T h e M a g i c B u l l e t

The Official Newspaper of X Files University

XFU Faculty Profile
by Amy Lang

Maria Centrale, Dean of the College of Walter Skinner.

Let's meet Maria Centrale. She divides her time between heading the Studies of a Certain Sexy, yet authoritative Assistant Director, and helping to maintain and oversee the covert activities, of an entertaining, yet twisted Web Page devoted to our favorite leering, but still lovable Lone Gunmen:The Frohike Liberation Organization. (http://www.frohike.org)

Maria took a break from snapping surveillence photos of Diana Fowley caught in a compromising position with the First Elder (ewwwww! The mind truly reels from *that* image) to answer some questions for the XFU.
Editor's Note : The offending female party turned out to be an alien bounty hunter trying on the female form. Unfortunatly, the honorable Ms. Fowley was the first woman it saw and copied her likeness.

Q. What X-Files Character would you *consider* naming a child after?
A. The Flukeman. No, seriously. Dave F. Centrale -- wouldn't that be great? He'd never, ever, not even under pain of death, reveal his middle name.
I think it's important to give your kids something to bitch to their therapists about later in life. It makes things so much simpler to solve if you can blame everything on an unfortunate middle name.

Q. Do Blondes have more fun?
A. Actually, yes. Yes they do. The chemicals in the bleach that is used to create blondes have been scientifically proven to migrate into the blood stream and from there to the hypothalamus, inflaming the libido and surpressing that little voice that tells us when we are about to do something that is more fun than you can shake a stick at, definetly immoral and potentially illegal.
Really. No kidding. I read an article all about this in Weekly World News.

Q. Have you bought the XF Movie soundtrack? If so, what is your favorite song?
A. Nope, sorry. Haven't bought it. My favorite song off Songs in the Key of X is Red Right Hand, if that helps.

Qb. If you haven't name your all time favorite song.
Ab. Hand's down, my favorite song has got to be Jimmy Buffett's "Wastin' Away Again in Margaritaville". I love it because it transports me to an island where I have no responsibilities in my mind and a honkin' big tequila-based drink in my left hand.

Q. Finish this sentence:
My favorite person in my life is _____________.
A. Honestly? My mom. She's great.

Q. If you need cheering up, the first thing you do is......?
A. Call my mom. Immediately followed by curling up with a good book, going for a walk, having sex or playing with my dog (not necessarily in that order, and absolutely not at the same time.) If after all that, I find I'm still depressed, I knock over a Jiffy-Mart.

Q. Choose one xf episode, and give it an alternate ending.
A.I'd love to see a different ending to Tunguska -- instead of Ratboy having his arm cut off, I would have loved to have The Lone Gunmen rescue both he and Mulder. Can you imagine spending an entire transcontinental flight listening to Our Boys argue endlessly about who was the most instrumental in saving the day? While Mulder grits his teeth and Krycek is tied up in the hold with the sedated pets?

Q. Who is your favorite cartoon character? WHY?
A. Dogbert. Dogbert is the best. He is cheerfully evil, completely self-amused and would love to live in a world where other people exist only for his entertainment and profit. He's pure id. That's hard to be, without ending up on a killing rampage, in daily psychotherapy or elected to the United States Senate.

Q. Name three famous people you wouldn't be caught dead talking to?
A. 1.Anyone with the last name of Jackson or Trump, 2.Jerry Springer, 3. Pat Robertson

Q. What was the funniest movie you've ever seen?
A. I have to go with Stripes -- the classic Bill Murray flick. My second choice would be Tank Girl (but let's face it, only about three people on the planet ever saw that movie).

Q. Does anything scare you? What?
A. What, like phobias? No, not really. The stuff that scares me is fairly universal, I think... debt, alzheimers disease, the death of someone I love, finding out that I have developed an allergy to beer and/or chocolate, the arrival of the day when I just never *ever* locate the car keys even though I hung them by the door the night before, I swear to god...
You know, the normal stuff.

Fluke Sightings
PLAYER OR PUSHER?
Special Report by Emile St. Claire

Los Angeles, CA

Riding high as they continue their winning streak, the XFU softball team, led once again by former waterboy Robert Modell, emerge victorious in a home game against the Law and Order DA's, after one of their players forfeited his own homer by running in the opposite direction on the diamond. The Flukies thereby claimed the victory which easily should have been won by XFU track team months ago.
Though one would expect that the team would be grateful to Modell after he brought them out of their slump, the team reportedly is anything but. Modell has become something of a taskmaster with the team, taking it upon himself to be the team's assistant coach. Since the team's first few wins of the season, Modell has instituted a daily regime of exercise which includes such unorthodox practices from spreading bread crumb trails around the field for teammates to follow to hitting golf balls filled with cores of uranium. "Truth be told, it actually *does* get up there like Sputnik!" quipped one player.
Fluke Sightings was strongly discouraged by Coach Carter from interviewing Modell on the matter of the team's training. In fact, Fluke Sightings has been strong discouraged from engaging in "verbal contact of any kind" with Modell. Instead, FS spoke with current water boy Jeffrey Spender. "He's proud - and so he should be. It's to be expected after he'd been water boy for so long, begging Coach Carter for his chance on the team. Believe me, I've been there. I'm there now," Spender explained. "But I would be lying if I said this isn't going to his head." Spender, who thought he was well out of earshot from Modell, was quickly called over by the star player. Calls to Spender have since been unreturned.
While Coach Carter has given his star player much leeway, he has drawn the line at Modell's suggestion to rename the team the "G-Men." Nor did he warm to the idea that the team switch from softball to Frog Baseball.

