Hello, my intended...

Well, well, well, what have we here? Seems General George is sending Private Benny on a suicide mission... This pleases me... In fact, I can actually perceive the possible reasoning behind booking this one... Let's examine it, shall we?

Firstly, both myself and Fat Albert scare the bejeezus out of every other 'wrestler' IN this podunk promotion... With relatively few people out there with the cajones or the deathwish to step into the ring with EITHER of us, it follows to perhaps have these 'monsters' clash and MAYBE one of them won't make it out... After all, if either of us got rubbed out by the other, then you lesser beings would be able to focus your fear on a single entity... Suuure.

Secondly, both myself and Fat Albert are ultra-violent types that have, on occasion, removed some of the pawns from the ol' chessboard... While he does have a certain...raw enthusiasm, as it were, he's never really faced the level of competition I have... Sure, I know that's a dubious honor considering most of you couldn't outfight a burlap sack, but the truth is that while he's beat up SOME of you, I've beat up ALL OF YOU... More than ONCE, too... I guess that gives me the edge in experience, eh? Heh.

Thirdly, both myself and Fat Albert have shown a certain level of skill in the ring... However, where my style is surgical precision, his is more of a butcher... While it's still BASICALLY chopping up the meatbags we go against, he's never shown that thinking on his feet is one of his strong suits... Sure, he's tough and such, but to suggest this Black Kingpin can so much as carry my BAGS is laughable... ZEUS gave him trouble, for crying out loud... While Fatso has shown he can squish the hell out of the little fellas, against people that are 'more his size' he's not exactly a stellar performer in the bruiser ballet, is he? No, clearly not. I, on the other hand, have taken down 'bigger than me' types with the same panache that I've taken down 'smaller than me' critters... Advantage to me, again...

Fourthly, while Fat Albert is almost as tough as me, almost as insane as me, and almost as scary; you know what? He's still a distant second... Way distant. While the skittering crawlies of this fed can't comprehend the subtle layers of fear, the fact of the matter is a guy like me uses guys like him to WARM UP for a REAL challenge... Since I have serious doubts I'm ever going to get one of those, I guess I'll have to give the big corn-fed mule the Grand Tour of Hell as if he WAS a real challenge... Nothing personal, Shamu, but every once in a while the real deal has to mop up the wanna-be's to free up some slack in the oxygen resource... It's just your turn.

Fifth, while Fat Albert and myself each have a questionable past at best, I never had to camp out in any lobby to get a job... I was sought out. There's a reason, of course... Everybody knew I belonged here before the fed was even formed... YOU had to shake down an old lady to get a match against Mike WHEELER... Doesn't sound like your resume' was all THAT, does it? Oh well, look at it this way... You'll probably be able to get your job at the carnival back, although I doubt it'll still be as the Strong Man... Unless they put REALLY good shocks on your WHEELCHAIR, that is... Heh.

Sixth, the loss of the Tag Team belts has probably made some of you think that your Copycat Crew has what it takes to be the Top Level... Reality check, Wideload, one off night doesn't make you superior... It makes you LUCKY. But, since luck is not a manageable resource, you're going to have to get the big beatdown... Don't fill up on bread.

And lastly, you seem to be giving me 'props' for 'helping your boss'... Listen, cheese-eater, he happened to be fighting guys that I'm not all that fond of, and they chased him into my personal space... Since I didn't hate the XVP _QUITE_ as much, and he was already fighting the Peach Posse solo, I figured since I'm such a wonderful guy that I'd even the odds... Don't make the mistake of thinking I'll go easy on you OR him when you're in the other corner, Heavy D, because if you do you're in for a rude shock...

Now then, I know that you're sitting in the dark watching TV and talking to your stuffed animals with the hope that you can rise to the occasion and somehow overcome all these shortcomings and defeat such as I... Sounds like a lottery-level chance that that's going to happen, but I guess even a slim chance is enough to inspire hope... However, hope is unhealthy... You'll see HOW unhealthy it is when you're doing a luchadore impression on the lauchpad of my boot, Mudfoot, and trust me... Wider is NOT better.

You've signed up for the Wild Ride Weight Loss Program, and the Angel of Death Most Exalted is your Personal Trainer... But look at it this way... At least you'll be able to lose about forty pounds of useless fat... WHEN I TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD. Jenny Craig's got NOTHING on me, Grimace, and that's WITHOUT big chocolate shakes, too.

You're welcome... See you SOON.