TO UNDERSTAND ME IS TO UNDERSTAND MY PAST.

She cries. Darkness consumes her.

Her pains, inhumanely real.

Suffering so blinding.

Spark of life almost gone. Bitter turmoil shatters her being.

Who is she? What is she? Where is she?

Questions real life, a wave against the stone.

He is the wave, crashing into her.

Chipping away, little by little at her solidarity.

He eaks at her, taunting, tormenting.

She still stands firm facing each onslaught.

Brave she is, albeit unknown.

The stone breaks away, no entrapments.

Wave no more, control gone.

The stone WILL break away.

The wave no more.

     I should have known from the nasty message on the answering machine that got me kicked out of my grandfather's house that the relationship was doomed. Go figure that my bullheadedness would spiral me down into something that most do not understand.

    After that, I moved into the basement of a man that housed college students. It was fine for a while for it was just me in the basement and not my current boyfriend with me. Then it really got shot to hell when he was kicked out of his parents house for a while. HE moved in. In the beginning it was fine. Then the arguments started. Then after that the physical shit. It got worse when we had to move out of there.

    Moving in with this couple I really didn't know what to expect. I remember one night when we were sitting there and he had gone through a case of beer, then he decided to start a powertrip. He ordered me to give him a blowjob. You must realize that this "man" is way bigger than me and I was scared shitless. I refused at first for I had this in mind, "It's just the beer talking". God how stupid could I get? He grew more persistant and got to the point of almost blackmail. "If you love me you will give me a blowjob." And so I did so that he would stop harrassing me. Later on he blamed the guy we were living with for telling him that you have to hit a woman to keep them in check. That's bullshit. In the end it was his decision to do it.

    The cigarette burns started then. I did it to myself because I was feeling very low about myself. Luckily there are no scars from it. Pale skin is a wonderful thing at time. Nothing really happened too much except for the occasional outbursts.

    Then we moved into his parents house. Can we say it went to hell in a handbasket with a pretty pink bow on top? The arguments escalated. One night, for reasons I forget, we were fighting yet again and he slammed me onto the bed on my face and proceded to pummel my back repeatedly with his fists. Hard. Do you know what it's like to go to work barely able to walk because the pain is so intense? I do. Another time he punched me in the face. The excuse I gave was that I walked into a door. Naturally no one at work believed me. One woman even tried telling me that I should leave. That there are alot of resources for women in my situation. I didn't listen to her. I should have. Later on I found out, that because of that pummeling, my tailbone is misaligned 7-8 yrs later. It sucks having to wear a lifting belt for support. Let's see, what else did he do to me? Oh yes, he tried to strangle me on a couple occasions. Because of that, I hyperventilate and have anxiety attacks anytime someone places their hand around my throat or I'm in superclose proximity, such as they have their arm around me and I get caught offguard. I didn't want to die and a couple times I know I almost did. Death by strangulation, what a fucking concept.

    After a few months of that shit, his mother took me out to the garage so that we could have a private conversation. She told me that she had found a women's abuse shelter that I could go to and that I did not have to go through that shit. I decided to take her up on the offer and went there for two weeks. It actually was rather pleasant there. No arguments, no hitting or anything. Went to work, went back there, did chores and such. Stupid me decided to go back to him though because he supposedly missed me. Later on he told me that his mother just did it to break us up. I believed him at the time. Now I think that was the ramblings of a desperate man.

    How about the icecream incident? Yes, we had gotten into ANOTHER damn argument outside the house, in front of the garage, and he had thrown a container of icecream at me. That shit is sticky I can tell you that.

    After a while the arguments and the hitting started to peter off. This was a good thing yes? No it wasn't. By that time I had stopped working at the gas station I was at and started a job at a supermarket in the deli department. I really liked it there. I don't think he appreciated that I was happy there. It sucked being invited out and not being able to because I was afraid that he would think that I was screwing around on him.

    You know for some reason he decided that I was screwing around on him. For a full year he thought so. For a while there he thought I was messing around with this worthless waste of space. I asked him why. "Because he's skinnier than me." Was the response I got in return. Jesus, talk about insecure. I think this was after my daughter was born. He had stopped the hitting because he never wanted to hit a pregnant woman. Gee, what a gentleman. I remember one time he had sat me down at the kitchen table after I got off work and proceded to give me the third degree. He was so certain that I was screwing around on him that he got the most evil look on his face, a look that hardly anyone will ever see in their life, shoved the heavy wood table across the room and screamed in my face. God I was so scare for my life. If I was doing that, I would have broke down and told him. I held to the truth. Then he said this. "If you love me, you will call you main manager and tell him that you caught so an so smoking pot in the seafood backroom." I did it. (I did catch the guy smoking pot by the way so it wasn't a lie) Go figure, he said that I only did it to shut him up. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

    Well, he finally stopped the accusations but because of the year of assaults like that, I was on the defensive permanantly. Anything he said I misconstrued as him accusing me of something. It's understandable when you've lived with someone for 7 years. It becomes second nature when you've had to be dealt with that shit almost all the time. I sincerely tried. I told him that we needed time together, that we needed a break every once in a while from our daughter. He never listened.

    Wanna know when things really went downhill? I bet you don't but I'm gonna say it anyways. When we got married on February 11, 1998. That was the biggest mistake of my life. He became more controlling, refusing to allow for me to go out just once a month with my sister. He always came up with excuses. "I've gotta work too early in the morning." "I can't handle our daughter by myself when you're gone." So on and so forth. That was when I totally became more involved with the internet and started writing poetry.

