The hue and cry was great, so here's my special Wand of Wonder list. I submitted this to Dragon about 3 or 4 years ago but they turned it down. I present it here for the net's amusement and bemusement...

"Near to a month ago I happened to meet an old comrade from back in my days as an adventurer. After bringing each other up to date on our respective doings of late, he took a bundle of cloth from his pack. This he unwrapped to reveal a slender wand of apparently inferior quality. 'Habus,' he said to me, 'I recently came upon this wand in the cache of a vile monster. Because I was not accompanied by a sorcerer, I attempted to invoke it myself. To my great surprise, a bolt a lightning sailed forth and totally destroyed the boulder I had aimed at. Thinking I had found a powerful device, I kept it handy in case I was accosted by some creature. Sure enough, the very next day a griffon, thinking to make a meal of my mount, swooped down in attack. Luck was with me, for I had time to invoke the wand. Habus, lightning did not strike the creature dead! Instead, a disembodied hand appeared before the creature and poked it in the eyes! I was as much taken aback as it was, but I managed to recover and once again invoke the wand. This time, the griffon was transformed into a likeness of myself! Since the monster was flying at the time, and also since it now found itself utterly devoid of wings, it crashed into the ground at a great rate of speed. It was stunned and I had time to slay it before it recovered. What I want to know is, what in the name of the gods is this wand?'

"I took the wand from him and agreed to examine it. Because he was a friend I decided to forgo my usual fee. I found that it had not just one function, nor even the three my friend spoke of. The wand had absolutely no set function! Apparently it was magicked at one point, but never given a specific dwoemer. As a result, anything could have happen when it was invoked.

Careful examination and research have produced the following facts:

"Items of this sort are quite uncommon. In any case, they are seldom intentionally produced. More often, a powerful mage attempts to magick an item of inferior quality. The item will become magical but will not take on any specific dwoemer. When a person later invokes such a device he in effect says 'I wish...' and leaves it at that. As a result, anything can (and will) happen. Research, both mine personally and that of others, has produced an incomplete listing of possible effects for what I call the Wand of Wonder."

01 Target is slowed.

02 Deludes wielder into thinking wand worked some other way.

03 Gust of wind, as if cast by 9th level magic user.

04 Stinking cloud at 3" range.

05 Heavy rain falls in 6" radius of wielder.

06 Summon rhino (1-25), elephant (26-50) or mouse (51-00).

07 Lightning bolt (6d6) strikes target.

08 600 butterflies stream from wand, blinding everyone for 2 rounds.

09 Target enlarged to twice its size.

10 Darkness, 3" hemisphere about wand.

11 Grass grows in 16" radius of wand.

12 Sends target (if non-living) to ethereal plane.

13 Diminishes wielder to 10% of normal height.

14 Fireball (6d6) hits target.

15 Wielder becomes invisible.

16 Leaves grow from target.

17 10-40 gems (each of 1 GP base value) shoot forth in a 3" long stream for 1 HP damage each (roll 5d4 to see how many hit target).

18 Shimmering colors dance over a 4"x3" area in front of wand -- creatures inside blinded for 1d6 rounds.

19 Flesh to stone (or reverse if target is stone).

20 1 point added to wielder's main attribute (18/00 max).

21 Animates dead (1 figure) if within 6".

22 Audible glamer as if cast by 6th level magic-user.

23 Color spray hits target as if cast by 6th level illusionist.

24 Wielder comprehends languages.

25 Creates a gourmet meal (with silverware, table, etc.) for 1d4 people.

26 Cures 1d8+2 HP to wielder.

27 Levitates wielder 10 feet.

28 Continual light cast at target.

30 Stream of 6d6 rotten tomatoes stream out from wand up to 3" range.

31 Spaghetti spews forth and webs target (sauce and meatballs follow).

32 A cloud (1" radius of target) of dust of sneezing and choking appears.

33 Target takes 3d8 points of damage, as if from an invisible sword.

34 Cone of cold shoots towards target (10d4+10 points damage).

35 1d4 icicles shoot out and hit target for 1d4 points damage apiece.

