God, I can’t believe I’m actually writing this down, coming out with all this sentimental shit. I mean, you’re still there, I still see you every race weekend. Okay, so I see you less than I used to. I don’t see your smile when things are going well or that distant, faraway look you often get when I can’t tell what you’re thinking, whether it’s about me, us or just dreaming to yourself. When the corners of your mouth would frown ever so slightly and you would look annoyed or angry at something, your eyes reflecting a fierce concentration. I can tell where you picked up that little trait. But I still think it looks better on you.

At least I still see you.

But despite this I know that I’m not just making a big deal out of everything, my thoughts of loneliness, my need to see you. And if I don’t write it down like this, how am I supposed to make sense of it all? There’s no-one I can talk to this about and although I doubt I’ll have the courage to give this to you, at least I can try to make out my mixed up feelings.

I mean, it’s just not the same as it used to be, we’re not the same as we used to be. We’ve lost the ... closeness, and you can’t tell me I’m just imagining it. The fleeting moments snatched, the short exchanges, they’re nothing like our relationship was before, when we were together constantly, when our lives were intricately entwined.

You even made those cold, miserable test sessions bearable when for a change we’d act our age away from the scrutinising cameras. And when it seemed like the whole world was watching me, criticising me, examining my every move, you were there to talk things through with me, help me understand.

Or forget.

You could do that because you knew what I was going through. Because you had already gone through it before me, maybe for different reasons but it was still an understanding. We were in it together and out to prove to everyone that we could do it regardless of our critics. I cringe when I think back to how naive I was then but it makes me realise how much I relied on you. My teacher, friend, confidante and eventual lover. I don’t know when exactly that transition happened, when the guy who was supposed to take me by the hand and teach me the ropes in the team suddenly became the guy who took me into his arms and into his bed. It must have given the hierarchy a heart-attack when they realised just how close we were. I don’t think that’s what they had in mind when they asked you to watch over me!

I wish you could be here with me. But even more, what I wouldn’t give to be beside you right now. Hell, I could do with some of your words of comfort right now, to tell me that there is an end to this nightmare I’m having. Or just to tell me about anything, just to hear your voice, to feel you close to me, with me knowing that all I have to do is lean over to kiss those child-like lips and ruffle your hair gently while you sleep next to me.

You know, I always felt guilty when I woke you up like that, but you never seemed to mind. I just couldn’t help it. I was like, I don’t know, a child when they first get a new toy and that’s all they want, that’s all they’re interested in. But with me, that demand never faded. I constantly craved you and you would always relent to my demands. Returning every kiss when I woke you, every caress when I’d pull you close against me, and allowing me to take you before, exhausted, we collapse in each other’s arms, your head resting gently on my head and my legs lock you to me for fear that I might wake up and you’re no longer with me. That never happened, you were always there when I awoke and it made me love you even more.

I just hope that you knew just how much I needed you.

It’s all so easy to get caught up in reminiscing about the past. I know things aren’t as easy now, there’s no way we can have that same sort of closeness now. The situation has changed completely. I’m trying, I’m really trying here but I just can’t do any better. I can’t work miracles and for the first time I’ve questioned my own ability, my own driving skills, just trying to find somewhere to lay the blame.

And then I look at him. Yeah, I admit it, I’m jealous. Jealous of him, jealous of his talent, jealous of the fact that he’s stolen what I thought was mine while I wallow here in limbo for two whole years.

My only consolation is that he hasn’t stolen you. That I couldn’t bear.

But I still can’t get these nagging doubts out of my mind, that it’s possible. I know, I know, I’m being ridiculous now. You’ve told me numerous times that you can’t stand the guy, let alone be remotely attracted to him. And, you assure me, the feeling is mutual on his side. You were the one who stood up for me, the one who tried to stop me from going, the one who took me in his arms after Malaysia last year and whispered to me ‘I don’t want to let you go.’.

But I’m still afraid I’ve lost you. Perhaps to someone else, perhaps not, I don’t know, but I just know that we’re not the same as before. And if I’m honest with myself I think I could handle it better if you had fallen for someone else, that there was a reason for the fact that we’re further apart than we used to be.

Then again, maybe I’m just as much to blame for it as you. I’ve seen you sometimes, when you’ve walked past (whether co-incidentally or not) and seen me with my team mate. And I admit that we do get on well. It’s seems I’m forever going to be the kid in these relationships, even he’s taken on the role as the big brother, looking out for me just like you did. And I’ve seen those painfully sad looks when you see us laughing, joking, or even just standing together. Yeah, he’s attractive, well, more than that, he’s bloody good looking. But he’s not you and I have to make you realise that, I have to tell you that I don’t want him. Never have and never will.

But if I can’t believe you won’t fall for someone else, how can I expect you to do the same?

Maybe, we’re both players in the same game, trying to pretend that this enforced separation isn’t hurting us. I know far too well what you are like; you’d never let it show if you were hurting, as if blanking out your troubles will somehow get you through the day.

So, here it is, we can’t go on like this forever, not when we know how we both feel. It’s time that we stop playing this damn game and admit what we want. I don’t give a fuck about the rest of it. I’m here now so we just have to make the most of our time together, however scarce. Just because we’re not living in each other’s pockets shouldn’t mean we have to lose each other.

And you must know, like I do, that this is intentional, that they fucking split us up on purpose. I never told you, but I’m sure you know what they suspected. An ‘inappropriate’ relationship, so they ditch me for the sake of the team. Perhaps they think you will have moved on by the time they call me back, I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean we can’t carry on like before, fuck what they think.

At least there’s one consolation. I always thought blue was more my colour.

~The End.