Yuu Yuu Hakusho Oyasumi nasai, minna-san...... - by Melissa Koh: safyre@jade-court.darkgod.net - - website: http://safyre.tsx.org - Koenma-sama should be in Ningenkai now. He should be informing them that I am the host of a deadly parasite, and that I'm not going to make it. That I have at most two months before they will have to kill me, lest the parasite breeds and infect the thousands of others in Reikai. Koenma-sama thinks that it will, since it is a synthetic parasite specially bred for killing anyone from Reikai. Koenma-sama had told me, "This parasite comes from Meikai. Several centuries earlier, there was a plague, and many died because of it. It can multiply at a appallingly rapid speed, producing six in every hour." What I did not know was that only the queen could reproduce, and my body hosted her. The Reikai Physician confirmed it, when I went for a full medical check-up six months ago. According to him, this parasite has been dormant in my body for nearly five centuries. She should have remained dormant, that is, until I swallowed the orb of Meikai two years ago. It has been growing within me ever since, feeding greedily on my life-force. Koenma-sama said that I was hysterical when I first found out. The physician had to sedate me before I totally wrecked the examination room. Then, the physician complained that I was too calm to be considered sane when I woke up. I had smiled when Koenma-sama told me that. I did not tell him the reason behind my calmness; because the parasite told me that I would die before she can be freed from me. I knew immediately that Yuusuke would be the one to end both our lives. And I was glad. "Yuusuke will win then," I said. "He won't. He'll never have the heart to kill you. Not if I overtake your body first. You're blind not to notice his obvious concern for you." Her voice had been mocking. "You underestimate him too much." "*You* overestimate him too much," the parasite retorted before she lapsed back to her usual silence. That had been the first and only time we had spoken to each other. I had never forgotten about the conversation, spending sleepless nights trying to figure out what she meant. But even then, I continue to misunderstand the true meaning of her words. Am I being a martyr when I chose to die? Am I being selfish when I chose a route to my peace? Am I weak to want Yuusuke to kill me? I am not afraid of death, because I *am* death. What I'm afraid of, however, is that no one will ever remember me, that no one will know that I have been here. Nothing terrifies me more that the fact that I will be forgotten, doomed to lose my existence, because, despite what everyone says, my death will mean my ultimate loss, *my* end. I will cease to become Botan, Reikai Ferry Guide and assistant to Reikai Investigator Urameshi Yuusuke. My existence will be nothing to the vast stretches of the various worlds. I will never again be able to fly through the pale blue skies on my trusty oar, or smack Yuusuke with it. I would never again see Kurama, Kuwabara, or even Hiei. I am a Spirit Guide, a spirit myself. Losing the physical body is one thing, but to lose my soul is entirely different. I don't wish to live in self-misery. Like ningen females, I only wish to live happily without any regrets, but this dream floats further and further away from me each day as my final breath draws near. Whether I like it or not, I will have to die. As Koenma-sama had told me cynically, "To die as a heroine, or die as a weakling, a coward who fears too much to give up her happiness for others." For days, I had pondered over his words. For days, I had wondered whether there was a ring of truth to them. And even till now, I could not come to a decision. I had tried many viewpoints: first, as the impartial Reikai Ferry Guide. I had failed miserably. I tried to listen to my heart, and was it any surprise that I gained nothing? I feel defeated, lost, as I border the edges of non-existence with every passing moment. Is this my life, the life I spent hundreds of years shaping? Do I have the right to give up my own happiness? Does the parasite have the right to take mine? I have only found more questions and not a single answer to them. Koenma-sama knows nothing of my thoughts, and I don't intend to tell him either. For six months, I kept this secret to myself. No one knew, other than Koenma-sama and the Reikai Physician. It is only out of necessity that my lord has decided to inform the Urameshi Team about my condition. I guess he was just being practical; after all, how else can he persuade Yuusuke to kill me without inflicting injuries upon himself? Though I seriously doubt Koenma-sama will tell anyone else other than just Yuusuke. He feels that it is not important for others to know. And I am standing here in Tokyo Tower's highest level, looking down and admiring the night scenery for what might be the last day of my life. The brilliant lights of Tokyo that changes night to day, the friendly noise level that pounds in my ears...I can feel the slightest twinge of regret wrenching my heart. I will miss this world, even if all that is left of me is a fading memory. The miracles occurred are too many, too beautiful to forget or dismiss. And most of all, I will never, ever forget them, because they are, and always will be, my friends... ........................................... She stands atop the highest floor, looking both frail and strong at the same time. I am