anything out

today. Xerox, Apple, Amiga, the list goes on...



I said it once and I'll say it again. Microsoft SUCKS!



Martek



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You go, boy!



Brian



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I tell you again, REPENT!!!!!!!! Big Brother will hear you.



By the way, my hand held calculator has more memory than my first

Commodore 64. Wild where computers have gone. Scott (my brother) had

an Amiga. It looked good and worked well, but .... unless you were in

an active users group, software and training were nill.



Bill



*



Amiga just didn't know how to market their product in the states.

Microsoft has the right idea... Why try to beat the others when you can simply

use unfair trading practices and force them out of business.



Popular Science had a very good take on the future of computing (which

I will paraphrase very badly). In 1939 they predicted a time in the next

fifty years or so when computers would weigh less than 5 tons.



Martek



*



I wonder what kind of computer Bozo uses? Does he "Think Different",

or does his demonic nature (and I mean that in the kindest way possible) put

him in cohoots with Gates? And 'Gates' .... heavenly gates or gates of

hell..... Anyway... Bozo, are ya' busy? A couple of 'Bill's' need to be taken

care of......



Jeff











"A Few Thoughts on Online Roleplaying"



by



Brian and Flynn



[This originally ran as postings in the Inn of the Rampaging Dragon.]



Friends, I hate to have to admit it, but I have tried just about every graphic online game out there. Ultima Online, Meridian 59, The Realm, and have investigated many more in the hope that I could find one that we all might be interested in. Surprisingly, they all had several things in common. They all stunk. I'm being quite serious. On the whole, graphically oriented games (which is what Esheron's Call is) are unbelievably limited in their scope. The very nature of graphic games limits the possibilities. When you have to code every object and creature, not to mention terrain and weather, programmers are faced with monumental obstacles to create something even remotely resembling a realistic fantasy milieu (an oxymoron? Nawww...). I have yet to play in a graphical game where the characters could not do odd things at one time or another, or where they simply got stuck in a wall or something (which was reminiscent of some of our old characters' mishaps with teleportation spells!). Because the game designers always strive to bring graphics into all player actions (which is only logical), the games are often forced into using odd or ridiculous animations in situations, such as using a point and click method to fight, which restricts the amount of graphics required but which also restricts your options, and so on, and so on... You get the picture.



Graphical games also require much more powerful computers, something all of us do not obviously have. For example, in Ultima Online you are at a distinct disadvantage if your computer is not fast - my character died because my computer could not process the graphics quickly enough (more on this later). Also, this tends to bog the game's servers down because of the immense processing being done and because of the large number of players.



Which brings me to another problem. You do NOT want to play in a game where there are too many other players! In my experience, not only does this create lag (the game slows down to a crawl in terms of the server's ability to process your commands and which can often create huge problems for your character, such as death), but it also creates a certain sense of anomie, or normlessness (to borrow a great sociological term). Far too many players prefer a graphical game for what are very bad reasons. They lack any imagination whatsoever, and often tend to be very anti-social. Large numbers of players only encourage negative behavior, and no game mechanics can be created to correct for this. If the game designers create a world where players can choose to refrain from "player-versus-player" (PvP) combat, they are then able to engage in many rude and obscene behaviors which will only infuriate the other players, who do not have the opportunity to punish or even kill the cretins! This is the situation with Sierra's "The Realm". Or you have the other extreme, such as Ultima Online. You cannot choose to refrain from PvP, and "player-killers" (PK's) run amok constantly killing other players, looting their bodies, and stealing their hard-earned virtual possessions (such as spellbooks, etc.). My brief experience with Ultima was particularly unpleasant. My character was attacked by a PKer while innocently seeking to enter a cave to explore. Being a "newbie" (new player), I sought to run like a whipped dog. The Pker, however, had an extremely powerful computer which allowed him to process the graphics on his hard drive more quickly, allowing him to transmit his actions more quickly, and thus, I was dead before I had taken "three steps toward the door" (to quote from Lynard Skynard). I have no fond memories of UO (Ultima Online), and neither do a growing number of other players who have fled from that mad virtual world where chaos reigns supreme (Kevin's research agrees with this assessment).



All online games are designed to allow players to advance or improve their characters at a very slow pace; obviously, this is to hook the player into a long term commitment to the game (and to increase the company's revenues). Fair enough. But when the game offers little chance of actually playing (many of the graphical games crash far too frequently, most notably UO and "The Realm"), or little chance of advancing your character (the little booger keeps getting murdered or killed off by insurmountable monsters), what is the point? As any of you who have ever played D&D with me know, I am fairly careful in learning and using the rules of the game to my advantage, but some of these games have a rule structure obviously designed by programmers who have little love or understanding of fantasy roleplaying.



Which brings up a real pet peeve of mine. I could count all the true roleplayers I met while playing in graphical games on practically two hands. Without exaggerating, the vast majority of players in these games are only out to advance their own players with little or no thought to roleplaying. An elf is a giant is a halfling is a dwarf is a human. No difference except for possibly statistics and the "paperdoll," the graphical representation of your character. Many people have argued that these graphically oriented games undermine the goal of roleplaying, that of sparking the imagination of the players. No graphical game could approach the opportunities allowed in a good old-fashioned paper and dice game, but this seems to be lost on most people who play in these games. I have "met" many nice people out there, but most had the personality of a rock. I believe that these games attract these sorts of people.



As to Asheron's Call specifically, I have several concerns. I have kept my eye on its development for some time now, as well as on Everquest (Sony's game which is also in development, and which many believe to be a superior effort), but I see the same shortcomings as in the others, only this time repackaged with nicer graphics (UO still looks the best, though, but it does not allow first person perspective). Because of its publicity, and because it is being done through Microsoft, you can be assured that it will be packed with players. You can anticipate HUGE problems with the game, not just during the beta test but for a long time after (UO is STILL working out its rules and bugs, as is "The Realm," which has been out even longer). And when I say bugs, I mean problems which will drive you nuts. Lag, crashes, cheaters, glitches, you name it, the game will have it. I have learned to avoid any game which has not been out of beta testing for at least six months, if not a year. My other concern, one which is purely personal, is that Microsoft is behind this. Enough said.



So, what do you do then? Sierra is backing a new graphical game, still early in the development stage, which really caught my eye. It seems they have purchased the license to build the first and only online roleplaying game based in Middle Earth (go to http://www.tolkien-game.com/ to take a look). The problem is that the look will change, but the problems will remain! If you read the message board there you will see some signs of problems to come. I have always been a big fan of Tolkien's world, but I think they will only create a cheesy version of it, filled with cardboard NPC's and uninteresting players (at best). This project is also being done by the folks at Sierra, whom I hope have learned a lot from their mistakes with "The Realm" (but I doubt it).



Some of you might disagree with me on the above, but I think my conclusions will stand up to criticism. Check them out for yourselves if you are interested; I believe "The Realm" still has a free trial period. The others you have to pay for...



Now, all that being said, is there any possibility for enjoyable roleplaying online? Many people have turned to chat programs to allow for play over the internet, but this is fairly clumsy. Everything for the most part has to be typed out, and the DM has to take care of all the necessary details, such as dice rolling and room descriptions, and then type all of this back to the players! Unless you and your group are great typists, this can be very tedious.



The only alternative left is text-based games. These come in two varieties: free and pay. Free ones are developed by programmers who seek to create their own little gaming worlds and then posted on a server somewhere. Some are good but very limited in their possibilities, as well as their lifespan (most do not last long). The pay ones are the best in my opinion. The most popular game on the internet is a text-based game which started on AOL and which migrated to the internet: Gemstone III. This game is going strong, with more players than ever. It is in continual development, and probably resembles AD&D more than any game out there.



It has produced a spin-off game, DragonRealms, which is set in the same world but in the distant future. It is this game that I have come to enjoy the most. Gemstone III is amazing from what I have seen, but I like the feel and mechanics of DragonRealms better. Everything is text-based, so prepare to have your typing skills challenged a bit. The good thing is that this game will work well on anyone's computer that has an internet connection. The designers, however, handle all of the tedious aspects of game detail, and the commands you type in allow for convenient shortcuts to ease the typing requirements. This game has done a nice job of fleshing out the world with detail and color, complete with invasions of barbarians, secret areas, hidden thieves guilds, interesting NPC's, etc. For character advancement, the game uses a combination of level (known as "circles") and skills. Be forewarned: you advance very slowly in this game! You learn skills by doing them, and you advance circles by learning enough of particular skills your guild feels are important (thieves must learn enough lockpicking and disarming and stealing, mages enough spell abilities, etc.). Your options are very broad, though: races include elves, dwarves, humans and halflings (would I play it if it didn't?), as well as several new races including a snakelike people and one which is more like an ogre. The skills you can do are very broad: all characters can learn most skills, but each class has certain abilities only it can learn.



Combat is very challenging, allowing for all sorts of special maneuvers (sweeping your opponents legs with your weapon, feinting, parrying, etc.). I watched yesterday as one player, a warrior mage, foolishly challenged another player, a barbarian, to a "contest to the pain." The fight was amusing to watch, especially when the barbarian pulled out his battle axe and beheaded the idiot with one quick chop. These particular challenges, however, are sanctioned by the "gods," so the player was instantly brought back to life (but in a particularly surly mood). In all other circumstances, however, players are free to attack another player as they see fit. PvP is definitely frowned on in DragonRealms, but it does occur. I have only witnessed two occurences, though: one was when a warrior took offense to a pickpocket stealing from his friend (the thief took a crossbow bolt in the gut and died at my feet: "He's gutshot, Connaugher."), and the other was a particularly tough player who used his crossbow to kill a cheater (the person was resting in the Thieves Guild, learning skills but not actually playing in the game, a minor problem in DragonRealms). No one likes a cheater. Crossbows seem too be the weapon of choice for killing players! Oh, and if you kill someone in town, you become a wanted murderer, a position you do not want to be in.



The game is fairly complicated and will require a great deal of time to learn, but it is definitely possible to jump right in and get playing. I strongly recommend that you read many of the guides available before starting (located in the library on DR's homepage), but online player guides can sometimes be found, and most people are pretty good about answering questions.



