How To Be Evil - A Guide by Dr. Iniquious Sable .(edited by TF)
Greetings slime. So you want to be evil, eh? Well reading this article is a good first step in the quest. In it I shall give you a few pointers that will put you in the right direction, straight to hell! Enjoy.
Can I Be Evil?
You may be worrying that you are too 'nice' a person to start being evil, but never fear. Human beings, by their very nature, are evil creatures; the only thing stopping them from wiping each other out totally is that they are taught not to. Being 'good' is drummed into every human from the moment they are born, from parents, religion, society and the media - all are giving the message that being good is the only way to be. Don't worry though, this 'good' nature is learned behaviour, and can be easily unlearned. Forget about everything you learned about being nice and helping others. Just ask yourself this simple question - would you rather your actions benefit you, or other people? If you answer with the latter then you should probably stop reading here. Just go back to your normal 'good' life. Just don't be surprised when you are mercilessly crushed by me and my minions as we slowly rise to power without you noticing because you were too busy 'helping people '. Those of you who gave the correct answer, please read on.
People Who Can't Be Evil.
Of course not everyone has it in them to be evil. Putting aside those who don't want to be evil for a second, there are also people who want to be evil, but shouldn't. These are fat people, and I'm not talking about slightly podgy either - if you have a bit of flab that's ok, I'm talking to the people who look down and can't see their feet. You fat bastard, although depriving a developing nation of sustenance and causing famines wherever you go is evil, it's also shit. Your evilness stems from your desire to consume vast quantities of food, not to rid the world of happiness for all eternity - it's as though you're evil by accident. It may be that you tire of your fat evil, and want to branch out into other areas. Tough. You're too fat, and you smell. Evil people shouldn't be repulsive, they should just be hated - granted I'm sure you are hated wherever you go, but you also make people sick to their stomach, and that's not what evil is about. You also radiate heat from you massive body - another failure, porky. Evil people should be cold. When an evil person walks into a room, people should start to shiver - that's how cold they have to be. You will also notice that when an evil person walks into a room, the other occupants don't start to wretch uncontrollably. This is because they don't smell either. They don't have vast oceans of sweat pouring from every pore in their body, unlike you. You stink. The question you should be asking yourself is not "Can I be evil?" - but rather "Can I be allowed to continue living?" The answer, sadly for you, is no.
The Evil Voice.
One of the main factors of the evil persona is the voice. The evil person's voice should exude hatred with every word spoken. You should try to sound as if the very effort of talking to someone fills the back of your throat with bile, and that you are choking on your own hatred as you speak. You voice should also contain hints of disgust, as though the very person you are talking to has just said something that has sickened you to your very soul. This should no be too hard, as after a while they probably will. If you have a very soft voice or a high voice, then you don't quite fit the evil mould I'm afraid. Try some kind of voice synthesiser, like Darth Vader.
The Evil Stare.
The evil stare is another very important part of being evil. You should be able to give a look that terrifies people. You should try to look through people, not at them. This will give people a sense of worthlessness, and they will stop looking at you and find someone else to bother. If you want to try for a really evil stare, try to picture the person who is talking to you being beaten mercilessly to death. After you have done this you may notice that a smile has crept over your face without you realising. Do not be alarmed, this is perfectly normal, it is a sign that you are doing the evil stare properly. Facial features can also be a great boon to the evil stare, if for example you have pointy evil eyebrows, feel free to arch them evilly when you stare. If you have eyebrows that arc softly, however, you made find the evil stare hard to pull off, and that instead of being scared people will ask you if you are ok. Not a god sign. Scars can also be a good way to scare people, but don't make your scar too big. There's a fine line between looking evil and looking ugly. Also, make sure you make up a good story about how you got the scar if the truth isn't evil enough or is just plain stupid. Fortunately I don't have to make up a story. I received my scar when one of my genetic monsters escaped from my laboratory and went on a killing spree. I was about to be diced by its claws, when I shouted the shutdown code "Lightning Seeds" (a safety clause I build into all my genetic toys which causes their brain to fry), and I escaped with just a small scratch on my forehead.The Evil Smile. The smile is more of a grimace or a sneer than an actual smile. As an evil person you should never go around smiling all the time. This is what 'normal' people do; you are above this. There are times, however, where you will need to smile. Occasions such as seeing an enemy struggle for his life, crushing people's hopes and dreams, wiping out entire nations - they all require some facial response for effect, and in most cases you will be unable to stop yourself. Try only smiling with one half of you mouth, or pulling your mouth back over your teeth slightly for a mean looking grimace.
