The Murray Movie
Dramatis Personae
Guard #1
Guard #2
Mook
Voice #1
Voice #2
Anonymous NASA Guy #1
Anonymous NASA Guy #2
Murray
Mr. T
Anonymous NASA Guy #3
Abraham Lincoln
Andre the Giant
Steve
The KKK
Don John
Plant Delivery Guy
Mook's Army
The Script
{Fade in. Interior of the USS Pilnfork (a spaceship). We see a dimly lit hallway. At the end of the hall are two guards standing in front of a large red button. A man dressed in black reading a book entitled "Ventriliquism for Terrorists" walks in front of the camera. He hides in the shadows and approaches the guards.}
"And then she said, 'Well if you want my keys, you'll have to take them yourself.'"
{Both guards begin to laugh. At the other end of the hall, we hear two voices}
Voice #1: "S'alright?"
Voice #2: "S'alright."
"What was that?"
"Shh... listen..."
{The man dressed in black jumps out of the shadows and punches each guard in the back of the head, knocking them out. He proceeds to push the button and runs down the hall.}
{Cut to interior of Washington NASA Headquarters. Anonymous NASA Guy #1 is working at his terminal.}
ANASAG 1: "Oh, dear god..." {Runs to the commander, ANASAG 2.} "Sir. The self-destruct button on the Pilnfork has been pressed, sir."
ANASAG 2: "Damn! I knew we shouldn't have added that button. Why the hell would you want to self-destruct anyway? Alright. Sound the emergency evacuation alarm."
ANASAG 1: "Sir, the self-destruct mechanism automatically disables the evacuation alarm. We can't do it."
ANASAG 2: "Well, who in the sam-hell came up with that one?"
ANASAG 1: "I believe it was Major Briggs, sir."
ANASAG 2: "I want you to go find Major Briggs, and beat him to death with a spoon. Then, notify the families of the astronauts."
{Back to the Pilnfork. The man in black runs through the ship towards the docking bay, while any noticing crew shrug and go back to work. He hops into a small ship and flies away. We see (obviously mismatched) stock footage of an explosion (possibly some of a building exploding). Scene cuts to inside of the man's ship, where he plots a course for Earth.}
{Cut to interior af Murray's room. Murray is awoken by a phone call. He gets up and answers the phone.}
Murray: {Tired} "Hello...?"
ANASAG 2: "Murray, this is NASA. We need you to fly to Washington, ASAP. It is a matter of national security."
Murray: "No."
ANASAG 2: "Alright. Bye." {Both hang up}
{Cut to Mr. T's house. T is also asleep. Again, the phone rings.}
Mr. T: {Picks up phone} "What you want, sucka'?"
ANASAG 2: "Mr. T, this is NASA. We need you to fly to Washington, ASAP. It is a matter of national security."
Mr. T: "I'll be right there, fool."
{Cut to NASA HQ. Mr. T is lead into a conference room by ANASAG 3.}
ANASAG 3: "Right this way, sir."
Mr. T: "That's right, fool."
{ANASAG 3 leaves. A chair turns around to reveal ANASAG 2. He stands to greet T.}
ANASAG 2: "Mr. T. It is an honor."
Mr. T: "It better be, fool. I'm a helluva tough."
ANASAG 2: "I am familiar with your talents. As you may or may not know, the USS Pilnfork exploded in space last night. It is believed to be the result of an infiltration by the global terrorist and criminal genious known as Mook."
Mr. T: "Well, what you want me for, sucka'?"
ANASAG 2: "Mr. T, we want you to lead a crack commando unit that has been kept in stasis since 1972." {Begins to lead T down a hall.} "During the Cold War, we developed an advanced cloning technique. We've saved it for just such an occasion." {They come to a door.} "Mr. T, I'd like you to meet your team." {ANASAG 2 opens the door. After some fog, Abraham Lincoln and Andre the Giant step out.}
Mr. T: "I'll do it, fool."
{Cut to random stock footage of sex for no apparent reason.}
{Cut to NASA HQ again.}
ANASAG 2: "Mr. T, we've found him. He's in Chicago. He's threatening to blow up Jerry Springer."
Mr. T: "I pity the fool that messes with Jerry. Let's roll."
{Cut to the Jerry Springer studio in Chicago. Mr. T and the gang enter to find the studio empty.}
Mr. T: "This place is empty, fool."
Suddenly, Steve jumps out, followed by the KKK.}
Mr. T: "We've been set up!" {Attacks KKK}
Abe: "Let's take 'em to school, boys." {Pulls a club out from his coat and joins T.}
{Andre says nothing and begins to fight Steve. After a brief skirmish, the three triumph, only to see Mook in a gas mask.}
Mook: "I knew they would be no match for you, T, but they distracted you long enough to breathe in my sleeping gas. Good night."
