United Center - Promoters: Malec, LeBron, McCann
[A caption appears: "The following is a feature presentation."]
[FADE IN: The setting is a tall mountain. The camera pans from the base of the mountain upward until it finds a man climbing. The man seems to be stuggling up as sweat is pouring down his face. He pulls himself higher and higher until he finally reaches the submit. The man takes a stake with a blue flag on it and drives it into the ground. He raises his arms in victory. The camera zooms in on the flag, it reads "FWF". There is sudden sound of people cheering. FADE OUT.]
[FADE IN: The camera pans a sold out United Center. The audience is cheering enthusiastically. CUE UP: "King of the Mountain" by Kiss.]
PAUL STANLEY: Come on I'm gonna climb the mountain I'm gonna hit the top I wanna go where nobody's ever been I'm never gonna stop I'm gonna reign, I'm gonna shine I'm gonna beat the ground I'm gonna shoot through the night like a shot gun I'm gonna get on down, I wanna get on down
[CUT TO CLIPS OF: Helix making Pop Culture's Superhero tap out; Madonna Wayne Grossard fighting Sage in the Circus Death Match.]
PAUL STANLEY: I'm the king of the mountain, I'm the king of the mountain Listen, don't try to save my soul from destruction I'm never gonna fall Don't try to give me a piece of the action I'm gonna take it all All the kings horses, all the kings men We're gettin' crazy again and again Make up your mind, it's time we get goin' We're gonna get on down, we're gonna get on down
[CUT TO CLIPS OF: Berserker Dave battling Henry Goldwire; "Boy Toy" Beau Michaels dancing in the center of the ring; "The Anti-Christ" Xavier Osbourne eating raw meat.]
PAUL STANLEY: I'm the king of the mountain, I'm the king of the mountain I'm the king of the mountain, I'm the king of the mountain Yeah, now Oh, yeah, king of the mountain Say it, king of the mountain I'm the king of the mountain, I'm the king of the mountain, yeah I'm the king of the mountain And the winner takes it all, let's go, let's go, let's go
[A ball of fire appears in the middle of the screen and explodes. The words "FWF Conquest" shoot out of the center of it. The camera pans the arena again and zooms in on the announcer's table where Tony Ross, Victor Alvarez and Jake Shades are seated.]
TONY ROSS: Welcome everyone to the FWF's first pay-per-view ever!!!! I am Tony Ross along with Victor Alvarez...
VICTOR ALVAREZ: Hello...
TONY ROSS: ...and Jake Shades....
JAKE SHADES: Please...the pleasure is all yours...
ROSS: Tonight history is going to be made as all of the champions in the FWF will be crowned. That will be a bit later on. Fans, let's not waste any time and let's go to
ROSS: [con't] Paul Kramer...
PAUL KRAMER: Ladies and Gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall. [CUE UP: "Unforgiven" by Metallica] Introducing first, weighing in at 201 pounds, he hails from Chicago, Illinois, here is Billy Matthews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Billy Matthews walks out. He has shoulder length brown hair with brown eyes. He is wearing an Offspring T-Shirt and jean shorts. The crowd gives him a mixed response.]
KRAMER: ...and his opponent, [CUE UP: "Born 2 Die" by M' F 1] weighing in at 273 pounds, and hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this is "Too Brutal" Matt Wilson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Matt Wilson makes his way to the ring. He is wearing olympic style tights which are a blood red and written all over them says '2 BRUTAL' all over in hot neon orange. He has a faded beard and a faded dirty blonde hair cut.]
ROSS: There's the bell....
SHADES: Gee, Matthews looks like a ray of sunshine.
ROSS: I believe he is just an intense competitor. Billy Matthews with a short jab to Matt Wilson's chest. Matthews goes to the ropes, flying lariat takes Wilson down!! Cover by Matthews, Wilson breaks it before the one count. Billy Matthews helps Wilson back to his feet the hard way!!
ALVAREZ: Matthews is trying make a good impression on the front office by going for the quick win.
SHADES: It impressed me...
ALVAREZ: It's too early for that.
ROSS: Matthews goes up top, missle dropkick!! Matthews slowly moving to his feet! The crowd has started a Matthews sucks chant. Billy Matthews goes for the cover, 1...2..NO!!!!
ALVAREZ: Matt Wilson kicks out just in the nick of time!!!
SHADES: These humanoids don't know talent when they see it!!
ROSS: Billy Matthews stomps the stomach of Matt Wilson!!!
SHADES: Wilson might end up losing his lunch...
ALVAREZ: It's really hard to fight guys like Billy Matthews because you just get the feeling that he doesn't care about anything or anyone.
ROSS: Wilson moves back to his feet...they lock-up. Wilson sends Matthews to the ropes....Backdrop!!!! Matthews get pulled to his feet by Wilson. Wilson connects with lefts and rights to Matthews's face.
SHADES: Wilson is beating on Matthews like he stole something!!!
ROSS: Matthews drops down to one knee, DDT by Wilson!!!!! He picks him back up...Looks like Wilson is going for a DDT, no rolls him over, neck breaker!
SHADES: All I can say is TOO BRUTAL...
ALVAREZ: Jake, I thought you liked Billy Matthews??
SHADES: I like whoever wins!!
ROSS: Billy Matthews staggers back to his feet....He grabs Wilson and chokes over the top rope!!!!!
ALVAREZ: OH MY!!!!! Matthews snaps the rope and sends Wilson to the mat!!!!!!!
SHADES: I thought his head was going to pop off like an old rag doll!!!
ROSS: Matthews stomps on Wilson!!! Matthews pulls him up...Matthews rakes the back of Wilson!!!!!
ALVAREZ: Look at the marks that left!!
ROSS: Matthews goes to the ropes, flying lariat takes Wilson down hard!!!
SHADES: Unbelievable!!!!
ROSS: Wilson slowly moving to his feet....Wilson gets his bearings and whips Matthews to the ropes, and a spinning elbow takes him down!!!!
ALVAREZ: This Wilson has a lot of fight in him.
ROSS: Matthews quickly moves back to his feet....They lock up, Matthews with a nice hammerlock suplex, both men are down. Matthews slowly moving to his feet! Matthews with a kick to the head of Wilson!
SHADES: That kind of gives me World Cup fever all over again...
ROSS: Wilson gets up gingerly, he sends Matthews to turnbuckle...Follows up with a clothesline, and a knee to the stomach! Wilson with a stomp to the back of Matthews...Wilson measures up Matthews, falling fist! Wilson gets up quickly....and he kicks Matthews in the abdomen!!! Cover by Wilson, 1...2..Danny Diaper is pointing to the ropes, Matthews has his foot on the bottom rope.
ALVAREZ: Smart move by Matthews knowing exactly where he is at all times...
ROSS: Wilson climbs on top of him and is pounding his face! He's nailing him with lefts and rights!!!!
SHADES: If he starts biting his ear, I'm leaving!!
ROSS: Matthews pushes Wilson off of him and gets up. He grabs Wilson and slams him!!!! Matthews pulls him up by the hair...Matthews nails Wilson with a REVERSE DDT!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: This does not look good for Wilson....
ROSS: Matthews climbs the turnbuckles.....SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!!!! Matthews goes for the cover, 1...2...3!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He got him!!!!
KRAMER: Here is your winner, Billy Matthews!!!
ROSS: What an impressive showing by both newcomers!!!
SHADES: Aw, please...I knew Billy Matthews was going to win all along!!
ALVAREZ: Right. ROSS: What a great way to kick off the FWF being on pay-per-view.
ALVAREZ: You couldn't ask for more excitement.
SHADES: Well, you could...but then you'd need to get slapped!!!
ROSS: Fans, the excitement just keep on coming...let's go to Paul Kramer for the introductions for the next match...
KRAMER: This next match is a scheduled for one fall [CUE UP: "Guilty" by Gravity Kills] ...Coming down the aisle, weighing 200 pounds, hailing from Raleigh, North Carolina...here is "The Human Demolition Derby" Darren McMillan!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Darren McMillan walks out. McMillan has a cleanly shaven face with long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. He has a scar running down his left cheek. McMillan is wearing a pair of worn, tattered fatigues tucked away inside of a pair of combat boots and a Charolette Hornets jersey.]
KRAMER: And his opponent, [CUE UP: "Who Da Pimp Now" by Lil' Kim] from Reno, Nevada, weighing in at 230 pounds, here is "Mr. Tuesday Night" Joe Van Dame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Joe Van Dame walks out. He is wearing a T-shirt that reads "Joe 4:20 justsmoked your a**"]
ROSS: There's the bell. Kick to the stomach by McMillan sends Van Dame down! Quick cover by McMillan, Van Dame kicks out before the one count! McMillan with the hair of Van Dame.
ALVAREZ: Looks like he's setting him up for something...Oh, Big timePiledriver!! Joe Van Dame climbing back to his feet, McMillan movesin...Vertical Suplex!!!! McMillan out of no where with a corkscrew-hurricanrana!!!! Van Dame went down quick!!!
SHADES: McMillan can't treat him like that....he's the whole f'n show!!!
ROSS: Cover by McMillan, 1...KICK OUT!!!!! Quick kick out by Van Dame. Van Dame moving to his feet...McMillan kicks him back down...Van Dame is out cold!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He is really taking it to Van Dame.
ROSS: McMillan with a roll up. Stu Fields counts, 1...2..NO!!!!!! Kick out!! McMillan with a lateral press Stu Fields counts again, 1...2..NO!!!!!
SHADES: That had to be two and seven eights!!
ROSS: McMillan is trying to pull Van Dame back to his feet. Van Dame with an eye gouge!! Down goes McMillan!
ALVAREZ: We have not been seeing much offense from Van Dame thus far.
ROSS: Pinning combination by Van Dame, 1...2.McMillan grabs onto the ropes! He almost had him!!!! McMillan is stumbling. McMillan climbing back to his feet, Van Dame moves in... Vertical Suplex!!!!!
ALVAREZ: McMillan hops back to his feet...set up for a neckbreaker,McMillan pulls it off and drops Van Dame like yesterdays newspaper!!!!!
SHADES: Darren McMillan is trying to apply a figure-four!!
ROSS: Van Dame blocks it with a swift kick!!!! McMillan collides with the turnbuckle and stumbles backwards...SMALL PACKAGE, 1...2..McMillan kicks out!!!!
ALVAREZ: Yeah, that was about two and nine tenths counts.
ROSS: McMillan moving back to his feet Van Dame scoops him up and slams himto the ground!!! McMillan is dazed!! Van Dame pulls him up....set up for a neckbreaker...
ALVAREZ: ...executed to perfection!!
ROSS: McMillan hops back to his feet. McMillan takes Van Dame off his feet with a drop kick to the chin! McMillan is trying to pull Joe Van Dame back to his feet. Van Dame with an eye gouge!! DDT!!!! Cover by Van Dame, 1...2...Stu Fields is pointing to the ropes...McMillan has his foot on the ropes!!!
SHADES: I thought Van Dame had him!!!
ROSS: Van Dame picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face!!!
ALVAREZ: That had to hurt. Darren McMillan needs to try for a comeback!
ROSS: McMillan hops back to his feet. McMillan scoops him up fall away slam!!! Quick cover by Darren McMillan, 1...2.KICK OUT!!!
ALVAREZ: Boston crab being applied by McMillan...all he has to do is turn him over.
SHADES: He may have him with that..NO!! Van Dame got out of that at the last second!!!!! I was almost worried there for a second!!
ROSS: Van Dame lunging towards McMillan and knocking off his feet!! Desperation manuever by Van Dame!! Van Dame measures him up...elbow smash!!!! Van Dame stomping away at the chest of McMillan!!! Van Dame props McMillan up in to corner...he gets a head of steam...VANDAMENATOR!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He covers him, 1...2...3!!!!!!!
ROSS: He got him!!
SHADES: Yes!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, "Mr. Tuesday Night" Joe Van Dame!!!!
