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The word according to Lobb

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

I. The word according to Lobb
II. The early life of one true Lobb
III. And within a single bound, Lobb fell headfirst onto the ground, pissed out of his tree
IV.The Later Life of the One True Lobb
V. The Last Days Of The One True Lobb
VI. No more than three days later was Simon Penis there

I.The word according to Lobb
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The Beginning and Coming to Earth of Lobb, the one true Saviour and Leader for Artistes De La Feculence everywhere.

In the beginning, there was Lobb. And henceforth from Lobb did many good and great things flow; lager, and pies, and micturation, and small pieces of unidentified fluff, and all the beasts of earth and sea, and fags, and JCB's, and beards, and even unto more pies. And all those who did witness these things did proclaim it a miracle. For they saw that it was miraculous that Lobb could still stand up, for Lobb was caned out of his tits, and did bring forth the duck-billed platypus for a jape. And Lobb saw this and proclaimed it to be good.

As he sat astride his mighty chariot in the stars (well, it was rather more of a toboggan, but there's no need to be picky), Lobb saw the land of Irvine that didst shine forth amongst all the lands of the earth; that land that was rich with a plentitude of crops, and also people, and also bus stops, and also corner shops, and also council estates, and also furniture stores, and also neds. Lobb saw the people of Irvine in their plight and their torture and their suffrage, and he saw that they needed his salvation, such was the extent of his wisdom. And he decided that he should descend amongst these kindly folk who needed his help, and bring to their lives salvation, and love, and also electric spoons.

And thus Lobb chose a worthy couple to bear and nurture his infant self for the long journey towards adulthood. His father was a man named Mr. Lobb, who scraped a meagre living nailing his penis to the furniture in the name of performance art; his mother Mrs Lobb a humble woman who played electric trombone in an extreme hardcore band named the Fucktastics. When this lowly couple learned that they were to be blessed with a child, Mr. Lobb raised his hands to heaven and spake thus - "But I used a johnny, every time". And duly Mrs. Lobb replied - "Ah, but who said it was yours?". "Whose is it then?" asked Mr. Lobb, whose features had developed a spectacular purple hue. "Well," spake Mrs. Lobb. "There was this geezer in the park with a can of Special Brew and a pair of plastic wings who smooth-talked his way into my pants round the back of the tennis courts" At this, Mr. Lobb felt a furious anger arise in his heart, and he did strike Mrs. Lobb across the pus, oh yea, oh yea.

And so presently did Mr. Lobb drag the unconscious body of his wife unto the kitchen. And did he gather unto himself the gin and also the knitting needle. And thus it was so that Lobb recieved his first piercing, and yea it was through the cock, as Mr. Lobb was a cackhanded abortionist at best. And Lobb did look upon the piercing and pronounced it to be good. And did he shove the needle back out, and he did lobotomise Mr. Lobb, and did Mr. Lobb proclaim it a miracle. And with the passage of the days Mr. Lobb's heart was unhardened towards the child, and did verily e'en get quite used to the idea.

And thus, in the fullness of time did Mrs. Lobb get close to popping. "Quick, into the shed", said Mr. Lobb. "Why?" spake Mrs. Lobb. "I'm not sure," he replied. "Something to do with it being a Comedic Device". And so did they struggle Mrs. Lobb's full belly into the shed, which did belong to Mr. Lobbs' dad. "Fuck off out of my shed" said Mr. Lobbs' dad, who needed the space to perform genetic experiments on donkeys and chickens "There's no room in here; use the kennel next door". And so they went to the kennel. "Fuck off out of my kennel" said Mr. Hitler The Scabby Crack-Riddled Transexual Grand Executioner Acorn Brained Fuckpig, who needed the space to perform genetic experiments on the Jews. "Use that hole in the ground". And soon Mrs Lobb did layeth upon her back and didst spreadest her legs, that were riddled with varicose veins and the pox. "Funny," she thought to herself. "I was in the same position when he was concieved". And there was much gnashing and grinding of teeth, and soon enough the little cunt popped out of the little cunt. And there was much rejoicing at this, especially by Mrs. Lobb."Thank fuck for that", she spake. "Let us call him Lobb Lobb to save any confusion; now pass us me fucking fags, I'm gasping".