Which brings me to the best part of DragonRealms: the people. I have been helped by MANY people there, who offered a great deal of advice, as well as aid, money, and items. Please do not think that everyone will equip you with the best equipment just for asking; money is hard to earn in DragonRealms (DR) for the most part, especially when you are new. But you can easily get by with a little help, or even none at all. I have encountered far more roleplayers in this game than in any other, and the opportunities for developing your character are enormous: you could be a gambling ranger (they actually have barges with gambling on board), a minstrel thief (complete with acrobatics, juggling, and a huge variety of musical instruments), a deadly assassin (backstabbing, poison, skulking in the shadows), a mysterious dark elven wizard, etc.



DR is still fairly young and constantly expanding, with new areas being implemented and new monsters, items, and skills. It is not perfect: lag can (and will) occasionally occur, as will a crash. Not all people are friendly, and learning those necessary skills can be tedious, but overall I have been very pleased with the game to date. If I have one major criticism, it is that the only long-term goals are to build up your character's abilities and wealth. There are quests and some missions which have to be accomplished, but this is one area of the game which needs further development. As to a text-based game, it does take a bit of getting used to, unless you happen to be a speed reader and good typist. You do not need to be either to do well, though. If you are looking for something to try, take a peek at DR. But don't try their one week free trial on their homepage! Go instead to http://www.play.net/simunet_public/excite/excitedr.asp for a 30-day free trial offer. Just download and install the game launcher at the homepage (follow the instructions) and you are ready to go. Play free for 30 days, and experiment to your heart's content: try the different guilds (classes) and the different races. Then, when you have a feel for the game and know what you want your character to be, and before the time has expired, cancel your membership (and pay nothing), and then rejoin with another membership name for another free 30 days! (You will need a second credit card I believe) A bit of a sneaky trick, but it allows you to feel more at ease with the first trial offer, and then to really enjoy the second trial offer as you build up what will probably be your permanent character.



One thing more. Remember to relax: you will have a lot to learn, and there are and will always be a lot of players who are very experienced and high level, much higher than you will ever be. The game is fun, but remember how long it took to build up our characters in AD&D? It's a bit like that. Let me know if you decide to give the game a try, and I will be glad to give you a few of my lessons learned. There, this killed my lunch hour!



[Brian]



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Well, I have given DragonRealms what I consider to be a very fair shake. As my free trial period comes to a close, I have decided to not continue my membership. The game in itself is fantastic, with a wealth of options for players and a large world in which to adventure. Actually, I had a lot of fun playing it.



The game is missing two very important things, however. First, I miss AD&D rules! Whether it is simply nostalgia or an honest belief that TSR came up with the best method of roleplaying, I find myself dissatisfied with all other versions of rules. The rules set the tone for whatever world the game designers establish, so it all spills over into each other. Second, I miss the comraderie of our old group(s). At the risk of sounding sentimental, the more I play these online games the more I miss the silliness and enjoyment of conversing with you nutjobs and plotting and planning against the monsters and each other. In all seriousness, we were better (and more entertaining) roleplayers than I have encountered in any online game so far.



So, here I am eating my words. Have any of you had a chance to try DragonRealms? It is a good game, but I cannot help my feelings. It just isn't the same. Have any of you had any luck?



I am also wondering about the Dark Sun-online game. Maybe it is worth a shot afterall. It is based on the world of Athas (not my favorite) and is designed around AD&D rules (which is my favorite). The game can be found at http://www.ten.net/games/darksunonline/ . Take a look and let me know what you think. They just had a major update and apparently plan on revamping the game in the near future, so it looks like it will be around for awhile. I await your comments!



Brian



*

I've tried DragonRealms and also will not extend my membership beyond the free trial period. The game is excellent for a "MUD", however, I have a problem with the basic mechanics of MUD's. This is mainly due to the amount of commands a player must memorize and the need to constantly scroll back and forth looking for something that has already scrolled past. I also find it hard to visualize where I am without constantly making a map.



I have not yet tried the Dark Sun game but I will give it a try. Right now, I'm playing (for free) a game called "Kingdom of the Winds". It similar to Ultima but is simpler, faster and strongly encourages teamwork (I've also noticed a lot of players actually roleplaying!). It appears to have originated in Korea and has an oriental setting. So far, I have found it very enjoyable. The games address is http://www.nexon.net/kingdom/. If anyone tries it, let me know what you think.



[Flynn ]







"Favorite Vampire Flicks"



by



Fellowship of the Broken Sword



[This originally ran as postings on the Inn of the Rampaging Dragon. Here we demonstrate our keen eye for film criticism...]



This weeks movie list, some of my favorite Bloodsuckers!

1. Fright Night- Who could forget Jerry Dandridge scraping his fingernails across the bannister. Jerry, you're so cool!

2. Interview with the Vampire- True Story!

3. Near Dark- This unknown gem starred Lance Hendrickson (Millennium) and Bill Paxton. Worth checking out at your favorite video mart.

4. Vamp- Bizarre little tale about a nightclubs little secret.

5. The Hunger- This may be a little out there for some, starring David Bowie and Susan Sarandan.

6. Chronos- Another un recognized gem, watch this one carefully. Very different vamp story.

7.Dracula(79)- a lot of poetic liscence taken but descent performances by Frank Langela and L. Olivier.

8. Innocent Blood- Very good campy story about a female Vampire preying on the mob. Don Rickles is hillarious!

9. Lost Boys- I'm tellin' mom your a freakin' vampire!

10. Salems Lot- This scared yhe Heebie Geebies out of me! It was months before I could look out my bedroom window at night!



[Faffard]



*



Good picks! A few extra comments:

1. Jerry Dandridge was a very cool vampire (a pity he had to die)

2. The Hunger - Kevin warned you about this one. It IS very odd...

3. The Frank Langella/Lawrence Olivier version is very good.

4. Lost Boys - neat modern retelling of the legend

5. Salem's Lot - scared the hell out of me the first time I saw it as well.

6. Could we include "Omega Man" in the list? It was essentially a modern vampire story.

7. Kevin, you forgot a classic. What about a little gem called "Rabid"? Hmmm?

8. And of course, the old silent, German black-and-white movie "Nosferatu". I still think that one has the creepiest looking vampire ever.



[Brian ]



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Rabid? Like, with Maryilin Chambers? Iguess I should have mentioned BLACKULA too!

[Faffard ]





*



Kev,



I'm surprised Buffy the Vampire Slayer didn't make the cut.



[SCUZ ]



*



In general, I'm not much of a fan of horror movies, but I must say, I've always enjoyed a good vampire flick. Unfortunately, there aren't many good vampire movies to choose from. One of the best in recent times in my opinion was 'Lifeforce'. Did that movie make it into our discussion of sci-fi movies? If not, it should have.



Some others I've enjoyed (that haven't been mentioned):



Dracula - Very old "Hollywood" but still enjoyable.

Bram Stoker's Dracula - Bad acting and too many liberties, yet entertaining none the less.

Nightwing - Vampire bats invade an indian reservation. Interesting twist.

Horror of Dracula - Christopher Lee's first portrayal of the count. Also stars Peter Cushing as Van Helsing.

Dracula - Version with Sir Lawrence Olivier as Van Helsing. Score by John Williams.



I'd like to mention Nosferatu once again. See it if you get a chance. It is a silent movie, but it's representation of Dracula (called Count Orlock)is very chilling.



[Flynn ]



*



From Dusk till Dawn?



Space Vampires?



I enjoyed Lifeforce also. Matilda May...what a babe!!!!!



[Barrett ]











"Movies: Bill Murray and Acting in General"



by



Fellowship of the Broken Sword



[What started out as a discussion of Bill Murray movies quickly switched to a debate over quality acting in general. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts from what I consider to be one of the best discussions/debates in the Inn so far.]



Okay, Bill has put out some real stinkers, unfortunately for him these are the only films the tend to bring to the table. But believe it or not he has done some very well made films and i'd like to bring them to light.



1. Razor's Edge- Personally I really enjoyed it, even though most critical reviews attack Murray for being too deadpan. I saw it more as a tactic to allow the watcher an emotional outlet supplied by the main characters passiveness, you know "Conan cannot cry, so I cry for him." kindof thing. This really is a good movie but it is very long and very dark and depressing definetley an 'in the mood' picture.

2. Quickchange- Very, very little PR on this beaut. Also starring Randy Quaid, Geana Davis and Jason Robards. I really loved this movie and I still can't belive how little press it received! If you haven't seen this put it on your rental list. Excellent performance by Quaid also.

3. Groundhog Day- This is just a plain fun movie. Murray finds himself repeating the same day over and over again and by the end of the film figures out the secrets to the Universe(or something like that).My favorite line? " Well, I'm not the God , just a god."

4. Caddyshack- there are in my mind 5 unforgettable charachters in the world, the traplaying grounds keeper is one of them.

5. Kingpin- Don't go running out to rent this, at least not until you have prepared. There are some ... colorful moments. He plays a pro bowler out to wreck the career of Woody Harrelson, who's life really gets low after a Murray setup. Very unusual and another fine performance by R. Quaid.

6. What About Bob?- Richard Dreyfuss as Murrays shrink. Over the top performance by Bill and the only time I think it's ever worked for him.



[Faffard]



*



Ok Faf, how could you forget Stripes? That movie still cracks me up. Forget the sequels, they stunk. The original was a classic.



My ranking would have to be:



1. Groundhog Day - Bill Murray at his best.

2. Stripes - Boom Shuggalugga Boom

3. What about Bob? - Bill Murray annoying as hell.

4. Caddyshack - A classic

5. Quickchange - The part in the very beginning where they come out of the bank as released hostages made the movie for me.



[Hobar ]



*



Bill Murray's best movies? You're kidding right? Mr. Murray is barely an actor. The only reason any of his movies are any good is because they were good movies to start with and because the had an excellent supporting cast. Please excuse me for not voting on this one.



Now if we want to do the top movies of Chevy Chase, that's another thing.



And Scuz, it's amazing how truly accurate your name is.



[Flynn ]



*



If you want to single out an actor and pick they're top movies how about choosing someone like:



Charleton Heston

Sir Lawrence Olivier

Harrison Ford

Katharine Hepburn

James Stewart

Bette Davis

Daniel Day-Lewis



Or would that be asking too much?



[Flynn ]



*



Sorry to disagree with you mister nasty but I guess maybe your the one I'm targetting. Put away your copy of meatballs and maybe check out one of these movies. As far as picking B.M. I was trying to introduce something maybe others hadn't been exposed to. Any ass could pick the good movies of a popular star, I always like a challenge!



P.S. this is a free forum, so fell free.



[Faffard ]





*



So, what's next... The best movies of Pee Wee Herman. Now there's a challenge.