Yesterday, the Flukies were set to play Space: Above and Beyond College in an away game, but the game was canceled due to the rival school's budget cuts.

SWIMMING
Men: Perhaps the dog paddle might be more their style. Need I say more? An upsetting 15th place, to the Babylon 5 Besters' (insert your own bad pun here) first place.
Women: Another first place finish.

CHEERLEADING
Most of the squad continues to be in absentia while President Amy Lang negotiates for the return of the squad since their disappearance last month. An offer by Lang to trade Phoebe Green, on release from Anderson Wellness Center, in exchange for the rest of the squad was nixed by the squad's abductors.
Just as well, given last week's Unfortunate Gaseous Incident. Upon Green's release from the Center, she was recruited as the lone cheerleader for Friday's XFU Intramural Belching Contest pitting the Paranormal Studies Department's The Jersey Devils against the College of Fox Mulder's Believers. Green picked the unfortunate moment to hold her eyeliner to her cigarette lighter just as one teammate was taking his turn, well, "at bat." Let's just say Green was in the line of fire.
As usual, all cards and gifts can be sent to Phoebe Green in care of her semi-permanent residence at the Wellness Center.
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This columnist is grateful for the creative talents of Amy, Freak No. 2 and Darcie.

GO FLUKEWORMS!!!

Emile St. Claire
Sports Columnist at The Magic Bullet
Dean, College of Interdisciplinary Studies at XFU

School Colors
By Darcie Hobart

Well, I just thought it would be nice is all. And now, since nobody said anything like "School colors give me a rash", the official XFU school colors are red, black and white. To celebrate this, "The Magic Bullet" is proud to sponsor the 'Make Our Graphic' contest. The contest is open to all current XFU students and faculty. The contest catagories are Banner, using the typical Link Exchange and Geocities banner size (around 480 x 80); Button, any size; and Other, because sometimes creativity has no label. The only other rule is the graphic must use the new school colors. Send all entries to me and I will put them in the next issue of "TMB" or on a special webpage and the XFU community will choose one winner in each catagory which will then become an offical graphic for XFU. Graphic can be either a gif or jpg.

Reaching For The Stars

THE X-FILES MOVIE CROSSED THE $60 MILLION DOLLAR MARK!!!!!!!
To date, the X-Files movie has grossed over $60 million dollars! Chris Carter & Company must be proud of their mega money making baby! I am proud to say that I saw the movie 5x in a 48 hour period and I can't wait until the next movie!

There's not much going on in the world of the X-Files these days and I'm getting impatient waiting around for the new season to start which will be somewhere around November 1998. For now, the FX Channel is showing 100 episodes of The X-Files, and for all of you fortunate enough to have FX -- Enjoy!!

I came across two magazines with X-Files stuff, Entertainment Weekly and US Magazine. In the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, our 2 fav stars are on the cover. There's a really interesting and funny article on the movie, definitely worth checking out. Some of questions about the movie are even answered.

In US Magazine, there's a 2 page spread on celebrities featured in their swimming attire, and our beloved DD is found sporting a lovely black speedo with a green swimming cap. For once I would like to see DD in a two-toned boxer type swimsuit. Granted, you can't swim in these trunks, for fear of ahem . . . losing them, but he would look great walking up and down the beach!!! Also, flip through the magazine to the back and on the last page there's a really good pic of DD along with a quote that the actor made about gratuitious nudity. If you haven't bought the magazine, here's the quote:
"I really like gratuitous nudity. I hate when people go, �I'll only do it if it makes sense for the movie.' That's such a crock. It never makes sense. So I like it - the more gratuitous, the better."
That's our David, always the outspoken one.

Editor's Note: David made a similar remark on the Rosie O'Donnel show a few months ago. And I, for one, am damn glad he feels that way!

In the Entertainment Weekly issue w/Cameron Diaz on the cover, there's a small, really small, interview with one of the many geniuses of the X-Files, none other than Vince Gillian. Here's what ET had to say:

"The X-Man"
Age: 31; Why him? This X-Files writer has fashioned such gems as "Small Potatoes" about a shape-shifter who impersonates Mulder, and "Bad Blood," a vampire tale that sees Mulder and Scully at each other's throats. "They absolutely love - at least platonically - and respect each other," says Gilligan, "but it's fun to show them as an old squabbling couple." Work habits? "Listening to one song over and over again - it drives everybody else in the office crazy. For "Bad Blood," I listened to Delbert McClinton's "You Are My Sunshine." Next? Gilligan wrote the script for "Home Fries," starring Drew Barrymore, out this fall. -- Is that it? You mean there's nothing else you can say about this great man? What about Paper Hearts, one of the best X-File episodes out there? Fans of Vince Gilligan -- unite!

BTW, advanced movie posters, Season 5 posters and the movie promotional posters are still available through Treegate. Get them while they're available. I've ordered a few products from this company in the past and have not been disappointed; however, if you have any questions or concerns about ordering online send Treegate an e-mail and he will definitely respond to all questions and requests.

Also, the X-Files movie action figures are out there (like the truth), but hard to find (also like the truth). Look out for the fireman figures as these are hard to find and may be collectibles in the future. The X-File Barbie dolls, as you all know, are being redesigned (the Mulder doll) and should be out shortly according to many major store chains. However, I found them in the mall for a hefty $90.

That's it for now! See you at the movies!

Neicee

"The Magic Bullet" is concocted, assembled and autopsied in the basement of the Student Center on the XFU campus.

"The Magic Bullet" is in no way endorsed, associated with or responsible for the real "The Magic Bullet", 1013 Productions or the FOX network. The X Files University is not an accredited school. Gene Siskel rocks.