"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchànt for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise only the geniuses possess, and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds -- pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first bribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Villa ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum -- it's breath-taking, I suggest you try it."