Civic Auditorium - Promoter Eddie McCann
[FADE IN: The camera pans the main street of a town in the
old west. CUE UP: The Theme from "The Good, the Bad and
the Ugly." Suddenly, two gunslingers walk out from
opposite ends of the street. The camera zooms in on the
first gunslinger on the left side of the screen. The
gunslinger is dressed in gray. The camera pans the
gunslinger from foot to head. The camera pauses at the
gunslinger's waist to reveal a belt buckle that reads
"Other Feds". The camera continues upwards to reveal the
face of a typical villian. The camera then moves onto the
other gunslinger dressed in navy blue. The camera pans the
gunslinger in similar fashion. This gunslinger's belt
buckle reads "FWF". The face of the gunslinger looks like
that of a typical hero. "Other Feds" pulls out a gun which
resembles a toy gun. "FWF" pulls out a giant sized
cartoon-like gun. "Other Feds" pulls the trigger on his
gun and a flag pops out which reads "BANG!" "FWF" pulls
the trigger on his gun and a loud shot is heard as the
screen suddenly goes black. CAPTION READS: "YOU ARE
WATCHING A FEATURE PRESENTATION. THIS IS AN EDDIE McCANN
PRODUCTION." CUE UP: "Black" by Sevendust. As the guitar
grinds and the drums kick in fire works explode from the
center of a wrestling ring.]
LAJON OF SEVENDUST: Voices call, call out my name my name
my name....They say I'm different, well I'm not the same
same....You say you want to be like me....Well boy let me
tell you, You don't know what I've seen....
[CUT TO CLIPS: Ferritt Fanatic executing a "Contagious
Disease", "Mr. Tuesday Night" Joe Van Dame connecting with
a "Vandameinator", Henry Goldwire staring menacingly at the
camera.]
LAJON: They say a devil builds in my soul....I promise not
to let him take control....
[CUT TO CLIPS: "The Child Prodigy" Johnny Havens nailing
someone with a steel chair, BLACK SCREEN WITH "FRONTIER"
WRITTEN IN WHITE, Brian Lawler with a vicious clothesline,
"The Flava'" Wayne Roberts getting in someone's face.]
LAJON: I'm minding my own business....I ain't doing nothing
wrong....I ain't doing wrong....
[CUT TO CLIPS: "Triple 6 Psycho" Reign Chancellor executing
a "Triple 6 Drop to Hell", BLACK SCREEN WITH "WRESTLING"
WRITTEN IN WHITE, Grand Theft executing the "Car Jack",
BLACK SCREEN WITH "FEDERATION" WRITTEN IN WHITE.]
LAJON: Shadows follow so close behind me....I look in the
mirror, I don't like what I see....Whoa God can't you help
me get out of here....I feel like I'm living deep in
hell....
[CUT TO CLIPS: Madonna Wayne Grossard blowing kisses, Venom
with "The Kiss of Death", BLACK SCREEN WITH "PRESENTS:"
WRITTEN IN RED.]
LAJON: I'm minding my own business....I ain't doing nothin'
wrong....I'm minding my own business....I ain't doin'
nothin' wrong....I'm I'm minding I'm mindin' my own,
own....I ain't doing wrong....I ain't doing nothing wrong
nothing wrong....
[CUT TO CLIPS: Pop Culture Superhero, "The Dragon" Michael
Kerrigan, Helix, Sage, BLACK SCREEN WITH "AN ASS KICKIN' IN
THE ZONE!!!"]
[FADE IN: The camera pans a sold out Civic Auditorium in
Omaha, Nebraska. The camera then zooms in on Tony Ross,
Victor Alvarez, and Jake Shades at the announcer's table.]
TONY ROSS: Hello everyone and welcome to the FWF's live
coverage of IN THE ZONE. I am Tony Ross and I am joined
tonight by Victor Alvarez and the always charming Jake
Shades. We are live here in Omaha!!!!
VICTOR ALVAREZ: And it is great to be here in front of this
sold out crowd as the FWF is really heating up!!
JAKE SHADES: Speak for yourself!!! After the trials and
tribulations that I have been through, I can think of
things that I'd rather be doing.
ALVAREZ: Like catching the Martha Stewart Special on the
Home & Garden Network??
SHADES: Not quite, fruit cake!!!
ROSS: Fans, tonight we have eleven big matches for you all
counting down to the FWF's first pay per view where all the
gold gets decided.
ALVAREZ: Well, you know there are a lot of people who
really need to pull things out tonight or by the time the
pay per view comes around, they will be on the outside
looking in when it comes to the title matches. Of course,
you broke that down for us nicely the other day, Tony...
ROSS: Jake, what are you doing??
SHADES: My MALEC-O-METER....It stopped!!!
ALVAREZ: They don't make things as good as they used to, eh
Jake?
SHADES: Well no wonder....it says "Made in Pandora", those
people never get anything right!!
ROSS: Nevertheless, let's turn our attention to tonight's
opening bout and Paul Kramer....
PAUL KRAMER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.....WELCOME TO FWF: IN
THE ZONE!!!!!!!! [crowd roars] Our opening contest is
scheduled for one fall and a 20-minute time limit!!!! [CUE
UP: "God Bless the Bums" by COMESHOT] Introducing first,
from Death Valley, California, he weighs in at 238 lbs.,
this is GOLLLLLLLEMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!! [crowd boos as Golem
walksout] His opponent..... [CUE UP: ""Necrophobic" by
Slayer] His opponent hails from Brooklyn, New York, he
weighs in at 365 lbs., here is "Triple 6 Psycho" REIGN
CHANCELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOORRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROSS: This is going to be a classic David vs. Goliath as
Chancellor out weighs Golem by 130 lbs. and is an entire
foot taller than him.
SHADES: I don't think I can take the excitement.....wake me
when it's over....
ALVAREZ: Will you stop!!
ROSS: The bell sounds and we are underway. Sal Putz is the
referee on duty. Chancellor and Golem circle around.
Golem gets a head of steam and charges....Golem with a
tackle and he doesn't budge the big man!!
ALVAREZ: That was kind of like a bug hitting a brick wall.
SHADES: Hmmm, I wonder if Chancellor brought some Raid with
him.
ROSS: Golem gets another head of steam....he charges and
Chancellor catches him in a bear hug.....OH MY
GOODNESS!!!!! Belly to belly suplex, and they felt that
all the way up in the rafters!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Golem might want to consider a different approach.
ROSS: Golem gingerly pulls himself back to his feet. Golem
ROSS: [con't] jumps on Chancellor, Chancellor catches him
mid-air....
ALVAREZ: Atomic drop coming...
ROSS: NO!!!! GOLEN CONNECTS WITH A LEAPING DDT!!!
ALVAREZ: INCREDIBLE!!!!!
SHADES: [yawns mockingly] Is it over yet?
ROSS: Golem with a quick cover, 1...2...AND NO!!
Chancellor kicks out and Golem falls out of the ring.
SHADES: [laughing] Ha!!! Someone in the front row just
threw beer on Golem!!!
ROSS: Are they friends of yours, Jake?
ALVAREZ: Maybe he met them in jail....
SHADES: I really do have to get my MALEC-O-METER fixed...
ROSS: Golem is yacking with the two guys in the front row
that dumped beer on him....
ALVAREZ: IN COMMMMMMMMINGGGGG!!!!!!!
