DAMN! I gotta stop with this comidy crap and get workin' on my more serious stuff. I truly belive that this is the Zenith of my comical writing. That's not to say that I won't write more funny crap.Any way...
DEDICATIONS!!!
Keldra: Yer gonna hate this one,chica! Spawn and Darkness...The Worst Combination! HAHAHAHA! Revenge for your Babylon 5 Corruptions! I'm gonna make you read this one, and re-read it,and re-read it,and re-read it,and re-read it,and re-read it,and re-read it,and re-read it, untill you like these guys as much as I DO! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Neo/Yams: You'd like The Darkness, Sex and rampant violence. Same with Spawn...I mean, You've seen the Cartoon! Why do the best hitmen always have the Sh*tiest names? I mean,Wayd Wilson,Al Simmons and Jackie Estacado?! *Sigh*(Not that Deadpool,Spawn and The Darkness are much better(Ok...So Estacado is kinda Kewl and it's hard to pronounce and spell...like mine!^_^...))...
Hentai Queen: I KNOW you'll like this one!!^_^ NYAHHHHHHHH!!!...... Skylar's Dancing!!!! Avert your eyes! He's Procreating through cloathing!!!!
Tora: uh...You'll like this story, even tho y'don't know 2 o' the charicters...You do know Spawn...Right?
And to anyone reading this:(what's wrong with you?!) I think you should read "My Momma was a Mutie" Before you read this one. I tried to get the charicter's personalities down as best I could, Even tho all I know of The Darkness is from WIZARD & the 'Net.Deadpool,WIZARD and Deadpool #0 and Spawn...the 1st 6 eps of the cartoon and...WIZARD!(I'm working to remidy the Deadpool/Darkness problem tho!)*NOTE* As of Dec 26 '98, The Darkness problem has been solved!!! I Bought the TBP(Trade paper back) Of Darkness 1-8 and Creamed Corn gave me Tales of the Darkness 1&2(Thanks CC.) :)
Anyway...
I'm a comic Book Hitman
By NeoPenance
Backstage we see Deadpool and a manager, Deadpool has a pile of weapons in front of him. and is frisking himself for more.
Deadpool: Lesse...Chainsaw...salad spinner....ginsu knives....shot guns....tazer...mace...mase...
Darkness is leaning against the oppasite wall amased with how much Crap Deadpool was carrying,but feining bordom.
Spawn paces back and forth, nervouse about his TV debut.
Cue Jerry Springer theme music.
A: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!!!
Rogue with Jerry's glasses, mike and cards
Rogue: Hey'Yall, this is Jerry Springah. Comic book hitmen popularity is skah rocketin' thru th' roof. But what is it about these dark, dangerous, deadly...muscular....sweaty.....Uh...Men...that attracts people inta buyin' there comics? Today we'll find out.
A: Ohhhhhhh.....!
Rogue: Ah'd like ta introduce mah first guest...A man who is Dead an' ain't lovin' it...SPAWN!
A: Boooo.....Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
Enter Spawn.
Spawn sits
Rogue: Hi,Spawn, welcome ta m'show.
Spawn:....Uh...hi...uhm..Jerry?
Rogue: Now, why did you become a hitman?
Spawn(Shrug): I dunno.
Rogue:...Ah....But...y'all are dead,right?
Spawn: That is correct.
Rogue: Why?
Spawn: I was murderd. I died, I struck a deal with this bastard called Malbolja to see my wife again. In return, I would become a solder in his army against Heaven.
A:BOOoooooooo.......*Beee*
Rogue:.... That was more then Ah needed ta know.
Spawn: But I'm not a Hitman...I was a Government Mercinary...
Rogue: And what do ya do with your..a-hem..afterlife?
Spawn(Stands up, strikes a suttle pose): I protect the innocent here.
A: SPAWN!!SPAWN!!SPAWN!!SPAWN!!SPAWN!!
Rogue: Why did ya cut the deal with Malbolja?
Spawn: To see my wife again.
Rogue: Aww...
Spawn: But my Best friend married her and gave her the child I never could!
A: Ohhhhhh........
