Today's mantra is sponsored by Synthetico, makers of the world's finest and least harmful artificial food additives. This mantra is the result of over one thousand years of intensive self-exploration by Indian and Tibetan mystics, with a little help from the plumber down the street.

For best results, this mantra should be taken with every meal and keep out of the reach of children - you never know where they've been or what they've been doing.

Medical authorities warn that there is a chance that some people might become addicted to this mantra and that it may cause irreversible ego-loss and an inability to indulge in conflict so use it with care.

I am prepared to offer a full money-back gurantee for the first 100 customers. If you're not completely satisfied within ten lifetimes you will get your money back as long as I am still present in this three-dimensional level of existence. Now, I can't be fairer than that, can I?

A few people may experience an adverse reaction to this mantra, especially if you have a genetic predisposition or if your DNA has been radically modified by alien abduction or from watching too much television. For these people, I would recommend the following:

I am a fuzzy little dot - sometimes cold and sometimes hot - I do not really need a lot - now I know just what is what

But don't just take my word for it. Here are some genuine testimonials from all over the globe:

"I was very skeptical at first when a friend recommended these mantras to me. Quite frankly I thought all this spiritual stuff was a bunch of hooey. But then I started using the mantras in the evenings when I had finished coating my windows with honey and the results were amazing. I started to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and my head started spinning. I felt my consciousness expanding into regions that I would never have previously dared to imagine. My dreams became expanded and elaborately symbolic experiences as my soul traveled far beyond the boundaries of this plane of existence. Even my hair started to grow again and it changed from a lifeless greyish hue back to its original colour of jet black. After a few weeks, even my friends started to notice the changes in me. They would say to me, 'Mate, we are starting to notice a definite change. All your atoms have been re-arranged. Your personality has improved at a sub-atomic level. You're such a charming and unforgettable fellow.' Next year, I will travel the world teaching these mantras to anyone who will listen. Even my psychiatrist thinks it's a good idea. I can never fully express my gratitude to the universe for leading me to these mantras. I feel like a new man. I have even heard rumours that the Republican party want me to take over the presidency in case anything untoward should happen to George W Bush. I heartily recommend these mantras to anyone who is on the verge of having an interesting life. They will definitely tip you over the edge ... into a pool of wonderment which human words can scarcely describe. I couldn't be happier. Well, that's not quite true - I could be happier but they would probably lock me away."
- Mr. Arpoch of southern Iraq

"Before I started using these mantras, I was a lonely and very sad person. Now I'm just as happy as can be and I owe it all to the wonderful people who created these powerful and magical words. I will never be the same again."
- Mrs. Anne O'Nymous of Pascoe Vale

"I was a total dork before I first encountered these mantras. Now I'm very popular with the ladies and my dog doesn't run away anymore. I'm ever so grateful."
- Arthur Dork of Florida

These are just a few of the wonderful success stories we have faithfully recorded in crayon out in the back of our shop. You're welcome to visit us anytime except on Sunday afternoons because that's when we have our nap. We wish all our future customers all the best and remember the words of Gandhi, "Okay, who's the smart-alec who stole my shoes? When I find him I will wring his neck!" (Note: this was before he started a daily course of chanting instead of ranting. More evidence that our products really do work.)

All jokes aside, these mantras really can help transform your life. But if you want to live out your days limited and constricted then you have the free will to make that choice also. Pleasant Dreams.

To any customers who are experiencing difficulty with our do-it-to-yourself levitation kit, we apologise.

Update -

I had a very pleasant dream last night in which my angelic friends revealed to me that the following mantra may prove quite useful for certain people (no pun intended). "I am the awkwardness of life".

I have also just received another wonderful testimonial from Mrs. Penelope Drops who lives in Southern Whales.

"I am writing to express my appreciation and gratitude for your mantras. They confirm what i have always secretly suspected. Namely, that the biggest mistake that most people make is to confine their exploration of reality to the tiny region known as 'normality'. I find that I experience best results when I recite these mantras silently in my mind as I go about my daily affairs. They are particularly helpful during many seemingly mundane or repetitive chores like brushing the grass or counting the leaves on my oak tree.

I repeat the words over-and-over until they literally have no meaning. As we all know, the experience of ultimate reality resides beyond the reach of mere words. Even my husband has opened his mind and he uses these mantras while he is washing the dishes and let me tell you, our plates have never looked more sparkling or hygienic.

I have even started to devise my own mantras which is something i would recommend to everyone because each individual's consciousness is unique and what works for me may prove useless to somebody else. My favourite creation so far is "YO-YAPPIT-YO". It may seem quite simple at first glance but i find it extremely effective in keeping disharmonious thoughts at bay as well as warding off alien invasions. I haven't been abducted for over a month now. I'm so full of gratitude I could burst."

(P.S. As I write, I am working on a variation of this mantra - something along the general theme of "YO-YAPULATED-YO-YAP". I will keep you notified as to any significant breakthroughs. My husband has also started reading an ancient Tibetan text which mentions the following phrase, "What is my little puppy", which is said to be highly benevolent and beneficial whether or not you happen to own a doggie. I, personally, would like to see the human race evolve beyond this silly concept of ownership but that's a story for another time. Thanks again.)

Penny is quite right in many of her observations and really to achieve the greatest expansion of consciousness requires a person to completely let go of any concept of 'rehearsal' or 'recitation'. This takes time and dedication to practice and an absolute commitment to plink the way of lifetimes.

       

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