reminded of the same person I had the good luck to meet several years back. I would always remember her smiling face as she sat securely on her floating oar and introduced herself for the first time. She is Botan, and I am not at all ashamed to admit that she is dearer to me than Keiko. I am not afraid to say that I love her, simply because I do, with a purity that I thought would never exist until this very moment, as I stare at her proud, graceful figure. There she is, as still and quiet as a marble statue as she stares beyond. For the first time, I wonder what really does her pink irises see? Does she see the world as I do, or does she have some greater, wider vision? These were Koenma's first words when I met him earlier today. He had explained in a voice devoid of all emotion, about Botan's present condition, as well as the fact that I will have to kill her. I remember having yelled at him for even considering that I would hurt her. "Dammit, Koenma! There's got to be another way! You can't seriously expect me to kill Botan just like that!" The entire building shook violently at the volume of my voice, mirroring my boiling temper. "We don't have a choice, and it is her wish after all." Koenma's voice had been near the point of breaking. I could only stare at him in shocked silence while my other senses wailed painfully in fierce denial. I had never believed that she would die one day, and even if I did, I had expected her to outlive me. It was only at that very moment when it struck me just how much I took her presence for granted. I realised at that very moment just how much I love her, but the love I feel for her is different from the one I have for Keiko. What I feel for Botan is something that is hard to describe, and even if I put it down in words, this feeling can never be explained. It would be nothing but flat, two-dimensional words that cannot begin to express my feelings. A sort of tranquillity looms over us, as her back faces me, a gentle night breeze blowing past us. She is still wearing her pink kimono, her impossibly long sleeves fluttering as though they are feather light. And she stands in the midst of the fluttering, swaying lightly on her unsteady footing. Unconsciously, I call out to her. "Botan!" Time pauses for a heartbeat as I watch her turn around slowly, gracefully. I cannot help but stare at her heartbreakingly serene, knowing face. She knows why I am here. She knows what Koenma has commanded me to do. On the other hand, why shouldn't she? "Yuusuke, you're here." Her warm smile wraps tightly around my heart like a fist, clenching it painfully. My breath stops for a moment, as I think. I don't want to do this, but I don't have a choice. I'm just standing here, trying to prolong time, to stop it entirely so that I will not have to do what I've been told to do. And so I wait for her to make her first move. Because I know that she will have something to say. Because, no matter how calm she appears to be, I know that she has unfinished business. I am not blind. Her peony pink eyes cannot hide her thoughts, as I have learnt over the years. As Urameshi Yuusuke. ........................................... He is here at last. I have been here all day, waiting for his appearance. I had told Koenma that as soon as Yuusuke is ready, he should meet me at Tokyo Tower the hour before midnight. Centuries ago, I was born at this hour, and centuries later, I wish to end my life at the same time. Call it a whim of mine, but if I can, I would like to see it fulfilled. But as I gaze into Yuusuke's eyes, I see pain, confusion, doubt, and worse, hesitance. I see in his eyes the reluctance to follow Koenma- sama's orders, and as much as I appreciate it, it is not right. He does not understand that I have made up my mind the second he called out my name. I have chosen my demise. I am selfish. I did not choose this simply for the sake of Reikai. I have chosen it for a reason, for my own good. I want someone to remember me, to remember that I had once existed, a long time ago. And this is my chance, my death wish. "Yuusuke, promise me...promise me that you will never forget me..." I say softly, keeping the distance between us. I know he heard my words, for the look of desperation on his face increases as seconds tick by. I force a brave smile, for both of us. Woman's intuition told me that sooner or later, one of us will break down, and the other will follow. He stares at me with bright eyes for a long moment. Then, in a heartbroken voice, he asks, "Why, Botan? Why this? Why me?" ........................................... She has asked me not to forget her. Such a simple request coming from her, but one that holds so much meaning. And I, in turn, had asked her, "Why, Botan? Why this? Why me?" Kamisama knows just how much she has tried to hold back her emotions. We both know full well that by coming, I have sealed her fate. Tonight is the night I will lose a very close friend. Tonight is the night she will die. Because we have chosen what paths to take. Though similar, at the end of the road, we are lost forever. To me, she is like a book I can read and understand. Her eyes are sad and dry. But inside, she is crying because she is facing this alone. She thinks that she has no one to share her pain, but she is wrong. She does not know that I feel the same way, but then, I haven't told anyone. Not even Koenma knows that I am trying not to cry as I stand here. "You're the only