"The ability to quote is no excuse for a lack of creativity!"



And the girl turned to me and spoke, "If an incurable disease swept the world and, though it did not kill, everyone's eyesight was suddenly tinted purple... and every baby was born seeing things more purple than all those generations before this disease, would anyone notice the change after a little while?"
In response, I handed her a fresh peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and recounted to her a popular idea of the time, "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."-Douglas Adams
With a careful sigh, and a knowlegeable wink, she left the kitchen to go ask her mother.


This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
-Miss Piggy, The Muppet Show


"In the words of Socrates, 'I drank what...?'"
-Val Kilmer in Real Genius


"I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true."
-Dave James


"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
-Kilgore Trout


"Symptoms of Cyanide poisoning are excitement, convulsions, respiratory distress, and spasms. Another warning sign is death, which can occur without any of the other symptoms."
-Cecil Adams


John-"Haven't you even considered it once?"
Dave-"No way! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!... Maybe once..."


"I know the day it happens. On August 29, 1997 it's going to feel pretty fucking real to you too. Anybody not wearing two million sun block is going to have a real bad day. Get it?" -Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton), in Terminator 2: Judgement Day


"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
-Bobcat Goldthwait


"I don't care about your life, so why should you?"
-James Bailey


"Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."
-from Monty Python and the Holy Grail


"Thinking.........................."
-Apple 2e


We are more alike than unlike, my dear captain. I have pores, humans have pores. I have fingerprints. Humans have fingerprints. My chemical nutrients are like your blood. If you prick me , do I not... leak?
-Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation


"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-Jerry Seinfeld


"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-Jake Johansen


When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get"
-Homer J. Simpson


"I always wondered why we don't celebrate Thanksgiving with a pinata. I think it would be fun to cook up a big turkey, fill it with mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy and then tie it to the ceiling and bash it with a stick until all the goodies fall out for the kiddies to grab."
-Jennifer Bieneman


"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook


"Just because we're watching a movie and it's dark doesn't mean you can... eeeek! Mmmmmm..."
-Unknown


"...And I went up there and said, 'Shrink... I wanna kill. I wanna kill. I wanna, I wanna... I wanna see... I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in mah teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean, KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!' And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, 'KILL! KILL!' and he started jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down yellin 'KILL! KILL!' And then the sergent came over in the middle of us, sent me down the hall and said, 'You're our boy'..."
-Arlo Guthrie, "Alice's Restaurant"


"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
-New York Times, November 26, 1991


Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of--but do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
-Lazarus Long


FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
-unknown


Everybody lies about sex.
-Lazarus Long


When it's 105 in NYC, it's 78 in LA.
When it's 20 below in NYC, it's 78 in LA.
Of course, there are 4 million interesting people
to talk to in NYC, and 78 in LA.
-Neil Simon


"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Albert Einstein


Never moon a werewolf.
- Mike Binder


"Once upon a time there was this little sparrow who while flying south for the winter froze solid and fell to the ground. And then, to make matters worse, a cow crapped on him... but the manure was all warm and it defrosted him and he's warm, and he's happy to be alive and he starts to sing. And a hungry cat comes along and he cleans off the manure and eats him. So the moral of the story is... Everyone who craps on you is not necesarily your enemy, and everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend, and if you're warm and happy, no matter where you are you should keep your big mouth shut."
-Julianne Moore in Assassins


Man - a creature created at the end of a workweek when God was tired.
-Mark Twain



"The question isn't whether the glass is half empty or half full. My complaint is that you filled it with Drain-O!"
-Rev. David A Reynolds,
from Experiments in Public Drunkenness



"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."
-Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness


Thrax5: "are you seeing little elves chassing the pink bunny around the room"
Copperneck: "no the pink bunny could kick those stupid little elves across thailand"

Brain - "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Pinky - "Uh, I think so Brain, no, no, it's too stupid."
Brain - "We will disguise ourselves as a cow"
Pinky - "Narf! That was it exactly!"

One dark day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to save the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true... ask the blind man, he saw it too.
-unknown

Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Whoof, oh, I'd have to say the odds of that are terribly slim Brain.
Brain: True.
Pinky: I mean, really, when have I ever been pondering what you've been pondering?
Brain: To my knowledge, never.
Pinky: Exactly. So, what are the chances that this time, I'm pondering what you're pondering?
Brain: Next to nil.
Pinky: Well, that's exactly what I'm thinking, too.
Brain: Therefore, you *are* pondering what I'm pondering.
Pinky: Poit, I guess I am!


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"That ought to keep the little squirts happy!" -Brain