Stuff

Stuff


"What is "Stuff"? Well, it's a little better than shit, and it's a little worse than loot. It's Stuff. You know, neat things that don't necessarily have any innate value except Well they're cool. Like this thing - a wristwatch. Take away the fact it's a Rolex, and it's shit. Take away the nifty engraving on the back- "To my darling J.T., with love Shell" - and it's trash. If it worked, it would be loot, engravin' or no. I can tell you, any pawnshop on 42nd Street would take this off my hands if it worked. But it's pretty, and it's cool and it's also Stuff. I guess stuff is like porn- I don't know how to describe it, but I know it when I see it."

Bone Gnawers Tribe Book, Page 34 White Wolf Game Studios


Well, this is my page of junk. Nothing too special, just stuff I've found that needs to be said, or seen (as well as junk I couldn't find a place for).


MalKaViaN PrAnKtHolOgY

English wins over German... kinda


The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the trouble- some "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to aku-rate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and simlar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.!!!!

Ve vil al haf to relern schpeling.

Bt Ve r zur yu vil lik dis!


Is anyone SANE anymore?... I think not.
  • Whose cruel idea it was for the word "lisp" to have an "s " in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • If it is zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
  • Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
  • Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
  • Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
  • Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
  • The light went out, but where to?
  • Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know that you don't have?
  • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order?
  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it near-miss? -Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • Why are there 5 syllables in "monosyllabic"?
  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outside?
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? - If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  • Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open it is not a door?
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?
  • Why is lemon drink mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use hem?
  • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?
  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey and apes?
  • Should you trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent?
  • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
  • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
  • Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
  • War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  • If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • What happens when none of your bees wax?
  • Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
  • If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?


    Hey, people, these are real headliners!!!

    1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
    7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    9. Stud Tires Out
    10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
    13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
    15. Eye Drops off Shelf
    16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
    20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
    26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
    28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
    29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
    30. War Dims Hope for Peace
    31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
    32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
    35. Deer Kill 17,000
    36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
    43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
    44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
    45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
    46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
    48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
    49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
    50. Air Head Fired
    51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
    52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
    53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
    54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
    55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
    57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
    58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

    Condom Slogans

  • Nike Condoms: Just do it.
  • Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
  • Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
  • Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
  • Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
  • Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
  • Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
  • Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
  • Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
  • Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
  • Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
  • New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
  • California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
  • Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
  • KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
  • Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
  • Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
  • Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
  • General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
  • AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
  • Bounty: The quicker thicker picker upper.
  • Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
  • Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
  • M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
  • Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
  • MCI: For friends and family
  • Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
  • The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
  • Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
  • United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
  • The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

    MEN ARE LUNATICS, WOMEN ARE NUTS

  • Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
  • Women have their faults.
    Men have only two. (Everything they say. Everything they do.)
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
    Men invade another country.
    It's a whole different way of thinking.
  • A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
    A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
  • When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
    When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.
  • It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
  • Men always want to be a woman's first love.
    >Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
  • The only way to understand a woman is to love her, and then it isn't necessary to understand her.
  • To women, love is an occupation.
    To men, a preoccupation.
  • To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
  • Men marry because they are tired.
    Women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
    A man, will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
  • There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.
  • Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
  • Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, no use two people remembering the same thing.
  • Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
  • Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • If you women knew what we were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
  • Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.
  • Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.
  • God made man before woman To give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

    SHIT "isms"
    Agnosticism
    What is this shit?

    Agnosticism
    Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens, maybe not.

    Altruism
    Let me give you my shit.

    Americanism
    Who gives a shit?

    Amishism
    Shit dost occur.

    Anal Retentivism
    Keep your shit to yourself.

    Anglicanism
    Our shit doesn't stink.

    Apathism
    I don't give a shit.

    Archimedesmism
    If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit.

    Aristotlism
    Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape.

    Aristotlism (2)
    Shit is real.

    Asatru
    If shit happens, blame it on Loki.

    Atheism
    I don't believe this shit.

    Atheism (2)
    There is no shit.

    Baptism
    You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished.

    Baptist Fundamentalism
    Shit happens because the Bible says so.

    Blondism
    I'm stupid as shit.

    Branch Davidianism
    Shit burns.

    Buddhism
    If shit happens, it really isn't shit.

    Bushism
    Read my lips, no new shit.

    Calvinism
    Man is nothing but shit.

    Capitalism
    Shit happens, and it'll cost you because that's MY shit.

    Carmensandiegism
    Where in the world is that shit happening?

    Catholicism
    Shit happens to you because you are BAD.

    Chauvanism
    We may be shit, but you can't live without us.

    Chestertonianism
    Shit is the farthest thing from shit.

    Christian Fundamentalism
    The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.