one with enough power and authority. You know that Kurama and Hiei won't do it, and Kuwa-kun is quite powerless." She pauses for effect, before continuing. "And I chose you, Yuusuke, because I trust you." ........................................... "And I chose you, Yuusuke, because I trust you." I say these words from the bottom of my heart. He is the only one I can trust in matters like this. Kurama would never agree in the first place, and Hiei cares very little for killing anyone from Reikai or Ningenkai, even with express permission. Kuwa-kun's powers, while it is quite high for a ningen, he will never agree to hurting me. Yuusuke is both my friend and the only person I know will consent to it, if unwillingly. I extend my hand towards him. "Do it now, Yuusuke. I will not cry, I promise you." This is a promise that I can keep. The parasite has taken everything from me, even my tears. To cry now will be a complete waste of time and energy. His eyes searches for something in mine, though what it is, I don't know. For a moment, indecision fills the emptiness in his eyes, then clears to a resolution. I smile. He has decided to put me out of my misery once and for all. I close my eyes, and stretch out my hands, allowing the blast to fully strike me. ........................................... Because she trusts me, I am obliged to fulfil her wish. There are so many things I don't know about her, but it looks as though I will never have the chance to ask. This is the last time I am ever seeing her. I raise my hand, and locate my target. She stands meekly by the railing. Stifling whatever sobs that threatens to escape, I yell, "Rei-gun!" ........................................... The blasts strike me twice, both equally as powerful as the other. So this is the extent of Yuusuke's power. Now I understand why the parasite had been so afraid of him. "You can't do this to me!" screams the parasite in complete horror. How can I resist smiling, when I have won? When Yuusuke has won? Queenie is dying, and so am I for that matter. I stumble backwards, the impact of two blasts pushing me over the railing. When I feel empty air below me, I know that I am falling. I can't see anymore. My body feels numb, paralysed. So this is how it feels to die. Interesting, I have never really contemplated how it feels like. And to think Yuusuke had gone through it twice. I guess this is the end. Sumimasen, minna-san... Arigato, Yuusuke... and oyasumi nasai... Oyasumi nasai, minna-san... ........................................... I have done it. She is gone, and all that is left of her is a wreath of white peony that sits in her place. I gather it in my hands, sit down and stare at it. To my complete surprise, tears sting my eyes first, then fall, drop by drop as though my sorrow will never end. All because of the Shiko-me, Botan had to die. Because of so many factors, I had to be the one to kill her. All because of all the events that have taken place, I am crying. Crying...what a strange term. It sounds unnatural to my ears. Maybe it's because I haven't cried since I learnt to fight. I had thought if I became stronger, I would no longer cry. I never realised how wrong I was until today. I am crying now, openly as I rock back and forth, hugging the wreath of white peony. It is significant, because it is Botan's last words. Botan...Peony...I will relay your message to the others... As you have kept your promise, I will keep mine... Wasurenai yo, Botan... ........................................... Standard disclaimers apply here. This story is inspired by the play "'Night, Mother', brought about by 'The Joy Luck Club' and a couple of other books and films. Shiko-me are Japanese female devils, and in this case, I have a queen. Botan's name does mean Peony, and Kuwabara is mulberry field. Silk worms, anyone? ^_^ White peony, in flower language, means take care of yourself, or something close to that. I don't have the reference book with me now ^_^'''' The last sentence means 'will not forget', roughly translated. Thanks to Jenni for putting up with me and this fanfic. Did I leave anything or anyone out? Hypertia Tsuyu ---listening to Aqua's 'Turn Back Time' for no good reason... - End Fic - Yuu Yuu Hakusho Oyasumi nasai: Reflections - by Melissa Koh: safyre@jade-court.darkgod.net - - website: http://safyre.tsx.org - Kurama: You left us just like that, without as much as a goodbye. All you did was to kill yourself, and asked us never to forget you. You left Yuusuke in tears, and the rest of us broken-hearted. You left a hole in our hearts and shattered Koenma's. It's been six months since your passing, and I still turn around, expecting you to be on your oar, greeting me with one of your cheerful smiles. But you're not. You're gone forever...Yuusuke made sure of that, hadn't he? He used his Rei-gun, the very powers you used to draw upon, to kill you, didn't he? Where are you now, Botan? Where are you now? Why aren't you with us anymore? Why didn't you tell us about your condition? Why wouldn't you let anyone help? Why did you choose to leave us? Why? Why? Why? Why didn't you wait for just another two months? Why didn't you seek help from me? Was living another day that unbearable for you, that you had to ask Yuusuke to kill you? Why didn't you tell anyone else that you were leaving? Why did you have to leave us forever, breaking our hearts the way you did? Why didn't you wait until I told you that I love