College Essay

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant applying to

colleges/universities. The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher,

now attends NYU

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 3A. ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW 

YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE 

FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU 

HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE 

HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have

been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more

efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for

Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

      I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot

bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute

Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,

and an outlaw in Peru.

       Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly

defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army

ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject

of numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges

in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I

repair electrical appliances free of charge.

        I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I

don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have

been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I

toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat

.400.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international

botany circles.

     Children trust me.

      I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and

still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the

exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed

several covert operations for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do

sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully

negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The

laws of physics do not apply to me.

        I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On

weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years

ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have

made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

 I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,

cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have

spoken with Elvis.

        But I have not yet gone to college.