280 Ways to Confuse/Annoy Your Roommate


1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.



2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.



3.  Twitch a lot.



4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.



5.  Steal a fish tank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to

them.



6.  Become a subgenius.



7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.



8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up out of

your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.



9.  Speak in tongues.



10. Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.  Gradually

work up to big

things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.



11. Walk and talk backwards.



12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in the

middle of your room.

Number them.



13. Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.   If your

roommate says

anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the

eye."



14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,

"Casablanca,") almost

inaudibly.



15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a

kazoo.  If your

roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit

him/her with the

wrench).



16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.



17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.



18. Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off when

you are.



19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."



20. Buy as many back issues of Wall Street Journal as you can.  Pretend to

masturbate while

reading them.



21. Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,

pretend nothing

happened.



22. Eat glass.



23. Smoke ball-point pens.



24. Smile.  All the time.



25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what you think

the dog ate.



26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.



27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.

When you get

hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and eat it.  If your

roommate empties the trash

before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.



28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a list of

grievances.



29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.



30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then

look away

quickly.



31. Dye all your underwear lime green.



32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.



33. Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.



34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse him/her

of stealing it.



35. Remove your door.  Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).



36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.



37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.

Announce that you

are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up for three weeks.



38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.  Refuse

to discuss them.



39. Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.



40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with

"Didja ever wonder

why...."  Be creative.



41. Shave one eyebrow.



42. Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there and pile

your dirty clothes

on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space,"

twenty times

while     twitching violently.



43. Put horseradish in your shoes.



44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain loudly

that you can never

find the book that you want.



45. Always flush the toilet three times.



46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.



47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at

least 6 hours a day.  If

your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive

cultures class.



48. Give him/her an allowance.



49. Listen to radio static.



50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  Close them as

soon as you

wake up.



51. Cry a lot.



52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.



53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the

baggie near your

computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag

close and eye

him/her suspiciously.



54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.



55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle

to yourself.



56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.





57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your

roommate when

they're not home, show them the magazines.



58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while,

then jump really

high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.  Crumple onto your bed and

fake like you were

knocked out.  Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.



59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.



60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the

phone for 5

seconds then hang up.



61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,

and go shower

too.



62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her

mail. Do this for one









and say,

    "Well, it was fun while it lasted."



153.  Hang a tire swing from the ceiling.  Act like a monkey.  If someone

besides your roommate

comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your

roommate's idea.

When you and    your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.



154.  Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster.  Pray to the

toaster.  Bring it gifts.

Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window.  Say that the

toaster made you do

it.



155.  Challenge your roommate to a duel.  If he/she refuses, claim that you

have won by forfeit

and therefore conquered his/her side of the room.  Insist that he/she remove

all of his/her

possessions    immediately.



156.  Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood

donor, organ

donor).



157.  Start dressing like an Indian.  If your roommate inquires, claim that

you are getting in touch

with your Native-American roots.  If your roommate accuses you of not having

any Native-

American roots,    claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse

on your

roommate.



158.  Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time.  Constantly complain

that your feet hurt.



159.  Hit your roommate on the head with a brick.  Claim that you were trying

to kill a mosquito.



160.  Steal something valuable of your roommate's.  If he/she asks about it,

tell him/her that you

traded it for some magic beans.Give some beans to your roommate.



161.  Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a

hammer.  Put a new bulb

in the next day.  Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.



162.  Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then

stopping.  Play the

tape in your room.  Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at

the screen and

say, "Don't do that."



163.  Buy a lamp.  Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside

it.  Spend a week

thinking about what to wish for.  At the end of the week, report that someone

has released the

genie from the lamp.  Blame your roommate.



164. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.  Take

notes.  Write a

paper on it, and circulate it around campus.  If your roommate protests, say,

"The people have a

right to know!"



165.  Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.  Find one

that looks like your

roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."



166.  Read the phone book out loud and excitedly ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!

837-9494!  Holy

cow!")



167.  Shadow box several times a day.  One day, walk in looking depressed.  If

your roommate

asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to

an injury.  Ask

your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.



168.  When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,

"Oh, you're here!"

Walk away yelling and cursing.



169.  Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is

missing.  Offer a reward

for his/her safe return.



170.  Buy a watermelon.  Draw a face on it and give it a name.  Ask your

roommate if the

watermelon can sleep in his/her bed.  If your roommate says no, drop the

watermelon out the

window.  Make it look    like a suicide.  Say nasty things about your roommate

at the funeral.



171.  Draw a chalk outline on the floor.  When your roommate comes in, say,

"Don't worry.  It's

not what you think."  If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the

subject.



172.  Drink a cup of coffee every morning.  When you finish it, gnaw on the

mug for about ten

minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and

quickly leave the

room.



173.  Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons.  Every day, hit



 head as you attempt

to crawl through it.  Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."



174.  Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what

you did," and

"Don't think you can fool me."  Sign them in blood.



175.  Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize.  If he/she

protests, tell him/her that it's

all for charity.



176. Make cue cards for your roommate.Get them out whenever you'd like to have

a

conversation.



177.  Talk like a pirate, all the time.  Threaten to make your roommate walk

the plank if he/she

doesn't swab the deck.  Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!



178.  Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.  When your

roommate walks in,

pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.  Whisper to

them, "We'll

continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.



179.  Buy a telescope.  Sit on your bed and look across the room at your

roommate through the

telescope.  When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too

far away for you

to see.



180.  Keep some worms in a shoebox.  When doing homework, go and consult with

the worms

every so often.  Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid

and they don't

know what they're talking about.



181.  Watch "Psycho" every day for a month.  Then act excited every time your

roommate goes

to take a shower.