The Evil Laugh.
The evil laugh can be quite hard to pull off, but if you succeed it can be quite terrifying to your opponents. Try to reach deep down inside yourself and find the inner rage that you have accumulated over your life, then bring it out in a fit of maniacal laughter. The evil laugh is not suitable for all occasions though, sometimes an evil chuckle will do. This goes something like "heh heh heh", whilst doing the evil smile. Evil laughs and chuckles should be used when things are going according to plan and your scheme is almost complete, you should have no use for them at other times.
Evil Clothes.
There are no truly evil clothes - except for Kappa tracksuits (which aren' t really evil, just shit. If you wear a Kappa tracksuit, kill yourself.) There are, however, certain guidelines about what evil people do and do not wear. The evil person should go for bland clothes without pictures or labels of any kind. Dark colours are best, with black being the most evil of all. I know black is a bit of a clichi, but really it is the best to go for. Evil people aren't concerned with style any way - we are above the pettiness of fashion. Grey is also a nice evil colour, almost as good as black. Whilst it doesn't have the evil connotations of black, it can represent depression and gloominess, and thus justifies its place on the evil rainbow (which has only two colours). Bright, happy colours should be avoided like homeless people, as they promote an image that is totally opposed to the evil one you are trying to create. Red, which could be considered a dangerous colour, is too bright to be truly evil. Although I said that clothes without labels are the ones to wear, there are exceptions to this rule. Let us imagine, for example, that the oil company "Shell" has caused a huge spillage on a beach somewhere, wiping out wildlife and people's homes. In this case wearing a shirt with the Shell logo on would be a deliciously evil thing to do - only wear it until the spillage is cleaned up though, make your evil topical.
Your Evil House.
An evil person's lair is very important. You should choose your base carefully. After all this is not only where you will live, but also where you will plot, scheme, torture, maim, watch tv, wash dishes, sleep, eat, plan take-overs of small countries, shower, etc. Make sure your evil lair is big, it has to accommodate many rooms. The war room, for example, should be large and domineering, a perfect place to hatch evil schemes. I myself have my lair in a large castle; this has towering spires that strike fear into all that gaze upon them, it's also large enough to accommodate my laboratory where I conduct my evil experiments, like creating an army of Michael Bolton clones.
Your Evil Nemesis.
Every great villain should have his nemesis. Moriarty has his Sherlock Holmes, The Joker has his Batman and Darth Vader has his Luke Skywalker. So how do you go about finding a nemesis? It's not easy, you can't just go out to Nemesis's R Us and pick one up. My own nemesis, Professor Inamorato Van Blithe, first came into my life after my attempts to genetically alter cute fuzzy rabbits so that they would emit poisonous gas on the first Thursday of each month. He was appalled by this idea for some reason, and in retaliation he created the pop group "Hanson". We have been bitter enemies ever since. In other words you cannot go out and find a nemesis, but when you are evil enough, one will find you.
Evil Politics.
Truly evil people have no time for politics, unless they are politicians of course. There is little difference between the main two parties, and little point in any of the lesser ones. They seem to have too much fun bickering between themselves for them to really be of any use or threat to you. They are best left ignored.
Evil Pretty Flowers.
Fool! That was just a trick! If you thought for a second that pretty flowers could be evil then you should stop reading now, you have no place in the evil underworld.
Evil Pets.
Some pets, like snakes and spiders, have quite an evil reputation about them. Insects and reptiles are not much fun, however, and aren't really cute enough to cuddle. Dogs can be quite evil, especially the fiercer scarier dogs, but they seem to shit uncontrollably and drool al the time. In short, they suck. Cats are the best pets for those of you who want to be evil. Cute and furry, yet filled with hatred. They can sit and glare at you for hours on end, and always give the impression they could take you or leave you. They also enjoy keeping small animals alive just to play with them, fantastically evil.
Final Thoughts
That's pretty much it. However, before you start your life of evil, you should be sure that that's what you want to do. Being evil isn't really that much fun. So if you think that you want to give the normal world another try and want to find 'happiness', then good luck to you, scum. For the rest of you who foresee nothing but misery in your life, and want to share a little of it with the rest of the world, I hope this guide helps you out a little. I'd wish you good luck, but I'm too evil! Hatefully Yours, Dr. Sable
Tobias'evil comment: if you got to the end of this article you obviously are evil, or just bored. See the newly augmented Contributor Profiles for details on Dr Sable.