America West Arena - Promoter Joe LeBron
PHOENIX HOUSE CARD
(FADE IN:..... to a glass door with the words "Frontier Wrestling Federation" written at eye level. Out of the cameras views we hear the unmistakable sounds of approaching foot steps, accompanied by muffled cursing. As the muffled obscenities become louder, the figure appears in our view, carrying a briefcase and sporting a hat which obscures his features. He curses louder as he fumbles with the keys to door. Finally getting the door open he makes his way to the elevator and disappears into it. When the door opens again the stranger emerges from the elevator, his features still obscurred and still muttering obscenities. He walks directly to another door which reads FWF Studio. As he enters he places the briefcase down and walks over to the coffee machine and prepares a cup. He then sits down and starts flicking switches on a control panel. After a few moments of this he begins pulls a brown paper bag out of his briefcase and pours some of the contents into the coffee. He sighs heavily as he eases back in his chair and takes off his hat revealing the bald head of the man unmistakeably known as ..... JAKE SHADES! He pulls a mic towards him and takes another sip of his spiked coffee before he begins speaking....)
JAKE SHADES: (sighs heavily) Well, let's see know..... Ross takes a personal day and Alvarez calls in "sick", claims he has a damn headache, and WHO gets left holding the bag? YOURS TRULY!! It's not enough that Hacker did a number on me last night at Salt Lake City, nearly breaking my back but do Malec and LeBron care!? They're just too damn CHEAP to hire another commentator so they decide to have me come straight from the hospital and pull double duty by hosting this damn House Show! Well, Malec, LeBron, I'm letting you know right now that ya better figure on having SOME ONE ELSE hosting next time because I got better things to do with my free time! (takes another sip of his spiked coffee and then smiles....) Okay, now that that's been said, on with this damn show!
(pulls the paper bag out once again and pours some more of it into his coffee. He takes a long sip and then, with a more relaxed look on his face, he continues to speak....)
JAKE SHADES: Aaaaaahhhhh.... Alrighty everyone, welcome to the FWF's taped presentation of the Phoenix House Show. (burrrrrp) 'Scuse me... okay our first match involved tag team action with the Lost Souls taking on newcomers to the FWA.... ummmm... 'scuse me, I mean the FWF, yeah... the FWF.... like I was say.... (hiccup) the Lost Souls took on newcomers Stars & Stripes. Not much is known about this new tag team but they were .... they were.... what the hell, why should I waste my breath here.... that's why we have the video tape!
(flicks a switch and the cameras focus on the tape monitor which shows the Stars & Stripes vs Lost Souls match already in progress.....:
Cutto clips of Punisher of the Lost Souls being double teamed by both Stars & Stripes as Hybrid rushes in only to be decapitated by a boot to the face by Stars of the Stars & Stripes team.....
Cutto clips of Stars and Stripes applying their finisher, Old Glory by putting Hybrid into the torture rack while Stripes climbs to the top rope. Stripes makes the cut throat gesture before executing a flying elbow to the victim's head. Stripes then rolls up Hybrid into a pin for the 3 count as Stars clotheslines the rushing Punisher over the top rope!
Cut back to Jake Shades.....)
JAKE SHADES: Talk about TOTAL domination USA style eh? Stars & Stripes totally dismantled the Lost Souls arsenal and then dropped them with the ultimate bomb... OLD GLORY!! And so the Lost Souls... being true to their names.... LOST!!! HAHAHHAHAHAH!!! Okay now, enough with this patriotic crap..... the next match featured relative new comer Chip "The Chump".... err... wait, I mean "The Champ" yeah... Chip "The Champ" Parker versus Hacker. Now THIS match was just the way I like 'em! Short and BRUTAL! Here... watch what I mean....
(CUTTO the monitor which begins showing Hacker totally dominating Chip "The Champ" Parker....
CUTTO Hacker powerslamming Chip Parker....
CUTTO Hacker piledriving Chip Parker....
CUTTO Hacker chokeslamming Chip Parker....
CUTTO Hacker delivering a brutal backbreaker on Chip Parker and apparently injuring him in the process....
CUTTO Hacker trapping Chip Parker in a Boston Crab and screaming in agony as he quickly taps out giving Hacker the submission win...
CUTTO Hacker and Data kissing passionately in the middle of the ring as EMTs carry the severely injured Chip Parker out in a brace and stretcher......)
JAKE SHADES: Man, now THAT is what I call entertainment!! First ya break yer opponent's back then ya enjoy yer woman! Way to go Hacker! And Chip "The Chimp".... errr.. I mean "Chump".... no wait.... oh what the hell... Chipster..... hope yer insurance is paid up 'cause it REALLY looks as if yer gonna need it! (burps loudly....) 'scuse me... okay, on to the next match.... (takes another long sip of his spiked coffee....) Okay now... where was I? Oh yeah.... following that match we had yet another newcomer, Lars Magellan versus Conflict. (Yawns loudly....) 'Scuse me... drinking "coffee" always seems to have this effect on me, heheheheheh.... anyhow, let's go to the video tape!
