Jubilee and the Care Bears
     By Neva "Mice" Huddleston

          S'like, there I was, doing the movie thing with my, *achem, 'buds' Skinner (Angelo),
Snob Queen (Monet), and the Evster( Everett), when totally out of the blue, I just spazzed!  I
mean, the movie bit, and the company sucked!  So, I just hibernated.  Well, until Everett decided
that if he has to go through this torture, so does the Jubester.
     "psst!  Jubes, your missing the best part!" 
     "*yawn* Like, duh and a half, Ev, we're still watching the movie!  Seeing Guthers
huskin'  would be more thrillin'." 
     "Keep it down, Jubilee, your being disruptive...as always." 
     "Well, it wasn't MY idea to watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Monet!  I wanted to
see Tim Curry an' alla them sweet transvestities!"
     "I think Angelo switched movies on us. I grabbed The Shawshank Redemption..."
     "Gag me, chicas.  I saved our butts from the boredom of Monet's choice of viewin'
entertainment!" 
     "I still want to know what was so bad about Pulp Fiction, Ange."
     "Ev.  Dude.  If we wanted to see some chick on the brink o'death and return, we'd watch
a soap, or Missus Summers at the Mansion!"
     "Oh, do enlighten us, Jubilee, with yet another one of your delightful X-Tales."
     "Stuff it Monet!  I'm gonna go sleep or sumthin worthy of my 'tention."
 Spazzes.  I mean, what could be more fun than watchin' Meat Loaf when he was rose tintin' the
world on the big screen?  No one 'preciates genius anymore.  Heck, they don't even appreciate
the ol' J.
     *YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN* Gezers, was that me yawnin'?  I..mus'be...more...tired
than..i...thunk...?

Seven Minutes Later...

