Windaes 98

Text of an (un)official announcement by Microsoft UK:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow Ned edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow Ned editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Glasgow Ned edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It also ships with a Buckfast screen saver.

Also note:

• The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog
• Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
• Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins
• Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
• Floppies are Them Wee Plastic Fuckers
• Instead of an error message you get a Windae covered with an empty Buckfast bottle
• Note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks

Other locale-specific features in Windaes 98 include the following language translations:

Some programs that are also exclusive to Windaes 98 include:

• tiperiter = a word processor
• cullerin book = a graphics program
• addin mershene = calculator
• scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
• sounds = CD player
• porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
• pikchers = a graphics viewer
• dole money = M/S accounting software
• Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
• Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
• cuzzins = family history (usually 14-year-old mother's name and a shortlist of possible fathers)
• tax records = usually an empty file
• Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow Ned edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.