    It hurts when you are being controlled and that you can't even go out with your own sister because of it. She really hated him because of that.

    I had no friends but one, or so I thought. This girl was my confidant of sorts but in all actuality, she was only there when she needed help. When I needed her to talk to, all I got was a couple minutes then it went back to her.

    During that time I immersed myself into the internet and made alot of dear friends online that were there for me. I felt important, special, needed. I helped people out, they helped me out but there was one thing, I was so embarrassed about my relationship with Larry that hardly anyone knew that I had someone. Only the closest ones to me knew. I admit, I did have an interest in one guy online. So much so I was planning on leaving and moving to another state for him, Because I was slipping into depression so bad, the house got into disarray, I admit that I neglected my daughter because I neglected myself.

    I confided in my supposed friend Teresa that I wanted to leave Larry and move to Pittsburgh. I expected her to keep my secret. She didn't. SHe stabbed me in the back so hard I felt it in my throat. She had the nerve to tell him in the driveway while I was home. Good god I went through the worst week of my life going through an emotional hell. Larry tried to buy me off with little gifts and whatnot. I was in a quandrum that no one should ever go through. One day his sister picked my daughter up and took her with her so that Larry and I could talk. First thing he said, "Is this relationship going to work?" I told him the truth, albeit hard as hell to. I said no. After that he got my car up and going, after 7-8 months that it sat there and rotted almost. (His toys were more important than my getting out of the house, taking my daughter out and such.) Then he had the nerve to ask me if we could do it one more time. "I don't think that would be appropriate" I responded back. Then he said something that shocked the hell out of me. "Don't go to Pittsburgh." I went and it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

    You know something that really hurts? He never understood how much he did hurt me on all aspects? He still doesn't understand why I do not call the house to speak to my daughter. It hurts so much everytime I call there. I want to speak to my daughter but everytime I do, he does something to piss me off or start me to cry. I don't think he understands that I love my daughter very much and that she is always on my mind. That she is my baby and nothing will never change that. I know that my moving to another state and that my not contacting her is not good for her mental wellbeing. But in order to be a good mother I also have to think of my mental state. How can someone be a good parent when they can't even stand for themselves? How can they be when their lives are made up of unstability? It hurts to know that she hurts but I have to begin thinking of myself to get to where I should be and not where Larry THINKS I should be.

     I figured out who I am. I am an unusual individual with great friends and a wonderful boyfriend. They say that good things come to those who wait? Well I'm telling you it's true.

    Here's something that Larry wrote in my guestbook for my page:

Congratulations on giving me the most free year of my life, not only did you create a positive environment for me, but also to the daughter you left behind. Also please try to remember that there are always 2 sides to every story. I bet your friends would be really interested to know that you didn't even call to talk to her on her birthday. If there ever was abuse, clearly it was the emotional :-) you have "given" to your daughter for the rest of her life. How can you wake up in the morning and look at yourself realizing that there was a daughter that needed you, and loved you for all that you "thought" you were, but you decided to put yourself first. There comes a time in your life when you have to right the wrongs in your life, and that time for you has come and gone. Dress yourself up in as much black paint and makeup your putty knife can spread,and drown your sorrows with as many poems you can write. It still won't make the wrongs to a little girl justified. You have shown your true self, in the actions you portray in life, for whatever you write on a webpage is truley a web of Non Fiction. The beauty of the web is that one can hide all the sorrows of ones mistakes and shortcomings... to put all the realities of life aside. But the truth is always inside, and if I were you, I would never be content to lie awake at night, listening to my own heartbeat, knowing their was a smaller one I LEFT BEHIND. Sleep would be an added luxury I could not afford. You are poor beyond your years, and your soul is made up of binary. So go ahead and erase this message, so no person may see what lies beneath, but for you my dear.... Sleep Well.

    Thing is though, ALL my friends know what went on, they all know that I haven't been in contact and they understand why. Why should I have to deal with this? When I call for her, I expect to talk to ONLY her. So basically that paragraph is nothing but desperate spouting.

    Oh I'll admit I am not entirely innocent of the whole thing. Towards the end there I started hitting him as well. The frustration was so great that I lashed out. The police came to the house one day because of a bad argument and I told the officers point blank that he didn't hit me, I hit him. Shocked Larry to shit. Spent about 8-12 hrs (not too sure about the length of time but it's within that time frame)  in jail because of the argument but mainly because I had two outstanding tickets.

    Hell, I'm not proud that I hit him in the end. I'm not proud that I am neglecting my daughter when I don't call. I'm not proud of alot of things but one thing is for sure, I'm damn glad I got out of a relationship that was abusive and detrimental to my mental and physical well-being.

    Ok, y'all must be asking "If he's so horrible, then why does he have your daughter?" Easy enough answer. Because I know he is a good father and would never hurt her and also he is more stable at the moment. That's why I decided to leave her where she's at. She needs her family. I need to get myself back in order and I'm doing well with it so far. I had every right to move out here Larry. I am a grown adult and do NOT need you telling me that I shouldn't go somewhere because YOU told me to.

    I forgot to mention that when I moved out here to Pittsburgh, I lived in a women's shelter for a month. At first I thought that I didn't deserve living there because there were a few other women that were there that went through a worse hell than me. Now I look back on it and think that yes, I did deserve to be there because of all the crap that I went through. How can anyone say that they love them then treat them the way they did? I don't understand it.

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