If only you could see what I see right now. A beautifully sculptured face gazing serenely back at me, iridescent flames flickering deep in soulful eyes.

If only you could feel exactly what I’m feeling right now.

If only I knew where I stood.

If only this wasn’t just play acting for the cameras.

You’re laughing, grinning right at me while struggling under my grip but unable to break free. What is it? Disbelief at my audacity to jump you like this? A knowing smile because you know exactly what you do to me? I don’t really know.

Your skin is icy against mine, your warm breath heating up my face. I think I feel you shiver underneath me, your jacket not enough to prevent the cold from the snow seeping through. Not that I notice it, the cameras, the chill of the wind. Lust courses through my veins like a raging fire, heating my skin and numbing me to the biting cold of the snow beneath us.

We don’t even have the reassuring inches between us to make me feel more comfortable. Pressed against each other, all that separate us are these cumbersome team clothes. But even they aren’t enough to disguise the sensation of your body against mine, pinned roughly against the slope. With every half-hearted struggle to push me off and get your own back comes a further ripple of arousal as our bodies slide against each other, while every time our groins meet, a jolt of pleasure surges through me, leaving me wondering whether you’re feeling this too.

If only the cameras weren’t here ...

Christ, I’ve wanted this for so long: wanted to feel your toned chest pressed against me, to have my legs entwined around you. Our lips are so close I have to consciously fight the urge to kiss you, to claim your lips, to make you mine.

And when we catch each other’s gaze, I swear you can read my mind, daring me to kiss you in front of the cameras. Give the world’s press something more to talk about than booting me out of the team without a chance to prove myself.

If only that were true.

If only you were silently pleading for me to kiss you, then I’d be the happiest man alive. But you’re not, are you. Your smile, the look in your oceanic eyes all tell me the unwanted truth I don’t want to admit.

We are just two team-mates having a laugh for the press. Nothing more. Friends, yes. But I’ll never be able to tell you how I really feel. How every time I see you my stomach does backflips, my throat dries up and every breath in my body seems to evaporate. And god, I would give anything to release this tension. For you to just tell me that you feel the same way. For all my frustrations and longings to melt away in your embrace.

If only you weren’t already so besotted, perhaps I could tell you how I feel.

He doesn’t deserve you, you know. Hell, he doesn’t deserve anyone but especially not you. I’ve locked myself in so many hotel rooms, crying over this, trying to figure out just what you see in him. Just what he’s got that I haven’t.

I don’t know. Well, he’s pretty good looking, I guess but he doesn’t love you. He can’t possibly. If he did would he behave so childishly? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that I can’t stand him and I’m pretty sure he realises it. We’ve never got on, even when we were team mates, and now even more so. But it’s not jealousy that’s making me say this, it’s the truth. He comes to you when it suits him, when it pleases him. When he’s not busy fucking some other young driver senseless in his hotel room.

And you always let him back, knowing full well what he’s like.

Does he tell you who he’s been with or does he expect you to find it out from gossip or friends? Fuck, we all know the amount of rumours flying around about him, you can’t be oblivious to them.

Is it his unpredictability that keeps you with him? His charm, perhaps? Are they really good enough reasons for you to sacrifice your worth to stay with him?

If only you could see how much I want you and how much you should be with someone who really loves you. Someone who can make you truly happy.

I want to make you smile like this every day. To wake up to it each morning and know that I’ll see it again before I fall asleep that night.

If only I could tell you to ditch him before he hurts you too much.

If only I could tell you I love you.

~ The End.