SHADES: I had my money on Van Dame all along!!
ROSS: I think what we just witnessed was an upset in many people's eyes.
ALVAREZ: I'd have to agree with you there
ROSS: Sit tight, when we return from the following promo, "The Fan Flava" Wayne Roberts will be taking on Michael "The Dragon" Kerrigan...
[PROMO for the FWF Tag Team Title Battle Royal later tonight.]
ROSS: That exciting bout will be coming up a little bit later on tonight. Let's go to the ring...
KRAMER: This next match is a scheduled for one fall...[CUE UP: "Real Solution #9" by White Zombie] Introducing first, hailing from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 225 pounds, here is Michael "The Dragon" Kerrigan!!!!!!!!!!!
[Michael Kerrigan walks out. He is wearing basic black wrestling tights with red trim and a red dragon on the left leg. 'WAR' is written on the left leg in white.]
KRAMER: And his opponent, [CUE UP: "The Dope Show" by Marylin Manson] from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 263 pounds, here is "The Fan Flava" Wayne Roberts!!!!!!!!!!
[Wayne Roberts walks out towards the ring. He has lots of scars all over body including a large one is over his left eye. A tattoo on his left arm reads 'ONLY I CAN BE TRUE AND SELF EVIDENT' and below it is a bald eagle with bloody talons and an open beak]
ROSS: There's the bell and we are underway. Repeated chops to the chest by Kerrigan, down goes Wayne Roberts.
FANS: Wooooo!!!!!!!!!
SHADES: I hope both of these guys kill each other.
ROSS: Kerrigan continues the attack with a series of knife edge chops. Welts are forming on Roberts's chest!!! Kerrigan with a snapmare take down into a reverse chinlock.
ALVAREZ: Wayne Roberts is starting off a bit slow tonight.
ROSS: Roberts inches his way back to his feet, he elbows Kerrigan in the stomach....a second time breaks the hold. Kick to the gut knocks Kerrigan off balance. Roberts follows up with a running knee lift to take him down!!
ALVAREZ: Now he is showing signs of life!!
ROSS: Kerrigan hops back to his feet. Kerrigan sends Roberts into the ropes and follows in with a clothsline!!! Roberts is ROCKED with a big elbow!!!!!
SHADES: Roberts is walking around like a drunken Pandorian!!!
ROSS: Roberts sure could use a chance to regroup. Kerrigan dives on to Roberts and applies a headlock. He's pounding away at the forehead of Roberts!!!
ALVAREZ: Goodness gracious!!!
ROSS: Cover by Kerrigan, 1...KICK OUT!!!!
ALVAREZ: Wayne Roberts kicked out with authority!!
SHADES: This is boring, I think it's time for a power nap... ALVAREZ: Stop it!!
ROSS: Kerrigan comes down across the back of Wayne Roberts with a double axe handle!! Wayne Roberts just can't make it to his feet! Quick cover by Kerrigan and Roberts kicks out before the one count!!!
ALVAREZ: There still a lot of fight left in him.
ROSS: Both men are up. They lock up...Kerrigan going for a suplex...Roberts blocks it...Kerrigan trys again...Blocked...Roberts with a suplex of his own!!
ROSS: [con't] Roberts scoops him up and slams him to the ground!!
ALVAREZ: Nice move by Roberts.
SHADES: Michael Kerrigan is stumbling around and now he reminds me of one of Scott Malec's dates!!
ALVAREZ: And what is that supposed to mean?
SHADES: Ever see his lady friends???
ALVAREZ: No...
SHADES: Most of them are drunk before the date even starts!!
ROSS: I hope Malec is not listening to us, because Jake may soon be unemployed. A Knee to the stomach sends Michael Kerrigan to the mat!
ALVAREZ: Malec is going to be fuming when he sees this telecast.
SHADES: Good, I still owe him a beating!!
ROSS: Kerrigan gets up slowly...Roberts locks on a sleeper!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He's got it locked on in the center of the ring!! Sal Putz is checking Kerrigan's arm. It goes down once...
ROSS: Twice! ....Three times!! Putz calls for the bell...
KRAMER: The winner of the match..."The Fan Flava" Wayne Roberts!!!!
ALVAREZ: What a big win for Wayne Roberts, here tonight!!!
ROSS: I think we can honestly say that this man is going places....
SHADES: I hope it is far away...
ALVAREZ: Will you follow him?
SHADES: Not on your life....my job is to stay here and torment the two of you...
ROSS: And you do that quite well!! Anyways, we are ready for the start of our next match...
KRAMER: The following contest is a scheduled for one fall...[CUE UP: "Necrophobic" by Slayer] Making his way down the aisle, weighing 365 pounds, from Brooklyn, New York, here is "Triple 6 Psycho" Reign Chancellor!!!!!!!!!!!
[Reign Chancellor makes his way to the ring. He is wearing cut-off blue shorts and a t-shirt. He has a black goatee, shoulder length black hair and a shrunken head tattoo on upper left arm and a reaper holding back a hell hound on his right arm. He has many scars on his back from fighting in extreme matches.]
KRAMER: - And his opponent, [CUE UP: "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie]from Seoul, South Korea, weighing in at 198 pounds, here is Sage!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Sage walks to the ring. He's a small slightly built Korean man. He has long black hair back in a ponytail. His entire upper body is covered in scars. His face is painted completely black with green flames around the eyes. He is wearing long black pants to the ring with purple lightning going up the sides, black boots, and black tape around his wrists.]
ROSS: The bell sounds and we are underway. Collar and elbow tie-up...Knee lift by Sage takes Chancellor to the ground.
ALVAREZ: This is going to be an interesting match of size vs. speed.
SHADES: Ah, Reign Chancellor is going to flatten this guy like a bug!!
ROSS: Sage runs to the ropes....he connects with a springboard legdrop!!!
ALVAREZ: The big man looks stunned.
ROSS: Sage is climbing the turnbuckles....Senton Splash, NO!!!!!! Chancellor moved out of the way.
SHADES: You gotta love it, he was playing possum!!
ROSS: Chancellor walks over and grabs Sage by the hair....there's a vicious headbutt!!!! Chancellor with a closed fist to the breadbasket!! Chancellor scoops him up...and slams him down hard!!! Chancellor splashes Sage...
ALVAREZ: And for some reason, I just had a mental picture of a Satanic Shamu!!
ROSS: Chancellor with the lateral press, William Bennett counts, 1...2.NO!!! Somehow, Sage managed to kickout.
SHADES: Victor, I am going to tell Reign Chancellor what you said before.
ALVAREZ: Oh, I am real scared!!
SHADES: You should be. So far, he is manhandling Sage, imagine what he'll do to your 155 pound body!!
ALVAREZ: I think he has more important things to worry about.
ROSS: Settle down, guys. Chancellor with a hangman's neckbreaker!!! He nonchalantly covers Sage again, 1...2...3NO!!!! Sage got the shoulder up that time.
ALVAREZ: He just barely escaped getting pinned.
ROSS: Both men get up...they lock up...armdrag takedown by Reign Chancellor. Chancellor slaps on an armbar.
SHADES: I think he's just toying with Sage now.
ALVAREZ: I wouldn't count Sage out just yet, if I were you.
ROSS: Sage spins himself around and escapes the hold.
SHADES: Hey, I didn't know that they knew breakdancing in Korea!!
ROSS: Sage runs to the ropes.....springboard moonsault..CHANCELLOR DUCKS IT!!!! Chancellor starts striking down on Sage's back!!!
SHADES: I bet Reign Chancellor would make a great chiropractor.
ROSS: Chancellor picks Sage up....bodyslam,NO!!!!! SMALL PACKAGE BY SAGE!!!!! 1...2...3!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALVAREZ: He got him!!! He pulled that move out of nowhere!!!!
KRAMER: The winner of the match, Sage!!!!!!
ROSS: Just when you think you have Sage down and out, the man comes back and surprises you!!!
SHADES: I think he cheated.
ALVAREZ: How?
SHADES: I don't know how, but I still think he cheated. I mean Reign Chancellor had him beat!!
ROSS: Fans, we have to take a brief time out, stay with us.
[Ad for FWF Superstar Action figures.]
(Our cameras fade back to the United Center Arena, more specifically to the "Triple Threat Team" of Ross, Alvarez and Shades.......)
ALVAREZ: I tell you, there's something about a PPV that makes every fight just a little bit more exciting, just a little bit more electric, just a lit....
(Interrupted)
SHADES: Yeah just a little bit more BORING!! I mean really, that McMillan guy has GOT to be the most OVERRATED wrestler here! I mean all that talent that he SUPPOSEDLY has and he has lost EVERY SINGLE MATCH HERE!!
ROSS: Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? I mean the man IS a rook...
(Interrupted)
SHADES: THE MAN SUCKS!! He has the WORST record in the FWF!!
ALVAREZ: From what I understand, most of today's MAJOR SUPERSTARS started their careers in similar fashion.
SHADES: Yeah as do some commentators, only in YOUR case you STILL SUCK! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
ROSS: REGARDLESS of your OBVIOUSLY BIASSED views, I still think McMillan has potential, especially considering that he has recently hooked up with Sage who in MY opinion is one of the most incredible athletes to come along in a VERY long time.
ALVAREZ: That's right Tony, I think with Sage as a partner and ally that McMillan will show some definite signs of improvement!
SHADES: OBVIOUSLY!! Hell, he CAN'T possibly get any worse!
ROSS: Well, we'll know soon enough a little later on when the FIRST EVER FWF TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL takes place. Right now let's turn the action over to Paul Kramer as our next match gets underway.
(Cameras zoom toward the arena where Paul Kramer is seen conversing with referee Stu Fields. A few chuckles later the mike is lowered and Paul Kramer begins his bark....)
KRAMER: LAAAAAAAADIIIIIIEEEEEES and GEEEENTLEEEEMEEEN!!! Our next contest is a 30 minute time limit! First, standing at 6 feet, weighing 238 pounds...... hailing from Death Valley, CA.... Here's GOOOOOOLEEEEEEM!!
(Cue up "God Bless The Bums" by Comeshot as Golem appears on the entranceway ramp..... the flickering lights and flashing camera bulbs casting an irridescent glow on his greenish tinged body hair that covers his upper body like a coat of fur. He begins walking down the aisle way, growling at an occasional fan along the way. He then enters the ring, raises himself on to the middle ropes of the turnbuckle as the crowd responds with JEERS and BOOS!!)
KRAMER: And his opponent, standing at 6 feet 2 inches tall! Weighing in at 210 pounds and hailing from Parts Unknown! He's NOOOOOSTRAAAADAAAAAMUUUUUUUS!!
(Cue up "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails as the ever mysterious cloaked figure of Nostradamus emerges on the entranceway ramp. As he begins to make his way down the aisle, a fan reaches out and pulls the hood down off of Nostradamus's head.... the fan quickly shrinks back in fear as he stares upon the silver-spiked hair, the dark, black eyes of Nostradamus. Nostradamus glares at him for just a few moments, then just as suddenly, he turns away and continues toward the ring......)
ALVAREZ: This should be a VERY interesting match up. The uncontrolled rage and fury of the beast known as Golem going against the unpredictability of the mystic Nostradamus!
SHADES: Oh please!! Stop trying to build this match up into something that it's not! Golem's gonna SQUASH that OVERRATED fortune teller!!
ROSS: And what makes you so sure of this?
SHADES: The C-Note that I have riding on him is all the assurance I need!!
ROSS: (sighing heavily as he shakes his head) I HAD to ask! Well, it looks as if we'll soon find out if you'll be $100 richer as they lock up in the middle of the ring!
ALVAREZ: WOW!! Would you look at Golem go!?! Tony, I hate to admit it but it looks as if Shades is on target with his bet!! Golem is just taking it to Nostradamus!! He's like a man possessed!!