By the way, I have seen all the movies you've listed. My opinion remains unchanged. Bill Murray is only an actor by the loosest definition of the term.



[Flynn ]



*



Well, personally, I think Charlton Heston and Harrison Ford couldn't act their way out of a paper bag, not that I haven't enjoyed some of their movies though. The thing of it is, we should separate talented actors from good movies. John Wayne was a terrible actor, but I really like some of his old cowboy movies. Same is true of the two above. Jerry Seinfeld is another good example of this; I liked his show, but he was a terrible actor. He still did a great job, though.



[Brian ]



*



I agree with Kevin to a large degree. Many actors, especially male ones, often get away with performing the same role movie after movie, and yet they remain extremely popular. Personality (and looks) do make up for a distinct lack of talent.



What makes a good or great actor? I think it is someone who becomes the role they play, someone who is extremely believable and makes you forget you are watching someone act. To me it's that simple. Great actors can often rise above a mediocre script and still turn in a great performance. Good actors often are skilled at picking good scripts in which to act, but occasionally show up in bad ones.



Case in point: Leonardo DiCapprio (sp?). Never saw 'Titanic' myself, but what I saw of his performance in the many clips I viewed showed a mediocre performance at best. However, in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" he played a mildly retarded boy, and turned in a fantastic performance. The movie on the whole is excellent (if you haven't seen it, please do). He can be a good actor.



Another example: Jeff Goldblum (sp?). The man is an awful actor, but popular nonetheless. He has been clever enough to pick some scripts which turned into very successful movies ("The Fly," "Jurassic Park," and "Powder" to name a few).



Some of my picks of contemporary great actors: 1. Al Pacino: I agree with Faffard; "Serpico," "The Godfather" (although James Caan stole the show), "Dog Day Afternoon"; 2. Dustin Hoffman: "Tootsie," "Midnight Cowboy" (now that movie will make you want to cut your wrists), "The Graduate"; 3. Meryl Streep (now here is an actor!) "Sophie's Choice," "Out of Africa," "Postcards from the Edge"; 4. Shirley McClain (sp?): "Sweet Charity" (the woman can act, dance, and sing), "Terms of Endearment" (great movie for many reasons, but also has a great role for Jack Nicholson), "Postcards from the Edge," "Steel Magnolias"; 5. Tom Hanks: "Big," "Forrest Gump," "Apollo 13," and "Philadelphia"; 6. Robin Williams (yes, I said Robin Williams!): "Dead Poets Society," "Awakenings," "The Fisher King," and I am told he is excellent in "Good Will Hunting"; 7. Gene Hackman: "The French Connection," "No Way Out," "The Poseidon Adventure," "Crimson Tide," "Hoosiers," "Unforgiven," and "The Conversation"; 8. Robert Duvall: "The Godfather," "The Apostle," "Rambling Rose,", and "Phenomenon"; 9. Glenn Close: "Fatal Attraction," "Dangerous Liaisons," "The World According to Garp," "The Jagged Edge," "The Natural," "Reversal of Fortune," and "The Big Chill"; 10. Susan Sarandon: "Thelma and Lousie," "The Hunger," "Dead Man Walking," and of course, "The Rocky Horror Picture

Show" (just had to include that one!).



These are just a few of the really good (great) actors I could think of at the time. I would also mention Emma Thompson ("Much Ado About Nothing," "Primary Colors," "Remains of the Day," and "Sense and Sensibility"); Greg Kinear (I know it's a little soon, but I think he will turn into a really good actor - he was very good in the remake of "Sabrina," and he was great in "As Good as It Gets"); and Anthony Hopkins ("Remains of the Day," "Amistad," "Howards End," and "Shadowlands"). Just a few of my favorites!



[Palin ]



*



Seems like I've heard that comment about actors somewhere before...



DiCaprio is a horrible actor who has been lucky enough to land in some big movies (notice I didn't say good); I'm mostly referring to Titanic (which was horrible) and Romeo & Juliet (which was excellent). He (like many others) has a look which sells (unfortunately). Then we have the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences which have their own methodology for deciding the best in a category (the theory of which escapes me).



In my opinion, great is a matter of personal taste. For example, take a look at the AFI's top 100 American movies. While it's a good list, I would debate some of the rankings. Some of the movies may be technically great, but in my opinion a great movie is one that I enjoy and is fun to watch.



I view actors in much the same way. I don't give a rat's ass if an actor gives an "Academy" award winning performance, if I don't enjoy the performance, the actor didn't do a good job. I don't know movies (and acting), but I know what I like. (My apologies to Will Rogers.) For that reason, I listed some of my favorite actors in an above posting. Technically they may not (or may) be the greatest, however I have (almost always) found them enjoyable to watch and they have made an otherwise mediocre movie into something much better.



So, who are the greatest actors? Let's get a vote going, damnit!



[Martek ]



*



Well, I never claimed to be original! As for the Academy awards, I've heard some very good explanations for how they are chosen. Anyone who has EVER worked on a picture which was either nominated or received an Oscar gets to vote on all categories. So, consider the mechanics here...



For the best acting awards, they often go to those who are long-time favorites (such as Jack Nicholson) whom the community feels are "deserving" or to those actors who are currently favorites (such as Helen Hunt, who did a fine job in "As Good as It Gets" but was very surprised herself that she won). In general, though, the best acting awards are more fairly and honestly given in the eyes of most people than the best picture award. As for it, these awards very often

go to the big epic pictures, because Hollywood loves these: they employ large numbers of people (such as "Titanic"), and because those people who worked on past epics which were nominated or won makeup a huge number of the voting bloc, and they tend to vote for pictures like their own!



[Palin ]



*



An organization claiming to choose the best of anything that is considered art is nothing more than a well planned and devious advertisement campaign. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and I have never claimed any one persons movie is better than the other, only that I personally found favor in it.



[Faffard ]



*



I agree with Kevin, but that does not mean that the best actors do the best at the box office. Obviously special effects, big budgets, big names draw the biggest audiences. Star Wars, ET and Titanic have done the best at the box office and only Titanic has been recognized for having good actors. Let's not forget the drawing power of the best director's.



Movie critics tend to influence how Academy Awards are chosen to a certain extent. I have found that movie critics and book critics tend to over-examine movies and books. I buy these items to be entertained not novel at the art involved.



[Hobar ]







"Romance Movies"



by



Fellowship of the Broken Sword



[What innocently started out as a discussion of great romantic movies quickly degenerated into an attack on several members' masculinity. Rather ugly, actually, but somewhat amusing.]







YEA,YEA get over it, you know we all watch them but hate to admit we like them, so let's get this over with.



1.Sabrina- I haven't seen the original but love the H. Ford version. This is a very well done movie with just surperb acting from the entire cast. Brian was right about Greg Kinear, this is a name to watch for.

2. One Fine Day- couldn't count the times I have seen this. The chemistry between Michele and George was amazing and I'd like to see this pair up again.

3.French Kiss- Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan end up in France , kind of an odd duo but it works.

4.Don Juan DiMarco- Very original story starring Marlon Brando as Johnny Depp's psychiatrist. Depp believes he's a famous fictional character and ends up changing his doc's relationship with his wife. Good rental for this weekend.

5.It could happen to you- True story about a cop who gives half his lottery winnings to a waitress as a tip. Starring N.Cage, B.Fonda and Rosie Perez as the pissed wife. Perez steals the show.

6. Sleepless in Seattle-Hey that's two for Meg Ryan! Tom Hanks on his way to the top!(double meaning)

7.Doc Hollywood- Screw you, I liked this movie!

8. Valley Girl- N.Cage again in his very early years as a punk rocker. Very light movie about railroad tracks and who lives where.

9. Last time I saw Paris- I liked Crystal in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY also but I didn't want you to think I had unhealthy feelings for Meg!

10. As Good As It Gets- After all, I save all those feelins for Helen Hunt!



[Faffard]



*



11. An American President- M.Douglas, M.Sheen and Annette Bening this is a really cute, enjoyable movie that treats the office nicely (Better than the current admin).

12. Dave- Another presidential movie with Kevin Kline and Sigourney Weaver. Anther good rental if you havent already seen it.



[Faffard ]



*



Bill's favorite romance flicks:



1} The Wrath of Kahn - Kirk reunited with first love.



2} Highlander - Conner McCloud and several incarnations of Blossum



3} Star Wars - Han Solo meets Princess Lay-her



4} The English Patient - OK I had to add one legit pick.



Get real Faffard. There is no telling what kinda movies the Gay Blade will add to this list (Crying Game, Philadelphia Story, ...)



[SCUZ ]



*



Hmmm... After an outburst like that, all i can say is: "Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!" (Marc Anthony, in Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. I love this line, and anyone remember it when Christopher Plummer used it in the Star Trek movie "The Undiscovered Country"?).



[Brian ]



*



Yes, he was one of my favorite Star Trek baddies. The scene where he is spouting Shakespear while attacking the Enterprise was great. But, have you read the quote in its original Klingon version?



[SCUZ ]



*



I never knew Shakespear was a Klingon. I wonder what "Romeo and Juliet" would sound like in Klingonese.



[Martek]

*



Well, now that we have this all cleared up, let's get back to Faffard's topic. Now let me think...



[Vulpine ]



*



Think??? Don't sprain something. It would be scary to imagine how you would rank romance movies. Yuck!



[SCUZ]



*



Your challenge is accepted! (smacks Scuz in the face with a glove concealing a brick).



I must admit, this is a tough category for me. Let me start with... I disagree with many of Kevin's picks! Not to be argumentative, but you focused far too much on contemporary movies, forgetting the classics of the past (when they made many great romantic movies). I also don't like "mushy" romances. So here goes nothing... (these are not ranked in any particular order, and are just a few of my favorites)



1. "Sabrina"- the remake pales in comparison to the original, which starred Audrey Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart, and William Holden. Greg Kinear does a fine job in the remake (steals the show I thought), but definitely give the original a viewing.

2. "Sense and Sensibility"- I take it back; good romances are still being made. A very enjoyable movie, well-written, well-acted. I defy you not to get sucked up into the story if you give it half a chance (and one of the stars is that German actor, the one who played the villain in "Die Hard." I like him, and he plays a somewhat mysterious good guy in the movie).

3. "Bringing Up Baby"- Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, and a really screw-ball plot. It is a romantic comedy, and a great one.

