“Hey,” a familiar voice echoes in my head, catching me in my daydreams. My eyes meet a warm smile as the owner of that voice crouches beside me. I wonder how he found me, tucked away behind one of the blue team transporter trucks out of sight. But I appreciate the gesture.

“So,” he begins, in the same jovial mood, “how’s things?”

I know him well enough to realise that he’s not necessarily asking for the truth so I obligingly say, “Fine, yeah. Everything’s great,” and wait for his response. He half laughs and shakes his head.

“That bad?”

“Guess.”

At first he doesn’t reply, just sits with me as I continue looking out down the paddock. It’s quiet back here, away from the organised chaos of the pit lane. And after these past few weeks I just need some time to reflect on everything. I had to escape, to find some way of winding down so I can concentrate on the race. But it’s not working.

He doesn’t seem to mind the silence. For most I guess it would be oppressive but we’ve never had that problem. Perfectly comfortable in each other’s presence, not needing mindless and useless words to fill in the awkward gaps of silence.

But then maybe it’s because we’ve only ever been friends. No, not only. That makes it sound as though it’s second-best. It’s the only way we’ve wanted it. We could have been something more if we’d wanted it enough. We’ve had plenty of opportunities to go that extra step further.

And I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want to. Didn’t want to hold him, kiss him, wake up beside him in yet another hotel room, in yet another city, another country, but wrapped in his arms just the same as the last.

And I’ve thought so much about what it would be like, to have him as a lover rather than a friend and a confidante. Wonder what those full lips would taste like, what those hands would feel like running across my skin, what he’d sound like on the brink of orgasm, making love to him passionately, his moans ringing in my ears, rather than leaving the circuit and heading to my room alone and without him.

To wake up to those beautiful eyes serenely gazing at me and knowing I couldn’t be happier.

Hell, he’s not just good-looking, he’s beautiful. Completely and utterly. None more so than as he’s looking at me now, smiling, his sparkling blue eyes flickering in the sunlight.

Yet I don’t think either of us wants to risk what we have for the sake of a foolish fling. Something which could break us rather than bring us closer.

So, that’s why we’re here now. That’s why he’s here. To see me as a friend, probably the closest friend he’s got here. I don’t think you could really count his lovers as his friends. His little toys, really.

Not that I mind. I can’t mind, it’s not as though he’s cheating on me. Although I know he doesn’t tell me half of the stuff that goes on in his life, doesn’t want to inadvertently hurt me. Likewise for me.

“So,” I idly begin, “why’d you find me?”

“Can’t I? You’re only at another team, I don’t think they’ll mind us at least talking to each other. It’s not like we’re discussing team secrets or anything,” he grins at me and I shrug, taking in the mild sarcasm.

We fall silent again, but this time he looks like he wants to say something. “Oh, nothing,” he shakes his head when I ask him what’s on his mind. “I guess I just wanted to say I meant what I said. You know, that I was sorry to see you go. They’ve made a big mistake, you know.”

I nod and give a small smile, accepting the compliment, “I was sorry to leave,” I reply. Now it’s his turn to nod and smile but I get the impression that there’s something else behind that troubled façade. When I ask him though, he dodges the question.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he assures me, giving me one of his boyish grins, “Just having one of those days.”

“What, not just pissed off that you’ve found someone you can’t seduce into bed? Maybe you’re losing your touch now you’re getting older.”

He gives me a playful glare, “For the record, I have no intention of sleeping with your team mate,” he shrugs with indifference, “I could if I wanted to though,” he adds with a wicked grin. I can’t help but shake my head.

“And you say I’m exaggerating when I say you’re working your way through the entire field. Are there any who haven’t been your lovers at some point,” I joke but I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, knowing that he’s right. He could get anyone he wanted and would. And what that means for me, I try to block out.

He doesn’t take offence at the suggestion, simply laughs and rests his head back against the wheel of the truck. “None of them have been my lovers,” he says, his voice low a level and suddenly serious. I begin to interrupt but he continues, turning to face me, “because I’ve never loved any of them.” His voice is little more than a murmur and he suddenly feels unbearably close, sitting there beside me. The atmosphere between the two of us instantly chances at those uttered words. I turn to meet his gaze, our faces only inches apart. So close I can feel his warm breath against my skin.

Before I realise what’s happening, a hand reaches out to my face, fingers tracing around my features. “Do you really think I’d waste you on some meaningless one night stand?” he asks in all seriousness, as if he’s read my thoughts.

“But ...” I try to form a coherent sentence but he gently presses a thumb against my lower lip to silence me.

“Don’t,” he whispers, maintaining that tantalising distance between us, “let me finish.” He takes a deep breath and is forced to break eye contact, looking more nervous and anxious than I’ve ever seen him before. “It’s not because I don’t want you, you know it’s not. God, if it was down to trusting my feelings I would have fucked you long before this. It’s just if it went wrong, if I messed up or if we just drifted apart, I couldn’t bear to lose what we have.”

 Instinctively, I reach out for his face, lifting his gaze back up from the floor to meet my eyes. He smiles, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so vulnerable. “But, since you haven’t been here, since you left, I’ve realised something. I’ve realised that I can’t live without you, we can go on like this, in some limbo, not knowing how far we can go and too scared to do what we want. What we really want.” He leans closer until we’re breathing in each other’s sweet breath, “I want you, I want you as my lover, Luci. And I know you feel the same.”

Without waiting for my answer, his tongue gently teases my lips as he traces their outline before his lips take mine in a tender kiss. His tongue lovingly explores every inch of my mouth but yields to my more demanding kiss, deepening down his throat with the desperation of someone denied for far too long. My arms wrap around his waist, holding him tightly against me while his hands softly ruffle my hair, fingers running through the strands and stroking the back of my neck, making me tremble under his touch.

“Please, no,” my voice cracks as he pulls away from my embrace, ending our kiss. I look him straight in the eye, my mind racing as despairing thoughts rush through my brain. What if he’s changed his mind? If he thinks we shouldn’t continue. If he doesn’t want me as his lover, that there’s someone else better to take my place.

He must see the fear in my eyes because he leans back towards me and gives me a brief loving kiss, immediately dispelling my distress. I moan at the loss of contact when he again breaks from me.

“Not yet,” he huskily murmurs, “we’ve gone without this for this long already. I’m sure you can last a few more hours. Then ...” his voice trails off and gives me a knowing smile. My body shivers with a flush of pleasure at the thought of his suggestion, and I can only watch as he stands up and begins to walk away.

“Eddie,” His name leaves my lips before I can stop it, and he turns around again to look at me.

He smiles gently at me, “Haven’t you got a team to get back to? I’ll see you after the race. And good luck, you deserve it.”

Once he’s gone, I collapse back on to the ground, the sensations from his touch still linger on my body and I close my eyes, imagining his hands still travelling across my body.

Fuck, how the hell am I supposed to concentrate on the race now?

~ The End.