SHADES: Hey what can I say, I'm Shades and you're not!! HAHAHAHAAA!!
ROSS: Thank god for that!! But it does look like you're right Victor! The match has JUST started and Golem is simply DOMINATING Nostradamus!
ALVAREZ: OH MY!! Golem has just leveled Nostradamus with a right hook!!! Nostradamus goes DOWN!!!
ROSS: Nostradamus staggers back to his feet ..... He has NO IDEA where he is!!
ALVAREZ: UH OH!! Look at Golem.... he's waiting for Nostradamus to turn around.... and he LOCKS THE CLAW ON HIM!!
SHADES: YEAH!!! KILL 'EM BABY!!!
ROSS: Nostradamus never saw it coming!! He crashes to the mat with Golem on top of him!! Nostradamus is caught in the middle of the ring .... trapped in Golem's finisher!!
ALVAREZ: Referee Stu Fields wastes no time as he checks to see if Nostradamus wants to submit! Meanwhile Nostradamus' arms are flailing wildly as he vainly tries to escape!!
SHADES: C'mon baby... give... GIVE!!!
ALVAREZ: Well Shades you MAY just be getting your wish....
ROSS: Victor I think you're right.... referee Fields is signaling for the bell.... Nostradamus has SUBMITTED!!
SHADES: YEAH!! WHERE'S THE PHONE?? I GOTTA CALL MY BOOKIE!!
ALVAREZ: Tony... Golem's not releasing the hold!! OH MY GOD!! NOSTRADAMUS IS OUT! HE'S NOT MOVING!! AND GOLEM APPLIES EVEN MORE PRESSURE!!
ROSS: Stu Fields is warning Golem to break the hold but Golem just ignores him and continues to add pressure!!
ALVAREZ: OH MY GOD!! Nostradamus is convulsing... he's coughing up blood!!
SHADES: KILL 'EM GOLEM!!
ROSS: Fields giving Golem one last warning.... he's threatening to reverse the decision.... and Golem FINALLY releases the hold! It looks like the threat of having the decision reversed knocked some sense into Golem!
ALVAREZ: Yes Tony but it may be too late... Nostradamus is STILL convulsing and coughing up blood.... and here comes the EMS!! Nostradamus is SERIOUSLY hurt Tony!
ROSS: That would certainly seem to be the case Victor as they rush off the unconscious Nostradamus to the waiting ambulance outside. Fans I'm being told that due to the violent and graphic nature of the aftermath of this match that we MUST go to a commercial break.....
(Cameras quickly fade out to a WWWA promotion for their upcoming NOVEMBER PAIN PPV......)
(Cameras fade back to the United Center Arena where the cleaning crews are STILL cleaning up the bloody mess from the previous match......)
SHADES: (talking on a cellular) Yeah... that's right! Let that C-Note RIDE!! All of it on this Goldwire character... uh huh....
ALVAREZ: You sure are a COLD HEARTED (BLEEP)!! Nostradamus has just been SERIOUSLY INJURED and all you can think about is money!
SHADES: Hey! At least people KNOW what I'm about! I'm a sonofa(BLEEP) and I won't deny it!! Besides, I sure as hell didn't recall anyone sympathizing for ME when Malec blackened my EYE!
ALVAREZ: That's different.... you had it coming!
SHADES: Yeah, you keep talking like that and YOU'LL have something coming your way... like my foot up your (BLEEP)!!
ROSS: Fans, we'll keep you posted on Nostradamus' condition as the updates come in. Well Shades, I don't know how, but you certainly had your finger on the pulse of that last match. But come on, you're gonna let your winnings ride on Goldwire to win?! No disrespect intended to Goldwire, but Havens is a WORLD CLASS athlete! The sure money would be on Havens to win.....
SHADES: Well, the sure money DOESN'T know the secret that I KNOW about Goldwire!
ROSS: And what would that secret be?
SHADES: WHO he really is.... or was that is.
ALVAREZ: And exactly WHO is or was Goldwire?
SHADES: Now if I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore now would it?
ROSS: I don't know why I even let you sucker me into these conversations....
SHADES: Could it be because you're a SUCKER!!?
ROSS: Yeah, I've always been a sucker for HARD LUCK cases!
ALVAREZ: Tony, it looks as if we're ready for our next match.
ROSS: (Sighing with relief) THANKFULLY! Take it away Paul!
(Cameras zoom to the middle of the ring where Announcer Paul Kramer is about to start his bark......)
(Fade to Ring Announcer Paul Kramer as he grabs the mike and begins barking the introductions to the next match)
PAUL KRAMER: LAAAADIIEEEES and GEEEEENTLEEEEMEEEEN!! Our next contest is scheduled for a 30 minute time limit! First, hailing from Detroit MI, standing at 6 feet 2 inches and weighing 257 pounds, he's the "Child Prodigy".... JOOOOHNYYYYY HAAAAAAVEEEEENS!!!
(Cue up "Next Muther(BLEEP)" by Marilyn Manson as Havens steps out on to the entranceway ramp. There he stands momentarily, dressed in his usual attire of a multi-colored Jnco shirt with matching Jnco Boomers. He smiles broadly as the fans cheer wildly!! He then makes his way slowly down the aisle, slapping hands all the way down.....)
PAUL KRAMER: And his opponent! Hailing from Phoenix AZ, standing 6 feet 7 inches tall and weighing 283 pounds, he's the man known as HEEEENRYYYY GOOOOLDWIIIIREEEE!!
(Cue up "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as the spot lights dance around the entranceway ramp, waiting for Henry Goldwire to appear. A few moments pass and STILL no Henry Goldwire....)
ALVAREZ: Well, it really looks as if YOU'RE the sucker now Shades!! Where's your man??
SHADES: SHUT UP YOU (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!!! He'll show!
ROSS: Well, he better do it soon because referee Stu Fields is starting his count....
(Cameras focus in on Havens and Fields as they both keep staring in the direction of the entranceway ramp ...... meanwhile......)
ALVAREZ: Tony, there seems to be some sort of commotion happening on the other side of the ring.... there seems to be a fan stripping.... OH MY GOD!! That's HENRY GOLDWIRE!! He was here all this time!! Sitting and disguised as a fan!!
SHADES: HA! I TOLD YA HE'D SHOW!!
ROSS: Uh oh.... he just slid under the ring... Fields and Havens don't see him... they have their backs to him...
ALVAREZ: Goldwire is directly behind Havens and ...... OH!! LOW BLOW BY GOLDWIRE!! Havens yells out in agony as he doubles over in pain!! Referee Stu Fields turns and sees Goldwire in the ring and stops the count... what's he doing?!? He should be disqualifying Goldwire NOT starting the match!!
SHADES: MAN SHUT UP!! Everything is legal until you get caught!! And that stupid ref didn't see a thing... in fact all I saw was havens bending over... for all we know he could be PASSING GAS!!
ROSS: Victor, unfortunately, the WORM here is right, the ref didn't see the low blow and seeing how Goldwire beat the count into the ring, he had no other choice but to officially start the match!
ROSS: Goldwire grabs the doubled over Havens and tosses him through the ropes and on to the hard floor outside.
ALVARES: Yeah but he's not stopping.... he's going right after him Tony.... OH NO!! He's... he's gonna set Havens up for a... a... OH!! PILEDRIVER ON TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!! Havens is literally out cold!!
SHADES: Yeah!! Do it again!!
ROSS: You sadistic (BLEEP) all you care about is your wager!
SHADES: STRAIGHT UP!! I WON'T DENY IT!!
ROSS: Goldwire lifts the semi-conscious Havens to his feet and tosses him unceremoniously into the ring!! Goldwire quickly follows him into the ring.... grabs a handful of hair and pulls Havens to his feet... OH SPINNING NECK BREAKER!!!
ALVAREZ: Tony, Havens is in SERIOUS trouble here... look at his face.... he's in excruciating pain.... he may have injured his neck Tony!!
SHADES: Hell I hope so.... I get bonus dollars if Havens is unable to leave under his own power!
ROSS: That's disgusting!! How can you just stand there and take pleasure on making money at the expense of someone's health?!
SHADES: Easy... I don't give a (BLEEP) about them!
ALVAREZ: Goldwire with the pin.... 1....2... NO!! Goldwire lifts the semi-conscious Havens up by the hair! HOW DESPICABLE!! What's he gonna do now.... uh oh....
ROSS: Uh oh is right!! I think he's gonna go for the... YES!! He's going for his finisher!! The LIGHTS OUT SLEEPER!!
SHADES: OH YEAH GOLDIE!! DO HIM IN!!
ROSS: HAVENS is OUT ON HIS FEET!!! THE REF IS CALLING FOR THE BELL!! THIS MATCH IS MERCIFULLY OVER AS HAVENS IS UNABLE TO CONTINUE!!
ALVAREZ: Goldwire will get the win here as he just looks down at Havens crumpled body in complete satisfaction.
ROSS: Fans, we're gonna go to a commercial break once again as we prepare for the first of two Main Events... the one that'll determine the FIRST FWF Tag Team Champions... the Tag Team Battle Royal.
(Cameras fade to a promo for the MWF promotion.....)
(Cameras fade back to the Triple Threat team of Shades, Alvarez and Ross......)
ALVAREZ: Tony, there's nothing like a PPV to bring out the best in a man.....
ROSS: As well as the WORST (he says as he glares at Shades who has is smiling from ear to ear as he calculates how much money he's won so far....)
SHADES: Who says money CAN'T buy happiness?? HHAHAHAHAHA!!
ROSS: (looks at Shades and gives him a look of disgust) Anyway, it looks as if we're finally going to see just WHO will walk away the FIRST FWF TAG TEAM CHAMPS as we prepare for the first ever FWF TAG BATTLE ROYAL. Now, from what I understand the ONLY way to be eliminated in this match is to be thrown OVER the TOP rope and COMPLETELY off the ring apron.
ALVAREZ: So then technically speaking, you could be thrown OVER the top rope, land on the ring apron or hang on to the ropes and STILL remain in the battle royal??
ROSS: So long as your feet DON'T touch the floor beneath the ring apron then you will NOT be considered eliminated.
ALVAREZ: What about the teams themselves? If one member is eliminated does that automatically eliminate his partner?
ROSS: No, if a team member is eliminated then his partner is STILL eligible to continue battling. Bottom line, BOTH members have to be eliminated in order for the TEAM as a whole to be eliminated.
SHADES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yaddah yaddah yaddah!! Can we get on with this match already?
ALVAREZ: So tell me Shades, you gonna let your winnings ride again??
SHADES: You know it!! MWG and Goldwire ALL THE WAY BABY!!
ALVAREZ: That's not a bad choice... they would definitely seem to be the favorite going into this match.... personally, I kinda like Van Dame and Fanatic... not taking anything away from MWG or Goldwire, but Van Dame and Fanatic appear to be more familiar with each other than the rest of the teams. Tony, who do you like?
ROSS: Well, it's kinda hard to judge especially since we still don't know who Golem's mystery partner is, but Sage showed me a lot when he took MWG to the limit, something that no one else has been able to do thus far, so I predict that the team of Seek and Destroy will emerge as the champions tonight.
SHADES: HAHAHAHAHA!!! That little runt Sage and his WIN LESS partner McMillan are gonna get SQUASHED!!!
ROSS: Well we'll certainly find out soon enough... take it away Paul!
(FADE TO: The United Center Ring where Paul Kramer stands with a mike in hand as he prepares his bark.....)
PAUL KRAMER: LAAAAAADIIIEEEEES and GEEEEENTLEEEMEEEEN!! It's time for the ULTIMATE in all out wars... it's time for the TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL!! Tonight, SEVEN teams will compete, FOURTEEN MEN, all vying for the same goal.... but ONLY one team will PREVAIL, after tonight, ONLY two of these fourteen men will capture gold and become the FIRST FWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!
(Crowd explodes with THUNDEROUS ROARS as they eagerly await the start of the match......)