    Classical Marxism
    The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.

    Clintonism
    I didn't inhale the shit!

    Commercialism
    Let's package this shit.

    Communism
    Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit.

    Computerism
    Why won't this fucking shit work?

    Confucianism
    Confucius say, "Shit happens."

    Creationism
    ...And the Lord said "Let there be shit"...

    Daffy Duckism
    It's *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine!

    Darwinism
    This shit evolved.

    Deja Vuism
    I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure.

    Dianeticsism
    Even shit can make money.

    Donism
    I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse.

    Dyslexianism
    Hits shapnep.

    Egoism
    I AM the shit!

    Employerism
    This shit is your fault.

    Energizer Rabbitism
    Shit happens... and happens... and happens...

    Environmentalism
    Recycle this shit.

    Euphemism
    Caca happens.

    Evangelicalism
    I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit.

    Evangelicalism (2)
    God has a wonderful plan for your shit.

    Evolution
    Shit is getting better all the time!

    Existentialism
    Shit doesn't happen; shit just is.

    Feminism
    Men are shit.

    Garbagism
    I dump your shit.

    Geocentrism
    Our shit is the center of the cosmos!

    Green Peaceism
    Save this Shit.

    Hare Krishnaism
    Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama.

    Hedonism
    Shitting is pleasure.

    Hinduism
    This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life.

    Hippyism
    Make peace with shit.

    Hitchhikerism
    The answer to all this shit is 42.

    Interrigationism
    'Ve have 'vays of making you shit!

    Islam
    If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

    Jehovah's Witnessism
    Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

    Judaism
    Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Kinisonism
    Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo!

    Libertarianism
    Keep your hands off my shit.

    Lutheranism
    Catholicism is shit.

    Marie Antoinette'ism
    If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead.

    Marvinism
    Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit.

    Materialism
    Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

    Mathematicism
    Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D

    Josh McDowell-ism
    Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop.

    Josh McDowell-ism (2)
    Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage.

    McCarthy-ism
    Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit?

    Mormonism
    God sent us this shit.

    Murphism
    Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.

    Neil Armstrongism
    This is one small shit for me, but a giant heap for mankind.

    Neitzscheism
    A man without a shit is not a man.

    Neitzscheism2
    Shit is dead!

    Occultism
    We eat our shit.

    Paganism
    Shit is part of nature and makes things grow.

    Patriotism
    Give me liberty, or give me shit!

    Patriotism2
    Give me shit, or give me death!

    Perotism
    We're in deep shit.

    Pee-Weeism
    You can't arrest me for that shit!

    Politically Correctism
    Nutritionally Corrected Output happens.

    Pragmaticism
    It may be shit, but it works.

    PTL Club
    Send us your shit.

    Republicanism
    We earned our shit.

    Quayleism
    Shite happense.

    Rastafarian
    Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.

    Sherlock Holmes
    I know where this shit came from.

    Shi'ite Moslem
    When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

    Stoacism
    Shit happens -- deal with it.

    Twelve-Step Meetings
    God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit.

    Unix
    Shit Happened. Core dumped.

    Utilitarianism
    Let's make the best of this shit.

    Waldoism
    Where *is* that little shit?