Spawn: WAAAAAAANNNNNNNDAAAAAAAAA.....!!
Spawn rises and begins throwing chairs around.
After Spawn calms down and they clean up the set, Spawn sits.
Rogue: Ah'd like ta intorduce m' next guest...A Mafia hitman That is the self proclamed "God's untouchable gift ta women" The Darkness!
A: BOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo........*Beee**beee**Beee**beee*
Enter Jackie. Not the Darkness,But Jackie! PAY ATTENTION!!!
Jackie: Turn off the lights.
Rogue: Now, Jackie--
Jackie: Turn off the lights.
Rogue: We can't. Ah'm sorry, the lights stay on.
Jackie pulls out a gun and shoots all the lights in the studio
Jackie: I(Blam.) Said(BLAM!,blam!) Turn off (Blam...)THE F***IN'(BLAMM!) LIGHTS!!! (BLAMBLAMBLAM!!!)
A: Booooooooo..............!*Beee*
Rogue: Holy F***!
The studio is now emersed in darkness.
Jackie:*Sigh* Better.
Jackie sits back and transforms into the Darkness.(See what happens when you don't pay attention? I said Jackie entered...Now he's the Darkness....Take notes!)
Rogue: uh....H-...Hello...Darkness...?
Darkness: I'm sorry that I had to execute such drastic mesures...But My powers only works in Shadows and *beee* like that...
Rogue: So....Why did ya become a hitman, Ja--...err..Darkness?
Darkness(Shrug): The life, It's fast. Hard...You get invited to all the best parties... The Women...Yeah...I got it all,Jerry....'Cept for Sex....Aw F*beee*! lousy, F*Beee*in' power...
Rogue: Yeah... about ya power...?
Darkness: I can do anything...and nothing. I could make anything I want I just hafta fully understand it first....
Rogue: But?
Darkness: I....uhm....I...I'm doomed for the rest off my life...I can't GET LAID!!
A: Ohhh......awww.......Boooooo......Hhahahahahaha...*beee*
Rogue: Out a' morbid curiosity...why?
Spawn: Since when did this become His show!?(Points to Darkness)
Darkness: Shut the *beee*up, Maggot.
Darkness relaxes and looks back at Jerry...er...Rogue.
Darkness: It's not that I'm physically unable to get laid like this little blank-shooter over here(points to Spawn)...But if I impregnate a woman, this *beee*ing power will get passed to the fetus and I'll die.
Darkness looks at the gound sadly.
A: Awwwwwww........
Rogue: Ah share your pain.
Darkness: humph...
Rogue: Ah do! Ah can't even touch anyone, or Ah'll absorb all there mem'ries inta me.
Darkness: Must be rough...
Rogue: Do ya need a hug?
Darkness nods weakly, still not looking up.
Rogue walks up and hugs him. Darkness, Being the horny little S*** that he is, grins reeeaaaaaaalllllllllll evil-like. (Wink, wink. I'm so bad...) Well...He's grinning...but you can't see his face under that plate-thing over the lower half of his face...But still...look into his eyes...He's smiling...trust me...^_^
Spawn: Uhg.
Rogue (Lets go of Darkness. Darkness however...): Uh...Darkness?...Mr.Esticado?....Let go....Darkness?....Your hurting...me.
Darkness snaps out of it.
Darkness: Huh?...oh,S*Beee* Sorry.
Rogue: Uh...Yeah... I'd like to introduce mah last guest. The Wise Cracking Merc. From the MU! DEADPOOL!
Enter Deadpool.
Deadpool:(fireing an oozie in each hand)DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEIDIEDIEDIEDIEDEDIE!
Darkness & Spawn Stand up, shocked.
Darkness: This guy outdoes us in the insanity area.
Spawn: (nodding) Oh,yeah.
Deadpool finally runs out of ammo and drops his guns. He sits.
Rogue: Whoever's idea it was ta do this show is fired! Hello Deadpool.
Deadpool: Hi Jerry! Uh....Jerry? What happened?
Rogue: So,Deadpool--...
Deadpool: Please, call me Wayd.
Rogue: Wayd--...