          Mmmph, what's with the voices?  Is it time to get up with Adam all ready?  Why is there
peoples in the rec room?  If Moners is here to give me a wake up call, she's gonna be rilly
disapointed like, 'cause I...waitaminnute...that ain't 'er.  Factoid:  That don't sound like anyone
that I know.  Gotta open the ol' head cameras...
     "SHEAH!!!"
            No, no, nononononononononononono, NO!  Wataminute...this is probably just a joke!
Yeah!  Our teacher, Mr. Cassidy, probably thought it keen to teach the ol' J a lesson in sleeping
in!  Weeeeeeeeeell, it ain't gonna happen!!  So, I'll just open me peepers again, and then I will
see that everything is....perfectly...normal?
     "MARY, TYLER, AND MOORE!!!"
     "Chosen One."
          Care Bears.  Most uncool.
     "Hey, whatre ya little pastel monks doin' in my domain?  And stop doin' that bowin'
thing!  What's with this 'Chosen One' garbage?  Am I chosen to marry Fox Mulder or sumthin
else totally unlikely?"
     "As you wish.  YO!  THE CHOSEN ONE SAYS CEASE THE WORSHIP!!  Love!  I
am the one they call Tenderheart.  We are the Care Bears.  We like to Care.    We're here to--"
     "Be my bud, yadda yadda yadda."
     "No, your the chosen one!  Once, in every generation, there is a chosen one.  That special
boy, or girl,  comes up with us, and we hold the festivities.  There, he or she, is cared for
throughout their stay. Then, we give them the option of staying or leaving."
     "Hmm.  Ya mean that I'm gonna be like, 'Jubes On High', and ya little dudes are gonna
cater to my ev'ry whim and desire?"
     "Uhm...yes."
     "Well, as long as we ain't doin' any of that Michael Jackson 'come on in, and sleep in my
room' garbage, it'll be keen."
        So, it's like, I've flown in jets and planes, but, I am like, totally out of it when  I think of the
Cloud Car!  It was so 'mazin!  Snoop Doggy Dog can HAVE his Humpin' Machine!  When this
crazy J gets her wheels, it better be fluffy white, with rainbowed tires!
     "Are you enjoying the ride, Mistress Lee?"
     "Dude! This is 'da bomb!  I gotta get me one..." Maybe Forge could fix me up
sumthin'...he's a pretty good mechanic...
     "It shall be done, Mistress Lee.  Just let me call the base."
     "This flyin' machine comes with a phone? I didn't know Care Bears had phones!"
     "We do, and this car also has a fax, compact disc player--"
     "Do ya got any of them sweet transvestites on ya?"
     "'Sweet transvestites?'"
     "Ya know, The Rocky Horror Picture Show?  Soundtrack?"
     "Oh, but of course!"
          Hmm, an option of staying or leaving?  Well now, let's just weigh the factoids.  On one
hand, I'm saving a world that hates my guts because of what's in them.  On the other, I'm a
complete goddess-like-babe on the pastel munchkin scene.  I just gotta stop havin' these totally
stress-type decisions!
        So, me and Tenderheart have been screaming out "Time Warp Flip" for an hour when we
get to Care A Lot.  The whole place is decorated in yellow, which is one of my fav colors, and I
can smell the McBurgers from here.  Mmmm, quarter pounders with cheese....
        Sorry, it's a girl thing.  Anywho, soon as I step out, this ancient type-chick-bear comes out
and begins to speak to Tenderheart in some Care Bear-ese speak.  And then,  this
orange-thing-type-bear comes up to talk to me.
     "Love!  I am Friend Bear!  Do you need a friend?"
     "No, I need reality check."
     "Hmm, well, let me see if Funshine has one..."
          These are not the brightest creatures in the world.  But thank the big guy that there was
one little dude who spoke Jubilee!
     "Friend Bear, why don't you ask Funshine for two!  I think that you desperately need
one."
     "And who in the beejoobies are you, short, tough, and blue?"
     "Grumpy.  I thought that was obvious, kid."
     "I'm Jubes, and please don't do that bowin' thing."
     "Why should I?  What's in it for me?"
     "Hey, G, these li'l midgets give me the creeps.  What say that I stick close to you, in case
I catch whatever 'happy bug' they caught?"
          So, fer the rest of that day, I was under Grumpy's protection.  And we did have fun,
considering all the goodies the bears made, and all of the retch-inducing rides that were there. 
Also, I finally got to see the  Swee Transvestites from Trannsylvania'.  Life is good.
          Around three a.m., we had a tremendo fireworks display, with a little help from moi. 
Grumpy told me that he had to bail out fer the night, 'the rest don't respect a bears need for a
ciggy' he said.  The guy reminds me of someone.... Anywho, I decided to split and take a look at
the digs.  Pretty nice place.  No wars, no hate, no one trying to tan your butt because your a
mutant. And as for my classmates?   There ain't any Monet 'Too Perfect for a Real Code Name,
Too Perfect for a Real Code Name, Too Perfect' St. Croix's or Robert 'The Hand' Drake's within
reach, doesn't hurt any, either.  I'm gonna stay.
          Yeah!  That's what I'm gonna do, what I'M gonna DO!
     "YA HEAR THAT WORLD??!! I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE!  I AIN'T GONNA
FIGHT FOR A WORLD THAT HATES MY SPARKLIN' DESIGNER GENES!! I'M GONNA
BE SITTIN' PRETTY WITH THE PASTEL PERKELATORS!!!  AND THERE AIN'T
NOTHIN' GONNA STOP ME!!  WHAT DO YA THINK ABOUT THAT??!!"
     "I think that you're foolish."
     "Who are ya?  I didn't see you during orientation."
     "I'm Perks-A-Lot.  I am one of the chosen ones before you."
     "That can't be!  Your a bear!"
     "Until one hundred and thirty-six years ago, I wasn't.  My real name is Johnny Hamman,
and I was twelve when the Care Bears came.  I know what they do!  They take you, show you a
wonderful life!  Full of all of your favorite things!  There wasn't any fighting, and there was so
much love! I wanted to stay, but not like this.  Not like a freak of bear evolution! So, tomarrow,
when they ask for your decision, whether to stay here, or to leave, answer no, or I swear to you
that this same fate will happen to you!"
     "Funny!  This, *hee hee* is one of THE best stories I've EVER heard! The guys must do
this to make sure I believe in them or sumthin!  You can't fool me, I've seen every Star Wars
AND Indiana Jones movie!  I know about this stuff!  So, you Just scoot off to bed, "Johnny
Hamman", and I'll worry about the rest later. Okay?"
     "Your not listening!  You have got to believe me!  They are evil! EVIL!!!!"
     "What're they gonna do?  Make me listen to the New Kids on the Block?"
     "Take me seriously!  Leave now!   While you still can!  Hurry now--"
     "Hurry now?  Why would Mistress Lee want to do that?"
     "Tenderheart, Love!  I was Just telling Mistress Lee to hurry now, so she can be first at
the breakfast buffet before Greedy gets in line!"
     "Greedy is a Smurf, you infantile!  We are Care Bears!  NOW GO TO YOUR LIVING
QUARTERS!!"  Tenderheart kinda pauses as he looks over ta me and my pretty blown away
expression.  "Mistress Lee...I...I am so sorry for that outburst. He is a most difficult bear, he has
always wanted to leave, ever since he was born."
     "So, he wasn't a kid like me?"
     "NO!  Is that what he told you?"
     "Well....yeah."
     "He would do anything to get out of here.  Even lie.  Now come, Mistress Lee, we have
the ceremony in the morning."
        Sheah, like I can sleep!   I Just couldn't get over what Perks-A-Lot and Tenderheart said; "i
was a chosen one before you"......"he has always wanted to leave here"...Narf, this is more
confusing than Total Recall, though Total Recall had that rillyrillyRILLY cool part where Arnie
takes that red light thingy outta his nose, now THAT is class fer ya!