    Things I learned from the movie "Starship Troopers".
  • 1.It is a very good idea to give your troops beer in hostile territory
  • 2.In the future all but a very few brown people (particularly those in Buenos Aires) will leave the Terran Federation.
  • 3.A society that will show the dismemberment of humans on camera *live* will censor the death of a cow.
  • 4. An asteroid can cross the galaxy in about an hour
  • 5.You can go from private to lieutenant without ever having proven your are qualified in about an hour
  • 6.When a commander finds two of his soldiers in bed and needs them to perform a task he will give them time to finish
  • 7.Even the white population in the tropics will be uniformly light.
  • 8.People with hispanic or asian names will be white and hispanic respectively.
  • 9.One can join the Federal Service immediately premoted to colonel.
  • 10.The Sky Marshall looks like my mom
  • 11.Plasma farts are enough to destroy starships in high orbit above a planet
  • 12.Or worse yet push asteroids to beyond light speed
  • 13.When attempting genocide against a technologically inferior foe you will not think to drop nuclear weapons more powerful than the hand weapons of your soldiers
  • 14.One can outrun the backwash of a nuclear grenade
  • 15.You will have your bombers fly approx 30 feet off the ground and drop weapons that are no stronger than a 20th century bazooka
  • 16.Tanks, helicopters and other support craft were eliminated by the military genius of the Terran Federation in favor of using volunteers as cannon fodder
  • 17.It is a *very* good idea to ignore the animosity between the pilots who drop the troops and the troops who have the guns.
  • 18.The guns that protect Earth will be placed on the Moon in a gigantic two dimensional ring. 20.Brains are nummeee
  • 21.Black leather jackets are perfect for the field
  • 22.Stabbing your recruits and breaking their arms is a fine way to inspire loyalty
  • 23.Reloading is not nessecary until there is a closeup
  • 24.Clips hold about 20 million rounds of ammunition.
  • 25.In the middle of a war to save mankind you will repeatedly run into your old high scool chums.
  • 26.After you have been stabbed through your shoulder with a giant bugs foreclaw you will be able to hug your buddies later on
  • 27.In a class room with interactive electronic displays on the desks students will have paper textbooks
  • 28.People who are missing limbs will be careful not to move the area where the limb should be through space occupied by another person
  • 29.Did I mention the only black guy who got more than one line died and the black lady got serious acid burn?
  • 30.Although if the world population were to be represented by 100 people today 90+% of them would be non-white EVERYONE in the MI will be white
  • 31.Doogie's descendants are just as annoying
  • 32.It is possible to control an entire hostile planet without reasonable air support, some type of cavalry and a military force who carry one rifle a peice
  • 33.The rumbling I heard wasn't the sound. It was my stomach from the bullshit I was force fed
  • 34.No one bothered to teach the Rico that when your fellow soldier has been run through you do not pull out what is currently holding them together
  • 35.Everyone is beautiful, in the super model way
  • 36.It is possible to remain pretty damn clean after a hard day of battling the bugs
  • 37.Sweat? Who needs to sweat?
  • 38.In the middle of a war with hundreds of thousands of casualties, the good friend/sextoy of the main character will receive a formal military funeral with scads of attendees.
  • 39.For some odd reason, soldiers wear extensive body armor to protect everything but what they need to fight with - their hands and their eyes
  • 40.While you can capture the bugs and put them in cages, we cannot find ways of droppping large yield devices on them to kill them
  • 41.High school teachers with one arm make excellent leaders of commando units
  • 42.It is common military strategy to plan an invasion without even gathering intelligence first
  • 43.The fate of all wars rests in the actions of a few swell friends
  • 44.Despite an extensive defense net, no one will notice an asteroid approaching until the last possible moment
  • 45.Whenever you call home something bad happens
  • 46.Apparently being good in math equates into being able to fly a ship recklessly
  • 47.Futuristic space ships will have no means whatsoever of avoiding, deflecting or absorbing massive plasma balls that came from a bugs ass
  • 48.Gigantic bugs are apparently capable of living underground on desert worlds with no known means of nourishment
  • 49.Bugs are so good that they can actually break a planet's gravity pull and land on other worlds with no technology
  • 50.Girls actually want to make love for about ten minutes
  • 51.The military believes that there's nothing better to cheer up the soldiers than an electirc neon violin
  • 52.Dixie the song will be known by Argentinian kids
  • 53.News logos only get cheesier
  • 54.Apparently half the military passed over Harvard to enlist
  • 55.It is a good idea to build a fort in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason
  • 56.Said forts supports wil lbe built on the outside so the enemy can attack them with ease.
  • 57.The futuristic air force has no idea what naplam is
  • 58.Bugs give thier planets cool names like Klendathu
  • 59.Colonels in the intelligence service command missions, experiment on bugs, and do ads.
  • 60.Troops will use nuclear RPGs and grenades without fear of fallout or radiation.
  • 61.If I am in the MI, I won't request cybernetic legs...I'm only allowed cybernetic arms.
  • 62.If I am flying a drop-ship on a rescue mission, I won't use my numerous gun mounts on the invading hordes and clear out some space. I'll send my co-pilot out with an assault rifle--it makes much more sense.
  • 63.One rule: "Everybody fights, no one quits...unless you need to lay down covering fire during a retreat: then you and 200 people turn around and haul ass."

    check out more lists here:
    Jurassic Park 2 http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/ravings/jp2lw.html
    Voyager's Year of Hell http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/review/ryearofh2.html
    Team Knight Rider http://gpgod.home.mindspring.com/ravings/teamknightrider.html

    THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY
  • During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • Most dogs are immortal.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • Kitchens don't have light switches.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.