4. "The Philadelphia Story"- Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, and Jimmy Stewart. Hard to pick a favorite actor in this one. Very witty writing, and a really funny storyline. Questionable ethics in this one, but really funny.

5. "His Girl Friday"- Cary Grant, Rosalind Russell in a hilarious comedy about a deathrow inmate, a last minute pardon, and an unbelievably unscrupulous editor (Cary Grant), who you have to love. Yes, I like the romantic comedies, which I think often do a much better job than serious romantic movies.

6. "The Princess Bride"- Yeah, I know what you're thinking: these are all comedies. But what constitutes a romantic movie? Do they have to be serious, or that there must simply be at the core a romantic relationship? I think that this is it. This movie showed what "true love" actually is, and did it in a very entertaining way. Even little Fred Savage didn't mind the mushy stuff by the end.

7. "Penny Serenade"- Cary Grant, Irene Dunne (c'mon, you have to admit that Cary Grant is still probably the coolest romantic lead ever. Hell, I'd probably marry the guy.) If this one doesn't make you a little misty-eyed by the end, you are one stone-cold bastard.

8. "As Good as It Gets"- one more refutation of my theory that good romances are rare. This is a great movie on every level.

9. "The Accidental Tourist"- a great movie based on a great Anne Tyler novel. William Hurt, Geena Davis.

10. "African Queen"- Humphrey Bogart, Katherine Hepburn. You know the plot.



These are just a few of my favorite romantic movies. Now I'll give you a secret: the best website I have come across for movie and actor information is the International Movie Database (http://us.imdb.com/). I use it fairly often. A fantastic site for movie buffs.



[Vulpine ]



*



Somebody needs a hobby. Did you catch that laundry list of romances? Did you catch how many Cary Grant movies he had listed? No, you can't marry him, that'd be Rock Hudson. You must be a founding member of the American Movie Classic Theater Club. You must be a real sucker for the Chick Flick. (Audible Whappp!!! as Scuz returns the gloved smack)



[SCUZ, the stone cold bastard ]



*



Scuz, you never fail to live up to your moniker. Cary Grant was great in that he never seemed wimpy (a la' Leonardo DiCaprio), was considered very sexy by women (ask your wives and significant others, it's fairly universal), and could be very funny. He also had great taste in picking most of his movies, so it should be no surprise that he was in what many consider to be SOME of the greatest romance movies of all time.



But don't forget, at the heart of all great movies, no matter what type, there is almost always a romance. What you call a "chick flick" (a denigrating term to women) I call good movies! (returns the smack with a shovel upside the head of the foul Scuz)



[Vulpine ]



*



Well Vulpine, I'm sorry that I miss took you for the wrong gender. I guess Vulpine does have a feminine sound to it. Let's get together and I'll romance you with my "Cary Grant".



[SCUZ the womanizer ]



*



I've got your "Cary Grant" right here, buddy.



[Vulpine]







"Movies for Real Men"



by



Fellowship of the Broken Sword



[What follows are excerpts from a discussion involving movies we felt were manly enough for real men. Perhaps there is too much testosterone floating around.]



1. Any movie with the word DOES in it!

2. Any movie with John Wayne in it!

3. Conan the Barbarian- Any movie with the line" To crush your enemys, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women!" has my vote.

4. Dr. No- This Bond knew how to treat a woman!

5. Scarface- "I only have two things in this world, My balls and my word, and I break them for nobody!" It,s great to be a man!

6. Any Star Trek with James T. Kirk- If Kirk ever wanted command advice from a woman on HIS bridge he'd slap it out of her!(unlike some other captains!)

7. Any movie with both of these words"women" and "prison".

8.The home movies I made in my backyard.

9.The Stepford Wives- Huh huh huh huh(evil laugh)

10. Any Woody Allen movie- Drives me to violence any time!



[Faffard the Conquerer]



*



I think someone has some issues needing to be resolved.



But while we're on the subject of manly movies, I'll throw in my two-cents (and worth every penny you can be sure):



1. Star Trek movies with James T. Kirk: Yes and no. Lately, William Shatner in a girdle and toupe' is not my idea of a heroic figure. Plus, the last made him out to be a big weenie. Now, in "Wrath of Khan" we had classic James Tiberius Kirk at his best. A captain we could all be proud of. "Kha-a-a-a-an!"

2. Clint Eastwood flicks: Ok, some of them are downright goofy, but his old spaghetti westerns are still fun to watch: "High Plains Drifter," "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," and "A Fist Full of Dollars". Who doesn't know that classic little whistle tune from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"? And Clint looked cool in his beat-up cowboy hat, serape, and unlit cigar.

3. John Wayne: the man couldn't act his way out of a paper bag, but I still love many of his movies: "The Cowboys," "Big Jake," and "The Sons of Katy Elder" to name a few. Now here was a man who knew how to put a pilgrim in his place.

4. Ahnold Svarzenager: Sometimes he is just a bit too goofy for me to enjoy. I have to admit, though, that I also liked the first Conan movie (for which I will surely burn in the Hell for Those with No Taste).

5. Humphrey Bogart was cool in many of his films: "The Maltese Falcon," "Casablanca," and "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" to name a few. "Of all the gin joints in all the world you had to walk into mine."

6. Indiana Jones movies: Harrison Ford was great in these, especially in the first and last ones. Who didn't love the scene where, in disgust, he shoots the swordsman?

7. "The Untouchables" - now here was a manly group of men. Sean Connery died like a real man: "Just like a dago to bring a knife to a gun fight." Of course, he was then shot full of holes.

8. Frank Sinatra: The late Chairman of the Board. Now he was pretty cool in a couple of his movies, namely "The Manchurian Candidate" (see this one if you haven't!) and "Von Ryan's Express" (a great WW II movie; he caught a lot of heat for gunning down a woman in the movie).

9. "Cool Hand Luke" - considered the sweatiest movie ever. "Now what we've got here is a failure to communicate."

10. Now let me think, what should be number 10? I know: "Rocky" and "Rambo: First Blood" (I'll cheat and pick two). The first movies in these two series weren't bad at all, especially "Rocky" (which I think is a great movie). In these two Sly Stallone does a good job. He also takes a great deal of punishment in both films. Remember the scene in "Rambo" where he sews up his own arm without any painkiller? And the beating he took from Apollo Creed? "Adrian! Adrian!" You had to feel for the guy, especially when they cut his eyelid with the razor blade so he could see out of it.



[Vulpine ]







"Roll of the Dice"

Part III

by

Fellowship of the Broken Sword



Myloeh carefully ascended the cliff face, hugging the rock with all his strength. Partly because of his size, and partly because of the many near-mishaps he had had in his career, the halfling was slightly afraid of heights. Gulping, he refused to look down, focusing instead on the "eyes" above. He could hear Hobar cursing him down below, causing him to start to giggle and almost making him lose his grip. "Hang on!" he called over his shoulder. "I'll throw down a line!" After many minutes of difficult inching up the cliff face he arrived at the entrance to one of the eyes. The cave entrance was fairly well lit by the light behind him, but obviously led deep into the mountain.



Crawling up and into the cave he stayed on his hands and knees and caught his breath. Sitting on the stone floor he looked about. The two caves which made up the eyes were about twenty feet apart and led into the same central cave which led back into the darkness. Myloeh reached into his backpack and pulled out a strong silken rope, tied it to a stalagmite and threw the other end out the right eye. "Come on up!" he called down to the group which had already begun ascending the cliff. "It looks safe so far." He was met by a "thanks" from Throckmir and Astrel and cursing from Hobar.



Deciding to do a little exploring while he waited, Myloh pulled out his pin with a permanent light spell cast upon it and inserted it into his hat. He pulled out his short sword and began moving to the back of the cave, searching for an entrance of some sort. He suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, and slowly turned to face a monstrous black widow spider which was slowly lowering itself from the roof of the cave behind him. Cut off from the exit and the rope, Myloeh stepped back toward the rear of the cavern. You guys might want to hurry up a bit!" he called out. "I have a bit of a bug problem up here!"



The spider moved forward, preparing to pounce. Myloeh watched it carefully, hoping to time his move exactly. As the spider leapt forward, Myloeh tucked and rolled to the side, hitting the wall of the cave hard. Scrambling to his feet, he ran to the "eye" where the rope was lowered, never turning his back to the spider. The spider quickly recovered its balance and began moving toward him again, careful to not repeat the same mistake. Myloeh, realizing he had no where to run, sheathed his short sword and waited for the attack. The spider hissed menacingly, pausing for several seconds. As it pounced, the halfling jumped out of the "eye" and grabbed desperately for the rope. The spider, losing its balance, fell out of the cave entrance and rushed toward the ground. "What in the name of the gods?!" Hobar yelled as he watched the halfling dangle above him and the spider fall passed him. The spider, however, shot a strand of webbing at the cliff, stopping its fall twenty feet from the ground. "Myloeh, you idiot! You'll get us killed!" Hobar yelled.



"Couldn't help it!" Myloeh shouted down to him as he scrambled back up into the cave. He watched in horror as the spider began ascending the cliff, climbing past Hobar and Throckmir who were climbing below.



"No problem!" Vic shouted from the ground. Quickly casting a spell (which Myloeh could not make out), the mage gestured at the spider. A small ball of fire sped towards the creature, striking it in the back and exploding in a ball of flames. The charred spider fell to the ground below, landing with a thud.



"That was a close one!" Hobar shouted down to Vic. He had felt the heat of the blast on his face.



"Well, a bit too close," Throckmir said pointing up above them. Hobar looked up just in time to see their rope burn in half.



"Crap," he said as he and Throckmir began to fall.



[Myloeh]



*





Hobar and Throckmir each fell a few feet and managed to stop their fall by grabbing the boulders that served as teeth. Vic had been standing on the ground steading the rope before he had cast his spell and was thus unaffected by the burning of the rope. Astrel had been 20 to 30 feet up the rope when he fell. Luckily he only sustained bruises. Jake had seen the catastrophe about to happen and had managed to find some hand holds in the sheer part of the cliff face in order to avoid falling.



Hobar looked at Throckmir and said through clinched teeth,"Naugrim, do you want the halfling or the mage?"



Naugrim who was gathering his wits answered back, "I want a piece of both of them."



Myloeh peeked out over the cliffs edge and shouted, "Everyone OK?" Myloeh looked down and saw the two dwarves hanging on for dear life. He swallowed hard as he saw the looks of pure rage in their eyes. "Good thing you fellas managed to stop your fall, it was a pretty good ways down."