And e'en as they were sweeping away the gelatinous, protein-enriched afterbirth, did three Welshmen hone into view, and the smell of sheep was strong in the air. And even as they neared the infant Lobb were their heads held low, in the first instance in deference, then subtly changing to shame as they neared and realised that everyone would smell them and guess what they had done to the sheep. And did Mr. Lobb speak "Fuck off, you filthy West English bestiality-advocating leek-loving chorus-singing fuckwits!", for he was being played by Chris Westwood in this production. And did the Welshman chorus in reply "But we've got some rocking skunk grass dude - we came for a smoke in the hole in the ground."."Have you got any skins?" asked Mr. Lobb of the mincing Taff eejits. "Yes, we went to the 24 hour garage" they replied. "Go on then" said Mr. Lobb. And did the Welshmen skin a fat one, and didst present it unto the infant Lobb, and the Lobb-child did spark the fat fucker, and did toke away like a good 'un. And presently was Lobb ripped to his tiny tits, and he did understand the fullness of things, and did many visions come forth unto him as if in dreams and did all the sounds of the night coalesce into the most wondrous of music, and did his head feel as though it were about to fall off, and did his belly crave pizza and chips. And he knew that it was good, and did his tiny face shine as bright as a beacon, and did the crowds come to gaze upon the child and proclaim "I'll have some of what he's smoking."

Even as Lobb did suckle at his mother's breasts in the hole in the ground, there did roll into view three steaming jakeys. "We come from the far Eastern city of Dundee. For many minutes and hours did we follow the smell of beer, but there was no room at the inn. So we came to this hole in the ground for a piss and to hurl some gifts at the bairn." And the hole in the ground rang with the sounds of much rejoicing, for the three wise piss artists had brought a carry-out. And the infant Lobb did crack open a can of Tennants and spake his first infant words thus, and thus did he speak thusly, for thus were the words that he thusly spake: "What did you bring us then?" The jakeys presented him with a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a Frank Sidebottom LP, and HHHUURRRRGH. This gift of HHHUURRRGH, being the third gift presented unto Lobb by the three mental jakeys from the east, was the action of the third jakey, who unto now had said not a word, to untohereforthusly open his jaw and to bring forth a mighty and great technicolour tiger that did cover Mr. Lobb, yea the length of his robe. And Mr. Lobb felt the vengeance arise in his heart at this; lo, was he ever fucked off. And Lobb did stand before the masses, even unto his crib, and did proclaim "I cannot respect the musical tradition of Sidebottom, but the vomit placement was hilarious" and verily did he crack open the bottle of Cuervo Gold, and the mother of all piss-ups did begin, and all voices were united in the praise and worship of the wise and mighty Lobb Lobb, he that is wise beyond human understanding, he that fulfils all promises, he who canst always find the hosts' secret beer stash at parties.

II.The Early Life of the One True Lobb
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And so did time pass, and did the infant Lobb turn into a toddler, and thence to a child, and thence to an adolescent, and thence to a young adult. And didst he always spread his sermons before him, although throughout the adolescent stage did Lobb often prefer to spray his semen before him. And did Mr. and Mrs. Lobb ever take care of him, and verily his six sisters, eleven brothers, seventeen dogs, three-and-forty cats, four thousand monkeys and e'en once for a short time a herd of lost wildebeest, although didst they live in a cardboard box in a quarry. And for did Mr. Lobb raise his hands to heaven and cry aloud "Why is there always this queue for the bathroom, my fucking piles are killing me". And did Lobb stand atop the roof at this, and didst he address the brethren of his family thus: "Sod this, I'm going to the pub." And the brethren of Lobb's family did reply: "See you later then". And there was much rejoicing and the air hung heavy with celebration, for Lobb spent far too much time in the bathroom, for he had to shave his feet three times a day.

