In my experience civilised life is always best found in large conurbations. Why is this? Because whatever your peculiar pastime likeminded souls will be available once critical mass has been reached. The internet is, in a sense, an enormous city, which is why, however minority your interest is, be it Anarcho-Syndicalism, Star Trek, white supremacism or child porn, you can find it on the net.

Obviously there is a dark side to every city, as every city has examples of all human life, from the saints to the psychopaths, and from the dull to the daring. However, this goes with the territory, and has to be accepted. For instance any decent sized city will have drugs killings, because due to prohibition many drugs have to be sold on the black market, and thus any decent sized drug using population will create a large organised crime movement, just like when the USA prohibited alcohol it created the mafia.

I therefore would probably not bother to visit a city without some drugs killings, as it is probably just too small to have many illegal drug users and is therefore fairly unexciting.

The other big advantage of cities is that you don't have to bother with cars, which, let's face it, are a pain in the arse. In London you've got the tube, in Sheffield or Manchester you have trams, so you don't have to go without drugs, legal or illegal, in order to get somewhere and you can concentrate on listening to music on oversized headphones, playing chess, talking to your friends, banging the bongos or eying up fellow passengers whilst travelling.

At this point I should admit that currently I live in a shitty little village since I finished my air conditioning degree in Sheffield a couple of weeks ago. This is, of course, only a temporary state of affairs, and I shall be moving into the biggest metropolis possible as soon as I can find some way of making some queen's heads.

But I digress, basically the people are more interesting and the possibilities less limited once you step into the urban arena: ie they are more extreme. We may be able to get the internet even where I live (a small mountain village in Nepal), but it's hard to get a decent conversation with the boring yak farmers who live here. The cyberworld provides some satisfaction, but there are still no women who are sufficiently beautful and sophisticated to fulfil the Flinchster's fantasies.

If you're old and boring you want a boring small place to live, I am neither so I want an interesting big place to live such as:

Manchester, England

Lots of drugs killings, lots of good clubs, great library, great record shops, especially Vinyl Exchange and Fat City, which are usefully adjacent, lots of good cafes, good gay area (Canal Street), some crap and one good university, great Chinatown, great baltis in Rusholme and lovely women everywhere: I like this place a lot.

Sheffield, England

Like Mancland Sheffield has a good tram system and great clubs, (see previous article). Though it lacks a good gay area or Chinatown, this place has special apeal to me, because I went to a great university there, and had more sex, drugs and rock and roll than I have done anywhere else.

Georgetown, Pinang, Malaysia

Whilst in Malysia I only went to two cities, Kuala Lumpur, and Georgetown, in Pinang, where my Chinese Malaysian friend lives. KL loses out to Pinang, because it is just too hot and humid to be comfortable in, whereas Georgetown is a little cooler (28oc on a cold day) and, being on an island, is close to some beautiful beaches, as well as being a thriving metropolis. The main downside to Georgetown, which basically takes up the whole of Pinang island, and is one huge Chinatown, is that the penalty for possession of cannabis is death.

Edinburgh, Scotland

I went here for the first time at NYE 2000, a vastly overhyped event, but not a vastly overhyped city: it deserves the hype. Tall buildings, great atmosphere, good mountain (Arthur's Seat) which I was at the top of for the dawn of the phoney millenium.

London, England

My Nan lives there, and basically it rocks. Great art galleries, clubs, libraries (especially the new one in Peckham), and basically everything a human could want from any culture. It's all mixed together in London town, which is why when that pathetic brain-damaged idiot tried to kill black and gay people he ended up killing straight white people as well: we're not as keen on segregation as the bloody yanks.

Cork, Ireland

Like most of Ireland a little more chilled than Blighty, and much friendlier, it's great for the craic: the clich� is true

When I've travelled a bit more I'll be able to add some more to the list, but for now these are my favourite. Until then, the essential message is this: cities good, villages and towns bad.

Mr Flinch

10 things a city should have:

1. good record shops (not CD shops)
2. good clubs
3. a Chinatown
4. drugs killings
5. beautiful women
6. a gay area
7. good libraries
8. good caf�s
9. a proper university
10. decent public transport