ROSS: Chancellor nails Golem in the back with a steel
chair!!!!
SHADES: Good night, nurse!!!!!
[Bell sounds.]
ROSS: There's the bell....
ALVAREZ: I think the referee has thrown this one out....
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has counted out
both participants, he has ruled this match a double
count-out!!
[Chancellor eyes some of the fans and walks off.]
ROSS: Tough break for Reign Chancellor....
ALVAREZ: Or depending on how you look at it, lucky break
for Golem....
SHADES: Yeah, any longer and they would have had to use
pooper scooper to get him out of here...
[The lights begin to flicker.]
SHADES: Ok, which one of you guys forgot to pay the light
bill?
[A red spotlight shines in the ring. Smoke suddenly
engulfs the center of the ring.]
ROSS: MY GOODNESS, SOMEONE CALL 911!!!!!
ALVAREZ: I think the referee has thrown this one out....
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has counted out
both participants, he has ruled this match a double
count-out!!
[Chancellor eyes some of the fans and walks off.]
ROSS: Tough break for Reign Chancellor....
ALVAREZ: Or depending on how you look at it, lucky break
for Golem....
SHADES: Yeah, any longer and they would have had to use
pooper scooper to ROSS: It's Roberts!!!! He's got
something to say!!!!
WAYNE ROBERTS: Many people fight for many reasons....for
now on...I fight FOR ONE REASON....BLOOD
LUST....VENGEANCE....many have fallen in the past....BUT
none have fallen like the ones that WILL....
[Roberts pulls a chain out of his coat and jumps out of the
ring. He wraps it around the neck of Golem. He begins to
beat the poor man with the chain untill his skull begins to
bleed.]
ALVAREZ: OH NO!!!!! THIS IS UNCALLED FOR!!!!!
[Crowd expresses mixed emotions. Roberts licks the blood
from Golem's skull and then stands the man up.]
ROSS: DOUBLE ARM DDT on the CONCRETE FLOOR!!!!
[He lays GOLEM ontop of a table....climbs to the top rope
and jumps off.]
ALVAREZ: CORKSCREW PLANCHA 720 SPLASH!!!!!!!!
ROSS: Someone get this lunatic out of here!!!!!! Where is
security???
SHADES: Exactly how far is Dunkin' Doughnuts from here?
[The lights flicker and go off for a moment. When they
come back on Roberts is gone.]
ALVAREZ: Thankfully, Roberts has disappeared, but this
man....Golem, needs serious medical attention!!!!
ROSS: Fans, we gotta take a break and hopefully straighten
things out here. Don't you dare move.....more after
this...
[Ad for FWF's PPV]
ROSS: Fans we're back and can you believe what we just saw?
ALVAREZ: Well, let's just hope that Golem is ok.
ROSS: Victor, I am sure sooner or later, Golem will make
him pay.
SHADES: That is of course if he isn't brain damaged by
then!!!
ROSS: You know, you poke fun, but we saw was truly a
sickening display.
SHADES: Maybe it had something to do with the burritos you
were scarfing down before we went on the air!
ROSS: In any event, let's go back up to Paul Kramer for the
introductions of our next bout...
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, our second contest is
scheduled for one fall and a twenty minute time limit.
[CUE UP: "The Deliquent Song" by Voodoo Glow Skulls] Making
his way down the aisle from Riverside, California, weighing
in at 235 lbs., here is Frrrrrrrraannnnnkkkkkkkiiiieeeeee
Cassssssssssssillllllliiiiiiasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!! [The
crowd gives a mixed response.] And his opponent...hails
from the Smokey Mountains. He weighs in at 231 lbs. Here
is "Poor" Buuuuuuuutttttttttccchhhhhhhhhhh
Clllllammmmmmmpppppppettttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The crowd
gives another mixed reaction and some look grossed out as
Clampett brings a rat in a cage with him to the ring.]
ROSS: Jake, are you excited about seeing someone from your
neghborhood wrestle??
A MAN'S VOICE: Shut up!!!!
[Someone sits down at the announcer's table next to Shades.]
SHADES: Ah, the voice of reason speaks!
ALVAREZ: [to the man] And who are you?
[The bells sounds.]
MAN: I am "The True Professional" Adam Greene, but you and
Tony Ross can refer to me as sir!
ROSS: Well, excuse us if we are not delighted to have you
join us and if you don't mind, we have some play by play to
do.
GREENE: You go on and do what you have to, but there better
not be any disrespect here or someone's going to get hurt!!
ROSS: YES SIR!!! [mockingly salutes] Collar and elbow
tie-up.....Casillas whips Clampett to the ropes...ducks a
clothesline and connects with one of his own!!!
SHADES: So Adam, what brings you here?
ALVAREZ: Should you call him 'Sir?'
GREENE: Jake can call me Adam, he respects me and is
brilliant unlike you and Ross!!! Jake, I am here to
announce that I have officially signed to compete in the
FWF.
ROSS: Standing dropkick by Clampett, nicely executed!!!!
GREENE: I am here to teach lame ass wrestlers like "Poor"
Butch Clampett exactly how a TRUE PROFESSIONAL gets the job
GREENE: [con't] done.
SHADES: Great, someone has to get the bum out of here and
ship him back to the wellfare line where he belongs.
ROSS: Clampett goes to the top....he connects with a
moonsault!!! There the cover, 1...2NO!!!!!
ALVAREZ: It's going to take a little more than that to put
Frankie Casillas away.
GREENE: Yeah, doesn't that Clampett guy know that he and
his rat have no business being in professional wrestling??
ALVAREZ: Well, he is the NAWF World Champion...
GREENE: Yeah, and the only reason they keep him there is to
take care of their roach problem.
SHADES: I understand that he eats them while they're still
alive!!!
ROSS: That is digusting!!! Casillas with a scoop slam!!!
He runs to the ropes and hits him with an elbow!! He
covers him, 1..KICKOUT!!! Casillas lands near the caged
rat and he takes off for higher ground!!!
ALVAREZ: I don't blame him there.
GREENE: Leave it to a lowlife to have a rat as a pet.
SHADES: Don't make fun, that's Clampett's cousin!!
[Both laugh]
ROSS: Clampett runs to the outside. They start exchanging
blows. Clampett drags Casillas back to the ring.
ALVAREZ: Referee Danny Diaper stops the count at seven as
both me re-enter the ring!!
SHADES: This is getting boring!!!
GREENE: Maybe we should try tormenting Clampett's rat.
SHADES: Maybe if Clampett was wrestling his rat, it would
be more exciting.
ROSS: Clampett with a DDT!!!!!
ALVAREZ: This doesn't look good for Casillas...
ROSS: Clampett goes to the top.....SOMERSAULT PLANCHA!!!!!
ALVAREZ: WHAT AN AMAZING MANUEVER!!!
GREENE: I can do that.
SHADES: I am sure that no one knows how to do that move
better than a TRUE PROFESSIONAL.
ROSS: Clampett takes Casillas to the top.....TOP ROPE
POWERBOMB!!!! The cover, he hooks the leg, 1...2...3!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He got 'em!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, "Poor" Butch Clampett!!!!!!
GREENE: Well, it's time to go.
SHADES: Feel free to come back at any time.
ROSS: Please don't.
[Greene leaves.]
ALVAREZ: Thank God.
SHADES: Hey, that Adam Greene is a great guy, he is going
to go far here.