Astrel looked up to where Jake was clinging to the cliff face. "Very impressive bit of climbing Jake, you must teach me how to do that some day."



Jake looked down and realized that he could have made a very big mistake. He quickly decided he better play helpless. "Help me, I slipping!" Jake yelled out. He then made a sudden jerk as though he was truely slipping. Best not to let them know how good of a climber he truly was.



[Hobar ]



*



"Well," thought Myloeh, as he got up and looked again at the back of the cave, "they'll be up soon enough, better that I make sure it's safe up here." As the rest of the party figured out how to "save" Jake, Myloeh straightened his light pin, drew again his short sword and headed for places unknown. Almost immediately the halfling saw the gleam of yellow metal near the spot that he was attacked. This time he wisely looked up and, seeing nothing, turned back to the gleam. A pile of skeletons lay on the floor; skeletons with dried skin pulled tight over the bones. More importantly, they were skeletons with possessions! Myloeh started to reach towards the past feasts of the spider and suddenly stopped, realizing that he was about to screw up again.



Myloeh stepped back from the pile of bones, found the biggest boulder he could carry, and heaved it, with all his might, right into the middle of the pile.





Hobar pulled himself into the cave just as a tremendous "crash!!!!" echoed from the back of the cave. He had intended to help the others (and Jake) by letting down his own rope once he reached the cave. Now however (distracted from his thoughts by the possibility of a fight), he raced to the back of the cave where he could see Myloeh's light. With a mighty "Roar!", Hobar leaped to Myloeh's side ready to hack down the enemy. "Where....where is it?!?" he stammered. "What!?! What's going on?" Hobar stopped his frantic attack when he saw there was nothing to smash. He looked over at Myloeh and saw him staring slack-jawed at a pile of bones with a boulder in the middle of it. "Myloeh?" Hobar asked, waving a hand in front of Myloeh's eyes, "Myloeh, what's wrong?"



"Never," Myloeh replied, pointing at the inert skeletons, "in fifty-plus years of adventuring, never have I ever seen a skeleton that was truly dead." .....



[Barrett ]



*



Hobar stared down at the pile and scratched his head. "Well I'll be damned. You mean they didn't magically animate or attack as soon as you entered?"



"Nope," Myloeh replied coming out of his daze. "They're just skeletons. And a bit of treasure."



"Hmmm... Better have a look then," the dwarf replied moving his axe to his left hand. Easily moving the large stone aside he rooted through the remains for several moments.



Myloeh suddenly heard grunts of exertion and turned to look. Throckmir was pulling himself up through the same eye Hobar had come through. "Anyone gonna give me a hand here?" he shouted.



"Coming!" Myloeh replied. Grabbing one of the sleeves of the dwarf's armor, the halfling helped the dwarf climb up into the cave.



"Ah, now that's better," Throckmir said with a grin. He then casually unsheathed his axe and moved to the halfling. "And now to kill you," he said. Myloeh quickly backed into the cave to stand beside Hobar.



Hobar held up his hand to his fellow dwarf and shook his head. "No time for that now. We need him to get through the traps and locks." Myloeh smiled in appreciation. Hobar moved away from the halfling and whispered to Throckmir. "Let it go. We do need him for now. Besides, that idiot will probably get himself killed by one of the traps sooner or later. This place must be filled with all sorts of deadly presents for us to find." Throckmir nodded reluctantly in agreement.



"Nothing worth much of anything in the pile here. Just a few coppers and some rusted out gear. Looks like these were your standard NPC dead warriors who didn't leave anything worth much behind, except that the skeletons were a warning that the spider was here. Guess I missed that, huh?" Myloeh said.



"Yes, I guess you did," Throckmir said menacingly as he moved toward the halfling again. Hobar quickly grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop.



"But I did find something, though. Have a look-see," Myloeh said. The two dwarves stood beside the halfling and looked where he pointed. With the light of the pin they could see a small hall in the wall, previously hidden by spider webs, which was roughly five inches in diameter and which went back for about a foot. "If you look carefully, you'll see that there is some sort of a ring at the end of it. Perhaps a way in? Something to open a secret door?"



Hobar stroked his beard for a moment. "Reach in and pull the ring, Myloeh. Let's see what it does."



"I thought about doing that, but then I remembered this," the thief said as he reached down and picked up an arm bone from one of the skeletons. "I thought it was interesting until I saw the hole." He held it up for the two dwarves to see: the arm bones ended shortly after the elbow.



"I agree with Hobar. Reach in and pull the ring," Throckmir said with an evil smile.



"Funny, very funny," Myloeh replied. "I have an idea, though." The halfling reached into his pouch and pulled out another piece of string and a sturdy hook; Throckmir recognized them as thieves tools, used to fish open bars on doors and windows. Holding the hook in one hand, Myloeh carefully reached into the hole and put the hook on the ring. Quickly removing his arm, he sighed in relief and smiled. "Well, here goes nothing," he said and pulled the string. The ring was attached to a wire which moved forward slowly as Myloeh pulled. Suddenly, there was a loud 'snap' and Myloeh fell backward, landing on his rear painfully. This was followed by a loud rumbling, and the outline of a small door appeared which slowly began to rise upwards. The three of them looked into the long, dark passage which now lay before them. Myloeh looked down at the remainder of the string in his hand, which had been crushed in half by some great weight. "Well, now we know what happened to that guy's arm. Bugs and other vermin must have considerately cleaned out the hole after the mess." The halfling shivered a bit at the thought and rose to his feet.



"Well done, Myloeh," Hobar said and slapped the thief on the back.



Myloeh rubbed his shoulder and replied, "Think nothing of it. It's my job."



Throckmir had meanwhile begun to peer into the passage, curious to see what lie ahead. "This should be interesting," he said to the other two. "We'd better hurry, before the door closes or something."



The rest of the party had by this time ascended the cliff face and now stood with the other three. After a short explanation of what they had missed, the party prepared to enter the tomb. Hobar decided to let Myloeh go ahead of the group by about 20 feet, scouting for traps and other dangers. Throckmir thoroughly agreed with this, as did the rest of the party. "Your vote of confidence is overwhelming," Myloeh said sarcastically. Shrugging, he turned and entered the passage...



[Myloeh]



*



Hobar, Myloeh, Throckmir, Astrel, Jake, and Vic scrambled through the passage Myloeh opened up. Once inside, the passage closed behind them.



"Damn, we should have blocked that door open," cursed Hobar. "Myloeh, see if you can open up that door."



"Why, that's not where we are going?" answered Myloeh with a chuckle. He took one look at Hobar's face and decided against arguing further. He tried the door, but was unable to open it. He just shrugged his shoulders.



"All right, we need a plan of action," Hobar said to the group. "Myloeh will go first, I'll follow, then Astrel, Jake, Vic and then Throckmir."



Almost immediately the group broke into simultaneous argument. Throckmir wanted to be behind the halfling where the action was likely to be, Jake wanted to bring up the rear where he could best observe the whole situation, Astrel wanted to be near Jake, and Vic began by saying that he should be up front with the halfling since had knew how to check for traps also. This last statement brought the discussion to an abrupt halt.



"Your kidding, Vic, you can check for traps?" asked Throckmir, echoing the thoughts of everyone in the group.



"Well, yeah. I can check for traps." answered Vic.



Myloeh and Vic exchanged glances and an unspoken message passed between them. Vic brought out a slender walking stick which he could use to poke and prod in front of himself. Hobar looked over Vic for the first time taking in all that was visible. Vic carried a huge backpack which would slow down most normal sized men. He carried a bastard sword, a couple daggers, and a series of pouches about his waist. As Vic had rummaged through his pack to bring out some tools, Hobar

noticed some really strange contraptions which he could only guess about their purpose.



"So, Vic, what other abilities do you have that the group should be aware of?" questioned Hobar.



"Well, you've witnessed my magic abilities, I can help the halfling with the trap checking, and unlocking chores, and I can fight pretty well to."



Hobar had little doubt that Vic's strength would come close to rivaling that of his and Throckmir's. Hobar closed his eyes and shook his head. "All right Vic, you follow behind the halfling and help check for traps."



The group decided upon an order of Myloeh and Vic up front, Hobar and Naugrim next, Astrel and Jake bringing up the rear.



"Now," Hobar continued, "who has torches?"



Throckmir had had enough. "Let's get started. I'm dying of boredom here."



"You'll die of stupidity my impatient friend," Astrel coolly responded.



"We need to tie ropes around my and Myloeh's waist so we won't fall in any pits," said Vic to nobody in particular.



Just then 3 giant rats leaped out from nowhere and attacked. Hobar rolled his eyes, realizing that Throckmir was not the only one who was getting bored with the party taking so long to get organized and started.



[SCUZ ]



*



Myloeh leapt to the side, drawing his short sword and a small buckler shield. Stabbing furiously he managed to impale one of the rats before many of the others had even reacted. Vic drew his bastard sword only to find that it was far too long for the passage; when he swung it overhead he struck the roof, causing a shower of dust and debris to rain down on all of them. "Damn!" Myloeh yelled, rubbing at his eyes. "Now I can't see!"



Hobar and Throckmir had each drawn their axes and proceeded to turn the other two rats into chutney. "Call me the Orkin Man," Throckmir said with a laugh.



"Orcan?" Hobar asked. "Surely you can't be calling yourself an orc!"



"Oh, never mind," the other dwarf answered. "You wouldn't understand."



Jake had watched the whole proceeding with great interest. If recent events indicated the efficiency of this party, he had nothing to worry about. Some of them would certainly kill off themselves before too long, and the others would probably wind up killing off each other. It should be a simple matter to eliminate any of those still alive at the end of this affair. The only one who really concerned him was Astrel; there was something about the cleric he found unsettling. Perhaps he would have to arrange for an accident, and as soon as possible.



"Thanks, Vic!" Myloeh grumbled. "You nearly blinded me."



Vic shrugged and sheathed his bastard sword. "Accidents happen."



"To some more than others," Myloeh grumbled under his breath. The party headed off again down the corridor, with the halfling checking for traps and Vic probing the floor ahead with his cane. "Halt," Myloeh said holding up a hand to the group. "Got something here." Crouching down he felt a wire running across the floor from wall to wall at about four inches in height. "Hmmm..." the halfling said as he checked the trap. "Not sure how to disarm it, so we better step over it to be safe." The thief and Vic each stepped over the wire, and Myloeh stayed back to point it out to the others. When it came time for Jake and Astrel to go, Jake suddenly lost his footing and fell forward, landing on the two dwarves and knocking them to the floor. There were several loud "twangs!" and about 20 crossbow bolts suddenly flew down the corridor at them. Myloeh barely had time to crouch down and raise his buckler before him, but Astrel caught one in the arm and everyone else managed to suffer only minor scratches.



