An unanswerable question? Yeah, I guess. And one I ask, have asked and will probably ask myself again and again until I can make some sense of it all. They say time heals hurt. Or maybe it just makes it worse. With every day comes an ever increasing distortion of the pain we feel when something, or someone, hurts you. 

Perhaps this is my lesson.

Perhaps I am to blame, well, partly, for this pain. Perhaps my blinkered eyes couldn’t see past my own selfishness and desire, and I’m as much at fault as he is.

Perhaps he is what I made him ...

Or perhaps I am not guilty. Perhaps the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the one I used to trust and who repaid me in this way. Hell, I’m not saying I was perfect, that we were perfect before ... this. And God knows I tried to end it, tried to spare him from as much pain and rejection as possible.

I just didn’t think he’d react like this.

If only. There are so many if onlys. I mean, if only Silverstone hadn’t happened, if only I hadn’t broken the promises I made to myself, if only he had won the race instead of relying on me. Forcing me to choose.

I’m sorry, I couldn’t make that choice.

I’m not saying I deliberately didn’t try to win. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to make that choice. I thought you would realise it would be up to you, that I couldn’t give it to you, despite the fact that I did still love you.

I couldn’t.

Instead you thought I betrayed you.

Or perhaps I was right the first time. This is a lesson, one that we all must learn.

But it doesn’t stop it hurting ...

~The End.