it's good to wank
In this article I stick two (sticky) fingers up to the Pope and soliloquise on the joys of masturbation, or as Woody Allen called it "Sex with someone you love". The article will be, I'm afraid, rather male-orientated, due to my own gender, and the fact that women aren't quite so keen to get their fingers sticky. If any woman wants to rectify this, by writing a sister piece on female masturbation, I will be happy to publish it.
solo sex is safe sex
In sex education at school they told you all about safe sex didn't they, (well your biology teacher put a condom over a test tube anyway) but did they ever point out that the only truly safe sex is that which is done solo? Has anyone ever caught AIDS, syphillis or gonorrhea from having sex with themselves? I think not.
porn
When we get on to the sticky subject of masturbation we inevitably have to deal with the stickier subject of pornography: is it morally bankrupt? Does porn degrade women as sex objects? I would say, without being an expert, that yes it does. In the interests of research I bought a porn mag, and quite frankly it's disgusting: the message comes loud and clear: woman are easy slappers just gagging to be shagged. For this reason funky mf decries porn, and that includes Loaded etc, as it is at present. It is probably possible for non-offensive porn to be made, but I've never seen any. Then again, how foolish would you have to be to take Big Ones as an accurate representation of female behaviour? We need a female perspective here, methinks, so give me a hand women (er, so to speak).
fantasies
Clearly a vital part of masturbation, as few are actually turned on by their own right (or left) hand, my own preference is imagination over porn, which can actually be a lot more dirty, especially for women, porn for whom is not allowed to include erections (eh?). Domination, submission, nurses, doctors, men in uniform, suspenders and stockings, multiple bed occupancy: it's fair to say all these have played a part in messing up many a duvet.
conclusions
Wanking good, porn dodgy. All drugs/sex recommendations in issue one can be applied to solo sex, it should be pointed out.
For those about to wank, we salute you!
Tobias Flinch
Add to, take the piss out of, or point out the glaringly bullshit in, this article