"What happened?" Hobar roared after rising to his feet.



"It was his fault!" Myloeh exclaimed. "That clumsy cleric tripped over the wire!"



"My apologies," Jake said with a smile. "Everyone is entitled to a mistake now and then."



Astrel had begun to examine his injury with a practiced eye. "Not too bad," he winced. "But I fear it has been poisoned." After pulling the bolt out, he quickly cast several spells on himself and on those who had been cut by the bolts. "That should neutralize any poison you may have received. Unfortunately, that drained me of many of my healing spells, and all of my neutralize poison spells," he said looking at Jake suspiciously.



"Great, simply great," Hobar groaned. "All right, let's be more careful from now on!" The party began to move further down the corridor until it ended in a left and right passage.



"Always choose left," Myloeh announced. "It is the direction preferred by the gods." The party turned left and soon saw a door on the right side of the corridor. The corridor continued on as well. "Which way now?" the halfling asked.



[Myloeh]



*



Vic moved to the forefront of the group. "I've got an idea," he said. From beneath his cloak, Vic produced a small green tree frog. The frog appeared to be dressed in some manner. Upon closer inspection, the frog was actually wearing a small red kilt.



"What on earth is that?" asked Hobar.



"Why, it's my KILTED FROG," replied Vic. "It's my familiar. I can use him to get an idea what is behind the door."



Hobar buried his head in his hands. Although he really had no knowledge of such, he thought to himself, "Vic is a fighter/mage/thief and he has a frog for a familiar. He is going to have no hit points and if the frog bites it, he's dead."



"It's your what?" questioned Myloeh.



[SCUZ]



*



"It is my familiar," Vic said pointing to the frog. Everyone in the group either moaned, slapped their foreheads, or grumbled obscenities in response.



"Well, back to work," Myloeh said with a shrug. "I suppose we should check out this door here first." Listening for several moments, he nodded and proceeded to check for traps. "All clear," he announced happily.



"I and my familiar will scout it out," Vic said as he pushed the halfling out of the way and reached for the door handle.



"But-" Myloeh began but never finished. As Vic opened the door there was a loud "whoosh!" as a cloud of flame burst forth and engulfed the mage and his familiar.



"Wow, I barely survived that," Vic said as he patted out the flames. "Not many hit points left after that one!" Hobar looked very serious and pointed down at the ground. There before them was the blackened body of a small, kilted frog. With a loud "gack!" the frog, well, "croaked." "Damn!" Vic said as he fell over dead.



"I knew that familiar would be the death of him. I just never thought it would be so soon!" Hobar said as he shook his head.



"I knew Vic would be the death of himself," Throckmir mumbled to himself.



"A pity to have lost one of our number so soon," Jake said with a terribly insincere expression of sadness on his face. Astrel gave him a dirty look but decided not to go any further.



"And on top of everything he didn't have anything worth crap," Throckmir spat in disgust as he finished looting the body.



"Of course not," Hobar said. "He never lives long enough to collect anything worth having."



Myloeh had meanwhile snuck into the room to do a little exploring. Suddenly several torches magically lit and illuminated the large circular room. At the far end, seated on a small marble pillar, sat a huge magnificent ruby. "By all the gods!" he exclaimed moving toward it. Everyone else, seeing the gem, quickly forgot about Vic and moved toward the gem as well.



"Check it for traps, and then check it again," Hobar said.



"Righty-o," the thief replied. Myloeh searched very carefully and then examined it again, careful not to move the gem. "Everything looks okay," he smiled to Hobar. Picking the gem up slowly he held it up to the group. "Magnificent, isn't it?" he asked. Suddenly there was a loud rumbling and a gate slammed down in front of the door they had all just come through. This was quickly followed by a loud scraping and the falling of dust from overhead. As the group looked up they saw that the roof was now slowly descending on them. "Oops," the halfling said.



"I'll 'oops' you!" Throckmir replied.



"We must hurry if we don't want to wind up as paste!" Astrel exclaimed.



"Myloeh, you and Throckmir search for secret doors. Jake, you and I and Throckmir will try and lift the gate out of the way. Astrel, see if you can slow the roof down in any way," Hobar commanded. Everyone quickly moved to do their part and spread out. Myloeh and Throckmir quickly reported back that there seemed to be no secret doors to be found, and it was obvious that the gate was not about to move. The roof was now only a few feet above the gate and still descending.



Weighing his options carefully, Jake came to a decision. "I think I can get rid of the gate," he said. "I have a device here that produces quite an explosion. I just need some time to get it set up. Can you delay the roof a few moments more?"



"If someone can wedge an object, something, oh, say, about eight inches in height above the gate, I think it will buy us time," Astrel suggested.



"What do we have that size?" Throckmir asked. Everyone slowly turned to Hobar and stared at him.



"No, no, you can't have it!" he cried. "I've had this mug for years now! It's my best friend, definitely my most loyal one!"



"It's that or we're all going to quickly be reduced to goo," Astrel said.



Hobar fought with his decision for several tense moments and finally said, "Here, take it! Never let it be said I haven't sacrificed mightily for this adventure!" He thrust it at Astrel who quickly held it above the gate, just inches below the roof. As the roof descended slowly, Jake produced a small black ball with a wick in it and placed it at the foot of the gate. By now the roof had made contact with the mug, and the group held their breath as the roof made a loud groaning sound. The enchanted mug of everfull liquor held, though.



"Well done!" Myloeh said as he slapped the dwarf on the back, trying to console him. The halfling could see that tears were welling up in his friend's eyes. Hobar simply nodded his head.



"I suggest we all move back several feet," Jake said as he ran along the wall and then crouched down, covering his head with his arms.



Throckmir looked down and saw that the wick was lit and burning quickly. "Hmmm...." he said as the group moved away. Suddenly there was a loud explosion and the gate blew outward. Jake ran through the doorway and the roof began to quickly descend as if it was making up for lost time. Everyone ran through with the exception of Myloeh. "Come on!" Throckmir called to him.



"Just a second," Myloeh shouted back. As the roof descended he snatched up the large gem from the pedestal before the roof crushed it. He then crouched and sprinted for the doorway which was now only 3 feet high.



"Hurry!" Throckmir called to him, his past insults forgotten. In spite of his size, Myloeh was forced to drop to all fours and scramble for the doorway. Folding his arms he rolled through the doorway and looked back to see the ceiling slam down completely.



"Wow, that was close," the halfling sighed in relief. Pulling out a jeweler's eyepiece he carefully examined the gem. "Hmm... Looks genuine. I'd say it was worth 25,000 gold pieces at least."



Hobar hugged the halfling, forgetting the lose of his precious mug for the moment. "Well done!"



Throckmir smiled as he reached out and took the gem. Gazing at it in wonder he said, "This alone makes the journey worth while."



The halfling smiled back at the dwarf and nodded. Looking down the corridor, Myloeh asked, "Ready to continue?"



[Myloeh]



*



"Lead on," Hobar said as he looked down at the charred remains of Vic and his familiar. "It's starting to smell a bit here."



Myloeh looked over his shoulder at Hobar, shrugged, and moved off cautiously down the corridor. Checking for traps as he went, the halfling suddenly held his hand up. "Wait. I've got something here." Dropping on all fours and holding his light close to the floor, the thief ran his fingers over what looked to be a very well crafted seem in the floor. "This seem is out of place. The entire floor so far has been carved out of the rock of the mountain. Now this section looks as if it was placed here. V-e-r-r-r-y suspicious if you ask me."



Jake moved forward a bit to get a better look. The master assassin hoped that this might be another opportunity to remove another party member or two if he was lucky. Now, he thought, this looks obviously to be a pit trap of some sort. That idiot halfling might actually be able to be persuaded to walk along its edges, and if I get that Hobar clod to... but his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a strong push from behind. Jake stumbled forward, tripped over Myloeh, and fell face first onto the floor. Instantly the floor opened up and Jake fell downward towards some sort of a black void. "N-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!" he screamed before he disappeared.



"What happened to him?" Myloeh exclaimed. "Did that clumsy idiot trip again?" The halfling stared into the void and saw no sign of the half-orc.



"In a manner of speaking," Throckmir said with an evil grin as he dusted off his hands. "But he had a bit of help." He looked over at Hobar and the two shook hands.



"Why did you do that?" Astrel demanded.



"Because we began to tire of him trying to kill everyone," Hobar answered gruffly. "Did only Throckmir and I find him suspicious? Didn't the rest of you wonder about all of his so-called 'accidents'?"



"Well, now that you mention it he was a bit creepy," Myloeh added. "But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt."



"Which is why I have the map and you follow my orders," Hobar snapped at him.



"But you had no right to ambush him that way! If you thought him evil you should have called him out and challenged him like a man, er, I mean dwarf!" Astrel said angrily.



"Oh, shut up, cleric," Throckmir said. "There was no 'thinking' he was evil, he was evil! I checked out his gear the last time we camped. That guy had more poison on him than a viper!"



"But the way you killed him was disgraceful! There was no honor in his death!" Astrel said.



"Honor, schmonor," Hobar replied. "Look, you kill your assassins your way, and I'll kill mine my way. If you don't like it, you can leave."



Astrel looked at the dwarf and did not reply for several moments. "Well, I agree that he was evil. And if you had called him out he probably wouldn't have accepted the challenge anyway, and might very well have snuck off to strike us later when we weren't prepared."



"Good points," Myloeh added respectfully.



"Now you've got it," Throckmir said with a nod. "Are we ready to go now? Myloeh, can we creep along the wall and get past this gods damned pit?"



Myloeh looked dubiously at the narrow ledge along the right wall that was now their only way passed the trap. Shrugging, he removed his backpack and threw it with all his might to the far side of the pit. Hugging the wall, he slowly inched his way to the other side. "I guess we can make it if we're careful," he smiled back at the group. Hobar pulled out a rope, tied it to himself, and gave the other end to Astrel and Throckmir. He too made his way to the other side after several close calls. After several more minutes the entire group made their way to the other side of the pit.



