During this lengthy pause, we go to a commercial....

Hello, my intended...

Bobo Fiendish here... Wrestler, Philosopher, and Angel of Death MOST EXALTED...

Y'know, when I purchase electronics equipment, I like places such as Circuit City where they offer a warranty in case of product failure... But you know what? SOMETIMES they have to be convinced that it's best to keep their obligations.

We see a burning Circuit City in the background... All doors are barricaded to prevent escape by the hapless employees, and all nearby fire-hydrants are broken. Bobo puts down a sledgehammer that he was holding and picks up a stick with a marshmallow on it.

You see? Such helpful tidbits of knowledge can be VERY useful in your day to day existence, and I highlight them and MANY others in my new self-help book... 'Better Living Through Violence'. You'll be surprised just how many of life's little curves can be straightened with a liberal application of physical force. Heh. So if you've been a victim... If you've had enough of the nonsense that people insist on putting you through, then you NEED this book. Just send $24.95 to:

And I'll send you this informative, compelling guide to a new life free of the hassles that plague the lesser beings. If you call within the next five minutes, I'll toss in this Assertiveness Training Tape called 'MY Way, or I'll Cut Off ANOTHER Finger'. Act now, supplies are limited.

You're welcome... See you SOON.

Bobo is now finished examining the rants of the rest of the roster, and he seems somewhat bemused. He turns to the camera and flashes a smile that would make a rattler grow legs and run.

Hello, my intended...

Well, well, well... Haven't WE been busy? This pleases me. After all, idle hands are the Devil's Workshop, and similar cliche's... Where to begin?

Doctor Plants, it is my custom to denegrate all living things. You can take comfort in the knowledge that you actually have the cajones to say something BACK, though I'd keep those Jailhouse Homo Fantasies to myself if I were you... Then again, such knowledge of your leanings would make your female customers more at ease around you... But I digress... Suffice it to say that anyone who would spend twelve years in a four year college to be allowed the boon of seeing women naked is hardly one to cast aspersions. Though it IS nice to see that you're busy writing 'cut' versions of my name instead of fake Percodan prescriptions like usual... Atta boy! Just say no. Heh.

Neige, it's interesting that you regard Tiger as the strongest force in the fed. Must be based on his Trivial Pursuit scores, since he's so big a mook that even YOU look talented... I mean come on, even if I was allowed to drop names, I wouldn't. It's in the STWF Manifesto - I mean rulebook. Heh. But seeing as you've got even LESS of a chance against me than most, it's normal for an anklebiting little weasel like you to try to divert my attention. In fact, I'm surprised you haven't seen fit to call my attention to MORE people so you won't have to face them in the future. Too bad you DON'T HAVE ONE! Sorry you won't make it to the Bonus Round, but you still qualify for some lovely PARTING GIFTS.

Not that I blame you... You're obviously a product of your environment - assuming you can ever decide which environment... Keep that tape running, kid, people will find it easier to remember how you USED TO LOOK when you could chew your own FOOD. Too bad the only people that'll be interested in those tapes are at the District Attorney's Office, but hey, an audience is an audience... I'm told they already have an advance order in for OUR match, but I digress... Heh.

As for the rest of you simpering, sad wretches... Muddlefoots and morons the LOT of you... People like Rump Ranger, whose only reason for being IN wrestling is summed up in two words... Scoop Slam. Not that there's anything WRONG with that... Oh, wait... There IS. It's people like YOU that make parents ban wrestling... That, and you might touch one of their KIDS. Get out of my sport, you showtune-singing creep. I'd tell you not to let the doorknob hit you in the crack on the way out, but that would be giving you ideas for party games during the next NAMBLA meeting. Go away, and stop trying to drag (pun?) me into your greasy little fantasies before I shove your skull so far up your a-double-ess  that you implode!

And Tyrone, since you asked, the answer to your question is of course the SECOND Letter F - known to the rest of the world as the Letter 'H' - 'All of the Above'. They sho' don' lern much in dem publik skules no mo'... Heh. By the way, NICE logo for your Inner Circle... I've got a couple logos myself...

You know something? They're BOTH better than that dink IC... Oh well, they only give you an hour to use the computer at the Free Library, I hear... But you know what? You're supposed to use it to write a resume or look up useful information... Bet you can whup it at Dice, though... Yassa. Now, before I get accused of trying to steal Mittens' job, let me say that I don't have anything against that demographic whatsoever... Hell, as far as I'm concerned, EVERYBODY should own one... Oops.

Moving right along... Who else can I make feel as pathetic as they ARE? Captain Obvious? Who the hell is THAT? Oh, I get it... Subliminal Man... Riiiight. Y'know, I SAW that bit on Saturday Night Live... It wasn't entertaining THEN, either... But you know what, don't let the fact that they fired that guy for not being funny compared to the rest of that weekly ninety-minute torture session hold you back... That's your personality's job. Heh.

Virago? Y'know, that gender bender stuff is getting old (and when you consider MY angle is saying it, WOW). It used to be good for a laugh or two, but for the love of God, either SHAVE or take off the WIG. Hey, I know, since that Ranger guy keeps filling up my answering machine with come-ons, I'll send you his number... Talk about the image THAT teamup conjures... A guy dressed like a woman bending a guy that ACTS like a woman over the table... Ewww... That one should replace that naked picture of Whoopi Goldberg in the ol' Cold Shower File... But I digress...

And speaking of Files... Sculder and Mully... The truth is out there... Presumably, IT will be easier to find than a shred of TALENT between you both. In case you can't find the CSM, let me bestow upon you a nice clue... The conspiracy theory is right when it details the plan to... Look out! Behind you! It's a Roswell Monster from Deneb-Six! AAAAAGH!

.....Now that they've just run screaming into the street, let me say in closing... Doc, as you can see I am in no way singling you out... But just to make sure you know I'm on the level, let me drop this Open Contract off at Der Kommissar's office for you to stroll right up and sign... I'll even leave a couple PENS, just in CASE yours suddenly run out of ink... For SOME reason... Must.... Not.... Laugh... Take heart in the fact that you'll be getting an old friend to operate on after Supercard - remember, though, federal law insists that ears be no longer than two feet - even on jackasses.

And as for the Neige... Your pitiful Superkick is as NOTHING to the Angel of Death Most EXALTED. So, after it fails to knock me out of the running - which it WILL, since I don't 'sell' SCRIPTED matches - and you go Do-Ke in your pants while I break some of your favorite bones... Just remember this...

You never had a chance. NEVER.

You're welcome... See you SOON.