Lettuce Prey


We cut to the Warehouse of Pain as Bobo trains for the upcoming soiree' at Canada Day Chaos. He is currently punching cinderblocks hanging on chains, and the cement pieces are piling up... Drucilla and Pandora are nearby, and both look a little peeved. Bobo turns slowly to see them standing there...

Hello, my intended...

Girls: ..........

What? Why for you give me yon hairy eyeball, why for?

Drucilla: He's STILL saying bad stuff about us....

Pandora: Yeah!

Who? Your old boss?

Drucilla: It's not right.... How can we be 'harlots' and 'sloppy seconds' when he never touched us... Especially Pandora...

Pandora: Yeah!

So, what do you wanna do? I have some excellent lawyers on retainer if you want to slap him with a defamation suit - hell, since he fired you two and called you harlots, you'd have a strong case for sexual harrassment... One look at him, and there isn't a judge in the world that won't believe he's a groper...

Drucilla: I dunno... We were hoping for something more... DIRECT.

What? You want me to beat him to death, or something?

Pandora: Yeah!

Well, forget it... That would lend a measure of truth to his assertion that I do as he did...

Drucilla: What? That you 'had' us? That you used us for 'recreation'?

.....Yeah.

Pandora: Well, he didn't... Drucilla said he was 'important'...

Drucilla: Close, Dora... I said imPOtent...

Y'know, that's really more information than I need right now... Though it WOULD explain the constant sighing and the squeaky voice...

Drucilla: He also said that you were worshipping him...

Pandora: Single White Female style...

......What was that again?

Drucilla: He said that you obviously want to be like him, since you're copying -

HOLD IT. Copying? COPYING?! HIM? It is to laugh... Let's compare, shall we?

Bobo whips out a Ross Perot-style 'Happen to Have Handy' chart....
 

Sexbat
The Incomparable Mr. Fiendish
Goth: n. Pitiful cretin that hopes to be Dark and Evil
Monster: n. Horrible, malevolent, vicious being.
Hangs out in malls.
Mauls.
Vampiric - Likes to drink 'blood'.
Sadistic - Likes to SPILL blood.
Bad Rep that gets him kicked out of trendy stores.
Bad Rep that makes people wet themselves in panic.
Hurts people with arrogance.
Hurts people, PERIOD

As you can see by the chart, if I were doing as he claimed I'd have to start wearing velvet and move back with Mom... But since I already dug myself out of ONE hole in the ground, we'll forego that option... Besides, after sixteen years I'm sure she's probably run out of air by now... Heh. Now that we've examined his theory with the benefit of FACTS, it is thus shot full of holes. Ergo, we can move on...

Herb... What can I say? That you got some schmutz on your team - probably Streetmime - to dress up like me for that very interesting send-up is probably the most creative way I've ever seen someone sign their own DEATH WARRANT... But I digress... Sadly, the prized IG Championship you aspire to lies someplace you are unable to get... PAST ME. That is not to say that you won't receive some nice parting gifts... Behold, I present to you this fine jelly jar to place all your TEETH in - assuming you can find them all with the one good eye you'll still have. Spiffy.

Come on, people, does anyone think this SPROUTMUNCHING DWEEZIL will be able to do more than get stuck in the waffle of my BOOT? No, clearly not... As for what passes for his help.. Must... Not... Laugh.... Well, I've seen a stronger line-up on UPN's Fall Schedule... Herb, since you like vegetables so much, I will give you a nice SQUASH... After that, you'll probably BE a vegetable. Some fun, eh? Thought you'd like it... Heh.

So, after dispatching this sorry trio that has the honor of being the EXAMPLE to OTHERS of what price HUBRIS, we shall move on to face either Team Asinine - consisting of a Stock Boy - no, really - named Mikey, some quasi-Cajun pickpocket that got nicknamed the French Quarter in the red-light district for... some reason, and my fellow Asylum Alliance member, Homicidal Hank...

OR, Team Bollux - consisting of a Porno Actor (reportedly nicknamed Sir BitPart), some Anonymous Thug-Moron who hates the world because he isn't even as good an actor as Spike Lee, and Bill Polar, so named because nothing kills heat faster than him on the stick...

Kinda makes you curious what team the Tough Cookies will face in the THIRD round, don't it?

I mean, let's be for real... The Tough Cookies is the LARGEST team, with TWO members over six feet six. The HEAVIEST team, at a combined weight of one THOUSAND, two HUNDRED and THIRTY-NINE pounds. The STRONGEST team, as I am able to heft over TWICE my own weight, Neige reportedly able to lift his own weight, and Gary able to lift at least HALF of his... The MEANEST team, as Gary won't be allowed to eat while we're wrestling, and Neige and I are hardly known for our FRIENDLINESS... Y'know, once you look at it objectively, all you can do is wonder which of the three of us will win the final three-way dance for the IG strap... Unless you're intelligent, of course, in which case you'll put the dough on Mr. Fiendish... Heh.

But, despite this lackluster revue of hopeless sods that will marched to the thresher that is the Angel of DEATH... MOST... EXALTED, I will do my very best to at least make it LOOK like they have a chance. Why? Because the fans want to see a good battle, and it's for the fans that I do these things I do....

You're Welcome. See you SOON.