Mr. T: {Struggles} "I... pity... the..." {T passes out}
Abe: {Also struggles} "I'm gonna emancipate you, bitch!" {Abe rushes Mook, but is knocked out before he makes it}
{Andre is fine. He charges Mook, but Mook pulls out a nailgun ful of elephant tranquilizers, and empties them into Andre. Andre falls.}
{Cut to Murray's house. Murray recieves an express package containing a video tape.}
Murray: "What's this?" {Plays tape. Mook appears on the screen.}
Mook: "Hello, Murray. I am Mook. As you can see" {Camera pans left} "I have captured your friends. If you don't surrender within 48 hours, they will die."
{Murray shuts off the TV and hops in the Murray-mobile. He drives to a bar in downtown Philadelphia. He walks in to find Don John.}
Murray: "Hello, Donfather."
The Don: "Murray, you look troubled. What do you need?"
Murray: "Mr. T is in trouble. I need your help. Here's my plan..."
{Cut to Chicago. Outside of the Springer studio, a flower truck pulls up. An elderly man steps out and brings three potted plants into the studio. Inside he finds Mook and sees the three heroes tied up in the back.}
Mook: "What do you want?"
Plant Delivery Guy: "I have three plants for the set."
Mook: {Annoyed} "Oh, fine. Put them over there." {FDG puts them on the stage then walks up to Mook with a clipboard}
PDG: "I need you to sign here."
Mook: "Fine." {As Mook is signing, PDG jumps to the side and claps his hands. Out of each flower pot jumps a mob guy with an automatic weapon. They begin to fire.}
Mook: "What the hell..." {Mook runs out the side door.}
PDG: {To mob guys} "Thanks, guys." {PDG pulls off a mask and turns out to be Murray. Murray unties T and the gang.}
Mr. T: "Murray, you're a helluva tough. Let's go get that sucka'."
{The heroes hop in the Murray-mobile (hidden inside the flower truck) and drive back to NASA HQ.}
ANASAG 2: "Murray, we've found Mook's hideout. It's in Delaware. It appears that he has been stockpiling nuclear weapons."
{The Heroes get in the Murray-mobile and drive to Delaware on I-95. While driving, they don't notice when Mook pulls up next to them. He pushes a button labeled "Radio override" and puts in Zeppelin IV.}
Murray and crew: {Simultaneously} "Yeah Stairway!"
{While they are distracted, Mook runs the Murray-mobile off the side of the elevated interstate. The Murray-mobile crashes through the roof of a building, and, once "Stairway" is over, Murray and Mr. T step out.}
Murray: "I know where we are. We've landed in the abandoned tank factory."
Mr. T: "I've got a plan, fool."
{We see "A-Team" welding footage, followed by footage of the beefed up Murray-mobile driving through a wall.}
{The Murray-mobile arrives at the Delaware lair, and the heroes attempt to sneak in, but find the door locked.}
Murray: "Don't worry, it's all good." {Murray pulls out the Emergency Rock and uses it to crush the lock. They enter to find themselves surrounded by 30 men.}
Mook: {From behind a control panel} "Ah, Murray. I don't believe you've met my friends..." {Motions towards the thirty} "the Swiss Army."
{All 30 men pull out Swiss Army knives and begin to fight. Abe whips out a chain and attacks. Andre just starts pommeling people. Murray gives T the Emergency Rock, who then joins in, and takes out the Swiss Army wrench and attacks. After a long fight scene, Murray's side wins.}
Mook: "Ha ha ha... good work Murray, but I think your friends will be leaving now." {Mook presses a button, and te floor drops out from underneath T. Andre begins to advance.}
Mook: "Get him, Ice Cube." {Ice Cube jumps out and attempts to elbow Andre in the back of the head, but can only reach the bottom of his shoulder blade. Andre begins to fight with Ice Cube.}
Abe: "I'm gonna kick your ass!" {Abe charges Mook.}
Mook: {Quickly} "All the water in the world would fit in a cube with a side 700 feet long." {Abe is paralyzed with confusion.}
Murray: "So, it's you."
Mook: "Ha ha ha... so, you've figured it out." {Mook pulls off a mask to reveal his true identity: Mr. Palmer.}
P: "But Murray... there's one thing you've forgotten..."
Murray: "What's that?"
P: "The nuclear bombs." {P pushes a button.} "You have 10 minutes to live, Murray."
Murray: "That's it. It's on now." {Murray attacks P, but P pulls out a sledgehammer and hits him, knocking him down. He then draws a gun}
P: "Good bye, Murray." {But before P can fire, he spontaneously combusts. Murray gets the others and drives away in the Murray-mobile.}
Abe: "But what about the bomb?"
Murray: "Eh... it's just Delaware..."
{We see stock footage of a mushroom cloud followed by footage of the Murray-mobile driving into the sunset, its passengers laughing.}
The End