(CUTTO the monitor which shows the Magellan/Conflict match already in progress.....
CUTTO Magellan and Conflict trading blows in the middle of the ring....
CUTTO Conflict leaping of the turnbuckle with a big elbow only to miss his mark as Magellan rolls away at the last minute.....
CUTTO Magellan hitting a running bulldog on Conflict and rolling him over for the pin but only getting a 2 count.....
CUTTO Conflict surprising Magellan with an inside cradle but only getting a 2 count as Magellan breaks free and then starts stomping on Conflict.....
Suddenly the image on the monitor freezes as Shades interrupts...)
JAKE SHADES: As ya can see, this match kept bouncing back and forth like a friggin' rubber check...... but just when ya think this match will never end......
(Shades unfreezes the frame and the video continues to play....
CUTTO Magellan and Conflict going absolutely berzerk in the middle of the ring.... rolling around on the floor, punching, kicking.... the time limit bell ringing does nothing to stop these two as they continue to battle while officials jump into the ring to break up the melee....)
JAKE SHADES: Yeah, nothing was resolved in that match as they had to settle for a DRAW for now, but I'm sure they both have their sights set on resuming this unsettled issue soon enough..... Okay... let's see, that was the fourth, NO... the third match! The fourth match involved the guy with the worst luck in the league, JD Badluck himself against lil' Jean Rabesque's homey, Pierre LaRue! Oh damn! (farts loudly and begins to fan his rear....) Must be that "medicine" that the hospital gave me to put in my coffee.... Ugghhhh.... (winces as he clutches at his stomach....) Uh oh.... I feel a LOAD comin' down... I'm gonna just let you guys view the highlights of this one as I go and do ma thin'!
(Reaches over and presses play on the monitor and then rushes out of view to what can only be assumed is to the nearest restroom.....
CUTTO clips of the JD Badluck/Pierre LaRue match already in progress....
CUTTO Badluck catching LaRue by surprise with a somersault plancha off the top rope..... hooking the leg for a 2 count but LaRue kicks out and rakes the eyes of Badluck and follows it up with a reverse neck breaker..... elbow drop by LaRue finding its mark not once but three times.... LaRue going for the pin but only getting a 2 count....
CUTTO LaRue clotheslining Badluck over the top rope..... LaRue going to the top turnbuckle, leaping but colliding with the barricades as Badluck moves out of the way. Badluck introducing the LaRue's head to the ring post......
CUTTO LaRue mulekicking Badluck in the stomach and following it up with a DDT...... LaRue pulling Badluck to his feet, setting him up for a suplex but Badluck reversing it with a small package getting the three count......
CUTTO to a blank screen and a long period of silence as the tape apparently has reached it's end........
After a few more minutes of blackness and silence the Monitor is abruptly shut off and we now have static for a few seconds until....)
JAKE SHADES: Whoops, sorry 'bout that, but hey, some things just can't be rushed now can they? Hehehehehe.... okay let's see what we got here.....
(Begins to rewind the tape a little until he realizes at what point he's at......)
JAKE SHADES: Okay, so ya just saw Badluck's luck change as he surprised lil' Frenchy Pierre LaRue with a small package, then again, those Frenchies aren't too bright, I mean look at their number one hero, Jean Rabesque...... Need I say more? What you didn't see however was after the match, Conflict, wearing a BYW Killer shirt, jumping JD's manager, AJ Badluck from behind, and putting him in a reverse DDT. What exactly that was all about, I have no idea, but then again, WHO CARES?!? IT WAS GREAT AND I LOVED IT!! That's what we need more of..... blatant meaningless attacks from out of nowhere! Okay enough of that, NEXT MATCH.... let's see who we got here.... (picks up a sheet of paper and traces with his finger down a list.....) Okay.... next was the team of Fed Up's RJ Harris and Brandon Goodbay going against newcomers Harrington and Caitoff, members of LTK, better known as Licensed To Kill. The match had an interesting twist to it..... lets watch the following highlights so you can see for yourself......
(CUTTO the monitor once again as clips of the match start to run.....
CUTTO Harrington muscling RJ Harris into their corner where Caitoff immediately takes advantages with a few kicks to the ribs. Goodbay quickly intervenes and we have all four men in the ring battling it out......
CUTTO Harrington sidewalk slamming RJ Harris to the mat while Brandon Goodbay hits Caitoff with a piledriver......
CUTTO License To Kill's Harrington pinning RJ Harris while Fed Up's Brandon Goodbay pins Caitoff...... The ref dropping down between both pins and slapping the three count.....