ROSS: Let's hope that means far away from us.
ALVAREZ: Yeah, really.
[The lights begin to flicker....suddenly A RED SPOTLIGHT
focuses in on the center of the ring....thick black smoke
rises up from no where.
ROSS: What is going on here?
[CUE-UP: "The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson. As the smoke
clears there stands Wayne Roberts. He wears a black trench
coat over a bare chest and jeans that are torn and faded.
His black leather boots have solid steel heels.]
ALVAREZ: An unusual entrance for Roberts...
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for a twenty minute time limit. Already in the
ring hailing from Miami, Florida. He weighs in at a slim,
trim, 263 lbs. Here is "The Fan Favor" Waynnnnnnnnneeeeeee
Rrrrrrrrrroooooooobbbbbbbbbeeeeerrrrrtttttttssss!!!!!!!!!!
[A small group of fans pop.]
[The lights dim. A key is heard turning in an ignition. A
reprise of "Rock n' Roll All Nite by Kiss is heard. CUE
UP: "Detroit Rock City" by Kiss. The sudden erruption of
guitars and drums are accompanied by sudden bursts of
fireworks. Grand Theft walks out. He is wearing red
tights with Grand theft on the right leg and CARJACK on the
seat of his pants.]
SHADES: Finally some decent music....
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Detroit, Michigan. He
weighs in at 236 lbs. This is
Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd
Tttttthhhhhhheeeeeefffffttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The crowd roars.]
ROSS: There's the bell. Roberts pounces on Grand Theft as
soon as he enters the ring. Roberts grabs Theft and sends
him for the ride.....there's a well placed dropkick!!
ALVAREZ: That sent Grand Theft staggering backwards.
ROSS: Roberts runs over and starts stomping away at Grand
Theft.
ALVAREZ: Look at the welts!!
SHADES: Are you sure those aren't tire tracks?
ROSS: Very funny. Roberts drops a leg across Grand Theft's
throat!!!
SHADES: I think he's going to start spewing motor oil.
ROSS: Roberts is not letting up one bit. He starts hitting
Grand Theft with lefts and rights. Roberts picks him up
and tosses him out of the ring.
ALVAREZ: The fans in the front row that were harassing
Golem earlier are yelling at Grand Theft.
ROSS: One of them spit on him, that's disgusting!!!!
SHADES: I bet Grand Theft insulted him first.
ROSS: I highly doubt that. Roberts jumps out of the ring.
Roberts brings Grand Theft over near the French
commentators.
ALVAREZ: Is now a good time to mention that this broadcast
is being seen in Europe, live via satelite?
ROSS: OH MY WORD!!!!! ROBERTS DOUBLE ARM DDT'D GRAND THEFT
ON ONE OVER THEIR MONITORS!!!!!! He took out the monitor
and table in one shot!!
SHADES: Grand Theft looks a little charred!!
ROSS: He just absorbed electricity, I just can't believe
it!!!
ALVAREZ: Roberts rolls him back in the ring and the poor
guys is still shaking from the jolt he took!!!
ROSS: Roberts climbs to the top rope and LUNGES
OFF....HE NAILS HIM WITH A CORKCSCREW PLANCHA 720
SPLASH...the cover, 1...2...3!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He got him!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, "The Fan Favor" Wayne
Roberts!!!!
[Roberts snatches the mic.]
WAYNE ROBERTS: CAN IT BE??? Two men...Two WARRIORS have
been DECIMATED in one night...WILL THERE BE MORE...
[The lights flicker and go out. When they come back on he
is gone.]
ROSS: Some may think he's odd, but he is your winner!!
[Grand Theft staggers to his feet. The three fans in the
front row hop the guard rail and jump into the ring.]
ALVAREZ: What is going on here???
SHADES: Looks like these three fans are looking to make the
FWF a bit more interactive.
[One of the men grab the mic. as the other two dump Grand
Theft out of the ring.]
[CUE UP: "Phenomenon" by LL Cool J.]
JOHNNY GUNNZ: Yo, I am "The Extreme" Johnny Gunnz and me
and my homeys "Redman" Raul Diaz, "Lord Terror" Abdulla
Blood are in this mutha to tell yall that the Newark
Assassins are here to bus' some ass!!!! Now if yall don't
mind, send in the jabronie so I can get to the bustin'!!!
["Redman" Raul Diaz and "Lord Terror" Abdulla Blood jump
out of the ring and stand in Gunnz' corner.]
KRAMER: [to Gunnz] Don't come here trying to do my job.
ALVAREZ: Looks like the Newark Assassins have made their
first enemy...
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for one fall and a twenty minute time limit.
Introducing first, already in the ring, hailing from
Elizabeth, New Jersey, weighing in at 275 lbs....this is
"The Extreme" Johnny Gunnz!!
ALVAREZ: Notice that Paul Kramer didn't give Johnny Gunnz
the booming introduction that we are growing accustomed to
hearing from him.
[CUE UP: "Guilty" by Gravity Kills. "The Human Demolition
Derby" Darren McMillan walks out. Lights in the form of
car decals shine in the aisle way. McMillan has a cleanly
shaven face with long blonde hair pulled back into a
ponytail. He has a scar running down his left cheek.
McMillan wears a pair of worn and tattered fatigues tucked
away inside of a pair of combat boots. McMillan is also
wearing a Charolette Hornets jersey. Upon seeing him, the
crowd pops.]
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Raleigh, North Carolina.
He weighs in at a slim and sleak 200 lbs.. This is "The
Human Demolition Derby" Darrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn
McMillllllllllaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROSS: McMillan has a few choice words for the Newark
Assassins standing on the outside. He enters the ring and
gives Gunnz a long stare. There's the bell and we are
underway!!
ALVAREZ: You are looking at the gaze of one fierce
competitor.
SHADES: And he is staring at the man who is the fastest
hubcap thief in all of Newark!!
ROSS: Stop!! Both men lock up. McMillan shoves Gunnz back
a few steps. Gunnz gets annoyed and he shoulders McMillan.
McMillan staggers back into the ropes. Gunnz with a chop
to the throat. [Fans: "Woo!!!!"] Gunnz grabs McMillan and
sends him for the ride...Diaz reaches in and trips McMillan.
ALVAREZ: And of course referee Danny Diaper did not see a
thing, as usual!!!
SHADES: What are you talking about? I didn't see anything
either....did I just miss something?
ALVAREZ: No, go back to sleep!!
ROSS: McMillan complains to Diaper to no avail. Gunnz
nails McMillan in the back of the head with a forearm shot.
SHADES: He dropped that punk like a sack of bricks!!
ROSS: Gunnz stands over McMillan and locks on a cobra
clutch.
ALVAREZ: Look at Blood and Diaz taunt McMillan from the
outside.
ROSS: Gunnz jumps up and strikes down on McMillan's lower
back.
ALVAREZ: McMillan may need to make a trip to the
chiropractor after this match.
SHADES: Gunnz better be careful that he doesn't snap
McMillan in half.
ROSS: Gunnz with a double underhook suplex, nicely
executed!!
ALVAREZ: That's a pinning combination!!
ROSS: The referee counts, 1...2..NO!!! Gunnz complains
about a slow count. Diaz hops up on the apron. Diaz is
trying to tell how to count to three.
SHADES: Some of these refs just don't know how.
ROSS: Gunnz grabs McMillan and drags him towards the
corner.....Blood jumps up and nails McMillan in the head
with a chair!!!