you? Botan, can you hear me? I'm saying this. I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. I didn't realise it then, or perhaps I did. But I refused to acknowledge it, until it was too late. You left before I could express anything. You gave up. And I can't forgive you for that. Not then, not now, not ever. You were always the one who encouraged us, the entire Urameshi Team. At the most crucial points of our lives, you were always there, watching us from the dark, giving us your support. You were there at the Ankoku Bujutsukai, encouraging us, giving us your strength. Why couldn't we do the same for you? Why did you abandon us so suddenly? You were our assistant, the Urameshi Team's assistant, our guide. You were chosen to assist us in our missions, be our support. You were never meant to die. You were a Spirit Guide, for Kamisama's sake! You were already as formless as anyone could get. So, why did you die? How could you die? How could you abandon us? No, I won't forgive you for giving up. I won't forgive you for not giving yourself the chance. But I still love you. Then, now...forever. Did you know that after you left, the Urameshi Team split up for good? Kuwa-kun could not forgive Yuusuke and Koenma from hiding the truth, even though Yuusuke knew it only for so long. But Kuwa-kun, in his anger, was deaf to our words, our explanations. He vowed, on the spot, to sever all ties with the Reikai, with Koenma, with the Urameshi Team. He vowed never to bother about the Reikai again, never to forgive the people who had lied to him. He didn't know that the rest of us knew nothing as well, but when we no longer felt your presence, when Koenma fell to his knees, weeping, we guessed something was wrong. But never did we expect that to happen. Never did we expect Yuusuke to kill you. Never did we expect you to die, to leave us. But Kuwa-kun didn't know, and he left. I haven't seen him since then. According to Shizuru---his elder sister, remember?---he had left the country to take up training overseas, as well as to forget about Reikai, the Reikai Investigators, or perhaps, find a way to forgive Koenma and Yuusuke. I wish him good luck. What about you? Yuusuke was shattered, both physically and mentally. Not even Keiko could break him out of the cycle of pain he trapped himself in. He mostly drifted for the first few weeks after your death. He lost interest in many things, his shop, Keiko and even fighting. When the time came for the Makai Tournament, he could not bring himself to attend it. Instead, he sought refuge at Genkai's temple, isolating himself from the rest of the world. He's changed, ever since that time. I visited him yesterday, and he asked me, "Kurama, I would like to become a monk." Had his voice been any less serious, I would have laughed aloud. But he hadn't been joking. His voice was solemn, the warm brown eyes have lost their twinkle. I stared at him, completely speechless. I just didn't know what to tell him. What do you think, Botan? Knowing you, you'd probably scream at him for being such an idiot. You would be smacking him soundly with your oar, telling him to get on with his life. I couldn't tell him that. I lost my courage, just as I lost the chance to tell you that I love you. Are you sick of hearing it? Hiei hasn't stepped out of Makai ever since your death. He's now a Makai Lord and Mukuro's consort. The last I've heard of them was Mukuro's pregnant, possibly with a pair of Koorime twins. Would one of them be a forbidden child like Hiei? I wish them all the best. Koenma is still the Lord of Reikai, and his schedule is more hectic than ever. He doesn't complain as much as before, almost as though he's resigned to it already. George is worried about him, and even Enma-Daioh is pressuring him to take a holiday. But Koenma is strong-willed, just as you were, Botan. Even during his break, he's worried about Reikai. But he mentions neither Reikai nor you in our presence. He doesn't need to; his eyes tell all. His sorrow, his pain...they're as clear as glass panes. If only we could turn back time, and return to our innocence. If only I had the power to stop you then. But we can't. Never again will we see you. Are you here with us? Are you here, invisible, but still watching over me? Do you know that you're always with us, always in my heart? I will keep the promise you asked of us, just as the others will. I will never forget you. * * * * * * * Koenma: I hate you. Why did you do that? People say time heals all wounds, but six months have passed. My heart still aches when I remember you. When I remember your name, your face. I can't shut the memory out, if that's what you're thinking. Are you laughing at me, where ever you are now? Damn you. Why did you have to choose death as your last wish? Why couldn't you have continued living for the last two months of your life? Why did you choose death? Botan, do you hear me? Tell me why! I close my eyes, and there you are, seated on your oar, floating before me. You smile, seemingly alive and carefree. You are free from all pain, all sorrow, all memories. Is that really you, or am I hallucinating? Do you know what you have done? You're selfish and I hate you. Do you know that you left everyone shattered? Your death destroyed the Urameshi Team, and now, Yuusuke is contemplating whether to become a monk. Kuwabara has severed all ties with the Reikai, and he's now overseas, trying to forget everything that has