Dear Bozo,[The views expressed in this column are NOT those of the editor. Any and all threats of death or legal action should be directed solely to the author.]
Dear Bozo,
I am writing to you out of desperation. I am an ancient red dragon (but still quite fit for my age, and there is still
fire in my belly if you know what I mean) who has managed to accumulate quite a sizable fortune over the
centuries. My problem is this: every time I turn around or simply try to take a nap some moronic adventurers come
creeping in with hopes of killing me and stealing my loot. It's gotten ridiculous! I mean really, how many humanoids
do I have to kill and eat before they will leave me in peace? The worst thing is that they are not even that tasty. I
have begun to be a bit paranoid now; I here footsteps where there is no one, and I am constantly woken by dreams
of adventurers attacking me in my sleep. What is a poor dragon to do?
Signed,
Rich, Scaly, and Very Paranoid
Dear RSVP,
I feel your pain man.... I mean dragon. I, for one, know the debilitating fear that comes from being victimized. I once had a ring stolen right from my hand while enjoying a drink in a bar while vacationing in the city of Greyhawk. Well actually, I was drunk and only had the ring in my hand and not on my finger because I had just borrowed it from the bartender without his permission. The ring wasn't even magic and wasn't worth more than 4 silver. Either way, I felt wronged by the accusation that I was a thief. I was so upset by the slanderous attack, I was forced to stab the dastardly bartender in the neck with my short sword. So, as you can see, I can relate to your paranoid feelings. I learned a great deal from this experience and I would like to share a suggestion with you. You should place your treasure somewhere safe so that you do not have to worry about it. I would gladly look after your goodies. If you would prefer not to relinquish your horde, I understand. Good luck and stay strong.
Your Dinner,
Bozo
P.S. Thanks for including your return address. Mind if I visit?
Dear Bozo,
You are a very disturbed young man who should seriously consider counseling. I find your advice repulsive, dangerous, and without any regard for ethics. I sincerely doubt that you even have the credentials to "dish out" advice to your very needy readers. I, on the other hand, have a Ph.D. in exercise and am therefore qualified to guide my blind followers to the light. I would encourage all of your readers to call or write to me and I will provide qualified advice. I rarely threaten my listeners and often even address their questions, unlike you. I intend to root out all of the scum who attempt to offer advice without a Ph.D. after their name. Get ready buster.
Sign me,
Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Laura,
I always appreciate feedback from one of my peers. I would like to address your questions in order. First, I was receiving counseling until I grew tired of my counselor and cut her head off. Since that time, I have counseled myself and have had wonderful results. Second, I am an impressively credentialed expert in my field. I am a graduate of the Sally Struthers Home Study program. I recently received a double Ph.D. in gun repair and torture. So, as you can see, I am more than qualified to "dish out" advice. I would like to offer some advice to you. I suggest that you meet me for lunch. We can meet in a dark alley café that I know. I believe that it is called 'Chez Thanos'. Waiting with baited breath for our date.
Sincerely,
Bozo, Ph.D., Esq.
Dear Bozo
You really burn me up. If I wasn't a peaceful grizzly, I would swallow you up whole but not before I would smack you around for a while with my shovel first. All you ever talk about is how you would kill someone. Have you considered how irresponsible people like yourself kill our "friends of the forest" with their uncontrolled campfires. You adventurers are all alike. If you need to make a hasty retreat or are just plain lazy, you just up and leave without properly extinguishing your camp fire. These fires account for the deaths of over 40 million woodland creatures a year. If it wasn't for our friends, the elves, those figures would probably be higher. Instead of talking about hate and murder you serve your fellow creature by opposing dangerous camping habits. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
Your friend in the forest,
Smokey the Bear
Dear Smokey,
I appreciate your dedication to protecting the forest and its inhabitants but allow me the opportunity to clear a few issues up for you. First, I burn what I like. Second, I burn where I want to and third, I burn when I wanna. I don't take orders from no talking bears and if given the opportunity I intend to burn you and your shovel into a fine ash. Regarding our "friends of the forest" and the elves; because of your information, I will begin the practice of fueling all of my camp fires with them. I would imagine that a nice fluffy bunny of a fat elf would burn quite nicely. Thank you for sharing your passions and remember only you can prevent forests.
Bozo
Dear Bozo,
I am in need of advice. It has been several years since I last spoke to an old friend, I'll call him "Bozo the Dwarf", and I find that I miss his company. I truly treasured our special friendship and felt honored that he called me friend (not to mention that he has no friends). Bozo was the author of an advice column and I was his secretary. I transcribed all of his invaluable advice for his desperate readers. Rumor has it that he has a new secretary who does his bidding and has replaced me. Bozo is a gifted and wise counselor whom I learned a great deal from and I miss him dearly. Well here's the problem: I feel that my life is lacking without our friendship. There is a void that can not be filled and I desire to rekindle our relationship. How can I win him back?
Sign me,
Chris "Hurt and Confused"
Dear Confused,
Nice try Chris. How could you think that I wouldn't know that it was you. Maybe you wanted me to know that it was you. Well you made a few mistakes that I will enlighten you about. First, you left me and forced me to find a new secretary, one that is less than adequate, in fact I think that I may have to kill him soon. Second, you didn't kill me when you had the chance, an error that you may regret. And thirdly, you foolishly placed your return address on your envelope. So you're in the Tampa area, eh? Mind if I drop in? I should have killed you long ago when you made that typo. Well, like I always say, it's never too late to correct a mistake.
See you soon old friend
Bozo
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