ALVAREZ: Diaper, turn around!!!
ROSS: McMillan is out cold!!! Gunnz covers him, the
referee turns around and counts, 1...2...3!!!!!
ALVAREZ: That was completely unfair!!! I can't believe
Diaper can be so blind!!!
SHADES: Easy there, Victor!! McMillan should be able to
handle shots like that being that he smashes up cars!!
ROSS: It was three on one all along and you just can't
overcome those odds.
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the
match...."The Extreme" Johnny Gunnz!!!!!!!!
ROSS: Fans, we have to take a quick commercial timeout,
stay with us.
[Ad for WAR's Civil WAR.]
ROSS: We're back and we are ready for our next match...
[CUE UP: "Who Da Pimp Now" by Lil' Kim. Joe Van Dame
starts to walk out. He is wearing a t-shirt that reads
"Joe 4:20 Just Smoked Your Ass."]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is
scheduled for one fall and a thirty minute time limit.
Making his way down the aisle, hailing from Reno, Nevada,
weighing in at 230 lbs. Here is "Mr. Tuesday Night"
Joeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Vannnnnnnnnnnnnn Dammmmeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
[Van Dame hops on the apron and points to himself with his
thumbs.]
SHADES: This man is the whole f'n show.
[CUE UP: "Shapes of Things" by The Jeff Healy Band. Jean
Rabesque walks out. The crowd gives him a huge ovation.]
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Montreal, Quebec. He
weighs in at 245 lbs. Here is Jeannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Rabbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeesssssssssssqqqqqqqqquuuuuueeeeeeee!!!!!!!
ROSS: This match should be a classic. The bell sounds and
we are underway. Rabesque and Van Dame circle.
ALVAREZ: Looks like Van Dame is challenging Rabesque to a
test of strength...
ROSS: They look like they'd be evenly matched in that
department. Neither man with an advantage.
ALVAREZ: Both of their faces are getting a bit red...
SHADES: Yeah, they look like they've been drinking.
ROSS: Van Dame pushes Rabesque back to the
ropes....Rabesque reverses it. He knees Van Dame in the
abdomen and applies an armringer!! Van Dame reaches out
and grabs the top rope...
ALVAREZ: Referee Sal Putz tells Rabesque to break the hold.
SHADES: Putz is counting....I am surprised he knows how. I
bet he graduated ahead of Danny Diaper in Referee School.
ROSS: Putz is a very intelligent referee, no doubt about
that. Van Dame rakes Rabesque's eyes!!! He sends him for
the ride....Rabesque ducks a clothesline.....Van Dame
connects with a spinning heel kick!!!
[Van Dame points at himself with his thumbs.]
SHADES: Yes, he is the whole f'n show!
ALVAREZ: He look quite proud of himself, but he better not
hotdog too much because a guy like Van Dame will make you
pay for it!!
ROSS: Rabesque springs to his feet. Van Dame turns around
and he is greeted by a SCOOP SLAM!!! Rabesque into the
ropes...diving headbutt!!!!!
ALVAREZ: A shot like that to the adbomen will have you
sucking air in a hurry.
SHADES: Or if you are Rabesque you suck regardless.
ROSS: Rabesque pulls Van Dame up.....PEDIGREE!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: That is the coup de grade for some wrestlers but
ALVAREZ: [con't] Rabesque to be just warming up.
SHADES: Coup de graaa, what is that some kind of French
Pastery? Victor, this is ESPN 2, not the Food Network!!!
ROSS: Rabesque with a knee across the throat of Van Dame!!!
Rabesque is going to the top....
ALVAREZ: High risk manuever coming up!!!
ROSS: Frog splash....NO HE MISSED!!!! Van Dame got out of
the way just in the neck of time!!! Van Dame rolls to the
outside and get a chair...
SHADES: Rabesque looks like he wishes he was on the French
Riviera....
ALVAREZ: He gets up slowly...
ROSS: VAN DAME-INATOR COMING.....NO!!!! RABESQUE DUCKS IT
AND BLASTS VAN DAME WITH THE CHAIR!!!!! THE COVER,
1...2...3!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Boy oh boy, what a great job at telegraphing that
move by Rabesque....
SHADES: He knocked him out with the chair, they should
disqualify him!!!!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, Jean Rabesque!!!!!!!
ROSS: Live by the chair, die by the chair...
ALVAREZ: That turns around fair play.
ROSS: Well fans, we are going to move right into our next
match.
ALVAREZ: This is going to be a good one too...
[CUE UP: "Stop Being Greedy" DMX as Venom walks out. The
crowd gives a mixed response. Images of snakes are
projected down the aisle.]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
schedule for one fall and a thirty minute time limit.
Making his way down the aisle, hailing from New York, New
York. He weighs in at 270 lbs. Here is
Veeeeeennnnnnnnnnnooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!
SHADES: Now there is a slimey character if I ever saw one.
[CUE UP: "Bad Company" by Bad Company. "Bad Company" Brian
Lawler walks out and the crowd errupts. Some fans even
sing along with the song.]
ROSS: This man is a hero every place he goes.
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Memphis, Tennessee. He
weighs in at 235 lbs. Ladies and gentlemen, this is "Bad
Company" Bbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Lawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwllllllleeeeeeeerrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The crowd cheers.]
SHADES: Do you guys know why they call him "Bad Company"?
ROSS: I am afraid to ask...why?
SHADES: Because if you invite him to your house for dinner,
he likes to blow his nose into the table cloth!!!
ROSS: I knew I shouldn't have asked.
ALVAREZ: You're right, you shouldn't have asked.
ROSS: The bell sounds and we are underway. Venom is
standing in the corner staring at Lawler.
ALVAREZ: He looks cold and calculating. I bet he is
analyzing Lawler looking for an opening to strike.
SHADES: Either that or he wants Lawler to make the first
move.
ROSS: Lawler does not look like he's going to get sucked
into Venom's game. He assumes a fighting posture and he is
waiting for Venom.
SHADES: Man, at this rate, we could be here all night!!
ROSS: Venom starts to circle Lawler. He does not take his
eyes off of him and you can just feel the intensity in this
arena building.
ALVAREZ: Lawler fakes like he is going to grab Venom, but
Venom isn't fooled.
ROSS: Both men together, lock arms!!! Collar and elbow
tie-up....Lawler gets a side headlock. Venom whips Lawler
into the ropes....they collide! NOTHING!!!
ALVAREZ: It was like the irrestible force meeting the
immovable object.
ROSS: Lawler gets a head of steam again....haymaker,
countered....back...forth!!!!
SHADES: That's what I want to see!!!!
ALVAREZ: We are off to the races.
ROSS: Like two prize fighters, they are tearing into each
other at a feverish pitch and the fans are loving every
minute of it!!! Venom whips Lawler to the ropes and
connects with a dropkick. Lawler jumps up and clotheslines
Venom. Venom jumps up and they lock arms again!!!!
ALVAREZ: Only in the FWF do you seeing competition like
this.
SHADES: Now if they could only both lose, I'd be happy.
ROSS: Lawler pushes Venom back into the ropes and Referee
William Bennett calls for a clean break. Lawler obliges.
Back in the center of the ring, they lock up for a third
time. Lawler goes for a suplex.....Venom blocks it. Venom
counters....Lawler blocks it. Lawler twists Venom
around....hangman's neckbreaker!!