happened. But he won't forget you. And neither will anyone of us, I promise you. Do you know that Kurama loves you? You knew it, didn't you? Was that the reason why you forbade me to tell him? Was that why you asked Yuusuke to kill you, before Kurama could say those three words? You wanted to spare others of the pain, but unwittingly, you only made it worse. You broke all our hearts, our souls. Without you, we were lost. Why did you have to be as silly as to take my words literally? Did it ever occur to you that I was just being defensive? That I'm naturally this gruff? Did it ever occur to you that I wanted to be spared from the pain as well? Why did you ask us never to forget you? It hurts so much just to remember your name. My heart pains just to see a peony. Damn you. It's all your fault. You chose to die. You chose to leave us. Did you know that Kurama might have been able to help? But you chose another path. You *died*. I hate you. You say you're sorry. I wonder whether you weighed the consequences before you chose your path. Well, did you? Or did you plunge forward like your usual self, regardless of the consequences? Did you consider the pain that you would be putting us through? You didn't, am I right? You thought that we couldn't care less. You. Were. Wrong. You. Abandoned. Us. You left a white peony in your place, telling us to take care of ourselves. Furthermore, you pushed everything to Yuusuke. Do you know what happened to him? Do you know how crushed he was, *inside*? Why didn't you think about him when you chose your demise? Why did you have to hurt us so much? Why, Botan, why? When I asked you to choose, I didn't mean that you should choose to die. You had two more months! Two more months to live and you gave it up. You sacrificed it...for who? For what? All that was gained was pain, grief, anger and nothing else. Did you believe that the Shiko-me would destroy Reikai entirely? You're wrong. Even the destruction of Reikai would be worthless compared to your loss. Compared to the pain you put us through. You hurt everyone whom you love, everyone who loved you, cared about you. I hate you. * * * * * * * Yuusuke: Six months. Half a year. A hundred and eighty days. Four thousand, three hundred and twenty hours. I never knew that I was a Math genius. You've been gone for that long. How are you now, Botan? Are you completely free? Are you completely well? If you are, then I'm happy for you. It's been so long since I last saw you. You asked for your release, asked me to kill you. You kept your promise, you didn't cry. Instead, I was the one who broke down. I've been crying ever since. And I wonder why. Botan, can you hear me? Are you with me, by my side? All that I have of you are just memories. But they are sweet memories, sad in a way, but enough to remember you by. Do you know how sweet you looked when you smiled, when you laughed? Do you know how determined, how strong you looked when you stayed with us during the battle with Sensui? Do you know how fragile, how delicate you looked on the day I killed you? Do you know any of these? Can you hear my thoughts? Are you there in the first place? Why must you die? Why did I have to be the one to kill you? Do you know what Kuwabara said when I returned home, when I announced your death? He slammed me against the wall and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me hard. I never knew that he was so strong. I did not fight back, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't find the strength. Why? Why did your death shake me so badly that I could not bear to attend the Makai Tournament? Why am I constantly haunted by what I did? Why can't I forgive myself? Kuwabara's words haunt me daily. Is he right, Botan? Tell me please! Answer me, anything! Kurama said he loved you. Did I destroy his happiness then? What have I done? You thanked me when I fired that blast at you. I watched you bit back a scream. You cried out soundlessly, but the pain you suffered could not be erased from your features. Why did you still thank me? I sense your presence around me, but I can't see you. Are you really there, or am I just imagining things? Am I slowly becoming insane? I hear your light giggle. Is that really you? "Botan?" But Kurama could have saved you... Your voice fades away. Botan, are you still alive? Are you still with us? Will you always be with us, until the day when we meet again? Botan, you must wait for us. Wait for Kurama, for Koenma, for Hiei, for Kuwabara, and for me. You will, won't you? You promise. A cool breeze brushes past me, like lips pressing against my cheek, gentle and fleeting. Or is that you? Laughter, like bells, sound in the air. Light, cheery and unrestrained. Just like you, Botan. I know the answer now. Thank you, Botan. Domo arigato. * * * * * * * Author's ramblings: Standard disclaimers apply here. This is a spin-off from 'Oyasumi nasai, minna-san'. I was bored and had to find something to do ^_^' I know, all the characters are out, but I can't help it. It's called frustration after figuring out that Maths and Chinese are your worst subjects. But hey, at least I passed my lit [which I hadn't been counting on]... And yes, I do realise that I included some irrelevant info...but, being psychotic at times does grant certain privileges ^_^ Everything is written in first person for a very simple reason: this fanfiction writer cannot write in third person pov. Completed on: 30/09/1998 - End Fic -