Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if
danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video
camera, for the
first
few weeks he has it, lock the door
when you go to the bathroom.
Most
of my husband's early films end
with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the
arrogance of
"rich"
usually cancels out the nice of
"bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible. In a
world
where there are more women than
men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband
is so confident that
when
he watches sports on television,
he thinks that if he
concentrates
he
can help his team. If the
team is in trouble, he coaches the
players
from our living room, and if
they're really in trouble, I have
to get
off the phone in case they call
him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved
with a man
during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It
makes them feel
important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in
the morning.
Not
being the first is upsetting to
their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell
you if he
can
ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in
public. They can
learn
in private; in public they have to
know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep
with one under
my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.
These men
usually
have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My
husband has one
that is
a combination address book,
telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship."
These
seven words strike fear in the
heart of even General
Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has
built a fire
and
the
last log does not burn, he will
take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave
enough
to
get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of
them are not.
Contact
me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two
types:
depressing and more
depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and
not
nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating
goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like
portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I've never
seen a
man walk into a party and say
"Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed;
get me
out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's
department is
usually on
the first floor of a department
store, two inches from the
door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three
or
more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr.
Right," if
he
a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c)
visited a psychiatrist, you
are in
for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works
on
cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year
cheerleaders' outfits get
tighter and briefer, and players'
shorts get baggier and
longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary
Grant is on
record
saying he wished he could be Cary
Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about
sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about
men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has
ever seen the
movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice,
voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?
Am I emotionally
and
creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my
team
win?
How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he
doesn't, he didn't
forget...
he didn't lose your number... he
didn't die. He just didn't
want
to
call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at
tennis. I asked
him,
"Are we going to have sex
again?" He said, "Yes, but not with
each
other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight
should
do it
out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is
a
problem.
"Get out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like
a
challenge. If you want to get rid
of a man, I suggest saying,
"I
love
you... I want to marry you... I
want to have your children."
Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do.
Example:
"Mitch,
you look great."
Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you
look
great." Ruth: "I
do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the
Home Shopping
Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how
complicated it
is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when
she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as
women do
because
their clothes all button and zip
in the front. Women's dresses
usually button and zip in the
back. We need men emotionally and
sexually, but we also need men to help us get
dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with
superheros. Women have bad
self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that
feels
tight,
she
will assume she has gained
weight. When a man tries something
from
his closet that feels tight, he
will assume the clothing has
shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female
menopause. With
female
menopause you gain weight and get
hot flashes. Male menopause
-
you
get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
They've already
forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like
monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
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