ALVAREZ: For the first time in the match, someone has the
upperhand.
ROSS: Lawler reaches over and applies a reverse chinlock.
The referee checks to see if it is a choke and it is not.
ALVAREZ: This is a good strategy by Lawler....trying to
wear down Venom.
SHADES: A better strategy would be for him to choke Venom
out. Of course, Lawler is too much of a goody two-shoes
for that.
ROSS: Venom starts to fight his way back to his feet....He
elbows Lawler in the abdomen.....and again....a third time
breaks the hold.
ALVAREZ: Venom has the opening now, he needs to capitalize.
ROSS: Venom runs into the ropes and chops Lawler
downstairs. There's a chop to the throat!!! He sends
Lawler for the ride....SIDEWALK slam!!!!!
ALVAREZ: And that was a beauty!!
SHADES: Ah, it was average.
ROSS: Venom covers Lawler and barely gets a one count.
ALVAREZ: It's going to take a bit more than that to put
Lawler, the ring veteran, away.
ROSS: Both men back to their feet. Venom chops Lawler
across the chest and he executes a reverse DDT!! Venom
covers him and hooks the leg, 1...2..KICKOUT!!!
SHADES: The way that Venom is taking it to Lawler, I am
starting to like him a little.
ALVAREZ: I am sure that impressing you, Jake, was high on
his list of things to do.
ROSS: Both men back to their feet again....Lawler blocks a
chop by Venom.
ALVAREZ: I think he has had enough of that.
ROSS: Lawler shoves Venom back into the corner and unloads
with a flurry of fists!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Lawler looking a bit like Oscar De La Hoya!!
SHADES: And Venom feeling a bit like Jim Carrey...
ROSS: Lawler drags Venom diagonally across the ring and he
introduces Venom to the top turnbuckle!!!!
FANS: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHADES: The fans just proved that they made it through the
first grade. However, we won't hold the fact that it took
them six tries to get that far.
ALVAREZ: Is that because you're still trying?
ROSS: Venom falls down to the mat. Lawler climbs to the
second turnbuckle....flying elbow finds its mark. Lawler
with the cover, 1...2...3NO!!!! Referee William Bennett is
indicating that Venom put his foot on the bottom rope.
ALVAREZ: Lawler was close but no cigar.
SHADES: I hear that is why most of the FWF interns hate
Lawler!!!!
ROSS: Don't go there. Both men get up. Lawler with a
suplex...NO BLOCKED, SMALL PACKAGE BY VENOM,
1...2..REVERSAL...1...2REVERSAL....1...2...3!!!!! He got
him!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He did...OH MY GOD!!!!! The fans are applauding
both men's effort.
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match,
Venom!!!!!!!!
ROSS: Fans, don't go anywhere, we have lots more action to
come after this brief timeout.
[Ad for FWF's PPV.]
ROSS: Fans, we're back and we are ready for our next
match....
[CUE UP: "Unholy" by KISS. As the song kicks in
several pyrotechnics explode as "The Anti-Christ" Xavier
Osbourne walks down the aisle. He is wearing all black.]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for one fall and a thirty minute time limit.
Introducing first, making his way down the aisle from Death
Valley, Arizona, weighing in at 325 lbs. Here is "The
Anti-Christ" Xxxxxxxxxaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvviiiiieeeerrrrrrrrrrr
Osssssssssssbbbbbbbbbbbooooooooouuuuuurrrrrrrnnnneeeeeee!!!!
[The fans boo Osbourne.]
SHADES: There is something sooo evil about this guy, he's
cool.
[CUE UP: "Ultima Remix" by Origin. "The Child Prodigy"
Johnny Havens walks out. He is wearing a green, orange,
and yellow Jnco Shirt,and Black Boomer's.]
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Detroit, Michigan. He
weighs in at 257 lbs. Here is "The Child Prodigy"
Joooooohhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Haaaaaaaavvvveeeeeennnnnssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The crowd gives him a mixed response.]
ROSS: This match should be very interesting...
ALVAREZ: There is no love lost between these two.
ROSS: There's the bell. Havens pounces on Osbourne right
away!!! He gets Osbourne back in the corner....Havens up
on the second turnbuckle and he is just unleashing with
lefts and rights!!!
FANS: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10!!!!
ALVAREZ: Woe baby!!!! Havens came ready to fight!!!
SHADES: Yes he did.
ROSS: Havens grabs Osbourne by the head and he bulldogs
him!!!
SHADES: Osbourne would be seeing stars but since he's
Satanic, he's seeing tiny fireballs.
ROSS: He is most definately dazed!! Havens stomps away at
Osbourne and then drops a leg!!!
ALVAREZ: This kid is definately fighting with some
intensity.
ROSS: Havens rolls him over and covers him, 1...2NO!!!
ALVAREZ: Osbourne is not out of it just yet.
ROSS: Havens pulls Osbourne to his feet. Havens with a
front layout suplex!! The cover, 1...NO!!! Havens rolls
out of the ring.
ALVAREZ: Time to re-group....
SHADES: Time to have a beer and some smokes.
ROSS: Osbourne doesn't look like he needs to drink or smoke.
SHADES: Why not??? It might make him feel better!!
ROSS: Havens jumps to the outside as Referee Danny Diaper
restarts the count. Osbourne snatches a cup of coffee from
a ringside fan and dumps it on Havens!!
ALVAREZ: Man, he could have burned him!!!
SHADES: I bet he was hoping to do that.
ROSS: Osbourne whips Havens hard into the ringpost!!!
Wisely, he rolls in under the bottom rope and stops the
count.
ALVAREZ: He goes back out now. He's going to punish Havens
a bit more.
ROSS: Osbourne powerbombs Havens!!!! He grabs the steel
steps......HE CROWNS HAVENS!!!!
SHADES: There's your crown KING NOTHING!!!
ALVAREZ: Havens is going to have an Excedrin headache after
that shot!!
ROSS: Osbourne drags the lifeless Havens back into the
ring. Osbourne goes to climb the turnbuckles...
ALVAREZ: This could spell the beginning of the end.
ROSS: MISILE DROPKICK!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! OH MY
GOODNESS!!!! OSBOURNE INADVERTANTLY HIT REFEREE DANNY
DIAPER!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Looks like he got Diaper and Havens, who was
barely standing.
SHADES: That dumb referee was in the way. He had no
business being there!!!
ALVAREZ: For once I agree with you, Jake.
[A red spotlight shines at ringside. Black smoke rises up
as the lights go out. They come back on and the black
smoke disapates....Wayne Roberts stands in the red
spotlight. He has a wooden chair in his hands.]
ALVAREZ: Here comes trouble....
ROSS: Osbourne sees Roberts and walks towards him. Roberts
takes a swing with his chair.....Osbourne blocks it!!!
Roberts kicks Osbourne in the abdomen.....he nails Osbourne
with a devastating chairshot!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Havens is slowly getting up. Diaper is still on
dream street.
ROSS: Roberts picks Osbourne up and Double-arm DDT's
him!!!!! Havens sees Roberts and looks over joyed. He is
signalling that they are going to finish off Osbourne.
Havens and Roberts embrace. Roberts throws a knee into his
groin and DOUBLE ARM DDT'S HIM
ALVAREZ: That dirty rat!!!!!
SHADES: I love it!!!!