36 Frisbee flies out.

37 Teleports target to 10' in front of wielder.

38 Disintegrates target.

39 Wall of fire (2d6 damage) cast at target.

40 Wall of ice (10'x10'x1') forms between wielder and target.

41 Wall of styrofoam (10'x10'x1') forms between wielder and target.

42 A jet of blue flame (20' long) shoots out, for 4d6 damage.

43 Turns target to a randomly determined color.

44 All of target's hair falls out (or target grows hair if bald).

45 All of wielder's hair falls out (or wielder grows hair if bald).

46 Wand turns into a ring (but functions normally).

47 Wand turns invisible.

48 Wand turns to another type of wand until it is used once, then reverts to its usual form and powers.

49 All nocked arrows within 100' burst into flame.

50 10,000 ping-pong balls fall from the sky onto target.

51 Paper bag envelopes target.

52 Creates 2d4 identical images of wielder, all facing different ways.

53 Levitates target 10'.

54 Summons policeman from New York City.

55 Summons horse with cart and driver.

56 Causes target to become amorous enough to grab first member of the opposite sex of any species.

57 Paralyzes target.

58 Paralyzes wielder.

59 Paralyzes both target and wielder.

60 Paralyzes Aunt Sally in Jersey City.

61 Summons Marvin the Paranoid Android.

62 Beatles music streams forth, attracting only hippy monsters.

63 Devo music streams forth, driving all intelligent creatures away.

64 Floor starts to talk to wielder (but no one else can hear it).

65 Target turns gaseous.

66 Diminishes target to 10% of height.

67 Projects image of He-Man in front of target.

68 Puts a door (3'x8'), closed, between wielder and target (if walls are more than 3' apart, there is empty space between doorframe and walls).

69 Summons Marty the Martian looking for the Illudium 238 Space Modulator.

70 Causes target to do Otto's Irresistible Dance.

71 Opens pit (10' deep) under target.

72 Opens pit (10' deep) under wielder.

73 Turns target invisible.

74 1d4 shriekers appear and begin shrieking.

75 Causes loud laughter to come from walls (or trees, if outside).

76 Outlines target with faerie fire.

77 A whirlwind deposits a young girl and her dog between wielder and target.

78 Target falls in love with wielder.

79 Target feigns death.

80 Target dies.

81 Rock under target turns to mud.

82 Summons 18 dwarves with picks looking for gems.

83 Bubbles shoot forth, blinding everyone within 2" for 1d4 rounds.

84 Wand shoots a low-power (optical) laser beam from its end.

85 A deck of many things appears, wielder must draw 1-4 cards (number to be decided by wielder).

86 Charms target.

87 Groo wanders in.

88 Target shrinks to 2" and is imprisoned in a crystal ball.

89 A gong appears and a mallet strikes it 1d8 times, then both disappear.

90 Wielder changes sex.

91 Wand grows to 16' long and 3" in diameter.

92 Wand turns to limp rubber.

93 A booming voice sounds, "Give up! You cannot win!"

94 Target polymorphs into form of wielder.

95 Two fingers form and poke target in the eyes.

96 A hand forms and tickles target.

97 Target explodes, doing 2d6 damage to everyone within 30'.

98 Target turns to water.

99 Wielder falls asleep (nothing can wake him).

00 Target becomes loyal follower of wielder (whether wielder likes it or not!)

The astute reader will notice that few durations are given. Duration should be determined by the DM to fit the given circumstances, typically ranging from a few seconds to several days, or even permanent! I find durations of about 5 rounds to be sufficient in most cases. Also, if the DM doesn't understand a reference (ie., Groo in #87 or Marvin in #61), he or she should feel free to substitute. Remember, a wand of wonder is merely an excuse for the DM to have a good time!

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