PAUL KRAMER: First, at a combined weight of 541 pounds, they are the team of X-RAAAAATEEEEED!!!
(Cue up "Boy Toy" by BIB as Clynt Taylor and Erotic Eric Evans saunter down the aisle and enter the ring)
PAUL KRAMER: Our next team, weighing in at a combined weight of 503 pounds, making their FWF debut tonight, here's the team combination of BRAAAANDOOOON PEEEREEEEZ and TAAAALIIIOOOONE BREEEEEVEEETTE!!!
(Cue up "Sober" by Tool as the FWF fans get their first look at Brevette and Perez as they make their way down the aisle and into the ring.)
PAUL KRAMER: Next we have at a combined weight of 429 pounds, the team of JOE VAN DAAAAAAAME and FEEEERRIIIIT FAAAANAAAATIIIIIC!!!
(Cue up "I'm alone" by Nirvana as Van Dame and Fanatic race down the aisle and toward the ring. Van Dame jumps up to the apron while Fanatic runs circles around the ring.)
PAUL KRAMER: Our Fourth team, at a combined weight of 525 pounds, we have the current WAR World Champion, MADOOOOONNAAAA WAAAAYNE GROOOSSAAAARD and his partner HEEENRYYY GOOOOOOLDWIIIREE!!
(Cue up "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as Grossard and Goldwire appear at the entrance way ramp... they seem to be disagreeing about something as they begin to slowly make their way down the aisle. This continues even after they enter the ring.)
PAUL KRAMER: Our next team, the LIGHTEST team by far to be involved in this match, at a combined weight of 383 pounds, we have the team of SEEEEEK and DEEEESTROOOOY!!!
(Cue up "Seek and Destroy" by Metallica as Sage and Darren McMillan burst out of the entranceway and race toward the ring as the fans thunderous roars literally shakes the rafters.)
PAUL KRAMER: Our next team, coming in at a combined weight of 488 pounds!! Here is the team of GOOOOOLEEEEM and his mystery partner..... BERSEEEERKEEER DAAAAVE!!!
(Cue up "God Bless The Bums" by Comeshot as Golem makes his way down the aisle while Berserker Dave runs first down the aisle, then back up the aisle, then down the aisle again. As Golem enters the ring, Berserker Dave, just like Ferrit Fanatic before him, begins to run circles around the ring.)
PAUL KRAMER: And finally, the SEVENTH and LAST team in .....
(INTERRUPTED....by a voice emanating from the arena speaker systems......)
V/O: YO, YO..... before this show gets underway, on behalf of the last team to be announced, who by the way are PERSONAL friends of mine, I want to dedicate this song to them.....
(Spot lights center on a figure at the entrance way ramp.... The crowd suddenly goes wild as they recognize the figure to be none other than LL COOL J!!! Suddenly, "Something Like A Phenomenon" is cued up as LL COOL J begins to sing the lyrics! As he begins to sing, the team of Newark Assassins, featuring "Lord Terror" Abdulla Blood and "Redman" Raul Diaz emerge also and high five LL COOL J! They begin to sway to the music as LL COOL J continues to sing..... then as he finishes his song and the crowd erupts wildly, the Newark Assassins both embrace LL COOL J and proceed toward the ring....)
LL COOL J: AIGHT!! AIGHT!! LET'S HEAR IT FER MA BOYZ THE NEWARK ASSASSINS!!!
(Crowd cheers wildly as the Assassins enter the ring and LL COOL J takes a seat in the front row....)
ALVAREZ: WOW that was CERTAINLY an impressive entrance by the Newark Assassins!
ROSS: Yeah, well for their sake let's hope they make an equally impressive showing tonight 'cause the competition is FIERCE!!
ALVAREZ: And how about that MYSTERY partner of Golem??
SHADE: Why Golem would even want to associate with that loser is beyond me!
ROSS: Unfortunately for you Shades, MOST things are!! Anyway this match is officially underway!!
ALVAREZ: WOW Tony, no sooner than you say that than they all go at it!! Look at them would you?!? Seek and Destroy immediately go after MWG and Goldwire, Newark Assassins and X-Rated BOTH attack Golem and Berserker and the team of Van Dame and Fanatic are going toe to toe with Perez and Brevette!!
ROSS: Erotic Evans holds Berserker while Abdulla Blood pummels him with lefts and rights!! Golem pushed into the corner, double teamed by Raul Diaz and Clynt Taylor! Meanwhile, MWG and Goldwire are going at it, slugging it out in the middle of the ring with Sage and McMillan!!
SHADES: COME ON GOLDY!!! SQUASH THAT LIL' KOREAN!!
ALVAREZ: OH!! Berserker DUCKED and Abdullah Blood just struck Erotic E by mistake!! Or I think it was a mistake anyway!
ROSS: Clynt Taylor didn't seem to appreciate that so he stopped beating on Golem and just attacked Diaz!! That gives Golem and Berserker a much needed break as they try to regroup.
SHADES: HAHAHAHAA!! This is better than a circus!! Look at that human sandwich near the far corner!! You got Brevette on the bottom with Van Dame on top of punching him, with Perez on top of Van Dame choking him, with Fanatic on top or Perez BITING him!!! This is absolutely hilarious!!
ROSS: Uh oh!! It looks as if Sage is in trouble as Goldwire is setting him up for an over the top rope suplex.... he has it locked on and Sage goes sailing through the... OH MY GOD!!! WHAT A MOVE!! Sage somehow managed to land feet first on the top rope and catapulted himself into the 4-man sandwich of Brevette, Van Dame, Perez and Fanatic!! They ALL go sprawling headlong to the mat!!!
ALVAREZ: Goldwire can't believe what he just saw.... he's standing there in disbelief... and LOOK OUT!!
SHADES: WATCH OUT GOLDY!!!
ALVAREZ: OWWW!! Golem just nailed Goldwire with a leaping DDT!!
ROSS: Meanwhile the Newark Assassins are involved in their own little private war with Erotic E and Clynt Taylor... but look at this!! Berserker Dave just helped Fanatic to his feet!! And he's pointing in the direction of the 4 way melee involving the Assassins, Erotic E and Taylor! They bounce off the opposite side of the ropes and HURL themselves onto them!!!
ALVAREZ: Brevette is finally off the mat and he reaches for Van Dame and they both start slugging it out!! But look, MWG grabs BOTH their heads and SMASHES them together!!
ROSS: Perez out of nowhere with a DROPKICK to the back of MWG!!! Sending him flying into Golem who back body drops him!!
ALVAREZ: At the opposite end, Fanatic and Berserker are the first to get up and look at them!! It looks as if they've formed some sort of alliance as Fanatic offers a hand in friendship!!
ALVAREZ: Berserker looks hesitant.... and OHH!! Van DAME with a DOUBLE AXE HANDLE to the back of Berserker's head!! Fanatic and Van Dame immediately lift Berserker up and ... Uh OH!! DOUBLE SUPLEX over the top rope!!! BERSERKER is the FIRST to be eliminated!!
SHADES: YA SEE!! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!! WHY THE (BLEEP) would GOLEM tag with that NUT CASE!?! Maybe GOLEM'S the one that's crazy!?!
ROSS: Out of nowhere Perez comes and CLOTHESLINES both Fanatic and Van Dame OVER the top rope!! Fanatic hits the ground right next to Berserker and is ELIMINATED! Berserker and Fanatic begin going at it outside the ring!! Van Dame however managed to hang on to the ropes and landed on the apron so he's STILL alive as he quickly climbs the turnbuckle and MISSLE DROP KICKS an unsuspecting Sage!!
ALVAREZ: Golem and Erotic Eric quickly take that opportunity to pounce on the fallen Sage!! They're working him over pretty good by the ropes.... Erotic lifts Sage up effortlessly and tries to toss him over the top rope!! Sage is hanging on for dear life with a headlock!!
SHADES: Golem tries to help by attempting to pry loose Sage's headlock on Erotic E but he can't get a good grip on the hold because of Erotic's E's towering height... NO!! Don't do that!! NO YOU IDIOT!! Don't step on the middle rope!!
ALVAREZ: Look at Sage frantically signalling to someone!
ROSS: WOW! Out of nowhere McMillan races in with a flying body press and takes out BOTH of them.... INCLUDING SAGE!! NO WAIT!! Sage HOOKED the ropes as he was falling, bounced off the apron and flung himself BACK into the RING!! This Sage is absolutely INCREDIBLE!!
ALVAREZ: To say the least Tony!
SHADES: Man PLEASE!! That was nothing but (BLEEP) LUCK!!
ROSS: Whatever the case, Erotic E is now eliminated and the team of Golem and Berserker Dave are the FIRST TEAM to be eliminated in the battle royal!
SHADES: No loss there, they're all losers anyhow!
ALVARES: Over at the opposite end the Newark Assassins are beating down Clynt Taylor.... and look!! Van Dame attacks the Newark Assassins!! Is he trying to ally himself with Taylor??
ROSS: It would make perfect sense since BOTH of them are now at a disadvantage because they've BOTH had their partners eliminated! That's a smart move on Van Dame's part!
SHADES: Smart?? NAH!! Sneaky?? Conniving?? (BLEEP) YES!!
ROSS: Must you ALWAYS emphasize everything with foul language??
SHADES: (BLEEP) NO!! I don't have to (BLEEP) curse after every (BLEEP) statement... I (BLEEP) just happen to like (BLEEP) coloring my (BLEEP) comments with (BLEEP) curses!! All right (BLEEP)!! So get the (BLEEP) off my (BLEEP) BACK!! You (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!!!
ROSS: Guess that explains the reason for your limited vocabulary as well as intellect....
ALVAREZ: Goldwire has Perez trapped in a full nelson and here comes MWG ..... he goes for the TESTICULAR CLAW and OOHH!! Perez, swings his lower half up in a PIKE POSITION just as MWG goes for the TESTICULAR CLAW!! MWG misses Perez and inadvertedly locks onto Goldwire!!
ROSS: Aww man!! That has GOT to hurt!! Goldwire IMMEDIATELY releases the full nelson and Perez flips over Goldwire and applies a reverse neckbreaker on him!!
SHADES: AWW MAN!! They attacked BOTH his HEADS!! Damn HEAD HUNTERS!!
ALVAREZ: MWG can't believe what just happened as he stares down at Goldwire who is writhing in pain on the mat... Brevette taps MWG on the shoulder, MWG turns and gets a boot to the stomach!! Brevette hooks the arms and is setting MWG up for a pile driver... NO!! MWG with a back body drop!!! But Brevette lands right on top of Goldwire!!
ROSS: Goldwire immediately jumps to his feet!! He's absolutely INCENSED as he goes straight toward MWG and starts yelling and pointing his finger right into his chest!
SHADES: C'mon you (BLEEP) JERKS!! My moneys riding on you guys so cut the crap and get down to business!!
ROSS: DOUBLE DROP KICK by the Newark Assassins sends MWG and Goldwire crashing into each other!!! These guys better get their priorities straight soon or they're gonna have more problems than EVEN they are capable of handling!!
ALVAREZ: Meanwhile, Sage and McMillan have just grabbed one of the Newark Assassins, the big man of the team, Abdullah Blood and are double teaming him!! Raul Diaz rushes to his aid but is met by Van Dame and Clynt Taylor!! Taylor and Van Dame effectively double team Diaz and quickly have him in trouble!!
ROSS: MWG and Goldwire still seem to be at odds and Brevette and Perez capitalize on that as they BLIND SIDE the both of them with double LARIATS!!
SHADES: NO!!!
ALVAREZ: Sage and McMillan just don't seem to have the strength to lift the 345 pound Abdullah over the top rope...
ROSS: Well, I'm NOT surprised... Sage and McMillan combine for a total weight of ONLY 383 pounds!!
ALVAREZ: DOUBLE HEAD BUTT BY ABDULLAH!! Sends Seek and Destroy down to the mat!!