And in this way didst Lobb come to be in the pub, and he was there for full forty days and forty nights, and only ever popped out for kebabs, and once to watch the walrus races. And he did stand atop the mighty bar, and did he address the assembled masses thus: "What thou shalt do, shalt thou e'er not do. And that which thou shalt not do, shalt thou also not think to do. And that which thou shalt not think to do, shalt thou not think about thinking about doing". And did the masses reply "You've got a point there", and did their applause ring aloud in the air. And Lobb spake thus: "What thou shalt do, shalt thou do. What art thou, sheep?" And did the masses not take to this, and they hardened their hearts towards Lobb, and there arose a mighty grumbling from the back, and also cries of "Get Off" and verily "Shite!" And did the masses arise against each other with a furious anger, and did smite one another with barstools, and pickaxe handles, and broken bottles, and snooker balls in socks, and the PA system, for yea! it was that sort of pub. And Lobb did hide in the bogs.

And did Lobb have a long conversation with an old friend on the great white telephone, for it had been a long and weary lock-in. And did the innkeeper, who was called Stan, beat his fists against the cubicle door in frustration, knowing that he would have to clean up afterwards. And did Stan raise his voice to heaven, and spake he thus: "Get out of there you dirty monkey, or you're barred". And Lobb said: "Get thee behind me, Stan". And did Stan do thus. And Lobb did let rip a nostril buster, and did Stan go green and fall into a faint, and did fall upon the sick, and did get sick in his hair. And Lobb did laugh and did presently return to the bar, and did lay down beneath the Aftershock tap, and did quaff his fill, and did await the masses to become calm.

And presently did the masses calm themselves, and called for Lobb. And Lobb did stand atop the bar a second time, and did assuage the masses that were five thousands of men and women and a manatee sitting in the corner thus:"What the fuck do you lot want?" And the masses replied: "We are sick of fighting, Oh Lobb. Now we wish to get stoned." So Robb did empty his pockets, and there was just five keys of pollen, and also two of skunk. And Lobb did wave his arms about a bit, and said "Jah Rastafari" and there were many joints for all. And the five thousand did see this to be a miracle, and did praise Lobb, and all his works, and did the manatee belch and turn over, and go back to sleep.

And so Lobb did leave the pub, and did stop for a slash in the gutter. And there was a man there who might have been fishing, though at a second glance it was just that he had his tackle in his hands. And he did see Lobb, and did put it away and prostrated himself at Lobb's feet, crying "Please forgive me". And Lobb said "What is your name?" And the man replied "I am Simon the, er, fisherman", hoping that Lobb may not after all have noticed what he had been doing. And Lobb, who had noticed but decided to change the subject, said "Then I shall call you Simon Penis; Follow me and we shal become fishers of birds!" And Simon said "Will they be tasty ones with big tits?" and Lobb said "Yes". And did Simon Penis sing aloud the praises of Lobb and all of his works.

At this time did Lobb have twelve friends who were beloved of his breasts, and did the thirteen together have a hardcore band that was known anon as The Apistols. And these twelve were as hereonin named and described. And they were: Nicholas (lead digital bodhrain), Heather (lead harp), Neil of the Spunk (lead hair), Davide (lead soprano), Armon (lead Toilet Duck), Marie (lead kettle lead), Howie (lead electric spoons), Funky (lead bong), Stu Le Fop (leading ladyboy), Simon who was called Penis (lead karaoke; rhythm method), Dylan who was the brother of Lobb (lead specs; rhythm fish), and Christopher who was also called Westwood, who played a wind instrument in his trousers and sold rancid fruit to the crowds before performances. The Apistols were so bad their audiences often used the fruits to block their own ears rather than to hurl at them. Indeed they were often grateful when Lobb would sermonise in their direction, and would praise him and all his works. Now the Apistols were playing a benefit for the local leapers. The land of Irvine had seen many of it's citizens stricken with leaprosy, ever since the opening of the Irvine Athletic Academy for High- and Long-Jumping and Pole Vaulting, known locally as the Leaper Colony. And at this gig did Lobb announce: "Bring unto me the leapers; for I can cure them of the terrible disease from which they suffer." And then did the leapers spring forth, and did Lobb smite them upon the knees, and cured them; for he was wearing his Holy Knuckledusters. And all were amazed, and pronounced it another miracle, and did sing his praises.