ROSS: He tosses HAVENS to the outside and climbs to the top
rope....CORKSCREW PLANCHA 720 SPLASH!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Can you believe it???
ROSS: Roberts deposits Havens back in the ring....Diaper is
coming to.
[The lights dim and Roberts disappears.]
SHADES: Someone give Diaper a quarter so he can go buy a
clue as to what just happened.
ROSS: Osbourne is showing a little sign of light as Diaper
starts to count.
ALVAREZ: Havens does not look like he'll wake up until next
week.
ROSS: Osbourne rolls over and his arm falls across Havens,
the referee counts, 1...2...3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: A very bizarre ending to this one.
KRAMER: The winner of the match, "The Anti-Christ" Xavier
Osbourne!!!!!!!!
ROSS: I bet both Havens and Osbourne are going to want some
revenge against Roberts for his actions tonight.
ALVAREZ: With everything he has done tonight, Roberts is
certainly not going to win any popularity contests in the
locker room.
SHADES: He'd get my vote.
ROSS: I'm sure yours would be the only vote.
ALVAREZ: Well, it looks like we are ready for our next
match....
[CUE UP: "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the
Heartbreakers. Henry Goldwire walks out as gold barbed
wire shines on the aisle.]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for one fall and a thirty minute time limit.
Introducing first from Phoenix, Arizona, weighing in at 283
lbs., here is Heeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Gooooooolllllllllldddddddddwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiirrrrreeeeee!!!!!!
[CUE UP: "Machinehead" by Bush. Berserker Dave runs out.
He jumps in the ring and starts running back and forth.
Paul Kramer jumps out of the ring looking for higher
ground.]
ROSS: Looks like Paul Kramer is going to skip Berserker
Dave'sintro.
SHADES: I don't blame Kramer, that man is a lunatic!!
ROSS: The bell sounds and we are underway. Collar and
elbow tie-up....Berserker Dave pulls Goldwire close and
starts nawing at his ear!!!
SHADES: Berserker Dave's idol is Mike Tyson.
ALVAREZ: Berserker Dave certainly has an unorthodox style.
ROSS: Referee Stu Fields warns Berserker Dave about the
biting. Both men lock up again....Goldwire manuevers into
a side headlock....He runs for a bulldog, but Berserker
Dave pushes him off into the corner....Goldwire bounces
back and Berserker Dave delivers a back body drop.
ALVAREZ: Good presence of mind by Berserker Dave.
ROSS: Berserker Dave gets a head of steam....and he
splashes onto Goldwire!!!!!
ALVAREZ: The fans are starting to get behind Berserker Dave.
SHADES: It figures these morons would back someone with the
same amount of intelligence they have.
ROSS: Goldwire gets up and he shoulder tackles Berserker
Dave in the abdomen!!! Goldwire with a powerbomb!!!!
SUNSET FLIP, 1...2.NO!!!!
ALVAREZ: Not a bad idea for Goldwire to try to end this
thing early.
ROSS: Goldwire still in control, he picks Berserker Dave up
and nails a brainbuster!!!
SHADES: That'll knock some sense into him!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Berserker Dave is yelling something at Goldwire,
let's see if we can pick it up on the house mic....
BERSERKER DAVE: [overheard on the house mic.] DU....DU
HAST....DU HAST MAESHHH!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Apparently, Berserker Dave like Rammstein.
ROSS: It is almost as if he enjoyed the brainbuster!!!
SHADES: Go figure. I didn't know such a moron would know
german either.
ROSS: Goldwire looks perplexed but he starts unleashing
with the fistacufs!!!
ALVAREZ: Berserker Dave is shifting backwards...
ROSS: Goldwire with a boot to the abdomen and a DDT!!!!
Goldwire rolls him up and hooks the leg, 1...2...3NO!!!!
So close!!
ALVAREZ: Berserker Dave barely kicks out at two and a
half...
SHADES: I think the only thing left to do is to shoot him!
ROSS: Goldwire picks him up...suplex...no, Berserker Dave
goes over the top...he pushes him into the ropes, school
boy, 1...2KICKOUT!!!!
SHADES: If Berserker Dave wasn't such a moron, he would
have pulled Goldwire's tights!!!
ROSS: Goldwire gets up and they are exchanging lefts and
rights!!! Goldwire send Berserker Dave for the ride!!! OH
NO, NOT AGAIN!!!! Berserker Dave inadvertantly collides
with the referee!!!!
SHADES: Why do these referees insist on getting in the way??
ROSS: Berserker Dave bends over to check on Referee Stu
Fields...
ALVAREZ: Uh oh, we've got company!!! Golem is coming down
to ringside....
ROSS: Is he after Berserker Dave or Henry Goldwire?
SHADES: Maybe he's concerned about Referee Stu Fields.
Berserker Dave might try to hurt him while he's unconscious.
ALVAREZ: I highly doubt that.
ROSS: Golem attacks Goldwire froom behind!!!! He slaps on
ROSS: [con't] the claw!!!!!
ALVAREZ: The referee is coming to. Berserker Dave spots
Golem and demands that he releases the hold!!!
SHADES: What an idiot, Golem was doing him a favor!!!
ROSS: They stare at each other for a moment and Golem
obliges. Golem chuckles and exits the ring. Berserker
Dave goes over and grabs the fallen Goldwire....THERE'S THE
LUNATIC DROP!!!!!!!!! He covers him, 1...2...3!!!!
SHADES: What a miscarriage of justice!!!
ALVAREZ: Since when do you care?
KRAMER: The winner of the match, Berserker Dave!!!!!!
SHADES: Since now!!!
ROSS: Golem climbs into the ring and he and Dave stare at
each other. Golem extends his hand. Will Berserker Dave
shake his hand?
[After Dave turns to the crowd, and gets a mixed reaction
as to what he should do. After a moment of hesitation, he
shakes Golem's hand. CUE UP: "Ghetto Freak Show" by the
Insane Clown Posse.]
ALVAREZ: Both men leave the ring and you can see, Berserker
Dave does not look like he trusts Golem one bit!!
SHADES: He should have decked Golem when he had the chance.
ALVAREZ: Weren't you just saying a minute ago that
Berserker Dave should be thankful that Golem helped him
out???
ROSS: Victor, don't even bother. Jake just likes causing
trouble. Fans we are going to pause now for a brief
commercial time out.
[Ad for WWWA's Acceleration.]
ROSS: Fans, we're back and we are ready for our next
bout....
[CUE UP: "Real Solution #9" by White Zombie. "The Dragon"
Michael Kerrigan walks out. SIGN READS: "The Dragon is
truly a WAR Machine." The crowd pops as he walks down the
aisle.]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for one fall and a thirty minute time limit.
Introducing first from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He weighs
in at 225 lbs. Here is "The Dragon"
Miiiiiiiiccccccchhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllll
Keeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiggggggggaaaaaaannnnn!!!!!!!!!!!
[The crowd pops.]
ALVAREZ: This man is like a national hero in Japan.
SHADES: Quick, someone warn Kerrigan that Tonya Harding is
in the arena!!!!!! She is still so mad about the Olympics
that she has vowed revenge on anyone named "Kerrigan!"
ROSS: Very funny.
[CUE UP: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. "The Boy Toy"
Beau Michaels walks out.]
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Sacramento, California. He
weighs in at 231 lbs. Introducing, "The Boy Toy"
Beeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuuuuuu
MMMMMMiiiiiiicccccccchhhhhhhhaaaaaaeeeeeeellllssssss!!!!!!!!
