THERE MAY BE A BUNCH OF >'S IN THERE - THATS BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO TAKE THEM OUT WHEN I COPIED AND PASTED
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Dear Santa:
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely, Little Johnny
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> They should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid." > That way > you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them > anything. > It would be like "Excuse me ... oops, never mind. I didn't see > your > sign." > > It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, > our > house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our > driveway. > My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We > just > pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many > boxes it > takes. Here's your sign." > > A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a buddy of mine. > We > pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol > stringer of > bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all > them > fish?" > > "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." > > I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he > was > playing with his little friend. He had hit his friend, so I > went up > to him and I said, as I smacked the boy, "Hey, we don't hit." > He > looked up at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad." > > I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery > Channel. > There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one > way to > test that ... "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, > it looks > good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and > you tell > us if it hurts when they bite you." > > "Well, all right ... hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it." > > Several weeks ago I was driving around and I had a flat tire. > I > pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas > stations. The > attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I > SWEAR he > said, "Tire go flat?" > > I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. No, I was driving around and > those > other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." > > We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came > over to > the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get > back to > the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the > exhaust > pipe, then goes, "Darn! That's hot!" See ... If he'd been > wearing his > sign, I could have stopped him.
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Estrogen Found in Beer >>>> >>>> Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains traces of the female >>>> hormone Estrogen. >>>> >>>> To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 cans of beer each >>>> and >>>> observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without >>>> making >>>> sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused >>>> to >>>> apologize when wrong. >>>> >>>> No further testing is planned.
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>> > As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to
remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally,
with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send
his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one
letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow
checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint.
>> > At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
>> > Dearest Wife,
>> > Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
Signed,
>> > Your eternally loving husband.
>> > PS. Sure is hot down here. >>
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AGAIN, THERE MAY BE SOME >'S
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> The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test
telex/twx (communications)
> The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable.
> 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
> No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
> "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
> In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
> Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
> A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the
engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out
how to walk up straight staircases.
> The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of
the Don McLean song.)
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades -
King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius
Caesar.
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing
them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
> Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's
kissing the conveyor belt.
> The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law that stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
> An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
> The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
> The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be
straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other
emergencies.
> The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
> The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring
separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
> The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
> Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
> The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
> Colorado.
> Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
> If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also
have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
> No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a SuperBowl.
> The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sportsgames (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League
All-Star Game.
> Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
> In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
> It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of
footballs.
> Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.
> The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
> Budweiser, in that order.
> It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
> Pound for pound, hamburgers (the ones that went upstairs) cost more than new cars.
> Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
> Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
> On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year (how would you
manage to do this?).
> In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons
combined.
> Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
> Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
> Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6 years.
> Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
> The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
> Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
> chocolate.
> There are coffee flavored PEZ.
> Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about
thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor.
It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring,
relax and correct itself. (How did they study this?)
> 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with
both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
> The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle; If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle; If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the
person died of natural causes.
> The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
> The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
> Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
> The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo
at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
> The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the
only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
> More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
> A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
> The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
> Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
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Astronomers are finding more and more planets orbiting stars outside the solar system. Many of these "extrasolar planets" are quite strange. One group is the "hot Jupiters." These are super-giant planets several times the size of Jupiter, in very close orbits around their stars. Some of them are in orbits much smaller than Mercury's orbit around our Sun. There are also planets that have very eccentric orbits, swinging in close to their star and then coasting out very far away. There are many other odd planets, including at least two that orbit around neutron stars. As more strange, new planets are discovered, astronomers are scrambling to come up with explanations for how they came to be. Existing theories of solar system formation simply do not cover such oddities. There are many new theories. More about extrasolar planets: http://astron.berkeley.edu/~gmarcy/sciam.html Another Cool Fact about extrasolar planets. http://www.cool-fact.com/archive/1998/09/16.html Cool Facts about neutron stars: http://www.cool-fact.com/archive/1998/02/05.html http://www.cool-fact.com/archive/1998/06/04.html http://www.cool-fact.com/archive/1998/08/25.html
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In the southern Indian Ocean, about 4000 kilometers (2500 miles) southwest of Australia, there is a very large undersea plateau called Kerguelen. In the last 110 million years, Kerguelen has risen above the waves and re-submerged three times. Scientists discovered Kerguelen's past by examining deep core samples and reconstructing the movement of the Earth's crustal plates. Kerguelen rose above the water about 110 million years ago, then submerged. The land rose again 85 million years ago, and broke the surface once more 35 million years ago. Scientists believe the force that lifted the sunken continent was generated by gigantic injections of volcanic magma deep beneath the Earth's crust. When the underground activity subsided, the plateau sank again. What's left of the sunken continent? The windswept Kerguelen Archipelago: http://www.wndrland.demon.co.uk/kerguelen/kerguelen_islands.html The discoveries were made with a unique ship, the JOIDES Resolution: http://ceor.seos.uvic.ca/odp/JOIDES.html
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Usually, light zooms through space at 300 million meters (186,000 miles) per second. But in a recent experiment, a pulse of light was slowed down to only 17 meters (55.7 feet) per second. Sound travels at 340 meters (1115 feet) per second in air. The trick was to pass the light pulse through a cloud of extremely cold sodium atoms. The sodium atoms, which were cooled to a frigid 50 billionths of a degree above absolute zero, entered a special state called a "Bose-Einstein condensate." In this state, millions of atoms act as if they are one single atom. The light pulse slowed down because it constantly exchanged energy with the atoms in the cloud. Upon leaving the cloud, it returned to its normal zippy pace. Scientists are excited by the experiment's implications for physics. It might also lead to new components for optical computers or other devices. The experiment was conducted by Dr. Lene Hau at the Rowland Institute: http://dustbunny.physics.indiana.edu/~dzierba/P360/Week13/light/ story.html http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1999/02/990223083631.htm A Cool Fact about how Bose-Einstein condensates are formed: http://www.cool-fact.com/archive/1997/10/16.html
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