And Lobb did go unto the mountain with his followers, for lo! someone had said there was a good pub there. But there was no pub there, and did they go unto the Boathy instead. And Lobb did stand upon the roof, and did address his followers thus: "Blessed are the pissmakers, for they are called Tennants and will recieve all the giros; and blessed are the humpers, for they shall propagate the species and inherit the sleepless nights and the stinking nappies. Blessed are the mekons, for they shall beat Dan Dare and also consistently win the Biggest Head In The Universe competition; and blessed are the poorly, for they shall have carrots; and blessed are the Colins, for they are called Colin and need psychiatric help." And his followers cried: "More! Give us more!" for there were many Colins among their number. But Lobb took this as a sign that they were enjoying the sermon, and spake thus: "It is easier for a fat man to eat a sugared donut without licking his lips than it is for a politician to tell the truth". But his followers didn't get most of the political material, so Lobb had to lure them back by stimulating Simon Penis.

And Simon Penis did stand among the followers and did address Lobb thus: "Oh Lobb, thou art so great. Thou art me best fucking mate," for he had been at the moonshine and was fucked out of his tiny mind. "Giz some commandments to live me life by, and perhaps form the basis of a rudimentary religion to keep the workshy in cassocks for, say, a couple of thousand years". And Lobb, who needed little encouragement at the best of times, gave unto his followers these ten commandments:

"1) Thou shalt go to the pub each day and imbibe heavily of the Aftershock in my honour.

2) Thou shalt not pill.

3) Thou shalt clean thy teeth, and verily thy dishes.

4) Thou shalt smoke of thy weed until thou canst revel in mine eternal love, shedding the weights from thy shoulders.

5) Thou shalt give the Lord thy Lobb oral sex on request.

6) Thou shalt never, under any circumstances, pay thine own bills until the company has gone bust.

7) Thou shalt fart towards Wales.

8) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours arse; if thy should, thou should ask before copping a feel.

9) Quit touching yourself (HA-HA!)

10) THOU SHALT ROCK! GOOOOOOOOOOOODNIGHT OZZFEST!"

III.And within a single bound, Lobb fell headfirst onto the ground, pissed out of his tree.
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IV.The Later Life of the One True Lobb
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And verily and on, did the famed biographer and worshipper of Lobb, Keefer reefer, unto anon and eventually, come unto Lobb, for they had been childhood friends, and sayeth unto Lobb "Oh Lobb. Ooooh Lobb. Woe is I, for next Saturday hence am I to be married, whenceforthunto a proper minger I knocked up. On the bright side, her family have left me in charge of the reception, and unto it shalt there be fully bales of Jeremy Clarkson's Ear.* (*top gear). Bring the Apistols, I doth truly feel like pissing off the in-laws, and real bands cost money. Forget not thyself at the Stag Night." untohenceforth did Lobb reply "Right man."

And so did Lobb and his twelve Apistols meet Keefer Reefer in the Runt and Bastard, and from there unto the Rats Cock, and hence e'en unto the Yashmak and Squirrel, from thence unto the Queen's Gonnorhoea, and so unto the Kalashnikov and Knuckleduster, which was full of nuns playing bridge; the group went instead to the Higher or Lower, which was full of gameshow hosts stroking one anothers' egos; and from there unto the Pansy and Dishwater, where all the bike gangs met to fight. "Thank fuck we're here" spake Lobb, downing his 114th aftershock of the night, and climbing atop a table, spaking thus; "Bring unto me the paralytic, that I may lay hands upon them that shall they be cured" for there were many in the pub who were verily well slaughtered, such was the miraculous power of the Aftershock. And unto him were brought the wankered, many of their number on stretchers, too fucked to walk. E'en through a hole in the roof did they fall, for it was nothing if not a lively pub. And did Lobb lay upon them his hands and e'en his feet, saying "It's much easier to beat up the prone and unconscious". And so did the merry fighting begin, and were all hands raised towards Lobb; and the pagga was fruitful, and there was much punching and beating of teeth, and everyone had a great time.