    Things you DON'T want to hear during surgery.
  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
  • Bo! Bo!!! Come back with that! ...bad dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  • Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie...
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Augh, there go the lights again...
  • "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
  • What's this doing here?
  • I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
  • That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
  • I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  • Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape...
  • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  • What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
  • Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


    NEW COLLEGE COURSES
    SEMINARS FOR MALES
    (prepared and presented by females)

    1. Combating Stupidity
    2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
    3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
    4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
    5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
    6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
    7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
    8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
    9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
    10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
    11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
    12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
    13. You: The Weaker Sex
    14. Reasons to Give Flowers
    15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me
    16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
    17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
    18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try
    19. The Morning Dilemma-If IT's awake: Take A Cold Shower
    20. I'll Wear It If I Darn Well Please
    21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
    22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
    23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull!
    24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
    25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
    26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
    27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
    28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
    29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
    30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
    31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
    32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
    33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
    34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
    35. Techniques of Calling Home
    36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

    SEMINARS FOR FEMALES
    (prepared and presented by males)


    1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
    2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
    3. Elementary Map Reading
    4. Crying and Law Enforcement
    5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
    6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
    7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
    8. The Seven-Outfit Week
    9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly "It's Happened Monthly Since puberty: Deal With It")
    10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
    11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
    12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
    13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
    14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game: A Sacrament
    15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
    16. How to Earn Your Own Money
    17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
    18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
    19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
    20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
    21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
    22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
    23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
    24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
    25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
    26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
    27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
    28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
    29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
    30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
    31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?


    Error Haiku

    ABORTED effort:
    Close all that you have.
    You ask way too much.
    -----------------------------
    Seeing my great fault
    Through darkening blue windows
    I begin again
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    The code was willing,
    It considered your request,
    But the chips were weak.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    A file that big?
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Errors have occurred.
    We won't tell you where or why.
    Lazy programmers.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    wind catches lily
    scatt'ring petals to the wind:
    segmentation fault
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes, and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Everything is gone;
    Your life's work has been destroyed.
    Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Server's poor response
    Not quick enough for browser.
    Timed out, plum blossom.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Login incorrect.
    Only perfect spellers may
    enter this system.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Printer not ready.
    Could be a fatal error.
    Have a pen handy?
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    This site has been moved.
    We'd tell you where, but then we'd
    have to delete you.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    ABORTED effort:
    Close all that you have.
    You ask way too much.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen dies
    so beautifully.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    With searching comes loss
    and the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao, until
    You bring fresh toner.
    - - - - - - - -
    The Web site you seek
    cannot be located but
    endless others exist
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Stay the patient course
    Of little worth is your ire
    The network is down
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    A crash reduces
    your expensive computer
    to a simple stone.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Yesterday it worked
    Today it is not working
    Windows is like that
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    You step in the stream,
    but the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    No keyboard present
    Hit F1 to continue
    Zen engineering?
    - - - - - - - -
    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.
    - - - - - - - - - - - -
    To have no errors
    Would be life without meaning
    No struggle, no joy

    Prophecy Alert!

    1. Start with the given:
    CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

    2. Change all the U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
    CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

    3. Extract all the Roman Numerals
    C V V L D I V

    4. Convert these to Arabic values.
    100 5 5 50 500 1 5

    5. Add them up.
    666

    There you have it! Proof that Barney is the Antichrist.



    How to buy a used COW.


    "'Sacred cows' make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain

    Basic cow ..........................................$499.95
    Extra stomachs .......................................79.25
    Two ton exterior ....................................142.10
    Heavy duty straw chopper ............................189.60
    Milk production system ..............................375.13
    Produce storage compartment .........................126.50
    Four spigot high output drain system ................149.20
    Automatic fly swatter ................................88.50
    Genuine cowhide upholstery ..........................179.90
    Deluxe dual horns ....................................59.25
    Automatic fertilizer attachment .....................339.40
    4+4 traction drive assembly .........................884.16
    Pre-delivery wash and detailing ......................69.80
    Destination Charge ..................................395.00
    Tax, license and title ..............................306.63

    Total list Price..................................$3,884.41


    Flowers, and their meanings.
    FLOWER IT MEANS...
    ===========================================================================
    Red rose:........ Love
    Yellow rose:........ Friendship
    White rose:........ Fear
    Pink rose:........ Indecision
    Green rose:........ I am from Mars
    Lily:........ I am dead
    Dandelion:........ I am very cheap
    Dandelion going to seed:........ I am very cheap and I am dead
    Buttercup:........ I do/don't like butter (rubbed on chin)
    Chrysanthemum:........ I have periodontal disease
    Carnation:........ I ripped this off of some guy's tuxedo
    Posey:........ I want sex immediately
    Daisy:........ I want sex immediately with a large yak
    Sunflower:........ I am hungry
    Crabgrass:........ I just escaped from a mental institution
    Scallion:........ I am clueless


    POSSIBLE SOFTWARE CONFLICTS (for the NON-techie)

    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

    I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

    GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventuall it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

    Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

    Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

    I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

    I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

    Enjoy