The Next Morning

     "MISTRESS LEE, WILL YOU PLEASE GET UP!"
     "Hua?  Lucky...just let me sleep for just two more days...i'll be...*snore*"
     "WAKE UP NOW!"
     "Alright, alright.  geez, what's going on that's so important that it has to take place
at...what time is it?"
     "It is five thirty, Mistress Lee."
     "a.m.?"
     "A.M."
     "ssssssssssttttt.  lemme get dressed, ya perv..."
     "As you wish....Mistress Lee."
          So, as I dress me up, I'm thinkin' about how totally insensitive Lucky was.  And that "As
you wish...Mistress Lee."....that gave me the willies!  Well, I'll teach him some respect today. 
I'll have time, afterall, I'm staying....right?
     "Mistress Lee?"
     "Yeah, Lucky?"
     "We're ready for you."
     "Thanks.....jerk."

The Ceremony

        Why is everybear decked out like some lost caveman tribe?  Are we gonna play 'Tarzan and
Jubilee' or sumthin?  This is MOST uncool. And why on earth do they look like  they're gonna
sacrifice some vestial virgin?
     "Love."
     "LOVE!"
     "Today, Care Bears, our chosen one of this generation is about to make her decision. 
Whether to stay here, in peace, and in harmony, away from petty people who don't care, OR, go
back home.  What is your answer, Mistress Lee?"
     "Well, I think that--"
     "Uh, uh, uh, Mistress Lee!  Don't think, know!"
     "Okay, I'm going to....,"  Then, just like that, everything connects. Perks-A-Lot's
warning, the arena, the caveman-bear gear....,"...pass.  I'm going to pass.  Well, nice to meet you
all, Hasta Lom Bagles!! Buh-Bye!"
     "It's not that easy, Mistress Lee."



          I don't like Tenderheart's smile right--oh God.  No, NO!  That Noise!!! THAT NOISE!!!
IT CAN'T BE!!
     "All together, Care Bears!"
     "OH, OH, OH, WOH, OH!! (clap clap) HANGIN' TOUGH!"
           NOT THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!!!!!
     "You see, Mistress Lee, you have a choice about leaving, but how you go back is up to
us!"
          He's signaling Lucky and Birthday Bear.  They're coming at me, with a rope?  What in
the?
     "Tie her to that stake, my Care Bears."
     "Hey, HEY!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!! I'M THE CHOSEN ONE!!!"
     "Yes, Mistress Lee, you are.  You were chosen to be..ONE OF US!!!"
          "OH, OH, OH, WOH, OH!! HANGIN' TOUGH!!"
     "This morning, you shall be a person, by tonight, you will be the Care Bear known
as...PICKLEBOTTOM!"
     "Guthrie's  Picklebottom toy??!!  Oy vey...."
          "OH, OH, OH, WOH, OH!! HANGIN' TOUGH!"
     "Lucky, Birthday, light the tikki torches to the stake.  Oh, don't fear, Mistress Lee dear, it
won't hurt...long."
          "OH, OH, OH, WOH, OH!!  HANGIN' TOUGH!!"

On the Couch

     "chosen one....i'm the chosen one...i'm the--"
     "Your the crazy one, Jubes.  What are you still doing down here?"
     "guthrie?  GUTHRIE!!!   RUN!! THEY'LL GET YOU!! THEY'LL--"
     "Jubes, what are ou talking about?  There's no one here, but you...and me.  The others
went out with Mr. Drake to the 7-11 for a slurpie.  It's okay!"
     "I'm...sorry Hayseed.  I just had this wacked out t.v.-horror-movie-of-the-week dream!"
     "You mean, a nightmare?"
     "No, a t.v.-horror-movie---"
     "I get your point.  Now, it's only five thirty, Jubes.  I'll help you up the room."
     "Thanks, Guthrie.  Promise you won't tell the others about this?"
     "Promise."
     "What're they doin' at the  7-11 at this time in the morning, anyway?"
     "Drake wanted some magizines."
     "Eeeew, bad mental image.  That boy is such a perv!!"
     "Left right after you fell asleep."
     "figgers....Hey, Guthrie?"
     "Yes, Jubes?"
     "Your Mr. Picklebottom, it wasn't a... Care Bear....was it?"
     "Uhm, no, he's a bunny."
     "Whew!"
     "Why do 'ya...you ask?"
     "No reason, Guthrie, no reason at all.  Well, g'night!"
     "Jubes, let me get Mr. Picklebottom out for you, he always makes me feel better when I
have a...t.v.-horror thing dream."
     "Thanks, Guthrie.  I'd rilly appreciates it....oh no...it's....it's...!"
     "Yeah, it's a Care Bear cousin!  Pretty nifty, eh Jubes?"
          I'm living with a madwoman!!!
     "Jubilee?!  Hello?!"
     The End



***The GenXer's used and Jean Grey and Iceman are property of the MCG.  The Care Bears...I
don't know. Who ever will have them, I guess...the others (Jonny Hamman and Picklebottom)
are MINE! And, Greedy Smurf is property of the Smurf people.  Oh, yeah, Forge belongs to the
MCG too.***
***Comments?  E-mail [email protected]***