CUTTO both teams raising their hands in victory as the bell rings....
CUTTO the ref awarding the win to License To Kill as Harrington and RJ Harris were evidently the LEGAL men in the ring.....)
JAKE SHADES: Yep, that'll do ya in every time.... gotta pay attention in there Fed Up!! Hehehehehe (pours some more of the contents of the brown paper bag into another cup of coffee.....) Aaaahhhh, that REALLY hits the spot..... makes this job that much more bearable, anywho, I believe we had the MAN himself, "The Ikon" Abel Wicks against another newcomer trying to make a name for himself .... um.... what's that name again, oh yes, "Gentleman" Alex Graham! 'Kay, let's go to the video tape!
(Monitor comes on but no images appear.... instead only static is heard and seen....)
JAKE SHADES: What the (BLEEP)?! Uh oh.... DAMN! I hate when that happens.... (BLEEP)!! Looks like I accidentally erased the tape! DAMN LEBRON AND MALEC FOR BUYING CHEAP TAPES! Oh well, (sighs heavily) there really wasn't much to this match at all... actually the match never even made it to the ring as Wicks attacked Graham on his way to the ring! They um.... let's see if I remember correctly.... oh yeah.... they battled up and down the aisles... at one point they even started battling through area where the fans where.... eventually they battled all the way back to the dressing rooms at which point the ref, proving just what a JERK he is, ruled it a NO CONTEST! The nerve of him! I mean even a blind man could see that Wicks was getting the better of Graham and woulda eventually made him submit! Then again, I'm not surprised, after all those IDIOTS Malec and LeBron have it in for Wicks and they'll stop at nothing to try and screw him! So officially that match goes into the record books as an NC. No matter though, 'cause no matter how hard they try, the Wickster always rises to the top! Anyhow, on to the next match which involved the up and coming team of the Candidates, formerly known as the Odd Couple, as they took on Bad Company! This was a wild brawl from start to finish as you'll soon see....
(CUTTO the monitor as it shows clips of the match already in progress....
CUTTO Nickson whipping Alan Thompson into the ropes, telegraphing the intended back body drop and Thompson front face DDTing him to the mat! ..... Thompson going for the pin on Nickson only to have it broken up by a Raygan boot to the head.....
CUTTO Hank Thompson landing a series of chops across Raygan's throat.... Hank forcing him into the corner, climbing to the second rope and pummeling Raygan with repeated lefts to the head...... Raygan lifting Hank up and out of the corner and hitting an atomic drop......
CUTTO The Candidates apparently in total control of the match as they set up Hank Thompson for their finisher, "When Worlds Collide" but are suddenly attacked by members of the BYW Brigade! BYWer George W Bush locks Nickson Cross Face Right Wing while Whitedust sneaks up behind Raygan and knocks him off the top rope! The ref immediately calls for the bell DQing Bad Company, who, enraged by the BYW Brigade costing them the match, attack Whitedust and George W. Bush. Soon BYW charter members Hardcore Folk Singer, and Robot Boy join in and a free for all ensues as security rushes in to try and restore order.....)
JAKE SHADES: So The Candidates get the cheap win, ironically with a little help from their enemies. They hardly come any wilder than that and I'm sure that we haven't heard the last from any of them. Now we saw wild, now let's take a gander at brutal as Pandorians Kraven & Flatliner waged war against the Cat Pack!
(Gets cued from the tech who sits behind the glass partition.....)
TECH: Umm... Mr. Shades, we can't air the clips of that match....
JAKE SHADES: And why not?!
TECH: Umm... The clips from that tape are just TOO graphic to air. We'll get sued by the FCC if we do.
JAKE SHADES: So what the (BLEEP) do I care?! Roll that tape!
TECH: Umm.... No sir.
JAKE SHADES: NO?! You telling ME no?!
TECH: Umm.... yes sir.
JAKE SHADES: What now you're changing your mind? Which is it? Yes you'll show it or no you refuse to show it?
TECH: Umm.... No I can't allow the airing of that tape..... orders from the Malec and LeBron.
JAKE SHADES: Screw them! Wait 'til Manson hears of this!
TECH: Umm.... Sir? Manson DOES know about this but I DON'T take orders from him. I take MY orders from Malec and LeBron.
JAKE SHADES: You (BLEEP) brown nosing loser! So what am I supposed to do without a highlight reel?
TECH: Umm.... Malec and LeBron anticipated you would ask that and they suggested, and I quote them.... "Do your DAMN job and RE-CAP the damn match or find yourself on the unemployment line!"