And so, badly battered, did Lobb and the Apistols and verily Keefer Reefer go unto the kebab shop. And did Lobb get a donner and did climb upon the counter, and spake thus: "Three men did go unto a rich man, and the first man did say "Spare me some money, sir, for my wife is ill" and the rich man replied "I will not". The second man spake thus "Oh great and noble sir, canst though give us a shot of a couple of quid, for my children have no food" and the rich man replied "Fuck off!" And did the third man say "Give me your money now, or I'll break your fucking legs" and did the rich man trmble and shat himself and handed over his cash" and the Apistols gasped in wonderment at his wisdom, and applauded. And Lobb tripped over a stray horse, and fell behind the counter, and blew chunks all over the shop owner's shoes. And all did gasp in wonderment, as the owner was called Brutal Pete, and had been in the Falklands, and was verily nails. But Brutal Pete was stuck to the floor as Lobb had been sniffing so much glue that day, and did Lobb arise, and did kick Brutal Pete unto the plums, and did run like Linford Christie at a Klan rally. And all knew the name of Lobb, and did fear him. And Brutal Pete did roar "I'll crucify you when I catch you, ya cunt". But Lobb did not fear this, knowing Brutal Pete was a fat bastard who was too fond of his own kebabs.

The next day did the group reconvene at the Kill Yourself Immediately No Really, You'd Be Doing Yourself A Favour Registry Office for the wedding, and was the bride there already, and all did marvel at her fat arse and uncanny resemblance to an anteater snorting lemon juice off a cactus. And through the clouds of their hangovers did the service pass in a flash, and it was only afterwards that Keefer Reefer did notice they had wandered into the wrong wedding and he was married to a moose by accident. "Help me oh Lobb", he begged, "I have married the wrong bird; for mine is quite tasty". And did Lobb perform a miracle; downing a fifteen pint pitcher of Aftershock, he downed his pants and buggered the ugly moo to death; and the vicar had no choice but to give Keefer a divorce on grounds of gross adultery and death, for Simon Penis had his weapon out and did threaten him, and the vicar did'nt fancy the same treatment; and did the divorce come through just as the real bride arrived, and everyone marvelled at her big tits and tidy arse, except Keefer who said "I've heard of the bride being late, but we were due to be married three weeks ago" but married her anyway.

And did the wedding party head to the reception to get caned; indeed, it was a Wedding of Caners. And soon did the Apistols take the stage and Lobb said "This one's called Let's All Get Ripped To The Tits And Eat A Baby". And did a mighty and terrible noise poured forth from the speakers, and there was much gnashing and grinding of teeth for the E's were bad and there was no speg, and the guests rent their garments and prayed for deliverance, and did spew forth their breakfasts, and the bride's father's skull did explode, and there was slamming in abundance for lo! this was true metal. And 30 seconds later was all still, and Lobb spake again This one is I Bite Rats Randomly and did it begin anon, and the wind blew, the PA system blew, but the groupies blew longest and hardest. And after that one did Lobb say Someone get us a pint and the crowd replied The bar is closed, and Lobb cried Bollocks and held a pitcher under his open fly and did miraculously fill it, and passed it round, and all did marvel, for it was a tad on the warm side, but undoubtedly bore a high alcohol content. And they did stand agape in wonderment, and all around did they praise him and sing his name, except the barman, who was trying to close up and appeared to be going for some sort of record in Speed Swearing.
V.The Last Days Of The One True Lobb
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One night, as he lay sleeping, Lobb had a dream, and powerful sounds and images flooded throughout his head, and he was much disturbed. And in this dream did the Holy Bottle of Vodka (Holy Spirits for short) appear to Lobb, as he had imbibed a fair few that day. Lobb, it said Go thou from this place and take unto you thy Apistols, upon a tour that ye shall go. Lobb didnt understand a word, but Simon Penis rang him up the next day with the dates, so he gathered unto him his instrument, had a wank, got his guitar and got in the Tranny with the Apistols, including their latest recruit Jude Arse, who played the pink oboe. And on they went to their first gig in the noble and ancient city of Dundee, seat of learning and culture, great architecture and philosophy. However, there was trouble along their path.