[Michaels enters the ring and dances around a bit. He does
and mini striptease.]
SHADES: If only Michaels was a girl...
ALVAREZ: [laughing] Are we seeing a different side of you,
Jake?
SHADES: Shut up!!
ROSS: There's the bell. Michaels makes a muscle and
challenges Kerrigan to a test of strength. Kerrigan
obliges. Kerrigan with the early advantage....low blow by
Michaels!!!!! Michaels pushes Kerrigan downward and then
stomps on his knuckles!!
ALVAREZ: That'll give you a bad attitude in a hurry.
ROSS: Michaels kicks Kerrigan and scoops him
up......shoulder breaker!!!! Michaels stops and poses for
the crowd. The crowd mostly boos in response.
ALVAREZ: He should be smarter than to showboat.
SHADES: Hey, I say when you got it, flaunt it!!!
ROSS: Michaels turns around AND KERRIGAN SURPRISES HIM WITH
A SMALL PACKAGE, 1...2..REVERSAL..1...2...3!!!!!!! He got
him!!!!
ALVAREZ: Just like that, it's over!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, "The Boy Toy" Beau
Michaels!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: That has got to be a major upset in the minds of a
lot of people.
ROSS: I for one, am shocked!!! Stay with us. [Ad for WWL]
ROSS: As you see during our extended commercial break, the
ring attendants have set up for our Circus Death Match.
This is going to be a first for the FWF and should prove to
be very exciting.
ALVAREZ: Allow me to go over the parameters of this match.
There is a metal platform suspended 15 feet above the ring.
Each end of the platform has a ladder which each
participant will climb at the beginning of the match to get
to the platform. Both men will fight on the platform until
one falls off. What will break their fall?? How about a
barbed wire net which replaces the bottom ring rope. When
a wrestler lands on the net, the ring attendants will cut
the barbed wire net thereby releasing the fallen wrestler.
The match then continues until a standard pinfall or
submission.
SHADES: I think I am going to enjoy this very much.
ROSS: This should be very exciting, let's go to Paul Kramer
for the introductions...
[CUE UP: "More Human than Human" by White Zombie. The
lights dim. Some Korean characters shine on the aisle. A
shadowy figure appears in the entrance way. The figure
pauses momentarily and then runs to the ring. As Paul
Kramer introduces him, he climbs the ladder up towards the
platform.]
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is
scheduled for one fall, with no time limit and Circus Death
Match rules in effect. Introducing first, hailing from
Seoul, South Korea, weighing in at 183 lbs., this is
Sssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
[Sage's face is painted completely black with green flames
around the eyes. He wears long black pants to the ring
with purple lightning going up the sides, black boots, and
black tape around his wrists.]
[CUE UP: "Hooker With a P*nis" by Tool. The lights dim
again. The aisleway is covered with Barney faces and lips.
Madonna Wayne Grossard appears in the entrance way. As he
walks down the aisle, many are shocked by his appearance.]
KRAMER: His opponent hails from Highland, Texas. He weighs
in at 242 lbs. Here is
Maaaaaaaaaddddddddddddooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee
Grrrrrrroooooooosssssssssssaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrdddddddd!!!!!!!
[Madonna Wayne Grossard is wearing a Pink mini skirt, a
black "Letourneau 4:69-"I just f'd your Kid" T-shirt,
airwalks, distorted mascara, red lipstick, and other poorly
applied vanity products. He has one pink contact lens, and
one black contact lens. His hair is dyed blonde. The WAR
World Title is prominantly displayed on his right shoulder.
He hands the belt to an attendant and then walks up the
ladder. On the way up, he adjusts his skirt as if he is
concerned about revealing too much.]
ROSS: You can take the intensity in the air and cut it with
a knife.
ALVAREZ: This is going to be awesome.
SHADES: I hope both of these guys paid off their life
insurance.
ROSS: The bell sounds and here we go!!!!! Collar and elbow
tie up. Grossard put in a side headlock by Sage....He
picks up Sage and drops him across his knee.
ALVAREZ: I must say that the barbed wire net gives me the
creeps.
SHADES: You're not kidding.
ROSS: I'd say that the feeling is unanimous. Sage rolls
away and gets up. He dropkicks Grossard right in the
kisser.
ALVAREZ: Grossard is dangerously close to the edge of the
platform.
ROSS: Grossard gets up to his feet. Sage with a SPINNING
HEEL KICK AND THERE GOES GROSSARD!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Ouch!!!!! That has got to be like falling on a
bed of nails!!!
ROSS: Sage does a 360 splash from the platform!!!!!!!! OH
MY!!!!!! BOTH MEN ARE ENTANGLED IN THE BARBED WIRE AS THE
ATTENDANTS FEVERISH CUT AWAY AT THE BARBED WIRE!!!!
SHADES: If either of these men ever thought about donating
blood, now might be a good time!!!
ROSS: The attendants have finished cutting the barbed wire.
Sage stands Grossard up and he gets him with a leaping
Frankensteiner!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: These guys are definately going to be sore
tomorrow.
ROSS: Sage is ascending the turnbuckles....SOMERSAULT
LEGDROP!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: That was a beauty!!!!
ROSS: Grossard could be out of this already. Sage covers,
referee William Bennett counts, 1..KICKOUT WITH
AUTHORITY!!!!!!
SHADES: Not so fast there, Sage.
ROSS: Grossard gets up and nails Sage with a crotch-bomb!!
SHADES: That is my favorite wrestling move.
ALVAREZ: It would be...
ROSS: Sage is doubled over in pain. Grossard charges and
connects with a devastating knee-lift!!!!
ALVAREZ: Grossard is bleeding profusely!!
SHADES: He's going to be seeing pink elephants soon.
ROSS: Grossard climbs the turnbuckles......MONEY SHOT!!!!
ALVAREZ: That was nothing but pure impact!!
ROSS: Sage has got a nasty cut down his back. Grossard
looks a bit dazed but he covers Sage and doesn't even get a
one count!!!!
ALVAREZ: How much punishment can these two take???
ROSS: Sage is up and he DDT's Grossard!!!!!
SHADES: Grossard's make-up is starting to run, I hate it
when that happens!!
ALVAREZ: Like when you play dress up and hangout in those
ALVAREZ: [con't] bars that sailors go to?
SHADES: Shhh!!!! I don't do that kind of thing.
ALVAREZ: [laughs] I heard you do in the East Village.
ROSS: SAGE RUNS TO THE ROPES.....ARABIAN PRESS!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Here comes Madonna Wayne Grossard's "valet", Tim.
SHADES: What is he bringing me some refreshments? He's got
a cardboard tray filled with cups of coffee. Tim, you
shouldn't have!!!
[Tim ignores Shades and places the tray on the steel steps.]
ROSS: Grossard is stumbling to his feet and Sage is heading
to the top again.....HURICARANA BY SAGE!!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: That was a nasty spill for Grossard!!!!
SHADES: I don't think any of the spills in this match have
been particularly pretty.
ROSS: Sage with the cover, 1...2...3!!!!!! No, wait!!!!!
Grossard just barely got his shoulder up!!!!
ALVAREZ: I can't believe it!!!
SHADES: This is starting to get as gorey as the "Texas
Chainsaw Massacre!!!"