182.  Wear a paper hat.  Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to

McDonalds, can

I take your...Oh, it's just you."  Take off the hat, sit, and pout.



183.  Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and

making

random corrections.  If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just

couldn't take it

anymore.



184.  Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate

to let you back

in.  If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good

manners.



185.  Hang a horseshoe above the door.  Make up stories about having had good

luck.  Then,

take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.  When you see your

roommate, look

above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter,

"Stupid

horseshoe...."



186.  Carve a jack-o-lantern.  Complain to your roommate that the

jack-o-lantern has been

staring at you.  The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern

thinks he/she has been

staring at it.  Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the

jack-o-lantern, but you can't

convince it to move out.



187.  As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing

famous operas as loud

as you can.  When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to

be confused.



188.  Hang a basketball net on the wall.  Challenge your refrigerator to

basketball games, and

play them in front of your roommate.  Do so for about a month.  Confide in

your roommate that









245. ( this refers to 178.  Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.  When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.  Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.)



after having your roommate find you like this a few times, one night poke your

roommate with a pin while he sleeps.  Glue the pin, with your roommates blood

on it, to the leaves of one of the plants.  Glue normal pins to the leaves of

the other 19 and set them up surrounding your roommates bed.



246.  Hold Satanic ceremonies in the middle of the floor while your roommate

is going to sleep.  Set up a large pentagram painted in blood on the carpet. 

Light it on fire.  Sacrifice goats in the pentagram.  If your roommate says

anything in the morning look at the ground, mumble, and run away screaming

incoherently about the end of the world.



247.  dissect any stereo your roommate might have.  Put it back together by

gluing things together randomly.  Mention to your roommate that the stereo

hasn't been working properly.



248.  subsist on restaraunt condiments alone (ketchup, mustard, salt, etc... 

packets) for several weeks.  Develop horrible acne.  Nag your roommate about

his diets nutritional value.



249.  psychoanalyze everything your roommate does.



250.  keep hamsters.  each day when your roommate goes out, let one go.  leave

bloody kitchen utensils around with hair on them.  Vomit often and complain

constantly of having an upset stomach.  if your roommate mentions the missing

hamsters start talking about golf or the weather.



251.  if you have all your hair, start wearing a toupee.  if you are bald or

almost so, wear one of those bald head-hat-type-things.



252.  crawl instead of walking.  nibble your food very nervously.  occasionaly

bite your roommate.



253.  eat glue.



254.  listen to death rock really loud and throw various types of fruits,

especially ones that will squirt nasty juicy stuff out, at the walls while

chanting something having to do with brutally murdering the person you live

with.



255.  watch CNN, The Weather Channel, The Golf Channel, that fish tank

channel, or the Byron Allen show 24 hours a day.



256.  spit a lot.



257.  Dye your hair the same colors as Dennis Rodman does.  start trash

talking to your roommate and never show up for "practice".



258.  collect anatomically correct dolls of the opposite sex.  play with them

a lot.



259.  collect dolls and display them by crucifying them to the wall and

scalping them with a swiss army knife.



260.  never admit to ANYTHING. (ie. did you just take a shower?  no comment. 

did you just go out on a date? absolutely not, why would you think that?)



261.  be repetitive.



262.  eat glue



263. spit a lot.



264.  collect your (or your roommates) dandruff in small sandwich bags.  keep

asking if your roommates scalp hurts.  if s/he says no say "DAMN!" and storm

off.



265.  practice voodoo on your roommate or anyone your roommate knows (ie.

parents, dates, friends)



266.  sing monty python songs.



267.  invite therapy groups for people driven to violence to be held in your

room.  if your roommate protests, say not to worry, and that only one of them

was convicted.



268.  wear dirty overalls and chew hay.  occasionaly try to milk your

roommate.



269.  become a trekkie.



270.  wear a pocket protector and use the computer all the time.  always talk

about ram and other computer stuff.  tell him in detail about your discussions

with another trekkie who thinks Captain Picard is better than that guy that

William Shatner played.

ridicule the other trekkie.



271.  insult people by calling them names like, poo-poo head, wee-wee brain,

or ca-ca doo-doo head, or any combination of those.



272.  complain about Gilligan's Island and The Beverly Hillbillies being

canceled very loudly.



273.  learn to juggle.  one day when your roommate is out, drop a juggling

ball out the window and "hang" yourself halfway out the window.  pretend to

have been hit in the head.  when your roommate comes in, tell him/her that

your invisible friend Bob got tired of your juggling.



274.  decide to become a clown.  



275.  dress up as a clown and tell your roommate that you're going to join the

circus.

leave with all of your stuff, and then come back late at night.  wake your

roommate up and tell him that they wouldn't take you.  Do this repeatedly for

a few weeks.



276.  (for cold weather places)  build a mini snow man and put it in a petri

dish.  leave it on the windowsill for two weeks.  hold impassioned debates

with it.  be the best of friends.  one day melt the snowman.  go out.  wait

until your roommate gets back and walk in.  look at the puddle of water and

scream.  fall to your knees crying and screaming at your roommate, "How could

you, you, you animal!!"  act like this until your roommate buys you a drink. 



277.  be naked a lot.



278.  get really fat and wear tacky, ill-fitting clothing.



279.  same as 278, except go around campus asking people out, telling them

that you are your roommate.  give them your roommates e-mail adress, post

office box number, or whatever.  do so until your roommate has gotten at least

10 pieces of hate-mail.  for a challenge, don't stop until someone's

boy/girlfriend beats up your roommate.



280.  make a list of "1000 ways to...", and then only have 280.