Darkness: Hey! She's my Bitch!
Wayd: Oh,yeah?
Deadpool unsheaths a di katana and stands. Darkness also rises and fabricates a kick ass sword...He does this cause I like him...I also like the sword...to see the sword click here:)
They begin to duel.
Spawn, Not one to be forgotten, rises and uses his chains to grab both men.
Spawn: ENOUGH!
Darkness:That's it Spawn!You've been Screwin' with me all night! Get the F*beee* off my case! Darkus!
Darkus:Yes,boss?
(Darkus,for you comic book inpared, is Jackie's head imp dude...Jackie has a whole army of little imps.)
Darkness: Do Something!
Darkus: Right boss...Hey,boys.....showtime!
Darkness calls his little army of imps.
Spawn proceades to fight the Darkness's little imp dudes.
Deadpool: What the?!?
Spawn: Get away!
Rogue: *sigh*ENOUGH!
All stop.
Rogue: SIT DOWN! NOW!!
All sit.
Rogue: Thank ya. Now, back ta th' show. Guys, Ah have one question for all o' ya....What drove y'all ta become this way?
Spawn: Love.
Darkness: Money. Power....Sex...F*Beee*ING STUPID DARKNESS!!
Deadpool: My parents didn't love me enough when I was growing up...(pretending to cry)..I still have so many unanswered questions...
Rogue: Such as?
Deadpool blinks and takes this opertunity to be a smart ass.
Deadpool: Like where did I come from?
Darkness& Spawn Look at eachother.
Rogue: Guys...?
Spawn: ...er...When 2 people really love eachother--...
Darkness: Love has nothing to do with it! Its lust. Pure, hot lust!
Spawn: Love.
Darkness: Uh-uh...(Shakes head) You are such a dick! It has nothin' to do with love..I'm tellin' you...
Deadpool rises and taps Jackie on the shoulder
Deadpool: What about boredom?
Darkness's right had turns into a gun and he presses it to Deadpool's temple.
Deadpool (slowly moving to his chair.): Ok....ok. My mistake....I'll leave you romance novle rejects alone...sorry...
Spawn,taking Darkness by surprise, wrapps his chains around Darkness's throat and lifts him off of the ground.
Darkness: Urk...!
Darkness shoots Spawn in the stomach. Spawn, being difficult, heals second later.
Darkness: Oh,F*Beee*!
Rogue: NO!
Rogue flies over to Spawn and punches him into the wall,through the wall and he is knocked unconciouse.
Deadpool: Whoa...
Darkness is on all fours,coughing.
Rogue: Y'okay?
Darkness, coughing, nods.
Rogue helps him into his chair. Jackie grins mischeiviously as he nonchalantly cops a feel.
Rogue walks up to an audiance member.
Woman: Uh..yes..this is a question for the guy in red.
Rogue: Deadpool.
Woman:Yeah,Deadpool. I was wondering where you get your ever-present arsnal of ammo?
Deadpool: The writers.
Man: Yeah..Deadpool. Is that underware on your head?
Deadpool:....It's actually a surprisingly comfy...HEY!?
Woman2: Uh..this is for The Darkness... Are you single?
A:Yeahhyyyyy.....
Darkness: Quit toying with my emotions!
Rogue: Yeah...! 'Sides...He ain't...
Darkness looks up.
Rogue looks over to the Darkness and winks.
Darkness ( looks quite a bit happier):Ehh!
Rogue: Well, considrin' that Ah am turnin' back ta normal an' that we went over our alotted timeslot...I ain't gonna do one o' them stupid "Final thoughts". Anyway.... The Jerry Springer show will not be seen ever again 'cause Ah reduced him inta a vegitable....Good night!
Darkness: Hey,Rogue!
Rogue: Coming!
The End
Damn..THAT WAS FUCKED! That was NOT what I had in mind when I wrote it...The Darkness/Rogue thing I mean...Shit....From reading that...you can definatly tell who my fave charicters are....Why the Hell was everyone pickin' on Jackie?! ah.well. He got the happy ending ...As for Spawn and Deadpool...eh...They exist.
22/12/98 10:30pm