Halfway down the motorway, their Tranny broke down. How could you expect me to carry all you and all your equipment all this way he/she/it sobbed. Im still recovering from the operation. And the tranny moved no further. Just then, a donkey wandered past. Lobb caught the donkey, and looking at the tag saw it was called Gazza. Then I shall call you Tony Adams cried Lobb, and they all got on the donkey and went to Dundee. As they approached, they were ambushed by some terrorist gardners, who knew their lawns would suffer should the gig go ahead, and strew many leaves in their path. But Tony Adams was too fast, and ate the leaves in a single scoff, and they went anon to the Dundee University Union for their gig, and the gardners said Dang and went home to water their tomatoes.

And did the crowd gather to hear Lobb and the Apistols, and understand his message, and hopefully see his Tommy Tinker, and did Lobb ask Simon Penis for a fag. But it was Simon Peniss last one, and he replied Fuck Off, Oh Great Lobb. Lobb asked for a second time, only to recieve the same answer. Again he asked, and as Simon Penis refused Lobb a third time, he felt the place where he kept his brain stand aloft, and rub against his underwear. See, said Lobb, I said you would deny me three times before your cock grew. No you didnt, replied Simon Penis, that was Jesus. Oh, said Lobb,I must be getting mixed up and fell over with the drink.

Eventually the Apistols took the stage. Good Evening Dundee cried Lobb in the rock style. This ones called Entrails Ripped From A Virgins Cunt and kicked the security man in the head. Once again a torrent of righteous noise filled the room, and a considerable fight broke out between the band on one side and the crowd and security on the other, such was the impact of the 666-bpm true metal war dance. Indeed, there were more than 666 beats per minute for some four hours. At that moment, the police arrived to arrest the wounded and identify the corpses.

Fortunately Lobb and most of the Apistols had escaped and went unto the house of their friend Gethsemane, who was having a barbeque, so they sat in the garden. Only Jude Arse had been arrested. After being kicked up and down the stairs a few times, Jude Arse was interviewed by the dreaded Flight Lieutenant Colonel Moonfly Butterscotch Dogbiscuit God Is My Co-Pilot, who had kicked more people down stairs than Jude had had hot dinners, and made sure he knew it. He gave unto Jude Arse a cup of coffee and a fag, and said If you tell us where the others are, Ill give you fifteen quid. To which Jude replied Given the astonishing number of completely coincidental similarities the rest of this sorry tale has with the Bible, you could try the Garden of Gethsemane. Right said Pilot the pig. If youre wrong Ill kick you down the stairs again, and taking some men and Jude Arse set off for Gethsemanes house. When they arrived, they went immediately to the garden, shouting Youre going home in a cross-shaped coffin, whereupon Lobb, pointing and shouting Hey! Jude! turned and ran.

As Lobb fled, he came across a row of thorn bushes, and ran straight through them. As he ran, the sharp thorns rent asunder his trousers, while several branches became entwined in his hair. He removed the trousers, as they were soiled anyway, and realising hed better save his dignity he wound his white Nipple Peepshow T-shirt around his bits, as it were a nappy. Running on, he hit disaster, oh yea. For there was a blind man putting up a fence, and Lobb ran straight into it, as he had been looking for his pursuers as he ran. The blind man did not notice, and nailed Lobbs feet to a gatepost and his hands to the crossbar. As the police neared, Lobb pulled out the nails with his teeth and tried to run; alas, he did not notice the articulated lorry that smashed into him at ninety-eight miles an hour, throwing him down an open drain where he finally drowned in the sewage. It was the way he would have wanted to go.

As he died, a mighty and terrible roar spread throughout the land, and every pair of womens pants in the land were rent asunder, and all looked at one another and said It wasnt ME! and Dont light any matches. Lobbs bottom, it seemed, had expressed its last. The police, or rather those members of the police force who werent holding their noses or being sick in their shoes, decided to pop the manhole cover back on and say no more about it. VI.No more than three days later was Simon Penis there.
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