How dare you.

How dare you stand there in front of all those glaring cameras and make those accusations, without bothering to even ask me what went wrong, whether I was to blame. But no, you just jumped in as usual and told the whole world that it was my fucking fault, the fact that I had to start from the back of the bloody grid was, as far as you were concerned, not your responsibility.

You can publicly apologise all you like now you found out that it was the car’s fault and not mine. You can tell the papers that as much as you fucking well like but it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t believe me in the first place. That you were quite willing to go ahead and condemn me without proof, without evidence that I was solely to blame for throwing away a possible victory.

Since when did our personal problems seep into our public relationship?

Why’d you do it? I didn’t think even you would stoop so low as to publicly insult my ability like you did today, when if it wasn’t for me you’d be standing in front of the world’s press trying to explain how the team didn’t manage to scrape a single point. At least I salvaged something for this damn team and I worked fucking hard to give you those two points after what had happened to me in the race.

So, why can’t you see that?

What, was it the fact that you had to watch him agonisingly retire on the last lap and I was just the easiest person to take it out on? I know how much you wanted that race for him and how you must feel you’ve let him down. And now at least you know a little of how I feel every race weekend, when you concentrate your efforts on his glory while I mill around like a spare part nobody wants. I can tell that my success has really riled you. I haven’t seen you this pissed off in ages. And I have to admit I’m enjoying seeing you like this. I think, no I know, I deserve what’s happening to me, and I know given an equal opportunity I can be every bit as good as him, as your protégé.

And I know you hate that. You hate me for stealing his spotlight and you hate me even more when he sticks up for me. No matter his relationship with you, we’ll always have a connection, even though I know we’re no longer the close item we once were. And you’re paranoid that he’ll eventually choose me over you if you push him too far.

Ironic, isn’t it? There was a time when I couldn’t bare to look at him because all I could see was a rival for your affections. Strangely, his and my jealously brought us together, when I was desperate to keep you, and now I can’t look at you the way I used to, only dream of him and what we could have if you didn’t have such a hold over him.

 And now even he isn’t enough to keep me here.

Admittedly, I did feel sorry for him, I know he handled his misfortune with more grace and acceptance than I probably could. But, on the other hand, a part of me realises that while he fails, it’s going to be more difficult to justify your preferential treatment of him to sponsors. And I know how much that hurts you.

And come on, even you, with your rose-tinted view, have to admit that what he did today wasn’t exactly spectacular. Okay, so he got the lead but what? You’ve got to admit that it was by default. If it wasn’t for the Ferrari’s problem we all know who the victor was going to be.

You know I’m not saying this to spite you, or in some attempt to seek revenge for your cruel outburst or even for what passes for our relationship. I’m just speaking the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. But what I won’t tolerate is your bloody derision. God knows I know what you think of me. Hardly a day goes by that something you do reinforces the fact that I’m an outsider here. And I think you know now that I’m not going to take it any more.

A year ago I would have said we could have worked things out. That our happy little trio could have the future I dearly wanted it to. That wasn’t so much naïve as damn stupid of me. You were never going to love me and treat me like you did him. What was I, just a little amusement for you? One that doted on you, would do anything you asked because I truly believed that one day you would tell me that you loved me?

I believe him when he says he does feel something for me but in truth I know it will never be as strong as what he feels for you. You’ll always be there to pull him back.

And as for you, today was the last straw. We no longer have a professional relationship, let alone a personal one, and I want out. I’ve been telling myself for years that you’ll change and I’ll get the chances I deserve if I could just get you to appreciate me. But if I stay here I won’t get that chance, it’s as simple as that.

I told myself I wouldn’t give in, that I’d keep slogging away here until you realise. But I’d be waiting from here to eternity for that to happen.

I’m not giving in, I’m just moving on.

~ The End.