ALVAREZ: Van Dame and Taylor have Diaz teetering precariously on the top rope.... Diaz trying desperately to hang on... NO!! OVER HE GOES!!! Diaz is eliminated!! Van Dame gives an approving pat on the back of Taylor... Taylor and Van Dame begin to shake hands and OH!!!.... Van Dame with a SHORT ARM LARIAT sends Taylor OVER the top rope!! Taylor is ELIMINATED, which means that the TEAM of X-Rated is the SECOND team to be eliminated!!
ROSS: That's the risk you take with these temporary alliances.... sooner or later ONE of them was gonna pull that and Van Dame got there first!!
SHADES: Alright, now THAT'S what I call UNDERHANDED!!! YEAH!!!
ROSS: Abdullah, seeing his partner just get eliminated rushes over toward Van Dame but is tripped up by Sage and McMillan as they grab both of his feet causing him to fall with a thunderous crash to the mat!!
ALVAREZ: TONY LOOK AT THIS!! EVERYONE stops their present battles and all pile up on top of Abdullah Blood!!
ROSS: It makes perfect sense... at 345 pounds he clearly will be the toughest man to eliminate so this just may be the opportunity to do so!!
ALVAREZ: MWG and Goldwire, for the first time tonight, put their differences aside and are the FIRST ones to pounce on top of Abdullah! Brevette and Perez are next as they follow suit with double frog splashes off the top turnbuckle! McMillan flings Sage into the ropes... Sage bounces off and is propelled up into the air with the help of McMillan!! He does a mid air somersault and lands on the TOP of the pile in a seated position!!! SIMPLY INCREDIBLE!!
ROSS: Uh oh... look at Van Dame, he's trying to sneak up behind McMillan.... McMillan turns just as Van Dame leaps at him and they both crash to the mat.... rolling around, punching and kicking!!!
SHADES: Get him Van Dame!! BITE HIM!!!
ALVAREZ: Tony, they're starting to break up the human body pile on Abdullah... Abdullah looks to be out on his feet!!
ROSS: Are you surprised?? He had the wind knocked out of him with nearly 1400 pounds on him!! I'm surprised he's even breathing at all!!!
ALVAREZ: They all drag him to the ropes and with a UNIFIED effort... they toss Abdullah UP and OVER the TOP ROPE!! Abdullah is eliminated making the Newark Assassins the THIRD team to be eliminated thus far!! There are now only 3 1/2 teams left alive in this battle royal!!
ROSS: No sooner than they toss the big man over the top rope than they ALL resume their feuds!!
ROSS: Sage tries to rush to McMillan's aid and is caught off guard by a clubbing forearm by Goldwire!! Perez and Brevette attack MWG!! Goldwire POWERBOMBS Sage!! He looks over to his partner MWG, who has been beaten down to his knees by Brevette and Perez and just stares!! I can't believe it! Instead of rushing to his partner's aid, he flips off MWG and goes over to McMillan, who has Van Dame trapped in a front face lock and KICKS him in the back of the head!!
ALVAREZ: Obviously Goldwire still has some hard feelings about their teams miscommunications! Meanwhile Brevette and Perez continue to kick at the fallen MWG!
SHADES: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GOLDWIRE?!?! HELP MWG!!!
ROSS: I hate to admit it Shades, but I have to agree with you! They need to put the past behind them and unite as a team!!
SHADES: SHUDDAP!! I DON'T NEED YOUR (BLEEP) OPINIONS!!
ROSS: No, but YOUR MONEY DOES!!
SHADES: (BLEEP) YOU!!!!
ALVAREZ: Sage finally gets up and rushes to his partner's aid!! Listen to the fans cheer!!!
ROSS: Yes, it's certainly clear who the fans want to win this match!!
ALVAREZ: Sage is going to town on Goldwire and Van Dame!! Goldwire grabs Sage from behind and Van Dame rushes in.... SAGE KICKS VAN DAME IN THE CHEST AND VAN DAME FLIES THROUGH THE ROPES AND OUT THE RING!!
ROSS: Since Van Dame went THROUGH the ropes he is NOT eliminated!! Meanwhile Grossard finally sees an opening and applies a DOUBLE TESTICULAR CLAW!!! Perez and Brevette drop to their knees in agony!! MWG seeing Goldwire is still holding Sage from behind makes his way over to Sage and connects with a vicious right hand!! He's taunting Sage now as he gyrates his crotch in front of him!!
SHADES: YEAH MWG!! TEAR HIS (BLEEP) APART!!!
ROSS: OH!! HE JUST KISSED SAGE FULL ON THE LIPS!!! THEN HE SMACKS HIM AND LAUGHS!!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!
ALVAREZ: SAGE JUST SPIT HIM IN THE FACE!!! AND THE FANS LOVE IT!!!
SHADES: I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT SAGE!! HE'S GAY!!!
ROSS: What are you talking about!! MWG kissed SAGE!?!
SHADES: Yeah but Sage LIKED IT!!!
ROSS: You're hopeless!!
ALVAREZ: Tony, it looks as if Sage spitting on him has enraged MWG.... look at him shaking his fist at Sage... Sage spits him again!! And MWG swings... Sage wiggles free and ducks and MWG strikes Goldwire!!!
ROSS: MWG can't believe what's just happened!! Goldwire is holding his jaw and yelling at MWG!! LOOKOUT!!! Van Dame with a SUICIDE DIVE from atop the turnbuckle absolutely LEVELS MWG and Goldwire!! Now Van Dame and Sage take full advantage and go all out on MWG and Goldwire!!
ALVAREZ: Yeah but on the other side of the ring, Perez and Brevette have caught McMillan by surprise and are beating the life out of him!!! Brevette has McMillan set up for a pile driver while Perez, who is standing on the second rope holds McMillan's legs.... Perez LEAPS driving and adding even more force to the pile driver!!
ROSS: OHH MY!!! McMillan is OUT COLD!!! Perez and Brevette easily lift the unconscious McMillan and TOSS him over the top rope!! McMillan is ELIMINATED!!!
SHADES: OH YEAH!! Toss that (BLEEP) OUT!!!
ROSS: On the other side of the ring MWG is tied up in the ropes while Sage and Van Dame have Goldwire on the brink of being eliminated as they desperately try to slide him over the top rope!!
ALVAREZ: Yeah and Brevette and Perez, seeing MWG tied up in the ropes are taking turns splashing him!! First is Perez! WOW!! What elevation he got as he lands full force on the helpless MWG!!
ROSS: Yeah he landed SO hard that it loosened one of MWG's arm from the ropes!! Brevette doesn't know it and now he comes with his leaping splash and.... MWG turns side ways while pulling down on the top rope!!! Look at the expression on Brevette's face!!! He sees what's happening but it's too late!!! HE CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT AS MWG easily back drops him OVER the rope!!! BREVETTE IS ELIMINATED!!!
SHADES: YEAH!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!
ALVAREZ: Grossard has freed himself from the ropes and is heading to help his partner but Perez catches him with a spinning leg lariat!! Grossard is down!!
ROSS: Goldwire doesn't look like he can hold on much longer.... and OUT HE GOES!!! GOLDWIRE IS ELIMINATED!!! And Sage looks around for his partner but doesn't see him! It looks like Van Dame is explaining to Sage that McMillan was eliminated by Perez and Brevette!!
ALVAREZ: LOOK TONY!!
SHADES: Hey! How come it's always "LOOK TONY"?? How come you never try to include me in the commentary??
ALVAREZ: I'm sorry Shades, I didn't realize you felt left out?
SHADES: GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF!! You actually think I want to be conversing with you TWO LOSERS!! HAHAHHAHAHAAA!! YOU SUCKER!!
(Alvarez shakes his head in disbelief....)
ROSS: Yeah I see it Victor.... Van Dame is offering his hand in friendship... he wants to form a temporary alliance with Sage!!
ALVAREZ: And listen to the fans TONY!! (looking defiantly at Shades) They're really voicing their disapproval!!
SHADES: Go on ya idiot.... don't be antisociable... SHAKE!!
ROSS: Sage looks a little hesitant, but he shrugs his shoulders and shakes his hand!!
ALVAREZ: LOOK OUT!! Van Dame yanks Sage forward and tries to short arm clothesline him over the top just like he did to Clynt Taylor but Sage is TOO FAST!! Sage ducks under and back body drops Van Dame OVER the top rope!!! Van Dame went to the well once too often and it cost him!! Van Dame is ELIMINATED!!!
SHADES: Hey now that's not right!! Just goes to show you how LITTLE integrity Sage has!! Van Dame offered him a partnership and THAT'S how he repays him!?!
ROSS: Wasn't it YOU who called that, being conniving, being sneaky!!
SHADES: Yeah, but that's expected from guys like Van Dame!! Guys like Sage AREN'T supposed to do that... they're supposed to be fan favorites aren't they!?! So in MY eyes, when a fan favorite resorts to that, it's called CHEATING!!
ALVAREZ: You sure are a piece of work Shades.
SHADES: That I am!! Anyway, my MONEY is STILL alive and kicking, much like your BAD BREATH!!!
ROSS: All that remains are 3 men, each representing a separate team!!
ALVAREZ: MWG is talking to Perez and motioning toward Sage.... Perez nods his head and they both start toward Sage!
ROSS: It looks as if they're gonna double team him Victor... Sage is starting to back pedal a little... AND SAGE CHARGES!!! CARTWHEEL SPLASH!!! HE TAKES THEM BOTH DOWN!!
ALVAREZ: GREAT DEFENSIVE MOVE!!!
SHADES: GET UP GROSSARD!!!
ROSS: Sage is playing cat and mouse with them which is a smart thing to do! Perez is up first and attempts a leg sweep.... Sage jumps into the air and Grossard NAILS him with a mid air drop kick!! Sage is gasping for air.... Sage is pulled up and tossed into the turnbuckle with AUTHORITY by Perez!!
ROSS: Grossard starts to move in with Perez at his side.... Grossard grabs Sage and flings him back into the turnbuckle! He sits Sage on the top turnbuckle and...
ALVAREZ: OH MY!!! PEREZ just leveled GROSSARD with his patented spinning leg lariat!! Grossard falls over the top rope and is ELIMINATED!!
SHADES: NO!!! (BLEEP)!!! NO!! THAT'S CHEATING!! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PARTNERS!!! (BLEEP) NO!!!
ROSS: Say good buy to your winning streak Shades!!
ALVAREZ: Grossard is infuriated!! He's making his way up to the apron and LOOK!! Goldwire appears and pulls Grossard down from the apron .... and they start arguing!!
ROSS: There's some MAJOR finger pointing going on there right now, in the meantime Perez climbs up to the turnbuckle where Sage is sitting and they begin to slug it out.....
ALVAREZ: Tony, that's not the ONLY battle going on... Goldwire just shoved MWG to the ground... LOOK!! SOMEONE'S COMING UP BEHIND GOLDWIRE!! IT'S TIM... AKA BARNEY THE DINOSAUR!! HE HITS GOLDWIRE ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH SOMETHING AND GOLDWIRE GOES DOWN!!
ROSS: Meanwhile, Perez and Sage are STILL slugging it out, although it looks as if Perez is getting the better of him!
ALVAREZ: Outside the ring, Tim jumps on Goldwire's back and ... and... He's shoving that same object that he hit him with down his throat!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!! UUGH DISGUSTING!! That's Barney's MANDIBLE C(BLEEP)CK... a DILDO!! HE'S SHOVING A DILDO DOWN GOLDWIRE'S THROAT!!
SHADES: YEAH F(BLEEP)K HIM!!!
ROSS: I thought that was your boy, or at least one of them??
SHADES: Hey they blew my BANK ROLL so (BLEEP) 'EM!! (BLEEP) 'EM BOTH!!!
ROSS: Back up in the ring, Perez just bulldogged Sage down to the mat!! Sage is in big trouble!!