Hobar waved Myloeh to move on, and the group moved off down the passage. After another fifty feet the party saw a large set of bronze doors before them. The doors were carved with all manner of glyphs and symbols, but in common was written across the top, "You Stand Before the Tomb of Martek. Entire at Your Own Peril." Scratching his head, Myloeh turned to the group. "Think this is really it?" he asked.



"Only one way to find out," Throckmir answered.



"Check for traps, very carefully check for traps," Hobar ordered.



[Myloeh]



*



Myleoh took out his tools and began to very carefully go over the doors checking for traps. Twenty minutes later, sweat on his brow, Myleoh looked perplexed at the group. "I don't find any traps at all," said Myleoh.



"Well check it again," replied Hobar gruffly. "there has got to be something there."



"I've already checked twice," an exasperated Myleoh replied.



After conferring amongst themselves, the group decided that Throckmir should try to open the doors using his axe and a crow bar, while everyone else stands to the side. Before the attempt, Astrel cast a spell to heal what wounds Throckmir had; Myleoh tied a rope around Throckmir's waist and gave the other end to Hobar.



Throckmir made ready and approached the door with his axe. He stood for a moment so as to collect his thoughts and then a glaze came over his eyes. "AAEEEEEEE!!!!" screamed Throckmir as he threw himself at the door as though it were his mortal enemy. Throckmir made several hacks at the door before throwing down his axe in disgust. The axe had made not a scratch in the door. Throckmir next threw himself physically at the door and let loose several choice dwarven

oaths as his muscles bulged with his effort.



"The door has had a spell cast upon it," Astrel offered to the group.



Myleoh yelled at Throckmir, "It's no use, the door has been locked by wizardry."



Throckmir continued to throw himself bodily at the door as if ignoring the halfling. Myleoh went to yell again when Hobar put his hand on the halfling's shoulder and said, "Save your breath, Myleoh. Throckmir is too engrossed in his task to pay you any mind. Give him a minute, and he will tire and return to us."



Sure enough, Throckmir continued pounding on the door for a few more minutes and then slowly began to end his attack on the door. His fist bloodied and his head hung low, a winded Throckmir gave up and turned to the group. "Tha damned thing won't budge, I barely scratched it," panted Throckmir.



"The door has a spell upon it," Myleoh offered again.



Throckmir gritted his teeth and hissed, "Damned wizards."



"Well what did you expect from a wizards tomb?" giggled Myleoh.



Throckmir's eyes began to glaze over again as he gripped his axe and moved toward the halfling. Hobar and Astrel were quick to step between Throckmir and the halfling to stave off any trouble. Perhaps since he was physically exhausted, Throckmir turned aside and did not attack the halfling. Myleoh swallowed had and kept a forced smile upon his lips. As the group surveyed the doors in silence, there came a thumping of metal on stone. "Thump ......Thump .......Thump." The sound came from the direction they had come from. A faint light began to grow as something approached down the hall from which they had come.



"Vic's replacement?" whispered Myleoh.



"Nah! Can't be, we'll likely find him chained to a wall somewhere," responded Astrel.



Myleoh through down his pebble and faded into shadows. Hobar and Throckmir spread apart and armed themselves. Astrel stood behind the dwarves and pulled out his herb and holy symbol. A single figure approached walking with a staff. The staff accounted for the rhythmic thumping as the figure approached. After a few moments, the figure was close enough to recognize as a human dresses all in black with flowing robes and numerous rings on his fingers.



"Who the f--- are you!" growled Hobar.



The robed one eyed Hobar for a moment as though deciding what to say and replied, "I've come to help with your quest. I ask only for the spell books of the mage Martek if they are found, and in return, I'll offer my service in conquering what ever lurks within the walls of this place."



Myleoh leapt from the shadows and quick stepped up to the robed one. "Happy to make your aquintence. My name is Myleoh Stout Hyggins the IV. We welcome you to our group" said Myleoh as he offered his hand.



The stranger smiled down at the halfling but did not offer his hand.



"Myleoh, one day your dim wits will be the end of you," cursed Hobar under his breath which he followed with, "s---... f--- ... s---.... f---"



"Well, should we attack," asked Throckmir of Hobar.



"Shut up, damn it!" cursed back Hobar. "Who are you, and how do we know that you can be trusted." Hobar asked of the stranger.



"I'll prove myself to you, please step aside," said the stranger as he began to cast a spell.



Everyone dove to the side of the door which stood locked behind them. Hobar came up with several daggers in his hand ready to throw. Throckmir had a couple throwing axes at hand and also prepared to throw. Before either dwarf could throw, the doors behind them began to open.



The stranger stopped casting and smiled as he pointed at the door and said, "Behold."



[Hobar ]



*



All eyes were on the room which lay beyond the doors. It was large in size and circular in shape, with a high-arched ceiling painted with extravagant murals, all of which depicted a mighty mage engaged in battle with all manner of powerful supernatural creatures. Along the wall of the room were a variety of artworks, including paintings, tapestries, and sculptures. The floor of the room was covered in beautiful mosaics which were of magical creatures and a variety of mystical symbols. In the center of the room was a small tomb with a single door in the wall facing them. Standing beside the door on each side was a large stone statue of a warrior clad only in a loin cloth and holding a huge two-handed sword in front of their chests. "Wow," was all Myloeh could think of to say. "Absolutely breathtaking."



"Yeah," Hobar grunted. Eyeing the black-clad mage carefully, Hobar turned to the halfling. "Check it out, Myloeh. Search the tomb especially carefully."



"Right, chief," Myloeh replied with a mock salute. Creeping into the room, he began inspecting the walls and the floors, searching for traps or secret doors. The thief occasionally whistled in appreciation at the beauty and wealth around him, but eventually found himself at the tomb. "Hobar, I can't find a thing," the halfling said. "The whole place looks clean," he said with a shrug. Something about the two statues unnerved him, but he decided to say nothing. Must be my nerves, he thought to himself.



"Alright, open the door then," Hobar called to him from the entranceway. Throckmir watched the stranger carefully, but the mage seemed completely disinterested in the dwarf. His focus was solely on the halfling. Myloeh slowly pulled on the door, but he could not get it to budge. Reaching into his bag of tools he pulled out a small pry bar and turned to work on the door. "Myloeh!" Hobar suddenly yelled at him.



"What?" the halfling said with a note of annoyance in his voice. "I'm working here!" He suddenly felt himself lifted several feet into the air and turned around. He found himself facing one of the statues which held him at arm's length in front of its face. Gulping, he said meekly, "Uh, hello." The statue's eyes stared vacantly at him, but Myloeh knew he was not about to get a warm welcome. Swinging the pry bar with all his might he struck the statue in the forehead, causing only a small chip to break off. "Uh-oh," he said as the statue threw him through the air at his companions. The halfling felt himself rushing through the air and flailed his arms and legs helplessly.



"I've got him!" Throckmir said dropping his axe and holding his arms out. The small halfling struck him squarely in the chest, knocking both of them to the floor breathless. "Owwww," they both grunted in unison. The party then stared in amazement as the two statues began moving slowly toward them, swords raised high...



[Myloeh]



*



"Oh damn, damn, and double damn!" Hobar hissed, stepping in front of Throckmir and Myloeh. The robed mystery mage stepped back down the hall and appeared to be rummaging through his robe looking for something. Astrel looked to Myloeh to see how badly he was hurt and then faced off with one of the stone golems while drawing his sword from his shouldered scabbard. The ring of metal striking metal echoed through the chamber as Hobar and Astrel met the downward swings of the golems swords. Hobar was stunned when the blow he was parrying knocked him to his knees. As strong as he was, Hobar's enemy proved stronger (as usual). Astrel, however, converted the power of the golem's swing into momentum by catching it's blade with his and sliding both blades to the side thus twisting the golem around and sending him off balance. Throckmir, still on the floor, saw the opening and leapt forward plouging into the legs of the golem. With a grunt, Throckmir crashed into the 'rock hard' shin of the creature and bounced back more bruised than before. The attack served its purpose though, for the golem tottered on its heels and then crashed to the floor shattering into a thousand pieces. Hobar, seeing how the other golem was dispatched, dropped his weapon and grappled the legs of his golem. Rising from his knees straining desperately with its weight, Hobar lifted the golem from the floor and heaved mightily, sending it also crashing to the floor like a delicate ceramic bowl.



Silence followed the battle and each member of the party looked around to be sure they all lived. Then, one by one the party members looked down the hall at the self proclaimed mage. "Oh, here it is!!!" the wizard exclaimed pulling a bone colored wand from somewhere deep within his robes. He looked up smiling and only then noticed everyone looking at him. His smile quickly vanished and with a gulp the mage meekly said, "What.....is it over?"



"Let me kill him NOW!!!" cried Throckmir pushing past Astrel and running over Myloeh who was only now regaining his feet after being thrown.



"Not again!" squeaked Myloeh as Throckmir sent him flying into the cavern wall. Throckmir headed straight towards the mage with death in his eyes and the mage turned as if to run. Then, remembering his wand, the wizard pointed it at the advancing dwark and peeped out the word 'ice' in some ancient language (everyone was fluent in that tongue of course). Instantly Throckmir was encased in a block of ice and the wizard stifled a giggle.



Again the gathered party members were stunned - not because the so called mage really had some power, but because a dwarf (a dwarf in their party to be more exact) hadn't thrown off the simple magic and smashed the mage to bits.



"What.... How... But he..... Man, fate's dice can be so cruel!" Myloeh said quietly. Before the rest of the party could react, Myloeh's halfling senses suddenly flared in his head. "Hey! Hey everyone, the slope of the hall is changing!" As soon as Myloeh uttered his warning, the party members in the hall felt the ground rising up beneath them. They began to slide back towards the chamber and quickly grabbed for crevases in the rock to stop their slide. A grating sound arose from farther down the hall and Myloeh and Astrel looked up to see a solid block of ice (the ice that held Throckmir) sliding towards them at an ever increasing rate. They knew they couldn't smash the block or Throckmir would shatter with it, so their only recourse was to let go of the wall and run into the chamber. Throckmir (known for about two hours later as 'ice boy') slid into the chamber and stopped in the middle.



Myloeh started for the hall immediately after it was clear and stopped in surprise. There no longer was an exit where the hall had been, instead there was sheer, grey rock. Myloeh turned to the group and said, "Well, we aren't going out that way, and what's more, if my inbred... uh, inborn... well if I'm right, we are going down, deep into the earth, at a very high rate of speed."