JAKE SHADES: (mumbling obscenities beneath his breath....) They want a recap?! FINE! Hows this for a recap?! KRAVEN, FLATLINER AND THE CAT PACK BEAT EACH OTHER TO A (BLEEP) BLOODY PULP! BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE! OH NO! NOT BY A LONG SHOT! CAT PACK's BOYS, FLAVEN AND KRATLINER RUSH THE RINGSIDE AREA AND ATTACH CZAR BUT CZAR BEATS THE (BLEEP) OUTTA THEM AND CHASES THEIR (BLEEP) ASSES OUTTA RINGS SIDE! MEANWHILE, ICEKOLD JUMPS TO THE (BLEEP) APRON AND TOSSES SOME (BLEEP) LIVE FIRECRACKERS INTO FLATLINER'S FACE!! THIS OF COURSE ONLY SERVED TO PISS THE (BLEEP) OUTTA THOSE (BLEEP) PANDORIANS AND THEY STARTED TO BEAT THE LIVING (BLEEP) OUTTA THE CAT PACK! THE REF TRIES TO INTERVENE AND GETS THE (BLEEP) BEATEN OUTTA HIM BY THE ENRAGED PANDORIANS! (BLEEP) BLOOD FLIES EVERY (BLEEP) WHERE AND IT ENDS WITH FLATLINER AND KRAVEN GETTING (BLEEP) DQed FOR NOT ONLY REFUSING TO LISTEN TO THE (BLEEP) REF BUT FOR BEATING THE LIVING (BLEEP) OUTTA HIS (BLEEP) ASS! HOW'S THAT FOR A (BLEEP) RECAP YOU (BLEEP) MORON!?!
TECH: Umm.... I managed to censor all your obscenities so, yep, I suppose that'll be fine.
JAKE SHADES: (mumbling...) (BLEEP) Moron! Where's the tape for the main event you imbecile?!
TECH: Umm.... on top of the monitor Mr. Shades.
JAKE SHADES: (slams his hand down on the tape and jams it hard into the monitor's feed.... takes a long sip of his spiked coffee, then sighs heavily before continuing.....) Now finally, down to the last match. The MAIN EVENT which saw Black Sage and 1/2 tag champ Darren "THE LOSER" McMillan against ma boys Ricky Kabe and Billy Matthews!
(CUTTO clips from that match.....
CUTTO Black Sage dominating Matthews with power moves.....
CUTTO Darren McMillan surprising Ricky Kabe with an onslaught of aerial tactics....
Suddenly the tape gets pulled out of the monitor's feed....)
JAKE SHADES: What the HELL is this?! This tape's been edited! Where are the parts showing ma boys beatin' the crap outta McNoodle and Sage?!
TECH: Umm.... Mr. Shades, that IS the tape and it has NOT been edited. That is the RAW footage of the match.
JAKE SHADES: (mumbling again as he pushes it back in and presses play again.....)
(CUTTO Black Sage landing a devasting back breaker on Ricky Kabe....
CUTTO Black Sage powerbombing Billy Matthews into the turnbuckle....)
JAKE SHADES: SCREW THIS CRAP!!
(pushes the fast forward button and we immediately see the highlights from that match in high speed..... this continues on for a few seconds until we reach the near end of the match.....)
JAKE SHADES: Okay... now here's what's REALLY important about this match.... not that "edited" crap you saw earlier!
(presses the play button....
CUTTO McMillan and Matthews trading blows in the middle of the ring as the Cat Pack suddenly appear behind Black Sage, distracting him and the ref while Kabe takes full advantage of the situation by pearl harboring the unsuspecting McMillan from behind with a savate kick to the back of the head..... the Cat Pack then begin taunting Black Sage further as Matthews goes to the top rope and hits the semi-conscious McMillan with a Shooting Star Press! The ref turns and sees the Matthews covering McMillan and makes the count..... Black Sage sees what's going on and tries to break it up but is too late as Matthews has already pinned McMillan for the 3 count.....)
JAKE SHADES: The Cat Pack managed to strike yet another blow in their war against the New Breed and they didn't even lay a finger on either of them? Sagey, it's called TAG TEAM wrestling so that's why ya gotta pay attention to what's going on INSIDE the ring! But then again, I can't put ALL the blame on you, I mean just look WHO was your partner! Any how, that FINALLY wraps it for this Phoenix House Show.... and just one last thing before I go... Malec, LeBron, (takes a long sip from the bottle in the brown paper bag)..... aaahhhh.... yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, Malec, LeBron.... better (burps) plan on having some other (hiccups) fool host these House Cards 'cause ma doctor (hiccups again).... ma doctor just diagnosed me with a rare but serious condition called (hiccups again) "House Carditis"! And besides, the REAL boss, Michael Manson SAYS I don't have to host these house shows if'n I don't want to..... and ya know what, I (Interrupted....)
(Jakes Shades last comments are suddenly cut off as the credits starts rolling on the screen..... FADE OUT.....)
@2000 FRONTIER WRESTLING FEDERATION ALL RIGHTS RESERVED