ALVAREZ: Not nearly as much trouble as Goldwire's in if someone doesn't break up that disgusting display.... Here comes MWG... he's just standing there.... he's undecided... he moves forward and reaches out to break it off ... but NO!! He pushes off and walks back to the dressing room!! Security finally comes and pulls Tim off of Goldwire, and not a moment too soon.... Goldwire was literally choking on that .... that ... that THING!!!
SHADES: Your pathetic Vic... can't you even say it?? It's a DILDO!! D-I-L-D-O...!!!
ROSS: Back up in the ring.... Sage is literally battling for his life as Perez hits a slingshot brainbuster!!
ALVAREZ: What is keeping Sage going??
SHADES: Could be that kiss that MWG gave him.... he's probably thinking of the fun he's gonna have in the lockerroom with Grossard, the dildo, and Barney!!
ROSS: Your sick!!
SHADES: Your wife doesn't think so.... HAHAHAHAAAA!!
ALVAREZ: Perez pulls Sage up by his poney tail and sends him to the ropes.... ARABIAN PRESS BY SAGE!!! Perez immediately jumps to his feet!!
ROSS: FLYING HEAD SCISSORS TAKE DOWN BY SAGE!! THE TIDE IS DEFINITELY TURNING HERE!!!
ALVAREZ: Perez a little slow to get up this time... Perez charges... ARMDRAG TAKEDOWN by Sage!! Perez back up to his feet.... Sage off the ropes .... FLYING BODY PRESS BY SAGE!!!
ROSS: PEREZ CATCHES HIM IN MID-AIR and POWERBOMBS HIM!! That knocked the wind out of Sage!
SHADES: Boy, that Sage sure likes to GROPE men...... Barney should'a used that dildo on Sage... he probably would'a liked it!!
ROSS: ENOUGH ALREADY!!
ALVAREZ: Perez pulls Sage up..... he's setting him up for... UH OH!! He's signaling for his finisher, a suplex he calls the "The Silhouette Embrace".... He's got him up... and LOOK!!! He's walking over to the ropes... he's going to drop him OVER THE ROPES!!
ROSS: Sage is doing something though... he's splitting his legs into a 'V' position and he WHIPS his legs, twisting his body around and tries to land on the ropes.... OH HE LOST HIS FOOTING AND CROTCHED HIMSELF!!!
ALVAREZ: Sage is at Perez's mercy now as he sits in pain, stradling the top rope..... Perez goes for the spinning leg lariat.... Sage ducks and now PEREZ HAS CROTCHED HIMSELF!!!
ROSS: That was PURE desperation on Sage's part... and it CERTAINLY paid off!!
ALVAREZ: Now they're BOTH stradling the top rope... BOTH exhausted and BOTH in pain!!
SHADES: I don't know WHY they would be in so much pain... NEITHER of them has any BALLS! HAHAHAAAAA!!
ROSS: Perez is the first to start showing signs of life as he tries to UNcrotch himself.... but Sage won't have any of that as he reaches over with a rake of the eyes!!
ROSS: Perez retaliates with a punch that connects and sends Sage teetering precariously over the edge. Now Sage responds with a punch of his own!
ALVAREZ: Tony, Sage is TOO small to hope to try and outslug the bigger Perez!
ROSS: At this point he has no choice.. there's only so much you can do when you're stradling the rope like that!
ALVAREZ: Perez with ANOTHER blow ... Sage ducks and KICKS out Perez's leg from underneath him!!! Perez loses his balance and falls on Sage and they BOTH go over the side!!
ROSS: Perez hits the floor hard... but LOOK!! SAGE LOCKED HIS LEGS AROUND THE TOP ROPE!!! SAGE SAVED HIMSELF FROM BEING ELIMINATED!!! SAGE HAS DONE IT!! SAGE HAS WON THE TAG TEAM TITLES FOR HIS TEAM!!! SEEK AND DESTROY ARE THE FIRST EVER FWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!
SHADES: What a rip off!! That little runt doesn't deserve to win..... what kind of example would he be, afterall, he likes kissing men!!!
ROSS: Regardless of your RIDICULOUS views Shades, the FACT of the matter is that SEEK and DESTROY are the FWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!
(The fans roar their approval.....)
ROSS: That was DEFINITELY ONE HARD FOUGHT VICTORY by Sage to capture the Gold for his team Seek and Destroy! Fans, we'll be right back after we break momentarily for station identification.......
(Screen fades out on the screaming fans as the ESPN 2 Logo appears.......)
(The camera makes a pan across the United Center and focuses on a group of fans holding three signs with the letters "M", "W", and "G" on them. Another fan has a sign that reads "HELIX WILL REIGN SUPREME". Another guy holds a sign that says "WILL JOB FOR FOOD". A well-endowed female holds a sign proudly that reads "I WANT BOY TOY 4:69". A drunken idiot is shown pulling his Bears jersey over his head and pretending to be the "Great Cornholio". The camera fades to Paul Kramer.)
PAUL KRAMER: "In our next match, coming to the ring, from the Smoky Mountains, weighing in at 231lbs., "POOR" BUTCH CLAMPETT!!"
(The crowd boos as they watch the slovenly dressed Clampett emerge from the curtains carrying his rat cage. Clampett doesn't even look at the crowd as he walks to the ring. He swats a fly on his shoulder. CUE-UP: "Stop Being Greedy" by DMX)
P.K.: "And his opponent, from New York, New York, weighing in at 270lbs., VENOM!!"
(There is a mixed crowd reaction as Venom comes to the ring wearing black baggy pants. He is wearing a scowl on his face as he stares at some of the fans)
TONY ROSS: "Well, fans, we've had quite an exciting night already here in Chicago, and the main event is near!"
JAKE SHADES: "Which means we have to sit through two more crappy matches to get to it! Is this even necessary?"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "The tag team battle royal wasn't good enough for you?"
J.S.: "No, those two pandering twits won the dumb thing! I was expecting a clean sweep from MWG tonight! That's OK, he still has a chance to win the National Title. That goof Goldwire was holding him back anyway."
T.R.: "Whatever you say, Jake! Seek and Destroy are the FWF National Tag Team Champions but now we have Venom and Butch Clampett set to hook up! Clampett looks like he just climbed out of a sewer and Venom looks like he's going to kill somebody, and that's what he aims to do as he attacks Clampett with forearms to the side of the head! Clampett is backed into the corner and Venom belly to backs him right out of there!"
V.A.: "Venom is a no nonsense type of wrestler who just goes in there and does what he has to do, win matches. It's only going to take a couple of wins for him to be right in the title picture!"
J.S.: "I actually kind of like Venom, but since Madonna Wayne Grossard is going to win the title, don't look for Venom to be the champion anytime this century!"
T.R.: "Venom has an ankle lock hooked in but Clampett gets to the ropes! They are very near to the rat cage, and that thing has already been let loose once and I don't want to see it again! Clampett is able to get up by the ropes but Venom kicks him viciously in the knee and down he goes! Venom drops a knee and pulls Clampett up! Clampett somehow rolls him up!! 1-2-Kickout!"
J.S.: "I'm going to have a talk with Lebron about scheduling matches like this so late in the card! I'll have to smack him around a bit!"
TONY ROSS: "Venom is angered now as he pulls Clampett up by the hair and whips him in! Tilt-o-whirl backbreaker and he flipped Clampett like a flapjack! A cover!! 1-2-No!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "That was a great move by Venom, and I'm kind of noticing that Clampett is really not into this match! It looks like he barely made an effort to kick out!"
JAKE SHADES: "Effort? Most FWF wrestlers don't know the meaning of the word, Vicky!"
T.R.: "I beg to differ, Jake! Venom pulls Clampett up and hits a slingshot suplex! Beautifully executed! No cover by Venom, he wants to make Clampett submit here! He has an armlock on and Clampett is not quitting! Venom lets off and stomps him in the chest a few times!"
V.A.: "Venom is just attacking all parts of the body here and Clampett is going to hurt all over before this one is through!"
J.S.: "I have a question? Why is Clampett still poor? Isn't Lebron paying him or is he another one of his tools for slave labor! This guy is keeping Goodwill in business!"
T.R.: "I don't think it's any of your business what FWF wrestlers make, and I'm sure Clampett is well off, he just doesn't want to forget his roots!"
J.S.: "What roots? The fact that his mom and dad are first cousins? I heard they tried to make a family tree for Clampett and it ended up coming out looking like a thornbush! No branches!"
T.R.: "Please! Clampett starts to mount an offensive here but that's quickly ended by Venom as he rakes Clampett's eye and sends him down with a monster punch! Venom pulls him right back up and whips Clampett into the corner! Venom charges in after him but hits nothing but steel post! Clampett dived out of the way!"
V.A.: "Clampett did have the presence of mind to get out of the way so maybe he is in this match more than I thought!"
J.S.: "I think he is just tired from unloading the concession trucks and putting together the ring for Lebron so he could eat well tonight!"
T.R.: "Clampett bulldogs Venom down and covers quickly!! 1-2-Kickout! He almost had a surprise victory there and he kicks Venom in the head! He pulls Venom up and slams him! Some unexpected power from Clampett there! Clampett drops an elbow and starts choking Venom! Referee William Bennett will have none of that as he rips Clampett off of Venom! Look at this! Clampett is up and in Bennett's face and Willy is not backing down! Clampett shoves him and Bennett shoves back and Clampett goes right into the waiting arms of Venom!! Venom grabs him and turns him and hits the Initial Strike!!"
J.S.: "What the hell is that!!? Referees can touch the wrestlers now! That idiot Bennett has gone too far now! He's another one fo Lebron's corrupted flunkies! He was probably in the goon squad that Malec sent after me a year ago!"
T.R.: "Are you blind!? Clampett pushed him first! Does everything have to be a conspiracy with you!? You're as bad as McCarthy in the 50s! Why don't you just go on a witch hunt and ferret out all this corruption!?"
JAKE SHADES: "Believe me, Ross, I already have! When I'm done, I'll make McCarthy look like Wendy on Casper the Friendly Ghost if you wanna talk about witch hunts!"
TONY ROSS: "Venom places Clampett on the top rope and he hooks him in!! Wow!! It's the "Kiss of Death" Tornado DDT and he really planted him!! Venom covers and this is a no-brainer!! 1-2-3!! Big win for Venom!!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "Like I said earlier, he's going to have success here in the FWF, he just needs a little more experience!"
J.S.: "Venom needs somebody smart to guide him, somebody like me! But my intelligence and ring knowledge comes with a major price, and I don't think Lebron pays him enough to afford it! Plus, he could never beat MWG, so it's pretty much pointless!"
T.R.: "Can I ask you something, Jake? Is there some sort of relationship between you and Madonna Wayne Grossard? And I stress the word *relationship*!"
J.S.: "How dare you even insinuate something like that! MWG and I are good friends and he has my full support to go in and beat those guys and take the FWF National Title! Do I ask you if you have relations with Helix and Sage? You can't stop talking about those guys! Is there something going on with you and they?"
T.R.: "I'm not even going to waste my time with an answer to that!"
(Camera pans the United Center once again as the scoreboard runs down the match results of the evening and some highlights are shown. A fight in the stands can be seen briefly as the camera pans away from it. The shot switches to ringside where about 10 people are fighting to be seen on TV, one of which is a hot blonde who almost falls out of her tank top. Some more signs can be seen, including, "'DOLLAR' BILL WIRTZ FEARS HELIX", "BASEBALL BEEN GOOD TO SAMMY, MWG BEEN BAD FOR WRESTLING", and "THE FRONTIER WILL DOMINATE THE MILLENIUM wf")
PAUL KRAMER: "In our next match, coming to the ring," (CUE-UP: "Something Like a Phenomenon" by LL Cool J) "From Elizabeth, New Jersey, weighing in at 275lbs., "THE EXTREME" JOHNNY GUNNZ!!"
(The crowd boos as Gunnz makes his way to the ring wearing black nylon Nike pants and Nike sneakers. He almost hits a fan who reaches out and touches him. CUE-UP: "Shapes of Things" by the Jeff Healy Band)
P.K.: "From Montreal, Quebec, weighing in at 245lbs., JEAN RABESQUE!!"
(The crowd roars as Rabesque comes down slapping hands wearing simple black tights. He gets to the apron and raises his arms to the cheering throng)
TONY ROSS: "Jean Rabesque makes a triumphant return to Chicago! What an ovation for a man who's career has been a roller coaster ride to say the least!"
JAKE SHADES: "Let's hope he makes a triumphant exit in a hurry! This guy makes me want to have a painful bowel movement!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "Jean Rabesque represents tradition and honor in this sport, and even though he didn't start his career on the right side of the fence, he has become quite a respected individual in the sport!"
J.S.: "Even though this Gunnz guy looks like a reject from a Dr. Dre video, I hope he puts the smack down on this Canadian candy-ass, to coin a phrase!"
T.R.: "Gunnz and Rabesque begin to circle each other and lock it up! Smart move by Gunnz to not attack right away because Rabesque is too seasoned for anything like that!"
V.A.: "What a huge victory this could be for Gunnz if he could beat Rabesque here in Chicago! He would be an automatic title contender!"
J.S.: "Yeah, and MWG would kick him in the ass so hard, he would fly right over Newark and land in the Atlantic Ocean! This guy isn't even from Newark! I'm sure my good friends in Newark don't appreciate that at all!"
T.R.: "You don't have any friends in Newark! You don't have any friends period!"
J.S.: "Ever hear of Eddie 'The Fist' Carlotta? How about "The Big Salami" Jimmy Franzelli?"
T.R.: "Fictional characters in your head? Rabesque has Gunnz in a headlock and he pulls him to the mat and "The Extreme" tries to power out of it but can't! He gets back to a standing position and pushes Rabesque into the ropes and he shoulderblocks the Montreal native down! Gunnz goes for a snap legdrop but Rabesque was too quick for him, he rolls out of the way!"
V.A.: "Rabesque has all the tools speed, strength, intelligence, and ring savvy! He's another guy in the FWF that's one step away from a title!"
J.S.: "Rabesque is one step away from a beating if he ever even gets close to MWG! Everybody better put their title dreams away because it ain't happening anytime soon!"
T.R.: "Again with the cheerleading! Rabesque has the advantage again and he suplexes Gunnz! Big fistdrop and a cover! 1-2-kickout!" TONY ROSS: "Rabesque comes off the ropes and drops an elbow on Gunnz! Rabesque goes right down to the mat and applies a chicken wing! Gunnz is in the middle of the ring and has nowhere to go, and Rabesque really has that hold cinched in!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "Gunnz had better find a way to get to the ropes because Rabesque is not letting go of that hold!"
T.R.: "Whoah! Gunnz got lucky and poked Rabesque in the eye as he was flailing with his free arm! The hold is broken and Gunnz rolls to the corner for a breather with Rabesque temporarily blinded! Gunnz rushes Rabesque and he gets flipped right over the top rope and he lands hard on the floor!! Ouch!"
V.A.: "And Rabesque is going to follow him right outb there! Can Rabesque outbrawl Gunnz!?"
J.S.: "If that Quebec queer gets any closer I'm gonna have to smack him!"
T.R.: "Calm down, tough guy! Rabesque will chew you up and spit you out before you can call for mommy!"
J.S.: "My mommy could whip Rabesque!"
T.R.: "Rabesque runs Gunnz into the post! No! Gunnz blocks and sends Rabesque shoulder first into the steel and that hurt him bad! Rabesque hits the floor favoring that shoulder and Gunnz is going for the steel steps! He's going to pick them up, and once again, William Bennett has to intervene to prevent rules from being broken!"
V.A.: "You don't mess with Big Willy, and that is definietly the case here because he just forced Gunnz to drop the stairs!"
J.S.: "Why can't he just mind his own business!? Didn't he see that Gunnz was going to do the world a favor and cripple this fruitcake!?"
T.R.: "Bennett is doing his job, something you have a very hard time doing and actually couldn't do if you tried! That bought Rabesque some time and he clotheslines Gunnz who was arguing with Bennett! Rabesque, with his shoulder still smarting, dumps Gunnz back into the ring, and he's going to go up top!! He doesn't go up there too often! he comes down with an axehandle but Gunnz catches him in the midsection! They hit each other and both men are down as Bennett counts!"
V.A.: "I don't think Rabesque hit Gunnz very hard, but it was enough to get him down and Gunnz is the first one up!"
T.R.: "Gunnz measures Rabesque with a forearm to the head and he pulls the former World Champion to his feet and he drills Rabesque with a super kick!! A cover!! 1-2-Kickout! He really cracked Rabesque's jaw with that!"
J.S.: "Good, now maybe we'll be spared from his pathetic ramblings for a while!"
T.R.: "Gunnz has the advantage now and DDTs Rabesque! Wow! Gunnz is going up top! What could this be! He's on the top rope and here he comes!! Oh my!! A moonsault legdrop but Rabesque just barely got out of the way!!"
V.A.: "I think he did barely nick Rabesque's head, but he defintely did not get the full effect of that spectacular move!"
JAKE SHADES: "Too bad!"
TONY ROSS: "The crowd is roaring for Rabesque to get up and he uses the ropes! This could be his chance! He grabs the leg of Gunnz and drops an elbow to the knee!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "He's going to set him up for the figure four!"
J.S.: "You don't miss anything, do you, Victoria? I'm glad Lebron dug you up from that correspondance school!"
T.R.: "Another elbow to the knee of Gunnz! He pulls Gunnz up and whips him in and ohh!! Rabesque dives at the knee and Gunnz does a flip in mid air! Rabesque quickly is up and grabs the leg and this is it!! The figure 4 is on!! He's too close to the ropes!! Gunnz grabs the rope and the hold is broken!"
V.A.: "Rabesque did not drag Gunnz to the middle of the ring and now he is paying for it!"
J.S.: "The big dummy!!"
T.R.: "Gunnz rolls out to the apron and stands up and tries to get a break here, but Rabesque fights through Bennett and ohhh!! He just dropkicked Gunnz right in the knee and he fell awkwardly on the floor, and he looks to be very hurt! Did you see the way he landed!?"
V.A.: "I think Gunnz has severely twisted or sprained his knee here and he can't get up! Rabesque is in the ring as Bennett makes the count!"
T.R.: "Gunnz is not going anywhere as Bennett makes it to 10 and that will be all! Ranbesque will win by countout, but he is not too happy about it!"
J.S.: "If he wasn't so stupid and if he played by the rules, he would have let Gunnz back in the ring so he could get his all-important pinfall or submission! But he has to settle for the countout win and I'm laughing at the moron! Ha ha!"
T.R.: "Gunnz is getting some medical attention now as Rabesque leaves the ringside area! As soon as Gunnz is helped away from ringside, it will be time for the main event!!"
J.S.: "And a Madonna Wayne Grossard victory!"
(The camera once again pans around the United Center and zooms in on some local celebrities on hand for the first FWF PPV. Jerry Springer, who's show originates in Chicago is shown, along with Jim Flanigan and Mark Thomas of the Chicago Bears. Chris Chelios, Tony Amonte, and Bob Probert are on hand from the Blackhawks as well as local Fox WFLD sportscaster Bruce Wolf. Chet Coppock of Chevrolet Sportsfire is shown speaking with former NFWA announcer Rick Wiseman. Then all the lights go out in the building and the fans roar. A voice is heard on the PA. CUE-UP: "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project (the Bulls introduction music)
VOICE: "For 3 months now, combatants in the Frontier Wrestling Federation have battled to get to this moment, the moment of truth. Tonight, the National and United States Frontier Champions will be decided, and 5 men will engage in a fierce battle to win these prestigious titles. May the best man win. For only the best man will.....SURVIVE!!"
(CUE-UP: "Unholy" by Kiss)
PAUL KRAMER: "It is now time for the 5 man Elimination Mayhem Match to decide the FWF champions! The winner will receive the National Championship and the runner-up will recieve the United States Frontier Championship!! The first competitor, from Death Valley, weighing in at 325lbs., "ANTI-CHRIST" XAVIER OSBOURNE!!"
(The crowd literally erupts in boos but Osbourne does not emerge from behind the curtains. CUE-UP: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred)
P.K.: "From Sacramento, California, weighing in at 231lbs., "BOY TOY" BEAU MICHAELS!!"
(Michaels comes to the ring hearing mostly boos but a lot of screaming from the female fans is heard)
P.K.: "From Dallas, Texas, weighing in at 250lbs., BERSERKER DAVE!!"
(The crowd roars with cheers as Dave runs wildly down the aisle and practically runs right into the ring apron and starts bouncing off the railing around the ring, slapping hands here and there. He finally slows down and rolls into the ring and makes an obscene gesture at Michaels, who returns the favor. CUE-UP: "Hooker With a Penis" by Tool)
P.K.: "From Highland, Texas, weighing in at 242lbs., MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD!! He is accompanied by Tim!"
(The crowd pops something fierce with a mixed reaction, mostly boos, as MWG and Tim come slowly to the ring, with MWG taunting several fans. He is wearing a pink mini-skirt and a black T-shirt, with smeared mascara. Tim is wearing his Barney the dinosaur mask. CUE-UP: "Nobody's Fault" by Aerosmith)
P.K.: "And finally, from Boston, Massachusetts, weighing in at 245lbs., he is HELIX!!"
(The crowd explodes as Helix makes his way to the ring, slapping as many hands as he can, yet remaining very focused on the ring with a stern look on his face. He is sporting a black trenchcoat and baggy black pants. MWG imitates a masturbatory act at Helix as he climbs in. The lights come back on)
TONY ROSS: "We are set to go here in Chicago, we are finally going to crown our first champions after three months of jockeying for position in the rankings!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "Tony, Xavier Osbourne is finally coming to the ring, and he has his attorney, Damian Hellstorm!"
T.R.: "What is this all about?"
JAKE SHADES: "Maybe Hellstrom is going to wrestle for Osbourne, since he's shown more guts than his client!"
T.R.: "I thought you liked Osbourne!"
J.S.: "Not when you lie about being guaranteed a title in the FWF! I know Lebron better than that, it ain't gonna happen! We're not stupid!"
T.R.: "Osbourne has the mic!"
XAVIER OSBOURNE: "Shut up!! As I have already stated, the FWF has reneged on their contract offer, as Scott Malec so vividly illustrated earlier in the week! Therefore I am NOT wrestling here tonight in Chicago and I am OUT of the FWF!"
DAMIAN HELLSTROM: "That is correct, my client has nothing further to due with the Frontier Wrestling Federation, and Mrs. Lebron, Malec, and McCann can expect lawsuits in the near future!"
T.R.: "Oh my!! Berserker Dave just grabbed Osbourne by the hair and pulled him over the top rope into the ring!! The bell rings and here we go! Osbourne is in this whether he likes it or not!"
V.A.: "Hellstrom is yelling at ringside to anyone who cares, which is nobody!"
J.S.: "I must say, that was quite amusing, but if I was Hellstrom, I'd go in there with a chair and clean Berserker Dave's clock, because I know Osbourne won't! I've seen more backbone in jellyfish!"
T.R.: "Michaels and Madonna Wayne Grossard are double teaming Helix as Dave and Osbourne are ripping into each other! Osbourne looks like he's trying to pull away from Dave and he won't let him! Dave lifts Osbourne up and implant slams him!! Wow! Osbourne isn't going anywhere now!"
V.A.: "I'm a little surprised at Michaels and MWG teaming up, Michaels attacked MWG's former partner, Pop Culture's Superhero in the past! Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon!"
