2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in
by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the
names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your
roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't.
Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines
and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10
seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to
keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that
you can't do the paper because you're not sure
if the
class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions
created by your
subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write
about whether or not the paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of
what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a
picture is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your
computer crashed while you were printing it, and you
couldn't retrieve the original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in
your bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the
pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the
professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor
and explain that you can't turn your paper in because
it contains sensitive military information and is only available on
a "need to know"
basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should
get an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill.
Say that you were trying to get the feel for the
period.
16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the
teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have
gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that
you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but
your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.
(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe
for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the
professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because
one of your primary sources is an old wise man in
Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your
paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it
in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that
paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When
questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing
unusual. After all, he did tell you to include
footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in
the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating
the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic
anomalies that might cause a person to prefer
anchovies.
24. Hand in your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks
from several different countries on it. Say that you
wanted several different perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all
over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that
the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that
mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk
and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually
Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is
Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you
are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the
gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive
amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are
quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was
speaking in tongues at the time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if
it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very
heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were
mobbed by crows on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the
text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you
had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller
Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great".
Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view.
Try to predict both
philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that
goes on for pages and pages and pages;
use alot of
semi-colons, commas, and other interesting,
rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence
{[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper.
Cite the picture as a resource..
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving
the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a
paper!". Run around the class a few times, then
joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
"There's my paper!", then run outside to get it.
Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof
throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to
turn in the paper, take it out of one of the
saddlebags, then shoo the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated
things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of
neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler
to invade
France, or that the Roman empire
collapsed because of a shortage of qualified
botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by
nicknames. For example, call George Washington
"Georgie." Call Ben Franklin "Sparky."
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type
w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel,
rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw
the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and
hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you
wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."