"I knew those golems were too easily defeated!" Hobar said.



Startled, everyone walked around the block of ice to see the wizard hanging onto the back side of the ice. "I didn't want to get left behind," he said, then jumped down from the block and continued, "but I do want to know what's behind that door." Without another word, the mage strode toward the tomb's door leaving a very perplexed group of adventurers behind him.



[Barrett ]



*



'Man this sucks' thought Throckmir as he gazed through the solid ice at the rest of the party. The cold had slowed his system and he was barely breathing. Moments before he was charging the cowardly mage and now this. 'Hmmm, looks like a picked a bad week to stop smoking!'. Throckmir's mind raced as he tried in vain to escape his icy prison. The one thought that kept him warm was how sweet it would be to watch the bastard wizard's head topple from that scrawny neck as his axe bit deep. With that thought in mind, he had an idea. He concentrated on his bowels and soon felt the faint, first rumblings. Fortunately for him, his last dinner was one of Dwarven Spirits, Kobold jerky, blood pudding, course black bread, and fermented harpy eggs. The noxious, somewhat toxic bowel fumes that produced quickly attacked the interior of the ice coffin. One flatulating assault after another weakened the ice and with a last gut-wrenching belch that started somewhere in Chicago, the ice shattered, spilling the dwarf unceremoniously onto the floor. The gas wraith quickly assaulted the nostrils of all present doubling more than one over in coughing fits.



The mage, whose eyes were blind with tears, dropped beside the exhausted Naugrim, wretching like he had never wretched before. As the shivering, somewhat smelly Naugrim looked at the mage, he grinned wickedly and thought, "I love the smell of Napalm in the morning."



[Naugrim ]



*



Myloeh blinked, trying to stop the stinging in his eyes while he pinched his nose shut to try in vain to prevent himself from breathing in the toxic fumes. "By all the gods! You are disgusting!" he yelled at Naugrim.



Naugrim could only laugh in response and did so until his sides ached. "It worked, didn't it?" he finally replied. Everyone else in the room was busy covering their mouths and noses with their cloaks or tunics, and some were bravely waving their shields around in an attempt to diffuse the stench.



"Man, you are a piece of work," Hobar said to his pungent friend. "Alright, everybody, where do you think we are, and how do we get out of here?" he asked as he looked where the door used to be.



"Well, by my instincts I'd say we are at least one hundred feet lower than where we were, but it's only a guess," the halfling offered.



"Great," Hobar replied. "Alright, mage, you got one set of doors open, now why don't you try those?" Hobar pointed to the doors on the tomb.



"That I will," the black garbed mage said. Speaking a word of power and waving at the door, the doors suddenly burst inward, creating a thunderous sound.



"That should allow us to keep the element of surprise," Throckmir chuckled.



"I don't think that was ever an issue," Myloeh said with a shrug. Creeping forward, he peered into the dimly let tomb. There seemed to be magical globes along the walls, illuminating a small landing and a narrow set of stairs leading down. Hobar peered over his shoulder and then nodded to the halfling to proceed. Myloeh slowly entered the small room and searched for traps. Finding none, he nodded to Hobar and began descending the stairs.



"Ok, everyone. Standard marching formation, with our new friend traveling with Astrel in the back. Cleric, keep a good eye on him. At the first sign of trouble, smash him," Hobar ordered. Astrel nodded reluctantly, deciding not to argue with the dwarf at this time. The group entered the tomb and looked down to see the halfling below them about 20 steps. They slowly began to follow, stepping carefully the entire way.



The stairway was expertly carved from the rock of the mountain, with amazingly smooth walls and stairs so smooth that they made walking precarious. "Beautiful workmanship," Throckmir said. "It must have been done by dwarves." Myloeh looked over his shoulder and nodded in agreement to the dwarf. To everyone's surprise the stairs suddenly folded down until they laid perfectly flat, forming a very steep smooth ramp. "Aaaaaah!" they all screamed in unison as the began speeding downward. The stairwell suddenly rounded to the left and the group began picking up even more speed. Hobar attempted to chop into the wall in an attempt to wedge his axe in place, but found that the blow only nicked his axe. "Damn!" he yelled in frustration. The others attempted to slow they descent or wedge themselves in place, but all to no avail.



"Uh-oh," they heard Myloeh say from around a corner ahead of them. As the group flew around the corner, they were just in time to see the halfling shoot through a strange and unearthly black void which stretched from wall-to-wall, and ramp-to-ceiling. "Oh, crap," Throckmir said as they each one by one slid downward and into the void...



[Myloeh]



*



The group landed in a heap. The final landing place was a warm, damp, pitch black, and smelled of sulfur. "By the gods, we've been swallowed by a red dragon," Myloeh said.



"I'll have us a light in a second," Throckmir called out. There was then a crack, crack, crack as Throckmir used flint to try and light a torch.



"Stop that you fool," Hobar yelled out at Throckmir, "You've been out of the underground world too long. Smell that sulfurous gas, it could mean trouble with an open flame."



"I can't smell anything," Throckmir replied.



"I can imagine not, my pungent friend. Your nasal passages should have been burned away by that ice entombed flatulation," added Astrel.



Light filled the chamber as the dark robe mage pulled out a wand and said, "Edison." The light emanated from the wand and illuminated a 30 foot area.



The group appeared to be in an underground rough hewn cave. Against one wall was chained a familiar looking individual. "Well it's about time," called out what could only be a twin of Vic. "I only missed one game and this is how I end up?" he continued.



Hobar looked at the chained human against the wall. "Who the hell are you?"



"Ummm, I'm Nic. Vic's second cousin. I was following behind ya'll to help my cousin, I fell in a trap, knocked unconscience by a golem and awoke here in chains. But this time, I didn't do magic and got better strength percentages."



There was an audible sigh of relief from the rest of the group. This Vic (errr Nic) looked even bigger than his other cousin did.





"That's a pretty lame explanation of how you got here," Myleoh added to Nic.



"Well, what did you want, an explanation that would bore you to tears?" Nic answered back. "Hmmmm, I should test these muscles," he continued as he strained against his chains until they broke from the wall of the cave.



"Well, where the hell are we? anyone?" asked Hobar, as the new member of the group took up Vic's old position as though he had always known this group.



"I haven't the slightest idea," said Myloeh as he examined the cave wall that stood where the base of the stairway should have been.



"Well, we are about 1000 feet under ground" added Throckmir who had suddenly remembered he had dwarven abilities.



"Marching positions, let's move out," called out Hobar.



[SCUZ ]



*







As Throckmir followed the group, he stared at Nic. 'This is just uncanny' he thought. Well, at the risk of incurring the wrath of Clangeddin Silverbeard and stretching my alignment, I've just got to know. The gruff dwarf loosened his mighty axe from the leather tethers on his broad chest, hefted it high, and before anyone could react clove the unsuspecting Nic in twain. There was stunned silence as the two, somewhat symmetrical pieces of Nic fell apart. There was an enormous amount of gore covering everyone in the small party. When the shock of the act wore off, Astrel was the first to speak. "What on this earth have you done?" he asked incredulously. "You...you just butchered that man in cold blood!"



"Well, er, ummm...well...you see" stammered the dwarf as he cleaned the axe, "I just thought that as we get closer to the tomb of Martek, we'll need some truly butt-kicking pcs to stay alive. Vic was okay...and then Vic was alright, but Nic was getting better. Naturally I figured Ric or Dic or Slic would get us just what we needed."



Hobar had produced another strange-looking flask from beneath his weathered tunic and as Throckmir finished his enlightening explanation, Hobar raised the flask and took and enormously long and sloppy pull. "I'll drink to that" he belched.



Myloeh was nodding in feigned agreement as he deftly finished pilfering the second half of the wretched corpse. "Right then" he agreed, "let's keep moving."



The party began to move with the accetion of Astrel. "I must minister to this poor man's soul" he stated, casting a rueful glance at the unconcerned Naugrim, "and I shall pray for yours, also. I shall catch up momentarily." With that, the party once again moved deeper into the unknown.



[Naugrim ]



*



Astrel knelt beside the horribly mutilated remains of Nic, quietly chanting a prayer for the departed soul. When he had finished he decided to say one more for the twisted and perverted soul of that foul dwarf, Throckmir Naugrim. "Oh, Pholtus, god of light, bring wisdom and forgiveness to the dwarf known as Throckmir. He and the others I have recently met are desperately in need of your blessing. Show mercy on them, Pholtus."



"You forgot to ask a blessing for someone," a voice hissed at Astrel from the darkness.



"Who's there?" the cleric shouted out. Straining his eyes he looked about but could only see the inky blackness which surrounded him. Speaking a word of power a light suddenly sprang from his hand. He spun around quickly, using the light as a beacon to shine into the darkness but finding that its illumination seemed to be stifled by some magical effect which permeated the area.



"You neglected to say a prayer for yourself," the voice hissed at him again from a different direction.



Astrel felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He could attempt to run in the direction of the party, possibly leaving his back exposed to attack, or he could hold his ground here. Casting a spell of protection from evil, he decided he would fight and drew his mighty sword.





This was met with a sinister giggle from the darkness, again from a different location. "Pray cleric, pray that your god protects you," the voice hissed mockingly.



"Pholtus, aid me!" Astrel shouted out. There was s terrifying growl from the darkness and Astrel suddenly felt claws and fangs rip into his back, shoulders, and legs. He screamed into the darkness as he felt the fangs bite into the back of his head, and then he felt no more...



*



"What in the nine hells was that?" Hobar blurted out.



"It was Astrel, and it didn't sound very good," Myloeh replied with a shiver.



"Ah, he's a jerk anyway. I say we leave him," Throckmir said. "He's always judging people: 'you shouldn't kill assassins just because they try to kill you,' or 'you shouldn't kill people just because their next incarnation will be better,' or 'you stink too much.' Personally, I'm sick of it."



"Perhaps we should at least investigate," the dark mage said.



"From the sounds of those screams, by now the question is moot," Myloeh said with a shrug. Considering whether or not it was worth the risk to go back and loot the body, he finally said, "Oh well, what's done is done. I say we look for a way out of here."



"Right!" Hobar said as he wiped the backwash of ale from his chin. "We're burning daylight here, or whatever passes for daylight. Let's keep going in the direction we were heading." The group continued on under the light of the mage's wand, but all of them could not help but to look over their shoulders periodically at the threatening blackness behind them.



[Myloeh]





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