T.R.: "Wow! MWG just pulverized Michael's crotch area with an uppercut blow, and Michaels could be already out of this! MWG turns his attention to Helix as Michaels rolls around in agony!"
J.S.: "I don't think there's a hormone in the world that can help Michaels now!"
T.R.: "Dave continues his assault on Osbourne! He's biting the ear of "Anti-Christ"! Osbourne is yelling for his life! Berserker Dave pulls him up and ohh!!!! Ha ha ha ha!! Did you see that!!?? Berserker Dave has just given Xavier Osbourne the wedgy of his life!! He pushes Osbourne to the floor and he gets up and runs to the back with Hellstrom close behind! I think we've seen the last of Xavier Osbourne!"
JAKE SHADES: "And from that view, we could literally see that he stained his drawers! Osbourne's gonna need an ice scraper to get some of them skid marks off!"
TONY ROSS: "Shades, that was disgusting, but I have to agree with you! Dave now goes over and assists Helix, who MWG was assaulting, and MWG levels Dave with a clothesline! Michaels is still down and Helix is slumped int he corner! MWG pulls Dave up and rakes his eyes! He pushes Dave into the corner andbegins choking him! Dave sinks to the mat but Helix is up! He rams both MWG and Dave in the corner and both men go down!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "We now have only 4 men in this battle, 3 if you count Michaels out because he is still down and out on the mat wishing he wasn't here! I've never seen anybody hit so hard there!"
J.S.: "Just say it, Vicky! He got hit in the....."
T.R.: (interrupting) Helix pulls MWG up and whips him in! Big backdrop! Helix drops an elbow!"
J.S.: "If you ever interrupt me like that again I'll...
T.R.: (interrupting again) Dave dives at Helix but he's out of the way! Dave turns and gets booted in the stomach and Helix grabs him by the hair and rams him headfirst into the mat! Helix is in control!"
V.A.: "Michaels has made it to his feet! Is he capable of competing here!?"
T.R.: "Helix whips Dave into the corner and goes full speed in after him but Dave gets a boot up and Hleix goes flying!! Dave takes a breather as MWG sees Michaels staggering around on his feet! MWG measures him and ohhh!!!!! Good Lord!! Chicago Bears plackicker Jef Jaeger would have been proud of that one!! MWG just went for the field goal on Michaels' privates!! Michaels just collapsed in a heap on the mat, and I don't think he can breath! MWG covers!! 1-2-3!! Michaels is eliminated after that devastating assault on his crotch region!"
J.S.: "That's why I like MWG, he knows how to hurt a man and he's not afraid of doing it! And if you interrupt me again Ross, I'm gonna have MWG put the boots to YOUR sack, too!"
T.R.: "It's just Madonna Wayne Grossard, Helix, and Berserker Dave now! Dave and Helix are tied up in the corner and MWG pulls Dave off of Helix and pokes him square in the eye! Testicular Claw!! I have never seen a man attack the weak spot of men like Grossard does! Dave is screaming in agony as he reaches for the ropes and makes it! MWG won't let go!! Referee Stu Fields is trying to pry him off but he won't budge! Ohhh!! Helix just kicked MWG in the back of the head! MWG staggers and gets bulldogged down by Helix! A cover! 1-2-Kickout!!"
V.A.: "That is the disadvantage to this match! You can be in complete control on somebody, and the other guy can attack from behind! No one is truly safe here!"
J.S.: "No one is truly safe as long as Madonna Wayne Grossard is in the FWF!"
T.R.: "Shades, you can cheerlead all you want, but this match isn't over! Dave recuperates in the corner as Helix kicks away at the head of MWG! He pulls the Highland, Texas native up and whips him in!! Vicious spinebuster!! This crowd is electric as Helix raises his arms to the crowd!!"
TONY ROSS: "Helix comes off the ropes! Big splash!! MWG gets the knees up, ohh!!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "That realy knocked the wind out of Helix, but Berserker Dave is back up and appears recovered! MWG may have to fight off two men now!"
JAKE SHADES: "Of course he has to fight off two men, these two jerks are babyfaces and they're all alike, they stick together!"
T.R.: "Wrong! Dave jumps on Helix even though MWG is the one that applied that claw! Dave pounds away on Helix but then he gets up and goes after MWG in an even bigger fury, and they go tumbling out of the ring!! Look out Paul Kramer! Both men get right up as if they never felt the floor hit them! Rights and lefts are being exchanged!"
V.A.: "These two men are running on adrenaline here, they're not even feeling each other's punches! Look out, because Helis is back up!"
T.R.: "Helix backs up and runs towards the ropes!! Oh my!!! Helix does a swan dive over the ropes and onto both Dave and MWG!! Unbelievable!! Listen to the crowd! He caught a lot of air on that one! Helix is up and he grabs MWG by the hair and whips him into the railing back first! Dave attacks Helix from behind and he falls right into MWG and they crack heads!! Wow!!"
V.A.: "I think MWG got the worst of that because the back of his head hit the railing! MWG is in a whole lot of trouble now!"
T.R.: "The wild man known as Berserker Dave yells at the crowd and they respond as he pulls Helix up and dumps him back into the ring! Dave is going up top!! This is strange territory for the Metroplex Madman!"
J.S.: "Metroplex Madman!? Did you take all day to think of that yourself!?"
T.R.: "Shut up, Shades, I'm calling a match here! Helix is up and he nails Dave in the gut and he crotches himself on the turnbuckle!! Ouch! Helix goes up top!! MWG is up as well! MWG climbs up there with Helix and Dave!! Helix and MWG start punching each other! Helix grabs dave by the waist and belly to backs him off and MWG follows!! Ohhh!!! All 3 men hit the mat together!!"
V.A.: "What a series of events that was! All 3 men hit the mat together and nobody is moving right now!"
T.R.: "These men are hungry for a title and they want it more than anything else!"
J.S.: "They're also hungry for a little food, their reward for winning this match because Lebron pays them in peanuts!"
T.R.: "Oh, knock it off already! Helix is up first but MWG grabs him and small packages him!! 1-2-Kickout! Almost a surprise pin there! MWG and Helix are up at the same time and Helix ducks a clothesline and MWG ducks one from Helix and MWG drills him with a solid forearm and backs him into the ropes and whips him in! Reverse elbow to the throat and Helix is fighting for air!"
V.A.: "Good strategy by Grossard! Cut off the air of Helix so he has to fight to catch his breath and lose energy!"
J.S.: "Any MWG strategy is a good one! He's got something up his sleeve here, you watch!" TONY ROSS: "MWG pulls Helix up and hooks him for a suplex! Helix blocks! MWG tries to knee him in the groin but Helix blocks that too and hoists MWG up!! Brainbuster!! Dave rolls over and pins MWG!! 1-2-No!! Dave tried to take advantage of that situation!!"
JAKE SHADES: "Wow, that was a pretty smart move by the big moron! He may actually have a future in this sport!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "I have to say that Helix has the advantage here! Dave and Grossard were already in that tag team battle royal tonight and have less gas in their tanks after that!"
J.S.: "I'm sure Dave has enough in his reserves after that burrito I seen him chowing on in the back!"
T.R.: "Helix and Dave are now in each other's faces and arguing and MWG rams their heads together!! You can hear the cracking of skulls over on Michigan Avenue! Both men are down and MWG can't decide who to pin! He hesitated too long as Dave gets some revenge and kicks him in the groin from the mat!! MWG doubles over and DDTs him!!"
V.A.: "Dave has to take advantage now if he wants to guarantee himself a title! What an upset it would be!"
T.R.: "Dave rolls over for the pin! 1-2-Kickout! Dave is up slowly and pulls MWG to his feet! He whips him in and kicks MWG in the stomach! He grabs MWG and hooks him up! Cradle suplex!! He nails it!! Helix holds MWG's free leg!! 1-2-3!! MWG has been pinned and eliminated!! Wait!! Helix grabs Dave almost immediately and slaps on the Helix-choke hold, that double arm cross face submission hold!! Dave can't hold out!!"
V.A.: "How long can Dave sustain the pain!! He will definitely win a title here but is it worth risking injury to get the National Title! Look at the agony on his face!!"
J.S.: "What about MWG!!?? Those two jerks CHEATED!! They both pinned him!! I can't freakin' believe it!!"
T.R.: "Helix has him inthe middle of the ring and he taps out!! That's it!! It's over!! The FWF champions are now decided!! Helix is the National Champion and Berserker Dave is the US Frontier Champ! Oh, what a match!"
V.A.: "Madonna Wayne Grossard is not done yet! Tim is in the ring and MWG is beet red with anger!!"
T.R.: "MWG rushes Helix and knocks him clear out of the ring and he goes face first into the timekeeper's table!! Wow!! MWG is in a frenzy now! He pulls Dave up and drags him to the ropes!! He's tying Dave's arms up and he can't free himself! The garbage is beginning to rain into the ring!!"
V.A.: "Tim just grabbed a one of the portable cameras from one of our crew!! What is he doing!?"
J.S.: "Yeah, yeah!! Get him, Tim!! Get him!!"
T.R.: "Tim brings the camera in and hands it over to Grossard! Grossard hoists the camera over his head to show the crowd and we all know how mortally afraid Dave is of cameras!! Look at this! he has it right in Dave's face and he's taunting him with it! Grossard puts it on his shoulders and now he's pretending to film and he's right in Dave's face!!"
VICTOR ALVAREZ: "Look at how Dave is squirming to get free! He is in complete terror of that thing and this place is screaming for MWG's blood!"
JAKE SHADES: "This is great television right here!! Ha ha ha!! Berserker Dave, live and in living color! MWG would make a great director! Move over Speilberg!"
TONY ROSS: "He's taking the camera off his shoulders now and and he lifts it again!! Nooooooooo!!!!!! (SFX: CCrrraaacckkkk!!!!) Oh dear Lord!! I can't believe what we just saw!! Madonna Wayne Grossard has just taken a $5000 video camera and destroyed it over Dave's head!! Dave is now a bloody mess and is just hanging limply from the ropes!! MWG and Tim are doing a dance in the ring as the fans continue the onslaught of garbage!!"
J.S.: "Dave deserves this! MWG was cheated and I demand that he gets a rematch as soon as possible! MWG had every right to do this! Oh no...."
T.R.: "Helix is up and he grabs the timekeeper's bell!! Helix dives into the ring and MWG turns!! (SFX: CLANNNNNGGG!!) Whoooaahhhh!!! What a shot from Helix!! He goes after Tim!! (SFX: CCCRRRAAAANNNGGG!!!!) Helix has laid out both MWG and Tim and this crowd loves it!! The United Center is coming apart as Helix is handed his FWF National Title belt!! Helix goes to the corner and up top to display his belt to the crowd and they roar in approval!"
V.A.: "Helix has risen above all odds and is standing tall above this scene of carnage! What a brutal main event!"
T.R.: "Let's not forget that Berserker Dave will get the United States Frontier Title but is in no shape to get it as he is just now being released from the ropes and some Chicago EMTs are here to get him out to an ambulance!"
J.S.: "And MWG goes home with nothing!? What kind of B.S. is that!? First, he gets screwed by teaming up with that wimp Goldwire and loses the battle royal to those two retards Geek and Gay-boy, and now he gets stuck in the rear by these two clowns! What is this world coming to!? If Pop Culture's Superhero was around, this would have never happened!"
T.R.: "Helix is raising his belt tall at all four corners of the ring, showing it to all parts of the crowd! He has worked very hard for this and come a long way from the streets of Boston!"
V.A.: "If you remember the street thugs that kept attacking him, you've seen that he has had to overcome the influence of a gang to get where he is now, and the FWF is proud to have him as champion!"
T.R.: "Fans, we are out of time! Be sure to see our next show out of Milwaukee for lots more FWF action in the weeks to come! So long, everybody!"
J.S.: "I WANT JUSTICE!!"
(CUE-UP: "Raise Your Glasses" by KISS. Fade to highlights and credits)