ROSS: Sage is going to the outside....he's getting a
table!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Just when you thought this match was EXTREME
enough.
ROSS: Sage sets up the table in the ring. Grossard comes
over.....he grabs Sage....powerbomb, NO
REVERSAL....HURICARANA!!!!!!!!!! Sage lays Grossard out on
the table with the huricarana but the table does not break!!
ALVAREZ: Look at this!!! Sage is climbing up to the
platform!!!
SHADES: IS HE CRAZY??????????
ROSS: Looks down at Grossard......SHOOTING STAR PRESS...NO
WAIT, GROSSARD MOVED!!!!!! GROSSARD MOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
SHADES: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!
ROSS: Grossard grabs Sage.....he's taking him to the top
turnbuckle....
ALVAREZ: Tim just put the tray of coffee in the ring!!!
ROSS: SUPERBOMB BY GROSSARD!!!!!!! HE THREW HIM RIGHT ON
THAT TRAY OF COFFEE!!!!!!!!! HE COVERS HIM, 1...2...3!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: HE GOT HIM!!!!!!!!
ROSS: THIS PLACE IS GOING CRAZY!!!!!
KRAMER: THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD!!!!
[CUE UP: "Closing Time" by Semisonic.]
ROSS: The main event is next, stay tuned!!!! [Ad FWF PPV]
ROSS: We're back and it's time for the main event....
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is our main
event for this evening. It is scheduled for one fall and a
sixty minute time limit.....
[CUE UP: "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. Pop Culture's
Superhero walks out. Pepsi logos shine down the aisle.
PCS comes out to the ring wearing black boots, black
wrestling tights with Pepsi logos on them. He has redish
hair that's cut semishort, and he is also wearing Ray Ban
glasses.]
KRAMER: Making his way down the aisle, hailing from Los
Angeles, California....he weighs in at 255 lbs. Here is
Pooooooooooooooppppppppppppppppppp
Cuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllttttttttttuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeeee's
Suuuuuuupppppppppppeerrrrrrhhhhheeeeeeeerrrrroooooo!!!!!!!!
[The crowd gives him a mixed response.]
KRAMER: And his opponent....
[CUE UP: An instrumental version of "Nobody's Fault" by
Aerosmith. Helix walks out. Helix wears a trenchcoat
over a bare chest and baggy jeans. He also wears big,
black boots. He has two tattoos on his chest. One of a
yin-yang and one of the letter H. He also has a barbed
wire tattoo wrapped around his right arm. His hair is
pulled back into a ponytail.]
ROSS: What is going on????? The Lost Hanson and the Five
Gangbangers have come out of nowhere!!!!! They are
attacking Helix!!!
ALVAREZ: PCS set him up!!!
SHADES: What a brilliant move!!!
[PCS looks confused.]
ROSS: Here come "The Human Demolition Derby" Darren
McMillan and Sage to make the save!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: I am surprised that Sage can walk after the war he
was just through!!!!
ROSS: Sage blasts some of the Gangbangers with his
singapore cane!!!!! Here comes security!!!!!!! They are
dragging the Lost Hanson and the Five Gangbangers out of
here!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Sage and McMillan help Helix to the ring.
SHADES: Awww, how sweet of them!!!
ROSS: It's like throwing Helix to a hungry lion. PCS jumps
on Helix as soon as he gets in the ring. He is stomping
away at him as if he is some kind of insect that he is
trying to kill!!!!! PCS drapes Helix's throat across the
bottom rope and chokes him with it!!!!
ALVAREZ: I'm sure that his sponsors will be happy to know
that he fights cleanly.
ROSS: PCS gets a head of steam....he jumps on Helix!!!
SHADES: He might snap Helix's neck!!!
ROSS: PCS pulls Helix up by the hair.....running
powerslam!!!!!!!!!
SHADES: Put a fork in him, he's done!!
ROSS: The cover, 1...2.NO!!!! Helix kicks out!! PCS
applies a sleeperhold!!!
ALVAREZ: This could spell the beginning of the end now.
ROSS: Helix is fighting it!!!! Helix gets up to a
knee.....he's up to his feet....he charges backwards into a
corner to break the hold!!!!!! Helix climbs up on the
second turnbuckle and smacks PCS a few times!!!!
ALVAREZ: Just when we thought the match was over, Helix
appears to be getting a second wind!!!!
ROSS: Helix monkeyflips PCS out of the corner....he hops on
the turnbuckles and executes a MOONSAULT!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
SHADES: Easy there, it was only a moonsault!
ROSS: Helix applies a bow and arrow submission!!!
ALVAREZ: You can see the pain written all over PCS' face.
ROSS: Helix releases the hold and drives a knee to PCS'
back!!!!!! HE SLAPS ON THE STF!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Looks like PCS is tapping!!!
ROSS: Referee Sal Putz is calling for the bell....
[Helix releases the hold and snatches the mic. from Paul
Kramer.]
HELIX: You DARED to CHALLENGE the moves of Helix? There's
one! Two to go!
ROSS: Helix slaps on a camel clutch!!!!! PCS is tapping
out again!!!!
ALVAREZ: Looks like Helix is getting pay back for the way
that PCS put down his submission moves.
[Helix releases the hold and grabs the mic. again.]
HELIX: Two down! And last, but certainly not least, the
HELIX CHOKE HOLD!
[Crowd cheers.]
ROSS: Helix with the HELIX CHOKE!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: I think he has made his point as we see PCS
tapping out again.
SHADES: The man is turning blue, he looks like a smurf!!!!
ROSS: Security is coming in now to break things up. Your
winner is Helix and tonight he has really made a
statement!!!! Fans, stay with us, after this commercial
break the FWF Front Office have a special announcement...
[Ad for WAR's Civil WAR.]
ROSS: Fans, we're back. Let's head to the ring for a
special announcement....
KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing at this time, the
President of the Frotier Wrestling Federation...Joe LeBron.
He is accompanied by Vice Presidents Scott Malec and Eddie
McCann.
[CUE UP: "Theme to 'The Good, the Bad, the Ugly" as the
three men head to the ring.]
SHADES: "The Good, the Bad, the Ugly"....who's who?
JOE LEBRON: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for coming this
evening. As a conclusion of tonight's event, myself and my
colleagues would like to acknowledge the men who are going
to vye for the National Title. These men have really
fought hard to earn this honor, please join me in
applauding their efforts. Here they are: "The Boy Toy"
Beau Michaels..... [Michaels walks the ring and dances.]
Berserker Dave..... [Berserker Dave comes out looking
happy.] Madonna Wayne Grossard...... [Grossard comes out.
He appears to be eyeing Michaels.] Helix...... [Helix comes
out. He gives the men in the ring dirty looks.] And
finally, "The Anti-Christ" Xavier Osbourne!!!!!! [Osbourne
comes to the ring. He enters and gives the other wrestlers
the finger. Helix jumps him and in a few seconds a brawl
errupts.]
ROSS: WE HAVE PANDAMONIUM!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!!!! Fans, we
are out of time.....thank you for joining us!!!! For Jake
Shades and Victor Alvarez, I am Tony Ross....thank you for
joining us....goodnight!!!!!
[CUE UP: "Black" by Sevendust. CUT TO: Highlights from the
event. FADE OUT.]
@1998 FRONTIER WRESTLING FEDERATION
AN EDDIE MCCANN PRODUCTION
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED